Single___Parent___Life











{December 28, 2020}   I Told My Sister

I don’t know if it was Christmas eve or a day or two before, but me and my sister were talking on the phone while shopping. We were calling back and forth having each other look for thing’s we couldn’t find and trying to see what to get each other’s kids.

I don’t know how it came up but I ended up telling her about JW. I just told her I hadn’t told the kids and things yet. I told her we (well I was) were waiting to see how things went if it was going to be something or not. Then this covid crap happen and everything. That I was going to have to tell them soon.

She didn’t seem to sure at first, I told her that January would be a year for us. How he has been there for me and helped me. He got someone to tow me off 95 when I broke down. He got me the Christmas tree last year when I was going to have to go late after work. How he helps anyway he can. How good he is with the kids and wants to do things with them and be that guy in their life. Or that father figure. How he is excited for them to know talks about all he wants to do with them. But he understands why I haven’t told them and he is okay with it.

She wasn’t saying much but I could tell she was thinking. She said but what about this or that I told her. She asked if he had kids. I told her yes they are grown. She said how old is he? I told her only 42 she said oh okay. We talked a little more she seem to think it was good. The way she talked.

Today I called her why we were out to take and drop off the kids gifts and pick up mail. She said come in about an hour they were getting ready to eat. So we stopped by. He got out was helping me get their stuff out and give her. We stood there and talked for about an hour. I told her that I was not renewing my lease and that I was not taking her mother with me. I just told her no one knew yet but I wasn’t going to be staying around here. I wasn’t taking her with me. I told her we were looking at moving up by his kids. I told her rents here are crazy and I can’t afford to live here.

She understood she has been renting the same place longer than I have mine by about 3 years. She is worried they are going to rise her rent or tell her she has to move. She is only paying $825 i think she said. She is in a two bedroom condo. The ones around her are going for $1200. When I told her I could get a decent 3 bedroom house for that in January and now they are getting that for a 2 bedroom condo. That decent 3 bedroom houses are going for $1500 to $1600. She was shocked.

Later I called to see how the kids liked their gifts. And I thought of it ask her what the kids said about JW? They didn’t come out with this covid stuff and her baby and things. We had mask on and stood away from each other. But I said to her they will be asking granny who the guy was with me. She said no she told them and told them it was a secret for now. It should be okay they kept the secret about a new baby until my sister told. I didn’t either so I know she won’t say anything either.

We got there she seen my necklace I went over showed her. She looked then when I got closer she said oh wow that’s, that’s nice where did you get that or who got you that? I told her he got it for me for my birthday. She wasn’t sure what to say. She just looked at him surprised said really? I said yeah. He just smiled. She isn’t use to me having nice things like that unless it was stuff my dad gave me or a few things I got on ebay at a good price. Father of the year never bought me nice things like that. For no longer than we have been together for him to get me something like that. The fact that he could get me something like that and just do it not think anything of it. She had ask me the other night when we were talking if he had a job. I had just told her but she didn’t hear me. I told her yes he works 6 days a week over 60 hours a week. She said oh.

After she met him and we all talked today I think she liked him. I think she wasn’t sure what to think when we were talking the other night. She was young when me and Father of the year got together. She honestly never did like him would not stay if I wasn’t there even if the kids or others were there. I don’t think she ever met RC. She knows how things ended up with that. She don’t know why but when he isn’t around for 8 years what is anyone going to think of someone, you know.

I told him the other night I told her. He said told her what? I told him about him about us. He said really? What did she say? I told him not much really. He said she is going to say something won’t she? I said no she isn’t like that. He said oh okay. He seemed glad I had told her.

I showed her pictures of the cat’s was telling her about them. She asked who’s they were his? I told her no the one was mine. She just laughed. Asked where he was? I told her at his house. That I was kind of living between the two places. He told her I had stayed with him when I wasn’t here they thought I was at Bff’s house. He said yeah 6 or 8 months. I said 2. He was joking around. She seemed to like him. That is good.



{December 7, 2020}   A Day Trip With Sleeping Beauty

Me and Sleeping Beauty have been talking again for a little bit now. Two weeks before Thanksgiving that saturday, I dropped JW off at work and decided to go to some yard sales and things. I had a few I was going to go to then just make my way around to whatever I seen after that. Some how I ended up on the other side of the county than where they were. I was going to go up that way to check something first. Don’t even remember what. I went to some sales up there and didn’t see much really.
Sleeping Beauty messaged me we started talking. He asked what I was up to i told him, and really just looking for something to do. He said yeah he wad bored. He said the flea market in a town or two over was open was pretty busy when he was up there few weeks before. I said maybe I would che k it out. He ask who all was with me? I told him I was alone. He said he would go with me if I wanted. I told him okay I would be there in a bit. I was about 20 to 25 minutes away from him the place was about that from him. I figured maybe we would find something else going on once we got there.
I had the rental car a little Elantra. I pulled up he was looking funny trying to figure out who it was at first. He got in we talk about the car why i had it. We were on our way. We just kind of talked about anything and everything. Wouldn’t you know it started to rain. We got to the flea market there was almost no one there. We walked through and checked out some cars in the parking lot and went to leave. I was waiting to pull out trying to decide what to do now because with rain there would be no sales anymore either.

I thought about it I looked at him and said you want to go to Daytona? He looked at me for a minute said really? I said yeah I have all day and no where to be or anything to do. We are only an hour away or less.

He said yeah why not he had nothing to do. So we were off to the flea market in Daytona. We knew rain or shine they would be open it is all inside for the most part. Some in side in mall like area. We must of walked around the place 5 times. We think we were dome and see ares we hadn’t been and then tried to find our was back to a booth where we seen some stuff we wanted. We finally said okay I think we have seen everything at least twice now if not we don’t even know we are missing anything lets go.

I said something about something why we were looking for the car. He jokingly said you want to go to Bass Pro Shop. I said okay why not. I was thinking of the one at home on the other other end of the county but hey nothing to do waste some time why not. We finally found our way through the maze of a parking lot and got on the street. He started telling me what way to go. It hit me duh they have one here too. We got there and seen a sign for Skip’s Western store so we decided to go there too. Then by one they had all these tents and things set up and music playing. We decided to walk over see what that was. It was a art show there were a few people with crafts, food and drinks. So we walked around and checked that all out. When we were done there we headed home. We were going to stop by the leather shop but I missed the exit and we were not 100% sure where it was. He didn’t know what I was talking about and I just remembered seeing it between his house and where we were almost two hours away. He messaged me a few days later and told me he found it not far from his house. I guess it is new up there we went one way there and part of the way back we went a different way.

We were on the way there or back and JW messaged me. We were talking i said something about it being him. He said don’t tell him I am with you. I said why? He said you don’t need him pissed off at you or us. I said no he won’t care. I already told him where I was and you were with me. He ask what he said. I told him nothing just be careful or what with wet roads and just being off away from home that far alone or what. That i told him he was with me he said oh okay.

Sleeping Beauty said he done get mad you talk to other guys or hang out with them? I said no he has met most my guy friends or knows them from when we were in school. He knows they all message me we talk and things. He knows I’m not out “running around”. I am just out with a friend just like if BFF was with me instead. He was kind of surprised.

But it is true he knows I am not looking to get with anyone else I am not like that. Even though he don’t like him he knows we are friends and we talk. I give him a ride once in awhile and things. That was the first time we have hung out in years other than when the group would get together and he would come. He isn’t the type to say I don’t like him you can’t talk to him or I would rather you not talk to him. He wouldn’t unless he really did something wrong or something happen he didn’t like.

After I got home I thought of the boardwalk. I messaged him and said we should of went. I was home by 330 didn’t have to be until 730 really. I didn’t have to be then JW would of gotten a ride home. But for me that is were I feel it is kind of crossing a line that shouldn’t be. I am doing what I want to all day be it whoever I am with, I feel I should at least be there to pick him up and spend time with him. But That is me. He tells me all the time do what you want to do don’t rush home because of me I can get a ride it isn’t a big deal. If I don’t have to work and I am there if I don’t wake up when he gets up or why he is getting ready for work sometimes he won’t wake me up. He will call his buddy to pick him up on his way in. Once I didn’t feel good and ask him too he rode his bike. I told him i would take him if he couldn’t he didn’t wake me and say he didn’t call him back. He knows I don’t go off like that all the time I always take him unless i have somewhere to be early. Like I said it isn’t like he says you better be here when I get off or gets all bent out of shape i am out or doing something. It is just how I feel about it.

With Father of the Year he would of been mad I went, he would of been mad who sent with me, and that he couldn’t go. Oh if i said I am going to be home later we are doing this or that or even hey accident we got stuck in traffic caused us not to get back he would be going through the roof. It is nice not having to be in someone’s ass 24/7 and them not think twice about and tell you don’t rush don’t worry about it i can get a ride. Oh you got out of the house today did something with a friend thats great glade you had fun. Wish I didn’t have to work but glad you were able to do something. Not someone who thinks you should sit in the house and wait for them to get home like the dog. All just because they have to work can do something too. It didn’t matter if i was going alone taking the kids somewhere or me and my sister doing stuff with the kids. I just flat shouldn’t be doing anything. But sitting waiting until he could go and until he wanted too.

The longer I am away from him, the longer me and JW are together and things happen even as simple as this. I realize more and more how bad it really was with him.

Now that I have rambled on off topic i really need to get off of here. It is 4 am I have to be up at 645/7. It is now just a blink away I should get some sleep for work in the morning. I fell a sleep for a short time and was woke up couldn’t get back to sleep. Hopefully I can now. I will try to catch you up more later today. Until then good night, or should that be good morning?



{September 11, 2020}   All Things Relationship

I have talked to Bff a lot the last few days. This in turn has had me thinking about relationships and the way we do thing. Makes me wonder what everyone else thoughts and feelings are on some thing’s as well.

I will do a follow up post this weekend with my answers and all of your in put. I look forward to seeing if more of you see things the way I do or the way Bff see’s them. I will give you her point of view on thing’s as well.

Let’s start with the basics.

Do you feel there are things you should know before you consider a relationship/dating someone?

What things do you want to know upfront?

Do you feel there is a difference in dating and being in a relationship with someone?

If so what is the difference in the two?

If not why do you feel there isn’t?

Can you see/talk to others if you are dating/in a relationship?

When you start a relationship/dating do you go into it expecting it to last or just see what happens?

Are you currently single?

Do you have kids at home?

Do you think your answers would be different if you did/didn’t have kids?

At what point do you introduce your children to the person you are in a relationship with/dating?

I hope you all take the time to answer and share. I am really interested in everyone’s answers.

 

 



{April 10, 2020}   A Talk with Little Bitty

As most of you know Little Bitty is dead set against me having a husband or boyfriend. No way no how for any reason dose she want me to have one or even think about having one. Over the last few weeks I have brought it up and we have talked about it a little here and there, but not much. She just always says she don’t want to talk about it or just because. Last night it came up she started with I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to waste my breath on this, can we just talk about it later. I said you always want to talk about it later and never will we are talking about it now. She finally opened up and we had a very heartbreaking, eye opening conversation.

She said I can’t have a boyfriend because he will steal me away. She said that oldest is 16 and going to be moving out any time and the other two are going to be moving out and it will just be me and her. If I get a boyfriend he will steal me away and she will have no body because I am all she has besides the other kids who are going to be moving out. At this point she was in tears. So very upset and worried. I tried to explain to her it would be at least 2 years and probably longer before anyone started moving out and that Mr. 9 and her still had a a long time before they would be. That no matter what no one could steal me away and take me from her.

I told her that whoever I ended up with would have to like her and the rest of the kids. They would want to do things with us all together. I told her that we would find someone that understood that they came first and they would have to be okay with that or we wouldn’t be able to be together.

Then she told me she did not want another dad or step dad she was happy with the one she has even though she don’t know him. She started telling me that me and her dad are still together I never broke up with him we just didn’t live together. That some day he may come back to meet her and want to move back in with us and be together.

I had to stop myself from crying with her. I explained to her that we were broken up that is why he hasn’t been here all this time and we have not talked to him. That he broke up with me and moved away. I told her that he had a new girlfriend. She was surprised and didn’t know what to say. Then she thought that was her step mom. I told her no he was not married and that was not her step mom. I asked her if her dad could have a girlfriend then why couldn’t I have a boyfriend. She said because I had her and the other kids.

Then she thought about her dad having other kids. She said something about if he had other kids before and doing things with them. But she never put two and two together about them being her brothers and sisters if he did have kids. Last night it hit her and she said if he has other kids then that would mean they are my brothers and sisters. I said yes honey he has other kids. She said when she gets grown up she wants to move by him so she can get to know them and him and come back to see me since she is living with me now.

She never asked how many other kids or where they lived. She just assumed they lived with him. I didn’t tell her any different. I figure it is best for her to ask when she is ready to know than me giving her more information than she maybe ready for. With all that we were already dealing with I didn’t want to overwhelm her with more. She was still upset and crying.

She told me she didn’t want me to get anymore babies at all. I told her I wouldn’t that I didn’t want more babies and that whoever I ended up with would have to understand that and not want any more either. She said but if you get a boyfriend then you get babies. I said no I will keep that from happening. Then she told me no I said yes I can I will. She kept insisting how was I going to do that because that is what happens when you get boyfriends or husbands. I told her not to worry about it I just would.

She told me a lot of other things and we talked about it all and i told her how it would work or what to expect. She said he can not live with us and he has to know that I get to sleep with you too. I laughed and told her he wasn’t going to be living with us and that even if he wanted to or I wanted him to we would have to talk about it as a family and decide that it was okay for him to live with us. That it would be a while before that would happen. That we would all have to do things together and get to know him and everyone like each other and things. It wasn’t something that would just happen just like the kids aren’t moving out anytime soon.

She felt a lot better and calmed down a lot then. We talked some more. She said well he needs to have a job and his own place. He needs to be able to pay his bills and things. If his job don’t give him lot of hour then maybe you can get him a job with you and he can have two and work lots of hours like you since that is what you do. Two jobs would be okay but three would be to many probably. Then she said you two should put your money together and pay the bills and then you would have money left to do other stuff.

I said if he don’t live here then we won’t put our money together and he won’t pay our bills. I will pay our bills buy the things we need and he will pay his bills and buy the things that he needs. She said well if you put your money together and pay all the bills then you both will have more left. She said he may not have lights at his house if he is here for to long. I said what do you mean. She said if he ha to leave and go back to his house he may not have lights because he may not pay his bills there why he is here. She also told me I don’t want to snuggle with hairy arms so I have to sleep on one side of you he has to sleep on the other and know that I get to sleep with you all the time. But probably only until I am 16. Then I will probably sleep by myself. If not then when I turn 18 and move out.

She said he has to like Heartland the show we watch at night in bed. That way he can watch it with us. I don’t know what all but when we were done talking she said it would be okay if you get a boyfriend if he is a good one nice to us and you. Then she said if he is here and he is mean and won’t leave we will call the police so they can make him leave.

About and hour or two later she walked by and I was on my pone. She said what are you doing on line dating? I said no why would you say that? She said I don’t know but good because that is just weird. She said oh and I forgot to tell you, if he hurts you I’m going to hurt him. He may think I’m cute but I’m really revengeful, (as she punched her hand). And I get my way (have her ways). If he bleeds then he just bleeds I can’t help it he shouldn’t of been mean to you. My oh my this child. I don’t know if I should laugh or be scared myself.

I am blown away by all that she had to say and all that she has been thinking about. I don’t know other 7 years old’s who would think of a lot of what she said about the job and sharing bills and helping each other out and him helping us around the house and things. I feel bad that these are the things she thinks about and worries about. She is to young and shouldn’t have to think about things like that and be worried about them. Or scared that someone is going to take me away from her and that I am all she has. If these guys could see what they do to these kids when they are not in the picture and how it affects them would they even car? Would it make them change their ways?

I told J.W about our conversation and he said he could do that stuff or does that stuff or something. I told him I know. I told him he was ahead of the game because he is already Her’s and Mommy’s friend with the really cool dog.

Like I told him I think that him and my kids will get along great. If I didn’t I probably wouldn’t have considered even getting together. I didn’t get with others and that was one of the reasons, I didn’t feel they would get along with my kids good. Or a lot of them act as if they are an after thought, or bother that I have them. they don’t like that they come first. I am sure it isn’t going to be sunshine and roses right off the bat between him and all of them. I am sure that some are going to be guarded and others are going to be indifferent or not interested in him and Little Bitty will take some time getting use to him being around. But I know that if everyone truly gives everyone a chance. They give him one and he gives them one they will all end up liking each other and getting a long for the most part once it is all said and done. But like Little Bitty they have been through a lot and he is going to have to build that trust and bond between them and be careful not to break it. They are going to have to learn to let go and let people in and that not everyone is going to hurt them and that there are decent guys out there even if their dads did them this way some one wants to be there for them and with them.

I also found it interesting that Little Bitty keeps saying he can’t live with us but then at the same time says things as if he is living with us and how things are going to be or should be and happen. I think deep down she wants someone to be a father figure and she really wants that to be her dad. But also open to the idea now that she knows she will still have her dad no matter what. She has just been through so much she is scared. She didn’t like it when Sleeping Beauty was here and how he was. I think also it help for her to know that me having a boyfriend isn’t just all about me, that it involves them as well and that if there are big decisions to be made they will be made as a family not just someone pushed on them or forced on them. That everyone has to like him and him like everyone and want to spend time with all of us not just me.

I think once this lock down crap ends then I will decide when it is a good time to sit down an talk to them tell them we are together and let them meet.



{February 27, 2020}   Look What I Got

Today I went to pick up Jw after I got the kids to school and ran to the store to get things they needed before I went to work. I got there the door was closed still. Normally by then he is up and ready when I am running that late or just about ready. He has let the dog out if I am early and laying down for a little bit before he has to get ready. When he gets up to let the dog out he leaves the door unlocked because he knows I will be there in a little bit. I thought it was odd when I pulled up it wasn’t open. I knocked on the door the dog started barking. In a minute or two here he come and open the door. I could tell he had just woke up.

He said he had forgot to reset his alarm after he changed it to get up yesterday. he said he was sleeping good when I got there. The dog hadn’t even gotten up to go out. I walked in the bedroom laid across the bed was watching the news waiting on him to get ready.

He walked over to put something in his backpack and he goes oh yeah I forgot about that. I had no idea what he was talking about and he lays this box on the bed. Before I could say anything he laid another one down just smiled. I got up and open the one box and it was a pair of heart earrings.

This was in the other one with a pair of earrings.

He said I never seen you wear a necklace or earrings, I thought you would like these. If not you have two girls, they could wear them. I love them. Not sure if I will wear the earrings but I put the necklace on and wearing it now.

After I open them and looked at them I got up off the bed and gave him a kiss and hug and told him thank you. He put his arm around me kissed me, smiled and said no it wasn’t an engagement ring. I said I did not think that was what it was at all. He laughed. I was a little confused didn’t know what to think when he laid the first one down there and was even more confused when he laid the second one out there. But I didn’t think it was a engagement ring. If it had been I would have had a huge problem with that for so many reasons.



{January 31, 2020}   Not a Boyfriend

I seen something on Facebook today that said she desires a partner, not a boyfriend. It made me think, It seems odd to call JW my boyfriend. I don’t know why it just seems weird to me. But I don’t know what to call him either my friend don’t seem right either. Partner seems weird to me as well. It’s like why wouldn’t you just say boyfriend instead of partner?

I know I probably sound crazy and it is one of those things that I have put way to much thought into. But what can I say it is how my brain is. Maybe it helps to keep my mind off of everything else that is going on. Grab something pointless and think way to much about it.

It isn’t just the fact it is him or what, it is anyone it seems odd to call them a boyfriend. It strikes me as odd when other people say this is my boyfriend other than like kids or what. But on the flip side it don’t seem odd or weird to me if I guy says this is my girlfriend or if he said to someone this is my girlfriend.

So what do you call your girlfriend/boyfriend if you are not married?



Kid walks in the shop have never seen him before in my life. Says he is just looking around and we have air his van don’t. I stand there why he looks……

Him I like your shirt. Have you found love yet?

Me. No

Him me either. Goes back to looking at knives.

Few minutes later I could be your boyfriend if you wanted me to.

Me. Nope to busy with work and 4 kids.

Him oh oh you got kids oh well then looks some more finally leaves.

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

who the he’ll just walks in a store and thinks some random person is going to want you to be their boyfriend when they have never met you? 😬😬😬😬😬 he was probably in his 20’s lol how old did he think I was he looked floored I said I have kids.

The shirt that started it all πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

 



{February 4, 2019}   No Husband or Boyfriend

Little Bitty just told me that I can’t get a boyfriend or a husband because she loves me very much and wants to sleep in my bed forever. She said if I get a boyfriend or husband then he will love me very much too and want to sleep with me and then she can’t. So I just can’t have one. πŸ€£πŸ˜‚



{September 24, 2018}   Find a Boyfriend

I am ready to scream, twice today I have been told I just need to find a boyfriend to live with so I don’t have to worry and stress so much over money. One was Bff and the other was Mr. To Broken. Just like my friend saying before just find a man the rest will work out.

I don’t get it, what am I supposed to just go out to what the bar tomorrow pick someone up and be like hey why don’t you move in with me tonight? Now tomorrow you need to pay all these bills? Is this how it works these days? Even if I met someone it would be a little bit before we decided to get together and then some time to decide if it is going to work out or not and move in together. They aren’t going to be paying my bills and things in the mean time. So if I do find someone and move them it is just a matter of time before decide to go on their way and do something else and your in the same jam or worse. Or you end up putting up with a lot you shouldn’t to keep them around. I’m not putting up with crap and im not rushing out to get with just whoever to have help.

Hell when I lived with someone in the past I helped them get ahead good jobs and everything else and still look where it got me alone still so what good does it do me to find someone. Like i told her no one wants me.

I told Mr. To Broken I gave up on praying and waiting for better to happen. It has been 5 years now and nothing better has happen. We just keep getting worse and worse off. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.

I guess I pissed them and the kid off because they all said they were going to bed or they would talk to me tomorrow. Nothing is going to change but okay.

Like I told bff tonight I am closer and closer to walking away and disappearing everyday. Let everyone else figure out how to take care of it all. I don’t feel anything but aggravation and resentment. I don’t want to start feeling that way toward my kids so its better to walk away for a while and work on me. When do I get my time to make a better life? To just have a break once in awhile when? When do I get to stop struggling? Never if I don’t take it.



{August 8, 2018}   Need Some One To Love You

I was talking to a friend last night. Well not really a friend, not sure what you would call him really. I have never met him he is a friend of Bff, her family has know him a long time. Some how we became friends on line back after me and RC broke up. Once in a while we will message and talk. Last night we got to talking some how.

He isn’t happy with his wife and they are living together in the same house but not together so he says. I don’t know I don’t care, I am not interested in him. We just talk he tries get me to go out or meet him here or there. I just tell him no. Not what I am looking for.

Yesterday I said you have an ol lady. He says his we aren’t together just here for my son and until I find the right one that I love and who loves me. I said no women wants to here I’m just with my wife or living here until I find someone else. Are you crazy? Well all relationships are different I try not to look to much into them. I said yeah not what I am looking for. Why why not blah blah.

I did not date for a long time because I truely was just stuck living like roommates with my ex and fighting him for divorce. Why would anyone want someone in that situation and how would you trust someone in that situation? I could not do it and after thinking about it, it was like why would I want a guy willing to date someone in that situation? Odds are they are not going to be on the up and up either. I just at that point decided to do what I needed to do for me and the kids and to get my divorce done.

But anyway we were talking in general about dating and relationships and things. He said your friend isn’t doing his job or a good job. You need a new one. I said no I need a man not a friend. I am over having a friend. Being a lone.

He said…You just haven’t had a man to love you before he fucks you and makes you feel loved always…..

I looked at it and it made me cry just about thinking about it. Because I don’t know if any of my ex’s really loved me or if they loved the idea of what I could do for them. Like take care of the house and kids and things. I do think that RC did but, I don’t know if any of tje other did and I know the ones I been talking to and getting to know don’t. I think Starfish cares, love I don’t know.

I just messaged him back no one loves me not good enough for that. He said I just need to give someone a chance let someone in. I can’t just give up.

How many am I supposed to let in and give a chance to? To just still be sitting here a lone. I feel like I put in all this time just getting to know them it goes no where. I feel like I am wasting my time.

I am still stuck between getting my shit together then trying again and maybe just finding someone and letting it all sort itself out like my friend said.

What one is better the one that walks in when everything is going great and wants to join in? Or the one that walks in when everything has went to hell and wants to help you clean up the mess and sticks around? I just don’t know.

My friend knows where I am and where I have been and gone through he still wants me knowing where I am now and that I am sinking. He offered even to just rent a room to help me out. I just can’t get past the other things. I still feel like I want to talk to him, but to say what? What is it going to accomplish if I do? Do I really want to be with him? Would I really be happy in the long run with him? I think I could be happy but always feel I settled.



et cetera
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