{April 12, 2019}   Working Hard

I heard from Special K today he said he had been busy and had things going on. He said he was out of town yesterday for work and had fallen asleep last night when I was messaging him. I had gotten off early and messaged to see if he was still up. He said they were busy today and he been working.

I asked him if he had his daughter this weekend and he said no. I asked what he was doing tonight he said he still had no money so nothing. I told him he didn’t need money to just hangout. We have been talking off and on through the day. I might go over tonight when I get off. I am off early again tonight. I told him I just want to stay in and relax not really in the mood to go out or do anything. We haven’t seen each other in a while be nice to just catch up and maybe have a conversation about everything I have been thinking about and trying to decide or work out on my part.

I am not sure how or what to say if I bring it up. How do I explain why now and not before? Is he even going to ask or want to know? How do I bring it up?

{December 11, 2018}   Have You Ever

So the guy who wanted to buy my truck and who told me about the job will be called Mr. Auto from now on.

My Thursday, drive to work conversation.

Mr. Auto, called while I was taking the kids to school and I didn’t notice. I called back later but then Little Man stayed home sick he started talking to me. He said get ready for work and talk to your boy. Call me in a bit when you can talk.

I finished what I had to do and got out of the house and called him back. I wanted to see if it was about the job or just him wanting to talk. It was just him talking. He didn’t say a lot of anything for a bit just this and that.

He said something again about me not answering when he called before and things. He said I pass your house I started to stop by but I didn’t know who might answer. Then I thought Sleeping beauty had moved back in. I didn’t want to make him mad. He got mad before about some girl he knew he thought I was to friendly with.

I said why would you think he moved back in? And even if he did he don’t tell me who I can or can’t talk to and something about not being together.

He said I don’t know you all living or lived in the same house & sleeping in the same bed together. That’s more than roommates.

I said wait a minute, I don’t know what you have been told by who. But we are not together now or have we ever been anything more than friends. I needed to rent my extra room he needed a place to stay we help eachother out. I said had it been anything more between us he would of never moved in or stayed the night in my house.

He said what do you mean?

I said I have 4 kids at home 24/7. I do not ever bring guys I am talking to, to my house. I do not let guys meet my kids. My kids do not even know if I go on a date or if I am talking to a guy. I said I would have to be in a relationship 4 to 6 months before I even thought about telling my kids and letting them meet. Then it would be a long time down the road before I would think about living together. I said so no he would of never been to my house muchless living there. So if you heard different whoever said it lied and I will tell you right infront of them they lied, I don’t care.

He said something about him and why it never was more or what.

I said he makes comments it comes up but that is as far as it ever goes. Then I don’t hear from him again for weeks or months. I said I am not wasting my time or waiting around for him or anyone.

He said can I get personal a minute ask you something? I said yeah what? Thinking how much more personal do you want to get?

He goes have you ever dated a black guy before? I said no. I said well back in school if you want to count that he was mixed. He said why I hadn’t talk to him since or what. I said that was to long ago and I haven’t talk to him since his dad was my boss. They closed and moved.

He said but never really dated before? I said no. He said I didn’t think so why? I said I don’t know, maybe because they are all like the white ones, they all want to talk shit no action to back it up. I scare them off like the white ones or anyothers.

He laughed kind of and said scare them off, how do you do that or what do you mean?

I said because if I have a man in my life or around it is not because I need him for something. He is this because I want him there. I want to spend time with him, do things together or what. I am not looking for a man to pay my bills and buy me things or to take care of me or my kids. I said I may struggle but I can do it myself. If we are together we are because of them not what they can do have or give. I said most don’t know how to be with someone like that. They know they can’t pull shit or get away with shit because they know they can be dropped in just a minute. I said I let myself ger in a spot where I was dependent for a bit and I wont let that happen again. Guys don’t know how to act if they aren’t needed. I said we need to work as a team to make sure what is needed is covered then to have what we want.

He stammered a little said oh um, wow um yeah your right if you think about it. Um ah um I got to go! I said okay we hung up. I heard from him a little since but not much. He called last night ask what I was doing? I said goinbg home, cooking, feeding kids and putting them to bed. He ask what my plans were after that i said I didn’t know. He say much. Said he was at the mall shoping for shoes for his son. Something about shoping or liking to shop.

I said I don’t know I don’t like to shop for shoes, clothes or purses. I like to shop for houses, trucks and furniture.

He said you like to shop for the big money stuff. I said yeah hints why I don’t get to shop.



{September 1, 2018}   Only Want You

But they all have such high walls they feel it is to good to be true and push you away or keep you at arms length.

{August 18, 2018}   Bed Sharing with Kids

I hate kids in my bed, right now I have Little Bitty in my bed. It drives me crazy to have her here. None of my other kids slept with me. If I was with someone now she wouldn’t be I am sure. Co sleeping is great if it works for you I see nothing wrong with it. But it don’t for me. My bed is that one space just for me and if I am with someone them. Its my one place i can be kid free and however I want to be and be comfortable. If I am with someone we can have at least that area that we can go to talk or whatever kid free.

When me and RC got together his boys slept in his bed at times. He said he didn’t mind if they slept with us once in a while or came and laid down with us. I wasn’t made about it and understood. It just bothered me about having someone else’s kid in our bed even though they were his. They weren’t mine. I think I would not want my kids going to their dads and sleeping with him and his girlfriend or wife. I be pissed off really. I am not sure really why I can’t say anyone thing about it that bothers me. It all just does.

But after me and RC were together a few months or more his youngest use to get up sometimes at night and if we were in bed he come in there. RC try to get him lay him beside him or on his side he come get up on my side and curl up to me and go to sleep. If we hadn’t went to bed i would be on the couch his dad be on one side or in his chair, he walk past him climb up and lay down with me. I wasn’t going to tell him no or get away. He didn’t feel good had a bad dream or what he just wanted that motherly person and for him I had become that because his was not in the picture. It bothered me but not as bad as it had. But even then when we spent the night at his sisters she pulled the couch bed out for us all. I slept on the couch let him and the boys have the bed. They were already sleeping when we got there he got in bed with them I just laid on the couch.

Even though I was okay with him coming and laying with me on the couch or laying down with us at night once in a while I still do not like kids in my bed all the time and still would have a problem with my kids being in bed with my ex and whoever no matter how long they had been together. Maybe it is my lac of trust of people I don’t know. I just be mad if I foundout they were all sleeping together.

But I also would not be comfortable having them sleep in the bed with me and whoever I was with either. Maybe after we been together and things for a while and living together would be one thing. But I don’t know I would.

What is odd when I watched my “friends” little girl me her, and my two little ones would all go get in my bed and nap about everyday. Just to take a nap I do not mind them because I can keep them close and know if one gets up and it keeps them from playing not napping. I never thought about what he would say or her mom. I know he wouldn’t care i sent hom picture of them all laying with me watching tv playing with the baby or sleeping what. She told them. It wasn’t a big deal. My little ones has stayed with my bff and they will nap in her bed with her or sleep with her but it is just them no one else or her and her kids.

Is that odd and just me and my weird issues? Or do others feel the same? I would love to hear others opinions?

{April 26, 2015}   The Third Degree

Yesterday when I decided me and the kids were going to take our little trip I didn’t really tell anyone. I told my friend I was thinking about going up in the night when we were talking. Then I asked my other friend that morning when I got the kids up to get ready, if she wanted to go. That was it.

So last night when I had to call father of the year to get the truck unlocked. Lest he could do since we are going on the 2 nd pay check he has given my nothing out of sine he left. He has rent to pay, bills to pay, shoes to buy, and phone bill to pay. Because you know the rest of us live for free and don’t have all that stuff to pay he seems to think. I said yeah well we have all that same stuff to buy as well. He just says I don’t know I have to see. Anyway you all already know all about that because it’s another story already written (Stupid Phone).

When I called something was said about the kids being so tired. I said we haven’t been home since 7 something this morning they were ready to go home. Then I couldn’t find the keys, we have spent time looking for them then found them in the truck. He asked where we were I told him he said oh you’ve been there helping out with the relay all day. I said no we were in Daytona most the day just came down here for a hour or so when we got back.

I could hear him choke he said you were where? I told him again. Then he wanted to know why we went up there. I said was board wanted to get out and do something. I told him what we did. Then it was well who did you go with? Who did you meet there? I said just me and the kids and I didn’t meet anyone there. We just went by ourself. He didn’t have much to say then. Like he didn’t believe me. Then he wanted to know what made you go there and you never go off like that. I said I told you I wanted to get out of the house there is nothing here to do and I decided it wouldn’t cost hardly anything to go so we packed lunch and went.

After everything was done and I finally got the keys I was on my way home and he called me. Are you seeing someone? Are you talking to someone? Who are you dating? I don’t know why you are lying to me why don’t you just tell me? I said I did tell you. Not my fault you don’t believe me. I’m not seeing, talking to, dating anyone not that if is any of your business if I was but I have no reason to hide it either because we aren’t together and haven’t been for a really long time. Besides dose he really think I’m going to take the kids to go see some guy? If I did dose he really think they wouldn’t tell him at some point when they seen him and started telling him about their trip?

Me and my friend had just been talking about this at the park before I had to call him. How he is and how he is trying to make it so that I don’t have any money thinking I will let him come back over here so he will pay the bills. Even though we aren’t together he don’t care as long as he is here and it looks like we are. Like she said if he is here I’m not with anyone else either. He can’t have me back and he don’t want me to be with anyone else and be happy either. It is true.

My other friend said tell him yeah you are seeing someone and that if he don’t take the kids on his days I was going to take them with me to see him. But really he wouldn’t care and still wouldn’t pick them up. He really wouldn’t then because he want to pump them for info when he did see them. Other than that he wouldn’t care they were around some guy I was seeing or talking to even if I just met him and knew nothing about him really. Like I told him he drags them along and takes them to meet women he met on line from these dating sites and worse I know he met one on craigslist. This even after we talked about not having them around people we just met or just started dating. If they been together for a little while and it seems to really be something then maybe. But like I said before I don’t want them around anyone I am talking to, dating or in a relationship with for at least 4 to 6 months. May sound crazy but they don’t need a new person in and out all the time.

I know it is probably killing him to get the kids by their self to ask them if anyone went with us or if we met anyone there. This morning I look at my facebook he posted on my profile good morning beautiful and this little smiley face. I hid it from my page and acted as if I didn’t even see it. What dose he really think that is going to get him?

Like I told another friend last night even if he changed 100% and fixed everything that was wrong I don’t want him back. Even if I knew it would stay that way and never change again he went back to the person he was when we met or what ever. In no way shape form or reason would I even consider taking him back. He has done things that he should have never done and should have never done to his wife girlfriend or whatever. And he is still doing shit just like not giving me anything at all to help out with the kids in a month he has been gone. Not answer his phone when he see’s my number calling. The kids try to call him he don’t answer it. Last night I call and call and someone else has to call and tell him it is a emergency he needs to call us back before he calls.

There is a reason I flinch when he gets close to me, and he makes my skin crawl and I can’t stand to have him in the same house or around.


et cetera
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