{November 19, 2019}   Took Time For Myself

I had not been out in months, probably 4 or more. All my time lately has been at work or out with the kids doing something with them. I was starting to feel irritated and in a bad mood all the time. I didn’t want to be at work, I didn’t want to be at home or around the kids. If you are a parent I am sure you know that feeling when you haven’t had a break and your busy with no time to yourself.

My “friend” messaged me during the week and asked if I wanted to go out for a while. I told him I couldn’t go out until Saturday around 8. I never go out on Saturday but I needed the break and figured that by 8 the kids would be settled. We had plans during the day and I figured I would take them to dinner. By 8 they could settle for the night watch movies and play until they went to bed.

I got home and out around 7 and messaged him to see what he was doing. He said he wasn’t ready he was just starting to get ready. I told him that was fine. I had a few things to take care of to let me know when he was done. I went and put my check in the bank and stopped at the pharmacy. He told me he was ready and asked if I wanted to meet at his house and take his car? So I went over there.

We ended up going up to the pool hall having a few drinks, played some pool and talked. We went back to his place and talked for a while and I was home by 11. But it was a nice relaxing night and a much needed break.

I think I am going to see if others want to go shoot some games of pool or darts maybe once a week or every few weeks. I use to be so good at pool and now I am horrible at it. But I love to play. Darts I have never played out anywhere just at houses but had a lot of fun playing. It be better than going and sitting listening to a bunch of people that can’t sing and eating all the time. I am going to ask around tomorrow see who would be interested in going.

{April 1, 2019}   World Records

The conversation I had last night laying in bed with Mr. 8

Mr. 8 : mom have you ever won or broke a world record?
Mr. 8: I bet if there was one for how many times you could wreck or hit something with your car and still drive it……………um yeah um Maybe that isn’t a good example. I love you mom
Me:😯🙄😁i love you too kid

All things why does he think of that? Really wow.

{March 11, 2019}   Get Through The Week

If I get this job this Wednesday will be the last week I can go to Applebee’s with bff and whoever goes for a while because I will work until 10 or 11 and then have to drive home.

I will have Saturday and Sunday free now so Sunday won’t be a problem. But I may stop going and doing that as well. Depending how Wednesday and this Sunday go. I told bff tonight that as well.

I just need time to work on all that has happen this last 2 or 3 weeks and dealing with the bullshit from him. He don’t fully know how I feel about him but he knows I do. Like I told her as much as I do I can’t keep dealing with the text like I got this morning. Like I said no one could beat me up more than I have myself or will. But I don’t need it drilled in anymore from him either. I am trying to forget it all deal with my feelings and myself over it all and move on. I am okay with it just not how it happen and that he will not say why.

Like I told her I don’t want to run him off, I’m not saying he is there that is why I’m not coming kind of thing. I am not coming because I need space and time and with out all the bs. I need to deal with myself that is all. I don’t mind him around the kids like him around he is fun to hang out with and will help in a jam.

She just said get through the week see how things go. Then we will see. I don’t know what she is thinking. I told her not to say anything to him about it i just want to see how the week ends up on it’s own.

{October 7, 2018}   So Much Happening

Hey guy’s I have so much to catch you up on but I am also, so tired I can’t hold my eyes open. I have managed to get 7 or 8 post set up. I went and titled them all so that hopefully I will remember what all I want to tell you all and what you need some catching up on.

Hope to be around and get some done tomorrow. Until then Goodnight.

I fell asleep before I could hit post wouldn’t you know. I just pulled in at work so time to get busy for a few hours. I only have 4 or 5 that I can work today so not a long day. After that I should have some time to catch up a little bit. Happy Sunday all.

{September 26, 2018}   My Friend Hates Me


So the first week or so of school Little Bitty loved to go and would race into class to be with her friends. After that she takes forever to get to class wants to stay home and just slow about going into class when we get there. I have asked and ask why the change what was wrong and she says nothing.

Today she came out and we started to walk home and she stopped after a few steps and says my friend is mean to me. He tells me he hates me and he wants to kill me. He is just breaking my heart all the time I try to be nice to him. But he just keeps breaking my heart.

I couldn’t of heard that right ask again she says the samething. I ask if she told her teacher she said no she was waiting for her other friends to tell her. That now he is saying mean things to the other kids and he can’t to that and he is going to break their hearts and that isn’t nice. She says he has been saying this stuff to her everyday. This makes since to me now because around the 2nd week of school the teacher moved her seat because of her hearing. This is when she stop being so exited about going. But why did she wait this long to tell me and only once he started with the other kids and she don’t want him to break their hearts like he has hers.

Her teacher was not there today so I told her we would be having a talk with her in the morning. If she is not there we will be going to the office.

I feel so bad she waited all this time to tell me. Why was it okay when he was doing it to her but now he is others so she tells.

{January 9, 2018}   Failed My Daughter

As I sat here tonight messing with one of those mindless apps that my oldest showed me and my mind started to wonder. I have a lot of things from the past on my mind the last few days.

I started thinking about her and somethings that have happen the last few months and days. But first let me say when I decided to get a divorce there were a lot of reasons why, but one of my biggest reasons was all the abuse and different forms of abuse my children were witnessing just about daily.

I did not want my boys growing up thinking this was how you treated your girlfriend, wife or any other women in their life. I also did not want my daughter (only had one at the time) to grow up thinking this is how her boyfriend, husband, or any other guy was supposed to treat her.

Tonight I realized that when I left it was to late I had already failed my daughter and her view of how a guy should treat her was already formed.

Last year she came home and with a lot of prompting finally told me that this new boy in her class twisted her arm behind her back and wouldn’t let go. She was telling him he was hurting her and to let go and he wouldn’t stop. He was not playing he was pissed off because she wasn’t doing what he wanted or wouldn’t give him what he wanted while they were playing ball.

I ask her what she did and she said nothing he finally let her go and she went on and played something else. I ask if she told anyone or what teaches or other kids said? She said teachers didn’t say anything she didn’t know if they seen it and the other kids just told him he needed to let her go and that was about it. I ask her what she did to defend herself and she said nothing. She didn’t want to get in trouble. I ask her if she told the teachers or did anything about it when he finally let her go and she said no. When asked why she made excuses mostly for him and how she didn’t want to get him in anymore trouble since he was already in a ton and it was only his first day and he let her go it wasn’t that bad. But she was almost in tears at the time and was upset when she was telling me about it. I was so mad I hit the roof. I told her I didn’t care where she was or who it was or what she thought may or may not happen that if a boy ever put his hands on her again she had better stand up for herself and fight back anyway she could. Once she got away she had better find whoever was there to handle things and make them aware of it as well. That she was not to let anyone put their hands on her and for sure not a boy/guy/man.

Fast forward to last week when she started talking to a friend online. He is a sweet kid and looks at her as a best friend. He was asking if they could do things this Summer. He told her that if they were out somewhere together he would keep her safe. He told her if they were in public she needed to go back to the car or to get something he would go with her to make sure nothing happen to her. He had talk to me and told me the same thing. He told me he thought of her as a best friend and just wanted to make sure she was safe and that nothing happen to her look out for her because that is what best friends do. I thought it was sweet and impressed to hear such a thing.

Well when he said this to her she came and showed me and felt that it was odd or creepy. She didn’t know what to say to it or how to take it. I could tell it really bothered her she came right to tell me and show me what was said. I told her he was just being nice and cared that she was safe because she was a friend and there was nothing odd or creepy about it. And went on.

Tonight for some reason both of these things came back to me and all of a sudden it struck me as funny how when the guy was being abusive she thought nothing of it tried to protect him and make excuses for him and didn’t want to say anything or for me to say anything about it the next day. But when a guy is being decent and wants to treat her good and make sure others do and nothing happens to her, her first thought is that it isn’t right and something is wrong. It hit me that as young as she was and getting her out of it didn’t stop it from effecting her and forming her thought of normal. And now I am left to undo all that she seen and learned. To make her understand that yest this is how things were but this is not how it was supposed to be and this is why I got out. To make her see that yes what he is saying is great and what she should be looking for in friendships and relationships. And make her believe it and pray that she does it and what has been done can be undone and she don’t end up in a relationship like I did and that if she does that she is strong enough to get out and to ask for help if she needs it and knows from the be-gaining that it is not her and there is nothing wrong with her.

When I said I don’t want my boys to think this is how to treat their girlfriends, friends, wives and other women in their lives and I don’t want my daughter to think this is how guy friends, boyfriends, or a husband is supposed to treat her. Everyone laughed and said it was an excuse, it wasn’t that bad and I could say because they wouldn’t think that or learn that. No one looks at things that way that is just me and my way of making it okay to leave. I didn’t have to make it okay in my mind for me to leave because I knew that I should of never been treated that way from the start. I didn’t have to make it okay for anyone else because it is mine and my kids lives and were the ones living in the abuse not anyone else. I said it because it was true and everyone talks about breaking the cycle of abuse we have this cycle because so many do not think about the kids and how it effects them or what they are picking up, learning and seeing. They think they are to little to be effaced or that they would never do that because they seen how it hurt their mom or they see how it hurt them. No they learn that this is how we handle things, even if they didn’t like it, it is just normal in their mind and the way things are done. Few will change and not follow in the same path but the sad fact is many will. I grew up in a home with abuse I hated it and did everything I could to stay away from it and I still ended up in the situation. Guess what my ex grew up in a home with his mother was abused and he was by his father.

So if you are in an abusive relationship if you don’t get out for yourself get out for your kids. Because rather you want to believe or not they are being effected and most likely will go on to abuse or be abused later in life. And if this isn’t true then why is abuse so prevalent? Why do we need battered women’s shelters and women’s centers? These guys are learning it from somewhere and these girls are learning its okay from somewhere.

I know it is long but I felt it is something that needs to be said and maybe seeing it from someone that has been there done that and seeing the effects will convince someone to get out. There is help out there. If you need it ask, you can in box me and ask, I can give you numbers and names of places to call and help as much as I can even if it is just for support.

{May 14, 2017}   A Message

I have looked on my oldest account a few times to see if Father of the Year posted anything about moving or anything like that. I just look from my phone and go on. I would rather have him served at home than at his job, I know it should’t matter but I don’t like doing things at peoples jobs and don’t need him to lose his job.

Today I was sitting here at my computer and logged in to look figuring it is the weekend and he is off today maybe he say something about moving in a new place or something. I see she has a new messaged so I just pulled it down to see who it was from and see my mom had messaged her then there was one under that. I pulled it down a little more and see it was Father of the Year on May 6th. He says I love you kids, tell the other kids I love them and I hope to see you kids soon. It struck me as funny the way it was worded, that isn’t it word for word because the way he said it I can’t even remember it was so off. My oldest says oh okay tell him I love him too I guess. I said that’s all? She said yeah I don’t really feel anything about what he is doing.

I tell Big Boy he says oh I love him too, I miss daddy. He has told me and the therapist two days a week when we go since he left how he feels ab-banded, left, angry, sad, and a ton of other things. I said you don’t want to write him the letter you say you want to write since he will get it on here? No that’s all.

I tell my Big Guy he wrote her and what he said, he says I love him too I tell him he is the best daddy I ever had. This is the one with full blown panic and anxiety attacks over all this.

Maybe its wrong of me but I don’t tell him shit, I marked it as unread and logged out. They are free to log on and talk to him tell him whatever they want to tell him.

I am trying so very hard not to be mad or upset about it but I am. I don’t know what I am more mad and upset about, them acting as if he did nothing and we weren’t just sitting here trying to figure out how to keep the lights on and how to get food for the week. I don’t know if I am more mad at the fact that we talk all the time about not letting people treat you any way they want and say nothing about and put up with it. That it don’t matter if it is friend or related people don’t treat you any way they want and you are just say nothing. Just like the kids who put his hands on my oldest and she said and did nothing, it is no different your not a door mat, your not a punching bag, your feelings matter, your wants, needs, dreams matter. You are not here to make anyone happy but your self and your children if you have them and that isn’t even going to be an all the time thing. Once you are happy then everyone else should be happy for you.

I’m mad that he walks around and does this and acts like he can do whatever he wants to whoever he wants and no one says nothing to him at all. Everyone tells him how happy they are for him he found someone, everyone tells him how he should be happy. No one knows the truth no one knows what went down, no one knows how he treats his kids no one knows he don’t support his kids half the time, no one knows they sit here doing without worried if there is going to be lights tomorrow or food on the table this week. No one knows that they do because he skips paying for weeks or months at a time so I am spending my money to pay everything until it’s gone way sooner than it should be. Although he skips weeks and months at a time he pays it back a couple dollars here and a couple dollars there so we don’t do anything but almost float and can never get our money back in savings and have everything paid up on time in full. It pisses me off no one says anything to him and lets him walk around like he is the best father in the world and was the best husband and I’m just the bitch that left him and screwed him. For that matter I did not screw him in anyway, I gave him the house moved out of it and gave it to him and he lost that. I don’t say anything why he pays support on half what he is making to help him out and he can’t even pay that and screws everyone over in the end there too.

I am just pissed off that the kids say nothing. I am trying so very hard to not be mad at them and trying so hard to just have a good mothers day but after seeing that hearing that and everything else it is hard. I sat here and cried, yes the one who doesn’t cry according to everyone else. I know they are kids I know they do not understand I know that is their dad. If they had not said anything about anything that was going on and the one wasn’t having full blown anxiety over it all and they really didn’t have anything to say or feel anyway or the other would be one thing. But when they sit here tell me how mad they are and how hurt they are and upset they are and how him and Wanda done them but then say nothing he just says hey its me after weeks of blowing you off moving not giving you my address, changing my number and everything I’m back nothing happen.

I’m really not mad at them I am just pissed off the way he does. I am pissed off he just walks around does whatever the fuck he wants in life can have a life and pretends to be daddy when and if it fits his time. While I sit here busting my ass to make sure my kids have everything they need, get to do clubs and things and can’t ever have a few minutes just to catch my breath and if i ask or want to do something I’m told how its not right or how I should be with my kids. I am just tired and maybe I am wrong for feeling any of this and maybe its all me like everyone says I don’t know. I am just so done and so ready to throw in the towel and say forget it all. I want to be happy for a change not just happy we are barely surviving but truly happy and not have a worry in the world. I feel bad for saying that because I love my kids and would do anything for them. But like I said I am tired. I don’t need to dump my kids on someone else to be happy, I could be happy with my kids really. I am happy with my kids. I am just not happy about the way things are. If the court order was followed as it is supposed to be then I could be happy with life not just happy with my kid. I could be happy because I would have my part of things covered, I would know that their dad was stepping up to the plate and being daddy making sure he paid his part to make sure they had the things they needed and wanted. He would step up to the plate and take them on his weekends and I would have that chance to breath.

{April 27, 2017}   A Long Week

I can’t believe it has only been ten days that I have been gone. It feels like a year, so much has happened. I was at therapy with the kids today and just telling her what happen the last week since we were there, that took an hour and she was in shock and couldn’t believe it. She always says what you tell me goes on in a day most people couldn’t do in a week.

Tonight is the first night I have felt like writing in a long time. The last month or more I have not felt like writing or posting at all but I did it because it was stuff I wanted to get out or stuff I wanted to have to look back on later, so I did it. I have wanted to post since Friday but have been dealing with and going through to much to even have time or really want to do it. I will break it up into a few post or it will end up being one huge post that I wouldn’t even want to read. Don’t know if I will get to all of them tonight or not but will get at least one done. Heck I don’t know if there is even more than two to write, I really can’t even remember anything before Friday. I am going to think about it as I write in hopes of remembering something.

{April 13, 2017}   Spring Break

I have been around but not posting all that much right now. I really haven’t felt like writing or had a lot to say. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Not a lot going on good or bad right now just life happening. Kids are out on Spring Break and sick. We were at the doctor again two days ago, one has croup again, one has double ear infection, one is wheezing and the other has sines stuff going on.

Father of the year has been here three times this week. He came Saturday and dropped money off about 7 and left, said he had things to do. Then calls at almost 10 to see if he can come over. I told him fine the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room getting rid of stuff, so not headed to bed being a holiday. I told him to help the boys go threw their toys and get rid of some. He was here for hours I was in my room doing stuff on line. The kids are getting ready for bed I come out and the only thing that got done was the bedroom floor sweep. He said he been doing that all that time. It’s a bedroom full of shit there isn’t that much floor to sweep.

Monday he calls and wanted to know if he could come over at almost 630 pm. I told him yes go ahead, my friend Wanda was here she come to stay the night with me. We were going to do her hair and go threw some things when the kids went to bed. I was surprised he showed up in no time. I said I am leaving dinner is in there make it and feed the kids. Me and Wanda took his truck since mine isn’t fixed yet and went to see our other friend J. Then we stopped grabbed something to eat and came home. By then it was midnight he still sat there for two hours or more before he went home. I picked something to drink up on the way home and me and Wanda say outside and had a drink waiting on him to leave. He came out there and hung out for a bit before he finally did.

Then tonight he calls at dinner time again and wants to come over. I picked us up a couple pizza’s and told him stop and grab one we were about to eat if he hadn’t eaten already. Of course he showed up without it. Said he didn’t have $5 to get one. I said well they just sat down to eat if there is any left when they are done I guess you can have some of it. But I wasn’t telling him to eat until they were done and I wasn’t going to buy more pizza if I was going to spend that much on pizza I would have gotten them somewhere else and gotten others we wanted instead of what we got. Besides it isn’t my place to feed him.
He is working normal day time hours since all the kids are on Spring Break and they are working on schools. Normally they work 3 pm, to 1 or 2 in the morning. I like when he works that better, he isn’t calling wanting to come over all hours of the night. It still gives him time to see the kids because he has three day weekends as well. Not that he see’s them then anyway but he has the time if he really wanted to he can’t say he works all the time. I will be happy when school starts back Monday.

Tonight when he was here he said the guy at work told him he is going to talk t the boss about getting him a raise. He said he was going to try and get him another $2 an hour if not at least another $1. Not that the kids will see anything more when he was making more at the other place he still had to be forced to help. I have to hound him to get him to pay what he is supposed to and it is less than he should be paying by at least half or more.

I am just trying to buy my time and get things lined up for me and the kids to move and just track everything and have record of it all for when I have to go to court and ask the judge if we can leave the state. This way I have a good case built as to why being here vs. somewhere else isn’t going to matter when it comes to seeing, and doing for his kids. Because he don’t take them when he is supposed to and hardly see’s them at all. How he pays when and what he wants.


{March 18, 2017}   72 Days Too Many

The last few days I have been thinking about the fact that Father of the Year and RC do nothing again. I am here 24/7/365 days a year doing everything and never get a break hardly or have to rely on when someone else can do it and can’t even pay them to do it. My friend Wanda I help a lot who watches them for me and helps me that is it. My friend J I have to pay to watch them. I understand their time and things as well. But it isn’t like I don’t help her and haven’t done a lot for her as well most without ever being asked. She says she will watch them but then never does or offers or can’t unless I am paying. My friend Wanda that I help will offer to come over and sit with the kids so I can get out. She will tell me see what your “friend” is doing I will come sit with the kids so you can get out for the night or whatever. If my friend is busy she is the only other one that goes out with me if I go so then I am sitting alone if she is at home babysitting for me to go out. That’s no fun, last time I paid J to sit with the kids so me and Wanda could go out. I go by myself but I don’t like to.

I feel like it is just another hoop to jump through to get to go out. I have to make sure the kids are feed and ready for bed and things before I go, I have to pick Wanda up and bring her to the house before I go and then by up bright and early with the kids the next morning and to take her home. Where if Father of the Year and RC were doing their parts I could just get ready, go out and enjoy myself. Not thinking the whole time are the kids okay, are the kids listening, do they need anything, I shouldn’t be out the kids are there, I should be with the kids, I have to be home before the kids get up, I have to get some sleep before the kids get up and the list can go on and on. I feel like I am on a time crunch to hurry do what I want to do and rush home. I know I am not and that the kids are fine and that I need to get out some and it is good to have a break but I can’t help but feel that way. Where as if the kids were with their fathers I wouldn’t have to worry about all that. I would know they were fine, I wouldn’t have to worry about being home in time for anything or what I need to do with them or any of that. I could have a kid free night/day and just relax. But we all know that is never going to happen.

Father of the year only has to be a father by law 72 days and a 104 hours give or take. He is supposed to have them other times too but that is not set just as we work out. But the number of days he is supposed to have them no matter what or how much I like it is every other weekend he is supposed to have them Friday after school until he drops them off at school Monday morning. Three whole nights!! Then he is allowed to pick them up one day a week every week for a few hours no set amount if you figure even 2 after school a week at the least. Just to see them spend some time with them. And he can’t do it, he can’t be a father 72 days out of 365 days in a year. How sad is that? But yet I am the one here every day no matter what doing it.

RC he don’t have any set days he has to be a father at all or anything set that he has to pay. I told him he could see her anytime he wanted as much as he wanted and just help me make sure she had what she needed when it came to helping take care of her. Because when he don’t have his problem he is great with his kids. He is all about spending time with them, taking them places, doing things they want to do, or just hanging out at home acting silly and being a kid with them and he makes sure they have what they need and tries to get them the things they want. I didn’t think I would have a problem with him doing what he was supposed to do. But that was before I knew about his problem and how bad it was getting and he decided to let it take over than get help. I tried to go get help to get him to at least pay his part but couldn’t because of the divorce. I have to go back now and see what I can do and how long it will take. Even if I can handle the things they need on my own they should get to do things they want to do and that right now I just don’t have the extra for.

It isn’t even the money that bothers me so much as the fact that they are never here for their kids. They don’t care enough to make an effort to see them and be a part of their life. I just don’t get how they can be that way. How they can not care at all or not care enough to think about how it is affecting them now and how it will affect the in the long run. It bothers me because I am here doing it all and can’t have a break once in a while no matter how hard I am working and doing what I am supposed to do while they are all off doing whatever they want enjoying life without a care in the world or a thought about anything or anyone but them and their needs and wants.

I know I know I have said this same stuff a 100’x before probably and bitched about it on here but that is just where I am again today. No pill or anything else is going to take the fact that I am the only one here every day doing it and that I never get a real break away. It isn’t going to take the fact that I have no life or the fact that like I said in my other post I haven’t felt loved or cared about in 5 years away. It isn’t going to change anything it isn’t going to let me have these things so it seems like what is the point in taking it. Just so I can kind of feel happy or better? I still have all these thoughts and feelings inside. It just makes me able to fake it to others a little better.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: