{November 18, 2019}   Cancer Sucks

Last week was already a hard week for me being sick and just feeling off. Wanting to cry and just really emotional. Yesterday I woke up sicker than I had been so far. I felt horrible Thursday then alright Friday and Saturday. Sunday I woke up and had next to no voice. I didn’t fall a sleep until after 4 am. I woke up at around 10:30 and everyone was sleeping still. I rolled over and went back to sleep. About and hour or more later, Little Bitty woke me up tapping me on the shoulder. I rolled over and she said I lost another tooth!! She has all the ones across the top in the front missing now. I got her to lay down and watch a show with me for another hour or so. Then I finally got up, took a shower and we went to pick something up for lunch.

The big kids wanted pizza roll things so we went and ordered those. While we waited for them we ran next door to get Little Bitty what she wanted. Oldest and her ran in to get it and I was in the car. I called my friend J and talk to her a minute. I seen she said somethings online. I thought her mom was sick again, she is here. I called she was out with her husband and granddaughter.

She said something about test or the doctor. I said what are you talking about? She said I told you….I said no. She said oh I haven’t talk to you yet. She proceeds to tell me that she has breast cancer. They have done a bunch of different test. More than they would of probably ever done here. That they were sure it is cancer in her one breast. The other test they done they feel she is at extremely high risk of getting it in the other as well. Her mom has had it as well.

She said she is going December 4th to get a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. They are going to do a tummy tuck and use that to do the reconstructive surgery. I didn’t release they could do that.  We talked a little more they had left and were driving she asked if she could call me back when they got home. She said she was having a hard time hearing me. With losing my voice and them driving I am sue it probably was hard I told her yes to call me whenever she got a chance.

I didn’t hear from her after that. Then this morning I got some text from her really early about 6 am. She kept saying she was sorry she hadn’t called me back. She said it was hard for her to talk about it and hold it together and how scared she was and thing. She is hoping to avoid chemo and radiation if she can. I know she is scared, I can’t imagine going through that, basically three major surgeries. Plus dealing with your doing this because of cancer and don’t know how it is going to turn out. Not like she knows oh they will do this everything is going to be okay like if it was your gallbladder or something like that.

She had cancer before when she was in her 20/30’s bad. She had female cancer then and I think, had everything removed then.

I know she is scared I feel so bad for her. I just sat in the parking lot and cried when we hung up. Then I pulled it together when the girls came out. I wish I was able to go see her even just for the weekend. If I had somewhere to leave the dogs and the kids. I just leave from work Friday night and get up there Saturday sometime. I leave Sunday in time to be home for work Monday. But I just don’t have the money or way to do it. I have to be here with the kids and need to do a few things to the car.

We had talked about us coming up for Thanksgiving a few months ago but we hadn’t talked much since then. I hadn’t brought it up because I knew things that have happen I wasn’t going to be able to go.


{November 9, 2018}   A Long Sad Day

No one was there when I got to work this morning so I opened and turned everything on and got to work. In a little bit the owners dad came it. We will call him Pop. So when I talk about pop that’s who it is.

He got right to work then came talked to me some. We had a customer and he went after they left and found something to keep himself busy. In a little bit he came sat back down. We talked some he was talking about his wife. He said he is 74 she is 68. He said I am supposed to go first why I married younger. She isn’t supposed to have all these problems.

In a little bit he said he was going to go so he could go see her. If a big order came in call him. If it was just small stuff he would get it later. I told him I would tell them all they could pick it up tomorrow.

It is so sad you can tell he is so worried and lost. He said I heard the C word I don’t remember anything else that was said hardly. He said she has had it so ruff the last few weeks.

I feel so bad he will come sit he just sits don’t say a lot. You can tell it is consuming him he feels so bad. I feel so bad for him. Its so very sad. Makes me want to cry. Reminds me of my grandpa when my grandma was so sick and then passed. They were 75 it wss so very hard on him. You can tell he really cares and they are close. He keeps going between the shop and the hospital. I told him we are good just spend time with her but I think its hard for her being there seeing her but then he feels bad not being being there.

It has been hard on me the last few days with all this going on thinking about my dad, grandpa and other family member’s.

I love my job its perfect in just about every way. It is what I have wanted for a long time. But this is not how or why I wanted to end up in this job and would rather not have it. But if it has to be……

I am just trying to figure out why I have been brought into this situation. What am I supposed to do, see, or get out of it or do for them or what. Its brought up a lot from my past that is hard for me. I have been trying to push it down and stuff it but it has been hard. I cried a little today between all that I am dealing with and seeing him. He was in the shop I don’t think he seen me. I feel I should be doing something or saying something. I don’t know what. I feel helpless. We sat and talked about all kinds of stuff Wednesday before they called and said they found the tumor on the brain and he left. I felt I needed to be working but he come in and sat and we started talking. Today about 4 I said something he ask what days i was booking for how many more I needed. I said next Thursday i needed 2 and to book fri and saturday. He said take a break relaxe you been busy. We just kind of sat there playing on our phones talking a little. He got a call i cashed the draw out dropped the money. I locked up turned everything off went back in the office. It was about 5/10 til 5. He was on the phone with his wife. I was just going to tell him everything was locked up I would see him tomorrow. He told her he would be there in a bit the new girl was pushing him out and going home and laughed. He hung up we were walking out. He said I sure hope she is going to be okay. I said she will. He went to his car. He was headed back to her when I passed him going to work. It is just so sad she is going through this and him too.

{November 9, 2016}   Found A Balance

As you all know I have started taking a medication as suggested by the counselor I started seeing. I have been on it for 6 days and the first 5 were hell. I felt drugged and sick to my stomach all day long. It made me sleepy as well. I hate the drugged feeling and the sick to my stomach feeling. My friend and her boyfriend both take it and said that their doctors told them to take it at night before bed. Monday I didn’t take it when I got up and took it when I went to bed. I slept pretty good other than the dog waking me up. I got up this morning and felt sick to my stomach a little bit, but after a little bit it went away and I was fine the rest of the day. I took it again tonight about the same time. I have been up a couple hours still but starting to feel tired and probably would have went to sleep when I took it had I went to bed. But I was staying up to catch up on my shows and on here. Now I just have to remember to take it around the same time every night or maybe even a little earlier so that maybe I won’t feel sick when I wake up. But if not I can deal with feeling a little sick for a few minutes in the morning to not feel sick and drugged all day. Over all I kind of feel like it maybe working. I picked my friend up as soon as I dropped the kids off this morning we went had breakfast this morning, we went feed the chickens I didn’t have to do it later and then hung out at my house for a while. I didn’t feel tired or annoyed. Because before I would want someone to come hang out or go somewhere with and then once they got here all I could think was how I wish they weren’t here I didn’t want to deal with them and I just wanted to go to bed, not be up entertaining anyone or dealing with anyone. It wasn’t like I was doing anything other than we were sitting here talking, laughing, joking and just carrying on. But I still just wanted to say you know what I got to take you home now because I don’t want you here, and they just got here two minutes before. I didn’t do it I didn’t say it or anything because as much as I wanted to I didn’t at the same time. I go back to the counselor next week. I also go to get my mammogram, ultrasound of the breast and ultrasound of the thyroid. The doctor has me coming back in a month so I guess will just have to get a copy of the reports.

I don’t know how I like this new time change yet. I like that it is dark earlier in a way because it just feels like everything slows down earlier. Even with the kids up I feel like I can decompress from the day. It’s hard to explain, the day time I feel like I have to go, go, go and have all this stuff to get done even if I really don’t. Once it gets to be night time I just feel like I can just relax and not be busy every second.

{October 22, 2016}   It Just Keeps Coming

In less than 24 hours I have had two out of my three closes friends told they have cancer. One has been having trouble for a month or more with her breast leaking blood and puss. She went to the doctor and has been waiting on them to get her mammogram set up. They called her Thursday and told her to be at the hospital the next day for 4 different test not just a mammogram. I guess they sent the results over to the doctor as soon as they were done. She called me today upset and freaking out.

The doctor told her that they found a large mass and that she has had something going on for a while and that it’s not good. That it has been a long time for her to have the leaking that she has. He told her that she is going to have to make some big decisions and make them fast she don’t have time to wait. They need to do a few more test and get started on treatment.

She told him that she wants them to take both breast and go from there. He was shocked that she had thought that much into it and knew what she wanted to do already. But me and her have been talking about it for a while and what if it was cancer (we knew most it was so prepare for worst) and what was best options to do. Even with it in one breast with already having it in one and her families history of cancer she figures it is best to go ahead and take both than waiting to see if it spreads or comes back and going through it all again. I don’t blame her I would do the same thing. She wants to wait the year or so and then have reconstructive surgery for her breast. I don’t know that I would go as far as to have them redone if I had to have them removed. I have been flat chested most my life until the last few years when I got fat and had kids. I don’t know if I would go through the pain and all that it takes to do that. But I can’t really say for sure if I would or wouldn’t.

Then my other friend who is so sick was back at the er yesterday they patched her up and sent her home like always. She has told them and told them she can’t get the doctors she needs and they just keep telling her there is nothing they can do. They told her yesterday she needs to see a GI doctor like always but now her esophiguse is bleeding and she is all inflamed down to her stomach. They told her that they are pretty sure it is cancer but nothing they will do for her she needs to figure out how to go to the doctor. If they would just do the test and tell on paper that the test shows it is cancer then she could get help but until she has something saying it has been shown from test they won’t give her help for anything that she needs help for. I have been trying to help her figure out how to get help. They sent her home with enough medication for the weekend and told her to get to someone right away. The medication they gave her to get through the weekend if $300. I don’t know how they think she can get that when she is telling them she don’t have the money and needs help. Even when they kept her for a week they did nothing for her but give her medication and fluids. Told her they were going to get some test she needed done taken care of to help her and did nothing. New doctors and things came on told her that they were not going to do nothing for her but get her feeling better and send her on her way. They couldn’t help it if she can’t get help to see a doctor. She has had health problems for a long time and bad ones for her age. If she had treatment maybe able to work and be doing better than what she is right now but since she has had no help she hasn’t been able to work and now worse than ever. They told her she probably has a year to live if she don’t get the help.

Cancer just sucks and it is hitting everyone I am close to and hard. I have all this stuff that they have told me for over a year now to get checked out and see what it is. I haven’t been to the first doctor for it. I was going to go when I had problems with my face swelling and hurting. I figured once they took care of that I would go from there and work on getting everything checked. I have gotten no where with that and no one wants to help or seems worried about it. It was a huge run around for nothing. I feel like why even try with the rest because it will probably turn out to be the same. And I am back to do I really even want to know? Would I rather just not know and live life. If I find out where do I go from there just forget it and live life, get treatment or what. Do I tell my family because I don’t really want them to know but then maybe the kids should know but why tell them and make them worry when there is no need to right now. If I tell the rest of my family they are going to be asses about it and push for what they want and they are the only ones that know and the doctors don’t know and you need to do this, do that, find a different doctor ask the them for this and that and not getting treatment isn’t an option with them. so it will be more stress and fight than anything else if they knew. Because I wouldn’t do what they wanted they be trying to force me into it talking about it all the time and I’m sure take the kids.

I need to figure out what I have to do next week and decide if I am going to go to the doctor or not since I missed going last week.

et cetera
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