{June 1, 2018}   Mr. To Broken

Was messaging my friend when we were out with the kids last night and then started calling me. He calls through facebook all the time I don’t answer. I have told him over and over I do not amswer on there it is hard to hear and breaks up to much. Only time I answer on there is when I know someone don’t have a phone. He started calling me on there anymore I just hit no and forget it.

He started calling me on the phone then so I answered see what he wanted. We talked for a bit and then he said something about being ready. I said for what? He said Saturday was his birthday and to go out. I told him no I had to work, I just picked up an extra day at work for the Summer and if I got out on time I was going to do pizzas. He said something about going out I said I can’t I have to work and make money I have bills do I am not turning down any hours that they offer. He got mad I could tell.

I ask him didn’t he have the kids the weekend he always does. He said yes but his parents said it was his 40th they would watch them to go have fun. I told him go out have fun with friends he said no one wants to be bothered with him he thought we do something. I don’t know what gave him that idea at all. I finally said I had to go it was to loud and I was doing things with the kids. He started his I’m sorry blah blah stuff. I said yep okay talk to you later. I think I am going to just stop talking to him at all he reads way to much into every thing. From talking all the time to me asking how his day is or asking how he is or whats going on. And the getting mad or all upset because I don’t like him its just not good. He seems to be getting worse about it and more pushy with it.

Other guys I talk to are friends with and even some I have been interested in have said things about wanting to date wanting to be more or what but they are not like him. I say something back jokingly or we will talk about it or I will just tell them I am not interested and we go on as friends no problems. We will joke once in a while or something but no one is pushy or gets mad like he does.

I don’t like it and he knows what he is doing because of things he has said. Like the other night he said if I am bothering you or something like that just say so. Talking about always talking about going out or being together. Well I shouldn’t have to tell you because I already have told you over and over I am not interested, I have told you I am not looking at this time and that if I was I have feeling for someone else that is more than just interested in or liking. If that don’t say it then how is me telling you anything else going to change that? If he cared then he 1. Would not keep on and 2 would not get so mad when I keep saying no and refusing to go places with him. Just the way he has been the last few times and the one time when he came to my house I am starting to think it is going to be best to cut contact with him. If I don’t just tell him what all is wrong with him. That will probably make him mad enough to stop talking to me or make him hound me more trying to change and be someone I am interested in. He just is someone I never will be interested in. I been around his type to much I know how he is.

I have had the thought a few times he may not leave me alone either and may get nasty if I try to stop talking to him. It might get worse he is the obsessive type. If it gets to that point that he won’t leave me a lone after telling him I will get one of my friends involved. If I have to say something to my Good Friend and let him say something to him or if I say something to Starfish and let him say something to him. After that I will go to the police if it don’t stop. But I know either of them would say something if it came down to it and I told them about it and ask them to. Good Friend said I should of told him what was going on with Starfish when all that went down and he would of taken care of it. But I didn’t need him to and I told him that. Told him if I had needed him I would of told him. Starfish wanted to come to my job I had started when we first started talking and tell the one boss there to leave me alone and when I said something about a stalker before he messaged me right away asking if I was okay everything. We hadn’t talked for a month or more then.

Mr. To Broken I am not scared of for say but I do not really know him very well or enough and he is about 3x my size. Most guys I know better have spent time with them and things. I kind of know what to expect from them if they are mad and things. Unless I had a gun I wouldn’t stand much of a chance if he tried something was able to get a hold of me. He is 6’6 and well over 200lbs. He made comments about my size and how big he was and things before. It would be one hell of a fight. He just don’t seem stable that is the part that bothers me the most in it all. The way he gets so mad the way he tries to act like he is always doing something for me or trying to. The more I think about it and right the more things just really do not seem right putting everything together. I really thinking I am going to back way off on talking to him. Even just as friends. You know they say listen to that gut feeling. I keep telling my bff there just something about him besides the things I have said that bother me about him. But I can’t figure it out. But thinking about different things he has said and done and things he is stalkerish and obsessive. I don’t like it. I am going to talk to my bff tomorrow about it. She says he stop talking to her since he been talking to me.

{May 14, 2018}   Just Want Someone to Love

Oh goodness, Mr. To Broken has been messaging me the last few nights and called me today. He telling me how he can’t find anyone amd how he is lonely and wants someone to love. I told him I know how that is but that it takes time to find that. He gets all mad and upset.

He was telling me today something about me amd him and if I just give him a chance and things. I was in the store and told him I would call him back when I got out. I did he isn’t answering now. Telling me how I am everything he is looking for and he is sorry for whatever he did to make me not like him. I told him really didn’t just over all we are in two different places wanting and looking for two different things. I am going to have to really spell it out for him and risk maybe hurting him and him getting mad but I can’t help it. It is not anything I have not said to him already.

He is not divorced yet, he has not gotten over his divorce yet, he has not given him self time to really process it and put himself back together from it. He has not found his way or new normal for himself or him and his kids. He just feels that if he finds someone that will take care of everything. It won’t.

He keeps saying he just wants someone to love. I told him Its part of a bigger picture. You can’t just meet someone and have love. You have to build a friendship and things that will turn into more. It takes time a lot of time. He is all you think I’m not capable of that? I told him yes I thought he was but that he needed to work on himself first.

Later we were talking he told me again for about the 5,000,000,000 time since we started talking back in December that he isn’t good enough. I told him You have to have confidence. If you have the attitude your not good enough you never will be. He didn’t say anything.

He called again last night telling me all why he loves me and how I am what he is looking for. How many times and ways do I have to say no before he gets it? I like him as a friend that is it. He really does have things he needs to work on and as long as he keeps doing things the way he is everyone is going to stop talking to him.

I want to love someone and be loved too and have someone tmwho is there for me and I can be there for too. But I don’t want it bad enough to just get with anyone to have it. I am ok being alone until the right person comes along. He says I am willing to give you all that I don’t see what the problem is. He don’t get there is more to it than that. I don’t know how or if anyone could ever make him understand. Maybe one day he will figure it out for himself.

{April 15, 2018}   Nice New Phone

I finally got a new phone just before work on Thursday. I spent more than I should of but it is nicer and has a bigger screen. It’s a few up from what mine was. It was either that or down grade, they didn’t even have the one I had so I could just replace it. I really have to buy a case and thinngs for this one. I may cry if I break it or lose it, it’s so easy to see and use compaired to any I have had in the past.

Between Thursday night and Saturday night i made all but about $12 of what I spent on it back. I hardly ever do anything for me or buy me anything so I decided this time I was.

{January 20, 2018}   Just Friends, To Broken For More


I have decided that there is nothing there more than friends with the guy I met and went out with last weekend. He is going through a really hard time dealing with things from his past and because of that we are looking for two different things. He had come over Thursday why the kids were at school and things didn’t go to well. We have still been talking and things he didn’t say to much yesterday then he messaged me this morning and called me. We talked for a little bit about the kids and things like that, he made a joke it was to deal with sex. He said I am not directing that at you just a saying this or that. I said I know. He said I have come to the conclusion or decided that isn’t ever going to happen between me and you. I didn’t say anything he went on talking.

In a little bit he asked me about Thursday if he did something wrong that upset me or offended me. I just told him no it was things I was dealing with that I thought I had dealt with already but that I was learning that I was going to have to deal with it from now on probably. That I didn’t expect to be dealing with it this soon in a relationship and that it wasn’t him I had dealt with it in the past but farther into the relationship. I had told him already Thursday evening what was going on and things. He was happy to hear it wasn’t him. But still don’t think he really understands or gets it.

But he is just to broken and it is very sad because he really cares and really just wants to find someone to love and be happy with. But he needs to really work through somethings and work on himself before he gets with someone or it isn’t going to be good. The state he is in right now if he found someone that would give him what he wants he is probably just going to be hurt again in the end because they are most likely going to take advantage of him. Because he is so caring and giving. Right now the state that he is in he we are looking for two different things. I think if he was doing better himself there could be something there. But I can’t do it where he is right now. He is looking for someone that is just in love with him from start and wants to just jump into like a ready made relationship kind of thing, like they been together for a while. I don’t want to do that and can’t with him. Because I know there is to much there that he needs to deal with and what he is wanting is pushing me into dealing with things that I can’t just jump into something like that. He thinks if he finds someone to love and to love him everything will just be okay and it won’t.

He told me about how things were with him and his ex wife and I can see where he is coming from and understand why he is in the shape he is in. Because he has never been with someone and really had a relationship. He said that when him and his ex were married she wouldn’t sleep with him, said he snored to much made him sleep in the other room. He said she wouldn’t have anything to do with him hardly ever, she tell him come on if he wanted to lets get this over with. He said she never approached him or anything like that. She was always all about her and what she wanted needed or what. He said he go in to talk to her or try to be with her she be on the phone hide it tell him to go on why was he in there and things. He said there really wasn’t any time we just lay or sit together and just talk, watch tv, sleep nothing. He said it just wasn’t that kind of relationship at all and no matter how much I did or gave her it was never enough.

You can tell when you talk to him everything is always sorry, sorry no mater what it is or if there is a reason he is always saying sorry about something. I said something to him about it, he says I just do because I feel that whatever it is isn’t good enough it should be better. I keep telling him he has to decide that if he did all he can do then it is good enough that as long as he is happy with it then it is good enough. He is one that wants everyone happy no one to be mad at him, no one to think bad of him and do everything for everyone at his expense whatever that may be.

I know how it is I use to be the same way, always keep the peace make sure everything was done and taken care of. It didn’t matter that this one or that one wasn’t doing more I make it happen it was okay we were getting by or whoever got what they needed or wanted. It didn’t matter how they treated me or what they said about me I still help them. Still make sure everyone had what they needed and was taken care of. Until I decided enough was enough and if they didn’t care about me no more than they did to treat me the way they did why did I care how they felt if I said no and didn’t help and why did I care what they thought of me because no matter what I did for them they were going to still think what they did about me and didn’t care if I was happy or needed something or I wasn’t doing for me or what I wanted to do for them. Since I have I have been much happier.

Like today he said his mom was mad because he was tired because he was up with his son all night. I said so who cares if she is? If you are talking care of him and you are not asking for their help or what then it is none of their business. As long as your kids are being taken care of and you are doing what you feel is best for your kids and you and no one is in danger or anything like that then no one has any place to say anything about what you are doing or how you do it. If you and the kids are happy that is all that matters. I said well the kids are happy and taken care of you may not be and your going to be tired and overwhelmed but that is being a parent and its still okay and don’t matter what everyone else says or think. I haven’t heard from him but I know he was dealing with all that and had to get ready to take the kids to a party he didn’t want to go to. His ex and her boyfriend are going to be there the kids were invited. He said his best friend is married to her best friend so it makes it hard.

We were talking the other day when we were out riding around something was said about working and paying bills things like that. I said how when I was trying to leave my ex could never save money because I had to take all I had and pay the rent and then ask him for any money i needed for anything the rest of the month. That when he found out I had money tucked away I had to take it all and pay the bills because he would refuse to pay anything or give me money until he knew I had spent all mine.

He looked at me funny and said you paid bills? I said yeah if I was working or had money coming in I always helped pay bills. I said I was the one who always paid them because he would spend the money if he had it. He give me his check or it go into the bank and I would pay all the bills out of it and then the money left went for whatever was needed or wanted after that. He said when I was with my ex she made 1.5 times what I made and she never paid a bill or helped with anything. He said she told me I was the guy I needed to take care of it and provide for the family it wasn’t her job.

I said no we put the money together there was no yours or mine and what needed to be paid or taken care of was taken care of any what was left we did whatever we felt like doing with it. I said even when I was with my little ones dad I paid half the rent and half the rest of the bills and helped with extra stuff that was needed and help buy food. I said with him we didn’t have a bank account together he kept his money I kept mine but we still made sure bills got paid and everyone had what was needed. I said I am sure had we stayed together we had a bank account and things together. He just looked so shocked or surprised that couples really did thing like that or what, I don’t know. Or maybe that I helped didn’t expect them to do it all and just spend mine. But I guess like he said that was how it was with him and his ex. I said you can ask so and so she knows she knows how he take my money or not give me money so that I couldn’t get out and leave. She was there and knows she knows I paid when I was with my little ones dad and that I normally have money and don’t worry about things. Because she is how I met him they are good friends too.

He knows he is dealing with things he is seeing a therapist and said he was going to be seeing someone else to try and work things out more or see what he could do. I wonder if the person he is seeing right now isn’t really helping him as much as she could be because he told me they are friends and went to school together. I hope he gets another job and insurance and is able to see someone else. That will maybe do better to help him. I want to tell him somethings but like me and my other friend that introduced us was were talking about he is really bad off right now and scared to say to much and maybe push him over the edge or to far. I was talking to her I was like please don’t tell him this stuff but you know you talk to him and I know he tells you everything but this is what is going on or went on. She said yeah she said I did not know how bad he really was, but we don’t see each other we just talk on the phone or message each other. She said he has wanted to go to lunch or meet and talk and things but I can’t do that with my husband the way he is and things. I know he is wanting more and I don’t want to go there give him the wrong idea. She said I knew he was dealing with things and talking to someone but I didn’t know it was this bad but talking to him lately and what you are saying I can see it is really bad.

Like he even said before we met up and went out he was glad that we started talking and that he hoped if nothing else we would be friends. He said I was the only one that really talked to him and understood where he was coming from and tried to help or cared. He said that he respected my input or point of view on things and that it made him think about things. I don’t mind being friend with him. If he wasn’t dealing with so much and looking for what he is looking for and was the person everyone keeps telling me he is or use to be I would have no problem dating him and seeing where things went. But he isn’t the person that everyone says he is or he use to be. He hasn’t been getting out he hasn’t been doing anything but working and taking care the the kids for a while now. He even said with dealing with everyone thing and not having time he hasn’t been hanging out he hasn’t been doing things for himself or anything. He said he needs to get back to taking care of himself again. That will go a long way for him as well. I know it has for me. Just taking the time for myself and things the last year or so now that the kids are little bigger and can stay by their self for a little bit.

I was glad today when he said he figured out or decided that there probably wouldn’t be anything between us that way. He seemed to be okay with it and just went on talking like we always have like friends. I know I didn’t come across as they described either probably but I was not comfortable with the way he was pushing for so much so fast so I kind of just shut down and was kind of short with him when we were together.


{February 28, 2017}   Just Had To Share


Still do everyday.

{December 30, 2016}   2016 Over All

I have to say all in all this year has been a pretty good year, nothing horribly bad has happened this year that just looms and shadows over everything else or makes me wish or get excited for it to be over with. Not that I am sad it is over with just neutral really. I sure can’t say it was the worse year ever because 2015 will forever and always be the worse year ever from now until I die probably. I don’t even want to think about what would have to happen for it to not be.

Yes a few things happened that sucked, some brought on by myself while others are just what life through at me. Its not like it isn’t normal shit that many other’s aren’t dealing with. As long as I stay positive and keep pushing through it will all work out and fall in place. I have to keep doing what I need to do and not let it get me down.

I think the biggest and best thing that happen this year was my divorce, I am so happy that it is done and over with. I am happy that I am not having to think about that following me around anymore. I am happy that I have had my house back this year and that I am getting things in order for me and the kids and how we want it and like it not just getting by. We had a little bump along the way but we will keep moving forward. We are use to taking the long way around when it comes to doing things. I got to spend Christmas with just me and my babies. We may have had to have some help but that’s ok just one of them curves life throws at us sometimes. God provided through great friends and some really nice strangers. They were all blessings and I pray they all have a wonderful year.

The main things that I can think of and remember happening this year that weren’t good is Father of the Year not paying and doing his part. Having to get help for Christmas and figure out how to pay bills. Having the accident I had Christmas day. Other than that I can’t think of to much bad that happen to us this year. Despite starting the year off so sick and having to have some things tested farther and checked up on.

Really I can’t wait to see what the new year holds for us. We really have had such a good year over all I pray next year is the same. I have somethings I am going to be working on for sure come the new year. I don’t know that I would call them new years resolutions or they are more like goals. I know kind of the same but resolutions people don’t seem to work as hard to make like they do when you call it a goal. I will put them in a different post later to day or Tomorrow.

I am trying to decide is it just my kids or all kids really lazy or dose it just seem they are. I have talked about this before a little but it is really starting to truly just piss me off that they flat out refuse to do anything at all and nothing I say or do to try to get them to do it seems to matter.

I think it is more the out and out disrespect they show. The disrespect to me by just ignoring me, the disrespect of the way they treat their things, the disrespect for the house over all if that makes since. They don’t care if something gets broken or damaged, they don’t care that I go out of my way to make sure they have nice things or get to do things even though money is so tight. That I do with out a lot of things or for go a lot of things so that they can have things. When they get it it’s tossed her there and everywhere to get broken or messed up. My oldest wanted an air hog helicopter for Christmas. I don’t think she has ever used it and I don’t think at this point she could use it if she wanted to because it has been thrown everywhere and broken. No I didn’t buy a top of the line one but I didn’t buy the cheapest thing they had. I understand things get broke I understand things break. But when you do not take care of them and I find them in the floor under a stack of books or the bottom of the closet there is something wrong. Oh and by the way there is a bookcase in the other room empty just about that is just hers for her books only. But where are they thrown in the floor to be stepped on or stuff spilled on them breaking other stuff. No excuse for it but just didn’t do it.

The boys I went in their room we got rid of a lot of stuff and organised the rest. They dump toy box out to find all the people or parts to go with the sets they have so then big mess of stuff just to find what they really want to play with. I got the recycled/reusable shopping bags gave them one for all the ninja turtles, one for all the Scooby Doo people and things, one for all the play tools for the tool bench and so on. Hung them on a hanger in the closet. Took the Scooby house and the castle to the other set and big things like that and put in the top on the shelf. In the toy box I put the big stuff like the big cars, things like that. Now they want to play with the cars and little guys they pick the cars they want grab the bag wit the men and play. When they are done toss the little men in the bad hang up and drop cars in the toy box. Same with the Scooby Doo or even the tools grab the bag and house play or grab the bag of tools and go play at the work bench. Hang it up when your done very simple. But they don’t do it

Simple everyday chores are a battle and still don’t get done. I have given them list made charts just tell them what ones need done nothing seems to work. I made a list of chores that need to be done let them pick the ones they wanted to do still nothing. They are very simple easy chores shouldn’t take over 10 to 20 minutes other than washing their clothes even that the real work part isn’t that long. Few minutes to put in washer few to put in drier and 10 to fold and put away. They have maybe 5 chore all together a few need done daily and the rest once a week. I don’t care if they do them all on the same day or split them up through the week just do them.

I’ve tried being stricter telling them what to do when to do it and how, given them days to have what done for weekly stuff. I just give them the list and let them know what needs done daily and what needs done weekly and let them decide when to do them during the day and week. They just don’t care. I have tried taking stuff away, rewarding for getting them done, ignoring them not being done thinking once they have no clothes to wear they would get it and start washing their clothes, or once they ran out of plates bowls for the day they would want clean stuff to eat off of. Nope they complain and ask what to do then get mad when you tell them. Other adults have told them they are lucky because there kids do a lot more chores than they do other kids have told them how lucky they are how they wish they only had to do the few things they have to do. They just don’t care, they act like they should do nothing.

Both boys birthdays are in the next 21 days of course like any kid they want parties or an outing and cake the whole to do. I really don’t want to do anything. I want to just let them go by like it’s just another day. I don’t want to get gifts because they don’t take care of their stuff.

I one wants to go to a farm and the other wants to go to a science museum that has dinosaur bones. I was already planing a farm trip for our home school stuff. The museum we have been trying to get to but haven’t so I thought about doing that. I found a place not to far from us called Dinosaur World that I think they both would love to go to. Not sure what it is really going to be like they say it is a theme park but they don’t show any rides, they don’t have food there, it says you can order pizza have it brought to the park. They have have the mining for gyms thing and but it don’t show much of anything they really have. It says it sits on 20 acres so it seems like they should have something. Been here all my life I have never heard of it and have asked around most people have never heard of it so it really makes you wonder what it’s like. I figure it will be fun for the kids whatever they have or don’t have and it will probably be a trip we don’t make buy once. But it will be fun for their birthday. That is if they clean their room and keep it that way and they start doing their chores. If not I think I will take the money and do something for myself and do nothing for their birthday this year.

They have always had to help clean up there stuff and do little things around the house here and there. It isn’t like I just woke up one day and said I think they need to do chores and they should clean the house from top to bottom scrubbing with their toothbrushes. I don’t expect much more than I ever have just pick up clean up after your self and help to a couple things around the house since your part of the family and live here too. At least act like you care you have a place to live, food to eat and nice things. Just like the brand new bed I got the boys they have had for 6 months or so that is broken now. All because they were playing and being ruff on it. I should take their birthday money and fix the bed.

I’m just at a loss with them and what to do. It seems that nothing I try bothers them in the least. I don’t understand how nothing at all seems to matter to them.

I can say ok I’m going to do everything myself but their rooms and they still won’t even pick up the room enough that things aren’t getting broken and you can at least walk through it. The rest of the house they spill things drop things leave things laying all over. I clean one room go clean another and by the time I am done and go back to the first one it is worse than when I started and they walk off. I told the therepest today I am ready to take my little one pack our stuff and leave. Tell father of the year come back over here he wants them he can come over here and they can have the house they all can live here in the mess together. He is no help they cry to him they have to do chores I hear how it isn’t right they are kids, I shuuld easy up on them but then when he is here he has a shit fit that they are lazy and I don’t make them do anything and all about what they need to be doing. But he don’t make them or if he dose try to make them he talks to them like they are dogs and treats them like trash. But at this point I am don’t care because they act like nothing I say or want matters and like they can do whatever they want. Let them all be here together and figure it all out on their own. If I had somewhere to go I would probably do just that for about a month. Let father of the year figure out a babysitter, school, cooking, cleaning and getting the kids to their appointments and where they need to go. All while trying to work 6 days around the clock. And not give him any help paying for any of the bills child care clothes or anything else. See how he likes it. But if I did that I would lose my house because he wouldn’t pay the bills then I would have to move and I can’t do that right now.

{February 16, 2015}   What’s one my mind

My eyes have been opened to a lot this last week while taking care of things for my dad. I have sat down and started writing 3 or 4 times over the last week about a lot of different things that have been on my mind but I just can’t stay focused or on track. They just get saved as drafts that maybe some day I will be able to finish when I am in a better place. Some of it isn’t a big deal some of it I feel is very wrong. But that is all another post. Because to be honest I still don’t feel like writing.

But I went and picked my dads ashes up Thursday and the copies of the death certificates. They also gave us the papers the obituary is in.

I don’t know why I did it but I read the death certificate. I know I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t thinking about it I never seen one I just took it out to see what all was on it and things. I knew the cause of death would be on it but I already knew that. It was cancer.

What I didn’t know is that it wasn’t cancer. The cancer caused all the problems but wan’t listed as the cause. Now I keep going over the cause over and over in my mind and what it means and what happened. From there I keep seeing all that happen that day when everything started happening. Then I start to wonder if moving him prolonged things and if he suffered more because of it and it just snowballs from there. Into why didn’t I go the day before and see him. Why it happened when it did.

I think about how we haven’t been to church in close to two years and we went for the first time last Sunday. We left from church to see my dad and this happen. I am surprised the kids have not thought of it. If they have they have not said anything about it. I don’t think it is a bad thing I don’t really know how to think of it or look at it. Nothing just happens everything happens for a reason, everything happens the way it dose for a reason. I am glad the kids haven’t thought of it or said anything about it. All they have talked about is how much they like that church and asked every day what day it is how many more until they can go back. They were so excited today that we could finally go back.

Then the ashes, picking out the urn I had to make sure it would be the right size since I didn’t order it from the place. I got one that said it would hold someone almost twice his size. I know someone said they got one that was for their persons size it was to small. I looked on the site it told how to decided. One whatever they means it will hold one pound. I figure like anything you figure it is going to be off by a little. Then you have to ad in the casket as well. So this one said it was 1.89 I think and they said he was just under 100 lbs weeks before he passed. I remembered someone saying how the ashes were heavier than they expected. All I thought about all day is they are going to be heavier I didn’t want to drop it or something not expecting it. But when they gave it back to me I was really surprised how heave it was and how full it feels. They had him in something before I got there and then when I came to pick him up I gave them the urn we got and they put him in that for me. I didn’t see what he was in before or them put him in it. So then I wonder did all of him fit in it? If he hadn’t would they have told me? Or just do away with them? I know they aren’t supposed to but still you never know.

This is what is on my mind and keeps going around and around over and over again. Its been a week and it just don’t seem real even with thinking about all that all the time. I look at my baby girl and think how she isn’t going to even remember her grandpa. I don’t even know if I have pictures of them together or not. I think about how much they meant to him and how much he is missing. I think about…………….

{January 12, 2015}   What The Weekend Held

I have had my share of bad news and bad things happening for the year and we are only 12 days into it. What do they say what your doing for the new year is what you’ll be doing for the rest of the year? Or something like that. Not looking forward to that if there is any truth to it.

Saturday me and the kids got up went got the part for the truck, picked up a order we had at the store and returned a computer that needed to go back. I got them each a lunch-able and we headed to my dads to get the jack so the truck could be fixed. My dad came home with us to have dinner. The kids were excited about that.

No sooner than we got home hardly my brother came busting in not knocking or anything oh there you are. The lady next to us said she thought you left with her. Asking if we got the jack he knew we did he told us we could use it. I thought it might have gotten stolen. Why would you leave it where that could happen number one and if you told us we could use it and my dad isn’t there then that is probably where it is number two. You live 20 miles or more a way and you drive down here instead of picking up your phone and calling either of us when you have both numbers. Oh and he said he was working in the areas when my dad just said he was in the next county over doing something.

Then he started asking my dad if he wanted to go home. He said he would ride with him save me the trip. I told him I could take him home whenever he wanted it wasn’t a big deal. My brother said something about staying the night. I told him I had no problem with him staying I had no problem with taking him home when he was ready that night the next day. He said he was just going to ride back with him. I think he was tired and a little bothered by the kids because he was tired and they were playing. My brother had him out the last two days running around too so that probably didn’t help.

They left and my friend J and her husband was on their way over. He was fixing the truck and I told them I would make dinner because it would take him a little while to do it and it would be dinner time.

The boys were going in and out playing when my dad was here. He was sitting outside I had the dog tied up and the pups put up in the little play house. He left my little guy asked if he could go out and play I still had the door open and told him yes. Well I looked in a minute he was gone. I heard him in the back yard and people talking. I thought it was the little boy down the street his is the only one allowed to come over jump not ask me. I don’t let the other kids on it because the way they have done and acted in the past to my oldest. I called him he came around said I got new friends mom look they help me on the trampoline. I looked it was the other kids from around. They were nice and polite and things to me I told him he could go ahead and play. I told my older son to go play too. Figured we try again its been a long time since they tried to make friends before. They all played together for a while.

My little bitty wanted to go out so I took her out. I been going back and forth checking on them and watching them through the window. Me and her walked back there for a little while watched them. She wanted to get on I told her later. She walked off to the carport to look at the pups in her house. I walked around to see what she was doing. In a minute I hear crying wasn’t sure who it was at first. I get back there it’s my little guy he is on the trampoline one of the kids is holding him wiping his face and trying to make him feel better see if he is ok. I go to see what happen. Someone didn’t zip the net when they got in or out and he hit it and fell out. The thing sits higher than my waste he hit the ground.

I had him move his arm all around and wiggle it and things it seem ok. He wanted to go in. I figured it hurt it was a hard fall he is little didn’t blame him for wanting to go in. Well about that time my friend J and her hubby came up. She went in and looked at it and checked him all out said same thing he seemed ok probably just hit hard just hurts. He went to his room I figured to watch tv lay down.

Me and her were going to the store to grab some things. The boys were going to stay her why her husband worked on the truck. Something told me check him before we went i hadn’t heard or seen him in about 15 minutes. Figured he fell a sleep. I open the door he was laying on his bed no tv nothing crying. I walked over to him talk to him. He say mommy my arm it hurts bad I can’t move it. I looked at it again now it had huge knot swelled out on the side by the elbow.

I told my friend J I had take him get looked at. She kept kids and made dinner. We went over to the hospital I go to most the time they looked at it said no food nothing to drink and had x ray in there no sooner than me could get in the room good. They had to move it around and take two x rays he screamed he was in so much pain.  I felt so bad for him. The doctor came and got me had a lady waiting to go in the room next to us to do lab work sit in and talk to him why we talked. He took me to the nurses station and showed me the x ray and where it was broke and things. She said we can’t touch it he needs a kids orthapedest to take care of it. We are making arrangments to transfer you out. We will have to send you to a hospital that was about 4 towns over, Arnold Palmer for women and children or Nemours. I said send him to Nemours. He said ok. I asked him to please give him something for the pain that he was in a lot had been for a little bit now and they been moving it around. He said ok.

The one has a peds ward but they handle mostly adults and have mostly adults doctors there. Arnold Palmer I have only ever been to once in my life and had never been treated so bad in my life. I refuse to give them any more money or go there again.

They gave him shot of morphine I was surprised as little as he is. But it worked he was lot happier and talking to everyone. All the ladies were coming in talking to him and things. They went to the lab and brought him a ton of stickers after his shot.

They told him he got to ride in a ambulance he was trilled. They got there to pick him up. They came with the stretcher he said are you my ambulance? He just talked and talk to them. They told him when we got out of town a way from everyone they would turn on the lights and things for him. The poor little guy fell a sleep before we were even a 1/4 of the way there. I figured he be upset he missed that part but he wasn’t.

We had to be seen at their er so they could decide how they needed to treat him. They weren’t busy at all a few were coming in and talking to him and things. One of the guys came in asked him if he liked restling I told him he didn’t really know what that was. He asked him if he liked ninja turtles he said yes. He left and came back in a few minutes gave him a talking turtle action figure. You push the button on his back he moves his arms talks. It was the blue one made it even better. He couldn’t wait for me to get it out of the box.

The doctor came in said they took our cd with the x ray on it to the x ray department he was waiting to see them. He said if it wasn’t to bad they could give him something that would make him kind of like he was sleep but he seem like he was awake maybe and set it right there in the er. But if it was to bad they would have to take him to the or put him under and take care of it. He left and came back in just a few minutes and said I am finding him some food and something to drink he is going for surgery first thing in the morning. He can’t eat or drink after 12am. It was already 10 pm. He hadn’t had anything since about 2 or 3 we were getting ready to make dinner when this happen.

They took us up to his room on the 4 th floor. We have never been there but it is a very nice hospital all the newest stuff and any kind of doctor the kids need to see are right there. When he got to his room they told him he could change the light to make it the color he wanted so he made it blue. The room was all lit up blue. They have a bunch of movies on the tv already they don’t have to have a dvd player or ask them to put one on. You just his a button that says movies and it pulls them all up. He spent most his time watching movies. I think he liked it better than netflix.

They would come in and talk to us and they would tell us about his or that and then ask if I had any questions. I ask them whatever or say no, then I would ask him do you have any questions you want to ask. He looked at a couple of them and said I have one. They ask what he say what you think I’m going to be when I grow up? He even asked the surgeon when he came in.

The surgeon said he broke the elbow it was bent the opposite way than it should have been. He said the good thing was that he didn’t damage the nerves, mussels or blood vessels or artery. He could still move, feel, and had color to his fingers. He said he was going to go in bend it back the way it should be and put two to three pins in it then a cast. He said the pins would go through the skin they would take them out once he healed. They wouldn’t be something he would have to have the rest of his life to worry about. I was glad about that but probably something that will still always give him trouble at times.

He said they were set to start at 8 and that it would take about 30 to 40 minutes. They took us down gave him something to calm him down so he wouldn’t be scared when they took him back and we didn’t go. They called me from the OR and said that they were starting. It was 8:24 by 8:48 the doctor was standing in front of us telling us he only had to put two pins in and they had the cast on. That he didn’t have to split the cast so he didn’t have to come back for three weeks. He said that when we go back they will do a x ray before we see him and then we will see him. He said it should be healed they should be able to take the cast off and pull the pins right there in his office. Scary thinking they are going to pull the pins out in office. I don’t know if they give them any thing for pain or not but I hope they do because if they are through the skin and in the bone all healing around them. I think that would be really painful to take out. I guess we will see. He told us what to watch for and to take him to our hospital if any of them happen. He said any of the doctors over there should be more than ok to handle any of them. He told us what to watch for and when to call him and come back and see him as well. I really liked him he was really nice seemed to really know his stuff and to care. He didn’t seem like it was a bother he was there on a Sunday to do this and to take care of him or anything it was just like it was any other day to him.

He said they wouldn’t call us back until he woke up but said it shouldn’t take long. It was about another 20 or 30 minutes before they came and got us. We didn’t even get to where we could see him and I could hear him upset and crying. I thought because we weren’t there but when we got to him it was because he was in so much pain. He was in a panic and so upset. His blood presure was through the roof he was screaming at them to take his cast off and begging me to take it off. They said they gave him something for the pain. They were getting a hold of whoever they had to get a hold of to get him something else. Whatever they gave him it seem like they just gave him candy he act as if he had nothing. I think the anesthesiologist ended up giving them something to give him because it was so bad and it was taking so long. Because when we were being taken out to go back to his room one of them said something about something being on the cart. The other said that’s that med I have to trash and record. I think it was what came up after they gave him something. I know he had to of scared the little girl next to us to death. He was the first of the day she was next.

We ended up being there until about 7 last night. They had to watch him to make sure he went to the bathroom, eat and keep his food and drinks down and then give him meds by mouth for pain and able to keep them down. He did good once he woke back up from the meds they gave him down stairs.

It was so sweet the doctor told us before we went down what he was going to do and said something about making him go to sleep. He got upset and said but I don’t want to go to sleep it’s day time. When they gave him the dilaudid because the other pain med didn’t work it knocked him out. When they got him back up to his room they took the stretcher into his room pushed it up to his bed and the two ladies asked father of the year if he could help them move him over to his bed. They din’t want to bump his arm. They started pick him up said we are going to move you. He got mad said I’m trying to sleep. Went right back to sleep before they got him moved that fast. After being so worried about having to go to sleep and it being morning. They would say something about his fingers and he would tell them I only have 4 fingers and then a thumb.

We got his pain meds and they are supposed to last him for 6 hours he can’t have any more at all til 6 hours. About 3 hours after giving it to him he was crying in pain begging for more for me to take him to the doctor. They told me I could give tylenol first tomorrow and if it didn’t help them give him the stronger pain med. But the stronger one isn’t lasting as it is. They said the two could be given together so when he started crying and I could tell he was really in a lot of pain I gave him tylenol to help till I could give him the other again. But I didn’t like doing that and didn’t know if it was good to do to much. This morning again it wasn’t no time he was hurting and crying. Telling me I want to go to my doctor. I got them ready and took him. She said he was about the 4 th one she had seen in the last month they operate on and send home with the same stuff. She said it don’t work. I have to give something else. She said I am going to give you tylenol with codeine for him. I told her it was time for him to have the other in just a few minutes. She said take it go right there get it filled and give him it not the other. We went to one of the stores we always use and they told me it be a 2 hour wait or more. I said I need this right a way to give as soon as I get it is there any way you can get it filled for him. The guy said no we are doing other stuff and shots. I said ok give it back. He looked like he couldn’t believe I was making him give it back. I said I can’t wait two hours I am not letting him sit in that kind of pain for two hours or more.

I took it across the street to this little discount place that has open up they got it for him in just a few minutes. I didn’t think they were going to give it to me because I forgot my id at home. I told her look he is 4 he broke his elbow he just got out of surgery yesterday he is in a lot of pain and they had to change him to this. We just got it from the doctors she wants him to have it right a way not the other. She looked seen it was for a kid and not that much and they filled it. She only gave him 10 tsp of it. Not like there a lot I could do with that really. I took it right out and gave it to him before we left. That was at 3 and I just had to give him more at 10. So it lasted him 7 hours. He can have every 6 to 8. He did ask once around 8 he had another hour before he could have it. I told him he needed wait a little longer he went back and laid on the couch. I could tell it wasn’t to bad because he wasn’t crying and didn’t come back in just a minute. I think it he was just starting to feel it some. I kind of forgot I had got busy he came back this time a little upset and saying it really hurt he needed his meds now. By that point he made it to the 7 hour point I gave him some.

They say the pain should be gone by tomorrow or Wednesday. I hope it is because it isn’t really the cast bothering him as the pain is. I think if the pain goes a way he will be ok. We told him what a tough little guy he was how his cast made him look tough. The kids want to sign it and things for him. I asked him if I could be the first to sign it when he wasn’t hurting he said no he didn’t want anyone too. He might change his mind. It’s blue so he don’t want them to mess it up. I told him he could tell the doctor what color he wanted. I don’t think he believed me. I said he wants a blue cast they said oh ok we can do that. he came out seen it they had pain under control he was showing us all.

But I am sure it is going to be a long three weeks. Then I got the call that it wasn’t the part we thought on my truck it is the cooler itself that is broke so I need it too. It is a $160 part. I am not putting that kind of money into it at this point. Not when I am getting something different in a month or so. I can drive my dads for now. He don’t need it he can’t drive and if it isn’t at his house he can’t get in it and go any way. He been wanting too.

So that catches everything up I think for the most part. We shall see what tomorrow holds for us.


{January 10, 2014}   Broken

I am so sick of hearing my kids broke this and that all the time. Anytime something comes up broke they did it because she seen them look at it once. Then she wants it replaced. There is a list of stuff waiting to be replaced because I haven’t had $1 to buy hardly anything since she said we could stay here. Calls herself “helping” us out. All though we are the ones who have been paying for everything since we came here. All the light bill all the water bill rent every roll of toilet paper paper towels cleaning stuff and about 98% of the food.

My sister and her family lived with her for two years no one working paying nothing, she bought everything down to baby diapers and paid everything.

She tells me they let their dog put whole in the couch she did/said nothing about. Then bullies my son into saying he put one in it when i know he didn’t and insist on us having the cushion redone. To night says something about owing her a new couch. Um hello no I will have the cushion fixed that’s it. She has even let my sister take it and use it as we speak because she don’t have one and my grandma brought hers when she came. She gives it to them and don’t get it back not my fault but I’m not getting her a new couch.

Tonight they went to play a DVD father of the year hooks it up it don’t work. About two or three weeks ago I got Netflix so the kids haven’t been using the DVD player. So first thing it was they broke it we have to buy her a new one blah blah blah. Then she says that’s why they haven’t ask to watch any moves because they broke it and they know it. They didn’t want to tell anyone and get in trouble there a list of things they already broke. No they aren’t using it because they got Netflix and would rather watch it. Besides the couple movies they have here to watch in it they can probably get on Netflix.

It just aggravates me to no end. I even said to her my kids go to everyone house spend the night at others house go to parties play dates and everything else and nothing ever gets broke but because they are in your house if something gets broke they done it. It couldn’t possibly just brake or stop working because that’s what things do. Or because they sat in storage for years not being used and in the heat cold and whatever else may have gotten to it. She didn’t say anything just something about they are let to run free and left gasp in the living room alone to watch tv or play why I am in the other room doing something. What kid isn’t allowed to be in the living room or bedroom alone to play why the parents are in the house doing other stuff. Gee they are 8 and 3. It isn’t like I am down the street outside or sleeping. I am changing the baby using the bathroom cooking dinner looking across the big open bar at them. No parent sits on top of their kids watching them every second of every day. And yes at my house I will take the two little ones and take a nap and let the two older ones 8 and 10 stay up and watch tv read do crafts or just play. they are not allowed to cut anything with anything use the stove or microwave. they can get them self a drink if they need it and some chips or cookies something like that. I am right there on the other side of the wall and can hear them. They are also not allowed to answer the door or go outside for anything. If someone comes to the door they are not to even look out they are to just ignore it and let them knock.

Some nights when it is Friday or Saturday and they are out of school I will let them stay up and watch movies and play games and things until they get ready to go to bed. My kids are good kids they don’t get into a lot of trouble. The trouble they do get into isn’t major stuff it is stupid stuff like not cleaning their rooms. Not getting into stuff or breaking stuff or fighting with each other all the time. Not that they don’t fight with each other but it isn’t bad. normal kid stuff. They get up really early and go to bed by 7/8 most nights. They get to get up go to school come home do more school work get a bath and go to bed. Not a lot of time to do other things. So on the weekend if they have been good I don’t mind of they lay around the living room or family room with pillows and blankets and watch movies til they fall a sleep. But I hear what a horrible parent I am for doing things like that too. To me they are 8 and 10 they should be given a little bit of trust. If they don’t blow it then they can gain a little more down the road. They know if they do something they will lose more than just not staying up. They know I trust them and that is why they get to do somethings and that if they break that there is no more it will take a while to get it back.

et cetera
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