I have had this dream house in mind for years, I feel it would work great for me and the kids. Everyone laughs and thinks it would be huge. I think it would be around the size of most average size houses around now days. Back few years ago it may have been a little big compared to most houses but now houses are no less than 3/4 bedrooms two bathrooms then all the other extra rooms. I want simple what we need to the point that is it really, but i want it to be usable space. Not so small you can’t do anything in them.

I want three floors The first will be a big open living space, kitchen, dinning, living area that opens to a nice big porch. I will have a library and guest bedroom and a bathroom down there as well.

The second floor will be the kids floor, it will have 4 bedrooms and two bathrooms. The bathrooms will be in between each set of bedrooms. I want the laundry room up there as well just makes it easier than dragging everything up and down the stairs and through the house.  Either end will have a room one for the older kids one for the younger kids or just rooms for them to hangout with their friends.

The 3rd floor will be mine, I will have my room and bathroom up there.

I want each floor to have a wrap around porch so that you can come out of any of the bedrooms and walk out onto the porch.

Ideally it will be secluded with trees and paths and all that kind of thing around. I don’t want to be right on top of everyone around me. We will have a barn and animals as well.

I don’t know if I will ever get my dream house or if it will change once I get to that point since my kids are all getting older now and I will only have two in the house another 2 or 3 years. Who knows they may stay longer and I will need room for all the grand kids they are talking about having right?


{October 3, 2019}   Time to Make Plans & Take A Leap

I haven’t written a lot lately I have just been in a weird state of mind I guess you could call it. You ever been in one of those states where something just seems off or not right? Restless I have been feeling really restless lately that is the word I’m looking for.

I was worried about finding a 2nd job and then learning the job and keeping it. Getting everyone use to the changes and being there with them when I am off. I feel like I settled in and moved right to I’m missing my babies, I love my jobs but this isn’t working we need a change all in a meter of minutes. Because I look ahead and see no change in the future because everything is just going to go up and up and pay is staying the same. I was thinking even if I ended up at my night job full time for the money I am making now it isn’t going to last because it won’t be long before it isn’t enough and I still won’t be home with the kids at night it would be 2 or 3 pm until 12 like it is now and every other Saturday 4 hours.

I have had the conversation me and J had last in my head. When she called and told me she moved and has a place with property and at a decent price. Her saying how happy she is and how glad she is they made the move how much better life is and that they are living and having a life  not just existing like they did here.

I have been wanting to go see her and check it out. Been thinking about wanting to move and having the money and things. I have decided to start checking into the USDA loans and looking at property and houses. I have decided to start making plans and working on moving. I am going to apply for the loan, look up properties I would like to check out and I am going to check into building a house. I would rather build than buy but kind of decided that wasn’t going to happen. But since I have been thinking about doing all this I figured what the hell why half do it, if I can do it I may as well build what I want vs. buying one.

So I have been looking at tracks of land. It’s up in the air if I can get as much as I want but I think I can get maybe half of that. If I buy in the right area I could probably buy more over the years. but even with half I should still have enough for what I want to do. I still have to get an agent and talk to them see how much a can get a loan for, if I want to do owner finance or get the loan or another mortgage. Mostly see what options are out there the best route to go and then decide from there. I am trying to see where I want to be so I can go check the area out.

I have shot myself in the foot I dropped my credit score over 170 points in the last month. I messed up with my school loans and they hit my credit the other day. I could of cried. I went from a few points away from a 600 to under 500. I figured it out last night called and fixed it so they don’t hit again. So that will start showing good again. But I am sure it will take a while to get it back up there where it should be or needs to be. But I have a little bit so I hope they will work with me or someone will.

Worse case I will just rent or buy something with a trailer on it and live in it for a little bit then have a house built or sell and move somewhere else and have one built or have one built and rent that out. That is a bridge to cross if we come to that not worried about it right now.

I have also been looking at jobs in the areas too. I want to start applying for jobs in the area we are looking at about a month before we are ready to move. That way I can hopefully go with a job. But if I can get something as cheap as my friend I can just about pay my bills with what I will have coming in. I can stay with my friend for a month or two if I need to. If I end up being able to build I will probably have that started and done before we go or maybe see if I can get a camper or something and put in her yard for a few months and just pay her. It will help her and save me money. She has room we could stay inside but I want us to have somewhere we can go give them a break and us not be right on top of each other all the time if it is going to be a few months or put it on our property if we are having something built. Would just rather the kids be by them if I am working until we in a house or something more than a camper.

But like I said things are still in the be gaining stages and pretty much just thoughts right now. I am just starting to put thoughts into motion to see what becomes of them. Other than that I have just been busier than normal at both jobs lately. I am going to try and be around more this coming week.

When I was finishing my post about friends I had this thought. It has been on my mind all night and this morning.

Am I looking for someone to grow with or am I looking for someone to fix? 

To me someone to grow with is someone wanting the same things in life as you or close to. This way you can make those things happen together. Your not going to be perfect they aren’t either, your both going to have your “issues” or what but you are willing to help each other out. Be understanding and support.

Someone to fix is like Just Friends, To Broken For More

They have no goals, they aren’t happy in life they feel they have to have someone in life in order to be happy or do anything.

Or some one who can’t keep a job, drinks to much, someone who is abusive or cocky rude, who has a drug problem  spends their day doing what they have to in order to get it. Someone who has nothing and no ambition to have anything.

This is what I think of when I think of someone who needs “fixed”

When I was writing that post I was saying how my “friend” was finally doing something in his life and not just going through his day. He was doing something before but there were a few things I kind if had issues with that he was fine with. They weren’t bad or anything really wrong with it if he was happy okay. I just didn’t get how he was happy but everyone is different. I could of lived with it I wasn’t a big deal. But we just weren’t wanting the same things in a lot of areas. I don’t see it working out between us.

I was thinking about my old friend and Sleeping Beauty and where they are what they are doing or what in life. My old friend I don’t see growing with him even though we want a lot of the same things. But mostly because he don’t want kids involved.

I thought about Sleeping Beauty and my friend J saying to me all the time, you can’t fix him! Leave him alone. My friend at the hair shop saying you can’t fix him.

I keep saying I know and that I’m not trying to. Because in my mind I’m really not. When I thought about him I gotten to really know him. We had fun together, we could just sit and talk together lift each other up when we were down dealing with shit. We help each other out if we needed it, take the kids and do things or he do things here with them. We wanted a lot of the same things in life. Where we were each lacking I felt we filled in the gaps pretty well or could. He works and wants to work he wants the family and all that. He understood i had the kids they come first he felt they should.

Yes he has his problem but it isn’t a all day everyday thing. He can go without it and be fine. I know when he turns to it and does it. It was something we would of had to talk about. He have to be willing to stay away from it. I know he wants to but the hurdles and things he faces with it. I know I can’t make him stop or fix everything for him. Fix that for him. But the desire to stop have better and do better is there. I was willing to be there for him, beside him as support as he done it. Because I know I can’t do it for him or force him to. But I believe in the right situation with people who really care he could and would do it. I was prepared if he didn’t or couldn’t to step back and get out of it. Why I would of waited a while to bring the kids into it even though they know him.

But writing my post yesterday them saying you can’t fix him hit me. I thought was I trying to fix him? Like I said I felt we really messed and could grow together from where we each were. Yes he had this to work on he would have to figure that out and do that.

Then I started thinking so if they consider him needing “fixed” because of where he is what he has don’t have and his issue. I am okay with a lot of things if they want more and are trying to have more. So am I looking for someone to fix and not grow with?


{March 20, 2019}   Strong Women

I shared this last year on my facebook. Not sure if I shared it here or not but felt it needed shared.

What are your thoughts?

Well last night now I guess since it is after 2 a.m. The other day I told you how me and Sleeping Beauty had been talking again and he is supposes to go to the fair with me and the kids.

Well Friday we were talking off and on about this and that like we always do. I said something about being sore and tired. He said he would give me a good massage but something may happen. I said something he said a happy ending. I said one of those we were warned about. He said something about me liking it or something. I just made a smerk like face. He said what talk to me?. Didn’t say anything. He said what if I was giving you a massage you wouldn’t let it happen? I said. No, swapping massages was one thing but sex was another. That he knew i was looking for more than that. He said i know. I said seems to be all anyone is looking for anymore no one knows what a real relationship is. He said I do. I said me to. So what are you trying to say? I haven’t heard a word back. I messaged a few more times that nigh then yesterday. He has read it but no response. I called left a message when i got off told him i wanted to talk about Tuesday’s plans. Still nothing.

Today I have been thinking about this it how it is all the time. We talk the conversation turns into something else all of a sudden I don’t hear from him again. Then it is as if nothing was said. We make plans or start to then don’t hear from him. I was talking to bff today she like he scared of his feelings. I said yep thinking samething. She said he don’t know what to say or do scared of what is going to happen. I thought about it all evening making dinner and things. I sat down and wrote him a message and sent him. It hasn’t been read yet but it was late by the time I was able to start it then I read it change it read change until i finally just stop and sent it. It kind of long but like I told him not something i wanted to say or do on the phone or text but looks like only way its going to happen.

This is what I said……………….

What is going on with you? We talk everything is fine then the conversation comes around to something like the other night and you disappear and I don’t hear from you for days weeks. Then its as if nothing was ever said until something comes up again. Or you say lets do something and then back out or have an excuse or again I don’t hear from you.

You hint around and make comments, when you know what I am looking for and want. But you don’t say more. Then tell me to talk to you. I don’t know what you want me to say or you are looking to hear.

I honestly don’t think sex is all your looking for, but I don’t know why you won’t say what you are. Other than I think someone has gotten through your high ass thick walls as you say and your scared to admit it.

Scared to let someone in again, scared of getting close, scared of getting hurt. Scared of being the first to really say it and put it out there and of being rejected and losing or messing up a friendship.

I don’t know, I have wanted to talk to you for awhile and planned to the few times you said lets go to the beach or take off lets go out. Then you back out. This is not a conversation I wanted to have on the phone or in text. But it seems the only way it is going to be had. Unless I really hunt you down and cuff you 😜.

I am just done I don’t want to beat around the bush and hint around or whatever anymore.

So I will be the one to put it out there and risk being rejected, ignored and hurt.

I have told you, you’re my friend and I care about you. Honestly I care about you more than friends and have for awhile. I care about you the person, not what you can give me or do for me or anything like that. I want you for you, to spend time with, do things together, to work with and grow with to make eachother better and have better.

Like I said this is something I have thought long and hard about and picked apart and tried to find any and every reason not to and even figured when you stopped talking a few times feelings would change. But they haven’t. I couldn’t figure out why I fought it so much but I have because I am scared too. Someone got through my wall. Now I can keep fighting it and trying to ignore it or I can let them in. I have decided that it’s worth the risk of being hurt again and to let them in and see what happens.

There was more I wanted to say but it was already long enough so I left it at that. It was around 11 when I sent it so I figure he was sleeping. I didn’t know until the other day he is going to work an hour or two earlier than before. So between time to get ready and the drive he is getting up pretty early. He goes to bed around 9.

I figure he will get it in the morning when he gets up. I really don’t know if thats a good or bad thing. I really hoped to get it to him before he fell a sleep. But it was so late when I got started. I knew if I did not send it tonight I would probably back out. I want it out there once and for all. Now I can’t sleep and I have work in the morning and kids to get to school. It is going to be on my mind until he replies and if he don’t, I don’t know how I am going to feel.

I got this off of

I read this and all I could think is yes this is so me. It’s what I have been saying all along.

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{August 5, 2018}   Figure it All Out Soon

I told Bff that an Old Friend hit me up last night and wants me to come see him when I get off work tonight. The short fling I had awhile back. He wanted me to go out on the boat with him today but I have to work so I couldn’t.

She responds back with… need to figure it all soon girl. And settle on the one you see a future with.

I said none so far. She said oh boy.

Like I told her my “friend” is a good guy but he is just into and wanting things I am not and not really willing to do.

My Old Friend is a good guy but he isn’t looking for anything but to hangout. If you seen us together you think we were together, but we aren’t. I enjoy hanging out with him I have fun. We joke, dance, darts cards go out whatever. But I just don’t see a long term with him. He wants to keep kids out of everything all together. That just isn’t do able. My kids are just to young. I don’t want to be pulled between them. I don’t want to have to always be balancing my time between them. I want to do things together. Not right away but like I said before once we been together awhile things are going good. He just wants to see what happens where or if it goes somewhere. Just have fun.

Then there is Sleeping Beauty, I can see a future with him, i can see having something with him and it lasting. But I don’t know he isn’t ready for that I don’t think. He said he wasn’t looking didn’t want anything a few months ago. Then few weeks ago he was making comments again. But then he comes out of the blue with his ex and doing things with her. He isn’t over her, I don’t want to be with someone that isn’t over their ex. Because her popping in and out them talking would not work. Wow I am surprised I just said that. Because I am pretty okay whatever when it comes to guys and who they talk to. I talk to some of my ex’s and things. I typed not even thinking about what I was typing.

But anyway I have not talk to him since I asked him what she wanted or needed from him. I do not think that is why I have not heard from him but who knows. We will go awhile and not talk then talk all the time again. Like me and my good friend. It is odd. But I guess it isn’t either so I don’t know. He knows i tell him like it is and he knows its true and the things he needs to do. But you know how it is when you know it but don’t want to hear it from some one else. You kind of back off from that person. I think that is what he does. I ask him is he mad or if I did something he always has said no. He has never said anything wrong or gotten nasty with me other thN the one time. When he was staying here then went to his moms the way he did. He said somethings then. Thats the only time.

Other than them 3 I have talked to the different guys but I haven’t been interested in anything with them.

So it isn’t that simple and easy to just pick one. It is not like any one of them is a perfect match no one ever will be. But only the one is really one I feel is close to being what I would be happy with. Then he is dealing with his own issues. That is great because he needs to and to be happy. It sucks for me but it is what it is.

I told Bff tonight maybe I am being shown something. Maybe all these young ones talking to me and things is a sighn. Maybe I am supposed to just get me a young one and just have some fun for awhile. Then worry about more later. She was like oh boy.

{July 31, 2018}   Just Two Unloved People

Am I attracted to Sleeping Beauty because he feels safe? Because we are just two broken people who understand eachother two people who no one cares about or loves? Since we are both in the same boat then we can make things better for eachother? Since no one loves us we can just love eachother and everything will be okay. Am i scared that if I get with someone else then they will see how broken I really am and run away? Because I am not perfect for them? Or because so many don’t understand mental health and there is such a stigma around it? Because I know I am good enough but I also know I am not perfect and that I have struggles. I can do it on my own but I don’t want to and it be a lot easier on my mentally to have that help. Are they going to look down on me for that? Are they going to not see that it isn’t just me not wanting to do it or not doing it but that I am functioning as best as I can and sometimes I need that extra help. Or are they going to look at me as the bed mother, horrible person and unlovable or not worth putting time into leave like the rest. Are they going to think that they can do as they want and treat me any ol way and I won’t say anything because I won’t want them to leave? Like father of the year did?

I just want to be happy and loved I just want someone to take the time to really get to know me, ask questions and understand. Don’t look at me different or hold something against me when I tell you. I ask questions and listen to understand not to relpy. I do not look at people different or hold things against them when they tell me. I want to know to truely understand them and to know them, where they are coming from, why they do the things they do and are the way they are. But I find not many people are that way. If they do ask they are asking for other reasons and then hold it against you or feel your saying it to be mean or vindictive.

If seems that if they aren’t then they are scared and dance around things or avoid them or pick you apart and hold things against you even when they know it is not true just so in their mind they have a reason to keep you at arms length. They know they know it isn’t what it seems but they still use it. I don’t know im rambling now I know.

I just thought of it last night and this morning the way I been feeling. Of course I been thinking about it since. A fleeting thought I get stuck on. Again its like why him if that is the case and not anyone else. Why him why can’t i just feel that way about whatever random person that comes along that talks to me or tries? But again I think because we have gotten to know eachother outside of anything more than friends. Bff brought him up the other day and was talking about him. I said something about he been okay but not great and us talking. She said I think from everyone around and everyone who knows him and has known him you know him better than anyone. She said I think he opens up to you more than anyone you really are that one person that even though he fucked up is stilk there and not caused him problems, not started shit with him, not pulling him into stiff that he shouldn’t be in and tries to help him stay right and cares. She said I think he does care but he is scared and still dealing with a lot. Like I told her he is dealing with a lot amd he is scared and he has gotten away from a lot of problems and the people who causes them or helps him get into them. But a few keep popping in and he don’t need that. He needs to deal with his stuff like he has been and keep moving foward. Regardless of what is or isn’t between us we are friends and I would rather stay friends than have more and have something happen til we don’t talk at all. But I would consider more with him.

{July 29, 2018}   Picking Them Apart

I have not talk to my “friend” or Sleeping Beauty in days, and I am okay with that, for the most part.

As you know I have really been thinking about the nitty gritty, tiny details between the two and how to handle it or what I want to do.

I really like my “friend” and I do have feelings for him and think he is a great guy. But I don’t know that he is the one. I have been picking him apart with a fine tooth comb because I thought I was going to go over and talk to him about all this the other night. Figure we will probably get together this week or tonight and talk. I want to be ready. Just to make sure we cover things that should really be covered. I have a reason not just that I am interested in someone else is why I am not interested in him if it comes down to it.

There are just things that we are not on the same page on. They are things that can’t really be overlooked or compromised on. I mean they could but then one of us are not going to be happy and it not going to work well. He is Pagan I’m not, when it comes to sex we are not looking for the samething in the long term, he says he don’t want a baby but he is to oh its okay it won’t happen free with taking chances. I really do not know how him and the kids are going to mesh. He is great with his daughter and things but his personality I don’t know that they would mesh well or really fall into really having a relationship. Even if we ended up living together I think it always be kind of his and mine and no real closeness even if they got a long great. I could be wrong about that he could be great with them but things he has said and things I just don’t know. He can’t move and we really do want to and have been working towards that again and getting things together. It would be a struggle here still even together to make it.

My friend said but he is a good guy and decent, you known him a long time, he likes you keeps coming back. But like I told her I could be happy with him to a point but it wouldn’t last. I would feel as if I settled just to have someone. She said something about Sleeping Beauty and if it didn’t workout or what. I told her even if I do not end up with either one of them the bigger picture is that I feel I would be compromising so much that I would not be happy in the end and it wouldn’t work. Even if I didn’t and he did then he isn’t going to be happy in the end either. I’m not looking to just see where it will go or whatever happens, happens. I looking for someone that is looking at where we are going to be years down the road and build and plan for that. I don’t see myself building with this one. He just happy the way things are. Its hard to explain.

Like with Mr. To Broken, even though he is starting over and he was looking for someone to build and have something with I wasn’t interested because of his other issues and he just wasn’t my type even if he didn’t have issues. He isn’t into kids and just different things.

With Sleeping Beauty it is different, I can see us both needing things and that we can help eachother to get where we need to be and then what we want. We are simular religion wise. I say that because I am not sure what he “is” for say. I know he is Christian we were talking about going to church amd god before. He maybe Catholic, I am not sure really but just what keeps coming to mind. Maybe he did say at one time I just don’t remember. Either way I think we are close enough it be okay not a huge big deal. Him and the kids hit it off, like eachother and doing things together. They mesh good over all and he can set those boundaries that need to be set and still maintain the relationship. He can and would move if things were right. We both deal with a lot of the samethings. So we understand where eachother are coming from. I see us building a long term relationship vs. Feeling like I am settling and going to be unhappy and it not working out. We want a lot of the samethings.

Regardless of who I meet and end up with I don’t want to feel like I am settling. I know there is going to be compromise in a relationship that isn’t what I mean or talking about. I do not mind that but there are somethings you just can’t do that or it isn’t going to likely turn out well if you do. I think that is part of why if it comes down to my friend vs Sleeping Beauty. Me and Sleeping Beauty are both at a looking for change/fresh start open to anything kind of point in life. Where my “friend” is settled happy with where his life is and just looking for someone to add to it or bring into it. Amd I want more and see what is out there. He has done that and gotten himself to where he is good. Even Mr. To Broken is more settled than I want to be. He can’t move can’t do anything he happy just being here going to work and doing it over every day as long as he has someone there. Im not ready to settle into someone elses ruiten or life and fit in. I want to find that together with someone and build from there.

With RC I was happy and wanted to be with him and loved him. But when it came down to it I lost me trying to be there for him and the kids and doing the things how he wanted. I just kind of moved into his life and found my new routine around him. I don’t want that.

{July 2, 2018}   Build From The Struggle

I love this because it is so true. Anyone can walk in and get comfortable when things are going good, when you have it all together. It’s the ones who walk in when it’s all falling apart or fell apart and isn’t scared to struggle with you who speaks the loudest.

et cetera
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