{October 3, 2019}   Time to Make Plans & Take A Leap

I haven’t written a lot lately I have just been in a weird state of mind I guess you could call it. You ever been in one of those states where something just seems off or not right? Restless I have been feeling really restless lately that is the word I’m looking for.

I was worried about finding a 2nd job and then learning the job and keeping it. Getting everyone use to the changes and being there with them when I am off. I feel like I settled in and moved right to I’m missing my babies, I love my jobs but this isn’t working we need a change all in a meter of minutes. Because I look ahead and see no change in the future because everything is just going to go up and up and pay is staying the same. I was thinking even if I ended up at my night job full time for the money I am making now it isn’t going to last because it won’t be long before it isn’t enough and I still won’t be home with the kids at night it would be 2 or 3 pm until 12 like it is now and every other Saturday 4 hours.

I have had the conversation me and J had last in my head. When she called and told me she moved and has a place with property and at a decent price. Her saying how happy she is and how glad she is they made the move how much better life is and that they are living and having a life  not just existing like they did here.

I have been wanting to go see her and check it out. Been thinking about wanting to move and having the money and things. I have decided to start checking into the USDA loans and looking at property and houses. I have decided to start making plans and working on moving. I am going to apply for the loan, look up properties I would like to check out and I am going to check into building a house. I would rather build than buy but kind of decided that wasn’t going to happen. But since I have been thinking about doing all this I figured what the hell why half do it, if I can do it I may as well build what I want vs. buying one.

So I have been looking at tracks of land. It’s up in the air if I can get as much as I want but I think I can get maybe half of that. If I buy in the right area I could probably buy more over the years. but even with half I should still have enough for what I want to do. I still have to get an agent and talk to them see how much a can get a loan for, if I want to do owner finance or get the loan or another mortgage. Mostly see what options are out there the best route to go and then decide from there. I am trying to see where I want to be so I can go check the area out.

I have shot myself in the foot I dropped my credit score over 170 points in the last month. I messed up with my school loans and they hit my credit the other day. I could of cried. I went from a few points away from a 600 to under 500. I figured it out last night called and fixed it so they don’t hit again. So that will start showing good again. But I am sure it will take a while to get it back up there where it should be or needs to be. But I have a little bit so I hope they will work with me or someone will.

Worse case I will just rent or buy something with a trailer on it and live in it for a little bit then have a house built or sell and move somewhere else and have one built or have one built and rent that out. That is a bridge to cross if we come to that not worried about it right now.

I have also been looking at jobs in the areas too. I want to start applying for jobs in the area we are looking at about a month before we are ready to move. That way I can hopefully go with a job. But if I can get something as cheap as my friend I can just about pay my bills with what I will have coming in. I can stay with my friend for a month or two if I need to. If I end up being able to build I will probably have that started and done before we go or maybe see if I can get a camper or something and put in her yard for a few months and just pay her. It will help her and save me money. She has room we could stay inside but I want us to have somewhere we can go give them a break and us not be right on top of each other all the time if it is going to be a few months or put it on our property if we are having something built. Would just rather the kids be by them if I am working until we in a house or something more than a camper.

But like I said things are still in the be gaining stages and pretty much just thoughts right now. I am just starting to put thoughts into motion to see what becomes of them. Other than that I have just been busier than normal at both jobs lately. I am going to try and be around more this coming week.

{May 7, 2019}   Not Feeling Well

Here I lay at 2:48 a.m wide awake and not feeling well at all. I have this nasty taste in my mouth and feel sick to my stomach. I think it is coming from a tooth that is pretty messed up. I hate not being able to sleep but not being able to when I’m not feeling well is the worse. I am for the most part a very leave me a lone let me sleep it of kind of person. I am probably one of the easiest sick people to take care of because I require nothing but to be left alone. If I am to the point of not functioning I just want to sleep. Rearly do I want anyone to do anything for me. Take care of the kids, house and things that need done forget I’m here I will be okay. Once in a really great while I may want to cuddle and that hardly ever happens if I am not feeling good.

I have so much to do I need to be awake not falling to sleep tomorrow. I put off work so now I have to do that before I can take care of my stuff. It is going to be a long day. I better get off here and try to get some sleep. I have lots of post to catch up on soon too.

{October 18, 2018}   12:45 P.M. Time To Do Something

I have done nothing again today and the morning is over. I have slept and looked for jobs and been on here that is all. I have made some decisions about somethings that I have been thinking about. Other than that I have gotten nothing accomplished today yet. I have been getting up for hours to put dinner in the crockpot and have not yet. Now if I do not do it by 1 or around there I will not be able to. I have to because it has to have time to cook and I do not have time or feel like cooking later.

I have to get some things done here then get the kids from school. After that we are going to go walk the trails or something. Oldest has to be outside and active for an hour 3 or 4 times a week. We have slacked so we will be out a few hours today. It will be good we all need it.

Guess I better go get dinner started and things done I only have an hour and a half before little ones get out of school. I’ll be back later probably.

{October 11, 2018}   No Sleep Again

I can not believe it is 6:30 a.m. already. I have 45 minutes of sleep I could get if I fall asleep right now. I have so much to do in the morning it is not even funny. I am going to look and feel like hell. I will probably sound like it.

Im good at not sleeping until an hour before i need to be up then oversleeping once I do.

{April 27, 2017}   A Long Week

I can’t believe it has only been ten days that I have been gone. It feels like a year, so much has happened. I was at therapy with the kids today and just telling her what happen the last week since we were there, that took an hour and she was in shock and couldn’t believe it. She always says what you tell me goes on in a day most people couldn’t do in a week.

Tonight is the first night I have felt like writing in a long time. The last month or more I have not felt like writing or posting at all but I did it because it was stuff I wanted to get out or stuff I wanted to have to look back on later, so I did it. I have wanted to post since Friday but have been dealing with and going through to much to even have time or really want to do it. I will break it up into a few post or it will end up being one huge post that I wouldn’t even want to read. Don’t know if I will get to all of them tonight or not but will get at least one done. Heck I don’t know if there is even more than two to write, I really can’t even remember anything before Friday. I am going to think about it as I write in hopes of remembering something.

{April 3, 2017}   Feeling Behind

I feel that I am so far behind on posting and reading on here. I just posted stuff that happen last Wednesday I guess yesterday because it is now after midnight. I have just been so tired lately and then with everything that has been going on for the last week or more. I have a challenge that I haven’t done yet I am going to get to it I promise. Today I thought about a couple post I started writing back in February and didn’t finish and it is already April. I don’t know if or when I will get to them, maybe when the right mood hits.

I am still sore and swollen from the last three days. I thought it would go down some since I slept almost 12 hours straight and everyone else in the house slept 12 or more hours straight last night. I woke up at 1030 and everyone was still sleeping. I went to bed at 11 or a little before and was out in no time. The girls where in bed before that and the boys went to bed when I did. They slept another 20 or so minutes and then started getting up. Little Bitty had came in and got in my bed again sometime in the night or this morning I don’t even know when because I didn’t hear or feel her. I did feel her get up a few times get a drink from her cup by the bed and get back in bed and go to sleep. I was surprised because most time once she wakes up and it is day light forget it she isn’t laying back down.

Father of the year decided to show up tonight, he showed up at 950 PM!, go figure. I wanted to tell him to go home it was to late but I needed to go pay the rent so I let him stay since the kids had slept so late today and were watching a movie. I took his truck and paid the rent since I still need a light for mine.

When I got home I maid everyone go to bed about 11, he finally left. He asked me why my legs and feet where so swollen. I told him from what happen at the school Thursday, going hiking with the school on Friday and standing/walking around the 4h fair all day yesterday. He just said oh your at the school a lot now aren’t you? I said when they need me and I can be. Not like I have anywhere else to be or place to go.

I haven’t talk to my poor friend in days I have been so busy she is probably wondering if I am mad at her. I am going to have to go see her tomorrow when I get out of school. I have to go food shopping too. I am going to be so tired because it is 2 am and I am still not sleepy. I have class tomorrow. Guess I will get caught up on some post.

{February 13, 2017}   Lot Of Nothing Done

I feel like I have gotten a lot of nothing done the last 6 days or so. Everyone has been sick, Little Bitty was like an oven last night with fever. I got her up this morning and it was over 100 so she couldn’t go to school. It’s been up to 101. I called my friend right away and ask her if she would please come sit with her I had school and therapy today. She said she would, when I picked her up then she told me she just got to sleep an hour or two before I called she hadn’t been able to sleep all night. Little Bitty asked for ice cream this morning so I got us all milkshakes. I figured it would lover her temperature or help with it maybe. I dropped them off and went to class. I got home she was up playing she had a pillow and blanket laying on the couch. She said she played some and laid around some while I was gone and that over all she was good.

I hung out with them for a little bit then had to go to my appointment. Before I left the helicopter was flying over it looked like the store in the front of my area. I told them lets ride up there and see what was going on before I left, she don’t have a phone right now so no way to call if she needed too. I figured it be best to see what was going on before just leaving them. We got up there and there was nothing there. We sat there a minute and was talking because there were no cops nothing like nothing had happen even. Then I seen it flying across the main road over the school. I drove down that way and the school was on lock down all the gates were closed. We still didn’t see cops just them flying over. I said I don’t know but it isn’t even in my area or close to my house for the most part so you all should be fine. I went up the road and turned down this street I know over there to cut across and come back home. Soon as I made the turn the road was blocked there were cops with guns, dogs and people everywhere. I said well we found it and it is pretty far from my house. We couldn’t turn around really so we had to go around the block and out. We seen a few cops then with streets all blocked off on that side on the way home but we have not heard what happen or what they were looking for. It was probably about 3 or 4 miles away. Not super far but not in my backyard or front yard. There is like a simie main road that runs between my area and the school and the other area and their school they are blocks and blocks behind me before you get to that road, then you cross it and go a ton more blocks down before you get to where it is.

I went to therapy and picked the kids up and we came home picked them up and took my friend home. I had to go to the store for somethings and get Little Guy from school. I took them to get cards for tomorrow from the Dollar Tree and we came home for the night. Little bitty wanted Chicken Soup for dinner so I got the stuff and made homemade soup for her and everyone. I figured it would be more filling than the little cans of stuff. It was pretty good but didn’t turn out as good as it does most the time. It was missing something flavor wise and I forgot to throw the bag of mixed veggies in. I also picked up lunch-able because I figured if they still wanted something to eat they could eat them but they all ate the soup really good.

I wanted to work on the hutch more but it was cool out and I had homework to do so I just skipped it tonight. I am still trying to figure out how to cut this one part of the board off it isn’t but a few inches that need to be cut but we are having a hard time finding something to cut it. I asked my oldest to try it today and she broke the corner off. I hope that it will still work once we get it cut right and put in. I do not know what is wrong with her lately, she did that I had told her what needed to be done, she filled out cards for Little Guy, she taped them all so that the to and from was on the inside, just simple things that I know she knows how to do or knows what I am talking about she screws all around. I am starting to get really mad about it. I just don’t know what her problem is lately.

I have to redo my assay for self awareness for my one class because I guess I didn’t add enough information to it. I have to get my work done for the other class because she changed the assignment up on me this term so I don’t have it done and the other is the one I couldn’t find because of the book last time. I hope that I have the right book this time. I haven’t had to use it this far but do now. I already have an exam at the school in this class next week. I hope it is as easy as it was last time. My other class I have a 200 point project coming up due in March and it aggravates me because I can only get into part of the information for that week until closer to time. It should be interesting I think it will be anyway. We have to make a genogram of our family and write our family story.

I done a lot but I feel like my house is falling apart and I can’t get anything done. I hate it, I feel like I am getting part of this and pieces of that and not every finishing anything. The kids are not wanting to help and do their parts we have been going around with that. I just want to rip through my house and clean every room out and put back together again. I have purged and purged and feel like I do every few months but  feel like I am never done, there is just so much crap. But I really can’t do it with them here getting into everything and in the way. I would like to get some paint and paint the place too while I have the rooms cleaned out. I want to take everything from one room at a time purge and replace what is left to the room but I want to paint it first. I feel like it has gotten to out of control and when I try to fix it it gets half done and then messed up again why I go take care of other stuff and have to come back to a mess or not able to come back because of something coming up. I am ready to tell him he has to find someone that will watch them at their house for the weekend so that I can do what I want to do and get some cleaning done. He can like or not I don’t really care. I am going to tell him he has to come get them drop them off there and pick them up so he will have to pay and not leave me stuck paying for it. I am telling him that I used my money to pay my rent up as well so he won’t think I have all that much. I am going to pay it but just not all in one lump sum. I think I am going to pay March and Aprils when it comes due the first. Then the first of March pay two months again. Then do that the following month, if I do that the next 4 months I will have through September paid. I will have to see how it goes. He is supposed to start paying me again. I don’t know if he will or not. If he does I should have no problem paying it up for a while. I oh crud I have to pay the lights I forgot it came in the mail the other day. I don’t think it is all that much though just need to do it.

I got to get off here and try to get some sleep. I need to save my internet until I pay my bill this week and I have to be at school with the kids tomorrow all day then therapy and then chicken meeting. It is going to be such a long day. I can’t wait until these chickens are sold and we don’t have to be messing with them. I do not feel the middle two are really learning anything and I do not like how they only have meetings once a month and then they aren’t really learning much of anything but the same thing every month. April can’t get here fast enough. On the bright side they have started laying eggs. We found an egg a day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They all should be laying here really soon. When they do we will have about 30 eggs give or take every day. They are pretty small right now but they will get bigger I guess as they get older. I wish I had a place to keep ours I would it would be much easier than running out there and we wouldn’t’ have to buy eggs we would have them and they could sell them.

{September 12, 2016}   Super Busy

I have been supper busy the last week with a ton going on. But I will be back later to day to catch everyone up and hopefully get back on track.

{August 4, 2016}   Much Needed Lazy Day

Monday was my Little Guy’s last day of vpk, he will start school the 16th. We only had one place we had to be today and that wasn’t until 4:30 so I turned the alarm off before I even went to sleep and turned the phone down so I wouldn’t hear it and I slept for a while today. I was up and down a few times this morning. Then went to sleep for a while longer. Even after I woke up I laid here for an hour or two before I finally got up about 11:30.

I made all the kids take showers and do a load of laundry and we still ended up leaving early for therapy. We stopped at the thrift store up the street from our house the kids ended up getting a stack of board games and Little Bitty got a big nice Elmo board book. We stopped got drinks and went on to therapy.

After we left there I dropped the three little ones with Father of The Year and my and my oldest went to the store. I got flowers and a vase for my friend and we went up to see her. I hadn’t been up since I left Monday when they kept her, but she knew I probably wouldn’t make it back until at least today. She was surprised to see the flowers I think. She was saying how nice they were. I found a vase it said live, laugh, love on it. I thought it a little nicer than just a plain vase. I told my oldest I wanted to go see her and get her some I didn’t know if anyone had been to see her or brought her anything. She is feeling pretty bad right now and scared with everything going on and last Friday being her birthday and all and spending it in the hospital, then finally being admitted Monday. She thought it was her stomach and things and they are now telling her it is her heart. I spent an hour or so with her and came home. Ended up spending forever in the store when I went in for fries and drinks. Walked out spending over $60. I found my Big Boy shorts they had on sale and a few shirts. I got Little Bitty a night gown we are working on wearing clothes and gowns when we go to bed, she just had a long sleeved one from winter I tried to get her to wear. I got a few shirts and disappointed because the one doesn’t fit. I hate returning stuff but I guess I have too. Of course if I get into the gym like I want I should be able to fit in it in a few months but I need clothes now.

Now I am about to take one of the two midterms I need to take by this evening so that I have it done and out of the way. Then I will have one study guide one midterm and one lesson to have done this evening.

Tomorrow I have three places I need to go only two I have to go to and we don’t have to be to the one until 3 and the other I go straight to when I leave there. I need to take Little Bitty to the doctor to get her stuff done since they didn’t do it last week but I can take her there Friday or Monday or even wait until the kids start School next Wednesday and take her.

Friday I am back to running my mom and grandma around again. I have to take grandma to the doctor at 11  or 12 something. Then I have to take my mom to the college to do her test. I may just take Little Bitty to the doctor why she is doing her test who knows. I love that their doctor takes walk ins for anything and everything whenever. Ah I just thought with school starting next week they will be slammed packed with kids. I think I will wait until the first day of school. The big kids have to be there by 9 and I can go straight from there to the doctor with her and they shouldn’t be so busy. That will be a Wednesday in the middle of the week as well. I think I will do that instead.

I better get off here it isn’t getting any earlier and I need to get at least this one test done. It is mostly all writing as well. Maybe I will just do my study guide get up early do the one test and then do the other one when I get home. I just feel so much more relaxed doing them in the evening but not when I have to rush because they are due in a little bit. I am going to go check everything out see what I decide to get done.





{August 3, 2016}   Not The Energizer Bunny

Since my mom’s truck broke down I have had to take them anywhere they go. Father of the year had been doing a lot of if until he started working. Now it is also all left on me to do. There is no one else to do it, if I don’t they will not get to doctors, the store or anywhere else. Add in the doctors for my kids, then schools, shopping, therapy, my schooling and exams to it all and I feel like I never get to stop, get to sleep, have 5 minutes to myself, or do anything but drive, ride and wait. I can’t sleep at night a few hours here and there, I walk around so tired I can hardly hold my eyes open most of the day anymore. If I do get to go to sleep or fall a sleep I dream all kinds of crazy stuff and wake up off and on every hour or so.

I went to day to take my grandma to the doctor then they tell me they need to go to the store. She had to be at the doctor at 12:45 I had to go to an appointment at 2, missed one at 11:20 to be there to take her on time and was going to go after my 2 o clock to the one I missed. I dropped them off went and paid the rent then went to my 2 o clock because they were not ready yet. They were ready before I even got called back to talk to the lady, they had to sit and wait. I was trying to get my letter for childcare for my little one. They couldn’t give it to me because I have to use it with in ten days and they will not let her start for 13 or more days. They called the school but said they had to call back they were going to see what they could do. I have to go there again Thursday now after the boys therapy.

I pick the up they need to go to the store so I run them there and that turned in to a hours trip. I really don’t know how long we were in there but I know it was well over an hour. I didn’t get out in time to take her to the doctor. Now I have to do that tomorrow or Thursday. Tomorrow I have to take the boys to therapy. I guess I could go before I go there but I am so tired I really didn’t want to leave the house and do anything until I had to go there.

Then she tells me that my grandma has to go back to this doctor the 30 of this month and that she is supposed to be in court the 16 of this month three counties away for her divorce. They have a doctors appointment this Friday and she has to go to the college to take a test Friday as well.

Last week I was down there three different days I think taking them to the doctor and the store all three times had to go to both. I still need to go the school and talk to them about my Big Boy because I didn’t have time to talk to them when I dropped the paperwork off because I had to rush to get them to the doctor then too. I need to do two exams between now and Thursday evening and a lesson or two. My big boy has therapy on Thursday and now I have to go to that other meeting on Thursday after it.

I told her I didn’t know if I could take her the 30, that I had to be at the school two days a week for class I didn’t know if that was one of them. Something else she was talking about I told her I had to pick the kids up by 1 from school because they would have started and get out early. The 16 is the little kids first day of school and the big kids get out early. I think that is the first day of my on campus class. I don’t know what they are going to do but I can’t keep doing this for everyone all the time.

She says Father of the Year is supposed to fix her truck he don’t want to after telling her he would, but she don’t have money for the parts either. She just needs a new truck this one has had so much done to it and still don’t run. Then she say they can’t go do anything and they sit there unless they go to the doctor or the store and things. I don’t know what she thinks I should do about it. I run them enough and don’t even get a few minutes to myself. She isn’t one anyone wants to be around for long or spend  a bunch of time with. As if I don’t run enough she wants me to now come and take them to church they never go couldn’t tell you the last time my mom went in many years or of my grandma ever going. She wants me to get them and take them to the one where we were going then she wants me to come down there and go one they want to go to. Now she is so fucking nosy and can’t stay out of shit she wants to go over here to the one where my bigger kids are going to be going to school. The school and church really have nothing to do with each other, it isn’t even a religion that she knows anything about or ever wanted to go to one of their churches before. We were supposed to go this week and I over slept.

I don’t want to go there I want to go to the one I was going to a while back. I haven’t been going because I been so busy and because of them. If she knows we went she has something to say about it and how I know she wanted to go. Even when she had her truck and could go somewhere right around her. She can’t drive far. I figure next if I go back or keep going that she will be having father of the year drive her up there and them all come. If or when they all do that is when I am going to be very pissed and it is going to turn into a big fight. I should not have to have him everywhere I go and a part of everything I do all the time. If that is the case then I should have never got a divorce from him. She was telling him he needed to go this last weekend when we were all going. If he is going and they are going then he can take them and I don’t have to go.

The more I have to do for her and the more I have to deal with her and interact with her, I stay stressed, I stay in a bad mood, I can’t stand the thought of going and dealing with her, the less I want to do at all when I have to deal with her. Just knowing I have to deal with her stresses me out so bad I don’t feel like doing anything else. Going and helping her takes so long and i know i can’t get my stuff done. I know it is horrible to say but I hate being around her.

She acts like your just there to be at her beckon call whenever she is ready no warring or nothing. No regard if you have stuff to do or places you have to be. If you go to take them to the doctor then expect that you are stuck there the next three hours or more. I can not keep doing it. The more I do it the more I hate life. And I end up rushing to get my school work done or getting mixed up with days and times trying to get everything done for everyone else. If I would have a few minutes of free time it is wasted there taking them to something that should take and hour and spending five because of the way she is. I am going to tell her I can take you once a month to doctors so make them all for the same days. The store father of the year is going to be over there so he is going to have to deal with that and figure it out when he is off work in the evening or Sunday. My sister is about to get a car and she is going to have to start helping. She is right there in the same apartment complex with her and she has no where to go or anything to do they sit there all the time and do nothing. She is going to have to step up and start taking them where they need to go. God knows my mom took care of her and her old man and kid for years why neither of them did anything. She has already said she don’t want to drive her around and things because of the way she is but I don’t care I am going to stop answering my phone or be busy when she calls and tell her she needs to call her and have her take her.

I feel like the Energizer Bunny that just keeps going and going only without his energy. I don’t know how I keep going honestly. But I do know I am not going to keep on.

et cetera
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