{February 12, 2020}   I Don’t Want To Be Anywhere

As you all know I have been in a not so great place mentally the last few weeks. Today things are just really turning worse. I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to be at home and around the kids or the Bitch and my some what of an escape work that I use to have isn’t any better right now. I don’t want to be there either. I just want to walk or sleep, I don’t even want to be at home in my bed to sleep. I just want to be anywhere but here dealing with my life and everything that is going on in it right now. I feel like if I could just walk at some point everything would be okay.

It is weird I can remember back when I first started having my anxiety and depression problems when I was about 14 I always just wanted to walk. I never knew where I was going or anything. I just felt that if I just started walking at some point everything would be okay. I don’t mean just a walk around the block or up the street. I mean just walk and keep walking. I told Jw and Bff today I could leave my day job this morning walk the 25+ miles to my night job and probably never think twice about it and keep walking right past it and not be bothered. It is and odd feeling. Like I need to find this place and if I do everything will be okay. I know that isn’t right but I feel so free when I am walking, I don’t feel confined or like I have to………. I just don’t know how to explain the feeling at all. You would think that driving would be just as good but it really isn’t. Driving feels like something else I have to do and think about. Where if I am just walking I don’t have to really think about or worry about anything.

I thought of it today when my dad stopped drinking a long time ago, he would call me and he would be walking. I would ask him where he was going he say he didn’t know he was just walking. Sometimes he would be walking up to the little store to get something sweet because he ate a lot of donuts when he stopped drinking. But he had a brand new truck he could of drove anywhere but he still walked. I don’t know what it is about mental illness that makes you just want to walk or feel like you need to walk. I know my dad had some mental illness he was dealing with as well. My grandma did and his brothers and sisters do too. It runs in the family on both sides sadly so I got a big huge heaping double dose of it. Luck me. The last few years really dealing with it more than ever other than when I first started having problems as a kid I can 100% understand and see why my dad said and did a lot of the things he did. I admire him for being able to do some of the things he did. I use to think how can he do that, how can he say that, how does he not feel bad about that. But now I see because I am seeing I am more and more like my dad when it comes to things. I can understand it like I never could before. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one who ever felt that way or feels that way. I know I am not but I know that someone understands or understood how I am feeling even if they dont’ know or never knew that one day I would be going through the same things.

Today has just been a bad day from the time I woke up. I found out yesterday on my way to my night job they are putting a friend in hospice care. She is only my age. She had cancer a few years ago and beat it. Found out she has it back somewhere and was doing treatments. They life flighted her out a few days ago to a bigger icu and then the next day over to hospice. They found a mass on her brain the other day on top of everything else she has going on.

This morning i wake up to my friends 16 year old daughter missing. We haven’t had time to catch up in a while. She said she has been to Circles of Care 5 time and put away once. Last night she said she was going in the backyard for fresh air and left. Her and my oldest are only 3 months apart in age. When they were just 6 and 3 months old i use to watch her. Then when I had my house they use to come over her mom would stay with my kids give me a break.

Then sitting at work I see my friend that does my hair. Her mom passed away today. Her brother was just hit by a car and killed last year. I can only imagain how she is feeling.

It’s like no one can catch a break right now and i am so off and dealing with my own shit I can’t be there for anyone else. I feel bad because they all have been there for me.

I feel bad poor JW is just along for my moody depressed train wreck of a ride my life is right now. He just keeps saying its okay, everything is going to be fine how can i help. I dump on him or just in a blah mood when we are together I feel bad. I keep telling him I’m sorry. He just keeps saying there is nothing to be sorry about and he is there for me, he understands and things.

{December 2, 2019}   More Cancer

Bff called Friday and we were talking. She said I have to tell you something I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. You can’t tell anyone or say anything about anything. I said I’m not what is it? She said sleeping beauty has cancer. I said I knew something was wrong he had something. I told her a few weeks ago he had something she said oh no she had been to the doctor they tested him for AIDS and everything. I said I am telling you he has something he knows it. He made the comment to me to many times he was scared and what he has and what was wrong with him. She kept saying no and she been at the hospital with him they told her everything and talked to him she was right there.

She said that he told them at the hospital not to say any thing to her or in front of her. HIPAA keeps them from saying anything. Just like she said they treated him like a druggie and hardly gave him anything for pain. I said because they seen what he was a mile away and then they did a drug test on him to prove it and it told them everything they already knew. But again they couldn’t tell you.

She said he just told his family Thanksgiving about the cancer and that his mom had taken him to some doctors appointments already. I said he needs to go back up there with his mom and let her take care of him and take him where he needs to go and things. I said you don’t need to take on taking care of him and having to take off and take him all over the place. It sucks but he has done nothing but take advantage of  you for over a year now and still doing it. She of course says yeah I know. In other words yeah she knows but she isn’t going to do it and will probably end up being his care taker until whatever happens. Putting herself in more of a jam and at this point maybe losing her job. Because what I have heard from a few people between him and a guy at work she has already been in trouble and written up.

I don’t know it is bad but what can you say or do and the fact that he is sick now does not change all that he has done until now. I hate to see anything happen to him but it isn’t other’s place to take care of him when he has done nothing to take care of himself all this time and done nothing but used people and still using them.

She told me the other week he was working with the dumb ass that worked at the shop with us who messed the breaks up on my truck. I thought he would of been smart enough to get paid right away so that he would get paid. Then she tells me when we are talking about all this that nope he has worked weeks or maybe months now and has not been paid and that the dumb ass is saying he is waiting for this and that and to be paid so he hasn’t paid him. I said oh well then your both lost your mind if you really think he is going to get paid anything at this point. I said you both know him very well and know if he did not get paid when the work was done you aren’t going to get paid. I said he is the most lying, scamming coning pos out there. Well he is going to be pay pal this weekend and give him some money. I said yeah don’t hold your breath. She is waiting for this to help buy Christmas. Oh well she wants to be stupid about things and do all this knowing what she knows and been told and after everything that has happen that is on her. She said his family said she is the only one that hasn’t given up on him blah, blah. How is mom babied him and this is why he is the way he is. I said she is right, this is what i have said to you for how long now? You and her both baby him and enable him. I said there is a difference in being there and not giving up and enabling and being used. I said and all you have done is allow yourself to be used. She started with well he is good for the kids…..I said no he isn’t, what is he teaching x her son? That he don’t have to work to just find a women who does and that will let him live off of them? That he can do his drugs and treat them how ever he wants? I said at least his dad worked and taught him to get off his ass and work for what you want and to make away for himself. I said this one is undoing that and you have no one but your self to blame for that. I said what is he teaching your youngest daughter who just loves him and he has “helped” so much as you say? What that she is supposed to work her ass off to take care of a grown man that refuses to work and pay his way? Then if something happens to him to keep paying his way and then take care of him as well?

Of course she is all yeah but blah. blah. I said I’m not the only one that has said this to you and you know what everyone is saying is right. She said yeah, her older “son” as she calls him the one from the shop that lived with them keeps asking her why he is there and that she needs to get him out of there and everything. I said well he is right.

{November 18, 2019}   Cancer Sucks

Last week was already a hard week for me being sick and just feeling off. Wanting to cry and just really emotional. Yesterday I woke up sicker than I had been so far. I felt horrible Thursday then alright Friday and Saturday. Sunday I woke up and had next to no voice. I didn’t fall a sleep until after 4 am. I woke up at around 10:30 and everyone was sleeping still. I rolled over and went back to sleep. About and hour or more later, Little Bitty woke me up tapping me on the shoulder. I rolled over and she said I lost another tooth!! She has all the ones across the top in the front missing now. I got her to lay down and watch a show with me for another hour or so. Then I finally got up, took a shower and we went to pick something up for lunch.

The big kids wanted pizza roll things so we went and ordered those. While we waited for them we ran next door to get Little Bitty what she wanted. Oldest and her ran in to get it and I was in the car. I called my friend J and talk to her a minute. I seen she said somethings online. I thought her mom was sick again, she is here. I called she was out with her husband and granddaughter.

She said something about test or the doctor. I said what are you talking about? She said I told you….I said no. She said oh I haven’t talk to you yet. She proceeds to tell me that she has breast cancer. They have done a bunch of different test. More than they would of probably ever done here. That they were sure it is cancer in her one breast. The other test they done they feel she is at extremely high risk of getting it in the other as well. Her mom has had it as well.

She said she is going December 4th to get a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. They are going to do a tummy tuck and use that to do the reconstructive surgery. I didn’t release they could do that.  We talked a little more they had left and were driving she asked if she could call me back when they got home. She said she was having a hard time hearing me. With losing my voice and them driving I am sue it probably was hard I told her yes to call me whenever she got a chance.

I didn’t hear from her after that. Then this morning I got some text from her really early about 6 am. She kept saying she was sorry she hadn’t called me back. She said it was hard for her to talk about it and hold it together and how scared she was and thing. She is hoping to avoid chemo and radiation if she can. I know she is scared, I can’t imagine going through that, basically three major surgeries. Plus dealing with your doing this because of cancer and don’t know how it is going to turn out. Not like she knows oh they will do this everything is going to be okay like if it was your gallbladder or something like that.

She had cancer before when she was in her 20/30’s bad. She had female cancer then and I think, had everything removed then.

I know she is scared I feel so bad for her. I just sat in the parking lot and cried when we hung up. Then I pulled it together when the girls came out. I wish I was able to go see her even just for the weekend. If I had somewhere to leave the dogs and the kids. I just leave from work Friday night and get up there Saturday sometime. I leave Sunday in time to be home for work Monday. But I just don’t have the money or way to do it. I have to be here with the kids and need to do a few things to the car.

We had talked about us coming up for Thanksgiving a few months ago but we hadn’t talked much since then. I hadn’t brought it up because I knew things that have happen I wasn’t going to be able to go.


{March 11, 2019}   An Evening Full Of Questions

Me and the kids went with bff and her kids out to lunch this afternoon and then the pet store. When we left there she went to drop the baby she was watching off and I went to run home and walk dogs. I had some of her kids and she had some of mine.

I was about home and she called to say she was running back north of us where we had just come from to pick someone up. I was confused she said they were going to be coming through there soon and wanted to know if she would pick them up. It was sleeping Beauty. He told her earlier he was at the hospital. I guess they left early was headed home so he got them to stop closer this way and drop him at Wal Mart.

We made it back to her house before they did. They finally got there we all were sitting in the living room talking kids were in and out. Later after dinner it was late all the kids were in and out some sitting there with us. Boy did questions start flying before it was over.

Mr. 8 started asking Sleeping Beauty if he was Little Bitty’s dad. I don’t know how that went over because me and some of the kids were horse playing and I didn’t realise until later someone said something about it. While I was in the bathroom I heard him saying something about why he was always there on Sunday when we go over or if he was always going to be one. I couldn’t understand him. Others were asking if we were still going camping.

Bff left to take a kid home me and him a few of her girls and oldest were sitting there talking. One of hers looked at us and ask if we were together? I felt him lock on me before I could even turn their way or say anything. I turned to look and he just looking at me not answering locked on me. She said something again and I just said no. She said oh because I thought y’all were, your not? He still looking at me, i laughed and said no she went on about other stuff then.

I was talking to bff later after she dropped him off. I said what the hell was that all about? Why the hell was he looking at me like that? Why wasn’t he answering just wait for me to? I said I think I will ask him Wednesday. She said I would too that don’t make no since. I said I know.

She said he never said anything about what he said the other night he would tell her. She forgot to ask. I don’t know if that is true or she just not saying for whatever reason. But he probably didn’t with all that was said and things they were talking about all the kids and things.

It was a fun day, he help the kids put up tents to play in and things. They all had a good time.

He was telling us to night he has to move from his moms the park don’t want him there he isn’t on the lease. She says she thinks he is moving down the street from her at their friends house we were at the other night. His mom don’t want him to she is worried about her husband dying and being up there alone. Now her sister only has 4 weeks to live and his cancer is back. His has been back awhile they can not treat it. Said come back in 6 months if he is still a live. Its been that or close to it. I don’t know what she will do if something happens and he has moved. I know she drives and works still. But i don’t know her or much else about her. I think she is probably scared to be alone. It was her and her sister then she got remarried it was the 3 of them then sleeping beauty moved in it was 4. The sister just moved out a few months ago and now this. He will probably end up moving back with her if something happens to her husband.

Over all it was a fun day/night. The kids had a blast and the adults did too.

{January 12, 2019}   Don’t Think I Can Go

I am sitting in my truck at the store trying to force myself to go in and I just can’t. I am supposed to be at the celebration of life in less than an hour and I don’t want to go. I should be going in to get a top to wear, that is why I am here. The closer to time it gets the sicker I feel.

I think because of the time of year it is and losing my dad. Right now was when we were in the thick of things with him and the day of his death is less than a month a way. The cancer all just hitting to close to home. I don’t know what to do. I feel I need to go out of respect at least but I feel such horrible anxiety right now thinking about it.

I left for work this morning but didn’t have to work I’m just bouncing around here and there. I just want to go home and sleep. I gained 5lbs from all I have eaten this week alone. I been eating anything and everything and even buying food. I think just because I am depressed. It just hit me thinking about everything. I just feel like I am in a funk. Couldn’t figure out why.

{December 28, 2018}   To Late for Hospice Care

Yesterday we got back to work after having the last 4 days off. In a little bit Pop came in and started working. In a few minutes he came in and sat down. We talked about Christmas. He said they didn’t really have one no one was really into it. With all that is going on it was understandable.

He then said his wife had gotten worse the last 4 days or so really quickly. That he was going to have to call for a nurse to come in and help. He said he was going to need 24 hour care for her because he couldn’t lift her and do the things she needed by himself it took two people and his kids couldn’t be there all the time and it was a lot for them as well.

I told him that was okay and it is a lot and demanding when you are caring for someone like that. How even with 3 or 4 of us we called someone because as much as you want to do it all you just can’t. He seem like he felt bad he couldn’t do it all. Or like he needed to hear it was okay.

Then he told me that the nurse said they were going to call in hospice for her they would be out today to set it all up. I told him they have a few things that could help him in way of someone to help and sit with her depending on different things.

Today Little Bitty had a dentist appointment at 1. Being I don’t go to work until 10 and would need to leave at 12 to get her and get there I took her with me so we could leave later. We were sitting there and right after we got there Pop’s son came in and talk to us for a bit. He was waiting for the other owner so they could go out. He talk to Little Bitty and played with her and her toy a bit. Then he got a text and said they were going so he must of gotten there. In about 20 or 30 minutes the other owner came walking back in. I seen him on camera walking up to the door and said oh Pop is coming in you can meet him. Then I noticed it was the other owner but he was alone.

He came in and sat down with us. He talk to Little Bitty for a minute. Then he said they had stopped by Pop’s house and his son stayed there. He said hospice was there and she was not doing good at all and he didn’t think it would be long. He said he was waiting for one of the other fill in guys to get there to go out with him. He said needless to say no one is probably going to be here to cover for you. He said just lock up and I will open when ever I get back in. I told him I was going to drop her off and come back I thought it should only take an hour or so. He said okay just let him know when I made it back.

The fill in guy came and they left. They had already pulled out I thought about next week. I was making a list of places to start calling. I called him and ask how I should handle next week? He said go ahead as normal and we hung up.

I had to get a list of groomers together for the area I was calling because all I had was salons. And I have ran through them a lot. I had a girl call in ask about dropping some blades and shears off. It was around 11:30 because I looked and told her we would be closing for a bit in about 45 minutes. She said she was on her way. She got there around 11:50 or so I got a call as soon as she came in. It was the owner that was out on calls. He ask if I had made calls I told him a few but only had the one. He said okay because she had passed and he wasn’t sure when they would do her service or how things were going to go.

My phone is off I haven’t been able to text Pops and I don’t want to call. I figure the last thing he wants to do is talk to a bunch of people. The owner came in today to pay me, he said he didn’t think they would be back in time to. You could tell he was upset and crying. I didn’t know what to say to him, I just told him I was sorry about his mom.

Yesterday was just a blah day all around, but that’s another post.

{December 2, 2018}   Just Keep Her Comfortable

This last week the one owner and his dad Pop’s have not been there. Pop’s wife was supposed to be taken to the cancer center or hospital over across the state this last week. I was glade the owner was with them because the dad is very confused about things.

Then the other owner came in a few times and helped or just to check in. From what I gathered she was still at the hospital in town not far from the shop. She went in the day before Thanksgiving. I am not 100% sure but what I am thinking.

Friday the guys came in one thats been there this week got there first he just went to work. The other one came in they talked back and forth a second the first one that came in said bye i said bye. The other said HI, BYE as he popped his head around the corner. I said good morning bye guys have a good day. They left and I didn’t hear from them the rest of the day.

Later it was just about time for me to leave and I thought I haven’t been paid, it’s Friday. I started to call one of them but figured I would just wait they were probably on their way and walk in any minute or call to make arrangements to pay me. In a little bit the one that hasn’t been there and a guy came in. They came into the shop before you get to my office. I had some questions and a few things to tell him. I waited until they weren’t really talking and called out to him got up to walk out there. I didn’t see him on tv I turned came around he was there handed me money. He said I’m so sorry I forgot it was Friday and forgot about paying you. I smiled said its alright I’m here until 5 either way. I figured you would be back or get a hold of me. He looked surprised I wasn’t mad. I needed it but could have worked it out until Monday or met them later when they got back in town. Its been a stressfull week a lot going on.

I asked him something about setting up their calls he said things should be closer or pretty much back to normal him there come Monday. He said they finally got his mom home the day before or that day.

I said oh good did they take it out or just do the biopsy so far? He said they can’t take it out at this point all they can do is make her comfortable.

I was floored, I didn’t know what to say to him. I said I’m so sorry, I said it is such a hard thing to go through and deal with. I said we went through it with my grandpa and seen a friend of the family go through it. He said really? I said yeah it’s hard and sad, I’m sorry. He was messing with something on the desk he put it down said have a good weekend see you Monday. I just said see you monday. He left, i locked up shut stuff down did my drop and left.

I feel so bad for them. I don’t know what to say or do. I don’t look for Pop’s to be back in for a while. Maybe at all, if so probably once in awhile here and there. This is hard really hard on him and if something happens it is going to devastate him. I don’t know if he be in any shape to come back. If so not for awhile.

{November 9, 2018}   A Long Sad Day

No one was there when I got to work this morning so I opened and turned everything on and got to work. In a little bit the owners dad came it. We will call him Pop. So when I talk about pop that’s who it is.

He got right to work then came talked to me some. We had a customer and he went after they left and found something to keep himself busy. In a little bit he came sat back down. We talked some he was talking about his wife. He said he is 74 she is 68. He said I am supposed to go first why I married younger. She isn’t supposed to have all these problems.

In a little bit he said he was going to go so he could go see her. If a big order came in call him. If it was just small stuff he would get it later. I told him I would tell them all they could pick it up tomorrow.

It is so sad you can tell he is so worried and lost. He said I heard the C word I don’t remember anything else that was said hardly. He said she has had it so ruff the last few weeks.

I feel so bad he will come sit he just sits don’t say a lot. You can tell it is consuming him he feels so bad. I feel so bad for him. Its so very sad. Makes me want to cry. Reminds me of my grandpa when my grandma was so sick and then passed. They were 75 it wss so very hard on him. You can tell he really cares and they are close. He keeps going between the shop and the hospital. I told him we are good just spend time with her but I think its hard for her being there seeing her but then he feels bad not being being there.

It has been hard on me the last few days with all this going on thinking about my dad, grandpa and other family member’s.

I love my job its perfect in just about every way. It is what I have wanted for a long time. But this is not how or why I wanted to end up in this job and would rather not have it. But if it has to be……

I am just trying to figure out why I have been brought into this situation. What am I supposed to do, see, or get out of it or do for them or what. Its brought up a lot from my past that is hard for me. I have been trying to push it down and stuff it but it has been hard. I cried a little today between all that I am dealing with and seeing him. He was in the shop I don’t think he seen me. I feel I should be doing something or saying something. I don’t know what. I feel helpless. We sat and talked about all kinds of stuff Wednesday before they called and said they found the tumor on the brain and he left. I felt I needed to be working but he come in and sat and we started talking. Today about 4 I said something he ask what days i was booking for how many more I needed. I said next Thursday i needed 2 and to book fri and saturday. He said take a break relaxe you been busy. We just kind of sat there playing on our phones talking a little. He got a call i cashed the draw out dropped the money. I locked up turned everything off went back in the office. It was about 5/10 til 5. He was on the phone with his wife. I was just going to tell him everything was locked up I would see him tomorrow. He told her he would be there in a bit the new girl was pushing him out and going home and laughed. He hung up we were walking out. He said I sure hope she is going to be okay. I said she will. He went to his car. He was headed back to her when I passed him going to work. It is just so sad she is going through this and him too.

{June 16, 2018}   Cancer Sucks

About the time I got home from working on the truck and crawled into bed my phone started dinging. I thought it was going to be Mr. To Broken. It wasn’t it was Starfish. I not heard from him in a few days i ask why he was quiet if something was wrong earlier or night before.

He said he was he been working and taking care of stuff at home. I told him i talked to him about my truck and was going to come get him the other day, but he never got a hold of me. He said it was okay. I told him I finally got my truck fixed I just came in from getting it done. We talked about that a little.

Then he told me he had a lot coming up to deal with and take care of. He said his moms husband needs surgery for cancer but they can not do it because he won’t come out of it. Said the doctor said he wants to see him back in 6 months if he makes it.

I ask how his mom was because he had said hers came back. He said no he misunderstood it was his that did not hers.

I don’t what to say. I just said sorry to hear. I know they aren’t close he isn’t crazy about him. But its still hard watch your mom deal with it go through it. She lost his dad in 14 or 16. Just before or after I lost my dad. I remember us talking about it before.

I ask if they put him on hospice or anything he said no. I don’t know health wise how he is doing. I know he is getting around and doing things still. So he may be okay for now, but who knows for how long.

Just pray for him that he isn’t in pain and don’t suffer. Pray for his mom who is going through this with him and dealing with all that comes with that. Pray for him why he helps them both through this. That he is able to stay strong and handle it. That he reaches out for help and to talk if he needs to instead of turning to other things. I told him if he needs to talk or needs anythung i am here.

{October 22, 2016}   It Just Keeps Coming

In less than 24 hours I have had two out of my three closes friends told they have cancer. One has been having trouble for a month or more with her breast leaking blood and puss. She went to the doctor and has been waiting on them to get her mammogram set up. They called her Thursday and told her to be at the hospital the next day for 4 different test not just a mammogram. I guess they sent the results over to the doctor as soon as they were done. She called me today upset and freaking out.

The doctor told her that they found a large mass and that she has had something going on for a while and that it’s not good. That it has been a long time for her to have the leaking that she has. He told her that she is going to have to make some big decisions and make them fast she don’t have time to wait. They need to do a few more test and get started on treatment.

She told him that she wants them to take both breast and go from there. He was shocked that she had thought that much into it and knew what she wanted to do already. But me and her have been talking about it for a while and what if it was cancer (we knew most it was so prepare for worst) and what was best options to do. Even with it in one breast with already having it in one and her families history of cancer she figures it is best to go ahead and take both than waiting to see if it spreads or comes back and going through it all again. I don’t blame her I would do the same thing. She wants to wait the year or so and then have reconstructive surgery for her breast. I don’t know that I would go as far as to have them redone if I had to have them removed. I have been flat chested most my life until the last few years when I got fat and had kids. I don’t know if I would go through the pain and all that it takes to do that. But I can’t really say for sure if I would or wouldn’t.

Then my other friend who is so sick was back at the er yesterday they patched her up and sent her home like always. She has told them and told them she can’t get the doctors she needs and they just keep telling her there is nothing they can do. They told her yesterday she needs to see a GI doctor like always but now her esophiguse is bleeding and she is all inflamed down to her stomach. They told her that they are pretty sure it is cancer but nothing they will do for her she needs to figure out how to go to the doctor. If they would just do the test and tell on paper that the test shows it is cancer then she could get help but until she has something saying it has been shown from test they won’t give her help for anything that she needs help for. I have been trying to help her figure out how to get help. They sent her home with enough medication for the weekend and told her to get to someone right away. The medication they gave her to get through the weekend if $300. I don’t know how they think she can get that when she is telling them she don’t have the money and needs help. Even when they kept her for a week they did nothing for her but give her medication and fluids. Told her they were going to get some test she needed done taken care of to help her and did nothing. New doctors and things came on told her that they were not going to do nothing for her but get her feeling better and send her on her way. They couldn’t help it if she can’t get help to see a doctor. She has had health problems for a long time and bad ones for her age. If she had treatment maybe able to work and be doing better than what she is right now but since she has had no help she hasn’t been able to work and now worse than ever. They told her she probably has a year to live if she don’t get the help.

Cancer just sucks and it is hitting everyone I am close to and hard. I have all this stuff that they have told me for over a year now to get checked out and see what it is. I haven’t been to the first doctor for it. I was going to go when I had problems with my face swelling and hurting. I figured once they took care of that I would go from there and work on getting everything checked. I have gotten no where with that and no one wants to help or seems worried about it. It was a huge run around for nothing. I feel like why even try with the rest because it will probably turn out to be the same. And I am back to do I really even want to know? Would I rather just not know and live life. If I find out where do I go from there just forget it and live life, get treatment or what. Do I tell my family because I don’t really want them to know but then maybe the kids should know but why tell them and make them worry when there is no need to right now. If I tell the rest of my family they are going to be asses about it and push for what they want and they are the only ones that know and the doctors don’t know and you need to do this, do that, find a different doctor ask the them for this and that and not getting treatment isn’t an option with them. so it will be more stress and fight than anything else if they knew. Because I wouldn’t do what they wanted they be trying to force me into it talking about it all the time and I’m sure take the kids.

I need to figure out what I have to do next week and decide if I am going to go to the doctor or not since I missed going last week.

et cetera
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