{August 16, 2016}   Seem’s to be Getting Worse

A while back I told you all I thought something was wrong in my post Don’t Know What is Wrong With Me. I still have not been to the doctor yet, the kids are all just getting back in school tomorrow and on a normal time frame instead of short days. I am really thinking that I need to call in the morning and get in to be seen as soon as I can. I know that the way things are is not right, I know that this in not normal for me and I know it is a lot worse than people think. I know they think it isn’t as bad as I am saying or laugh oh your getting old, forgetful or something like that. It isn’t that I am just forgetting things.

Like I said before I can sit here and read my class stuff two or three times before I know what I read. If I write something or type something I go back and read it to make sure it is right and half the time I have left out words all through it. I had to send an email to one my professors toward the end of my class about work I missed. There was no reason I should have missed it, the night it was due I went to do my work and turn it in. I knew I had not done it, but when I got to the class and looked it up all my work showed done. I was like no I didn’t do the work this week. I looked and looked at the date checked to see if there was something I needed to go back and fix or what, nothing. I said well that’s good I forgot I turned it in already I can have a break tonight watch the movie with the kids.

Later I am looking at grades when they are posted and it shows 0’s for two or three things I didn’t turn in that week. I looked and I had not done them, hadn’t even clicked in and looked at them. I had the wrongs weeks worked pulled up and even with looking at the dates didn’t see that I was on the wrong date. I should have known as soon as I looked at it that it was the wrong week. I went to email her and ask if I could still do them and turn them in even if she took credit off. I put the subject in and then typed my message and sent. Later I looked at it and had to read it for something. I was so shocked and embarrassed, it wasn’t even readable what I was trying to say or ask just about. I am truly not sure how she knew what I was saying or trying to ask her. I have never sent an email like that and not to a teacher for one of my classes.

The other night when cleaning I was looking on line to see when they were going to have the local kids sale. I thought I might take some stuff and try to sell it there if my yard sale didn’t work out. I looked and looked on line and found it and seen that it said it was that week and I missed it. It was the one that was farther away from me and I wanted information about the one that is closer to me as well. I decided to ask on my page on facebook. I ask if anyone knew when the Fall sale over close to me would be or if they had it already. I then said how I looked up and only see information for the one that was farther away from me and that I had missed it since they had it this week. I tagged a lady I know that works at them a lot of times and helps out. I even said to the kids and Father of the Year that I was upset I missed it because I wanted to list some things and I probably could have found some clothes for the kids. In a little bit the lady I tagged, tagged me in a post for the sale. The same one I had read 3 or 4 times and was upset over missing. I started to say to her it had already passed. Then I read it again and figured out that it had not pasted it is almost a month away. I read it wrong and was reading it as being this month. I read it over and over to start with because I was trying to figure out how I hadn’t heard anything about it and missed it.

I know on him sometimes things are missed spelled, left our or not perfect but this is way different and worse than that. Most times when I am on here it is the middle of the night and I am trying to get things off my mind so I can sleep. Then I start to fall a sleep in the middle of some of them and wake up and try to pick up where I left off. But it is different than that kind of thing.

Just like not liking my planer for school because it is different I can’t even tell you what is different but I just remember it being different. I am all the time trying to say one work and another comes out, tonight I was stuttering when me and my oldest went to the store. I have never stuttered in my life. I could not get what I wanted to say out I kept stuttering and trying to find the words I wanted to use.

Now I am scarred I don’t know why it happen or it happen just now when it did, because the thought has never crossed my mind before. But I was just sitting here thinking about it and thinking I really want to go to the doctor about it and things. All of a sudden this chill came over me and the thought it sounds like brain cancer went through my mind. Never ever once since this started happening did I think it was something like that. I just thought it was from the accident. I don’t know why I want to go to the doctor but I just have this overwhelming feeling that I need to go to the doctor about it right away lately. Even though I really don’t think it is anything that anything can be done about, I have just felt I needed to go and talk to them about it find out what was damaged or what when we were in the accident and if that would be why I am this way. I never thought I would find out it could be something worse. Now I want to go but I don’t want to go. I don’t know what to do or think. It brings up a lot of thoughts and questions and decisions and thoughts of how it would affect me and the kids and everything. The question of do I really want to know now or do I just want o forget about it and keep moving forward.

I feel kind of sick or ill. The thought about my post Moody and Shifting just popped in my head and that maybe that is why I feel such a big change is happening or going to happen. Because if they said I had something like that it would change a lot of things and a lot of people would be affected and it would be really bad for my kids.

Why did I have to have that thought and think of my post along with all the rest of my thoughts? I wasn’t even going to write this post and couldn’t decided if I had or hadn’t all ready. Then I found my other and still felt I needed to write something and wrote this one. I was going to write it when I sat down the write the first one I posted and wrote something else. Then I decided to do it the second time and didn’t. I was going to bed after the second one and just couldn’t I had to write more and now this is what I get from it all. I just don’t know what to think.


{February 8, 2016}   A Year Already

It’s hard to believe you have been gone a year already, some days it seems like just yesterday I was talking to you and we were out doing something with the kids, other days it seems like it’s been forever since I talk to you, gave you a hug or seen your face. Seeing your face every time I think about seeing you I think about the last time I seen you. Holding your hand, wiping your face and telling you how much you meant to me, how much I loved you and was going to miss you. Telling you that everything was going to be ok as you took your last breaths. standing numb and speechless as they prepaired you before they took you out and holding the door watching them put you in the van and drive away. Knowing I never see you again, I can’t tell you how many time I have picked up the phone to call you or been driving through town by your house going somewhere and thinking how I use to come pick you up on my way to where ever it is I’m going.

So much has gone on and is going on right now it sure would be nice to have you around. Someone to talk to someone for advice. Now I have all this medical stuff going on and I’m scared. I feel so alone and really have no one that I can or want to talk to. You know how mom is and all her problems and just wants to tell you what to do and knows it all about everything. The only one I really talk to all the time any more is my friend J and her husband but we aren’t as close as we use to be and now she has everything going on with her family and moving away. She don’t have time to listen to me or my problems.

No one has even said anything about to day or what today is or ask how I was or if I needed/wanted to talk. It’s been a really off day all day. I haven’t felt like doing anything all day but just lay around and being 100% lazy. That is all I did too. I took the kids up got them pizza and brought it home for lunch and ran to the store to get noodles for dinner that is all I did today. That’s as close to being productive that I have been at all. I didn’t even really think about what the day was until late this evening. I have thought about it a lot this week but just today I didn’t really have anything on my mind, maybe I was just trying to block it out and not think about it. I don’t know, I thought about losing the key to the gun cabinet and things tonight when I was sitting there next to it, that’s when I thought of it really being today that the day was here. Don’t worry I found the key. It wasn’t really lost I just thought it was a key to something else and put it away and forgot about putting that key away.

The little’s are kind of in a funk today to, they have been stuck to me like glue all day. Sitting on my lap at the computer laying on the couch with me when I moved over there. Little bitty followed me to my room and climbed up here and laid down in my lap between me and the computer when I first sat down here. She later moved and laid here on the bed next to me and talk to me for a while. she went to find her blanket and other things she has to have to sleep with. I think she must have decided it was to much to drag everything in here and just went to sleep in her bed because she didn’t come back. but she has been extra loving and cuddling the last few days her and my little guy both.


I played on the computer for a while my little ones got up on my lap and say with me for a while. I moved from there to the couch and laid down they followed. They have been stuck to me like glue today. My little one is still up with my as late as it is. I came to my room to get ready for bed and write a little and in no time she was laying in my lap. Now she is up wondering around the house in the dark trying to gather all the things she needs to go to sleep and piling them in my bed. I ask her didn’t she want to go get get in her bed and she said no sat down beside me.

It bothers me she isn’t going to get to know you more and like the rest of the kids did. I show her pictures and we talk about you all the time. I seen her move her foot around and loot at it and she has put it in my hand or showed me her toes a few times. Like she would stick her foot out to you when you were sick and she would come and sit with you. She remembers you always grabbing her toes and playing with her toes. Sometimes I find her standing in front of the cabinet looking at the urn just talking away or holding up something to it and talking a way. I don’t know what y’all are talking about but she just goes on and on.

10/24/1954-02/08/2015 R.i.p. Daddy Cancer Sucks

{December 29, 2015}   Not Sure I Want To Know

A while back I posted about how I ended up in the ER, because I was in so much pain and feeling so sick. I still haven’t followed up with any doctors to have farther testing or anything. I haven’t had a way to. Now I am working and trying to get insurance so that I can. At the time I was truly At A Lost For Words. Since I started this job and have been looking for insurance and been thinking about what doctors I need to see and what kind of plan I need to get I’m not sure I even want to follow up with anyone. The more I think about everything I really just feel like I would rather just forget it and go on with life as normal.

I keep thinking if I go in and they find something it is going to be a blur of doctors, test, treatment, not being able to work or do anything. I will have to have someone live with me or live with someone and depend on someone to take care of me. Who is really going to do that? My mother who has a list of problems of her own and trying to take care of my grandma and possibly my grandpa in a few weeks after his heart surgery? There is no one else and god knows I don’t have the money to pay someone. I can’t ask friends they have their own lives and families to deal with. My sister has her kids and family to take care of, don’t drive and has no room to take on me and my kids to take care of as well. There is no way she could handle it either. I don’t know what any of them will do I am the only one that drives other than my mom but she don’t go more than two or three miles from her house. I couldn’t even get to doctors or anything like that.

I know they could find it and treat it or do whatever and everything turn out just fine and not get that bad. I keep thinking about our friend Mike Got A Miracle and how good he done for so long even though they only gave him months or less to live. Or my doula I had with my third baby who just battled breast cancer and finished her last treatments right before Christmas and is cancer free. Who had some problems but not near what she could have had. But all I keep thinking of is my grandpa, aunt and most of all my dad who suffered but not long at all and who went very quickly. I just keep thinking how quick it went how it wasn’t treatable for him. I wonder even if it is treatable for me what if it starts to spread faster once they do the test to even see if it cancer like it did with him. I really do think that them doing the test to see if or what kind of cancer opened it up and let it spread very fast through out his body. I wonder if they had just said it’s cancer because they pretty much knew it was by the size, the other things they found and it being in so many places if he would have maybe lived a while longer and been able to do things as normal for a while maybe just needed meds to help him be able to eat keep from being sick or what.

I keep telling myself if it is a tumor they can take the uterus out no big deal I don’t care I’m done with it anyway. I am not having anymore kids. But then are they still going to want or need to do more treatment and the fact I have to go through that surgery. I am not ready for surgery of any kind for any reason. Not that anyone is but it is one of my few things. I do not want to be put to sleep and cut on and anything removed for any reason. I don’t want to be cut on and anything removed while awake either. Just like when they told me I was going to have to have a c section when I had my second, I told them he could stay in there I wasn’t doing that. Thank god it didn’t end up being that way because they really would have had to knock me out not just give me pain meds. I would have been a mess forever before it ever happen. I just had my mind made up it wasn’t going too and never thought twice about preparing myself for one.

I hadn’t really thought about not finding out when they told me. I was worried about figured I would get it checked when I got around to it or could. Then the other day at work I was talking to the guy that worked with me and some how cancer, my dad and things came up and it hit me. Why am I going to find out? Why do I need to know? Why can’t I just live life as normal until I can’t anymore? Just like I had always said I wouldn’t want to know if I did have something. I guess maybe that is one reason I really hadn’t been to worried about going. I knew I needed to but was just waiting for the time to be right and to have insurance and things in place. Maybe I just wasn’t worried about it or in a rush because I really don’t want to know. I figured I would have to deal with it sometime in life but I surely didn’t think it would be anytime soon. I figured I would be older my kids would be grown. I really wouldn’t want to go for any farther testing then either. To hear it just a few months after every thing that just happen with my dad.

I guess I have a lot to think about and decide. My mom is pushing me I need to get it checked I haven’t told her I didn’t think I was going to yet. I just keep telling her I know I am working on it and trying to get insurance and doctors. I have one doctor I know for sure I am going to go to if I decide to go. I have to find a general doctor to go to and then a few others I need to see if I decide to go. Right now I don’t even want to think about it but it is the only thing I have thought of for days. The next few weeks are going to be hard to get through that is for sure.

{August 8, 2015}   Can’t Find A Doctor

I called around today to find the doctors they told me I should follow up with when I was in the hospital Monday. None take my insurance, I called to go to my family doctor but it has been forever since I went to her. Mainly because it takes forever to get in to see her even if you get there before your time. I don’t have 3 or 4 hours to sit and wait to see a doctor with 3 kids in tow. I called the office closes to me and they just gave me a run around. They said I had to come in sign a release for them to get my medical records from the doctor I seen over 2 years ago when I was pregnant. That is the only thing I went there for and she treated me for nothing else. I never even went back for follow up after I had the baby. But they wouldn’t see me until then.

I hung up and called their other office they said I was not in the computer as being seen there but their records do not go back more than two years. It has been at least 4 or 5 since I went last time. I hadn’t needed to go really. She said I would be considered  new since I hadn’t been there but they would take me. But then she told me that she couldn’t get me in until like the middle of next month. I told her what was going on that I was worried and ask if maybe her husband had a opening. She told me they had a group of new doctors in with them and there were about three other ladies there now not just the two of them. I ask her if she could get me in with one of the ladies. I don’t care of her husband but figured he could at least order the test.

She couldn’t get me in before the 27, but I am going to call next week see if they had anyone cancelle and if I can get moved up. But if not then I will go when they gave me. She said that I can have them write the orders for the test and then get the test done the first of the next month to get things straight with my insurance for the month then go back to see what they say about them and see if or what we need to do from there. I just hope this is a good doctor and will order the test and things for me. I wanted to see my doctor because she use to practice ob/gyn, deliver babies and everything. I figured she would at least know what to do about the uterus and the right test and if it was something to worry about or not. I figure at this point I will see this doctor get her to order test and if she isn’t sure I am sure she will probably check with her or ask her to check with her. Then when I have to go back ask to see her then.

I also ask her if they would help me find a doctor to go to for the other or at least get the test ordered and done for me and then help me find someone if need be. She said to talk to them they would take care of it make sure I got what was needed. I hope so. I have been seeing her off and on since I was little and she is really busy but she knows her stuff. I just feel better having someone that works with that kind of thing all the time and knows a little more about it as it is what they do all the time. Than her who studied it some probably but not her main thing. I guess we shall see what happens. I just hope it is all nothing to worry about but worried it is with family history.

I’ve been trying to take it easy not lifting or bending a lot as it really hurts if I pick to much up or bend over and mash things in there. My little one keeps wanting to climb on me and lay on me. I have to keep telling her she has to be careful and can’t lay on my belly it hurts. She don’t understand she just wants to be close to mommy.

{August 4, 2015}   At a Lost For Words

The last few days have been unproductive because I have been in so much pain and not feeling good at all. Let me start by saying the last 6 months or more I have had a lot of pain in my lower abdomen, mostly if I bend over sit to long and get up or if one of the kids hug me to hard or lean on me. It will double me over at times when touched. I have next to no insurance and have a horrible time finding a doctor that takes it and if I do I have to wait for 3 or 4 hours to be seen even with an appointment so I just don’t go.

On Sunday evening I went to drop the rent check in the drop box at the office so they would have it when they opened Monday. I got half way there and got so sick and was in so much pain I didn’t even know if I was going to make it home. I felt like I was going to be sick and the pain was as bad or worse than lobar pain. I finally made it home, the sick feeling eased off but the pain was still there. I was able to lay down and sleep so that is what I did. I could have father of the year sit with the kids but had no one to drive me to the hospital I didn’t want to drag the kids in and out to take me pick me up.

Last night I still didn’t feel good and the pain would easy up then get bad again so I had him sit with the kids and took myself. Of course when I got in there they thought it was my appendix so they wanted to do a scan and all that. They gave me this huge cup of stuff to drink to make everything show up better then injected other stuff into my IV and did about 8 scans in the cat scan machine.

They came back and said it wasn’t my appendix at all it looked great. I was happy but not ready for what she told me next. She said they found a tumor in my uterus. She said you can get cyst and fibroids but this is’t like that it is a tumor. But only about 1% end up being cancer or turning into cancer. But you need to follow up for more testing to make sure. But then when I left they put on my paper work that it was a fibroid so I have no idea what is in my uterus.

Then she said your bladder’s outer walls are thickening. She wouldn’t go into much detail and kind of just said it was like that and went on. Where with the uterus she talked about how it wasn’t to much of a risk of cancer and things. Looking it up it don’t look like its good at all.

She did say I have a UTI but when they did my blood count and all that it all showed great and no bad infection. She said she didn’t think I have had it very long and din’t seem to think it was from that.

Now I don’t know what to think since the told me one thing and put something else on the paper about the uterus. I’m worried about all of it seeing as my family has a history of cancer. My grandpa had it all over his body and in his bones when he past. Then with my dad finding out it spreading so quick and him passing so fast. I have to find doctors to see me and hope they can get me in right away because of the way my medical coverage is. I am really just at a loss for words right now.

{February 17, 2015}   Relay For Life

I have seen they do these around my area every year I knew it was to raise money for cancer research. I always thought it would be neat to do one but most the time when I find out about it its to late to really raise money or get involved. I don’t know what made me think of it the other day but I did and I looked it up. There is going to be one the end of April in my area. That give me time to get a team together and start raising money.


I don’t know a lot about it just what I have been reading on line. Me and my sister want to do it in memory of my dad and grandpa, our grandpa and two aunts who have all passed a way of some kind of cancer. But since neither of us have ever done it we are figuring it out together as we go. So far I think besides me and her we have 3 other people who say they will be there. I just hope they really show up. So far I have no one that is staying over night with me. I may end up being the only one out there over night. I did ask my good friend if he wanted to come spend the night with me I think he may come for a little while don’t know if he will make it the whole night or not.

Right now I am trying to come up with a team name and theme so I can get us signed up. I think this might help me along this new journey and in healing. relay1

{January 26, 2015}   Angry, Mad, Sad, Selfish

I understand my little guy being angry his grandpa is sick and not going to get better. I go back and forth how I feel as well.

I am very angry sometimes, other times just mad and upset. I sit and think, Why my dad? why now? Why so young? Why while my kids are so young? Why can’t they grow up with their grandpa like I did? Why him when he helps everyone and dose so much for everyone? Why him and not someone else? Why not some of these people who have done nothing but cause problems or try to cause problems for us? Why someone who cares so much and tries to do as much as he can for anyone who needs it? Why this way? Why dose he have to get in the shape he is in not able to take care of and do for himself? He is such a strong person hates to ask or need anyone to do for him? But now he can’t do anything for himself hardly.

I think its my dad I feel like it’s one of my kids almost. I can’t describe how I feel. Such a void just a large empty spot. It isn’t right it isn’t fair. I feel like he is just leaving me I know he isn’t I know this sure isn’t what he wanted. I know he sure don’t want to be this way and didn’t chose to be. I know he don’t want to leave us. I know it has to be killing him thinking of the kids and things. I know he don’t want to go. No one wants to go like that.

I don’t think anyone wants to know they are going to go. It’s like just sitting and waiting to what not wake up one day? Sitting and thinking about what it is going to be like, what you are going to be doing if you are still able to do anything and know what’s going on, wondering if it is just going to be painless and quick or if its going to hurt or be drug out some how. It isn’t even me and these are things I think of so I can only imagine what he must be thinking. It kills me knowing he is sitting there feeling who knows what and thinking who knows what. How do you talk to someone about something like that? He can’t hardly talk now it is so hard to hear him. I have to put my head on his shoulder and really strain to hear what he is saying. I know that drives him crazy and one reason he don’t say more. So then he is just sitting there staring around thinking who knows what unable to talk. He just kept laying there holding my hand and rubbing my hand the other night. He said a few things here and there. I know he is thinking about what is going to happen to everyone and all when something happens. He keeps bring up the insurance and things to me. I know for him to bring that up so much he is thinking about us with out him.

Then I think to myself how selfish of me to feel the way I do and think the things I do. I’m 34 years old I have had my dad in my life for 34 years. He has gotten to see me graduate high school, finish my school for massage therapy, help me buy my house, help me do work to it, see all my kids and watch them grow up to different points, came and spent time with me and the kids. Bought the kids their bikes helped them build their bunny a cage. Just anything and everything you could think of really.

I think about a friend and her kids. She lost her husband almost 4 years ago Mike Got A Miracle. Her kids one wasn’t even in jr high and the other one may have been in 6 Th grade. They are missing out on all the things I got to do with my dad. He isn’t there for their school stuff, he isn’t going to be there to walk her down the aisle for her wedding, see their kids or any of that.

Then I feel selfish for feeling the way I do about my dad. I think how am I going to do this without him. He is the only person in my life that I can go to talk to and not be judged or told what to do. He don’t get mad about whatever we decide to do or throw it in your face if it don’t turn out like it should have or like you thought. He was just there to listen and give his take if you asked for it and to help how ever he could. He was my go to rock. But I think it is normal to feel that way whatever age you lose your parent or whatever age they are when you lose them. Look how young her dad was when she lost him. He was probably about the age I am now. He was a few years older than me maybe a little more.

I think about all these kids who suffer and fight this battle and lose. How young they are and that they didn’t even get a chance to really live life at all or do anything really.

It don’t matter who it is, how old they are, how old you are, when it is it just comes down to it sucks. Dealing with cancer and death sucks no matter how you look at it.


{January 26, 2015}   Going Home

My dad is going out of the hospice house sometime between now and 12 so that he can go to the doctor. He is happy to be getting out but not to thrilled about going to the doctor. He said it is a waste of time but he is going to go anyway. He told me last night they think that this has went to his kidney. The said the day before the tumor is seems to be larger than than a few weeks ago so it seems to be pretty fast growing. My brother says they didn’t check the lung or the liver to see if it was cancer but I don’t know. They told me they did.

I have to go to the SSI office because the mail man has been horrible the last two months. I have been getting everyone’s mail buy my own. Thursday I got a letter saying they needed me to come in the office to talk to them about a paper I was supposed to have gotten and turned in to them in December. I don’t have the letter. The letter I got Thursday says I need to be there by the 15 and I got it on 22 nd. It was mailed out the 5 th so it has been floating around and around to who knows where until I got it. I said something over a month about about getting everyone else mail and the mail late the guy said oh you have a different mail man yours will be back in a few days or something. But we had a different one a while. I am not sure who we have now because I am not able to sit here and watch for them.

I have to go there take my big boy to therapy and then I guess go up there to see my dad. I don’t know if he has said anything to my brother yet about what we talked about the other night. I really hope he don’t until Wednesday. Then he can just give me what he wants me to have if he still wants to do it that way and I will take it home. There won’t be any fight why it is going on. If he gets mad about it later he won’t fight with my dad about it he will come to me and at least my dad won’t have to deal with it unless he says he don’t want me there any more. In that case I will probably have to go get my dad and bring him here. I need to work on getting this place all put together before then so in case we end up doing that. Because I don’t put it past my brother to call someone to come check my place out and try to keep him from being here. Or start with me over my kids. I’m not really worried about it because it because they aren’t going to do anything if they come say the call is unfounded like before but they have changed way they do things soI don’t know if they will close it right a way or if they will have to keep coming and checking before they can. I have nothing to hide I just don’t feel like having to deal with them. I got to get going get to the ssi office and hope I don’t have to sit there for hours with all three of the kids. I wanted to get out in time to go see my dad but He goes to the doctor at 1. By the time he got home I would have to leave to have the kids to their appointment by 5. I may just call and go up tomorrow. I feel bad he wanted me to come back up last night a while but I couldn’t because my little guy started that his broken arm was hurting him and we were trying to decide if we had to take him to the er. They said if he started having pain we needed to bring him back in. But I think he just tired and not feeling good over all and stressed. I needed to keep a eye on him make sure he didn’t seem like he needed to go so time through the night. Something is wrong with the van we got home last night and the break lights wouldn’t go off.

{January 7, 2015}   Daddy’s Bad Day

Sunday I woke up to a call saying that my dad was having a bad day and had took a turn for the worse. They said they found him down in his room again and he was a mess. They called the hospice people they came out and helped get him cleaned up and called for a hospital bed, oxygen, a table and some other things for him. They said that it had gotten worse faster than they had thought it would and that they figured it only be a week to a few days probably only a few days. I got the kids dressed and ready and took them to my friends house to stay why I went over to see what was going on.

I got there he was on the couch and they were moving stuff in his room for the bed and waiting of it to be brought. The hospice nurse was there and doing paperwork showing them how to give him meds.

I went over tried talking to him he would look around and little and shake his head and then just close his eyes. The nurse started telling them how to give him the morphine and Ativan. I wanted to know why they were giving the Ativan he didn’t seem like he needed it. They said to calm him down because his blood presure was up. He wasn’t fighting or trying to move around I didn’t like the idea but didn’t say anything. When he was in the hospital a few years ago that is what they put him on and kept him out for days. Then when they took him off and he started coming to he was really grouchy and nasty they had to give him something else to sedate him. I think the morphine would have been enough. I figured they were going to want to give him more in a little bit and I was going to tell them no. But they didn’t.

My grandpa came up to see him for a little bit. I went and got my mom and my sister they wanted to go see him because no one knew how long he was going to still know who people were or anything like that. When they said a matter of days the way he was I really figured everyone should come now and see him if they wanted too. I finally had to go over get the kids from my friends house and tell them what was going on and that grandpa wasn’t going to get better. That it was probably only going to be a few days. They just knew he had been to the hospital and wasn’t feeling good. I had apoinment with the therapest to talk to her about it on Monday and talk with them about it. But I didn’t want to wait and not give them a chance to talk to him and tell them what they wanted to tell him why he still knew who they were and things. He shake his head and stuff but he wouldn’t talk. Seemed like he had a really hard time when he would try.

They went over and went in to see him. My little guy don’t really understand any of it right now. He went said hi and told him he loved him and then went out to play. My big girl understands and she is pretty upset. She sat down beside his bed in the chair and he reach out for her hand she sat there and held his hand for a while. She told him she loved him and thank you for all he had done for her and gave her. He shook his head when she said she loved him like to say is back. My baby girl don’t have a clue really what is going on but when I was sitting by his bed she came and wanted on his lap. She sit there and just chatter a way or look at him. She singing something. I said she is singing for you daddy you hear her he look. I could tell he wanted say something but couldn’t he kind of had this half smile. She didn’t want to get down off my lap for anything she kept sticking her feet in the bars and I couldn’t figure out what she was doing. I said grandpa don’t want to smell your stinky feet she laugh. I was watching her his hand was there no one was holding it but he had it close to the rail on the bed and it was resting against it. She was trying to put her foot in his hand. She always grabs her foot and plays with it or tickles her feet and plays with them when he is over. Most the time she is sitting in the truck in her seat and he will grab them. She use to hold them up tell him stinky feet and things. She wanted him to grab her foot and play with her. She got upset when he wasn’t. I guess she seen him holding everyone else hand and things. I stuck her foot up where he could hold it he rubbed it she just smiled. She sat there for a long time just watching him and things.

I don’t know what they were all doing but everyone went out of the room there for a little bit and he was laying there with his eyes closed I gave him a hug told him how much I loved him. I told him I was sorry he was sick and that I understood why he decided to do things the way he did. That I was glade he was ok with everything and at peace with what he decided and that it was hard but I was trying to be ok with it too. I told him that we were sure going to miss him either way. He pulled a way a little and turned to look at me. He looked at me. It was odd he looked at me really funny. I asked him if he was ok he said yeah. I asked him if he wanted me to go out and let him sleep he said no. He wanted me to stay with him. At this point he was talking some but not to many words and not real loud they were low. I sat him up and I had been looking for the blanket I got him for Christmas to put over him he shook his head earlier that he wanted it when I asked him. They hunted and hunted around looking for it couldn’t find it. They kept saying he left it at my house I told them no he had not. So when he started talking some I told him I was going to put it over him but we couldn’t find it. He told me it was at his friends house. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t say anything. I feed him some soup and gave him some water he ate pretty good and drank a good amount of water. He said he wanted to sleep some more he was tired. I sat with him til he went to sleep and went out.

Everyone was getting ready to leave I was going to go and go back up the next morning and someone said something about staying so I ended up staying up there for the night to help if he needed anything and to be there in case anything happen. He got up in the night and wanted to go to the bathroom they got him in there. The next morning they made him eggs I went in to see how he was and he seemed more alert and things. They brought his eggs in and asked him if he wanted me to feed them to him he said no he wanted to feed himself. We moved the table over in front of him and let him eat he did pretty good and ate most of them. I sat in his room talked to him for a while then he wanted to get up and go outside. We sat out there for a long time he had a cigarette and things.  They sent a hospice case worker and nurse out to check on him. They asked him if he had a bad fall the day before he said no. They said you didn’t fall down? He insisted he hadn’t. I said then what happen yesterday daddy? He said what do you mean? I said if you didn’t fall then what happen to you? He said well that wall and ceiling fell in on me again. That is what he has been telling me since he was able to talk again when you ask him. I said oh ok I just wondered. The hospice nurse and worker just said oh ok and looked at me. I wanted them to know how he was doing. They are setting up for a CNA and things to come out check on him 3 days a week the nurse is going to come out one day and the worker is going to come out once every few weeks.

We started talking about it I wonder if he didn’t have another seizure that is why they found him on the floor such a mess. It has been about two years they have never figured out why he had them. They did take him off the meds for them about a year ago or more. It wasn’t the first he had he had one years before that and one many years before. They did test after test and have never found out why. They told him at one point it was from drinking but he hasn’t drank in over two years. He stopped drinking when my grandpa died just before that. I’m just happy he is having much better days since and it isn’t a matter of days for him now. My brothers step daughter was set to be induced on Monday. I told them when I got there Sunday I bet he waited for her to have the baby and come home so not to be surprised or shocked. He was kind of excited about the baby coming. But then he was doing so much better that night and the next day. He is doing pretty good today too. He is a little confused about things and understanding things but he knows pretty much what is going on. I think the biggest problem is he can’t hear me on the phone since his hearing has gotten so bad. When I am in front of him he don’t seem bad at all. I guess he isn’t really confused or not understanding me he just isn’t able to really hear me on his phone to well. But his hearing has been bad for a while.

He also has been sick for a while because when they moved stuff out of his room they found where he gotten sick in bags and towels and things and not said anything to anyone and tried to hide it I guess.

{January 2, 2015}   Not At All What I Was Expecting

I called my dads cell phone earlier and his friend answered so I talked to her she said she was going to be there for a little while. I told her I was going to feed the kids and come up then since she was there. I figured I would let them have time and this way everyone wasn’t there at once and then just leave him sit alone the rest of the day. I debated for a while on rather or not to take the kids up with me. After we got done eating I told them to get ready and took them. I figured it would brighten his day and I did’t figure he would be getting to go home any time soon. Probably not until at least Monday. Father of the year is off so I could have him go with us and he could take them out why we talked to doctors or if they got to rout y so I could talk to my dad and see him.

We got in his room the kids went over said hi and gave him a hug. I walked over gave him a hug. I turned around and the doctor was standing there. I hadn’t even stop and ask them to call her or anything. She wasn’t around when I came up and came by the nurses station and things. I think they seen me come up and called her to come in and talk with me. She looked at my dad and said I hear your ready to get out of here and go home. He said yes. She told him ok that it would take about 3 or 4 hours probably. I was surprised because they have done any and every test on him they can do and some of them I think they did twice just on different parts of the body. They have checked him from head to toe.

I told the kids to stay in the room with them and went in the hall to talk to the doctor. As we went out she said something about you know he is checking himself out and going home. I said no I didn’t and was going to say we weren’t taking him home he was going to stay there and do what they needed to do or wanted him to do for test and things. She said I they haven’t told you what all we talked about earlier and everything and asked if I had any questions. I told her no that I had just walked in and had not talk to anyone yet. I asked her if it was ok for him to go home. She said that is what he wanted and that they had talked about it in detail and things earlier.

She said went over how they found the thing on the lung, the things on the liver and the tumor in his stomach. Then she said that talking to the new doctor they brought on board after finding the stuff in the stomach and things they pretty much know that it is cancer. I guess by the way it looked on the test and the fact it is all over like it is. She then proceeded to say he isn’t treatable. She said that they could do some light chemo maybe some radiation. She said but it won’t treat it or get rid of it. It’s just to make him conformable. But then you have the side effects of the chemo so how conformable is he really going to be? She said they are going to send him home with hospice care. She said they would come in and help take care of him and make him comfortable. I asked her something and she started telling me hospice isn’t there something what they come in and do and things like that. I told her I knew that. I’ve been through it to many times before. Just not with my dad!!!!

Hospice care is not what I expected at all. I knew that he was sick and that is was more then likely cancer but I didn’t think that we were anywhere near ready for hospice yet. I knew it was going to be bad but I didn’t think it was this bad yet. I don’t know how I feel when she told me I couldn’t even go back in my dads room. I went back to the truck and tried to call my friend J. She didn’t have her phone her husband did so I couldn’t talk to her I called my mom and talk to her for a little bit and went back up.

I had father of the year take the kids to get a drink and stayed with my dad. We talked a little bit but not really about anything. He said he didn’t want to have the blood transfusion, chemo, to be on a feeding tube, put on a vent, i.v or anything else like that. He said he talked to them this morning (well yesterday morning now it’s after midnight now) he signed the paperwork to be cremated, the dnr paperwork and all that. Hospice is going to come in once a week right now and check on him. They said they would come help him bath and things but he said he don’t need them to do that right now. But they will come more often if and when he decides he needs them to.

He started telling me I was to get all his knifes and all his coins but that my brother was to get all his guns. He said I don’t know what to do with his van he bought. He said I guess it should go to you as well. The van really isn’t in bad shape but it dose need a few things. I really need something bigger than it but it wouldn’t be bad to have to run around in now and then or if something happen and my truck was to break down. I am really not to worried about it because I know that no matter what my dad says my brother will probably keep all the coins or go through them and keep anything that is worth anything. My friend J saying I need to have him make a will so that everything gets done the way he wants it to. But I’m not even going to bring it up to him. If he has one or dose one then that is fine but I’m not going to ask him to do one. I would like to have a few things of course but you know if he gives them to me when something happens fine if not it is on him what he dose. I’m not trying to get his stuff or just around to see what I can get. I just want to see him and spend as much time as I can with him. I like to have the stuff to give to my kids later when they are older so they have something of their grandpa’s that’s it. The coin collection is something me and him use to do together when I was small. I would get him some here and there and he has gotten a lot over the years even after I stopped really messing with it. It’s a fun hobby but it is a costly one.

I feel like I am walking around in a fog and I don’t know if or when it is going to lift. I bounce from just being here and doing what has to be done and trying to handle the kids and take care of them to breaking down. The kids haven’t been to bad but everything is just getting to me right now. I have to come up with a balance to handle it all and coping. I have to say this is up there with how I would feel if I losing one of my kids. My dad is the one person I am the closes to other than my kids. He is the one person that I can go to and talk to and he isn’t going to tell me what to do or what I should do or that what I am doing is wrong. He may or may not tell me what he thinks or how he feels about it other than that he just listens and lets me figure out what to do. He don’t try to tell me how to live my life take care of the kids or nothing else and he has helped me more than anyone. I don’t know what I am going to do when something happens to him.

I already told father of the year he needs to go to work tomorrow and tell them no matter what is going on how many calls they have that he needs to talk to them about something before he starts work. That he needs to tell them what is going on and that he could have to take time off here and there and that if and when something happens he is going to have to come home as soon as he is gotten a hold of. I figure they are going to say well we aren’t together and it’s my family and things. But like I told him if they do he needs to tell them that, that is his kids grandfather and my dad and that I am going to have stuff to take care of and he is going to be here for them not dump them with a sitter or something. I know I am not going to be in any shape to take care of my self much less anything else. He said he was going to we shall see. It will prbably be like everything else he will not bring it up until it happens and then he will just keep working like nothing is going on and tell me sorry I couldn’t get off. Tell the kids sorry I will be there when I can get there I have to work.

I am going to get off here try to get some sleep and stop rambling again. I am doing whatever right now to keep my mind on other things I keep going from just being here and trying to function to breaking down. I don’t want to keep breaking down and trying not to let the kids see me.

et cetera
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