{September 10, 2019}   Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Everyday I get into my car since running around with the kids over the weekend all I can think is, this is why we can’t have nice things.

There is tea spilled in my floor and lemon aid in my passenger seat. It smells like sour tea and my jacket needs washed. It isn’t as simple of cleaning the floor and the seat because the seat has a ton of things in it. Well I maybe exaggerating a little, but it seems like it. Seeing as my box of change is dumped in the floor from where something was spilled in it before. The best I could tell it was a bottle of water that was left in there and the lid came off. The bottom of the box got wet and the bottom fell out of it so it is now everywhere. On top of all the other things that they have left down there.

Don’t get me wrong they are great kids they really are, they could be doing so much worse at their ages. None of it was done on purpose. We went to the burger place to eat and they gave everyone to go cups. Mine was sat in the cup holder that had something in it so it didn’t sit like it should of. I thought the cut was one of the kids and they had picked it up when we got back in the car. I guess they didn’t and when we got where we were going I asked for my drink and figured out it was mine that they stuck there and it was now in the floor spilled everywhere.

Then we went inside and since we don’t have that many cup holders Mr. 13 sat his cup in the seat when he got out. Once we came back his seat was soaked. This I found he had split the bottom of his cup some how and it had leaked why we were in the two stores all over the seat. Since the car is so small there was no where else for him to ride, he needed something to sit on. You guessed it that is where my jacket came into play. He folded it up and sat on it. I forgot to  get it inside and toss it in the wash that night with my work things. I don’t get home early enough to do any when I get off. I grabbed a sweat shirt and just noticed it has something on it once I put it on at work. I guess it is stained it don’t normally wear it but around the house to bed or when it is cool. I cook and clean in it. Who knows what I got on it. It is almost 15 years old now that I think about it. I got this when we left for a hurricane when my oldest was less than a year old.

But I can’t help but think this is why we can’t have nice things when I get in the car. I keep having the thought of keeping my truck to run around in and to go to and from work in. Then use the car when me and the kids go places on the weekend and things. Instead of letting them mess it up too. But I got the truck because it is nice and would be a nice, decent, good lasting vehicle for us all. Isn’t that what we get things for or nice things for to use and enjoy? Isn’t that what happens to things when you use them and enjoy them, they get used, damaged, wore out or messed up? That is why we have to replace things after so long right?

Do you ever have a random thought that your mind latches onto and will not let go? It’s the tiniest thing and meaningless but for whatever reason your mind decides it is as important as the the $100 bill in your pocket. It keeps coming back to it scared your going to lose it or something.

That is what my mind has done this past week. Last week while driving I reach to get something and was driving with my right hand. It felt very awkward and was hard to drive and do what I was trying to do with my left hand.

At that time I thought hum that is odd, I am right handed but drive with my left and it is hard to drive with my right. I wondered why that was and I came to the conclusion that it was just the natural way I had trained myself since I am right handed and use it to do things. If I wanted to do something like grab my drink I would use my right hand leaving the left on the wheel and have just gotten use to it that way. I wondered if it was just me or if others were  the same.

I then went on about the rest of my day not giving it another thought, so I thought. But now since then my brain hasn’t let it go. I think it a dozen times while I am driving. It don’t matter if I am going to the store two blocks up the road or 20 miles to work. It comes up and I think about it over and over again until i get were I am going. Sometimes even while I am where I am going for a bit until I get busy with something else.

How crazy is that? Why is my brain doing this to me over something so meaningless?

So here we go since it is there and I am telling you about it what say you all?

Are you right handed or left handed?

What hand do you drive with?


  1. Right handed drive with the right
  2. Right handed drive with the left
  3. Left handed drive with the left
  4. left handed drive with the right

I know we all should be driving with both hands on the wheel but lets be honest we know that we all don’t drive with both hands on the wheel all the time so give us your answer. I find myself driving with both hands more now that I have this new car but I think because it don’t have arm rest like my truck did. I think the arm rest is also part of the reason I drive left handed. But I can remember driving left handed way back when I first started driving thinking about it more even when I didn’t have things to reach for or do. I drove left handed. I remember my aunt talking about how I held the wheel and drove and how awkward it was to her. I held the little part inside the wheel not the wheel its self. I don’t know I drive more like that now in my smaller car as well. But I had a little truck when I first started driving. handled a lot like my car. That is probably why. Okay enough I am rambling now it is random not rambling thought.

Tell us in the comments are you 1, 2, 3 or 4 my weird mind wants to know. Maybe it will drop it and let this thought go once it finds out.

{July 29, 2019}   The Storm That Took my Bumper

So Friday I left work two hours early to go to the ssi office, as soon as I went to leave it started pouring. The bridge right by work was backed way up that means an accident most the time. I decided to take the back road to the other side of town to take the other bridge over since it comes out a few miles from where I needed to go.

I got about a quarter of the way down the back road and the street was flooded I thought it was low enough I could get though, other cars were making it. I hit something halfway through. It stopped me at first then I was able to go. I figured it was a tree branch or something, with the rain and the windows fogging up I had a hard time seeing. I could see the cars behind me going around something but still couldn’t tell what it was. But figured it must be a tree or trash or they would of stopped and kept going as well.
I got to the other bridge and ended up sitting there for I don’t know how long because it was all backed up as well don’t know if it was just the weather or what was going on. The rain did end up being worse than I had expected it to be,, so it may have just been that.

I was lucky enough to get to the ssi office just minutes before they locked the door and closed. I left there and decided to go ahead and head to my night job and pick something to eat up on the way because the weather was so bad. I knew it was going to take awhile to get there. I went a few places trying to decide what I wanted to eat but I never got out because it was raining so hard. I ended up going through the drive through and going to work. I grabbed all my stuff and made a run for the door and went in once i got there.

In a little while I went outside to use my phone since it don’t work inside and it had stopped raining for a minute. I walked out and turned to walk over to the car. I will go out and lean against the hood or sit on the edge. The car looked a mess, The front was gone. The first few seconds I was like what the hell happen to my car? What did the guys do to my car? How did they do this? Why? at the same time I went it’s over on the back road. I lost it when I hit whatever it was. I was to far away to go look for it and figured I had already tore it up hitting it and that someone else probably had hit it by now it. It had been hours. I did what I had to do and went back inside.

When I got off I tried calling my sister and asked if she wanted to go with me to look for it. She was busy and her hubby wasn’t there from work yet. I went over to find it in the dark on this little two lane road with next to no street lights.

I thought I knew where it was but wasn’t 100% sure since it was raining and everything. Sure enough I got down in that area and there it was leaning against a street light. I turned around and pulled over so that I didn’t have to get out on the side of the road. I got out and grabbed it and put it in the backseat. I found a plastic piece I wasn’t sure if it was off my car or not so I grabbed it too. In a little bit my sister called and asked if I found it and got it okay. I told her I was on the bridge already headed home.

I messaged my good friend and asked if he was going to be at the shop the next day. He said him or his brother would be there. I said oh good I need someone to out my bumper back on for me. I went over the next morning and his brother was able to put it back on. It is on better than it was to start with probably. I am so glad he was able to put it back on because so much was exposed and I was scared to drive it that something would happen to something and it looked horrible.

I thought everything was alright until I started down to take the dog this morning. Now I feel this thumping under my feet when I start to take off from a stop or slow down and speed up. My friend says it is the cv axle probably. That is going to be another $150 or more. I swear I feel like I am on some kind of bad reality show that I haven’t been informed of. Oh well such is life I guess.

{July 11, 2019}   Other SUV’s vs. Mine

It has been hell trying to find another vehical, I have looked in 4 states trying to find something I want or would be happy with. The smaller and newer suv’s I just don’t like. I couldn’t figure out why.

The next one down from mine are nice I have had 2 in the past. But the new motors are horrible. They have problems, expensive to fix if they can be. Bff has had 2 and my friend with the car lot has one he put a ton of money into and still can’t get it fixed.

I figured out with the new suv’s most are smaller, hatchbacks and have one back seat. If it has a 3rd it is right against the back hatch. Even if you do not have the 3rd seat there is next to no cargo room if you don’t put the back seat down. You can’t with kids in the car.

In my truck I have enough room behind my 3rd row I could put a 4th seat back there, so lots of cargo room. I have it without folding seats or taking them out or losing seating. If I need more I can take one or two seats out or fold them and have a ton of cargo room. I have had a washer and drier in my truck and still had room I could put other stuff.

In the new ones I lose 2 to 3 seating space and still don’t have cargo room without folding the seat down again how do you do that if you have kids. I would be happy if I just had room for me all 4 kids and one extra person if they wanted to go.

I decided I would rather have a 4 door F150 or F250 with bench seat in the front and back. Then I would have seating for one extra person and cargo room. Best of all I wouldn’t have to always be putting seats up and down.

But finding a truck with 4 full doors that is in good shape inside and out and decent miles is impossible with the money I am working with. Even another truck like mine with a different motor is hard to find at a decent price and they are 2005 or older since they stop making them.

Everything is trashed or has 200,000 miles or more. Or they are both.

{May 20, 2019}   Ford Ranger vs. Ford Taurus

I haven’t been around I have been busy and car shopping. I have looked a lot on line and there is nothing!!! Me and the girls went Saturday all over and there is nothing.

I stopped in to see my friend at the car lot next to where I did bail bonds. He didn’t have anything. We talked for awhile. He said all these states north of us that flooded lost use of a lot of cars and are coming down here to get them and take them up there. Mostly trucks and that is what I am looking for. A little Ranger.

A few others told me the same and that a lot are being snatched up and exported out of the country. They said the ones they can get they would pay more than what they could sell them for.

Mr. Auto finally met me today to show me the car he picked up. It is a Ford Taurus of all things. It is the ses I think it said. I know Ford cars are known to have nothing but issues. I test drove it with the kids. The little ones were not sure what to think. They never been in a car really. But they like it. Oldest said she liked it better than the Ranger we seen Saturday. It is nicer, its newer and of course has more room, it is just a base line truck vs. a newer loaded car. We know that all don’t always mean anything but kids just see “nice”.

Mr. 8 says well it is nice, it needs 2 tires, it has air, the windows work, the breaks work, it goes, it’s nice I guess. He didn’t see the Ranger he didn’t go with us. He said if it didn’t need tires we should probably get it if he is selling it cheap. I told him he was putting two tires on it before I bought it. He said okay I guess we should get it and get a truck later.

Oldest wants to get it and says it has more room than the truck it is nicer. But she don’t get we are not worried about room because it is not going to be the car/truck that they are all in most the time. We are going to have a family vehicle.

My friend J’s hubby said it seems the best of what I have seen and found so far if I have to pick out of something that I have seen and get it right now. He said get it keep it until school gets ready to start back and unload it because so many people are going to be looking for cars for their kids and thing to go back to school. Get it for $1500 sell it for double. But I talked to more people the last few days and they all say stay away from it far away from it don’t touch it. I feel the same way, from the time I seen it but was thinking hum maybe, but it just don’t sit right with me I think I am going to leave it alone.

Sunday when I stopped and talk to my grandpa, my aunt told me about an auction that two people she knew went to and both bought really nice cars for $400 and like $1500 I think. They were nice newer good shape lower mileage cars.

Of course this got me to thinking and I decided to look it up and see what this was all about. I found it. It is north of me up where my dad lived but it isn’t far from me. They have their list of everything they are going to be selling and the next one is this Saturday. They don’t really have anything that I am looking for as of yet. But two things caught my eye. Two police Crown Vic’s. One is a 2009 with like 128,800 miles while the other is a 2007 with 140,000 miles on it. The light bulb went on, these are cars that are popular in my area. If I could get them for $400 like she said her friend got hers for or even if I paid $1000 each for them, I could turn around and sell them for no less than $4000 each probably. Make a profit of $6000 to $7000 and have the money I started with back to go get my little truck and take the profit and get my family truck. Then take what I have of my tax money left after paying everyone back and go to the next one and try to find a few more to sell. They have travel trailers, lawn mowers, 0 turns, trucks, cars, property even. If I could get a few and flip them That would help me get on top and money in the bank quick. Right now I want the two police cars and hope that no one shows up and bids against me. I will tag one and drive it. I will just drive it until it sells. I am going to keep my truck so that I can go back to it until I get something to replace it or get my little truck I am looking for. This would work so well for me.

I am supposed to go look at a little Ranger tomorrow but I don’t think I am going to want it, it is older and has kind of high miles. I but I am going to go talk to the guy and look at it, see how good it has been taken care of and things. I don’t have my money yet so I will just tell him I don’t have my money I am looking and that I will let him know. I have to tell Mr. Auto to go ahead and list his and try to sell it I am going to have to pass because I just don’t think it is a good idea like they are saying.

Sitting here at work thinking about and for some reason a flood of three conversations that were had here at work came rushing into my thoughts out of no where. One me and Pops had maybe the same day or just a day or two before the other two. They were had on the same day. Me and Pops was talking about different people being on drugs and things like that. His daughter has a problem too. We were talking about how they think they have everyone fooled and no one knows they work and do this or that and that they are functioning addicts.

The other was a conversation that me and Bff had one day I was here at work, I was talking to her on the phone. The guys were here and they heard me tell her that who and what we were talking about I didn’t even want to talk about because it just made me to mad and that I didn’t want to see that person or talk to her if I did it wouldn’t be good.

Later we were here and the one ask me about it and if everything was alright or what. I told him yes it was just this girl that we knew and how she was doing her kid and can’t or don’t take care of him dumps him and things like that. He asked me who she was he said it sounded like someone he knew of going through the same thing with a baby. I told him he said no her name is whatever but she is having same kind of problem or what.

For some reason these three conversations all came flooding back to me just now sitting here. I thought yeah because they are functioning addicts. Then I had the though are they really functioning addicts if all they have going for them is they have a job? How functioning does one have to be to be considered functioning or low or far gone does one have to be before they are just considered addicts?

I mean if you have a job but that is all you have, other than that your sleeping on couches and staying here and there or where ever. Are you really functioning?

The other I don’t know what you would consider her, she isn’t even functioning if you ask me. She can’t keep a job, always fighting with her family and getting kicked out, this guy in and out and running around with this one and that one. The only thing she has is she tries to play mom and fails horribly at that.

Then you have the other who works but I don’t know how much or how good she is at keeping a job. But she is on and off with her boyfriend all the time and dragging people in and out of her parents house all the time. She takes care of them and things so she is functioning more than the other two probably, maybe. I don’t know her good enough to make any kind of call really I have only met her once or twice I think. Just what I was told during conversations here and there.

So what is the difference in functioning addict and an addict?

{March 1, 2019}   I Messaged Him

Edited to fix what I said to him. Because for some reason it posted the wrong thing.

When I got off work I decided to go ahead and message him. I didn’t want to while I was at work because I wanted to be able to respond if he did. I didn’t yesterday because I was pulling in work it was swamped and it was all I could do to function much less think and respond to him.

I pretty much just said what I wrote in my other post………You know what why you want to pop off about 20?s i was just asking because I care not trying to start shit. You know what I had been doing the last few days since we got together? Trying to figure out how to get me new vehicles so that I could give you mine and trying to figure out a way for you to start saving money to get your license back. Figure out if i could help you find a different job how I could help you get to it and somewhere you could move to closer so that you weren’t so far away. So I want to thank you and tell you how glad I am you decided you just want to be friends before I spent time making it all happen. Maybe sometimes you should ask questions instead of being so with drawn and popping off about someone wanting to talk or ask questions. I wanted you to ride with me because i wanted to talk to you about all.

I just worded it a little different. I don’t know where he is staying the last few nights or what he is doing. I know if he is home he may not get it until who knows when because of service. If he is staying anywhere else he should of gotten it right away. He said he was going to be staying over here next to me this weekend working for a guy we know. Fixing the house he is moving out of. I don’t know if he still is or if he is there tonight. But he would of gotten it there too.

I don’t really think he will respond to it because there isn’t a lot he can say. Other than not to message him leave him alone or whatever. But it will be something he will think about that will stick with him. Maybe make him think about what he is doing what he is missing out on or what.

Like Bff said what was that comment about his kids? I said yeah I know. I said because he wants it but he is letting everyone get in his ear and in his head and he is self medicating.

I hope this don’t end badly with him what he is doing. I don’t want to see anything happen to him over all this. But if he keeps on I am scared what may happen.

{February 15, 2019}   If I Didn’t Waste My Money

The other night me and Little Bitty were laying in bed and she was being something else. I finally said look here you are not a princess and you are going to stop acting like it. Because that is how she has been lately. Like she is entitled to whatever she wants when she wants how she wants. And the being mean to her brother, the things she says to him and the way she treats him and then just like flipping a switch she is all nice and wants to play again. I told her all this is going to stop right now.

Well when I said she wasn’t a princess she came even more unglued. Is that possible? I don’t know but lord she freaked out she was the princess and I was going to buy her that princess car she keeps seeing at the store too.

I told her she was not getting that car even if she did act like a princess. This is a $400 power wheel car. I am not spending that kind of money on something like that. Surely not the way she has been acting I wouldn’t if I had it. I never said anything about money at all to her just that I was not buying that car.

She says to me if you didn’t waste all your money, you would have the money to buy me that car.

I had to catch myself and stop for a minute and get it together because that just went all through me in some kind of way. I finally in a second was able to ask her what she was talking about me wasting my money?

She said all the time when you go to the store always buying food. If you didn’t buy all that food every time we went to the store you would have the money to buy me that car I want.

I was still beyond mad but had to laugh a little. I know where the wasting the money is coming from and while I am mad at her I was more mad at the Bitch because that is the shit she says all the time. That I waste my money and in front of the kids and they don’t know and to little to understand right now. If I wasted my money who pays the rent and bills? Sine I am the only one paying them then where do I get all this extra money to waste and what am I wasting it on? Because other than my Wednesday night I am home or work. Everyone says it, you have no life all you do is work and home.

The fact that she said every time I go to the store I waste it on all that food we buy should tell you that the only time I go to the store is to shop for food and get the things they need. I guess I am supposed to just not feed them and use that money to buy them all the things they want. Oh the joys of being 5 and innocent.

Hell I seen a nice purse I liked while I was i there wasting my money making sure they had what they needed for today since they were off from school and I have to work 12 hours. I put it in my cart and was going to get it because I could really use one and a nice I haven’t bought a purse in a few years now and they were at the thrift store for a couple dollars. I ended up putting it back because I didn’t want to spend the $10 and I felt it wasn’t that great of a deal it was only marked down $4. I wouldn’t normally buy it I would wait to see if it dropped lower but it was the only one they had left like it. I thought I would go ahead and get it since I could use one and still put it back. I even put the $5 wallet I needed back. I was debating what one to buy since the one was cheaper.

I ended up buying two robes for $3 each and picked up a shirt for $3 that I liked. I got Big boy a robe because I figured he might like to have one he had one before and outgrew it he is older now. He may like to use it to go between the bathroom and bedroom instead of getting dressed in the bathroom but he didn’t want it once i got it home. I picked the other up for my Grandpa for his birthday in a couple months. It is nice and I would end up spending a lot more in a few weeks if I didn’t get it then. I figure I will take the other back or hang it in the closet and use it as a gift for someone else down the road.

I was just floored when she said that about wasting my money though. She has been giving me a rally hard time about everything and just being off the chain. I am to a point if her dad was in the picture I would of already told him he needed to come and get her for a couple weeks so I could have a break because I don’t even want to be around her anymore at this point. I hate to feel that way about my kids.

I know some of it is because I am the only one doing it all and we get tired of each other. I am sure she feels like I am always getting on to her more than anything. I know a lot of it is her age and testing boundaries, part of it is I am working so much and not getting to spend as much time with them as they would like. And the fact she wants her dad in the picture and he isn’t and she can’t talk to him or see him. I think she blames me for it or feels that I am keeping her from him.

I talked to the doctor about things the other morning while we were there and she said she is going to recommend her for counseling and gave me papers to fill out and one for her teacher to fill out. I am sure that between me and her teacher we are going to have two different papers because she is like a different kid at school and home.

{January 10, 2019}   Well I Finally Done It

I sold my first car lastnight. Shortly after I got there and the others left, I was sitting there listening to my podcast and this kid walks in. I called him over to my desk and ask if I could help him. I figured he wanted to make a payment it was dark after 6. He said he needed to find a salesman he needed to buy a car. I said started asking him questions to find out what I could do for him.

I found out it was his first car, he had $600 down. He is 24 this is his first car. I told him to hold on let me see what I could find for him. I went over to talk to Mr. Auto he hadn’t left for the night. He told me of a few and told me where to find them. He told me about a nice one told me to get the key and pull it around for him.

I did that set it all up and let him take it for a test drive. He came back he said he would like a little truck if he could but we didn’t really have any with what he had down. He ask about another i walked inside to see where it was.

Mr. Auto went inside to talk to the owner and T jr. stop me ask what he had and things then tells me not to waste my time we can’t do anything for him because he only has $600 down and don’t have the $310 for a tag so he really only has $300 down.

My understanding was we were going to work with him get hi. In a car and let him pay the money in pick up payments. He like no there is nothing we can do and walks out with me and tells the kid and his mom nope we can’t put you in anything come back when you get more money. While I am trying to take them to see a car. They say okay and go to leave. I tell them I’m sorry that I thought we were going to do it different. They were nice said they understood he wanted something but knew he would probably need more down. They got in their car and I went to put the tag away and file his licence copy i made.

Mr. Auto was in the office with Mr. T. They ask what happen. I told them what T jr. Did ran them off. Mr. Auto said no no no we were doing this and that. I said that is what I thought too but he told them different. He went out and stopped them, told them what we talked to the owner about and we could get them in something. They didn’t seem like they were going to park and stay we left them alone to talk. After we walked back inside they parked and stayed. He came in and was asking to see the other cars we were talking about. I took him back and showed him some.

He decided on the first one I showed him. We went in to do paperwork. Mr. Auto came over help me and help explain how his payments were going to work and everything to him. Mr. T came over and started running him off and T jr came to help me. I wasn’t happy about that but I wasn’t going to say anything infront of my customer. Took a bit but we got it all done.

I wasn’t a big sell, I didn’t make much but the kid got a car and he was thrilled about it. Every little bit adds up, like I told Mr. Auto later.

After that we moved stuff in locked up and got out of there, it was about quarter til 9 dead.

On my way home I called Mr. Auto I said what the hell was that tonight? He said what? I said T jr. with my customer? Running them off? He said oh that and laughed. I said oh no I’m pissed and I am ready to say something. I don’t care who he is owner’s son or not. What are they going to do fire me? I stay he does that I’m not making money, they fire me I’m not making money so either way I’m not making money. He said I know I tell him do not even talk to my customers anymore. He said he will do it every time.

I said he made the comment he don’t like those with so little down you make no money on them. I said that was what $60 give or take. I don’t know maybee it is nothing to him but hell that’s money in my pocket half a bill paid. I said maybe he can be picky and choose but I need the money and besides that those little ones add up pretty fast $60 here $50 there a $100 over there. It is better than nothing. He said I know I know thats what I say. If we help them good to them they come back, they bring friends and family you are making more because that’s another new customer for you and they are doing a little better more to work with more profit. He said he don’t see it like that he don’t know what it’s like to be out here and struggle just try to get by and things.

I said he is about to findout because he has pissed me off that is the 2nd one he has done that way. I said I will tell him real fast and his dad because he is messing with my money now and I don’t play when it comes to my money. I need mine to bad. He said yeah don’t let him do you that way and stand up say something. I said oh I will. I said you know what he put his name on my paperwork as seller I forgot to fix it. He said what? I said he came over was looking over it said don’t forget to put your name as the seller, then I looked over he put his on there and then took over the paperwork. Then was rushed out the door to go home when they left. I forgot to change it and fix it. He said oh no girl you sold that car we will fix that when you get there tomorrow. I said my name is on it in the computer and I sighned was all of his copies of the paperwork. I forgot because I did not even get to look at the paperwork to see what was done or why he took it away and took care of all that or I would of remembered and changed it. He said well we will tomorrow.

I thanked him for the help he gave me and told him what happen Saturday how they just walk off and every few seconds I had to go find someone. Then he ran them off. I said I still need someone to walk me through from start to finish with someone just sit back silent unless I ask let me get the feel and see how it is done. Because I have never been given that chance. I walk out here looking like I know nothing fell from some other planet 2 minutes before they got there. I have to keep leaving them every few seconds find someone to answer their questions for me then go back to them tell them now they have a question about that its just a circle. What could be a 3 minute conversation turns into a 23 minute one because of me chasing someone down begging for help then next time its someone different they tell you do this not this or that. He said yeah thats not right. He would help if he was there.

Because this guy tonight didn’t ask a lot of the things about it other customers would. And the one I helped with before wasn’t like a lot of them are either. There was a problem they didn’t speak english well so there was a 3rd person it was a mess. I know if someone help me through one without walking away every few seconds and then let me do all the paperwork on my own just check when I was done i be okay on my own. Heck I had to fight with T jr. tonight he couldn’t put the right amount in for the guys payment in. He was going to be over charging him two car payments on his first 6 payments. I argued with him he tell me I was wrong. I finally just said okay and started putting the dates and amounts in but only put in what it was supposed to be and did not add his payment to it. In a bit he was like oh I see what your saying now when I am about done with it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with him other than power trip wanting to feel important.

{August 19, 2018}   Just as I Suspected

Sleeping Beauty is not doing well. I he has been up and down a lot lately. With his birthday last week I figured it hit again. It already had a week or so before. I don’t think he is really getting through this one, I think it is the depression really trying to set in and hold on for a while. He does not need that.

I had not heard from him since last night, I messaged him a few times. I just said good morning and that I was sorry about last night. Us not being able to go like we had planned.

About 930pm I was sitting at work with nothing to do so I asked if he was okay? He answered back right away no. But he didn’t want to talk aboug it he was over all the shit. He will not say anything most the time that anything is wrong, he will just stop talking or we will talk some but I can tell by things he says or does things are not going good. Like him telling me he was going to hang out with the guy we use to work with all of a sudden out of the blue. I knew then something was up. I figured when he wanted to go to the beach we would talk. Even that for him to bbring up going I knew.

I said a few things he didn’t respond. I said something about packing everything leaving moving not telling no one he said he been thinking about it. From there we talked a awhile.

I locked up and went home at 11. I told him I was leaving had time to kill lets go sit by the river. He said it was late. I know they probably do not want them coming and going all hours of the night there. I had not thought of that.

He said something about needing something and I laughed. He like its not funny its been a long time.

I ask him why he had not found a women?

He said maybe because every fucking women out there is about the money.

I said sad but true and that he wasn’t the first to say that lately. That some friends have been saying the same.

Its bullshit and nobody knows what the word LOVE means.

I said nope its all about what can you buy me give me do for me. I think about how hard it has been for me the last year. I think what chance to my kids have at ever really meeting someone decent and being happy?

Yeah and everybody tells me why i cant get a place of my own and i tell them that u should talk bc their in a relationship wheres theres 2 people paying for shit.

I have heard this over and over again from girls, and even some guys talking about guys. I they don’t have a car, job, house, make 6 figures he not worth my time or he not worth your time. It drives me crazy.

I said I struggle to make it here. Only thing gets paid on time is rent. Everything else gets paid as i can and shut off notice come. I can’t help it. Im doing best i can.

Thats all u can do dont stop ur a good woman and a good mom.

I said everyone says my place is a dump how bad it is and what an unsafe area I live in. No my place is not the best its a house built in the 50/60s and not a lot has been upgraded but the floors. It could use a good going through. But it isn’t like its falling down unlivable or anything like that. Its a house like any other just a little old. If i had to move from here we would be homeless because rents are to high. Its good enough it has put a roof over my kids heads the last five years.

I need to find me a sugar momma. I laughed. He said serious.

All girls see when they look at a guy is car job house how much that job brings home. They don’t see a person.

Its not about all that its about the person, where they are in life, why do they have this, why don’t they have that, what are they doing with their life, are they trying?

Just seems people don’t get that relationships are about being partners helping eachother building together to make things better for both of you. Not finding someone to give you everything and never do anything.

He never seen them until the middle of the night and has not responded back. I figure as late as it was he fell asleep.

It is 737am i have been up since 630. My little ones tooth is bothering him again. Had to get him meds. They are supposed to pull it in the morning lets pray they can. I am going to try and sleep a few more hours before work. It was so late when I went to bed and I been up and down all night. I am shocked I made it through this laying here without passing out.

et cetera
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