{July 26, 2018}   Not In The Cards of Life

Do you ever feel that happiness wasn’t a card that was dealt to your pile of cards for life? Or that maybe you were given more fear, sad, or depression cards than happy? Maybe we were dealt the same amount of all our cards and we have dropped a few or used them out of sorts and used them up to fast. So now all you are left with are the sorrow or unhappiness. The cards of hard heartache and hard times.

I try to be positive, I try to believe that there is more than this and that things are going to get better. Like in my last post of meeting someone and just being a family. Or getting a decent job, being able to make bills and do things with the kids, be there for the kids and not have to worry about their dad being in the picture or helping. But then I feel those kind of things don’t happen to someone like me. That even if I find a decent job it won’t last they never do. Or what if I do meet someone or end up with one of the guys I have been talking to. It last for a while or a little bit. It won’t be a happy ending because something will end up messing it up. Feel that even moving won’t change much just a different area with the same struggle.

Or maybe like my friend said find someone decent and the struggles will work theirselves out. But even then is it going to last?

{May 14, 2017}   Happy Mothers Day 2017

The cake the kids baked and decorated for me today. My oldest baked it and the others told her what to put on it. My Big Guy wanted the letters to spell happy mothers day and of course Little Bitty wanted sprinkles. I bought the big thing with 4 different ones in it and let them have their fun.

They also gave me the gifts they made me at school and the one they bought me. 

The two little cups on the flowers are what the older kids made at school, face scrubs and the little cup to mix it in. The plant is what they all bought with their money.






















My Big Guy made me this poem with his hand print on it 

Little Bitty did an all about mommy page and a hand print flowers in a pot.


















































The big kids also made me cards

{January 17, 2017}   She Liked It

I was logging off to go to bed and thought of something I was going to post about earlier and didn’t. I had not told my family or anyone but a few friends that I cut my hair all off. Father of the year came over the other night to drop off money and seen it. That was it, I hadn’t heard from anyone else I don’t know if he said anything to anyone else or not. I figured if he did I would have heard something from my mom or my sister.

Today I got a phone call it was him wanting me to come outside for a minute. I went to see what he wanted and why he was here. It was him and my mom she brought $20 over and gave me. I don’t know why I told her I had all that I needed here and that I had a little bit of money left. I don’t want to borrow anymore from anyone unless I have to for something. But she did, I figured oh well that is fine but come Friday she can look at him for it back because I don’t have it to give her back and I am not taking it out of whatever he decides to give me. I have a water bill this week that has to be paid, rent that will be due soon and gas to buy.

When I walked out and over to the truck the first thing my mom said was turn around let her see my hair. So I turned around and showed her the side and back of it. She said oh I like it, it looks really good. I was shocked because she never has anything good to say about anything. She always finds something negative to say about everything or why she wouldn’t have done this or that. When I have talked about cutting it short in the past she always says it is going to make you look fatter. It will make your face look fatter. I could tell by the way she said turn around and let her see the back Father of the Year must have told her that I cut it all off. I can only imagine that conversation. I was surprised he said he liked it when he was here but that was all he said and ask when I did it or something. I just said Tuesday I was bored and wanted something different. He said oh.

I still think that him or my sister has said something to her about what I said Christmas about not putting up with no crap and telling her like it is or leaving or they have said something to her about me saying all she ever has to say is something negative about everything. Because she has been to nice lately or just not saying anything at all. Seems very odd to me and I know it isn’t going to last. I just find it interesting.

Oh and I know it isn’t going to last and she is trying because the other day, she said she lost her school ID. I told her to go get a new one so she could use her book voucher and get in to take her test. She said something about the cost and not having it because it and her bankcard and some others are missing. I said it didn’t cost anything and that if it did they would put it on her account and take it out of her aid money she is getting. She said no they wouldn’t or something like that and how much it was. I said well when I changed my name and got a new one they never asked for any money or even said it would go on my account. They just gave me a new one.

She started yeah I don’t know why you did that anyway that was stupid and thats not my kids last names and something else she started to say. I said yes it’s Little Bitty’s last name. She started about that I just shut it down and got off the phone. It don’t last long and it kills her when she is being nice I know and you can just tell by the way she says things and acts.

{January 16, 2017}   I’m Tired

so ends post for day two now on to day three. I seem to only have the one post for day three so day 4 will follow.

I’m tired, tired of hardly keeping the bills paid and havening to depend on him to give me money. I wish one of these jobs I applied for would call me to come in. I just want to get my tax money and school money so that I can budget my bills out and have a little bit to do something with. Sitting here and can’t use the computer because I can’t pay the internet, can’t go anywhere because there is no money to go. I can hardly use my phone get some of my calls and some I never get because I can’t get a new phone. Ask him to do something as simple as getting the information needed to send the other one in and he can’t even do that. It won’t cost him anything to do it but he still won’t. He don’t care if I am here with the kids and have no phone to make a call if I needed to.

I spend most the time I am awake in my room because I still do not have my couch in my living room. He got it to the backroom by himself but now he can’t get it back in the house. We have a loveseat big enough for two people to sit on and a couple office chairs to sit on in there. The kids sit out there and play and watch tv that is it. I sit at the table in the dining room like now while I am making dinner and making sure the kids do their chores or while I eat.

I want to get my couch and things listed again so that I can hopefully sell it with everyone getting tax money back next month. Well more like March probably for most. I got a text yesterday said my tax return had been accepted by the IRS but I have earned income credit so I have wait until the 15th before it will be released and then up until the 27th to get it. I thought that I missed any of the tax credits this year since I had not worked all that much but I guess not. I can at least count on that it is almost a full month’s rent so it will be a help. I figure that will cover what I had to borrow, the price of the washer, and most of the repair on my truck. I won’t have to touch my school money for that.

I am still waiting on a replacement card for SSI because mine expired New Year’s Eve. I went to use it and it wouldn’t give me the balance when I called in. Then it said it was no good. They say they sent me one but I do not remember getting it. I think it got thrown away by accident if I got it or I put it up so I wouldn’t lose it. Go figure. I called to replace it and they said 5 to 7 business days but I have not seen it yet in the mail. I hope that it comes soon. I must have it the first to pay my rent. I cannot be late I am too close to signing a new lease. I am praying they don’t up my rent and that they have no reason to not sign me a new lease. I haven’t given them a reason but I don’t know if they have decided to do something else with it. I don’t think they have it seems they would let me know and I think the land lord is very happy with me as he wanted me to sign a new lease last year. They were calling me and telling me he wanted to sign a new lease with me if I wanted to. I want to ask for a privacy fence but I don’t know if he will do it or not. I think if I could just talk to the owner he would, but I don’t think the office will even bring it up to him and ask him. They will say we will talk to him and then it will never be brought up. I asked once before but then the air or the roof had problems so I didn’t push the issue because I knew they just spend a bunch on it. I am going to ask when they come to me and ask me to sign a lease again. Then tell them I will be in to sign it when they give me an answer.

I am tired of having the dogs in the house 24/7 and having to keep them in a cage if someone comes over if I need to walk out of the house. I hate they can’t go outside of the leash and can’t even be in the yard on a leash if someone isn’t out there with them to make sure no other dogs come in the yard. I don’t want another little or two of puppies.

My eyes are burning out of my head right now because I cut up an onion 30 minutes or more ago to go in the meat for dinner. They are making my head hurt and face hurt. I just want to go to sleep and I can’t. I didn’t go to sleep until after 5 this morning and didn’t get my homework done either. I must stay up and get it done tonight because it is due tomorrow and we cannot turn anything in late at all. I don’t want to start off turning stuff in late or missing work.

I still have this spot in the ruff of my mouth I probably have written about it before sine I have had it since I was pregnant with my 3rd over 6 and a half years ago. I went to the doctor they gave me medication for infection said they didn’t see it but felt something. It never went away; I have been on medications many times over the years and a ton this time last year when I was having all the pain in my face. It has never gone away. It is kind of hard like bone but then other times it kind of squishes like it has fluid or something in it. I hurt and makes my mouth hurt too. I have had a bunch of ct scans of my neck and around that area and I think even my sines and things before. But they never say anything if they see it. I didn’t go back to the ent because he said all the pain and problems I was having was from infection in my teeth. If it was my white count would have been off it wasn’t. I had been on three or more medications for infection and everything. If it was infection it would have been gone. My teeth did not hurt he tried to tell me they are dead. I know they aren’t because they hurt, not all the time but sometimes. I keep wanting to take something and stick the place in the roof of my mouth and see what happens. But then I am kind of scared to. I think more because I don’t want it to hurt more than anything else. I can’t stand for my mouth to hurt and I don’t want to do something to it and it start hurting and not stop.

I have to go make dinner I tell my oldest to put the meat in the skillet and start it she don’t bother to turn it on. I am still trying to just see straight from the onions, I can’t believe they are still bothering me. We have aired the house out and everything. I am the only one they are bothering.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: