All of Mondays fun just kept rolling, right into Tuesday. I wake up to an alert on my phone. I figure it is the one I get every morning and didn’t look. Something said to but I fell back to sleep. Then I wake up at 7 to my phone wringing. And to see the alert came to early to be the one I thought it was. It is Bff calling. I answer to see what she wants.

The guy she is seeing his boss lives across the street from my ex and they cut their yard sometimes. But I guess they aren’t friendly with them. Well they had to stop at the bosses house for something Monday evening. They told her that Father of The Year’s wife came over there and tried her poor me I need whatever you should give me money bullshit. Boss was already not in a good mood and told her where she could go. But when she was giving her “sob story”, she told them he had a stroke about a month before. He wasn’t able to work.

The boss said they have not been seeing the work truck there or them coming and going in it. He also said they had hardly seen him lately and when they do he is walking hunched over with his head down. From what they say pretty slow.

Him having this kind of health problems and could pass a way but no one has contacted my children to let them know. To see if they may want to see him before something happens. I think what is worse is him his self knows what kind of shape he is in and has not bothered to reach out. Tell them and try to change things between them all. Not that I want him back in the picture but you would think going through something like that would make you think about things. But I guess not when you are like him. Just like not telling them their grandma died. I told JW I bet if something happens to him or at whatever point it does, no one will in form my kids and let them know. I will find out from Bff when her man’s boss finds out. That is if they are still living there.

I have decided he has not told my kids I am not going to tell them either. He don’t feel it is important enough to and still don’t want anything to do with them. And he don’t care to know if they are alive and well and have what they need. Why should I tell them and have them upset and worried and they can’t even get updates on him. I do not think the older two will care to much if at all. But Mr.10 now will and will be upset, worry about him and want to go see him. It will trigger his anxiety I am sure. Why do I want to do that to him?

I can’t say I feel sorry for him. Karma you know what they say about her, she is and she has come full force. You know I said before I wish him dead for all that he did to me. Then I said no just crippled where he can’t do for himself would be better. Because she will not take care of him like he needs to be and all he can do is sit and think about all he has done And put me and these kids through. He knows if we were still together and things were good between us he would be taken care of right. He can just think about the bed he had and the one he made for himself.

That all maybe horrible to say but if you have followed me for a while or read old post you will see how bad he was and the things he did to me and my kids.

{August 20, 2020}   Here or There Not Happy Anywhere

As I told you in close encounters of the covid kind

I am at JW’s house since i got off work last night. I could of went home but it is nice to have a little break. But I feel so uneasy and stressed. When I am here I feel like I need to be there and when I am there, I feel like I need to be here or should be. I just want here and there to be one so badly. I am so stressed over it all.

I told JW my test came back negative that I wanted to go home but I didn’t. He said yes but I needed to go home and see my kids. I told him how it is right now that I walk through say hi and go sit in my room. He said oh. He said it’s up to you. But he don’t seem to excited that I’m not going home. I said something about it he said no he loves having me here. But that he kept me awake last night and things. He tossed and turned all night last night. I don’t know what is wrong. He tells me a lot of times he does. I was already stressed so it did wake me up but it wasn’t like I was mad or worried about it. I was just asking if something was wrong or what. I was hoping we would get to talk some tonight or this weekend why I was here. We have been talking more it has been nice but it seems like some thing has been bothering him for a bit now it seems like. But he don’t say anything.

He is so different than what I am use to being with. Then me doing with all I am and have and trying not to bring past things into our relationship. We are just going to have to sit down and really talk about us our relationship. Not us what we need to do or want to do or working on or any of that. But us how we feel about our relationship between us. I don’t want to go through the motions hoping or thinking. I want us to make sure we work on that bond and why we want the things we do. Not let that all get lost in what we want or have to do.

Last night I went shopping after work to pick up some things I needed and picked up something to make for dinner. I came home and started dinner then ran and picked him up. He walked the dog while I finished dinner. We had to run to the store then we came home he took a shower. I went ahead and took one was going to get a drink sit down with him for a bit. Then i came to get a drink and started cleaning the kitchen. I had made comments hoping he would do them why I got my shower or put dinner away or help me but he didn’t. He went laid on the bed and watched tv.

He kept telling me leave them come lay down. But like i told him why we were out I got stuff for tonight I had things to do today wouldn’t have time. Until time to cook I didn’t want to do them then. A few times he asked me if I wanted him to help me. I didn’t say anything. He went back in the room. We talked back and forth why I did them. I say room its one big room with wall in the middle to make a bedroom there is no door. Its like a studio almost.

It kind of made me mad. I felt he should of just came and helped or done them if he cared. I am not going to ask him to help me or tell him he has to or ask him to in that situation. I feel like I cooked he should of said here you cooked let me take care of that or it’s late let me help you so your not here all night. He even said something about how long it took me. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t saying to be nasty or mean or in a way. Just that he didn’t think it would take me so long or shouldn’t have. I was hurting wasn’t rushing. I don’t know maybe I am wrong to feel that way.

{May 28, 2020}   Dose He Really Care?

Monday was a holiday and I spent half the day or so with J.W. I went over early and we slept for a while. As you know from my post Depression, Anxiety and Quarantine things have not been great in the bedroom (TMI sorry).  Well things didn’t go so well Monday I finally decided to say something to him. He could tell something was wrong he asked a few times.

I decided to ask him a few questions to try and figure out what was wrong or if something was wrong. If I had said or done something. It is hard not really knowing about that part of his past to much. To know if maybe something from there or just what is wrong.

He said everything was fine I came right out asked him about sex he said it was fine he was happy. He ask what was wrong again. I told him i wasn’t really happy or enjoying it. He told me not to feel that way and changed the subject.

This point I was hurt and a little mad. He wanted to go eat was telling me to get up and where did I want to go. I was just short with him and told him I really did not care. He comes back with I just wanted to have a nice day you. I said so did I. He said is this all because you think I don’t enjoy sex? Because I told you I do.

Now I was mad I already told him and I wasn’t yelling but I was loud and angry. I said well I’m not. He just looked at me for a minute and says I didn’t know I’m sorry blah blah. Where you want to go eat blah blah. I am just looking at him. At that point I just wanted to leave. But I got ready and we went to lunch. I figured maybe we would talk then or once we got back but nope nothing as if I never said anything at all.

I dropped him off and went home. I was upset and sick all evening/night over it. I was really thinking about having nothing to do with him any more at that point. But aside from this things really are good and I am so happy.

It was late but I finally messaged him after deciding what I wanted to say. I started off with

I don’t know what to say about this morning, honey. I feel like I should say sorry but I can’t say sorry for how I feel. But today has bothered me all night.

He says its okay I didn’t have to say sorry.

I told him how happy i am with our relationship how we laugh all the time and joke when we are together. And we do we are always laughing when we are together. That we are there for each other whatever happens to help the other out. How it is nice to have that.

He said yes he was glad to and loved it and was happy to help and wanted to anyway he could.

I told him but it’s also hard to be with someone you can’t talk to about things that are important or that are bothering you. You always ask what’s wrong or say somethings bothering me. Want to know what. I tell you we sort of talk about it or i say what i have to say and its on to something else. Anymore i feel like why say anything. Just leave it alone forget it. But i can’t do that. I can’t just stuff it forget it and slap on that pretend happy face until its forgotten or next time. Nor do i want to. Because when that happens it’s the be gaining to the end. I don’t want our relationship to end not over something like not being able to talk about things.

I told him how when I did say again I wasn’t happy how he blew me off and didn’t bother to ask why I wasn’t happy? Felt the way I did or even want to know anything how it made me feel. That I asked questions trying figure out if something was wrong or what. All I got was no nothings wrong I told you. I wanted to have a good day too. Sorry.

I told him how I felt how I feel don’t matter how I just wanted to go home instead of lunch. How yes I got quite because I didn’t know what else to do. I had already told him how I felt and got no where. What else was I supposed to do? Why else would I say anything? What was the point? That I did not want to fight I am so tired of fighting. I just wanted to talk and work it out. But that didn’t happen. That I felt like I am just here until something else comes along or he gets tired of me or finds someone else.

He say’s no he cares how I feel, he don’t want anyone else but me. Still no nothing about why we are having this conversation. Why I am not happy or anything yet. Still as if that was never said and the only thing wrong is that i am upset about the way he did.

So I said I want to tell the kids im excited and scared about it already. Then today just makes me second guess myself wonder if its a good idea. I don’t want that. Im dealing with myself and the past enough with out the added what ifs. I still don’t feel good been sick all evening over it.

All he says is don’t be scared I want to be with you and sorry you been sick.

I told him i know I have dealt with a lot in the past. I know somethings bother me that shouldn’t. But that I don’t say anything because I know it is me not him. That is why this bothers me so much now. Because i am not like a lot of people who are always questioning everything or upset about things that really aren’t a big deal or blow things up. That then this is how I am done when something is a real issue and I say something.

He just says don’t keep it in tell me when something is bothering you. I told him I know he is use to always fighting and things that I really don’t want to. I just want to talk work things out. That if I wanted to just fight I would of earlier. I told him I care how he feels and if something is wrong. That we just need to talk. He said okay babe we will talk some more. I’m sorry and I love you. That was it.

Here we are two days later not a word about what happen that day or why I am not happy or anything else at all. I don’t know how to feel. What to think or how to handle it. I feel that it has now been made clear to him 3 times. The ball is in his court. If he cares like he says then he needs to step up and say something.

Because as far as I’m concerned at this point we had one small but important issue that could of been worked out in 10 minutes of conversation. But now has lead to the issue of him blowing me off and now acts as if nothing happen. Not bringing it back up and the fact that when i am so very bothered by something and flat out say I am not happy he still has not once asked the simple question of why even. That just stands out to me more than anything.

If be said to me look I told you this is bothering me or look I am not happy. First thing I would want to know is why? It is as if it has not even crossed his mind. I wonder how is that not even occured to him even when I have said you didn’t even ask this, this or this. I know guys think different than us. I know it is not an easy subject for him to talk about. I also know that he had a medical issue or what before. I don’t know if that is part of the problem and he is scared to tell me because he is scared I will leave or say something. But I mean of it is a medical thing I 100% understand and really think that if he knew my issue why I am unhappy it could help with him some too. Again not knowing his past to well when it comes to this kind of things the people he been with or what makes it hard. But medical is not a big deal and an easy to deal with. What I unhappy with is an easy fix as well. But it has turned into all these issues.

I think why am i making excuses for him. But I’m not I am just trying to figure out why we have the first problem that started this whole thing. Then I wonder if this is just showing me that maybe this wasn’t a good idea to get with him it is his true colors coming out. Or has he just not worked through what he has been through with his ex and the effect it has had on him. Is he in denial of it all. Was it just to soon. I have talk to her own family that has told me how things were how they do not know how he stayed and put up with it so long. How much happier he was once he left and how happy he has been since we have been together and things. So I know a lot of what he told me was true. I was worried when we got together it hadn’t been that long how he was going to be going into another relationship.

{February 11, 2020}   Flashback Moment

After work Last night I stopped at JW’s of course. We talked for a while and he rubbed my back and neck. It has been bad because of my new desk since we moved. After he was done he kept reaching over rubbing my back, legs arms whatever here and there. He said I would do this every night if you were here and let me. He said I would rub you from head to toe front and back. Just to make you feel good, sleep good and to see that smile.

He keeps asking what I want to eat he wants to make me dinner one night after work. He was asking me again last night. Said he is going to make it Thursday since I can get off early that night.

On the way home I was thinking about us. How we have ended up together and handling things. We don’t really have a date on things. If you figure we got together the night he kissed me on the beach or shortly after that was the 9th of January. All though we have known each other since we were kids grew up together we just got back in contact. Saturday before Christmas. I thought about him taking me out for my birthday and wanting to do something for Valentines day.

I all of a sudden had this flashback of Father of the Year. We started talking right before Christmas and our first date was my birthday. He took me to dinner. Then New Years Eve, we went sat in the car at some beach, it was freezing and raining so we did not get out. We just talked for awhile decided we would give us a try.

Shortly after that he picked me up from work and had made this big dinner for us while his roommate was out of town.

And he use to rub my back and legs all the time for me at night because I would hurt so bad. He did a lot but more offten at the end when I had my accident and got hurt and things. He always wanted to celebrate holidays.

Thinking about it all that with Father of the Year came back. Stuff I had forgot about or not thought of in years. It is all so close to being the same. Was kind of weird to me at first I was like oh wow no this is not good. But then it all just kind of went away and I don’t know how I really feel about it now.

As I was thinking this isn’t good, the thought that he is nothing like Father of the Year popped in my head and how Father of the Year did and was and how JW is nothing like that.

Father of the Year always wanted praised for the things he did or said. It was more like he was doing it for himself than me. Like I did this for you so you will tell me what a good job I done and stroke my ego. It don’t matter if you really like it or it isn’t what you wanted. All that matters is I did something. I know it is the thought that counts. But a lot of times there was no real thought put into things.

I would buy him nice things like jewelry, electronics or even a truck I went to buy him one time. I got cused out for not buying it and it was a pos. I buy him jewelry I got $5 lingerie. I buy him nice electronics I would get a little light thing with a cube to sit on it.

I would show him things I liked or wanted that wasn’t going to break the bank, it wasn’t like he didn’t know. He say he had no money. Because he spent it all in the little stores or buying things he wanted. He would have his check I would just tell him get it out of that or what. We have x amount that we can spend on each other. He just walk in buy something and walk out. There would be times I got nothing at all after him making a big deal about having to celebrate a holiday and what we were going to do and get each other. But boy let me not get something or just get a card with a nice letter or note written inside and he would pout like a kid.

JW just isn’t that way, he always wants to make sure I am happy, I am taken care of. He wants to make this dinner because of what I said the other day about not getting to eat a Home Cooked Meal  He wants to make something for me. That wasn’t what I was getting at I was just telling them why I thought I was wanting to eat so much. Because they were saying oh I was pregnant joking around. He has been after me since what is it I want to eat so he can make me something. I told him he don’t have to but he insist. He wanted to go out Friday for the holiday but I have to work he has to work. He won’t be off until 8 and has to get home and get ready. I won’t be off until 9 at the earliest more likely 10 or later. He said he was going to cook Thursday I told him that would be our celebration for the holiday. He was okay with it. Thursday is about the only day we have that we get off half way decent hour. He gets off at 7 and I get off by 9 if nothing is going on. We still aren’t out until late. Over the weekend it is hard for me to get out until later when the kids go to bed and he works Saturday anyway until 8. Once I get moved get the bitch out of my house and get my kids settled again things will be different to a point. I won’t have to worry about having time to go see him and things. He will meet the kids can start coming over going and doing things with us. All of us spending time together. Making time for us will be a little easier as well. I won’t have to worry about rushing home to the kids because I will have more time with them and things.

But it just blew me away when I thought of all that between the relationships. I still don’t know what to think of it. But I am happy, I have been happy from the start. I wasn’t really happy with Father of the Year, I never really was, I never expected it to go anywhere between us. I felt he was more of just the friend type but he wasn’t like any of the other guys I had dated and thought maybe I just wasn’t giving him a chance he was a “nice” guy. Things just went from there. You see how that ended.

But I don’t feel that way about JW. He wasn’t ever one I ever really thought about in anyway he was just always there we weren’t close for say but have always talked and hung out together when we were at the same places, just as we did as kids. Even now I wasn’t thinking about anything between us to start with. Then I kind of got the idea that he may be interested in more. That was the first time I really thought of him as anything more than just a friend. I wasn’t even sure then if he was or wasn’t interested in more. But the more I thought about it and the more we hung out together and things he treated me the way he did I felt that maybe it was something I would’t mind if he was interested. Honestly the night at the beach he kissed me, I wanted him to. I wanted to him but didn’t, I was kind of scared to, because I still wasn’t sure that I wasn’t maybe reading more into things between us because of the way he is. I never felt like that with Father of the Year. With him it was like we were just going through the motions. I was still waiting to see how things turned out and I had feelings for him, but not the same kind of feelings.

I got it all out I am just going to try to forget about it and enjoy what I have now and build a future that we can all grow and be happy in. Because we deserve it after everything we have been through.

The wrong one will find you in peace and leave you in pieces. The right one will find you in pieces and lead you to peace. Be careful who you entertain and give your energy to!

I feel this says it all. With JW he has done nothing but try to make me smile, help me how ever he can, be there just to let me vent, cry or whatever I needed. He always wants to know if I made it home, if i have eaten, how my day is going, telling me how happy he is with me. He hasn’t asked for anything, don’t expect anything. When I try to do for him he tells me I have enough to handle and take care of he will take care of it. I made him today give me his w2 so I can file his taxes for him because he was going to pay someone to do it. He said you don’t need to take time to do it your busy. I told him I would do it sitting at work when there is nothing to do and I am bored. No point in him paying to get something done I can do for free in a few minutes. It wasn’t he didn’t want me to see what he made or what he already told me when we were talking about other stuff. It is just how he is, he is like me just use to taken care of it himself and getting things done.

Father of the year had nothing and never did anything or took care of anything. He just left it all for someone else or it didn’t get done. Even when you tried to help or do it he never offered help and it was never right or good enough. Boy did he leave me with a mess to clean up.

I wanted to get this up and going the first week of the month but I have been a little distracted with life and all that comes with it. Some good, some bad but getting through and doing alright. That’s other post later on. But since I didn’t get to really start last week we will get the ball rolling now.

So what does attract you when it comes to love?

This was a hard one for me for a long time and I think I have just come to really figure it out and even out a little bit. I have never been one to really judge anyone where ever they were at in life if they were trying and progressing in some way. I would consider or give a lot of people chances. not because I’m desperate or can’t get anyone but just because I know what it is like to be in hard spots, fall on tough times and know how hard it is to claw your way out of them sometimes.

But at the same time I think that I was maybe a little to understanding, over looked a little to much and helped make excuses. I do believe that everyone can move from where they are and move up if they want it bad enough and look in the right places. But you quickly learn that most are where they are because they are happy there and it is what works for them. Even if it isn’t that great. They have no desire or drive to have more. In order to have more they would have to put in more of an effort and get up and do something. Like maybe get a better job where they are working more than a few hours a week, or somewhere they make more money or they may need to get a 2nd job for a while.

It isn’t easy to pull yourself out of a bed spot. But when I look at where I was, where I have been, how far I have come and the fact that I have basically done it on my own, I can’t feel sorry for anyone or make excuses for anyone really. Because if I can do it then there is no reason a grow man not taking care of anything but himself can’t. I know a lot of single dads who are doing it as well who have their kids full time as well.

That is what really made it hit me one day. I was at the store and two or three grown men come up asking me for money. I am just looking at them like they have lost their minds. Most have nothing wrong with them but they need their next fix, you can tell. It made me mad I work my ass off they are doing this want want money. Then I started looking at others and where they are and what they are doing and where they were and how far they have or haven’t come and it is like is anyone really trying? It changed my views thoughts and opinion on a lot of things.

Anyway back to topic at hand here. What attracts you?

I am looking for someone that first and for most they have to have goals, ambitions or whatever you call them. I am always changing and always growing and always striving to do better, be better, have better. I like to do new things, try new things, change things up. I don’t want the best of the best, or feel like I need to be better than anyone or have better than anyone. I am happy with who I am and what I have at this point in life because I know it isn’t all there is and that if and when I want something different I can make that happen.

It is more about not being happy just existing, not being happy with just getting by or just mundane doing the same thing over and over again. You have to have a purpose in life or it just has no meaning. If someone don’t have that it is a no go for me. I can’t drag someone around or pull them up when they have no desire for anything more than what they are doing. I also can’t be happy just joining them where they are and sitting.

I want someone who is on level with me or damn near close. I do care where you are what you are doing where you came from how far you have come and what you are doing to keep going and get better do better have better or what.

I want someone that understands my kids come first and have to because I am all they have.

I need someone who is going to ask questions and wants to understan where I am coming from why I do what I do. Someone who I can have conversations with and get somewhere not just small talk.

I want someone who loves me for me not what I can do for them give them or have.

I want someone that wants a family not just a fling or girlfriend.

{May 3, 2019}   The One Who Has Been There

This week so far I have missed work and then had to find rides because of my truck as you all know. Sitting here thinking about it the one that has been there the most for me this week is the least expected one, Special K. He was going to take me Monday but then I ended up not having a ride home. I told him I couldn’t go because of no ride home. I didn’t see it until I was already home and out at the store he said he would come pick me up too. He said he could take me only to start with but when it came down to I was stuck and going miss work because I couldn’t get home, he was willing to put a side what he was going to do or stay up and come get me.

He stepped in and took me Tuesday when no one would. Thursday he picked me up and took me. We stopped at the store I grabbed us a drink and snack then we headed down to drop me off. I feel bad we got there I grabbed all my stuff and got out, I felt like I was forgetting something big but couldn’t figure out what. I had my drinks, purse, jacket,keys, I stopped to look for my phone found it and went in. He left as I walked in. Couple hours later it hit me, I forgot to give him gas money. He didn’t say anything, just let me go. I messaged him as soon as I figured it out. I said I am so sorry I didn’t give you gas money. I told him stop by my day job when he got off today I would give it to him. He gets off an hour before I do. He said it was alright not to worry about it just give him $5 next time I seen him.

Tuesday when he picked me up we went back to his place for a little bit before he took me to work. He came over hugged and kissed me was talking. He said your going to have to stop telling me no and smiled and kissed me. I said oh really, I said who told me no all last week? Works both ways. He just kind of looked at me funny smiled and we went on.

Now I am wondering what he ment by stop telling him no? No about what? Coming over like I thought or something else? Now I’m going to wonder about that.

Yesterday when he took me to work it was a little awkward we talked a little just mostly rode quietly. I found myself wondering again why I keep telling him no. Who has been here and helped me, who fixed my car before when it needed the water pump and all that. That was a big job. I didn’t ask him if he could do the breaks because he has a job to do on his car and one he is doing on his truck and this weekend he has his little girl with him.

I wanted to talk to him about us Tuesday but didn’t, I was in a hurry to get to work and stressed about that and the truck. I want to talk when I’m not in a rush and when my mind is clear not stressed out about things.

When no one else was there he has been when he didn’t have to be. He could of just said no, I’m busy or what but even days he said he couldn’t or may not be able to he stepped up and done it when I was stuck. Others could of helped me but none would they did make excuses or just said no.

I have to figure out something tonight because he can’t do it he is picking up his daughter. That is understandable, I can’t ask him to put her on hold or not see her or do for her to take me even if we were together I wouldn’t do that. The fact he puts her first is good says a lot about what kind of dad he is. He has always been all about his kids. Even when we were younger and he had his first so young. He made sure she was taken care of. I think because of the way he grew up, they had it ruff growing up. He don’t want that for his kids. he tries to do the best he can and make sure they are good.

I am going to try and go see him one day next week once I have my truck back. That way I am not so stressed or worried about getting to work. Give myself time to talk myself back into it as well maybe. I was already to talk to him the other week and then we couldn’t get together and now all this going on I just put it on the back burner and decided it wasn’t going to happen or now just wasn’t the time. I am sure when things calm down I will know what I want to say or want to talk to him again. I mean I now I just don’t have that need to do it or want to do it get it done feeling like I had. Now it is like oh well when it happens it happens or if it happens it happens, there is plenty of time, why rush into it. I think I am just going to try to start going to see him more and just let it happen. I started to talk to him many times before and stopped myself when we were together. Next time I fell like saying something I say it and see where it goes. If I don’t end up saying something before that. I just hate not knowing what to expect and worry about messing something up.


{April 16, 2019}   Maybe It Is The Adventure

I am sitting here at work listening to music on Youtube and this song came on….

I hadn’t heard it util the other day and just really watched the video a few minutes ago. While watching it I thought of how it is getting to know someone new and starting a relationship. It’s like and adventure getting to know each other and doing things together, figuring out each others likes and dislikes and all about them. Is that another reason I have been resisting Special K so much as well? Because the adventure isn’t there? The new isn’t there? We have known each other for so long it feels that there isn’t anything new to figure out?

But then again is that really true? Because yes we know each other and have for a long time, but this would be taking our relationship to a new level and all new grounds and adventures to have and figure out right? I don’t know these are the things my mind wonders to when I have way to much time on my hands to think or find things to keep myself entertained. But it makes since too.

A guy at the store stopped and was talking to me while we were getting gas and all the thoughts you have when you talk to someone for the first time be it a co worker, new friend or just a random whoever at the pump next to you. It is exciting or intriguing to get to know someone. So if you already know them pretty well it seems that there really isn’t anything new there to get to know or discover. I know that isn’t all that there is to a relationship of any kind and it isn’t what is important it was just a thought I had and maybe it was just an extra excuse I gave myself to keep him at arms length so that I didn’t get to close and get hurt. But maybe in doing that I have now hurt myself anyway because I let him get away.

Thinking about it I guess he would be one that was lumped into that category of What Could Of Been

I have been to blind to see that hey maybe here is my chance to have that. Or like I said before to scared to go there because I was to scared of messing it up subconsciously. Maybe now maybe I have messed it up and lost it again.

{April 15, 2019}   Is This A Test

I don’t know what to think about all this with Special K. I have not heard from since right before he got off Friday. But this isn’t unusual For him, like every other guy out there he just stops talking for days. But most the time not  if we are trying to get together. If I am wanting to come over or if he is wanting me to come over.

I keep going over and over everything that has been on my mind since last week. How do I really feel. what should I do about it, do I want to tell him, do I want to try to have more, why don’t I, why do I, what feelings are real, the ones I feel for him, the ones I felt or thought I felt for the other? What should I do where do I start, how do I get him to talk to me, see me?

I keep coming back to the through that he is seeing someone. I just had the thought did I say something? The other day when I said I could make it feel right. Should I have not said that? Did me telling him I was with someone make him think about things and change his mind? Or think about it and start to question why he keeps trying if he keeps getting turned down? Is he just going to say fuck you or to late?

What do I tell him? How do I tell him? Do I tell him I have been thinking and if he still would like to lets give it a try? Do I tell him why I have been pushing away so much or avoiding it and saying no? That he is my comfort or safe place and that I am scared of messing that up and being hurt more? Do I just see if he still wants to try more and just forget everything and go from there if he don’t ask or say anything?

I find myself looking at things different with him. I find myself thinking that if he isn’t interested in more, then just breaking it off and backing off like I had planed to start with. I find myself wanting to see him, wanting him to come pull me over to him, into him, I just want to hold each other and not let go. I want to know when we do that we are more than just “friends”. But don’t know that will happen.

I don’t know what to think about all that I have had running through my head the last 5 or 6 days. I don’t have anyone to bounce things off or or talk to things about and get a honest option about it all. I talked to Bff about it but she just says the same thing you two are so good together, he seems like a good guy, you should do it. I talked to her about all the thoughts I have had and was I avoiding him because of the way I felt? Was I more interested in the others because I was going in expecting that something might or would happen? But with him it seems more solid more real and more of a it will work out and I am scared of all that? She just says yeah it makes since.

I don’t want someone who is just going to agree or say the same thing no matter who I am talking about or with. I know she isn’t I know she means well. But she just hasn’t been there or get into it so in depth. I guess, she has really never had a relationship other than her hubby. They have been together since she was 16 and they only got together because she got in trouble and he was the only one she was allowed to see or talk to. Her dad was very controlling. It was kind of an arranged kind of thing if you really look at it and how she was raised and controlled.

I can’t go to my Good Friend that I haven’t talked to in so long because he don’t like Special K. He has made comments about us talking and things before. Special K is his ex wife’s boyfriend. Like I said here way back she tried to tell me all kinds of things about him until she knew how well I knew him. Who knows what she has said to him and he just like that. He don’t see why I am interested in Special K and not him. Plus we have not talked in a long time. I am kind of sad about that too but I am doing what I can hope we start talking again soon but he still isn’t the one to talk to about this. Although if it was someone different and we were talking he would probably be the best to talk to about it.

I have thought about contacting Special K and asking him if he would stop by and see me at work when he gets off today. He gets off at 4, I don’t get off until 5 and then have to run right to my other job. I don’t have time to stop and see him and talk. If he was to stop here we could have some time to talk. But I don’t know if this is a conversation I want to have or start and maybe have to leave before it is done. I just don’t know. I just want to get it out there and figure out and see where we are going to go from here or how we feel. I hate being in situations like this. Him not answering and not having time to go see him and things like that. If he was going to be up late I could stop by after work but if not then I couldn’t really see him until Thursday or Friday and I can’t see waiting that long. If I have to wait that long I have more time than I should have because I will figure out reasons to talk myself out of it and I don’t want to do that. I am moving forward in so many areas or most areas of life, I feel that I need to move forward in this area and that this needs worked out.

At times I feel like I am rushing into it, but I’m really not we have been doing this for how long now and he has tried how many times. I feel like how can I jump from one to the other. But I think like I said last week, what I really want wasn’t going to come from Sleeping Beauty I knew that but was hoping for something more than it could be. Because he is a good person and great with kids. But he has to many issues that I was over looking or in denial about because I figured if it didn’t work out it was okay because I knew he had issues it might not. That the real feelings I have or had are for Special K but I was projecting them on him because he was safer I wouldn’t get hurt or as hurt when it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t lose my friend. I have said all this. I guess I just need to get out of my head. Maybe I can find someone that will help or listen be sounding board give good advice.

Bff said Wednesday night I was going to give it up to him and tell him how much I love him when Sleeping Beauty asked what we were talking about. I had no idea that was what she was going to say. He said why are you crazy he stood you up tonight and your going to do that. I just said I knew why he didn’t come I understood. He asked why. I said because he didn’t have money to pay and didn’t want me paying for him. He asked why he didn’t have money. I said probably because has a car payment and just got into a house and has the bills for it. I haven’t talked to him in a month or two so who knows what else has been going on or what may have came up or happen. He just said oh. But really he didn’t stand me up he already told me he wasn’t coming or couldn’t come. I just was trying to get him to come.

I said to bff the other day when he said are you crazy or why when he has stood you up? I should of said I guess because I am stupid and didn’t learn my lesson when you done it to me. Your right thanks for pointing that out and where that leads to in the end no matter how much you are there for someone. But like I said he didn’t really stand me up and our relationship is different we have been doing whatever we are doing for years and he has made it clear he wants more 3 or 4 times. He gets after me for not letting him help me and things.

On the topic of helping me another reason I don’t know about or resist getting with him. He is a take charge, take care of things, handle it kind of person like RC and it is so hard for me to step back and let someone do that and even harder with the way things ended with me and RC after I did step back and let him take charge or handle things. I know he don’t want to rush in and make everything right or “take care” of me but just stepping back and letting someone else take control or the lead or having to work with someone and answer to someone, consider someone else when I decide to do things. I hadn’t even really thought about that part of things. I mean I have but not really. I haven’t thought about what that would really look like with him. I mean I have thought about it with others and some it never crossed my mind with him I am in the middle. It is just one of them things that you know you’er going to have to do but haven’t really put thought into what that looks like with them. With him I know like with RC it is going to be a lot of effort or thought that is going to have to go into how things are done and said. That isn’t a bad thing just something I have to work on more because I am not use to that. It is hard for me to do and to let go and let someone else or to think how is this person going to feel about that or are they going to be okay with this or I should talk to him first.

Why is there never anyone to talk to when you need them? Ugh well if you all have an opion or thoughts you would like to toss out there I would love to hear them. A lot of you have been here for this long crazy ride and I am sure probably have some thoughts on it all or that I am just crazy over all. That is okay too, I welcome any and all feedback.


When I was finishing my post about friends I had this thought. It has been on my mind all night and this morning.

Am I looking for someone to grow with or am I looking for someone to fix? 

To me someone to grow with is someone wanting the same things in life as you or close to. This way you can make those things happen together. Your not going to be perfect they aren’t either, your both going to have your “issues” or what but you are willing to help each other out. Be understanding and support.

Someone to fix is like Just Friends, To Broken For More

They have no goals, they aren’t happy in life they feel they have to have someone in life in order to be happy or do anything.

Or some one who can’t keep a job, drinks to much, someone who is abusive or cocky rude, who has a drug problem  spends their day doing what they have to in order to get it. Someone who has nothing and no ambition to have anything.

This is what I think of when I think of someone who needs “fixed”

When I was writing that post I was saying how my “friend” was finally doing something in his life and not just going through his day. He was doing something before but there were a few things I kind if had issues with that he was fine with. They weren’t bad or anything really wrong with it if he was happy okay. I just didn’t get how he was happy but everyone is different. I could of lived with it I wasn’t a big deal. But we just weren’t wanting the same things in a lot of areas. I don’t see it working out between us.

I was thinking about my old friend and Sleeping Beauty and where they are what they are doing or what in life. My old friend I don’t see growing with him even though we want a lot of the same things. But mostly because he don’t want kids involved.

I thought about Sleeping Beauty and my friend J saying to me all the time, you can’t fix him! Leave him alone. My friend at the hair shop saying you can’t fix him.

I keep saying I know and that I’m not trying to. Because in my mind I’m really not. When I thought about him I gotten to really know him. We had fun together, we could just sit and talk together lift each other up when we were down dealing with shit. We help each other out if we needed it, take the kids and do things or he do things here with them. We wanted a lot of the same things in life. Where we were each lacking I felt we filled in the gaps pretty well or could. He works and wants to work he wants the family and all that. He understood i had the kids they come first he felt they should.

Yes he has his problem but it isn’t a all day everyday thing. He can go without it and be fine. I know when he turns to it and does it. It was something we would of had to talk about. He have to be willing to stay away from it. I know he wants to but the hurdles and things he faces with it. I know I can’t make him stop or fix everything for him. Fix that for him. But the desire to stop have better and do better is there. I was willing to be there for him, beside him as support as he done it. Because I know I can’t do it for him or force him to. But I believe in the right situation with people who really care he could and would do it. I was prepared if he didn’t or couldn’t to step back and get out of it. Why I would of waited a while to bring the kids into it even though they know him.

But writing my post yesterday them saying you can’t fix him hit me. I thought was I trying to fix him? Like I said I felt we really messed and could grow together from where we each were. Yes he had this to work on he would have to figure that out and do that.

Then I started thinking so if they consider him needing “fixed” because of where he is what he has don’t have and his issue. I am okay with a lot of things if they want more and are trying to have more. So am I looking for someone to fix and not grow with?


Bff is having a really hard time with all this with Sleeping Beauty because of her brother and what happen with him. It is bringing up a lot of old things from the past for her that she probably hasn’t dealt with and feeling guilty about. Because of the way her brother was when he would be messed up and as bad as he was into everything she had not talk to him for a year and a half when he passed. She keeps saying something about if we say something how he is going to respond and things. Him withdrawing and not talking to us or coming around. I said to her today you don’t want to say something because you are scared what if he don’t come around and then something happens to him like your brother and she said yeah I know.

Like I told her I am not going to just turn my back on him, I am not trying to run him off or anything like that. But he needs to know that we know what is going on that we are worried about him and that we just want whats best for him and don’t want to see anything happen to him. I told her I don’t mind if he still goes with us on Wednesdays or other times if we go out get together or what. I just really have a problem with him being around the kids. We are adults, we know what is going on. You can’t turn your back on someone if you are trying to help them or want them to do better but you have to be smart about it and set boundaries. Like she has said all a long I am that one person that isn’t wrapped up in all that kind of thing that has been there for him and not judged him and just sat with him, helped him, picked him up got him out of all the bs and just let him hangout, listen to him and things.

I called my friend J last night why me and bff were on the phone. She was on her way out to eat, I told her I needed her opinion on and advice on something if she had a minute and that I had bff on the phone too I was going to bring her on with me. She said okay. I merged the calls and told her she as on there too now.

I said okay J we have person 1 we are all out together and her is on his phone on his phone his buddy shows up he runs outside to meet buddy for a bit. J says drug deal in parking lot.

We are out again person 1 is with us on phone on phone with buddy. Buddy comes sits with us this time in a while buddy goes to bathroom in second person 1 gets up runs to bathroom too. Before I could finish she says deal in the bathroom. I said they come back person one sniffing away wiping nose things. She said drugs.

I said person on all a sudden starts having panic attacks don’t know why or what is even going on. Person one loses a lot of weight and explaining it away before you see them. Person one don’t want anyone talking to anyone about anything to do with them or their name coming up.

My friend J is like it is drugs you are not stupid you know this you don’t have to ask me, you already know what is going on where did you meet this person why are you around this person? I said okay now I will tell you who it is because we have talked about this person before. I told her it was sleeping Beauty. Because we have talked about him before and what he is doing and going on. I told her about him when everything happen at my house he left there. Later I talked to her about him when we were hanging out and I had feelings for him. She was like that is bad and everything and that I better know what I was getting into and things like that. I said I knew that is why I never said anything or acted on them and that I wanted to make sure he was doing better and that he wasn’t looking to be with anyone at the time and things.

We were talking about how to bring this up and what to say. She said you better know what to expect and things like that. I said I know i think she was thinking he might get violent or what. I said I don’t think he will I think he will deny it swear it isn’t true and whoever we heard it from is lying making it up mad at him or what. I said or I think he is going to shut down not want to talk not say anything. If he gets mad he will just leave or want to be taken home.

I said bff don’t want to believe it because he is working he does do things with the kids he does this that and the other. Because we were talking about hitting rock bottom and things. She said until he does he is going to probably fight help or having a problem because he is doing okay. She said he is a functioning addict. I said that is the same thing I said I said and he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet right? Because bff was trying to figure out what we were saying and things. She said no but he will if he keeps on. I said I know that is what we don’t want to see happen. I said so how do we go about talking to him trying? She said everyone is different he is most likely going to resist. She said you need to figure out what his trigger is, why he is doing it, work on that. We talked a bit more she had to go she was at the place they were going to. Her son and hubby were with her they were listening and they were saying the same thing you know and agreeing with it and talking about it too.

They hung up and bff was like wow my head is just….everything everyone is saying now i am looking at everything. We were talking about how to go about talking to him about it all. All of a sudden it was like this voice from no where said the kids. Use the kids to approach him with it all.

I told her lets do dinner a little early maybe at 4 instead of 5 or 6. Then just say lets go here or there or lets go for a ride, the three of us go somewhere and talk. I don’t think her house is a good idea but I don’t think out at a restaurant or something is either. I told her maybe the park sit at one of the tables or go out to the beach walk the beach or sit and talk by the water at the river or something. Just where there isn’t a lot of people around. We can sit not be bothered with distractions.

I told her we just start by saying look we want to talk to you about something. You may not want to talk and don’t have to but we want to say what we have to say and be heard. Then just tell him he are not trying to judge you, we are not mad, but we know what you are doing, we know you have been off and on all along. We are worried about you we care about you and we don’t want to see anything happen to you. But we are also worried about the all the kids involved getting hurt and having this around them. We want you there doing things with them as much as they want and need you there. But you can’t keep doing what you are doing and coming around them. We are here for you and will help you anyway we can and will let us. And go from there and see what happens.

He has said over and over that he misses the family and the kids and it kills him that he don’t get to see his kids and things. All the kids like him and having him around he asked me when we were out the other night when he was supposed to be coming over to help Oldest clip the birds wings. He is all over bff’s daughters boyfriend he don’t like him he is just waiting for some one to say something so he can run him off. He is talking about fixing the deck with her little boy and getting the 4 wheeler going and all of us going camping and things. It is great because her kids don’t have that guy in their life like mine. Even when there dad is there he does nothing with them, they told us the other day we were all horse playing and things. Her one daughter said daddy would have had a fit we made noise and sent us to our room he would’t of helped us with our tents. He is worse than Father of the year in some ways because at least Father of the year would do things with the kids hers won’t he just sits on the couch barks orders and everyone better shut up and not say a word. But anyway.

Just tell Sleeping Beauty all this and come at it from a what is best for the kids, we have to look out for our kids and protect our kids. Yes maybe you aren’t doing it why you are with them around them or what, but what if something happens to you, your on a slippery slop what happens when you get worse hit rock bottom and your on your way down? What happens when you decide to just disappear again? It isn’t fair to them. They all love you and having you around you do them. You need to do this for you and them. I will say to him what would you say if you knew someone else was doing what you are doing and we had them in the picture letting them get so close to our kids? Or that was one of us doing it and our kids involved? You are not different. Why is it okay for you but not the rest?

I was talking to bff this morning and she said that she is supposed to meet the kid that was staying with her and his girlfriend their baby out tonight. Her son asked if Sleeping Beauty could come because he has to fix her headlight. She said the kids girlfriend called and asked her if Sleeping Beauty was clean? Said because if he isn’t they can’t have him around. She said she just told her she thinks so but she been hearing things she didn’t know really. She said well they would know when they seen him and talk to him. Because they don’t want that around. She keeps saying if he talks to him he will tell her. I said girl how many of us have told you I even looked it up on line and told you. She said i know. You just don’t want to believe it. I said I know but you have to.

J said just get away and leave it alone. I said but J we can’t just walk away and leave it alone. I said it is like this I said what if it was me and you and I had that problem? Or you slipped I couldn’t just walk away. I said just like you wouldn’t you be down here kicking my ass. She said yeah I know. I said all feelings everything a side I said it isn’t about anything like that I not interested in that anymore it is just a friend thing that if you are a friend you say something and try to do something. She said yeah I know. She even said he may never get away from it staying around here. I said I wonder what his mom thinks or what and how we thought about talking to her. She said it sounds like mom keeps him under control but she can’t always or forever. She said unless she has a problem as well she don’t like it knows something is wrong and don’t like it either and wants him to get help and off it all. I said yeah what I know but I know nothing about his mom i have never talked to her or seen her other than she was in the car in the driveway and at the store. But I know bother him and his brother is this way and from the way he talks his brother is worse than him. He dont’ want to be around his brother and he says that is who he was with when he got shot. he has always told me from the time we started talking he didn’t want to be around his brother. His brother was going to give him a job let him stay with him he didn’t want to do it.

But I think approaching it as we are worried about you, we care, we are here and the kids is what is going to get through if anything at all will. The kids most of all.

I better get off here and get work done I can’t believe it is Friday already. I start my new job Monday Yay.


et cetera
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