{January 12, 2019}   Don’t Think I Can Go

I am sitting in my truck at the store trying to force myself to go in and I just can’t. I am supposed to be at the celebration of life in less than an hour and I don’t want to go. I should be going in to get a top to wear, that is why I am here. The closer to time it gets the sicker I feel.

I think because of the time of year it is and losing my dad. Right now was when we were in the thick of things with him and the day of his death is less than a month a way. The cancer all just hitting to close to home. I don’t know what to do. I feel I need to go out of respect at least but I feel such horrible anxiety right now thinking about it.

I left for work this morning but didn’t have to work I’m just bouncing around here and there. I just want to go home and sleep. I gained 5lbs from all I have eaten this week alone. I been eating anything and everything and even buying food. I think just because I am depressed. It just hit me thinking about everything. I just feel like I am in a funk. Couldn’t figure out why.

{January 12, 2019}   You’re Welcome to Come

I took the kids to school and dropped the car at the lot and headed to the store to cash my check. I decided to get something for lunch why I was there. I was in line and my phone went off, it was a text from the owner who’s mom passed.

“Don’t hate us but we have to reschedule today. I have so much stuff to get done for tomorrow & not enough time in the day.”

“Also I don’t know if I mentioned it to you before but you are more than welcome to come tomorrow.”

They are having his mom’s celebration of life today. I have went back and forth on rather I was going to go or not. I never got to meet her and I really just know my boss and his dad. I have met one of the other kids and talk to one of the girls on the phone. Other than that I don’t know anyone. I thought I had to work but I don’t and now I feel kind of obligated to go since he said that. I was thinking I would drop a plant off before work before. Now that I am off I feel out of respect I should at least go for a little bit.

It starts at 3 I don’t know if they are going to do something or just everyone there together people coming and going. I figure I would show up at 3 and stay a bit and go of it is just people hanging out. I have been to both have no idea what to expect for this one. I don’t even know if the other owner is going or not. He said before he probably wouldn’t go to her service. But I think he thought they were doing a funeral at the time.

Now I sit debating what to do and what the hell to wear if I go because none of my nice stuff fits anymore. It is all way to big to even try and get by at this point. I got up and left like i was going to work i am sitting here in the truck trying to decide what I am going to do.

{October 16, 2017}   Ten Years Off My Life

Today my friends family had a celebration of life for her step dad who passed away. This is the friend that I just reconnected with about 6 months ago. I have not been around her extended family since all this happen and we started talking. I wasn’t going to go and she had not ask me to go. Friday night I went and helped her at her storage unit and we ran to the store. While we were out she asked me if I was coming. I told her no, no one had asked or said anything to me about it. She said no she wanted me there if I wanted to come and to bring the kids. She has a hard time with her brother being abusive to her and they had been into it this week with her mom in the hospital and things. I told her that yes I would come if she wanted me to, to help her and be support so they didn’t gang up on her and to help her with her mom if she needed it. So me and the kids went and spent the day there today.

Well we hadn’t been there long maybe a hour and her mom called everyone over and was talking about her husband and things. Then she said that my friend daughter was going to sing a song for him. We were standing around waiting for the band to set up so she could play with it and everyone just talking and things. The park is all fenced in and only the ones for the party was there. All the kids were running around playing. I was keeping and eye on mine making sure I knew where my little one was.

Her daughter finally got up there to sing and I stood there watching her and started looking around for my Little Bitty, I didn’t see her anywhere. I started looking down under the tables and around peoples legs because she is so short and tiny I figured maybe I wasn’t seeing her between people. I still didn’t see her. But I was okay, still everything was fine I just couldn’t see her, when everyone fanned out after she was done singing I would spot her. Well she got done I still couldn’t find her. I walked over to my friend and ask if she seen her? She looked around said no and she hadn’t in a few minutes or more. I said me either I wonder if she got over there in the woods. Even at this point I am still okay, not freaking out or losing it thinking something has happen. I figured even if she did she wasn’t that far there are trails we would find her. My friend said we need to check the bathrooms. I really didn’t think so but I said okay and we walked over there.

She went in the women’s and said no one was in there. I just got up to the men’s and the door was closed, I thought it was odd becase there are more than one stall in each so no need to close the door they never are. I reach up and grabbed the knob to open it and it was locked. I knocked on it as I was saying to her why is it locked it should’t be right? All the while knowing it shouldn’t. She said no it was open before. I panicked then, I started beating the door yelling for her and for whoever was in there to open the door now. I looked at my friend and said go get someone to open it now. She said I don’t know who to get to open it or who to call even. I think she was in shock and had the same thought I did but not thinking about getting it open in the same way I was. I turned around and headed back toward the party and over by where they were cooking. I was going to go tell her husband, my boss from the shop or whoever to get over there and do whatever they had to do to get the door open right now if they had to kick it in. All I could think was someone came up we all missed and they had my kid in there. She wasn’t saying anything what had they done to her. About the time I rounded the corner here came her daughter with her from the car. They had went out there to get one of the dolls or something out of the car. I don’t know if I ever felt so relieved to see her in my life. She was not out of my sight the rest of the day, I spent the day watching her.

It is crazy because no one knew what happen because we just went to look for her and found the door and then seen her before we had said anything to anyone. Once we found her we went on with out day. Later I was talking to another friend of ours that I had not seen in a while as well and something was said about kids. She said yeah well earlier before you got here A went to the store and took L with her and no one knew. She said my boss, her and the kids started looking for him. She said he went to check the bathrooms and found the same thing the men’s room door shut and locked. She said he flipped he was kicking it and everything else trying to get into it and one of the other kids came up and said they got a hold of their mom he went with her. Twice in one day because we have all kinds of parties at this park and that door is never ever shut or locked. I said yeah well I was over there trying to get in and on my way to find someone to bust it open when they walked up with her.

When you stop and think about it, it is really sad that this is the kind of world we live in that we can’t even let our kids run around the park and play with out thinking the worse if they get out of sight for a few minutes and we find a locked door. Even when you know you haven’t seen anyone around that wasn’t with the party and then to think that you don’t know everyone at the party so maybe. Honestly even though I didn’t know everyone or everyone well I still trusted them because my friend is like me and would not have people there she didn’t trust around her kids or anyone else for that matter. I still thought more if that was what happen it would be someone that had come up we didn’t see. I tell you that took about ten years off my life in that couple minutes.

et cetera
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