{October 8, 2019}   Almost 40

So the fact that I am going to be 40 in a little over a year punched me in the face the other day. I still can’t Figure out what the hell I have done so far the last 38. All I can think is this is it? This is really it? Wth? Life is over. Okay okay not over but this part or a big part of it. I look at so much that hasn’t been done and so much still to be done. I look at my kids and two almost grown, one half way and one just getting started. That makes things a little of as well. I been in this weird frame of mind since it really hit the other day.

Who would of thought one simple little picture could set off such a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings. I was looking at someone’s picture I don’t even know on line and thinking how they looked older. Then I looked and they are around my age. It got me to thinking about how we feel vs. how we look and how we don’t see ourselves the way others see us at times. How it don’t feel as much time has went by that really has. One day you wake up and it hits you. By then is it to late to live the life you wanted or live the life we want? Is it to late to make the changes? Are we to old? I feel like to much time has passed for a lot of things I just need to figure out what life I’m going to live at this point and forget the past. But there are still things I want that maybe aren’t so to far fetched just yet maybe. Maybe they are maybe I need to change them some. Then there is a part of me that says I want it or just forget it change everything.

{April 17, 2019}   Can’t Stand The Waiting

Talked to Special K some yesterday. I told him to stop by and see me on his way home from work he said he couldn’t he had something to take care of. Later I asked what he was doing he said looking for something to watch nothing really. I told him he should let me come over we could have some quick fun before I went to work. He said his brother and kids would be home soon he had to wait until he was a sleep. I told him that was okay I could come after work. But I wasn’t getting off until late and he would be a sleep.

Any other time we can get together with no problems now I want to get together and want to talk to him here we are a week later and still can’t. I don’t know what to think. Maybe I should just forget about it. I wish I didn’t have to work tonight I would just message him tell him I was off and needed to talk to him and ask when we could meet. I am going to try and get off early tonight. It is our night out and I want to try and get by to see him if I can get off early. I hate waiting when I have something I want to do or need to do. Once I decide I want to do it now and get it over with. So this is just got me on edge wanting to get it done.

I keep feeling like he is going to say no or that he is with someone and that is why he hasn’t been able to get together. Again I am probably over thinking it. I have to much time to think about it and change my mind or find reasons not to do it. That is the problem and why I like to do things when I decide and not put them off.

I opened yesterday and before long in came the owner to check up on things and complain. But okay whatever. He hung out then until after I left.

But he said something about having to go to the social security office. I said yeah I have to go there too. He daid he was going to change his last name on everything. He got married in May I think it was. He said he finally decided to take his wife’s last name. He said he explained how his mom’s madian name meant this or that his new wife’s name meant something almost the same and they are from the same area and things. That this is his 2nd marriage and he don’t want her to have to be refuried to as the 2nd Mrs. X and things.

I thought it eas pretty neat he was doing that. I thought of having that conversation with RC when he wanted to get married. I told him if he to take my last name he said no and things. His ex wife kept his last name so we would both have been Mrs. RC had me and him got married.

Just like Father of The Year got mad when I changed my last name in the divorce. I didn’t want to walk around with his last name forever when nothing worked out and his family didn’t like me and treated me how they did. Then when he got remarried and to the one he did. I was really glade because I don’t want everyone confusing me with her. He is such a mess and nasty i dont even want anyone to know we were ever together.

{August 13, 2018}   Change One Thing In Your Life

If you could change one thing in your life what would it be?


A friend asked me this the other night. I wouldn’t be single. I would find that one person that I was meant to be with and work on building our future together.


So what would you change if you could change one thing? Comment and share.

{April 27, 2018}   Don’t Yell at Me

I finally talked to Starfish Wednesday evening. He didn’t call me before work, I really didn’t figure he would. I knew he probably wouldn’t be home yet. I messaged him later that evening told him I got off at 7 to call me then. That way I could talk on the way home. Not have everyone on top of me listening. About the time I walk in the door my phone was rining. I walked outside answered him.

We talked a little, couldn’t even tell you what about. I ask him what was going on? Where he had been and everything.

He said that boss messaged him wanted him to go get him something. Told him he give him more money if he go do it. So he says he went with his brother and his girlfriend to get him what he wanted. He says the 3 of them were sitting in the car and got robbed by 3 guys. They took their phones and all their money. From there he went to his other family members house stayed until he got home sometime yesterday. He tells me they figured out who the guys were they went to ones house and they ended up gettinf their phones back. But his moneys gone his arms hurt and all this.

He telling me this is crazy, this is bullshit, I’m not doing this no more, I can’t live like this risk my life doing this shit. I said good I hope you really mean it and stick to it. This is a wake up call for you.

In a little while he tells me he is at the hospital his arm is burning feels like it is going to fall off. I ask how he hurt it or what was wrong? He said I will tell you later. He never left the hospital until after midnight. They checked him his sugar was high, so they brought it down before they did anything to him.

That was all last night Wednesday night. This morning I text him good morning like I do most the time. It was between 7/8 am. About 8:45 he was calling me. I just pulled in to my job interview. We talked a few minutes. His arm came up. He said I don’t want to tell you. I said why? He said I just don’t you will get mad or something like that. I told him I had to go I would call him when I got done and we would talk and he would tell me then.

I did my interview and called him on my way to work. We talked about how my interview went. I stopped at McDonald’s on my way. I ordered a large tea and hashbrown. He said um what did you just order? I repeated it. He said thats what I thought you need to quit eating that junk and start eating real food and better. You get onto me about taking care of myself and eating right. I said yeah I know but…..He cut me off said no I’m tell you like you do me no excuses.

I got out of there hit the highway to work. I said okay so what happen to your arm that you don’t want to tell me? He said your right I don’t I don’t want you mad at me. He said you can’t yell at me okay? I know it’s bad already. I said I promise I will not yell, besides I have never yelled at you.

He like well the other night and told me what all happen again. He told me how they found out where the guys were and went there. He says in the process of finding them going there, yeah um I got shot in the arm.

I started to say something I didn’t even know what to say. He telling me again he can’t live like this and he not doing this again this and that. I never said anything about it really. He said he wasn’t going to go to er that way. He went home got the bullet out but now it’s infected. He told me why I was doing pizza’s tonight he was going back to the er. Said they told him to come back in 24 hours for a follow up.

He sent me a picture, its pretty nasty because he didn’t get it treated right away and his sugare problems. I just hope he really sees now and this scared him enough to not go do this crap anymore. He told me two or three times he done he not risking this no more. Last night he told me he is done with the boss he is not going back there no more at all for anything.  I don’t know how that will end up. I said good I hope so I been saying that for how long now. He said I am.

He said something yesterday I never heard him say, I was surprised by it. He first told me he got shot and that was what was wrong with his arm. He said something about being done he couldn’t keep doing this and living this way. He said he didn’t have a lot longer to live anyway, he was 44 he was going to die by the time he was 62. He had to get his life straight he needed to work on hisself for a while. He said I mean it, I don’t care what others want or need, I am tired of doing and doing for everyone, caring for everyone and everyone dropping me, or giving up on me and walking away from me. He said I haven’t walked away from no one, I do everything I can for everyone and care about everyone and always end up alone. I don’t want nothing right now not even a women. I need to work on me get my life together and do what needs to be done for me.

I was happy to hear that, it is not something I have ever heard him say. I have said to him he needs to not worry about everyone and taking care of or doing for them. That he needs to take care of fixing his life and making hisself happy and things. He always says but this and that or he can’t he needs this or don’t have that. Or I point out why are you doing for this person when they are doing you this way that way and just said all this crap to you? Why are you so worried about doing this for them when they don’t care about you and treat you this way? Do you know what you look like to them? They are sitting back laughing look how we can do him then we say jump he jumps. I said you need stop worrying what they want and think and think about what they really think about you not what you want them to. He just gets quiet don’t say anything.

I think yesterday he is starting to see. He sounded like he was almost in tears. He had called me to talk as soon as he woke up. He never calls that early and not even up that early most the time. I just hope he can do it this time really get away from it all.

{May 31, 2017}   Stopped Working

I have not been around much because I have been so tired and hardly functioning for a week or more. I have been passing out at 10 or 11 pm, sleeping until 10 the next morning and then still laying around doing nothing until all hours of the after noon the last three days. I have been extra tired other days and laying around too but have had to get up go to work, shopping and other things. If I have to get up I will but if I don’t, I won’t. I feel like I sit there fighting to hold my eyes open it is so bad. I am starting to feel tired tonight but hadn’t up until a little bit ago and it is now 2 am. I have been back in my medication for a little bit now too and it is not knocking me out like it use to. It isn’t even making me sleepy when I take it. Most nights I forget to take it get up about 12 or so and take it then go back to bed. I have taken it in the morning a few times when I forgot to take it at night and it isn’t effecting me at all.

I do not think it is helping in any way at all anymore honestly, I feel like I did before I got on it, can’t sleep for days or weeks at a time then all I want to do is sleep for days at a time. I am so aggravated and annoyed by every little thing. The kids are driving me up the wall to the point I just want to walk out and leave or start drinking. I still don’t know what is up with the wanting to drink so bad when I get like this. That is new and I never had that before. I am calling tomorrow to get back in with the doctor to see if they can up my medication or if they have to change it to something else. I hope they get me in this week because I I don’t know if I can keep doing this like this. I know being sleepy just makes it worse because I just want to be left alone and not hear anything or deal with anything. I have to go to work tomorrow and I hope that everything goes smooth and nothing bothers me there and I don’t snap. I go see the therapist this week too. Maybe if they can’t get me in to the doctor to change it she can call them and tell them they need to phone something in or call me and do something not leave me hanging for to long to wait on getting this straight.

I was reading about my medication and it says it is good for short term use but not very long term use and that it is dosed at 5 and they told me the lowest was 10 and have me on 10. I think the pill comes in 10 but it is mint to be broken in half if need be and my doctor or therapist didn’t know that. It says that the max you can take is 20 but there was no real difference seen at 20 than 10 so basically if 10 isn’t working or you have been on it for very long they probably should change you to something else. I am kind of scared to take something else. But I have to take something because I can’t keep going like this.

I know the other therapist I was seeing said they start you out on a dose and then sometimes once it gets in your system they have to go back and up it a little or something like that but that you need to be on a lower dose for a week or two before they can do that. She said sometimes the lower isn’t enough. But I think that medications have such a affect on me they didn’t have to up it but now that I have been on it for so long it isn’t working anymore I have built up a tolerance to it. I know I do that pretty quick as well with most things. I wish I could see my other therapist again instead of the one I have. She is nice and everything but I still like the other one better. We just worked good together. I felt I got more out of my time when I seen the other than I do now.

I guess I need to go to bed and try to sleep tonight. Hope I am not flipping now and going to be up for days on end like the other week. Not sure witch would make for a longer day tomorrow. But I like having this job it gives me something to get up get out of the house and do.

I went to the other job interview I had Monday, it was a waste of time. I will tell you more about that later. I have to try and get some sleep now.

{May 14, 2017}   Scrapping Change

I just say here and counted up all the change I had collected in the cup holders and the big cup in my room, to see how much gas money I have for the week. I came up with $18 worth but it is all in change. I am sure the people at the store are not going to want to see me coming and I really don’t want to go in there to use it but I got to get gas. I could take it to a counter but it takes so much of it it’s really not worth it. I think I will go late tonight when there isn’t anyone in there or shouldn’t be anyone in there. It is embarrassing to have to do. I don’t know what else to do at this point. It make me sick knowing that he is walking around with two or three grand in his pocket not a care in the world and to sorry to give his kids what he owes them. But is okay karma is going to come around and smack him in the face and he isn’t going to like it. He is going to have to pay me more than what he is now and be putting money out of pocket for other unexpected experiences.

I am going to the court house tomorrow to file all the paperwork to up what he his paying, in hopes that it will get his 20 days started between now and Friday. Then I am going to go back on the 1st or 2nd and file to have his license suspended and to get him to pay what he owes that is behind.

{January 10, 2017}   Cut it All Off

Today after counselling I stopped at my friends barber shop to see how she was doing. I hadn’t seen her since sometime last year around Thanksgiving I think. I went in she was slow and cutting on her hair. She decided to dye mine again. She did it a auburn color and then we cut it. My hair was down between my shoulder blades. We cut it all off really short it is not even on my neck it is just below my ears. She fixed it and things it looked good. I am not sure I like it. I have wavy hair and thought it would have more curl or wave to it. I don’t know maybe I didn’t let her cut it short enough in the front. I wanted to keep my bangs long because I hate short bangs. I just got home a little bit ago from the chicken club meeting. I took a shower and washed it to get the spray and things out. I wanted to see how it would look if it dried naturally. When she blow dried it it takes the curl out some. It’s not doing what I excepted at all. I am wondering if I had some moose and put in it or if I cut it shorter if it would curl more. I just hate the thought of having my bangs to short over my forehead.

I sent a picture to my friend he said um you cut your hair? I said yeah wanted to try something different not sure about it. He never answered. I said that bad he still didn’t answer. I think he is one that likes long hair.  My other friend ask what I was doing earlier I was just getting done I sent her a picture she said you cut all your hair off. My friend J said it looked nice I am sure she was shocked to see it too. Everyone will be because I have always had longer hair. One time back in high school I cut it off up past my ears. It was down past my butt when I cut it off then all at once. I just text my good friend pictures he said that was a big change. I hadn’t showed him yet either I wanted to wait until I washed it and played with it a little. I like it just washed and left to dry look better than the way she had it. I don’t know how I feel about it, it is not bad at all it really is a big change since I have only done this one other time and when I done it before it had no curl or wave to it. It was pencil straight so it is different this time than it was then and most of my friends now didn’t know me then other than my good friend. They are all use to me having it at least middle of my back. They all have long hair to so they like long hair.

I am still shocked my one friend didn’t say anything, I know he was shocked. I should have said um hey you shaved your head I’m not allowed to cut mine? Not like we are more than friends. I know he wants to be or thinks about being more but I don’t think we will ever be more than what we are or become more than what we have done. We see each other when it works out we are both free and can get together and that is about it. He wanted me to come over this weekend I was thinking about going but don’t know yet.

It’s just hair it will grow back sometime. until then I will get use to it. Funny thing is no one at all has said anything about the color change. They can’t get past how short it is. It is different for sure. I got out of the shower and I was holding my head back to put the towel around my back so that my hair wouldn’t lay on my back and be under the towel. I hate for my wet hair to be on my skin( I know I am Weird) and there was nothing there. I was like oh yeah. I bent over to wrap it in the towel and dry it. I had way to much shampoo and conditioner when I was washing it too because I am so use to washing all this hair that is gone now.

{August 16, 2016}   Want To Hear Something Funny

The other day Father of the Year was here after I got my Name changed finally and I said something about getting my drivers license changed and waiting on my social security card.

He got all pissy. He said I don’t know why you are in such a rush to do all this.

I said because I only have so many days after it is done to change it at most places like the DMV and with my insurance licences. With my insurance one I have 30 days, if it was still for bail bonds I would only have 10. Then if I change it at the DMV and not the school when I go to get into other classes or have to show id for something I am going to be in the computer under one name and my id is going to be under something different and they are going to question it and give me a hard time. I have to show my id every time I take a proctored test or talk to anyone there about anything. The odds are if I show for a test and it is not the same name they will not let me do the test and then I am in a lot of trouble.

He just kept saying he didn’t understand why I was doing it.

I wasn’t thinking about what he was getting at to start with, I was doing other stuff at the time half paying attention to him. I asked him what he meant because I just explained to him why I was trying to track everything down and do it.

He said because most women keep the guys name until they get remarried again or whatever. You always say once family always family but you can’t wait to change your name.

I said oh so over all why I changed it to start with. I said because I was never treated like family, a lot of couples are together for year and are close to their in laws and still have or keep a relationship with them to some degree. I said I was never treated like I was a part of your family by anyone other than your grandma.

For the first time he said yeah your right, true or something like that. In other words he knew what I was saying was true and he agreed with me. Any other time I would say something like that he always says no that is not true or they all like you. His grandma is the sweetest little old lady I have probably ever met and his older brother is really nice and has always been and we talk and have conversations, he seems like he is really interested not just trying to be nice or save face for the way the rest of them all. He ask about how the kids are and how I am what we are doing for school the things the kids were learning and doing and thought it was great I was homeschooling them. He is very educated and teaches and been over private schools. He knows that I had not been to school other than vocational things but never had anything bad to say or say he thought they would be better off in school. He knows that I am always learning and taking classes of some kind to learn and that I’m not stupid or couldn’t go to school just that it wasn’t the right time for me yet.

But other than them two they are the only ones that like I said that treated me like family. So yeah I am going to take my last name back. I am only related to them by marriage not blood. By blood I am me and that is the name I want.

But I truly think the fact that I changed my name back to my maiden name bother him more than the divorce it’s self. When I filled out the divorce papers the first time as a last effort to get him to see things were really bad and we really need to work on them the only thing he ever said about them was you want to change your name back? That’s a slap in the face. It just blows my mind that is what bothers him most out of all this. I guess to him it was one last way to feel like he had some control or power. I don’t know. I kind of find it entertaining when he makes me mad about something I find a way to bring up going somewhere else and getting my name changed with everything there and having that place or the other marked of the list. I know I know that is probably horrible and childish but sometimes he just pushes those buttons. Unlike him I will not say something that is not true just to get at him or what. But if that will just get under his skin and he will stew on it for a while that is on him.

et cetera
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