{January 13, 2020}   Thinking Ahead

There are a lot of decisions to be made in the next few months. Some will not happen until 5 or 6 months down the road but need to have a good idea and grasp on things now as to what we are going to do. This way we can get things set in motion in order for it to all play out with as little interruptions as possible. Few major things to think about and plan for such as………

The truck I got screwed on. Fix it with new motor then sell? Buy brand new truck that will last me forever? Fix it and keep it? Fix it give it to my oldest?

I have no idea but have to decide and do something now or soon. Because I can’t leave it sitting much longer and need the extra seating soon now more than when I bought it.

To move away this year or stay another year? If I move when? If I stay here then I have to decide do I want to stay where I am or move somewhere different? House wise that is. I have the best set up with the kids school being right there. But the house isnt great and I am tired of dealing with the managment team. It isnt worth what I am paying rent is going to go up again. But will I find anywhere cheaper the same size in better shape? How will the school set up be?

If i move away or here where am I going to move to? Stay in the same area here or make a big change? If I move away do I go where my friend is or other family or somewhere all together different?

How is that going to effect the huge change I just made last week? How do I handle it and all that goes along with it in between all that is coming up and going on?

I have no idea what I am going to do or how to move ahead at this point. Most the time I am full force straight ahead.

I am going to really have to think about it all and figure it all out. I need to look back at my goals I set last year see what I have done and what still needs to be done. Set some new ones and fix some old ones.

{July 22, 2019}   Not Alright

I want to quit my job, I want to go home pack my kids up and leave. Just walk away and leave everything, animals, personal things, whatever that will not fit in the car besides me and the kids. that would pretty much be everything including clothes because there is no room in it once everyone gets in.

I don’t want to be at work, I don’t want to go to work tonight, I don’t want to be at my house. I just want away from it all. I am sitting here now fighting not to cry. I don’t know why I feel this, the weekend was pretty good. Saturday I went and had the truck towed back to the guy. That took hours when they told me 30 minutes. I went home got the kids lunch. After lunch we went tot he garden store the kids had been wanting to go to. After that we went to dinner and a few stores around there. Yesterday we didn’t do to much. Me and the girls took old dog and got her shots and we hung out at home. We slept in until after noon the dog had to be there at 4. By the time we did that it was time for dinner. We went and made dinner watched a movie and I was in bed by probably 12. I laid there a little bit and finally fell a sleep. I slept after that but I guess not good. I woke up at 7:30. I woke up thinking I just want another hour I don’t know what time it is but I just need one more hour sleep and I think I could function. I don’t know why but it’s just how I felt. I seen what time it was I could sleep until I was thinking 9 but then I remembers I had to go to the store for the kids. So I had just at one hour to sleep. I did some but not long. I thought I been laying there a few minutes and looked again and it was a few minutes until I had to get up. I just felt like no I need to sleep, I just need to lay here and sleep for a while. Until I feel better, until I wake up and feel like everything is okay. I need to sleep until everything is okay. We all know that isn’t going to happen no matter how much I sleep. Nothing is every going to be okay, it is never going to feel like everything is going to work out.

I think the main thing that is bothering me is the money issue. I feel like I am behind and now the fact I bought this truck and it is no good and I spent all my money on it. If I hadn’t bought it I would have money to do what I need to. I could have caught my bills up, got things we need for the house. I didn’t catch things up, I figured I would get them caught up the next few weeks they weren’t that bad. I owed a month maybe two on some but that was it. But then missing three days of work from the 4th of July and spending money on things that come up.

I think I could of took that money and moved on it. If I wasn’t going to have a vehicle then I could of at least moved. I feel like I have put us in such a bad spot again.

I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I feel like I need to do something. I need to do something, something dramatic or big or I don’t know. I just need some kind of change. I feel like I am in this never ending rut of here this is going to go good things are turning, ha ha nope back to your rut nothing good for you. Nothing good that is going to make a difference or really get us somewhere or make things easier or nicer or just work out for us. I feel like we are not supposed to be happy.

I feel like I need to be so many other places than work but work takes top over everything else. Little Bitty is having such a hard time with me not being there, the other kids are as well. I can’t do anything but just keep telling them they are going to get better and that I have to do this to keep things going. I say it and I don’t feel it. I don’t feel things are going to get better. I feel that we are all dealing with this and going through this, I am wore out and drained and that we are getting no where. I just keep doing it to try and not sink, hope that it gets better, that something will change.

Then my mind goes other places it shouldn’t even go, like how are my kids going to get by the way things are, are they going to be made at me and want nothing to do with me because of the way things are now, are they going to blame me for all we have been through and the fact we struggle so much, are they going to not want anything to do with me or are they going to understand and see that I cared, that I tired that I struggled and in more ways than one. That It has been so hard on me and all my swings and moods, depression and all that. That it has all made things that much harder and why some things are the way they are. Does it matter? Why does it matter?

{August 28, 2018}   I Pushed Him Away

A memory from 6 years ago popped up on my page a few minutes ago. I said something about all the changes about to happen, looking for a job and new house. I am pretty sure this was when I Foundout I was pregnant with Little Bitty.

I looked through the comments and RC and me had commented back and forth and some others said stuff. But one of his comments was you act like your a lone in this. I am here to with you or something like that. Just saying he going through it to we need to be together i wasn’t a lone. I told him i knew he was i was sorry he felt alone or that way or what. That i wasn’t tryi n g to make things harder on him. He said he was there maybe one day I would see that he loved me.

I cried reading it. Because it just hit me that he was trying and I just pushed him away. I know at the time i felt so overwhelmed, depressed and like I couldn’t function. I felt a lone i really did. I felt like he was against me too and mad at me. I guess to a point he probably was because i shut down wasn’t talking. He tried and tried to get me to i say i was fine or we already talked about it. I didnt want to keep talking about the same old same make him feel bad things had not changed yet or i felt it was or he wasn’t doing enough or what. But i also didn’t check in with him to really see how he was feeling or thought or needed. I wasn’t close with him like we had been. I just sat alone left him to deal on his own.

It is no wonder he did what he did. He felt he wasn’t wanted or good enough probably. Just what I was trying to keep him from feeling. It was shortly after that he found his little girl and everything came crashing in. I was pushing him away she was there for him to turn into.

I am not saying it was right or that he is blameless. He did somethings too but now I see why. It was just the perfect storm at the wrong time. I have always said it was my fault too. But its never really hit me what I really done. I knew I done things but nothing that couldn’t be fixed. But i didn’t know i done that the way I did.

{June 29, 2018}   Lunch With The Owner

I do not know how this is going to go, I am waiting on the girl from work to pick me up so we can meet the owner and his wife for lunch.

This is not something I was supposed to be apart of. This was a business kind of thing between the two of them and a clear the air for some things she wanted to talk to him about.

Since my truck broke down and I am going in on my day off she is picking me up for work. She just called about an hour ago and said your going too get ready I will be there in a bit. She told him she is picking me up and that boss wanted us in early today because we have close to 40 people coming all at once today. He told her to bring me too.

I’m like great just what I wanted to do with my day off. I really do not mind I just do not want a lot of shit coming up and going down that could cause problems with my job. It isn’t much but it is better than nothing. And I can get a job to work around it. I can not afford to lose it right now.

But if I am asked about things I am not going to lie or cover it up either. The manager likes to get rid of people he feels is getting to close with the owner. Because he don’t want anyone to know what is going on. He puts hisself on for x hours taking hours we could be getting and need and then goes home. Why we are there working our butts off doing his job and ours and he won’t answer the phone. He sitting at home getting paid. Then we are doing two people’s job’s. There are other things too.

Okay, so this didn’t post earlier like it was supposed to. So I will tell you what happen here.

We were the first ones there, we got inside they had not shown up yet. We were seated given drinks. They showed up a little later.

He sat down and ask what our wants, needs, and things were. The other girl showed him her stickers she made and they talked about that. It came back around to work. And a lot of stuff came up and out. He told us never to feel that we can not come to him or talk to him or his wife about anything that we have a problem with or question about. He said there was miss understanding where that came into play. And taken to far. He said the girl just got fired had it as did everyone and she was calling him for everything and nothing other than just to chit chat. He told the manager she needed to stop and not be coming to him because they ran out of towels in the bathroom what should she do? When we have 100 packs in the closet and she knows because she been there a year. It was nothing more than just to talk to him. She liked him. She 20 he probably 40 something and married. He told him that stuff needed to go to manager if she really needed to know what to do that is what he was there for. Boss took it upon himself to say no one could have owners number.

Owner got mad about something walked outside or something. Not at us stuff going on. His wife was talking to us she said we just need to know and want to know from yall what is going on if things are wrong or there are problems. We aren’t going to throw you under the bus or anything like that. I said I have no problem telling you at all. But I can’t have my job on the line I have 4 kids on my own and I have lost two of my three jobs right now this is all i have left. She said no you do not have to worry about that at all.

Her husband came back and we talked some more. I said you know he says i don’t blow up his phone he never hears from me unless something is wrong but then when it is I have to call 3 or 4 times and he don’t answer. I said fier alarm went off had pull people out of rooms make them go outside. I call 3x he answers the 3 time says figured it must really be important I should probably answer.

I said the day we we booked out and sold every room but 2 and everything was a mess I was by myself for hours. I said owner you been there called 7 or 8 times no answer. Other girl called 2 or 3 none. You left we were starting to get busy. You called got put on hold wanted to know why with two there. I told you it was only me. I said my paper said I had no back up until after 3 as far as I knew I had no one. I said any other job I had all that has happen it was on you sucked it up buttercup and got the job done. Hoped back up at least came after 3.

I thought of something, i said and he told me he told you he yelled at me and got onto me for it, because I should of known to call or what. I said I had people waiting for their rooms, i was reseting, briefing, running to give clues while trying to reset, check people in answer the phones everything i was it doing a 100% everything. He had not answered any of your two phone calls he was not going to magically answer mine. And where did i have time in the middle of all that to sit and call him over and over hoping he would answer for me? His wife said your right, your right yes its just up to you get the job done other places all that already happen its what you were doing. I said but it made me mad he tells me he told you he “yelled” at me for it and took care of the “problemb”. I said he has made that comment a few times and it isn’t right. I said so it makes it look like we just don’t know what we are doing, don’t listen, or just messing up/don’t care it is our fault. When he is the boss he is who i should of been calling but he was not answering. I said so I am over here thinking how many times is he going to say this to cover for his mess up before you go if they are messing up that much get rid of them. I said i know i would its only normal. But you don’t really know what is going on.

He said no don’t worry about that. That won’t happen. I said we don’t know you, you don’t know us we are new you have no reason to think any different than what he says. He said no you two are hard workers your doing good your making me money and keeping my place going. He said with the wedding and other project we have not been around like we need to be. We are going to start being there more. But your work and everything you two do day to day and things are known and greatly appreciated and not forgotten. In other words he is noting who is doing what. He thank me for working fathers day with my grandpa in the hospital. Soon as he sat down today he ask how he was if he was okay everything before we got started. I think he does really care wants to know and will fix problems.

The other girl told them how he talks about him and his girlfriend having sex all the time and stuff. His wife was not happy about that and said a stop needs put to that right away. The other girl ask them too if I was gone come the end of July? And told them how I keep being told i am going to be fired. That once they become more involved there won’t be hours for us I am going to be fired and things. They were shocked said no. I don’t know.

I said I have a question. When booking rooms do we double or tripple book rooms? He ask what I meant. I said so the rooms hold 10 a private experince i was told is 8 or more. But then we are told if the room is already booked not to put anyone else in there. Or we have to talk to both parties and okay it. So if there are 2 people everyone else is told that room is not open at that time. He was livid. He said no we do not do that if it holds 10 sell 10 tickets if you can. It don’t matter if they all know each other.

We told him the other day we had to give away 5 free tickets because one girl messed the bookings all up. Then we had give away 5 t shirts because boss said they got double booked so since they wanted to be alone and had to come back give shirts. He was so mad.

Something was said about discounts he said we have first responders and active military only. Nothing else no retired nothing. He started with all this discount this that. He said this is all we have. I said what about free t shirt for the birthday person when there is a birthday? He said what? Other girl said yeah we give them away all the time. He is really not happy. He said we are going to be there more offten a lot more. Snoop around see what is going on. We can’t say anything right now or he will know we talk to yall.

So I don’t know, what is going to happen or how all this is going to go down. I guess we will see.



{January 4, 2017}   Lost My Widgets

I am not sure what happen but after I finished updating My Project Is Complete I went and was looking around at my blog and the changes. I noticed my widgets were missing. I am not sure what happen to them because they were there and I edited them when I was doing everything else yesterday. I went to see if maybe I hit a button that hid them or erased them by accident since I got so sleepy. When I went to the editor it said there wasn’t a place for them with that theme. I know I picked that theme partly because it had them. They were on the left side of the page instead of the right when I was editing them. I didn’t care for that but was ok with it since I could do everything I wanted to do with it other than having them where I wanted them. I figure you are not going to get everything perfect unless you build your own so I am willing to live with some small things here and there. I looked all over to try and figure out what happen to them but couldn’t so I changed things up a little because I had to get a new theme to use.

I set everything up with the background and header picture then fixed the color for the boxes worked on the font sizes type and color. I like the font to be black but found it hard to read in some places with the background. I like it the way it is and hope that I don’t find anything else I missed or need to fix or change. If I do hopefully it will just be to whats there not starting over. There are a few things with this one I do’t like but again they aren’t going to be 100% when using ones already there. Of course I could be wrong too because maybe I just don’t know what I am doing enough to fix the things I don’t like. Who knows but I am happy with it either way.

So if you checked it out when I posted I finished my project and came back later and thought that it was different yet again or something was just off from when you checked it out. Your not losing it, it is different I did change it. I couldn’t just lose my widgets and not at least try to find them and get them back. I kind of like some of them. I was right about them being there on the first one when I was working on it. They were and I know they were because all the edits and changing to them I did was all there they just weren’t showing up on the page. I was glad to find them and find them just how I remembered leaving them because I was starting to think that I may be losing it.

{August 16, 2016}   Seem’s to be Getting Worse

A while back I told you all I thought something was wrong in my post Don’t Know What is Wrong With Me. I still have not been to the doctor yet, the kids are all just getting back in school tomorrow and on a normal time frame instead of short days. I am really thinking that I need to call in the morning and get in to be seen as soon as I can. I know that the way things are is not right, I know that this in not normal for me and I know it is a lot worse than people think. I know they think it isn’t as bad as I am saying or laugh oh your getting old, forgetful or something like that. It isn’t that I am just forgetting things.

Like I said before I can sit here and read my class stuff two or three times before I know what I read. If I write something or type something I go back and read it to make sure it is right and half the time I have left out words all through it. I had to send an email to one my professors toward the end of my class about work I missed. There was no reason I should have missed it, the night it was due I went to do my work and turn it in. I knew I had not done it, but when I got to the class and looked it up all my work showed done. I was like no I didn’t do the work this week. I looked and looked at the date checked to see if there was something I needed to go back and fix or what, nothing. I said well that’s good I forgot I turned it in already I can have a break tonight watch the movie with the kids.

Later I am looking at grades when they are posted and it shows 0’s for two or three things I didn’t turn in that week. I looked and I had not done them, hadn’t even clicked in and looked at them. I had the wrongs weeks worked pulled up and even with looking at the dates didn’t see that I was on the wrong date. I should have known as soon as I looked at it that it was the wrong week. I went to email her and ask if I could still do them and turn them in even if she took credit off. I put the subject in and then typed my message and sent. Later I looked at it and had to read it for something. I was so shocked and embarrassed, it wasn’t even readable what I was trying to say or ask just about. I am truly not sure how she knew what I was saying or trying to ask her. I have never sent an email like that and not to a teacher for one of my classes.

The other night when cleaning I was looking on line to see when they were going to have the local kids sale. I thought I might take some stuff and try to sell it there if my yard sale didn’t work out. I looked and looked on line and found it and seen that it said it was that week and I missed it. It was the one that was farther away from me and I wanted information about the one that is closer to me as well. I decided to ask on my page on facebook. I ask if anyone knew when the Fall sale over close to me would be or if they had it already. I then said how I looked up and only see information for the one that was farther away from me and that I had missed it since they had it this week. I tagged a lady I know that works at them a lot of times and helps out. I even said to the kids and Father of the Year that I was upset I missed it because I wanted to list some things and I probably could have found some clothes for the kids. In a little bit the lady I tagged, tagged me in a post for the sale. The same one I had read 3 or 4 times and was upset over missing. I started to say to her it had already passed. Then I read it again and figured out that it had not pasted it is almost a month away. I read it wrong and was reading it as being this month. I read it over and over to start with because I was trying to figure out how I hadn’t heard anything about it and missed it.

I know on him sometimes things are missed spelled, left our or not perfect but this is way different and worse than that. Most times when I am on here it is the middle of the night and I am trying to get things off my mind so I can sleep. Then I start to fall a sleep in the middle of some of them and wake up and try to pick up where I left off. But it is different than that kind of thing.

Just like not liking my planer for school because it is different I can’t even tell you what is different but I just remember it being different. I am all the time trying to say one work and another comes out, tonight I was stuttering when me and my oldest went to the store. I have never stuttered in my life. I could not get what I wanted to say out I kept stuttering and trying to find the words I wanted to use.

Now I am scarred I don’t know why it happen or it happen just now when it did, because the thought has never crossed my mind before. But I was just sitting here thinking about it and thinking I really want to go to the doctor about it and things. All of a sudden this chill came over me and the thought it sounds like brain cancer went through my mind. Never ever once since this started happening did I think it was something like that. I just thought it was from the accident. I don’t know why I want to go to the doctor but I just have this overwhelming feeling that I need to go to the doctor about it right away lately. Even though I really don’t think it is anything that anything can be done about, I have just felt I needed to go and talk to them about it find out what was damaged or what when we were in the accident and if that would be why I am this way. I never thought I would find out it could be something worse. Now I want to go but I don’t want to go. I don’t know what to do or think. It brings up a lot of thoughts and questions and decisions and thoughts of how it would affect me and the kids and everything. The question of do I really want to know now or do I just want o forget about it and keep moving forward.

I feel kind of sick or ill. The thought about my post Moody and Shifting just popped in my head and that maybe that is why I feel such a big change is happening or going to happen. Because if they said I had something like that it would change a lot of things and a lot of people would be affected and it would be really bad for my kids.

Why did I have to have that thought and think of my post along with all the rest of my thoughts? I wasn’t even going to write this post and couldn’t decided if I had or hadn’t all ready. Then I found my other and still felt I needed to write something and wrote this one. I was going to write it when I sat down the write the first one I posted and wrote something else. Then I decided to do it the second time and didn’t. I was going to bed after the second one and just couldn’t I had to write more and now this is what I get from it all. I just don’t know what to think.


et cetera
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