{July 31, 2020}   Maybe He will Leave Too

Do not sabotage your new relationship with your last relationship’s poison.    Steve Maraboli

I seen the above picture and saying and it just fit my day so well unfortunately. I think I told you all about J.W. going away for his daughter’s high school graduation and 19th birthday. With the covid mess graduation was put off as most were. It is finally here. I hadn’t really thought about it. I am happy for him. He is going to get to see all 3 of his kids, brother and mom. He hasn’t seen them in awhile.

I took the morning off to drive him to the airport. I got up and went over like always. He was packed and ready so we slept for a bit. Then got up and went to get his hair cut and head out. I wanted to go get breakfast but I got the times messed up. He was leaving an hour earlier than I thought. So we went got coffee and gas and I dropped him off.

But as soon as I open my eyes this morning before I could roll over and get off the bed these thoughts went through my head.

R.C. went on a trip, he went to see his kid, he flew there for a few days and flew home. You know what happen then he left you. He didn’t want anything to do with you. Isn’t it interesting JW’s flying out to see his kids, you’re not going, his ex is going to be there too. He hasn’t seen or talked to her in years. Wonder what he’s going to do when he gets back? He’s probably going to get rid of you too. You have so much baggage why wouldn’t he? This is the perfect time. He can just come home ignore you or tell you how great it was to see his ex and he don’t want this anymore.

All this went through my mind in a matter of seconds as I open my eye’s and rolled over. I was already bothered by having to go to the next county to take him to the airport. I hate driving over there with all the highways and roads criss crossing and tolls. I didn’t need or want to deal with these thoughts and feelings on top of it. I tried to forget it. I kept telling myself it wasn’t true, he isn’t like that, things are different between us. All the things you tell yourself when you have these thoughts. But you know how that is, it don’t work.

I kept wanting to ask him if we were alright? If anything was wrong? I wanted to ask him if he was sure he was happy with us or if there was anything he wasn’t happy with. I did manage to get through the morning without saying anything to him. But later realised I was kind of distant and withdrawn.

I posted a different saying or what on Facebook. Later after work I was talking to Bff and she asked what it was about. I broke down and could hardly tell her. She was thinking about RC but not about his trip. Then she said oh yeah I forgot about that. We were talking. She kept saying he is nothing like RC he loves you so much you can see it and the way he treats you and does for you. I know it but i can’t stop the thoughts.  I went to the fast food place to get a float and their machine was down. I went to back out of line and turn around and I backed into the car behind me. He was so close I did not see him in any of my mirrors. I got out all I could do was tell him how sorry I was i didn’t see him. His car looked fine mine did he said everything was good not to worry about it. I always look around me. I don’t just use my mirrors but I was just upset and tired. Just looked at them and went.

I still want to message JW see what he is doing and ask him if we are okay. I have heard from off and on all day. He told me he was there then after work he told me he was at the room with his mom and one of his daughters. We talked about the accident a little. When he told me he was at the motel he told me he wish i had come with him and how he missed me later.

But now I lay here it is a little after 12 and I thinking why hasn’t he said anything? Why hasn’t he said goodnight or I love you? Something must be wrong. He must be mad about something. He is to busy to even say goodnight. He must not really care or he would of. RC didn’t call or message you either other than to tell you what you did wrong or didn’t do. I know it is crazy not true but it makes me feel so sick. He is gone for 3 more days. He will be back Sunday evening around dinner time. I just don’t know if I will make it without saying something. I don’t want to mess his trip up.

{March 22, 2019}   What To Do About Friends

I have been thinking the last week or so since I wrote I Let go of The Baggage it just don’t seem real. How can one thing like that happening make you just let it all go and feel so free? What about that night done it? Why that night and that and not anything else? I told you I am a thinker and want to know the who, what, why, how, with everything. I don’t feel anything but really free, at peace, happy. I don’t feel angry, bitter, revengeful or anything like that anymore. It feels good.

I also don’t feel lonely anymore. I had said to Bff right before this happen that I was starting to wonder if it was worth it and if I really wanted to try this or not. I may have even said it here as well but not sure. But I did and I cared and I wanted it. But then everything happen and I am just like oh well whatever.

I was upset at first but once I came around and started feeling better after everything it was like it just disappeared. I haven’t talked to my “friend” since before that night happen. He wanted me to come over I told him I was seeing someone he said he seen people too that was okay. I told him we were together. He didn’t say anything. I haven’t told him different, he hasn’t contacted me since and i haven’t him.

I wanted to the other night when we were all out the other week. But at the same time I really didn’t. I wanted that person to hangout with or what but that was really it. Just like go out hangout like a date.

My old friend hit me up the other week and wanted me to come over. I told him I couldn’t at the time I had to work or something. He said soon we hadn’t hung out in a while. I told him I knew that we would soon, I was going to be working down by him.

Really I have conflicting feelings about going and seeing him too. I don’t know if I really want to or not. Bff says I should and we should hangout more and see what happens where it goes. But I don’t know if I want it to go anywhere with him. He is a great guy but I just don’t now if he is the one for me. I don’t know if I would feel I could trust him if we were together. He cheated on his ex wife and that is part of the reason they are divorced. He told me all about it and how bad he feels for it wish he hadn’t and things. He tells me all the time I don’t talk to no other girls or hangout with no other girls but you. He tells me how he likes hanging out with me and how we need to hang out more and we don’t do things together much. I was going there all the time then he went away to work for a while. Then the bitch came back to the house I don’t get out like I was.

I don’t know I guess there is still a lot I feel maybe I don’t know about him or maybe I feel that we are at different points in life maybe. I feel like I am working my ass off and trying to do better and not that he don’t  work his ass off or try or want better. But that maybe he is just kind of taking a break right now. I don’t know. He would move he wants property out and things like me and the kids want. He likes horses and can work with them train them and things. He wants a few too.

But I think the comment about not ever bringing kids into it bothers me too. How he would do with my kids and things like that if it turned into something more. Would he want to bring kids into it at some point down the road? Or is he just looking for someone to do like we are now but more often? If I am with someone I make time to see them and things. But I don’t want to do that all the time. I want to be together have the kids involved at some point but not from start. I don’t want to feel stretched between them and someone else all the time.

He said something else too a while back and I can’t think of what it was that kind of made me feel that yeah he is a good friend fun to hangout with go on a date with or whatever you want to call it now and then but it wouldn’t be more. I can’t think of it for the life of me.

I got off early last night and was going to stop by there and see what he was up to. But he never answered his phone or messaged me back. I tried calling because I have horrible service at my second job but it went right to voicemail. I didn’t know if it was because of my service, his phone not working like before or it was off/dead. I drove over there but decided not to stop. Later he messaged me and said he was out on the like with the guys his phone had died. It was late I figured he put it on to charge and went to bed.

I am thinking about asking him what he is doing tonight since I get off early. Maybe stop by and see him. I don’t know yet. I started messaging him earlier and stopped didn’t send it. Just stop by hangout and talk for a bit maybe go out. I may message him on the way to work.

I haven’t even really thought about meeting or trying to meet anyone else or being alone lately. It hasn’t been on my mind or bothering me like it was for a long time before that. I just feel like oh well whatever happens with whoever will happen whenever or I will just be alone from now on. I think about contacting my “friend” and it is like why? He isn’t coming around he isn’t contacting you let him think you are with someone maybe he will find someone and be happy. Because I am not interested in getting with him.

Sometimes I think am I being to picky? But I really don’t think I am, I mean I gave him a chance but he wasn’t interested in more or doing more with his life at the time. Now he is but I feel like it’s to late, and we are not looking for the same thing really in big area’s.


{July 24, 2018}   Who Is Being Shown Something?

I talk to Sleeping Beauty a little bit yesterday morning and then he stop talking again. I figured he was at work but wasn’t sure. He said late the night before he may not make it his chest was hurting. I told him anxiety. He said he didn’t know. So I ask if he was working but he didn’t say. I messaged a few times about things we been talking about. He said nothing. I figured he must be working.

Late last night I wanted to message him ask him about meeting up this week but I didn’t. Everytime I started to something stopped me. About 1130 i got a message from him saying why is it so hard for me to get over this girl?

I ask who what was going on. He told me it was his ex from the past. She keeps getting back in the picture and stringing him along. One minute she is calling the police and won’t give him his stuff from storage to the next she needs her car worked on or wants a new one even and needs help to talking to him. She thought he should sighn for a new car for her even though she was with someone else.

Anyway he told me who I figured he just been thinking about her since all is going on he feels a lone and things. Nope he dropped the bomb they have been going to lunch and dinner and talking. Thats fine we aren’t together or anything but it was still a shock to me he hadn’t brought her up in awhile. I had no idea they were talking again. That is fine too because he don’t know everything I am doing or what. I don’t expect to know it was just a surprise because I wanted to meet talk to him about how I feel and now i dont know if it is a good time. At first I had this sick sinking feeling we went on talking.

I told him he could not get over her because she keeps stringing him along. He said he knew. I told him he hasn’t had closure she ended the relationship out of no where unexpectedly he said. I told him he is dealing with a lot feeling lonely she feels safe because he still cares even though she don’t.

He said he didn’t know what he needed. Then he said he just wanted her to listen to him without fighting with him and running away. I said you have been going to lunch, dinner talking and things why haven’t you said what you want to say? He said he is trying but he didn’t want to ruin it.

As I was talking to him and thinking about my own feelings and not sure where i stood on what I want to do now. I thought what do I do with this? I thought maybe I am being shown something. But I didn’t feel ithat was it. Then Something said he is being shown so he can have closure.

I said to him, If she is with someone and talking to and going to lunch with you she was probably doing the same behind your back. Maybe your being shown something you need to see to move on.

He said that’s what I need to know. I said what if she was? Meaning that what he needs to know. He thought I was asking a what is she was then what? He said then I am done.

I said…Most likely people do not just up and end a relationship with no reason like that unless there something they don’t want foundout. He said he knew then stop talking? I ask where he went. Said he was hungry. We talked a few he said he had to get some sleep. I needed to as well it was after 1 am. I had no idea it was that late.

But i don’t feel I am being shown something. I think its more he is and knows it just needs a sounding board to vent to or talk to. To say no your right in your thinking or what. Help him see it because even though its there he don’t want it to be true.

I am going to talk to him some tonight. See how it goes.

{May 11, 2017}   The Bringer Of Bad News

I am friends with Wanda’s ex we have pretty much been friends as long as me and Wanda have been friends. They were together when I met her and started hanging out with her. We bullshit back and forth and things, sometimes he went places when we would go places for the day. I messaged him earlier tonight joking around about something but only put part of it, I was waiting for his reply I was going to tell him the rest. It was hours later he replied. I was doing something and didn’t reply back right away so he called. He was worried something had happened by what I put earlier then he hadn’t seen it for hours and I didn’t reply back.

He said he was outside talking to the people next to him when someone else they all knew showed up and he got stuck talking to them half the night. He isn’t really friends with them they use to be. He starts telling me how he found out Wanda had slept with this one that one and another all while they were together. I said well there was also Mr.X next to you also. He was like really? I said remember when she got the guy next doors car in the middle of the night and went to the boat ramp? I said and you know how Mr.X and so and so are fighting? Well it is because so and so was trying to get with her and she went and met Mr.X and so and so seen them took pictures and everything else. He is threatening to tell the wife and probably you and this is why they are all fighting. I said oh and the one at your house telling you all this, her ex husband she told me she slept with him as well. I thought it was in the past but I am not sure now. I thought so and so was in the past too and she came off with all this the other day not long before everything happen I made her leave.

He was like I got to go I am going to be up for a while I will probably message you later. I said okay that’s fine. Later he messaged me and was like I feel like an ass? I said why? He said she been sleeping with all these guys the whole time we been together. I had no clue, I feel like I should have known and the way she has done. I said look from my understanding what she told me she slept with them all like once, no that it is any better or makes it okay. But it isn’t like she was going out every weekend or all the time and doing it or bringing them there when you weren’t there doing it. It was like a once a year or so kind of thing. No one would have known probably, I said look at what she has been doing with Father of the Year for how long now and we didn’t know. How are we supposed to know that is what she was doing? How were we supposed to know that she was lying to either of us? We took her at face value she had changed, we didn’t see any sign of anything to say different so we believed her. She just took everyone for a ride and used them. No reason to feel like you done anything wrong. He said I know but it’s a lot to swallow all of a sudden at one time, and now Mr.X is over here doing stuff and helping me out getting things done around the house and things. This is probably why he been fucking her and he is laughing in my face about it now because I am to stupid to know it. I said well yeah that part is messed up he isn’t right and does this shit all the time with whoever he can get to mess with him. I said they both got problems and his old lady does too because how many times she knows about and she still keeps him. He said yeah I know I just have to deal with it.

I still don’t understand how people do these things. I told him other things she said and done while we were talking as well. I told him I said the stuff that she said you had said to her I figured you were already figuring she was leaving or knew what she had done or been doing. He said nope and that didn’t happen and that didn’t happen either. I said I didn’t know i figure by what she said you were saying there wasn’t really any reason to say anything and that you knew. He said nope half that shit or more was never brought up and i never said that stuff.

Last night my mom wanted to take a ride to his job and see if he was still there and talk to him. We got there about 930/945 because we didn’t know if he would be working a 8 or 10 hour night. He would be off by 10 if it was only 8. She wanted to go today but we weren’t sure if he was working because if they work 10 hours days he wouldn’t work again until Monday evening but working 8 hour nights he work Friday and Saturday too. We went ahead and went last night to see. We got there there his truck was sitting there. I thought it was odd windows were cracked. I pulled up behind it so he could’t pull out. We got out there was a guy with tools putting them in a truck we asked if he was there he took us right inside here he was coming down the hall pushing his little cart. As soon as he seen us she started freaking out what are you doing here get out leave you have to leave. I was telling him I needed the money he owed me and that the lights were going to go off this morning if I didn’t pay them. He got right on the phone and ran the other way and hid. He called the police. We were trying to see where he went because she wanted to ask him if he had all he wanted from her house so she could throw it all away. The other guy was back inside he started saying we had to leave. She asked him to ask him let us know we were leaving. As we were leaving we ran into him in the hall we asked him he was yelling at us leave just leave she asked him again he said yes he had all his stuff out of there and that he didn’t want anything else. I was telling him the kids were asking for him they were in the truck and wanted to see him. He said he didn’t care just to leave. We went out she got in the truck they were telling me to look in his truck I said nothing in there. The kids were saying no something or someone was in there. I couldn’t hear them the windows were up. I finally walked over and looked in the driver door because I was right there on that side. Sure as shit she is laying up in his truck sleeping. Well acting like it the kids said soon as we walked inside she started looking for something they think she picked up the phone. I think he must have called her before he called the police to see if she was out there or knew we were there. I was beating on the window telling her to get out she wouldn’t she just lay there looking at me. He was at the door of the school holding the door so it couldn’t be opened with him inside watching me beating on the window of his truck telling her to get out. He didn’t bother to come out side and try to tell me to leave her alone or get away from his truck nothing. I finally just left as I was pulling away the police had pulled up and was getting out. They stopped me and ask what was going on I told her I just came there to try to talk to him when he got off work let him know what was going on that he started yelling and screaming at me as soon as he seen us and called them we had done nothing. They took my id and everything came back said not to come back there or go looking for him I was going to be the one to end up in trouble not him blah blah. I said that is fine I don’t plan to, thought maybe we could talk like adults and he would at least say something to his kids that are sitting in the truck 2 feet from him calling him wanting to know why he won’t call or come over like he told them he would. But I guess it just shows everyone and them what kind of person he really is and that he really don’t care about anyone but him self. She said because it was domestic there would be a report made that if I needed it I could come down and pick it up.
Who know what all he said in it and how many lies he told them because he was talking to them a long time, a lot longer than they talked to us before and after we were done talking to them. He was still standing there with them when we left talking to them. The officer said no one was in trouble no one had said any one done anything to anyone or anything like that so I am not worried about it. They have my name and address and everything if they need me they can come talk to me. Because the guy that works with him was there and the kids everyone knows no one did anything to anyone. If he wants to try that crap.

I talked to her ex again and said she was asking him about me again. She asked if he told me he had my keys? He told her yes I was getting them this weekend. She said oh no bullshit there or something like that. He said what between me and her no we are straight why would there be? He said he told him then she thought they were straight too. He said me and you no we are far from straight or ever being straight I just trying to be an adult about everything get your stuff out of my house so I don’t have to deal with or talk to you ever again you have burnt this bridge to many times basically is what he told her. They have known each other since they were 14 he has always helped her out he has been her safe place to run all her life when shit hits the fan with whatever guy of the night/week she is with when it don’t work. He told her he is done not just because of how she went about leaving but the fact of what she done to the kids and the jam she left us in. He loves me kids he always has, we had made plans to all get together they were going to come over him the kids were going to cook dinner for me and Wanda and all of us watch a move. My kids like him as well and they had been talking about cooking and different things. They decided to get together and do that, he has never had kids of his own and his siblings and their kids live out of state and grown or whatever. But this is how close we all were, he came over before when she was watching the kids to hangout watch tv with them and do whatever. He is the one when I was joking with Wanda before about having my kids if something happen my Big Guy said so he will be our new daddy? When we said you have a daddy he said oh yeah I forgot. So the way him and her are doing the kids now after being so close her saying they are like family and things he is done.

He even said today if you jerked her out of the car and stomped her ass last night I wouldn’t blame you I want to watch or see a video because it is about time she got what she has coming. He said but don’t go do something like that again and take them. He said he has that report now and shows you brought the kids and that isn’t good for you if he goes to court. I said I know but I didn’t expect that to happen. I really just figured he see the kids talk to them tell me go to hell he wasn’t giving me anything and we would go on. I said I figured I try that slim chance he may be a man and say okay I will call pay the lights in the morning when my check goes in. But he was a scared whipped puppy and yelled and called the police. He said I just don’t want to see him use it against you and you lose the kids. He said I could careless what you do to either one of them and you have every right too after what they have done. But the kids do not need to be with them and will not be happy with them. He told them he still like together and cook and watch a movie maybe one night he would come over give me a break let me go out for a little bit they could make dinner and watch a movie.

My other friend that I use to talk to and hang out with all the time came home why I was there and she walked over and was talking to us. She was talking about how she got a hold of her and wanted her to be okay with it and things. She said she told her no it wasn’t right this was very wrong and what she did was not forgive-able that you do not do that kind of thing. She said she had tried to get a hold of another friend of theirs as well the other night why father of the year was at work and he wasn’t talking to her either. I don’t know about him if he is or not but they figure she is just trying to make peace with someone so that she has somewhere to go and this time she has burnt her bridges. She told her but how was she supposed to ignore her feelings? He was her soul mate, they were meant for each other. She said I have seen how he is I have seen how he did her, I have seen the abuse first hand, I have seen how unstable he really is, said she told her but she was different, he wouldn’t do that to her, it wasn’t like that with her he wouldn’t ever treat her that way. She said okay it is always different with the next one until he snaps on them, it is always going to be different, he has always changed when the new one comes along. That is what ever abuser says, they say it was her fault she did this and that to cause it too but you are going to see and he just may hurt you. She said something about the kids and Wanda told her oh the kids loved her they were like family they like her and they wouldn’t be a problem. She said yeah that was before you and him ran off and did all this shit and done them and their mom the way you are leaving them to fight and struggle. She said her kids are not stupid kids, they are very smart and understand way more than you think and they are not going to be like family and like you after all this. Said she said oh your taking her side after all she said about you and said she was going to do? She said yes I am because regardless of anything else wrong is wrong and what you did is wrong, it’s very wrong and I am seeing now that a lot of it was just lies from you. She said her problem is she is sick no one ever puts her in her places calls her out or whatever they all try to help her protect her or what over look the crap she does. She said I had a lot then just was done with her and then this happen and I am seeing and finding out a lot that was lies.

She also told me that she has messages saying that she told her she was just using me to get food and the things she needed, that she wasn’t really friends with me and things. She said then you were here all the time going places doing things every time I seen you two together you were always laughing and things. She said now she did you this way and you aren’t forgiving her, you aren’t over looking it, you are standing up to her and now others are too and she has no where to turn and she is scared. I said well you know I am not going to back down I don’t care who it is I will stand up to them with no problem or thought of ever backing down. She said lord I know that you wanted to go beat on RC’s door at 9 at night when you were pregnant and I wouldn’t let you. I said yes I did I would have too if you had stopped the car. I said I don’t care I would have done it, she said I know she has met her match I feel sorry for her because she is on her own with this and what she done because it was so wrong.

{November 11, 2016}   You either Trust or You Don’t

How can you be in a relationship with someone that you do not trust? I don’t know for everyone else but for me trust is like one of the biggest things to me if not the biggest. I can’t just trust you in some areas and not others. I have to trust you 100% or I can’t have a relationship more than friends with you.

I have friends who do not trust their other half to do things without them. Like the other weekend when me and my friend went out, I asked another friend to go with us. She told me she couldn’t because it would break her “rule” and she didn’t want to break it or then her husband would or could.

I was a little confused, she said that she don’t want him going out alone or with his friends because she is scared he will cheat on her. So she has a rule that if they go out they have to go out together.

Me and her can go out to lunch, shopping, or anything else. But we can’t have a girls night out and go have drinks or go to a bar or two like me and my other friend did. Because if he did he might cheat.

I understand that he cheated in the past and it was when he went out and left her at home. But that has been forever ago and they were both into a lot of things and different people back then. Their life then is nothing like it is now. They both have over come a lot and have done a 180 in life.

I could never stay with someone who cheated on me, it is a deal breaker. For me trust is hard for me to give to that degree and very few people get it. If I have chosen to trust you to that extent and you break it then it can’t be regained.

That is the main thing that happen with me and Father of the Year. He broke the trust and since he did that no matter what I did or tried I do not feel I can trust him again. Not to the degree to have a intimate relationship. Really not much of any kind of relationship other than being civil to each other for the sake of the kids. It was like an instant thing when he did it and hit happen.

I understand her hubby cheated but to me if you agree to stay together then you have forgiven and trust again. Maybe not right away but 10 years later if you do not trust them have you really forgiven? Do you really have a relationship? If you only trust them to go work and come home?

He goes fishing sometimes but then she gets upset if he don’t answer his phone or a few times he has come home and left his phone at work and she was mad. Why he needed to leave his phone at work, what was he hiding and things. Really he just forgot it because he can’t keep it in his pocket all the time.

I really don’t know what to say to her when she says she can’t break her rule and go because then he can if he wants and she don’t want him to. Or she gets all mad because he forgot his phone at work, or can’t get a hold of him for a few minutes why he is fishing or at the store. Because I could not live that way. I have made the comment that if I don’t know how she lives like that if I don’t trust who I’m with I’m not with them. She just say’s your single or if you were married you would understand. I told her I went out when I was married it didn’t stop me. Because we both knew who we were with and were happy and weren’t worried about the other looking for someone else. He went out if he wanted to, I didn’t care. Neither one of us went out very often with friends without the other because we liked going together and spending the time together. But if we wanted to go with friends wasn’t a big deal.

I understand wanting to go with the other and spend the time together or liking to go together, but when the other isn’t around to go because of work or what then that isn’t an excuse. Like the other week when we went out she said if her hubby was off to go they would love to go out with us but he had to work. I didn’t say anything. She knows that I don’t get out often at all so I have to go when I can. I didn’t say it to her but sometimes I want to go out with just the girls and not have the guys tag alone. It gives us a chance to talk and just relax.

Me and my friend stopped by her house at like 2 am when things closed, before we went home. She was so thrilled we stopped by and had been sitting there depressed all night because everyone she knew was out or at parties and she was sitting home alone all night, while he worked. He didn’t get home until after 5 am. She would have been home long before he got home so that wasn’t a problem either. Just that she don’t trust him and she would rather sit there depressed and miserable all night alone.

I just couldn’t live that way. It’s like if you do not have full trust in someone then how can you have a relationship if you want to. You have to stop and think about everything you want to do or they might want to do and decide if you trust them to do it or not then give them permission to do it or lay down rules like a parent. I don’t want to feel like someone’s parent I want to feel like an equal.

In relationships in the past it has never been one asking the other if they could do something or telling them they can’t. If we wanted to go out with friends we would check with the other to make sure there wasn’t something else going on and it worked for both of us. If we didn’t like something the other done then we talked about it with them and let them know why. Sometimes the other would agree not to do what ever it was again, other times they may say well I understand how you feel but I can’t say I won’t do it again because of this that and the other and then a happy middle would be found or the other would just have to understand that this is how it was. But most times a happy middle was found or it just wasn’t done again.

That is how a relationship should be not a rules and permission kind of thing.

{December 27, 2014}   Names, Numbers And Text

A while back we went on a camping trip and before we left there was a huge fight. Where father of the year say here and acused me of seeing other people and not careing about my kids and all kinds of other stuff. Again I’m not but so what if I was, we are not together. You can read it here if you would like Catching Up.

Well the other night he went on a call and left his phone here. I was calling him to get information about what his dad send the kids for Christmas. I picked it up to look at the text. He gives me his phone when he is here all the time so it isn’t a big deal. I was flipping through the text and found one that was just a number but no name.

Babe I’m working till 7 I love you.  then another that says I miss you.

The other person replies I love and miss you more I’m done at 5:30.

he says K how is everything. they don’t reply again until later it then they say can you find out about how much I make I need to know for the daycare.

There are no more text back and forth after that at all. This was on October 6 th. I kept looking at them thinking there was something about them I was missing but couldn’t figure it out. Then a few days later I was telling my friend J about it and it hit me. The date they were sent the 6 th of October 3 days after the camping trip. The day after we came back. The way they were talking says to me they been talking and doing whatever they are doing for a while so long before the camping trip probably.

This why he was so very nasty and so stuck on me seeing someone and screwing around as he says. I even said to my friend I don’t know what is going on he is so nasty lately and just starting for no reason then we had that huge fight he put a hole in my bedroom door and things. I guess he was feeling guilty. I don’t know why because whoever she or he is they can have him. I don’t want him we aren’t together and they would be doing me a huge favour by taking him. He has no reason to act the way he was and say the things he did. I just find it funny there haven’t been any more text back and forth and why she would want him to find out how much she was going to be making for the daycare. Why wouldn’t she know what she was going to be making? There aren’t any women working at his job but one she has been there forever since she was like 18 or something and she is almost 40. she knows what she is making and she has a old man and kids at home. The rest are guys in the shop and the guys running the trucks. There aren’t any women. It’s also a long distance number but it looks like one of them numbers where you can download a app and it give you a different number you can call and text with.

My friend gave me a big flat screen tv. I had to take the seat out of the truck to be able to lay it down in the back to get it home. We went and got it and we got it unloaded at home. I went out to find the Christmas stuff. I see this little piece of paper folded up laying in the side in back of the truck. I started to not pick it up but something said get it and look at it. I turned reach in and grabbed it before I closed it. I unfold it and it is a slip off a pad where they right your order down when you go somewhere to eat. It says some name on it I can’t tell and has a phone number on it. Then it says brother and has another number written on it. I folded it up and put it a way.

No one is ever rides in my truck buy the kids and my friend J. She don’t ride back there and if the kids had gotten a number somewhere we were for something I would have known about it. We haven’t even been out to eat lately but to the dinner for lunch. It was me J and the kids. No one got any numbers there. My truck has been cleaned out and everything taken out back there not that long a go as well.

I don’t know why he has to be this way over it. Why come in and have such huge nasty fights when your the one doing whatever is being done. Why say such things about me and the kids as he said just to make everyone feel bad or to make me look bad to the kids? Go do what you are going to do want to do or whatever and leave me and the kids out of it. I really don’t care if you want her, she wants you go for it she will be doing me a huge favour. It will get him to go away and leave me alone for once maybe. Don’t do what your going to do and then come in my house and treat me like I am doing something wrong. I haven’t talk to anyone since me and RC split up.

I didn’t say anything it isn’t worth having a big fight about. I don’t care just wish he would find one that really wants his ass and he would go and leave us alone. But when he starts his shit again I am going to pull it all out and say something. Tell him not to be jumping on me for what he is doing and feeling guilty about.

I know he is probably feeling guilty because he still tells me all the time how he still cares about me, he can’t get over me, he just wants to fix things. He was just telling me the other night when they kids weren’t here how it drives him crazy when I get so mad at him and things because he still cares. I just look at him like ok whatever. He says what I can’t help how I feel I don’t know if I will ever get over you I just want to fix things. I tell him that its to late. He just says I know. See I don’t feel guilty for wanting to move on, I didn’t feel guilty when me and RC were together or when I was talking to my friend before me and RC. I don’t have anything to feel guilty for. I don’t have feelings for him what we had is done and over. He says how can you just go and do this or that and act like it don’t bother you. I tell him because it don’t. He says I am just saying these things to hurt him. I’m not I really don’t. I can do a lot of things I do because of the things I have been through I look at things a lot different now than I did when we were together or before we got together. And since everything happen with RC since him has really just kind of sealed the deal how I feel and look at things any more. I am tired of being hurt and treated like I don’t matter. If I am going to be for here and now and until something better comes along not forever then I am going to start looking at things the same way and not being as emotionally into things any more. Enjoy it while it last and move on. If it ends up being more than great if not no harm done.

But he tells me how he can’t afford to divorce me that he isn’t going to be able to have a place to live and pay child support. That is why he is fighting it so hard besides the fact he wants us back together. That is why when he made us homeless twice he ended up with me and my friends and family. Because his family wasn’t going to take him in. His friends weren’t offering to help him or take him in either. But it is time to grow up and be a man, if your job isn’t going to pay you enough to take care of what needs taken care of then you find one that pays more. If you can’t then you find another. I know plenty of people who work 2 or 3 jobs to make it. I would be working as many as I had to if I had a sitter. But I don’t have a free baby sitter around the clock so I can work whatever job I want to work or do what I want to do and not have to ever think about the kids like him and RC have.

I haven’t went for my divorce because he threatens he wants custody and he wants this and that all the time. He will get in there and fight it and stop it again. If I really get it back in court he will get his family to get him a lawyer. They have nothing to do with him 99.99% of the time but if he was going to court with me they would be behind him 100% and pay for a lawyer even though they have no idea what so ever what is going on how he treats the kids what he has done or anything else. I really don’t think it would matter if they knew. They would still help him to fight and get them even if he really don’t need to have them all the time. He has said it over and over to me again and again and to others that he don’t want them full time he can’t handle taking care of them full time. He just wants them on weekends and holidays and summer. The other summer shows he can’t even handle having them half a summer like he is supposed to. But here were we are if you show up with a lawyer and the other side don’t have one then you are just out of luck they get what they want. It isn’t worth it to me to risk losing my kids to him just because he wants to show me and get at me and not pay.

I am going to get a new set of divorce papers and I am going to have a lawyer fill them out for me. I am going to tell them I want child support, alimony, him to carry life insurance on himself, health insurance on the kids and anything else I can ask for. I don’t think I will get it all but if I don’t ask I don’t have a chance at getting it. I should be able to get alimony for sure because we have been married for 11 years going on 12 and we have been living together in the same house all but about a year of that. And that was years ago we have been for the last 2 to 3 years now. Really only for about 6 months do we show different addresses at all.

At this point the way he did me and the kids and still treat us he should have to at least pay alimony til me and the kids can get back on our feet and half of what it cost for daycare he isn’t having to worry about it and it is letting him work too. I just feel like he has done everything he can to keep us in the spot we are in even when I was willing to ask for nothing more than child support. He has kept me from working all this time refusing to come home and watch the kids when he could or to pay for child care to keep me from working then he should pay what I could have been making.





et cetera
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