{October 26, 2018}   If There Is A God

It is 2:45 am and my mind is racing from one thing to another and then another. I have to have kids at school by 7:40 and be at work by 9 to open. Normally I would work until 2 but my new hours I am there until 5. That is if they are not busy and don’t need me after that. But I just have to much on my mind to sleep.

This has been on it for a few days now. Why is it if you question faith, religion, church, believes, god or all the above, people get nerves and avoid you? They come at you with generic answers that cover nothing and don’t really answer your question. Then they pull out the old trusty go toos. Such as don’t give up now, don’t stop believing or lose faith, you have come so far something will happen soon. Or I don’t know when it is going to happen just wait. You have waited this long, it’s on his time not ours, what if yours was coming tomorrow and you give up today? It’s like all pipe dreams that people hold on to or grasp at in order to keep going or to have something to give them hope. I don’t know, but at this point looking around me at all people are going through and how others walk through life like nothing and everything else. I just feel that is all it is, something someone put there to keep people from just giving up I don’t know. Churches to make money or harbor those that do wrong and make it okay.

Wow looking back and thinking about it church’s all have had problems growing up and still today. The church I grew up in split half the people left because of things that happen with the daycare. The youth leader amd his wife were all involved. I never thought to much about it. I was a teen and wasn’t as involved at that point. It just seemed like a horrible thing that happen.

Thinking about it now and all that has come out as what happen and how the church split and took sides and outcast ones that tried to say something and stood by the ones who did the things and hired legal help and everything for them.

Then how the one me and father of the year was going to how they turned their backs on me and the kids. I wasn’t the only one they turned their backs on. Then to findout they put kids and things in danger and think nothing of it. When something happens tell the kids and parent they should forgive the person and work things out. We aren’t talking hurt my feelings called me a name or wouldn’t let me have something I wanted misunderstand kind of things. Talking people went to jail and prison and things. I understand needing to forgive not for them but yourself. But to work things out stay together, stay friends or what no, no, no that just isn’t right. Then let these people come back and welcome them as if nothing happen not say a word to new people or nothing else. Something is not right about that.

Look at all these huge churches you see, the preacher can’t know all those people that come there and have a relationships and things. I bet you not even a quarter of them are even close or able to get a hold of him and have a true preacher congregation memeber relationship. The congregation can’t even know eachother and have a true church family kind of relationship. It seems to be all about the money with them. Being popular.

Then you have others who seem to have a good balance and close and involved with members and memebers invloved doing things together. But then they become more of a clique it seems if you don’t fit in their cookie cutter.

I have been involved in all different ways from a member, to a techer to childcare worker, to being involved in the meetings of the church helping to make decisions and vote on things with the elders and preacher to an outsider looking in. And all that I have seen and experienced in and out of church and having time to really sit back take it all in think about it really has me questioning a lot and leaving me with a hard time believing seeing as no one can seem to answer my questions and avoids you when you do question and don’t just blindly follow. It isn’t like I am attacking anyone for believing, saying they shouldn’t, saying I am going to worship the devil come join me. I am just asking questions that a lot I would think would ask.

I think it comes down to the point that it makes them start questioning things and they don’t know how to Handel that. They don’t want to think about it, it is easier to just believe and go on their marry way. But meanwhile where does that leave people who maybe have never believed and maybe have decided to try this thing called church and faith or what out? Or people like me who are really questioning things and what is going on and what way to turn?

Maybe I should ask a preacher instead of random people from the church. But I don’t even know where to start to do something like that because I haven’t been to church or involved in one in so long. I don’t want to talk to the ones from the church that turned their backs on us and thinks we need to forgive and work things out. I have no idea who is over the church I grew up in. The preacher that I use to talk to there left years ago. Maybe I should set up a meeting with the preacher and his wife at the church where me and the kids were going to for a little bit there after my dad passed. Him amd his wife are both preachers, they have had this church about 11 years now and they are closer to my age. Maybe make it easier to talk to them. I don’t know, maybe I should just forget it and not go one way or the other.

I tried to do the prayer journal and the 30 day challenge and all that to try to get back into it and back to where I was before. But it all just feels so fake. I don’t know maybe that isn’t the word to use but I just couldn’t do it. It didn’t seem real it just seem like I was going through the motions. I couldn’t keep it up. I am going to have to find someone to talk to because it is on my mind to much and until I get answers it will be. Some say you haven’t had that “god” moment or that coming to god moment when you do you be okay. What? What is that supposed to mean how is that supposed to help now? Just easier to say again than having to admit they don’t know or that it raises questions in their mind or that they have the same questions but are just blindly following because that is what you do maybe?

Well now that it is 10:40 am here is my post I start at almost 3am. I was wide a wake when I started, got a quarter of the way in and passed out.

{October 14, 2018}   Is There a God

I don’t think so!

I will be honest my religion, faith or whatever you want to call it is something that I have been questioning a lot lately. For a while I haven’t really thought of it one way or the othe. But the last month or so its been on my mind a lot and pressing.

A little history, I grew going to church until I was in my teens. Then I went off and on through my teens here and there. When I got out of school and started working I went speratic. Then right before I met father of the year I had started going with my moms friend to his church. Come to findout it was the church father of the years grandma had gone to for years and where he went. I am not sure why we didn’t keep going there since we both were going and he had been there for so long and had friends and things there. Well writing that it makes since he didn’t really want me to meet his friends and never really went around or talk to them much after we got together. Just like he ended up isolating me from mine. He didn’t want them to findout what he was really all about. Anyway we found a different much smaller church and went there for years until I stopped going once we started having problems and split up. That is the one that turned their back on me and the kids and said I ripped my family apart and was all poor father of the year and how bad I was.

When me and RC were together we were starting to check out different churches and trying to find one to start going to. Then about that time everything happen with us and we split up. Me and the kids started going to one years later after my dad passed but that didn’t last long. It was great for the kids but I felt like there was no where I fit on or anything for me. Did not relate to anyone because everyone was married or single never been married, didn’t have kids. It was hard to be able to go because I didn’t have a sister for the kids when they had womens bible study and small groups and things. I was looked at like I was the pluge or something because I wad divorced!! Of all things. No one ever took the time to findout why or to get to know us. There was one lady who was so nice and seemed to truely care and befriended me but she wasn’t there offten because of work and things. We ended up not going and no one missed us or cared. Never did anyone call and ask if things were okay of something was wrong or anything.

I know it sounds stupid maybe. But growing up the elders of the church, teachers and other were always in contact with the members of the church and new people. If a member didn’t show up after a Sunday or two if they had not heard from you they were calling or coming to see you and make sure you were okay. It was like a family and they really cared and you felt you had friends, support and if people really cared. Real connections. If you walked in to the church and had never been there you can bet a dozen people will have spoken to you, welcomed you and included you in what was going on. Now you go into these churches someone may or may not speak to you at all and you just kind of follow in whats going on or sit back and watch. No one calls or checks up on anyone or notices if they are gone even if they have been coming for a while and if they do they are quickly forgotten and everyone moves on as if they were never there.

So that is my stint with church this far in my almost 38 years of life. I have been “saved” twice, believed in gifts, laying hands and all that.

But for a while now I have been going back and forth and questioning the whole God and church thing. Looking back over the years thinking about everything and everything that is going on now makes me question him even more.

Everyone says, pray about it, have faith, trust God, in God’s time, God says yes, no, wait, just wait, don’t give up. It maybe tomorrow, next week, next year or 5 years, BUT things will get better just wiat, trust, believe, pray and go to church.

My response to that is, how long am I supposed to pray about it? How long am I supposed to have faith, believe and and trust? How bad off do I have to be before something remotely good happens? I don’t just wait i do and do and try to do better and get a head just to be knocked right back down in days or weeks. If something good does seem like it is happening it don’t last or don’t come through.

If there is a God why do I struggle so much just to live and not have anything can’t do anything and can’t provide? When I am trying to work, trying to go to school, take care of my kids and make a better life for us? But here I sit lights going off in a few days, car insurence do Monday, and no way to pay them. Then my phone and water and things due soon.

I do not get how if there is a God I am in this situation when all I do is try to make things better for us and work my ass off. While others over here lie and do everything they can to get all the help they can never try and have no plan to do better or want to do better. Then you have deadbeat father of the year who has a job, house, truck and everything else in the world he wants or needs handed to him while his kids suffer amd do without.

You know I did better in the past, had more and things like that but can I really say it was because of God? No I can’t say I feel that it was now. Looking back it was because I was in a different situation. There was two of us in the house working and I was able to work, go to school and do things because I had help. But what was the price I paid to have that help? Being treated like crap, knocked around, ignored, and more. So because I chose to get myself and my kids out of that then I should struggle and be miserable and unhappy the rest of my life and have to tell my kids we can’t do that, we can’t go there, we can’t get that all the time and sit and stress and worry if we are even going to have a place to live and things.

All because I refused to be abused anymore and because I refuse to get back in a situation like that or to go from man to man and live off of them. Because I would rather have a real relationship than an atm? But doesn’t the bible say we aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing as well? But if we do it we are rewarded for it?

Yeah none of it makes since if there was a God life would not be this way. Then people want to get upset if you question it or it isn’t for you. Why would it be with all that I have been through and church after church turn their back or not make you feel welcome and no mater how much you pray and do your still in the same boat 5 years 8 years down the road. Why everyone else living and happy.

Everyone is welcome to have their say and I would love to hear others opinions on it all. But I also know that topics like this are very hot topics and can get out of hand. We are all adults and can have respectful conversations and different points of view with eachother. Rude, nasty or disrespectful comments will not be approved.But I really would like to hear others out on why things are this way for some and that way for others if there is such a loving and caring God? He can make ways why hasn’t he? Why is the only way I could do decent was to be in an abusive relationship? Why when I get out all I do is struggle and can’t beg for help give people things or pay them even to help me and everyone turns their back? Why if he cares so much don’t he make a way?when I am trying? I will probably get a lot of backlash may lose some followers but that is okay. Just show that what I am saying is right. When you question or don’t fit in their box instead of helping they turn their backs.


{September 27, 2018}   You Need Church

Mr. To Broken has been talking to me again just the same as if nothing ever happened. He again all with his I love you yada yada, blah, blah. The other night he said something about praying and I told him I didn’t see a reason to or do it anymore really. Something like that anyway. He didn’t say much.

To be honest I haven’t really prayed in a ling time or really had a relationship or whatever you want to call it in a long time. Here and there I say a prayer for someone or what but nothing like I use to. I go back and forth on this a lot. On praying, believing, wanting to go to church and just all of it in general.

As I said before my church turned their back on me and my kids when I got a divorce. I ture my family apart. Why would I do that we had the “perfect” family. I was told this many times by many people. We had the “picture perfect” family, we couldn’t have problems that bad. Just pray about it and wait for it to get better.

Then when we went to this new church I was the only single divorced mom there. It wasn’t a very welcoming place.

So two major times I look for support and turn to the one place I should never have to worry about being judged I was judged the most, turned away and made to feel unwelcomed. Why would I feel excited to try another church? Even when I didn’t go, for years I still prayed and maintained my relationship with god. Look where I sit, still fighting still struggling, still getting no where no matter how hard I fight and try.

Sometimes I have the thought of you need to find a church and go. Or maybe things would get better if I work on that area of my life again and go. Just the other day I was thinking about it and started looking churches up in my area. I wanted to see what sunday school classes they offer, small groups and bible study. None offer any kind of single parent mineastry for mom or dads or them as a whole of any kind.

When I go to regulare bible study I don’t fit in everyone is married or never been married don’t have kids. We talk but we just don’t realy relate because we are going through way different things. Before long your just kind of left out or pushed to the side. You can tell most are uncomfortable with you. It is like if your a divorced woman with kids and you left your husband he didn’t leave you. Your just secured your spot in hell so why are you even there amoung them anyway. Because your supposed to just pray about it and hope it changes.

I think Mr. To Broken got a little mad at me because I said I wouldn’t go. But it’s okay, I have no desire to go somewhere and sit and be looked down on and judged. I get that enough from my family. I don’t need it from a building full of stranges all the time.

If he is going and enjoys it and it is working for him thats great. I am happy for him, and don’t judge him one way or another for it. I just don’t feel it is for me right now. I can’t handle going there and dealing with it all again and to be done that way again. If the churches really don’t feel like that then why do none of them have nothing for parents and or their kids? They know it isn’t easy and they could use all the support they can get and the fellowship and bible study too. They can’t say it isn’t that big of a deal they are welcome to join our other groups. But then why are there groups for people that like the outdoors, one for people over 50 or stay at home moms or men who like to hunt and singles never been married. If it don’t matter why is it stay at home moms or working moms and why is never been married added to singles group? If it matters to these groups to study and fellow ship with like minded people why is it odd to feel there should be a single parents or single moms and a sinlge dads group or a single parwnts ministry? It does make a difference.

Maybe I am wrong but for none of the churches to have anything it seems to say a lot about their veiw and thoughts. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am a little jaded in my view because of the way I have been done. But I really don’t think so. Like I said funny none seem to have anything for single parents.

{August 12, 2018}   How Do You Pray

I grew up going to church my younger two kids spent half their lives in church before we stopped going. I am still horrible when it comes to praying and don’t ask me to pray out loud because that just isn’t going to happen. I can’t sit or stand and pary for someone I have no idea what to say or anything like that. It just don’t come to me or sounds stupid if it does. Wjen I pray to myself I get distracted and keep starting over. I use to have no problems praying on my own alone. Now I will be and catch myself off thinking about somethimg else amd I don’t even know I am doing it until I stop to think about what I am doing or supposed to be doing.

I sometimes I wonder if religion is even for me anymore and wonder what I am even doing. It is like you can’t even stay on track and just get a prayer done without thinking about everything else. Why are you even doing it? You don’t go to church anymore why bother. Its just something else to add to your to do list that you already have a 100,000,999 other things on. Your dropping the ball on 100,000,995 of them including this. And those 4 your not doing very good at taking care of, they are half assed.

I want to go to church I don’t want to take my mother with me like she wants to go. For the simple fact of the way she is and that I just want nothing to do with her at all. Other than that I work on Sundays right now. I have to be there by 1. Unless I find one that has an ealry time then I do not get out in time. Then I don’t get off until 12/1 am on Sunday. It too feels like something else to fit in and do. I hate doing things when I feel like it is just another thing on my list to get done and taking up time when I don’t have to do it. I like going the kids love going and keep asking to go. I see a difference when we go. There is a new small church that just open a block or so from home. I told the kids when my mother leaves and isn’t there to run her mouth and start crap she has nothing to do with I am going to take them and check it out. If we like it then they can walk to and from there and go even if I have to work. My friends house is like three doors away from it. So if something happen they can always go to her house there is always someone there. Between her house and mine I am not to worried. Everyone on that street now seem pretty decent and they can always call me and talk to me until they get home. About a quarter to half the houses are owned by the church that is on the other corner from the one they would be going with. And a lot of their people walk back and forth as well. I know the people that live in another one there and another house is my good friends ex in laws. The rest have all lived there for years as long as me or longer. No one has had any problems with anyone or eachother. Before there is no way even know the people in some of the houses would I have let them walk it alone. There was to much drugs and things down through there. But between my friend the church and the others on the street they have gotten them out of there and cleaned it up. Its been a few years it has been nice.

I want to go if I didn’t have to work and really like the one we started going to after my dad passed away. But it was just so far away and I didn’t have the extra gas go two or three times a week and they didn’t have childcare for a lot of the things they had for women like bible study or small groups. My kids were to small to leave home at that time.

I am just in a down mood today and seem to be slipping further in. I been at work since just before 1 and alone since just after and O have not moved out of my chair since I got here. We do not have anyone coming in to do a room u til 430 so about another 20 minutes. I sat for the last 3 hours and played on my phone.

I did walk over to the store for a minute to get post it notes for the store. I bought myself this nice note pad to start trying to write in. It small fits in my purse I don’t have to worry about losing it or everyone getting a hold of it or what.

Got to get off here my first group just walked in. I have one a little after them starting and that is it for my day so far. 2.5 hours left.


{May 31, 2018}   Praying

{March 19, 2018}   An Old Friend

So last Monday I posted this on my page as a joke, a few people liked it or loved it and that was about it. A friend from way back liked it and then sent me a private message. He said how expensive? Because he was cheap, very cheap….A 12 pack and a river view cheap. I laughed and we joked back and forth for a little bit. He asked what I was doing later I told him nothing, there was nothing to do and no one to do it with he asked why. He said there was a lot to do and that he would be about 20 minutes away from me for work I should come down. I told him I couldn’t go to far but it be nice to meet up. He said how about this little bar its a little neighborhood kind of place. I had never been to it but know people who have and it has been around forever. I said okay that be good. I told him I had to get ready and get kids settled it be around 7/7:30 before I could go. He said it would be more like 8 or 8:30 before he could get there probably would that be okay. I told him yes it worked better for me as well. I just didn’t want to go to late because I didn’t know what work the next day looked like for him or what.

I made dinner and settled the kids and left, I told him I was leaving and everything. He said it be closer to 830 probably when he got there. I said that was fine I was going to stop get gas and things as well. I asked what he was driving told him what I was in. He messaged me back and said to just go inside and order a drink when I got there and he would take care of it when he got there. I just said okay and did what I had to do, my friend called when I was on my way I hadn’t talked to her in a while since she moved. I talked to her and sat there in the truck talking to her until he got there. He was there just a few minutes after me anyway.

I got out he came over we went inside and got a drink and sat there a few minutes, he said lets go outback and sit it’s quieter we can talk. So we walked outside and sat by the water on the deck and talked for a while and drink our drinks. We walked inside had another drink for a minute. He said he lived just a couple miles up the road did I want to go over to his place. I said sure, I trust him and wasn’t worried about anything.

We got back to his place he introduced me to his roommate and we went outside and sat on the carport, they have it set up like a porch area. We talked some more, he knows my ex, I know his ex, he knows my kids, I know his son, we know a lot of the same people. We were talking about the past and all that has went on and changed where everyone was and things. He walked inside I was sitting there. There was a dart board I went took the darts off and was playing darts when he came back out he stood there talking listening to the radio. He kept pulling me over hugging me and things. He pulled me over and was trying to dance. I said I can’t dance, he like not even two step? I said nope and laughed. He was trying to show me and we were cutting up and carrying on. Just having a good time and enjoying the company. I didn’t feel stressed or rushed or like I had to hurry home because of the kids or worry about them. It was nice.

I didn’t end up getting home until like 1 am and then had to get up get the kids to schools and go to class myself. It wasn’t as bad as I though it would be. I am glad I went.

See we met at the church where me and my ex got married. He was or is good friend with the ministers daughter and their family. They grew up together, they are like brother and sister even call each other brother and sister and their kids call them aunt and uncle. Him and his wife got married around the same time that me and ex did, they moved away for a while. Me and him have been friends on line all these years, never really talked or anything just there. Over the years since him and his wife got their divorce and me and ex got ours he has messaged me here and there. He been all over the place not here a lot of the time just in town for a week or so or passing through. He was out West last I knew then awhile back he told me he was a few hours away he came back to be by his little boy. The other night he told me he been in GA for a little while and had a place up there but he thought he was going to stay home here for a while he felt pulled back here. He is still close to his son and can go get him or see him whenever he wants to.

{March 18, 2017}   Praise Fest 2017

When I was taking the kids to therapy this week I seen a sign saying that our downtown area is holding a praise fest today. They have a bunch of bands from the local churches who come out and sing at the big outdoor amphitheater in the park by the river. It’s free to get in and they are also going to have a bunch of things for the kids to do like bounce house, rock wall, face painting and things like that. It is from 11 to 7 tonight. I think we are going to go down there for a while and hang out, listen to the bands and let the kids play. I wanted to go when it started but we slept in. We are doing laundry and the kids are doing their chores. I am starting to think that maybe later in the afternoon early evening will be better. There is a guy at the end I want to see anyway I know all day will be to much for my little ones. I think we will do what needs to be done around here then eat dinner early and then go. I think we are just going to have left overs from the last couple nights to get them out of there and make it fast and easy. They can eat some more or a sandwich when we get back if they want something else.

I am hoping that this will put me in a better mood and get me out of this pissed off/depressed mood I have been in the last few days. I don’t know haven’t been taking my medication either I have to start it again. I don’t know what it is I just forget or get busy and don’t think about it. I have to get better about taking it. I don’t know why I find it so hard to remember to take it but I do. I need to take it in the morning when I get up and in the evening when I got to bed. I don’t remember it half the time until I am already gone out of the house or about to fall a sleep if I remember it at all. But I don’t even know if it can get me out of this mood I am in.

{January 23, 2017}   Can’t Even Go To Church

I released today we have not been to our church in at least a year. The last time I remember going was to Christmas eve service 2015. We went to my old church once or twice and went to a Christmas eve service somewhere else this year. Was going to go to ours but it started earlier than I expected. Anyway, on to the reason for the post.
I was raised Baptist and now go to a Nondenominational Church, I just find I agree with them more. That said I had not went in a very long time. I think I said before I went to church all the time when my older two were younger they grew up in the church my and ex got married in. I stopped going after me and ex started having a lot of problems and then a lot of things happened at the church so I didn’t go back there all the time after that. I was trying a new church when I met RC and he was going to church with his ex in laws. The church I was going to was too far to keep going to when I moved with him and I was not thrilled about going to church with his ex in laws. Right before we split up we had started going to churches in the area and were trying them out to see what we liked best.
I didn’t go after that again until the day my dad passed. I kept seeing this church and finally got up and went and then went to his house from there the day he passed. We really liked it and decided to go back and try it out some more. I really liked it and the kids loved it so we started going all the time. Then when I started working and things we didn’t go as much but still went. I had started going to a ladies group they had one a month and enjoyed it. I really wished it was more often but it was still nice.
I saw on their sign when I had to go up that way that they had women’s bible study tonight starting I guess for the year. I wanted to go and thought of it today. I looked it up on their page and I wasn’t sure if it was the same one I use to go to or not or if there was childcare. I messaged and asked they said they had not done the Monthly ones in a long time they did the weekly ones now. She said they did not offer childcare when they had them either. Said hope to see you tonight. I just said thank you and that we hadn’t been in a while was trying to start coming again and seen somethings had changed and was trying to figure it out. I didn’t say I would or wouldn’t see them tonight even though I am not going because I have no one to baby sit the kids.
I was thinking about it the other night and how we haven’t been in so long and not one person ever called to check in see how things were if everything was alright, if something was wrong or why we hadn’t been. It kind of made me feel like we didn’t belong or fit in to them so they didn’t care we hadn’t been. I know when we went they had you fill out cards with your information and they said they wouldn’t call and hound you and things like that they may call to welcome you and things but not to hound you to come to church if you didn’t come back or decided it wasn’t the place for you. I understand that, why call and hound someone to come if they tell you it isn’t for them or if they don’t come back after you have called and welcomed them or what. But I would think that if someone has come to your church for a year and came to bible study and was trying to be involved and then you didn’t see them few a couple weeks you would call and just check in with them to see if everything was ok.
I know growing up me and my brother mostly went to church my mom and step dad hardly ever went unless we were in something they were doing at the church. But if we missed a study or Sunday there were some of the women from the church calling or stopping by to see if you were ok. See if you had been sick or if you needed anything or what. It was nice you felt like you were wanted there and were part of a family. It wasn’t a small church like the one me and ex went to where there was maybe 20 people or something. It was a good size church with a few hundred people or more. The church me and the kids were going to is around that as well. When you go a lot of the people know us and talk to use glad to see us and things. Staff, teachers, the preacher his wife. So not like we didn’t interact with people and people didn’t really know us or something like that. Over all I felt like very welcomed and was getting to know the ladies at bible study. I know I stopped going but it just seems odd to me that you can form this relationship or what with someone or with in a group like that but then no one checks on them or seems to think twice if they just seem to drop off the face of earth one day and don’t show back up. I mean they do not do a Wednesday night service they have small groups that meat weekly or monthly whatever they decide. They say it is because they want people to form closer bonds and get to know each other better in that since you would think that would mean that if someone just don’t show up for a week or two you would call or go by and check in with them. I don’t expect them to come by I am 15 miles from my church but even just a phone call to say hey how’s it going.
Am I wrong for thinking that? Or for thinking that it seems so impersonal (can’t think of the word I am looking for) and like they don’t really care if you are there or not? Is this normal at churches now or is it just this one?
How would you have responded when they said hope to see you there tonight if you knew you couldn’t go because of childcare? I am always asking if there is childcare at different things they have that are not normal Sunday service because you don’t know if it don’t say. I have found something I didn’t think there was because it didn’t say or they didn’t say had it and then somethings it will say it is provided. I feel like some look like she is the one who always ask about childcare, why don’t she just find a sitter or what. I know they probably really are not saying that but it is how I feel. I know it is a me because I hate that anything I want to do I have to ask if there is childcare because if there isn’t and the kids can’t go then I can’t go. I don’t have people I can call and ask to watch the kids if I want to go to bible study, or a speaker or something like that. Then a lot of times my kids end up being the only ones there. So I am the only one who needs it. Sometimes there are others there as well but it is a hit or miss because a lot of times the kids stay home with their dads or something.
We really do like this church but I do not feel I can do much more than church service Sunday mornings because most the groups meet at people’s homes and there isn’t childcare and the one that I would go to at the church I guess don’t offer it anymore either. But this is what I find at all the churches anymore it seems. I feel like how am I supposed to be at church like I should when there is no childcare offered? I know they are not babysitters I am just frustrated because I can’t even do something as simple as going to church because I have no help or no one to call on to watch the kids. Then I feel like I can’t really get involved and things since I can’t go to these things then what is the point in going at all even on Sunday? While I like Sunday service I like having the bible study groups to really study and ask questions and maybe meet people who are into church and things like me and the kids are. You don’t get that from just Sunday service.

{January 22, 2017}   Reactions

I just had this post all done and ready to post just had to hit the button and my computer froze and I lost it all not one word to be found. I should have written it in a word document and then pasted here. I could scream. I guess I will try rewriting it and hope it works this time.

Trigger Warnings Sex, abuse, help

I don’t know what else to call this because the reactions of others is why I am writing. Me and a friend tonight were talking and joking around about sex. We were talking about her hysterectomies and getting your tubes tied and guys having vasectomies. She had a full hysterectomy. She was saying how it hurts horribly now when she has sex and it has for years since she had it. We had talked about it before and I researched it and found that a lot of women have a lot of problems that they do not tell you about before you have it. They don’t tell you that they could be problems after having one or that it could be related when you go in complaining of them. But it’s funny how many women have them after. They do not tell women they shorten the vaginal canal or that it cuts a major supply of the blood flow and things to the clit. They don’t explain to women that when you orgasm that a major part of what you are feeling is your uterus contracting. Many women have trouble having orgasms after the operation. If they are able to they are not the same as before. These are all things she is complaining of. She said she didn’t know if she had ever really had one, that when she has sex it feels like he is right on top of the cervix ramming it or hitting it and it puts her in pain. She is with the same person she was with before she had it done so nothing has changed there. I told her about the things I found and what it all said after I was researching it she was shocked she kept saying I didn’t know that, I didn’t realize that, no one ever told me that.

After researching it I was very glad that my doctor refused to do mine after Little Bitty. Because I was dead set on having one after I had her. I didn’t want birth control or them to tie my tubes. I wanted it all out so that I did’t have to ever worry about it happening again. She said there was no medical reason to take it out and it was better to have it than to not have it unless there was a reason it needed to come out. I told her there was a reason for it to come out I was done with it. I know I know but I been through so much at the time and that was and is truly how I feel even today. I love kids I would not have minded having more after Little Bitty if things had not worked out the way they did but between that and father of the year I am done.

I told her as much as I hate the idea and don’t want to I am really thinking about having my tubes tied. I have always been against it and for other forms of birth-control. They almost killed my sister when they did hers and she still has medical problems over it to this day 20 some years later. I met a few other people who had lasting medical problems from it as well and who almost died. It is a risk people think they just make these tiny cuts and go in there. But they don’t think about how close they are to your other organs. Your liver and intestines are right there. My sister they did something to her intestines and had to take I forget how many feet out and she almost died from blood loss and infection. The other lady I met they nicked her liver, well they didn’t tell her that would cause her medical problems for life. It wasn’t until months down the road when she almost died from blood clots and they couldn’t figure out why she was getting them. Then they found her liver had been damaged and that was what was causing them. The only thing she had ever had happen to her liver was when they told her they nicked it. They looked and found out that they had not just “nicked” it but I guess really cut it pretty bad and damaged it and it wasn’t something that would ever get better she was in a wheel chair because of the problems it caused with the blood clots and then the problems having so many blood clots all the time causes.

It was never something I had to worry about because when me and Father of The Year were together he agreed to have a vasectomy one we decided we were done having kids. Then when me and RC got together he had already plan to have one by the falling year. He was at the point I am now he already had 4 and was in the spot he was in with them all he wasn’t going to have anymore. Then we got together and talked about maybe trying for one more. But waiting until we had been together a year and all our court stuff was over. Then him getting one after I had the baby. He wanted to wait until after I had it in case something happened and I lost it. His ex lost two after they had their boys. If we did then he wanted us to have the option of trying again. So I never thought about having my tubes tied and was set against it. The way I looked at it was if they didn’t want to use condoms all the time they could have it done. I did the hard part carrying the kids for ten months, going through labor and delivery. The least they could do was that. But it wasn’t even a problem they both were going to.

But now being a single mom of 4 and thinking about a relationship again, dating and things I want to have the option of having kids off the table. I don’t want there to be any chance of it happening or being open for discussion. I do not want to have to worry about having condoms all the time, or something else to use. I don’t want to take or trust birth control, I got pregnant with my first on it taking it every single day like clock work at the same time everything they tell you. Even at that time Father of The Year was on top of it and making sure because he didn’t want a baby yet. I could never trust just that, and I have tried pills and the patch and they both made me very moody, sick and have no sex drive. I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant because I did’t want anyone touching me or near me.

We were talking about getting pregnant and being pregnant, I said that I didn’t even know and was as shocked as everyone else when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd. She was like what do you mean you were married having sex you had to know that it might happen nothing is fool proof. I said yeah but things were getting pretty bad with ex and sex wasn’t happening a lot around that time. If it did I was extremely careful. We always used condoms and I used a sponge, he didn’t even know I had them and was using them. I wasn’t going to use them by their self and he would have pushed to. At that point we were kind of at a stand still no one was saying anything about anything that was wrong or anything. We were just kind of living together and sharing a bed. We hadn’t told anyone really that we were having problems or anything. I was going back and forth on what to do and if he was going to change or not. So sex wasn’t as often as it had been in the past but it was still happening. If I thought it would or it started going there I would just say I had to go to the bathroom or go before I went to bed and use one. I never told him and would tell him to get a condom.

My friend said you really know your body and I can’t believe that you wouldn’t know you were pregnant or have an idea of when it happen. She said you know when you got pregnant with any of your others or have an idea of close to when. I do know with all of them. My first was night before mothers day early mothers day morning. My second was January 13 and my 4th was July 5. I wasn’t trying for any of them but just know because of things that stood out around that time and knowing when we had been together around those times. The night I got pregnant with my 2nd I told him if he did not get something I would get pregnant. It wasn’t a matter we may or it was close to time it could happen. Really it happen on a day that it is probably least likely to happen the day after my monthly friend stopped. Any other time we never used anything that day. But something just said you better use something and if you don’t it will happen. I felt it all through me. We did’t and we weren’t together again after that for a little while because of work and other things going on and sure enough I tested Valentines day and I was pregnant.

She said if you have no clue how or when it happen what was it a drunken night out or did he drug you and rape you? I said no, nothing like that but I really have no clue what we done the night it happen I have no idea what night it happen and I can not even think of one time that we were together at the time we would have had to of been to get pregnant. She said you never questioned it or him when you found out and couldn’t figure out when it happen? I said no wasn’t really any point to it was done nothing that could do about it now I just figure it must have been one of the nights that I had blocked out from back then. She was talking about something then stopped and said wait you blocked out times you all were with him I said sure did. She was like that don’t sound pleasant I said it wasn’t but it was what it was. She didn’t really say anything and we went on talking. Then in just a few minutes or less she said I got to go I will talk to you later. It was just odd after that short part of our conversation she was like gone had to go.

I thought it was odd and it took me back to when I said something to RC and he found out. RC was always very shy and embarrassed when it came to sex. I would say something, make a joke or try to talk to him about something to do with sex and he would turn bright red and have nothing to say. It was funny really. He was always different when it came to sex all together and careful. Like if we had been out and I had been drinking we would not have sex. If I didn’t feel good or wasn’t having a good day for some reason or I was on medications we didn’t have sex. It would piss me off sometimes. Because even if I don’t feel good there is still a good chance I am in the mood. A lot of times I am more in the mood when I don’t feel good than if I do. I think it’s because when I don’t feel good I want something that will make me feel better and I want to be close but I am not big into cuddling or what when I am sick. So sex lets me feel that closeness I need when I am sick. I know I am weird. But he wouldn’t he would cuddle or lay there and talk until I fell a sleep or go take a shower or something so that I would be a sleep by the time he got back and wasn’t bothering him or just tell me not tonight he was tired or something. I think one night he seen it really got to me.

Then next day I was doing something he came and said he wanted to talk to me. We started talking he said he was sorry if he made me feel bad the night before, he wasn’t trying to. He said he just didn’t want use to do anything when we had been drinking or more if I had been than him. Or if I didn’t feel good, wan’t having a good day or whatever. He said he never wanted me to be upset about something that we did the night before because I was drinking and that the other times he didn’t want me to feel obligated or like I had to do it. He said he didn’t want something that happen one night because of something like that and change things or like he said it end up being something that I wish I hadn’t done or later felt I was pushed or made to do. I told him he didn’t have to worry about that I had never had so much to drink that I didn’t know very well what I was doing or what was going on. He told me he was embarrassed about sex and talking about it because he didn’t really know a lot and hadn’t really done a lot. He said the girls he been with just laid there didn’t really do anything he didn’t know anything about trying different things. That they sure didn’t talk about sex very open or freely. It was I can take it or leave it, if you want it you got to d this or that or your not getting it kind of thing.

After a while he got better about it and we would joke around back and forth and talk about different things. He didn’t turn ten shades red. One day he was joking around while I was cleaning the house or something I was doing. He said boy I could just take you to the other room and take advantage of you right now. I made an off hand comment back about it wouldn’t be the first time I just block it out you get use to it or something like that. He said something else and I said besides you can’t take advantage of the willing. As I finished saying it he finished what he was saying he looked at me and got this look like I don’t know what, he said wait what did you say. I just said you can’t take advantage of the willing. He said not that before that. I just looked at him because I could tell he was not happy. He said your not joking are you? What happen, who was it when? He was pissed. I just looked at him he said me? I said no never you. He then wanted to know why I didn’t tell him when it happened and who it was. I told him because it didn’t happen when we were together. He asked who or something and what happen I think then he said no I’m pretty sure I know but it probably isn’t a good idea for me to know for sure. He said I’m sorry I shouldn’t have ever said that to you and I would have never said that to you if I had known. I am so sorry I am sorry it happen and things. I told him he had nothing to be sorry about he didn’t do anything wrong, that he didn’t say anything wrong, if I had been bothered by it or had a problem with it I would have told him the first time it ever came up or told him before if but it just wasn’t something I talked about or thought about and that it wasn’t something I let get to me to the point that our joking back and forth would ever bother me. That us joking around with each other is way different because I know how he was and that I didn’t have to worry about anything like that with him. I was comfortable enough to joke around with him. In just a little few minutes he got up and went in the other room he was just different after that he didn’t joke around and things as much or was very careful about what he said.

I just find both of their reactions odd I guess because it isn’t like I was upset, angry, mad or emotional about it, I wan’t looking for them to really say anything about it. I was just having a conversation. I was just mater of fact about it to the point and move on. They the ones that asked questions and things. That didn’t even bother me. I don’t mind talking about it but when I do its just to the point matter of fact it’s done over with now move on. If I shared it with you then that says a lot because I think they are the only two people I have ever told.

They don’t understand Father of the Year was of the mind set that your my wife you are supposed to meet my “needs” we are married I can’t go to anyone else to do it for me and I don’t want to go to anyone else. He told me he did not believe in divorce and that he married me because he wanted to be with me and that he was not giving me a divorce. It didn’t matter basically how I felt or what I wanted or didn’t want at night as long as “his needs” were being met. It got to were I would just lay there and try to think about anything but what was going on. I can say I remember it happening many times but I can’t tell you much more than yes it was unpleasant, yes I said no, I wasn’t in the mood I didn’t want to, I didn’t feel good and all that. He still be all over me and telling me about “his needs” and “my obligations” I feel so sick I just say fine or whatever so he would just go away and leave me alone. I know I guess technically I gave him permission but if I didn’t he wouldn’t get off of me, keep his hands off of me or stop pestering me. And yes I blocked them out I didn’t want to remember it, it wasn’t enjoyable far from it, I remember crying a lot of times while trying to think of other things or just not think about anything at all and just act as if nothing was or did happen. I don’t know why I let it happen, I don’t know why I didn’t do more to stop it or keep it from happening. I guess because I figured I was stuck there from now on I wasn’t going to be able to avoid giving him sex may as well just do it and get it over with and get him to leave me alone for a little bit. I had been places, talked to people and everything else then to get help. But I wasn’t being abused, there was no help, we were married and he was living with me so I couldn’t get any help. I tried to explain that I was trying to get out and get a divorce no one cared. I felt trapped. No one cared, no one knew what was going on. Why bother to tell them not like they are going to believe me or care. Your husband can’t rape you or take advantage of you I figured they would say. I didn’t want to deal with all that telling could mean I would have had to deal with. I didn’t not want to I couldn’t have and I didn’t want my kids involved in something like that. I figured everyone say I just said it because I was mad and leaving it was just an excuse to blame it on him or whatever. Everyone thought he was Mr. Wonderful no one would believe he would do such a thing, and I was his wife so he was right, right.

That was finally the last of the last the no going back we are getting a divorce no matter what time came. One night he started and it happen the next day I was so pissed off at myself. Why was I letting him do this, why hadn’t I said something, why hadn’t I put a stop to it before it started? Why was I so worried about pissing him off or what he was going to do? What more could he do? what could be worse than what he was already doing? What he might hit me if I said anything? Wouldn’t have been as bad as what he had already been doing. I was mad at my self why was I letting him teat me like this, why was I letting him disresepct me in such a way, what happen to me, where was the me that was there when we got together because she would have never let this happen and not more than once if it did. That’s when I called him in there and told him we would not be having sex anymore at all for any reason, not to ask or even try and that he would be moving to the couch. He started about why and everything. I told him what he did was not right, that I was not going to ever be done that way again. I told him that it was something that he wouldn’t ever dream of doing to a stander but would turn around and do it to his wife and justify it because I was his wife and he had needs. He knew what I was talking about he said you act like I did this horrible thing or something so wrong. I said you did it is basically rape he had a fit screaming and yelling that I was blowing it out of pa-portion and that he would never do that. It was nothing like that I was just trying to make it into something it wasn’t. Back to I was his wife and what was he supposed to do go without all the time how was that right that I could just cut him off and not ever give it to him again and all this. I told him I didn’t care how or if he got his needs met that he was free to find someone else as far as I was concerned we were no longer married the divorce was just a technicality at that point.

I really thought it was going to get worse, I figured he would refuse to sleep on the couch and it was going to be a fight and that he was going to keep trying. But I think he was to afraid too. I think he thought if I told someone he would or could be in a lot of trouble for a long time so he just did it.

It just gets me the way the three of them reacted when it came up. RC all pissed off and things then takes off. My friend clams up and hangs up. Father of the year still trying to prove why or how he didn’t do anything wrong. It isn’t like it involved the first two but I do understand RC for getting so mad. You find out something has happen to someone you are close to and care about it pisses you off and you want to go after whoever did it.


{December 24, 2016}   Holiday Rush

I haven’t been around much I was babysitting Thursday and Friday for my friend and getting things ready for Christmas. Thursday we made the salt dough Christmas ornaments and that took all morning. We had lunch and they played for a little bit before we had to leave to go to therapy. When we left there I met her dad across the street from his job and dropped her off since we were just blocks away. Friday I only watched her half a day, I we made cookies but they didn’t turn out very well. I then had to go pick my friend up to watch my kids. I picked her up and dropped her off at my house and took the little girls I was watching and picked her dad up at work.

I had not heard from the charity place so I called them Thursday and she said she had been trying to get a hold of me but couldn’t that she was going to come by my house because she wanted to make sure that the kids got their stuff. She told me to come Friday about 1 or 130. That is why I had to go get my friend to come sit with the kids. My other friend and his daughter had to go north of where I had to go so I asked him if he wanted to ride that far with me and catch the bus from there. He said yes because he needed to go to the place right up the street from there to pay on his new place. I took him to drop him off because I was early since he got off at 12. He had me stop at the store and cashed his check and paid me. I went on to the place to pick up the stuff. I was still early so I went into the thrift store they have there. I found some ornaments for the tree there were a bunch of nice ones. I got about three handfuls. I seen three snowmen when I walked in they were pretty and candle holders. It was like a mom dad and kid they were different sizes but you could tell a set. They were $2 each. I took the ornaments I got up to the counter to see how much they were. They gut said $4.50 I bought them and paid for them then I went to leave I kept looking at the candle holders and I really wanted them for the house I decided to go ahead and get them. I put them on the counter and he rang them up and they came to $1.50 I was surprised but all their Christmas stuff was 75% off.

I put my stuff in the truck and went around to the other place to pick up the stuff. The lady was so nice and so happy I had called and came in. They gave me two bags of stuff already wrapped up and a small bag with a few things in it that wasn’t wrapped. She said they ran out of paper. I told them it was ok I had paper.

Yesterday I thought of gifts for family I had that I needed stuff to go with. I took some pictures of the kids and a couple with them. I took them and had them printed out. I have two Hallmark picture frames here you put a picture in one side and an ornament in the other side. I also have three other wood ones that fold together like a book that holds two pictures. I decided to give my mom and my Grandma and Grandpa the white ones. Then I had to find a ornament for them or they wouldn’t look right. I remembered three really nice ones that I found in the stuff at the thrift store that looked like new. They were Marry, Joseph and the Baby Jesus two were the same and one was a little smaller and different but the same things. The two bigger ones worked perfect the frames are white with silver around them and the ornaments are white with silver accents. One had a broken glass I grabbed a from for less than a dollar at the store when I went to pick up the pictures to replace the glass in it. It says it is the same size but it wasn’t, it was to long. I had to figure out how to cut the glass.

I took soaked a part of a shoe string in rubbing alcohol and tied it around where I needed it cut and then took it out front to the water hose. After I turned the water on I set the string on fire and let it burn, it kept going out or just burning but only burning the alcohol not the string. I took it off and got a piece a yarn and soaked it. I took it out front to the hose and set it on fire. In a minute or less the glass came off and fell on the ground. I didn’t even have to spray it to put it out it wen out as it hit the ground. It wasn’t perfect of course because I was in a hurry and things but it did the job and it will work. I was happy it worked because I didn’t know what else to do. I just have to figure out how to make it stay closed now. I don’t have the tool I need to fix it. I am hoping father of the year has it when she gets it and can fix it

Today I have been up since before 8 all I wanted to do was sleep in but that was to much to ask. Father of the year and my mother called and text me until I got up to tell me he didn’t pay the insurance and it was cancelled. I laid there and tried to go back to sleep until the kids started getting up. We got up and they got dressed and ate. Then my friend was texting saying that the lady said to come at 12 it was 11 then. I had to pick them up bring her back to watch the kids and then we had to go back and pick them up. We got back and was headed to take them home father of the year showed up for the money for the insurance. I took them home we came home had lunch and got ready for church.

We went to church and my little one showed her butt I took her out to the truck and she went to sleep the kids stayed in service until it was over they came out and we went to their friends house to see the light display he does.

I was shocked when we got there to see it, it was so pretty and so well done I couldn’t believe that this 12 or 13 year old kid did it on his own. He has it set up where you put your radio on the station they have playing and it plays in your car. The lights flashed different ones to the music.

After that I took them over to another area where a lot of the houses do theirs up. I had not been through there but heard it was really nice. We went there and it was really pretty too. I think all but maybe 4 house were done up. I did not expect the line of cars going in and out and it taking 5 minutes to move from one house to the next. Then I have one in the back seat yelling he has to go to the bathroom every few minutes and it just gets worse and worse because he really really really has to go. We finally made it out stopped at a store and let him go. He must of really had to go because she flew in the door and to the bathroom and wasn’t in there that long at all.

I am got them home and three of them in bed by 850. Little Bitty finally went to bed about 45 minutes ago. I am waiting for the one last gift to get here as I write this for my big girl. I just got a text about 5 minutes ago saying that it is not coming. The guy who was supposed to bring it over and drop it off can’t be gotten a hold of. They have called and text him and he is not responding. I hope that everything is alright but I am really aggravated because he said weeks ago no problem he would be here it would get here tonight so it was up and ready when she got out of bed in the morning. I really wish I could find someone to go get it but I have been texting and asking and I don’t know anyone with a truck who is around to pick it up. If he didn’t want to do it he could have said weeks ago he was not going to or didn’t want to or even earlier today not when it is supposed to be here and just ignore everyone. Its not like it is for me I could careless and do without if it was for me but it is for my kid and now I am going to let her down. I know she will say she understands and it is ok but I know it sucks to be the one this happens to. I could almost cry. I still have stuff to go wrap for the kids. Including the ball for the hoop. She was supposed to get the ball and then get to go outside to play with it and find the hoop. Now she gets the ball and has nothing to use it with.

I should be able to call Father of the Year and tell him to just go get it but that won’t happen. He won’t do nothing. He will say he don’t have gas, he has stuff to do, he is going to bed, he didn’t get sleep last night. I ask him today what he was doing after he paid the car insurance he said he had a ton of stuff to do. Then he disappeared for over 4 hours. He finally answered when they called and said he was at the park. Who knows where he was or what he was doing. I don’t know I don’t really care I just wish he would just disappear. He just pisses me off so much. He could careless.

I need to go get this other stuff out and wrap it so I can go to bed since this isn’t working out and they aren’t coming. We were going to go to church in the morning but I was not impressed with the church service tonight and I don’t know where else is having service since not many places around are having one and now I will probably be up so late.

I was in a good mood and getting excited about Christmas now I just want to go to bed and sleep through it.

et cetera
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