{September 10, 2019}   Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Everyday I get into my car since running around with the kids over the weekend all I can think is, this is why we can’t have nice things.

There is tea spilled in my floor and lemon aid in my passenger seat. It smells like sour tea and my jacket needs washed. It isn’t as simple of cleaning the floor and the seat because the seat has a ton of things in it. Well I maybe exaggerating a little, but it seems like it. Seeing as my box of change is dumped in the floor from where something was spilled in it before. The best I could tell it was a bottle of water that was left in there and the lid came off. The bottom of the box got wet and the bottom fell out of it so it is now everywhere. On top of all the other things that they have left down there.

Don’t get me wrong they are great kids they really are, they could be doing so much worse at their ages. None of it was done on purpose. We went to the burger place to eat and they gave everyone to go cups. Mine was sat in the cup holder that had something in it so it didn’t sit like it should of. I thought the cut was one of the kids and they had picked it up when we got back in the car. I guess they didn’t and when we got where we were going I asked for my drink and figured out it was mine that they stuck there and it was now in the floor spilled everywhere.

Then we went inside and since we don’t have that many cup holders Mr. 13 sat his cup in the seat when he got out. Once we came back his seat was soaked. This I found he had split the bottom of his cup some how and it had leaked why we were in the two stores all over the seat. Since the car is so small there was no where else for him to ride, he needed something to sit on. You guessed it that is where my jacket came into play. He folded it up and sat on it. I forgot to  get it inside and toss it in the wash that night with my work things. I don’t get home early enough to do any when I get off. I grabbed a sweat shirt and just noticed it has something on it once I put it on at work. I guess it is stained it don’t normally wear it but around the house to bed or when it is cool. I cook and clean in it. Who knows what I got on it. It is almost 15 years old now that I think about it. I got this when we left for a hurricane when my oldest was less than a year old.

But I can’t help but think this is why we can’t have nice things when I get in the car. I keep having the thought of keeping my truck to run around in and to go to and from work in. Then use the car when me and the kids go places on the weekend and things. Instead of letting them mess it up too. But I got the truck because it is nice and would be a nice, decent, good lasting vehicle for us all. Isn’t that what we get things for or nice things for to use and enjoy? Isn’t that what happens to things when you use them and enjoy them, they get used, damaged, wore out or messed up? That is why we have to replace things after so long right?

{April 6, 2019}   So Much To Do

It is after 11 am and I am still laying in my bed. I should of gotten up a long time ago. They are coming to look at the house tomorrow and I have to clean and get ready.

I have to clean the fans and blinds. It gets so dusty in my house so fast. The dust gets thick in no time. Even on my walls. I have never lived somewhere dust builds up on the walls and the ruff. It is like a every few weeks/monthly thing that needs done. Fans too even when you use them. I hate it and it has been let go for a bit. Now I have 24 hours to get it all done. Fans in all the rooms and a ton of windows and blinds. I just want to pull it all down and buy new but they will need done in a few weeks.

I just have to get it done and stay on top of it. I think because I am on a main road at a main intersection for our area. Tons of cars go by in a day. You wouldn’t think that much would come in but I think the a/c is bringing it in.

Little Bitty’s bday was Thursday, I took her and the rest of the kids to the fair. Now we have to do cake and gifts at some point today.

And be ready to go out of town for a while with Bff and all the kids for a while tonight maybe. I am still laying here like I have nothing to do. I am stressing about it all mostly the house and this lady coming. But I can’t force myself up to do anything about it. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am stressing but don’t care at the same time. Guess I should go make lunch and try to get this all done.

{August 13, 2018}   Clensing Purge, Is Needed

Everything is a mess, from things that need done around the house to, schools, doctors, dentist, insurance to see them and now social security.

I feel like I need a free month to do nothing but take care of everything. I feel a huge purge coming. I am just waiting to get my mother out of here before I can do anything.

I was for the most part good about keeping up with the most do things like kids signed up for school, insurance and things taken care of and social security. I have just dropped the ball on it all. It bothers me but it don’t. I know I need go take Little Bitty to the doctor right now and get back to get her in school before 330. But I have no modivation to go do it. I am still laying here on my bed needing a shower. It is after 11!!! I feel so tired all I want to do is roll over and go back to sleep. I was up and down with one with a tooth hurting and then my back trying to lock up.

I don’t feel like doing anything even when I get sleep I know I have all this crap to do its just like oh well. I just deal with it later or whatever happens because I don’t deal with it.

I need her out of my house I can’t stand it anymore. I just want her gone. More and more everyday. She is doing nothing to help herself. She done nothing to be ready for court, made her lawyer mad she quite. She hasn’t gotten the first test or anything else and is set for court a month from today.

I just want to open the door toss all her stuff and her out it. I don’t want to look at her, talk to her or have anything to do with her at all from now on. I feel like my whole house has been infected with something since she came here it just gets worse. I feel this thickness in the air. Makes it so don’t want to even be in the house.

I want her out then I am going to go through the house and get rid of everything. Couches, beds, dressers, everything and anything and start new. I feel like my house needs clenessed of all the negative we have been living in and that most things need to go.

You know I thought okay Starfish, isn’t going to have a phone for a bit. This might be good, it will give me some time not talking to him to see how I really feel. Do I just feel this way because we have been talking so much? Is it because I am lonely or have been and this fills that? Is it just because I feel he needs me? Or are these feelings really real? Will they go away if we aren’t talking all the time or seeing eachother? We haven’t been seeing eachother anyways but you know.

I truly don’t feel that I have these feelings because I am lonely and that it fills that. Because as much as it sucks, I am okay with being lonely. I have been all this time for years and could of filled that with any of these other guys and haven’t. Even the talking all the time, I talked to Mr. To Broken the same way for a long time and have no feeling for him still. He has begged and everything else and I am not interested. Me and my “friend” have been doing what we are for years I could of easly gotten with him when he talked about it or probably still could he made a few comments the last few times we have talked. I don’t feel it’s because he needs me, because I am already there for him as a friend. I can pretty much do the same things for him either way. Again Mr. To Broken said if I just go out with him everything be alright he be so much better how much he needs someone.

Lets look at it, if I was really wanting to get with someone just to be with someone and not be lonely. Wouldn’t Mr. Broken be the one to get with vs. any of the rest? I mean he give me anything I wanted, help me anyway he can, do anything and everything for me. I wouldn’t have to work, I could just focus on school get it done. Go wherever I wanted to go whenever. And I know for sure where he stands, if I was to get a hold of him right now even at 12:30 am and said you know what I changed my mind your everything I am looking for I want to give us a try and see how it goes. He be thrilled, he would probably show up at my house.

If that was the only reason he be the better option compared to Starfish. Who has to pretty much start from square one. He has to work on getting his licenses back, get a car, and a job. The job is not a big deal. Its just getting him to get out there and go for one. He keeps saying he to far and things. He got to figure that out fast and do something. He is right he is a ways away from everything and depending on his mom who has health problems. If he got a job he could get the car and things fairly quickly. He help me if I needed it here and there but he couldn’t help me all the time like the other could. Not living here and living somewhere else. And that isn’t what I want or what I am looking for. As I have always said. Just saying what the other has offered vs. what this one has.

But I rather be with someone where we can work together to make what we need and want happen. And the kids too. Like I told Starfish the other day something we were talking about. I want someone to do things with, to spend time with, to build with. Not someone who feels they have to rush in and rescue me do everything for me and take over. Yes man is the protector, the provider and head of the house or what. That is fine they can be that but I want to help. Like I told him I let myself get into a bad spot with my ex to I was not able to provide for me and the kids and could not get away and move. I do not want to let myself get that way again. Not just because what he may do or what if they left. More for what if something happen to him and I had to do it on my own again?

Today is Monday we have only talked two times since last Monday. That was Monday when he called to tell me what happen with his phone and see if I heard about the guy at work. Then Saturday when I asked him to call me about the breathing machian. That isn’t anything compared to how much we were talking most the time.

As busy as I am all I have to do, I still find myself thinking about him throughout the day. Wishing I could message him or call him. Really wishing I could see him more than anything. I hadn’t thought about that night we were laying there together until he brought it up. It was nice, I just felt so relaxed and safe, just felt really good, I hadn’t felt that way in a really long time. I find myself thinking about how good it would feel to just feel him embrace me and hold me again. Nothing sexual about it or anything just one of those hugs where as soon as you get it, no matter how stressed you are how bad you feel or how bad things are going. When you get that one hug from the right person you just feel it all release and you feel your heart slow and your body relaxe. Thats it, thats all I really want right now.

I go back to asking myself why? Why him? Why not the others that are talking to me? The others I been talking to?

I keep coming back to the even though we are both interested we didn’t rush into things. Even all the shit that went on in December we have ended up talking again and the feelings have only gotten stronger. I feel this overwhelming urge to tell him still and I do not know why.

I called and talk to my best friend J who moved away. I told her we had been talking a lot. She was like why and after everything that happened and things. I told her I had feelings for her. She was like no, no, no you can’t do that, what are you thinking? You have kids, this is a ballgame like nothing you have ever dealt with. He’s an addict you can’t save him, its a hard thing to kick and get away and stay away from. Her and her husband both are ex addicts and he was a big time dealer. They have been clean over 10 years now. I did not know them back then, they moved down her by her mom to get away from it and be out of it once and for all. I told her I had not felt the way I did about anyone other than RC she was speechless. She just said I really needed to think about everything I would be getting into and will face or may face and how far I am willing to go. That it could get bad while he was trying to get off of it come off of it. Depending what he is on how bad he is on it. That it be a long time before he really be okay and that it would be a life long thing he would have to work to stay away from. She said I needed to really talk with him if this was something we were going to consider and he was going to have to be honest and upfront with me about it all. I know that and would. She said maybe I should tell him how I feel make sure he feels the same way, even though she thinks he does. If he does then go from there but to still take things slow and not rush into anything like living together or telling the kids. Give him time to get off everything and build our relationship. Tell them in like 8 to 10 months instead of 4 to 6. I do not want to move in with anyone or anyone to move in with me right away either. I figure I would not even consider it with anyone until a year and a half at least, probably not until 2 years. I don’t know.

I am going to tell him that as well, that we would not be rushing into living together. That if we got together and he really means what he said about getting clean then he or we should talk to his mom tell her what he wants to do that we are together but we aren’t rushing into things. That he really wants to get clean and has to be, before he can even consider being here around the kids. That he would like to stay there and work on himself and doing this if it would be okay. That he is going to work pay her and save to get a car and all that straight while he does. That I am going to be there to help or be support through it as well. Because I do not know anywhere else he could go that he will not be in the same stuff or around people doing it.

I am also going to tell him that I would like for him to get a different job other than with boss at the shop. That I am willing to help him with getting to and from work. If they could drop him off I could bring him home. Because thats in the same stuff even if he isn’t doing it and just going to get it. And the fact of the way boss does him about work, lets him work then all of a sudden telling him there is no work for weeks or months. He can’t keep playing that game. If he goes back maybe just for a month or two to get the money to get a car and fix things. But it be better if he didn’t. But easier in ways if he could do it just long enough to fix that and get one.

I am just thanking out loud of all things that would need to be considered, discussed and could be a problem. It helps me to think about things and check my feelings and consider if it seems worth it.

I truely and honestly do not think its that bad or it will be that hard for him to do if he stays away from people that are doing it. Because, it is not like it is something he does everyday or every few days. He go a while without it. Like he told boss, he does really good for a while then slides. But in the time we have been talking I notice the times he has that I know of are times things start not going so good or he is upset/depressed about things. But that is where having support and things come in.

I would really love to hear from all of you and what you think. Especially the one’s who have been reading for a while now. But all views and opinions are welcome. Because as much as I would like to explain away these feelings or ignore them in hopes they will go away, I can’t and they aren’t.

Just because I couldn’t help but take a picture when I seen these in the store the other day.

{September 19, 2017}   Unwanted House Guest

As you all may remember my mom moved in with us a few months ago, it has been nothing but hell and fighting since. We have had a few bad fights and one again tonight. She has her truck here she won’t drive it, she didn’t pay the insurance on it so it just sits there. She expects me to run to the store every time she needs smokes, drinks, food, or anything else that she wants. She complains all she does is sit in her room on the computer or lays in her bed because she will not sit on the couch, a chair or even a kitchen chair. Most the time she will not eat whatever I cook or make for any meal. She has to buy her own lunch meat bread and everything else. She won’t drink out of a cup she buys little bottles of coke, bottles of water or drinks out in a cup, because everything is so dirty. The dishes go through the dishwasher so they are clean and sanitized. She can’t use the one bathroom because the kids cleaned the guinea pig cage and went in there and washed their hands. She can’t touch the knob to turn it on, she can’t touch the door knob to open the door because it has the mess from the cage on it. No the cage is not cleaned daily like it should be (my standards) but about once a week and it is a 4 ft x 2 ft cage so it isn’t like it is a little tiny cage. It gets cleaned daily or every few days most the time but not sine she has been here because they shouldn’t clean it why I am making dinner they shouldn’t clean it this time or that time then its to late to clean it. They take it outside to the water house clean it out good clean everything in it good. She can’t touch the front door knob because one of the kids went out it with the trash bag from the kitchen trash and touched it. You would think that my door knobs were sticky, dripping with nasty stuff, had stuff all over them or something and that everything in my house did and you can’t see anything anywhere.

I have bleached down the kitchen and both bathrooms I don’t know how many times. I paid my oldest to do them just the other day because I didn’t feel like doing it and we had bleached the kitchen down why she was gone. That wasn’t good enough for her because we didn’t take a pan of water with bleach in it wipe everything down and then get clean water and wipe the bleach off everything. I told her it was done how it was done it was fine that I would not be bleaching it down so that was that. Then she was complaining because she had a dish pan here that we used for something and that she didn’t have that she wanted to go bleach everything down in the kitchen. If you wash your hands in the bathroom they are not clean you need to wash them in the kitchen before you go to get her food, smokes or a drink, but if you just skip washing them in the bathroom then the kitchen handles are dirty because you didn’t wash before you went in there and washed. I am so over it. Then telling me how my house is so nasty and so dirty and everything else again how I make the kids do everything do nothing, how Father of the Year (my husband) she keeps saying. I said he isn’t my fucking husband anymore. Said how I did and things were here and how this one and that one in the family say it is here. Again they are hardly ever here really they are never ever here maybe once a year if that. I said and funny how they all talk about you behind your back and how you are and everyone knows how she is, oh no they don’t they talk about you they didn’t say this and that when I told her what they said. I said that’s funny get them on the phone I will call them out right here and if they been talking about me, my kids, my house and how it is or not and I will call them out and tell you just what they said and say about you at the same time. I don’t care I have nothing to lose or gain from any of it. She shut up for a minute then.

She started again about something, I said funny you couldn’t wait to come over her then sit down and wait for someone to do everything for you that needs done. No I don’t she starts again. I said yes go the store for this go for that and then go get this or that for food and things. Well you don’t do nothing else, I said oh but yes I do and I don’t need anyone else to take care of. I have enough to take care of. It don’t hurt you you never help anyone blah blah I said yes just not people like you who do nothing for their self, or do nothing but cause problems for everyone else. I said it’s so bad you couldn’t wait to get here. No I had no where to go, I said so your just using and causing problems. I will show you I am getting out of here just as soon as I can and when I do I am calling someone to take care of how things are here it is illegal blah blah bull crap. I said go ahead there is nothing illegal going on here I am not worried about it I will let a cop, dcf worker or anyone else in my house anytime they want to walk up in my house no matter how it looks clean or “dirty” I said make sure it is as filthy as it can get when you call them, and when you call someone and try to start problems because that is all your going to do is try nothing will come of it yet again you better make sure you remember it because you will never see or hear from me or anyone in my house again. I mean it, I will cut her, my sister, grandma, everyone that has anything at all to do with her and not speak to any of them again. I will move when I get ready and everything else and no tell them we did or where we went. We will go ghost and there is nothing she will be able to do about it. She keeps talking about lets go lets go get our stuff take our money and leave. I got news for her I do not plan to move anywhere close to where she wants to go, plans to go or ends up going if she goes before me. I do not and will not take her where I go either. She will not come stay with me when I move so that she can find a place and get settled, if she moves close to me I will not do the first thing to help her get moved there or to help her once she gets there. She is 100% on her own once she moves out of my house.

I have even went so far as to call dcf myself anonymous say I know kids living in x house with x people and this person is causing a problem, the kids are always talking about them and complaining about them and the problems there are there all the time since they came there and they feel that they need to go out and check it out to see what is going on. That they know the family that they do not feel there is abuse to the kids by mom that mom is taking care of the kids but she took in a family member that is causing problems and they feel it needs to be checked into. When they come out and talk to my kids my kids tell them yes this is true this is what grandma does this is how things are and how they have been this is what she says to us what she says to mom and the things she threatens to do, they can tell her that she is the one being abusive and causing problems. They may even tell her that she needs to find somewhere else to go and can’t stay here. But at least then they will have been out know what is going on and what to expect if she does try to call later and when she starts about calling and everything else I just tell her look they been to my house twice now in 7 years over you and it hasn’t worked so no need to call again. I don’t know what else to do.

I have talked to my sister about taking her back to her house until she is done doing this to her face she said she needs 6 weeks to do and can’t because of how dirty it is and how bad it is here she is going to catch some kind of horrible infection and die from it. That I don’t care about her if I did I would have cleaned the house up so she could do this to her face she is going to die because it is going to spread and cause problems if she don’t do it and my dads started on his face and look what happen. Well if you might catch an infection and die if you do it but the odds are you aren’t going to or your going to die because you don’t do it then wouldn’t you go ahead and do it and hope not to catch an infection than not do it and let it spread and cause you more problems? I mean it might be horrible to say but if this is how she is looking at it then if I was her I would at least do what I could to make it better and hope for the best than just not do anything. She just drives me up the wall. She wants to go to her friends house out of state says she would go there until February but she can’t because she has to do this to her face. She has been here more than enough time to do it but won’t because there is always and excuse. She has needed to do it for years and has come up with some excuse and not done it so now its my turn to be her excuse and blamed and just something else to show how horrible of a mom I am. I don’t care I know the truth everyone knows the truth and that is that. I could careless whatever one is saying or isn’t saying about me behind my back. If she is so hell bent that they are talking about me behind my back then why would she not think they were here behind hers. They don’t talk behind one and not the others. Tell me I’m just a pig and I can see it everywhere I look when I turn around and how bad my house is and what I am saying about her is all lies. That her house what fine until (my husband) father of the year came there. I said not true there was the stuff from the body that was in that one apartment where the guy died in there that you went to look at. I said you couldn’t keep your clothes, shoe’s, purse or anything else that you had with you. Grandma and Father of the year had to get rid of their clothes, jackets she had to get rid of her purse they had to get rid of their shoes and then a ton of other stuff had to be gotten rid of because your feet were in the floor of your truck it hadn’t gotten cleaned after you walked around in there and had your shoes in the truck. She don’t know why, how, where the man died in the apartment, she don’t know if anything was on the floor or anything else in there or how it was cleaned. But he died there and he was probably sick and that is in there and he was there long enough that stuff ran from his body and was in there. Then it was something that father of the year done it wasn’t clean in the house they bleached it and bleached it down and the truck and threw stuff away again. But then something that was in that apartment will be found she forgot about or something that had something to do with whatever father of the year did will show up and it starts again. Then they hit a dead animal on the side of the road and that was on her tire and then it probably got on the running board and then it got on her pant leg and his pant leg so they again needed to throw away their pants and shoes and then it was on their hands they touched this and that so now it was dirty and needed to be tossed or bleached. Then that was “cleaned” up and the yard guys blew something under her door from the parking lot with the blower when they were cutting the yards so now whatever that was is in her house and she had to throw away another rug and this or that bleach everything down and throw away stuff and then it be clean and something else would come of it again when she thought of it. She ended up throwing away almost everything in her house, couch, recliner, rugs, lamps pots pans shoes clothing beds anything and everything you can think of. And it couldn’t be given to anyone else because then they may get sick and she would get in trouble because she knew it had this or that on it or wrong with it and gave it to them so now she would go to jail or what. This isn’t something that oh one thing happen then a few months down the road something happen or a year. This is something would happen and she would fix on it for a year or months until something happen then fix on it and some times it and the other thing or it and the things from three times ago. She has been this way for a long time and it just goes in a circle.

I am rambling and bitching I know I am sorry and your a saint if you made it this far. I am just so aggravated and frustrated with everything that is going on that she has done. I have told her over and over to get her stuff and get out that i was going to the court house and filing papers to get her out that I would move and leave her here and let the owner deal with getting her out and everything else. The thing is if I file against her to get her out she will not be able to get anywhere at all because once you have been filed against here they will not rent to you. I know I shouldn’t care what happens or where she goes I don’t but I don’t want to see her out in the street either. I just don’t want her in my house.

{March 26, 2017}   Drug Houses

My sister told me that my mother said my house looks worse than the drug houses she use to clean out. I am not sure what houses she is talking about or when she done this but this is what she said. I am just done everyone is laughing at her because they know it isn’t true. It just really pisses me off, I don’t know why it gets to me so much but it does, I just want to go over there and lay into her and tell her that she will not be seeing me or my kids anymore and that if Father of the Year wants them to come over and stay and things he is going to need to find somewhere else to live because he isn’t going to be bringing them around her either.

I don’t know what to do she has called me two or three times this week and every time she starts about same old shit. I got to get this house cleaned up the kids are going to get tetanus I got to go get their shots. She went so far as to tell me the other day that what is wrong with my Big Boy is not my fault!! I said no it isn’t I never said it was. She said the shots don’t cause what is wrong with him and that it is in Father of the Years family. I told her I knew the shots didn’t cause it but that they could be a very big trigger in it. I told her no one is saying that they cause it but that they can trigger it. She then told me if I was SCARED to take them to give Father of The Year something and they would take them. I said why would I be scared to take them I have no problem taking them if I feel they need it? Well I don’t know you just won’t take them will you take them? I said I will have to look into it and see. She said that is what you have been saying for years. I said okay I have to go, the kids need dinner I was about to cook, because she just went on and on about it. Oh and she made sure to tell me that if I got them shots and something happen that wasn’t my fault either but if I didn’t and something happen then that would be my fault because I didn’t get them and I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. I said either way I would, but it will be a lot easier to live with knowing that I did what I felt was right for my children and didn’t blindly give them something just because the masses were giving it and telling me it was fine. I will know I researched for hours for over a year and made a well informed educated decision. Well it isn’t right and you need to go get them I worry about this all the time and stress about it if you just get them. No not happening, not getting my kids something to make her feel better and not stress. If she don’t want to worry and stress over something that is not her choice to make or to worry and stress about then why don’t she go get on medication to help her with that. Next time she says that to me that is what I am going to tell her too. It is not up to you it is not open for discussion anymore if you bring it up anymore I will just hang up and not answer. If you are so worried maybe you should go get some meds to help you not worry about everyone else business. I am that done hearing about it. When I do World war 3 will start but I don’t care and that is probably when she will decide she needs to call someone. I don’t care go for it. Then she changed the subject to something else. How I told Father of the Year he was enabling her. I said no I told him he needs to stop agreeing with everything you say because he knows it isn’t true or likely to happen either and thinks it is all crazy as well. No he don’t and that I needed to stop telling my sister things that I have her brainwashed into thinking that nothing bad can ever happen to any of the kids. I said no I don’t she said the same as me it is highly unlikely anything will ever happen or come of any of the stuff you worry about and anyone else would never even think of all the stuff that you think of. That’s not true and she has asked two or three people about all these different things she is worried about and they said the same thing. They would be cleaning like she is and getting rid of stuff and making excuses about why she got rid of the stuff she did and things. Again I don’t know who these people are that she is talking to because anyone you ask her about she tells you she hasn’t talk to them in months or more and all that is wrong with them and why she don’t talk to them when they were best friends of hers and she has known them for over 20 years. But everyone agrees with her. It is maddening it really is.

I know you can’t tell them anything because this is what they really think and how they really feel and your not going to change their minds. I know my step dad told my sister the other day he left because of how she was about cleaning and things having to be just this way or that and control everything. I guess I was a kid I didn’t notice it a lot or just thought nothing of it. I remember her telling me how my kids have so many chores and shouldn’t have to do this or that or have chores and how we never had chores when we were younger. I thought the other day we didn’t until we were older but that is probably just because she was to OCD and germafob then to let us do it because it wouldn’t be to her standards.

She told me she is the way she is about being clean because of me almost dying when I was about 4 months old because of all things my first set of baby shots. They gave them to me with a dirty needle and I got bacteria in the blood and I almost died. They took my to one hospital and they told them they had to take me to the other one about 20 miles or more away and that they didn’t know if I was going to live until they got me there but maybe not. How they did all these test on me and spinal taps and I was quarantine because they didn’t know what I had. My fever was so high that they wasn’t sure how high it really was because the thermometer didn’t go any higher. They told her they were surprised I wasn’t having seizure and they did not know if I would have brain damage from it until I was older. I don’t know what made her this way and maybe that was it but guess what I lived that should say a lot to her. That yes people get things and die every day but people also get horrible things and live everyday too. I also feel that no matter your age, no matter your health, no matter your color, how well off you are or are not or what happens to you or how sick you get if it is not your time to go you are not going to go. If it is your time to go nothing you have, say or do will change that, you will go. Not flying because the plan might crash is stupid. Because if it is your time to go you could go in your sleep if you don’t get on that plan or have an accident on the way to work. God is not going to keep someone on this earth no loner than he has decided for them to be here. He also is not going to take someone no sooner than he is ready for them to go. Look at all the stores you hear this or that happen to someone they never should have lived but they walked away fine. Or this person done this simple thing that 1000’s of others do every day and some freak thing happen and they died. Maybe how they died wasn’t how they were supposed to die to start with but we all have free will and do things that we are not meant to do so then he has to take us some other way. He has a reason for people going when and how they do as well.



{February 13, 2017}   Lot Of Nothing Done

I feel like I have gotten a lot of nothing done the last 6 days or so. Everyone has been sick, Little Bitty was like an oven last night with fever. I got her up this morning and it was over 100 so she couldn’t go to school. It’s been up to 101. I called my friend right away and ask her if she would please come sit with her I had school and therapy today. She said she would, when I picked her up then she told me she just got to sleep an hour or two before I called she hadn’t been able to sleep all night. Little Bitty asked for ice cream this morning so I got us all milkshakes. I figured it would lover her temperature or help with it maybe. I dropped them off and went to class. I got home she was up playing she had a pillow and blanket laying on the couch. She said she played some and laid around some while I was gone and that over all she was good.

I hung out with them for a little bit then had to go to my appointment. Before I left the helicopter was flying over it looked like the store in the front of my area. I told them lets ride up there and see what was going on before I left, she don’t have a phone right now so no way to call if she needed too. I figured it be best to see what was going on before just leaving them. We got up there and there was nothing there. We sat there a minute and was talking because there were no cops nothing like nothing had happen even. Then I seen it flying across the main road over the school. I drove down that way and the school was on lock down all the gates were closed. We still didn’t see cops just them flying over. I said I don’t know but it isn’t even in my area or close to my house for the most part so you all should be fine. I went up the road and turned down this street I know over there to cut across and come back home. Soon as I made the turn the road was blocked there were cops with guns, dogs and people everywhere. I said well we found it and it is pretty far from my house. We couldn’t turn around really so we had to go around the block and out. We seen a few cops then with streets all blocked off on that side on the way home but we have not heard what happen or what they were looking for. It was probably about 3 or 4 miles away. Not super far but not in my backyard or front yard. There is like a simie main road that runs between my area and the school and the other area and their school they are blocks and blocks behind me before you get to that road, then you cross it and go a ton more blocks down before you get to where it is.

I went to therapy and picked the kids up and we came home picked them up and took my friend home. I had to go to the store for somethings and get Little Guy from school. I took them to get cards for tomorrow from the Dollar Tree and we came home for the night. Little bitty wanted Chicken Soup for dinner so I got the stuff and made homemade soup for her and everyone. I figured it would be more filling than the little cans of stuff. It was pretty good but didn’t turn out as good as it does most the time. It was missing something flavor wise and I forgot to throw the bag of mixed veggies in. I also picked up lunch-able because I figured if they still wanted something to eat they could eat them but they all ate the soup really good.

I wanted to work on the hutch more but it was cool out and I had homework to do so I just skipped it tonight. I am still trying to figure out how to cut this one part of the board off it isn’t but a few inches that need to be cut but we are having a hard time finding something to cut it. I asked my oldest to try it today and she broke the corner off. I hope that it will still work once we get it cut right and put in. I do not know what is wrong with her lately, she did that I had told her what needed to be done, she filled out cards for Little Guy, she taped them all so that the to and from was on the inside, just simple things that I know she knows how to do or knows what I am talking about she screws all around. I am starting to get really mad about it. I just don’t know what her problem is lately.

I have to redo my assay for self awareness for my one class because I guess I didn’t add enough information to it. I have to get my work done for the other class because she changed the assignment up on me this term so I don’t have it done and the other is the one I couldn’t find because of the book last time. I hope that I have the right book this time. I haven’t had to use it this far but do now. I already have an exam at the school in this class next week. I hope it is as easy as it was last time. My other class I have a 200 point project coming up due in March and it aggravates me because I can only get into part of the information for that week until closer to time. It should be interesting I think it will be anyway. We have to make a genogram of our family and write our family story.

I done a lot but I feel like my house is falling apart and I can’t get anything done. I hate it, I feel like I am getting part of this and pieces of that and not every finishing anything. The kids are not wanting to help and do their parts we have been going around with that. I just want to rip through my house and clean every room out and put back together again. I have purged and purged and feel like I do every few months but  feel like I am never done, there is just so much crap. But I really can’t do it with them here getting into everything and in the way. I would like to get some paint and paint the place too while I have the rooms cleaned out. I want to take everything from one room at a time purge and replace what is left to the room but I want to paint it first. I feel like it has gotten to out of control and when I try to fix it it gets half done and then messed up again why I go take care of other stuff and have to come back to a mess or not able to come back because of something coming up. I am ready to tell him he has to find someone that will watch them at their house for the weekend so that I can do what I want to do and get some cleaning done. He can like or not I don’t really care. I am going to tell him he has to come get them drop them off there and pick them up so he will have to pay and not leave me stuck paying for it. I am telling him that I used my money to pay my rent up as well so he won’t think I have all that much. I am going to pay it but just not all in one lump sum. I think I am going to pay March and Aprils when it comes due the first. Then the first of March pay two months again. Then do that the following month, if I do that the next 4 months I will have through September paid. I will have to see how it goes. He is supposed to start paying me again. I don’t know if he will or not. If he does I should have no problem paying it up for a while. I oh crud I have to pay the lights I forgot it came in the mail the other day. I don’t think it is all that much though just need to do it.

I got to get off here and try to get some sleep. I need to save my internet until I pay my bill this week and I have to be at school with the kids tomorrow all day then therapy and then chicken meeting. It is going to be such a long day. I can’t wait until these chickens are sold and we don’t have to be messing with them. I do not feel the middle two are really learning anything and I do not like how they only have meetings once a month and then they aren’t really learning much of anything but the same thing every month. April can’t get here fast enough. On the bright side they have started laying eggs. We found an egg a day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. They all should be laying here really soon. When they do we will have about 30 eggs give or take every day. They are pretty small right now but they will get bigger I guess as they get older. I wish I had a place to keep ours I would it would be much easier than running out there and we wouldn’t’ have to buy eggs we would have them and they could sell them.

{February 6, 2017}   Time To Suck It Up Buttercup

Unfortunately I am the Buttercup that has to suck it up this time. I have really been going back and forth with the guinea pig thing with the little kids the last week or so. As I told you all in my post A Trip to Disney, my little ones saved enough money to get guinea pigs way sooner than I expected them to. I had been trying to think of other things to get them to spend their money on and one of them was going to Disney. I really haven’t felt right about trying to get them to spend their money one something else and not holding up my end of the deal with them. We agreed that they could save their money again after that and get them once they had enough then. But who knows if they would be able to or how long it would take them. They saved so much as so fast this time because Father of the Years parents send them amazon gift cards for their birthdays and Christmas for $25. They may have the last two years but who knows if they will keep doing it. My dad use to give them money and I know they are trying to save so I gave them a couple dollars on their birthdays to put in their bank and save. But other than that no one else ever gives them money and they never get money from anywhere else. So they may not be able to save enough again for an extremely long time. I would feel bad for not holding my end of the deal up so I decided to just go ahead and let them get them if they have enough. If they don’t they probably will after Little Bitty’s birthday.

Friday I took them to the pet store and they spent a while taking to the man about all that they need and how to take care of them and how much it would be to start off. He gave them all the information and gave them a price of $115 without a cage. But that included two pigs and everything else they would need. He said most of that would last a few months other than the food bowls, house, water bottles and things like that to put in the cage. He showed us some cages but told them to check on line and other places for a used cage and save some of their money because they could find some nice ones used pretty cheap most the time. He told them that it would be best to get two females if they wanted two because they wouldn’t fight to be the domineer one as much as two males. He had two males and one female. He said he put in a order for more females but not males but he never knew what they would really send but he would have more come in if they had them Thursday. So he told them to look for a cage and get it ready then come back Thursday to pick two out.

I have been looking for a good size cage but haven’t found anything that would work very well. My oldest decided she wants one too now, so we need something that will hold three. They need about 10 sq ft of room for three. I don’t know what we are going to get to put them in at this point. I wanted to get one of the big Ferret Nation Cages but they said it isn’t good for them to go up and down the ramps and that if they fall or anything they can hurt their-self. I thought it would give them room all through the cage since it had different levels and it would keep them safe from the dogs. They ferrets were pretty safe in theirs when we had them and the dogs. I found one that is a little smaller I have thought about going to look at it see if I can lay it on it’s back with the door on the top and put a bottom inside so it is a smooth sefice for them to walk on not the bars. A lot of the cages for them have the door on top not the side. I am not sure if it would give them the room they need or if it would take up to much space then. I am also looking at a rabbit hutch for them that I can put a bottom into. The boys have room in their bedroom for one that they could fit in. They have one full wall empty if I take the desk out of there and put it back in the back room. I just have to find one cheap enough.

I know a lot of people will say I am cray for doing it but I can’t go back on my side of the deal and tell them no. It isn’t right and one of my biggest pet peeves. I get so mad when people do it to me or tell me something and don’t do it or they do something different. I think it might be good for them too having something that is just there to take care of. They were so careful with them at the store and their little faces just lit up looking at them and talking to the guy about them, when he let them hold them they were just thrilled and talking being able to have them and take care of them and making sure they have what they need and playing with them. They are their babies. We have therapy Thursday I may take them after to get them or maybe pick them up early and take them to get them. Maybe I will check them out early and take them to get them before I pick up the older kids. I don’t know that wouldn’t work because my oldest wants to get one too. I will have to see if she still wants to get one or not by then or if she changes her mind. She wanted me to let her get a rat and I just can’t let them have a rat in my house it just creeps me out to much. That is when she decided she wanted one but that she didn’t have enough money to buy it and help pay for the cage and things. She told the little kids she would help them take care of theirs if she could put hers in with them since they are going to have a cage already. They said okay. I ask her if she knew what she was getting herself into she said if they would feed and water them she would change and clean their cage. I am sure they will help change the stuff and clean it as well. I know they will love feeding and watering them. That shouldn’t be to hard for them because they just fill the bottle with water put it back on and put the food in the bowls. They feed and water the dogs sometimes. It will differently be a new adventure for them.

{January 27, 2017}   What Have I Done

I am sure I have talked about the rule in my house of no pets in cages until your old enough to take care of them clean the cage on your own along with feed water them and whatever else they need on your own. Well my little’s 3.5 and 6 yo want guinea pigs and I told them the same no pets in cages unless you can take care of it on your own. Then my oldest saved her money and bought herself birds. They had the wonderful idea of if we save our money can we get guinea pigs? Sure if you can save enough to get them, their cage, water, food, bedding and everything else they need then you can get them. I figure no way will they be able to save that much for a while. At least until Mr.6 is a little older and that would make her a little older as well. Maybe not as old as I would like but old enough if they do it then they should between the two be able to handle them. Wishful thinking there, between the two of them they have saved $189 it will be $214 by the time she has her birthday in April if not more depending on who all gives her money. My 3.5 yo old has right now $100 and Mr.6 has $89 he spent some of his before he decided this idea.

Father of The Years parents send them $25 gift cards for their birthday and Christmas. Little Bitty has hers from the last two years just sitting her saved because she really didn’t need anything and has more than enough toys. She heard me telling the other kids how much they had and she wanted to know if how much money she had. I told her and she asked if that was a lot? Then her brother said we have a lot and we have even more together we can get our guinea pigs. Since they are very social animals and should be in pairs or more they decided to each get one and split the cost of everything. I asked Little Bitty who was going to clean the cage she said she would get toilet paper and clean the poop out of it and feed him lots of yummy food.

I am now left to research more about them and figure out the easiest and best way to care for them. They need a really good sturdy cage so the dogs can’t get to them. I found one that would probably work perfect for that on craigslist for about $100. I figured if they still had it when I got my money I would ask them if they still had it and try to get it for a little less for them. It has two stores and on wheels should be plenty of room for them to roam around in and play. I am going to try to put a little box in and see if they can litter train them. I have read where you can. That should keep the cleaning process a lot easier if we can do that. With them being so little I will probably just take a cardboard flat and put in there so all they have to do is take it and throw it away instead of messing with keeping a little pan clean and not spelling. I think I am going to make room in our very back room for them and the birds so they are not taking up my living room and maybe the fish too. I want to put the frogs in my big tank but I am not sue as big as my sucker fish has gotten . I am thinking about making it into a area for the kids to go play but not a play room for say. I still have all my books cases out there and have no where for them so they have to stay out there. But we have taken a desk out of there and some other things could come out. If they do then I can put the animals back there and make a area for them to sit and read or do school work or play. I will need a rug for back there and I don’t know what else.

Big boy is still saving for a Tortoise and has about $80 but he still has a little ways to go for all that he is going to need between a heat light, house and cage for the yard and other things. He wants to have it inside at first and that is fine but he needs to know how long he is going to be able to keep it inside before it has to go outside because it gets to big. They told us they double in size every few months for so many years. Even if he can keep it inside for a while he needs to figure out how big it is going to get the first year to two years and have a cage big enough for it to grow into so he has time to save for what it needs next. He wants this thing so that he can have a pet for years to come. It could out live him. He said he was going to leave it to his older sister if it does so she could take care of it since she wants to be a vet. Then he said he would will it to his grand kids if they promise to take care of it and keep it. I just hope that when he gets it that it really does live to be pretty old and nothing happens to it right away he will be devastated he has wanted it for so long.

I am just having a little anxiety attack that my little ones maybe getting pets so soon. I even asked Mr.6 if he would rather take his money and go to Down Town Disney and spend the day instead of getting a pet and he said no. He said that would be fun for a little bit but then his money would be gone and he wouldn’t have anymore fun. But if he got his pet he would have them for a long time and could play with them and love them and have fun with them all the time.

{January 7, 2017}   Busy Day of Cleaning

I stayed up way to late last night playing game with the older kids and then tried to sleep this morning. I went to bed about 4 and the kids were up by 8. I tried until about 11 to sleep but the kids would leave me alone so I finally got up and we had lunch. I wanted to go bet my washer but it was raining, then I remembered my seat to the truck was sitting out in the rain. I had to go move it but it was already wet.

I finally got the washer about 5 this evening. We got the old ones moved out the new ones moved in cleaned up from sitting in the shed for a few months and have the second load of clothes washing and the first drying. Its a really nice drier well worth the $100 on it’s own. The washer isn’t bad either it is a good brand that are supposed to last and it seems to hold more than my old one. Its a little older than the drier and has a little rust on the bottom. and around the back of the lid. But it isn’t in bad shape really. I can not complain for the price and the fact he is letting me have them for over a month without paying him.

I have tore my room apart and put it back together put mattress cover on the bed and all. Washing the sheets off mine and all the kids why I am supposed to be cleaning their rooms and putting covers on their mattresses. I sat down for a break and decided to check in since I haven’t been on today. I am just trying to get the house clean really good and organized before Monday when we all start school. Now I won’t have a week between assignments for classes like I do most the time I will only have a day between some of them since I am taking the one class at the school and have to be there twice a week.

I better get off here and get the girls rooms done. My Little Bitty is wanting to go to bed, even though it is her mess everywhere in there that needs cleaned. She gets really grouchy once she decides she is ready to go to bed. She is borderline right now. I want to get done so she can go before she goes into full blown meltdown. It is late but I could not really start anything until I was able to wash stuff. If I done it before i would have stripped beds and a bigger mess with everything in the way. Now everyone has nice clean sheets and blankets for the night once the load gets done washing and drying. Thank God for my friends.

et cetera
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