{February 26, 2021}   Not Safe Anymore

I get home Monday night and I see flashing lights on the street between me and the school. From where I was I thought they were closer to the stop, where JW’s best friend lives. As I got closer I could tell there was a lot of cops and they were about half way down the street but that was it.

I pull in park and go inside and said something about the police down the other street. They start telling me they called them. My oldest said her and 2nd oldest went to walk the dog and get clothes from the dryer.

She said they were standing in the yard talking and all of a sudden they heard something. Then they heard a car and it came flying by the house. She said she didn’t know how they made the 90 degree turn without wreck. Then they heard a women or girl screaming for help and someone to please help her coming from over where the car came from.

She said they were scared to call the police because of the DCF bullshit but the lady sounded so upset and they knew something was wrong she sounded so bad. So they called and a bunch of police came flying by.

We went on with our night I checked to see if anyone around me was talking about it olives.on line because my friend lives across from JW’s and he post if he see’s things going on or messages me because he knows the kids are here when i work. But he hadn’t posted anything. I took my shower and ate dinner and kind of forgot about it. I was flipping channels and stopped on this one I never watch. I don’t know if I went to do something or why it was on there. Well in a little bit news comes on. The first thing they say is 17 year old shot in my area. Not putting 2 and 2 together for some reason. I look up as they flash a picture and show the street between me and the school. The street JW’s friend lives on. Who has a 17 year old son. I walked out in the living room the kids were freaking out.

Little bitty is pointing to the tv telling me thats at their school. It basically is the back yard butts up to the school its right on other side of the fence. Mr. 10 has his hands around his face\head and asking if that is really by us that close. He is my one with high anxiety. Mr.15 is pacing the kitchen asking if I found a place to move yet and when we can move. Oldest is telling me she should of got the car’s tag number and she seen it they could know who it was.

I told her it was fine she did the right thing. Told them it was a targeted shooting. Trying to calm them down some and hopefully keep them from worrying. Although it’s to to close to home and anything could of happened. But us mom’s we have to try to put our kids fears to rest even if we are sick from it all right? I was thinking they know my kids seen them leaving there what might they come back and do? I don’t think anything really but it’s something to worry about.

Soon as I got done with them I went back to my room and called JW to see if he seen the news. He said no and I told him what was going on. He said I have to go make a call I will call you back. He wanted to check on his friends kid. He couldn’t get him. The next morning all the cars were home. He still couldn’t get him. He finally got in touch with him later in the day. Something was wrong with his phone. But his kids were okay.

Then JW finds out it is the two guys he works with it is their cousin that was shot. I am a little pissed off about it for a few reasons. A while back officers seen a car that matched one they were looking for. It was over in an area about 5 minutes away. There was the driver he picked up a kid and there was one other in the car. Not sure if he was already in or got in too. They backed out started to go and the cops came out told them to stop had guns out. The drive did not stop they told him again. He still kept moving the car after telling him 3 times i think the cop shot it killed the 2 boys in the front seat. Everyone had a fit rallied in the streets everything else. Even boy in backseat of the car said he could hear the cop saying stop.

It was said they had been on tik toc waving guns around and pointing them at people just before this happened this why they were pulling them over.

Then at the funeral some 16 year old had a gun on him dropped it or something. Shot him and another girl at the funeral. Now this with 17 year old in my yard basically scaring my kids.

It pisses me of because 1) kids and parents need to look at who their kids are running with and what they are into. 2) teach them better to start with so they aren’t out here doing this stuff. 3) take it somewhere else not our decent nice areas. 4) I was already moving in the next few months now its asap because my kids don’t feel safe.

My area was a nice area I grew up here running all over. I would walk to the store’s work, shop or hung out. We would go play on the playground at the park. I have been here since 2014 my kids have never done these things. It sucks that now they could it isn’t safe. People like this guy call you friend why him and his family are part of the issue and bring it to your house like this.

This has been my week. Hope your is better. I will fill you in on the house hunting renting\buying mess in another post. Spoiler alert it isn’t going well. But of course not when dose it?

{April 10, 2019}   Someone Talk Me Down

I don’t know why but Special K has been on my mind the last few hours. I keep wanting to contact him see what’s up and if he wants to hangout tonight. I thought about asking him if he wanted to go out with us tonight or was up for company tonight. I know it isn’t a good idea and I shouldn’t. I haven’t heard from him since the end of February when he wanted to get together and I told him I was with someone. I never told him I wasn’t or what. I just left it alone and planed not to go back there again. That part of life behind me move on and let him move on.

But I was thinking about him the other night for some reason and the erg to call  him has been strong today. I know it is for all the wrong reasons If I am really supper honest here. I know it is sex and it is wanting to be close and wanting that someone to be with. I feel bad for wanting to call him even though I know we both know what we are doing because I know he wants more. Like I said before he is my “safe” person I guess you would say. My comfort without getting to close or involved. I want to feel loved even if it’s not. I’m burning both ends of the candle, giving none stop and getting nothing in return for me. You can only give so much and get nothing in return I am starting to feel it.

Bff called and was talking to me I told her I wanted to call him she says do it. I told her I can’t do that and she keeps saying yes I can it’s alright and nothing wrong with it.

{May 10, 2018}   The Little Things

Last night on my way home as I was driving, I reached over with my right hand to the passenger side. I realized I was feeling for something. In my head I just had to kind of stop thinking about everything else and try to figureout what I was reaching for. I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out.

Then it hit me, I was reaching for a hand. I was feeling around the console and seat for it. It was just one of those wow I was just doing that moments, because it has been so long since I have done that. Then anther thought hit me, that is why you ride with your hand like you do all the time. You got so use to it, it is just natural and comfortable to you. You do it without even thinking.

You see when I was with RC when we would go somewhere he would reach over and hold my hand while we were riding. It didn’t matter who was driving. We didn’t hold hands all the way or very long even, just like a unspoken, everythings going to be okay, I love you, or whatever like that.

When I am driving a lot of the times I have my hand on the arm of the passengers seat if no one is with me. When I do it, it seems awkward or odd but just feels right.

Last night driving home from work I was just thinking about a lot. Being a lone, going home to no one and just wanting to feel that closeness. I guess without even realizing I just reach out for that hand. I was thinking about the times me and Starfish would go ride around and talk or go out to the beach and walk. He grab my hand as we were walking on the beach and pull me over to him. I been talking to him before I left work and thinking about how I wish things were different for me right now and I just tell him how I feel.

It really is the little things you miss most when your alone. It isn’t about the sex or the money and all that. It’s about knowing your not alone, someone is there for you, someone cares about you, wants to build with you and see you happy. They do the little things that they don’t have to do to show you.

For me I think the biggest little thing I do is send random text throughout the day. I love you, miss you, thank you, wish you was here, hows your day going, thinking of you. Just to hopefully make them feel good and let them know I am thinking of them.

RC wasn’t sure what to think at first when I would do it. He didn’t say much at first that was fine, I didn’t expect a responce back. Not why I did it. Then one day he said something about the text I sent why he was at work or not home. How he wish he could be home more or something like that and that he couldn’t use his phone much at work. Something about being mad or upset with him.

I said what are you talking about? I didn’t say anthing about being mad or you not texting me when your working. He said the text you send missing you and things.

I said I didn’t send them because I am upset or mad your working or because I wanted you to text me why your at work all day. He looked at me funny. I said I text you just to say hey I love you or hey I’m thinking about because I care and want you to know, maybe brighten your day if your having a ruff day. I said I don’t expect a response I know you can’t check your phone everytime it goes off. But it be there for you when you get a minute to check it or a break. He just stopped and stood there like he didn’t know what to say. He said really? I saod yeah really I don’t need you with me 24/7 just like I can’t be here with you 24/7 we have things to do take care of. But it don’t mean I’m not thinking about you, missing you or want to be with you. Its just saying hey we are busy but can’t wait until we aren’t and can spend time together. He said wow. I was like what, I’ll stop sorry. He said no your fine I just never had anyone do something like that or say anything like that. Most times they are complaining because I’m working to much and I’m not glued to my phone talking to them why I am at work. I said no that isn’t it at all. If I had a problem I come to you say so not send messages.

et cetera
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