{April 3, 2019}   To Scared To Be Alone

I was talking to Bff after she got off work a little bit ago and she said she had heard from Sleeping Beauty again and he was working. I guess since he couldn’t get in or a ride home. That he is so tired and he is hungry. So she is taking him lunch. Said she called him he told her he was driving he would message her when he stopped.

I said um wait a minute he is working, he is out driving around in the company truck, so he is passing by stores and places to get something to eat. Why are you driving across town to take him lunch? He takes the truck anywhere he wants to go even the car lot where I worked knowing his boss and them don’t get a long or he isn’t supposed to be there for whatever reason when he is on the clock and in the company truck. But he can’t stop at the little store the fast food place or something and get something to eat. I call bullshit.

She said probably because he don’t have no money to get anything. I gave him money the other day. I said wait, wait a minute what are you talking about you gave him money? She said so he had money for lunch and drinks. I said why? She said I don’t know he didn’t have any. I said he gets paid Friday for one job and he gets paid Monday or Tuesday for the other. You are telling me you gave him money on Monday or Tuesday is when you gave him money. Where was his? Hum I don’t know she says. I said again why are you giving him money anyway? He isn’t paying you to be there or anything. She said because I was stupid for a minute. I said yeah I would say so.

Buy then I started thinking what is he making and how much money has he had this month that he has been there? I said he is making at least $10 at the one job when he does that and I know he makes more at the other but…. She said he makes $15 when he does the houses. I said okay so he is working full time 40 or more hours a week making at least $10 an hour. I said he is “working late” all these nights here and there. So he is making more then.

I said lets do this, lets say he is working only 35 hours a week just to make it easy and that he is only making the $10 an hour. So that would be $350 a week. That would be $1400 a month and they are not taking taxes out. So he has had $1400 since he has been at your house. He says he gave his mom $200 to get his brother out of jail. She said he spent $78 taking them all to dinner the other night. He spent $20 the day we went out. oh he spent more he bought some things at the other store too probably $50 or so I forgot about.  I said okay lets say he has spent $500 this month why he was there. That leaves him with $900 for the month he should still have in his pocket right now. I said even if he spent $100 or two more even. Keep in mind we are already undercut what he made by a lot since we didn’t account for $15 an hour when he works doing houses instead of the lot and we only figured him at 35 hours a week not 40. But just working with the numbers we are using that leaves $225 a week in his pocket. Where is that $225 right now for this week? Where is that $900 that he should have from the rest of the month? Then I hear her and she is thinking. She is like I don’t know. I said I do I think it is right up his nose. That is why you have seen such a change in him and the way he acts and doing. She said it isn’t even like I know him anymore. I said yep that is how it is. I said $225 is a lot and really he is doing more than $225 worth in a week that is worse. I said what are you going to do when he don’t get up one morning or from his nap and you go to wake him up and he don’t get up? Or worse what if one of your kids go in there and can’t get him up? Then what? She didn’t say anything trying to change the subject.

Then she tells me that her friend was on her about getting him out of there. She said you know who is all over me about having him here? She told me. Said he was telling her what are you doing why is here there what are you thinking you need to get him out of there and away from your kids. Said he told her this isn’t the her he knows and that if they were somewhere and someone was just smoking pot she had a fit and things. I said um hum thank you all the same I have been saying to you. He telling her it is going to get bad and that she needs to get him out before something happens that she don’t know what she is setting herself up for with having him there and everything he is doing and everything she is going through and dealing with. I said hello and why aren’t you listening I’m not the only one telling you.

She said she was talking to Sleeping Beauty the other day and something was said he said you’er listening to everyone else aren’t you. Then today he said something about her talking to me and ask her if I was there last night I guess when she was talking to him and things. She said no why. He said because something she said and then he got a message from me. I sent this picture to him an inside joke between us. He never replied.

She says I wonder why he don’t like us talking? Because he always made comments about us talking when he was at my house too. I said because like you said because like you said, he knows your naive and sheltered and he knows he can slide things by you and things. He knows I’m not that easy to slide things by and that if you say something or tell me something I’m going to be like but wait this or that. Like I have been.

I honestly think that she is scared to be there alone. She is the one that won’t go anywhere at night if she does she has me or someone on the phone with her the whole time driving there back and everything. She just don’t want to be alone over all. She has never been alone. She has been with her husband since she was 15. She has never been on her own and out on her own or done anything on her own. She is doing pretty good taking care of things but to be there all the time with the kids and no having anyone I think scares her. She has already been telling me how they have been with everything going on and how she don’t want to deal with it and things. Sleeping Beauty making comments and saying things to her about not dealing with things and not handling things she needs to or how she should and letting things go or not doing anything about stuff because she don’t want to deal with it. He is right there and me and her have talked about it before. She is seeing now that things she has done with them growing up has come back to  bit her in the ass now and she says you always said and now look. I said but you can still fix it but you have to put your foot down and fix it now keep letting it go or keep giving in because you can’t deal with this or that they do. If they do this or that that just mean that they now have to do something else on top of whatever they are already doing because they are keeping on.

He is helping her, like he helped when he first came to my house with the kids and things. But he has started some problems with the kids now too and they go back and forth on rather they like him or not, like a few of mine did. But he is stressing her the hell out and the not paying when he is making the money and watching her trying to work it all out and then to say he will start paying once she gets old boss out of the house and he can’t come back there anymore. I said wait where does he get off telling you when he will start paying you wen he is staying with you in your house? I said he should be helping from the start, if he had went down the street to friends house he would be paying all this time what is the difference? I said he didn’t pay the one week or so he was at my house because he wasn’t working then he started paying me when he started working until that week he left he left then without paying me. I said so what he is saying is he is going to take a free ride on you because if he paid you and you had the money he is sending you then you could be saving money and have money to do more with. I said it is non of his business if you let him come back when you tell him it is over he isn’t coming back or can’t come back or anything like that. That is between the two of you. I said it sure the hell isn’t his place to move into your house and tell you he will start paying you when he is ready and how things have to be before he starts paying you. She was like I don’t know it’s just what he said. I said and you are going along with it and letting him. That is why he is doing what he is doing and why he is acting the way he is. Because you let him and you don’t say anything. He made the comment to her that he isn’t going anywhere she told him today she thought he was going to pack his stuff and leave today when she was at work because of things that were said between them the last few days said he told her he already told her he wasn’t going anywhere.

I am with her other friend she needs to really think about what she is doing and how she goes about things. She is not thinking clear with everything going on and she is causing herself more problems than it is worth. All she has done today when I talk to her is bitch about him. I said if he is causing you this much stress why are you letting him stay? It isn’t hard tell him to leave. Why are you letting him stress you out so bad over shit he has no right to say anything about and no business getting into? Tell him this isn’t working you got to go. She says I know I know and I feel sorry for him. I said you can’t feel sorry for him. She said I want to see him do good and do better. I said yeah me too but he can’t treat people like this until he decides to and he may never decide to at this point. I said I know he wants better but he isn’t doing anything to have better.

I said he needs $7000 to get his drivers license back if he took that $900 and put toward that then he would only owe $6100 to get it back. But no where is it? No one knows he can’t tell you and won’t even talk about it if you point it out and ask. It would be a fight. She again I don’t know and all this. I said I do we all do you do too it’s up his nose. Again his not a problem is a problem when he is spending that kind of money on it and doing that much of it and he has nothing to show for it. Nothing at all to show for it. We aren’t talking $10, $50, $90 or even a couple $100 in a month to show for. We all spend money here and there and have nothing to show for it. But you don’t spend $900 or more a month and have nothing to show for it when you have no bills or anything else to account for paying either.

Something else he said really pissed me off I said WTF are you talking about I said now I am ready to come throw him out and kick your ass too. She said oh well then. I said no really because now this is really not right that is messed up and this is not right I am not the only one telling you that, others are telling you that and this isn’t like you. I said others are coming up and telling you what he is doing and just like before they are right. I said when he came to my house I wasn’t sure what to believe or who to believe because I didn’t know any of them very well, they were all at each others throat and talking shit about what the other one was doing. But then it all came to light and we figured out that they weren’t lying about everything. They were right he was doing this. When I found out and figured it out I went straight and confronted him and that is when he decided to leave.

She said he was telling her different things and just being nasty or mean. I said yeah he didn’t get that way with me until after he had left. But he knew I wasn’t going to let that kind of shit fly I would say something right there when he said something. When he got mad at me and started calling me bitch this and i said shut up and I said this and do this and don’t do that you need to stop and things. Was when I sent him all the messages after he left the way he did. I said well I had something to say and since you want to run from your problems like you do I am going to have my say. You had yours so now I am having mine. That is the only time he has ever really gotten nasty with me. It was both of us because I should of left him alone but he should of sat down and had a conversation with me not done the things he did the way he did.

I am with her friend the way he is doing and what he is on he shouldn’t be there like I been telling her. I bet her friend don’t know how much he is really doing either or I bet he would really be on her ass way more than he is now. He is like me help someone but don’t be stupid. She is being stupid right now. I am going to talk to her tonight we are all going out. I am going to tell her look we got to talk you got to stop and think about what you are doing. Try make her see this is not a good situation

{April 3, 2019}   Starting To See

So Bff is starting to see everything I said about Sleeping Beauty is true. He has been working “late” almost every night the last few weeks. Last night he told her at 10 something at night he was still working knowing she was waiting to pick him up. She told me when I got off he just told her he was still working. I told her then I bet you he isn’t. She waited until 12 something and messaged him again if he was off or what, to see about picking him up and he never responded. Not surprised at all. He probably passed out or just ignoring her thought it was funny.

We were talking about it last night and today. She said he has had an attitude lately and just being nasty or rude. I don’t know what you would say. Telling her what is wrong with her and how she does. Just like he would tell me and then tell her she is pushing everyone away when she said something about what his problem was and why was he pushing everyone away. Told her he wasn’t she was and the way she was or what she was doing.

She told me the other night that she woke him up and asked if so and so was his brother and he said yes. She told him he was in jail she seen where he got arrested. Then in a few days he told her that he gave his mom $200 to get his brother out of jail. I don’t know maybe he did but I find it hard to believe the way he talks about him and don’t want anything to do with him and his mom has money and works. I don’t see her asking him for $200 to get him out of jail. But okay maybe.

I told her he probably told her that so she wouldn’t ask him for money. That gave him and excuse for not having any since she knew he had gotten arrested. Like I told her he walked out owing me money, walked out owing his old roommate money and now will probably do it to her or making excuses to not give her money. She told him yesterday she wanted to talk to him then he didn’t come home. I said I bet it is a matter of time he is going to run down the street where he was supposed to move or have his mommy bring him run in pack his crap and go back up there. Because he don’t want to talk and now she is starting to question things or say things. I said he probably goes home just like when he left my house and told his mommy and them he gave me all his money and now I am throwing him out or fighting with him he needs to leave he has no money to give her. I said if she comes gets him from your house he will tell her he gave you all his money to stay there so he don’t have money to give her.

She said that she don’t know if he could go down the street or not because they started storing things in it because he hadn’t come down there. He said he hadn’t gone down there but once or twice because they hadn’t gotten everything out but it was enough he could stay in it. So who knows.

I said I wish I knew if and when he was leaving and if he was having him mommy come get him or bring him over there to get his stuff. She won’t come in she will wait in the car. Just like if you take him somewhere you don’t get out of the car you wait he goes in talks gets the paperwork or whatever and comes out. I said if that was the case she was coming or brought him and we knew it I would come there be sitting there when she came or they came up. When he came in to get his stuff me and you would go out and have a conversation with her.

I said we would go out and introduce ourselves. I said I would tell her look we just want you to know what is really going on and why he left my house and now why he is leaving here and the place where he was before my house and why he lost his job at the shop where we all worked. I am sure he is telling you like I have heard he has told all over town that I through him out, that I took all his money and all that. That is the forthest thing from the truth. I did nothing but try to help him, when he came to stay with me he wasn’t on his meds he was ready to go to the hospital he was so bad. He never was told he could even come to my house and stay. I told him if he wanted to he had to give me notice he just came over and never left. I let him stay and tried to help him. He did the same thing here he came here saying he was staying down the street then had an excuse why he couldn’t started staying didn’t leave. She let him stay trying to help him out but this is where they are now. This is why because his problem he has he thinks isn’t a problem. But it is he is using more and more and getting nasty and rude and walks around thinking everyone should just do or sit quitly and not speak just do for him. That isnt’ how it works. He says he wants to change he wants away from this he wants to hangout with people that are going to help keep him out of trouble, he wants the kids and the family, this and that. We have been here the last year and a half two years and he just goes in circles. Up and down up and down. We don’t hear from him for days, weeks, months then I get a text out of the blue saying he is done he is over life he wants to die he is going to do something to his self or whatever. I talk to him and there for him and then the next thing you know he is back into the shit you don’t hear from him again. So why he is telling you poor him everyone is picking on him or treating him this way or that a lot probably are but that isn’t the case here. We both have taken him bought him food gave him a place to stay helped him get to work and everything else. This is what he does. When you try to talk to him about it or what he shuts down and runs.

Then go from there. I don’t figure she is going to be so surprised and not really a lot she can do but she will at least know the truth of what is going on and what has happen the last few weeks since he left there and when he was at my house. Maybe just maybe she will talk to him and try to get him to get some help.

Like I told bff this morning he is on a slippery slop he keeps cycling like this and slides more and more into it each time. It isn’t going to be to long he is going to just keep sliding and not be able to turn around get out of it and he isn’t going to be functioning he is going to be full blown addict. She said something about it not being a problem. I said no it isn’t a problem for him in his eyes but it is because even though he is functioning he isn’t fully functioning. He has nothing to show for it, he don’t have money he don’t have anything. He is half functioning or partly functioning.

She says she knows he did work the other night late and how he came home smelling like he been working and things. Like I told her I am not saying he isn’t working late some nights but he isn’t working late every night and if he was working late why didn’t he say so last night the second time she messaged him instead of ignoring her. His phone isn’t dead because he got a hold of her this after noon. Wanting a ride and to know if he could get in at the house and things.

I told her even if he is working late some nights he is still doing more of it than he has been and he can do it and still work. She said he comes home goes to bed goes to sleep then gets up and in no time going to take a nap always tired. He jumped on her about the baby and that the baby needs to go home and things.

He needs to just get out of there and go down the street or back to his moms. He is going to cause her a lot of problems for nothing because it isn’t like he is going to stick around and help her and do the things he says. I want to say something to him but I’m not right now. She told him today he told her he hates his life or something about his life. She said as mad as you are at me or what you do have people that care and you need to stop. He told her he wasn’t mad at her that was about it. I don’t know, I told her we should just sit him down and talk to him tonight like we had planed to do before. Tonight is our night out so kids and things won’t be around. that is if he goes. I will be off early tonight I will be able to go tonight. I told her he will probably get up and walk away if she starts trying to talk to him. He probably will if we try tonight and will probably call someone to pick him up. Oh well he needs to stop. He needs to either decide this is it he wants help or he needs to just go way and leave everyone alone. Because everyone is over being treated like we are stupid and just there to do what he needs when he needs it. He needs to see that some people are truely not trying to use him or treat him like he says everyone does and that we do care and want to help but we can’t keep doing this with him and going in this circle. We care and we are here if he wants the help or needs the help but we can’t keep going down this rabbit hole with them and putting ourselves through it and the worrying.

Bff is having a really hard time with all this with Sleeping Beauty because of her brother and what happen with him. It is bringing up a lot of old things from the past for her that she probably hasn’t dealt with and feeling guilty about. Because of the way her brother was when he would be messed up and as bad as he was into everything she had not talk to him for a year and a half when he passed. She keeps saying something about if we say something how he is going to respond and things. Him withdrawing and not talking to us or coming around. I said to her today you don’t want to say something because you are scared what if he don’t come around and then something happens to him like your brother and she said yeah I know.

Like I told her I am not going to just turn my back on him, I am not trying to run him off or anything like that. But he needs to know that we know what is going on that we are worried about him and that we just want whats best for him and don’t want to see anything happen to him. I told her I don’t mind if he still goes with us on Wednesdays or other times if we go out get together or what. I just really have a problem with him being around the kids. We are adults, we know what is going on. You can’t turn your back on someone if you are trying to help them or want them to do better but you have to be smart about it and set boundaries. Like she has said all a long I am that one person that isn’t wrapped up in all that kind of thing that has been there for him and not judged him and just sat with him, helped him, picked him up got him out of all the bs and just let him hangout, listen to him and things.

I called my friend J last night why me and bff were on the phone. She was on her way out to eat, I told her I needed her opinion on and advice on something if she had a minute and that I had bff on the phone too I was going to bring her on with me. She said okay. I merged the calls and told her she as on there too now.

I said okay J we have person 1 we are all out together and her is on his phone on his phone his buddy shows up he runs outside to meet buddy for a bit. J says drug deal in parking lot.

We are out again person 1 is with us on phone on phone with buddy. Buddy comes sits with us this time in a while buddy goes to bathroom in second person 1 gets up runs to bathroom too. Before I could finish she says deal in the bathroom. I said they come back person one sniffing away wiping nose things. She said drugs.

I said person on all a sudden starts having panic attacks don’t know why or what is even going on. Person one loses a lot of weight and explaining it away before you see them. Person one don’t want anyone talking to anyone about anything to do with them or their name coming up.

My friend J is like it is drugs you are not stupid you know this you don’t have to ask me, you already know what is going on where did you meet this person why are you around this person? I said okay now I will tell you who it is because we have talked about this person before. I told her it was sleeping Beauty. Because we have talked about him before and what he is doing and going on. I told her about him when everything happen at my house he left there. Later I talked to her about him when we were hanging out and I had feelings for him. She was like that is bad and everything and that I better know what I was getting into and things like that. I said I knew that is why I never said anything or acted on them and that I wanted to make sure he was doing better and that he wasn’t looking to be with anyone at the time and things.

We were talking about how to bring this up and what to say. She said you better know what to expect and things like that. I said I know i think she was thinking he might get violent or what. I said I don’t think he will I think he will deny it swear it isn’t true and whoever we heard it from is lying making it up mad at him or what. I said or I think he is going to shut down not want to talk not say anything. If he gets mad he will just leave or want to be taken home.

I said bff don’t want to believe it because he is working he does do things with the kids he does this that and the other. Because we were talking about hitting rock bottom and things. She said until he does he is going to probably fight help or having a problem because he is doing okay. She said he is a functioning addict. I said that is the same thing I said I said and he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet right? Because bff was trying to figure out what we were saying and things. She said no but he will if he keeps on. I said I know that is what we don’t want to see happen. I said so how do we go about talking to him trying? She said everyone is different he is most likely going to resist. She said you need to figure out what his trigger is, why he is doing it, work on that. We talked a bit more she had to go she was at the place they were going to. Her son and hubby were with her they were listening and they were saying the same thing you know and agreeing with it and talking about it too.

They hung up and bff was like wow my head is just….everything everyone is saying now i am looking at everything. We were talking about how to go about talking to him about it all. All of a sudden it was like this voice from no where said the kids. Use the kids to approach him with it all.

I told her lets do dinner a little early maybe at 4 instead of 5 or 6. Then just say lets go here or there or lets go for a ride, the three of us go somewhere and talk. I don’t think her house is a good idea but I don’t think out at a restaurant or something is either. I told her maybe the park sit at one of the tables or go out to the beach walk the beach or sit and talk by the water at the river or something. Just where there isn’t a lot of people around. We can sit not be bothered with distractions.

I told her we just start by saying look we want to talk to you about something. You may not want to talk and don’t have to but we want to say what we have to say and be heard. Then just tell him he are not trying to judge you, we are not mad, but we know what you are doing, we know you have been off and on all along. We are worried about you we care about you and we don’t want to see anything happen to you. But we are also worried about the all the kids involved getting hurt and having this around them. We want you there doing things with them as much as they want and need you there. But you can’t keep doing what you are doing and coming around them. We are here for you and will help you anyway we can and will let us. And go from there and see what happens.

He has said over and over that he misses the family and the kids and it kills him that he don’t get to see his kids and things. All the kids like him and having him around he asked me when we were out the other night when he was supposed to be coming over to help Oldest clip the birds wings. He is all over bff’s daughters boyfriend he don’t like him he is just waiting for some one to say something so he can run him off. He is talking about fixing the deck with her little boy and getting the 4 wheeler going and all of us going camping and things. It is great because her kids don’t have that guy in their life like mine. Even when there dad is there he does nothing with them, they told us the other day we were all horse playing and things. Her one daughter said daddy would have had a fit we made noise and sent us to our room he would’t of helped us with our tents. He is worse than Father of the year in some ways because at least Father of the year would do things with the kids hers won’t he just sits on the couch barks orders and everyone better shut up and not say a word. But anyway.

Just tell Sleeping Beauty all this and come at it from a what is best for the kids, we have to look out for our kids and protect our kids. Yes maybe you aren’t doing it why you are with them around them or what, but what if something happens to you, your on a slippery slop what happens when you get worse hit rock bottom and your on your way down? What happens when you decide to just disappear again? It isn’t fair to them. They all love you and having you around you do them. You need to do this for you and them. I will say to him what would you say if you knew someone else was doing what you are doing and we had them in the picture letting them get so close to our kids? Or that was one of us doing it and our kids involved? You are not different. Why is it okay for you but not the rest?

I was talking to bff this morning and she said that she is supposed to meet the kid that was staying with her and his girlfriend their baby out tonight. Her son asked if Sleeping Beauty could come because he has to fix her headlight. She said the kids girlfriend called and asked her if Sleeping Beauty was clean? Said because if he isn’t they can’t have him around. She said she just told her she thinks so but she been hearing things she didn’t know really. She said well they would know when they seen him and talk to him. Because they don’t want that around. She keeps saying if he talks to him he will tell her. I said girl how many of us have told you I even looked it up on line and told you. She said i know. You just don’t want to believe it. I said I know but you have to.

J said just get away and leave it alone. I said but J we can’t just walk away and leave it alone. I said it is like this I said what if it was me and you and I had that problem? Or you slipped I couldn’t just walk away. I said just like you wouldn’t you be down here kicking my ass. She said yeah I know. I said all feelings everything a side I said it isn’t about anything like that I not interested in that anymore it is just a friend thing that if you are a friend you say something and try to do something. She said yeah I know. She even said he may never get away from it staying around here. I said I wonder what his mom thinks or what and how we thought about talking to her. She said it sounds like mom keeps him under control but she can’t always or forever. She said unless she has a problem as well she don’t like it knows something is wrong and don’t like it either and wants him to get help and off it all. I said yeah what I know but I know nothing about his mom i have never talked to her or seen her other than she was in the car in the driveway and at the store. But I know bother him and his brother is this way and from the way he talks his brother is worse than him. He dont’ want to be around his brother and he says that is who he was with when he got shot. he has always told me from the time we started talking he didn’t want to be around his brother. His brother was going to give him a job let him stay with him he didn’t want to do it.

But I think approaching it as we are worried about you, we care, we are here and the kids is what is going to get through if anything at all will. The kids most of all.

I better get off here and get work done I can’t believe it is Friday already. I start my new job Monday Yay.


et cetera
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