Admit Defeat and That I Failed

I have decided after much consideration to go ahead and drop all my classes but one this term. Well I will not really be dropping them I am just going to stop going at this point so that I can focus on work, the kids, the house and everything else that needs to be done. I am not passing the class that I am going going to try to keep going to. I hope to talk to the teacher and get caught up and pass it. I need this one class to finish my certificate for Community Health worker. I really want that one to go with the one that I already have in hopes to get a better job.

I feel defeated and as if I failed, because I am and I did. I need to finish school so that I can get a better job in the future. I need this so that me and the kids can do better in the future and not struggle to get by. But at this point I am trying to work two jobs, do school, my internship, keep up with the house, all the day to day crap, bills, paperwork for doctors, ssi, schools, the kids and all their school stuff and everything else. I just can’t do it, I have dropped the ball on so much and just put so much off and now it is starting to effect everything not just one area or this or that. Before the house was getting neglected it was cleaned but not kept up like it should be, then it was my school work so that I could take care of everything, it just goes in a circle or cycle and it is just to the point that everything is getting effected by it because I am just over chasing everything in a circle not even keeping up just almost getting by and never getting ahead. I need to take on a third job right now in order to think about getting caught up and maybe ahead a little bit. I can’t do that with all that I have going on.

If I was to get rid of school all but the one on line class that I am doing on line then that would get rid of the internship that I have to do that I am working around, the class I have to go to the school for and all the school work and test and everything that I have to worry about for them. I could find one full time office job where I would have pretty set hours Monday-Friday. I would make more money and I would be able to get rid of the job I just got and just do my full time job and the work I do at the shop. I really do not want to give up the shop because that gives me anywhere from an extra $200 to $400 a month depending on how many days I decide to put in and sometimes more if the boss is out of town and wants me to come in for a full day or two. I can really do everything that needs done in one day but most times I do it in two to get the extra pay and work it around other things. Now he is there or someone is there most Saturdays so I could even go in for an hour or two on a Saturday if I didn’t have time during the week to do it. I may even pass it over to my oldest and let her start doing it if I decide not to do it anymore. I think he would let her do it and she is looking for a job that she can work around mine and make some money at. He knows she is responsible and will do the job. I can trust all the guys up there with no problem so I could drop her off or she could get picked up or get a ride up there if I can’t take her I don’t have to be there and I don’t have to worry about her being there alone. There is only 5 guys there the boss my best friends husband, Starfish who stayed with us so I trust him, the guy that lives with the boss who is like the bosses kids he is young and trying to get on his feet, then two new guys but the boss knows them well and has been friends with them for a long time, he trust them around his kids and things. I know that the first three would keep an eye on her and make sure she was okay as well. It’s like a family, we all watch out for each other. I also know that her dad could not and would not come there and try to pull anything because he knows the boss would not let it happen and would put a stop to it before he even got to her to start. I worry that if she starts working he finds out he will go in and bother her and start with her. She don’t want nothing to do with him and he would try to force the issue with her. I don’t want that. I know even if the boss wasn’t there Starfish and the other guys would not let that happen at all either. The boss is good friends with the sheriff that are over that area so if he had to he could call him and he would talk to my daughter and do what she wanted done or put a stop to him messing with her if he tried.

I just hate not doing school over all because if I stop going then if or when I go back there are a bunch of extra classes I will have to take to finish my degree instead of just the ones I have now. They added new since it is a new program but we are grandfathered in. Plus I just don’t quit it is not in my vocabulary to quit, I am one that will try until it kills me or I do it once I start something and decide it is what I want and what I am going to do. But at this point I just feel that I do not have the support and I am not in the position to keep going and that I have no other choice but to quit and work to keep me and the kids from ending up homeless, to get ahead and really be able to move some time in the near future, be able to get a better truck or do all the repairs that this one needs and to just not fall into a depression or just get to the point that I stop doing anything and everything and just not care at all and lose everything. I am already fighting not falling into a depression again, when I do it just flip to being so mad I can’t stand it and upset/depressed anyway. I have thought about doing things lately that I have never thought about doing and never thought I would and never cared to consider because of how tight money and things are right now and because of the way I feel about things. It is to a point that it is like oh well try whatever it takes to get ahead and not worry about things. I fight all the time to not drink because I am wanting to drink  more and more everyday that goes by. I just want to drink and not think about any of it. Of course, I know that isn’t going to make anything better or make any of it go away or fix anything. But hey if I just didn’t care for a little bit would be better than nothing right. I know that isn’t the answer. I did drink last night, not a lot just a little bit. I had some shots of Rum and a couple shots of Tequila and a couple mixed drinks after I got home from work. I sat on the carport drink and talked to a friend on the phone for a few hours. It didn’t make me feel any better and it all tasted nasty really and I hardly even got a buzz and about the time I started to feel a little buzz it was gone as fast as it came so I didn’t even really feel anything from it.

I just hate that I have to do this and know that everyone is going to have something to say and it is just going to be more for them to hold against me or talk about or whatever. I can hear it now how they went to school did this and that I could’t even finish and on and one with them. But at this point I have to do what is best for me and the kids and even though it is not going to be best for me and them in the long run probably I have to get us out of this situation we are in now or we will never get anywhere. We are like a car that is stuck just spinning tires and going no where.

I guess I am going to get off here I am going to take the kids to dinner for little one’s birthday since I have to work the day off. I think I might take them over to work and let them do one of the rooms for fun. Not sure yet since I am not going to be in there with them and just watch them. I am not sure how the little one will do. I think the older three would have fun with it. I have to look and see who is working.

My Internship

Monday night I see any email from the lady about my internship saying they were going to have a thing on Tuesday at 9. That was great because I have class that day 8 to 9:15 but I didn’t want to be put off for another week or two so I told her I would leave early and come but I might be 10 minutes late or so. I went to class Tuesday to tell them I needed to leave early, I knew it wouldn’t be a big deal this professor is really easy going and understanding. One of the other girls had to miss the day for her job that day he didn’t have a problem with it. I wasn’t worried about missing anything because it is a pretty easy class. I got there and there was someone different there. He said he was our guest speaker for the day. I told him I needed to leave, what time and how come. He didn’t have a problem with it at all.

The class is group counseling skills, we go over the chapter and then have a “group” most days. But on normal days we sit at our tables and just go around the room and we talk about our papers that are coming up or just whatever is going on in other classes. The last class before this one we spend the class talking about the school shootings that happen not that far away from us.

Tuesday our guest speaker or whatever decided to have a real group and had us all come sit in a circle in the front of the class. He had us all go around the room and introduce ourselves, tell how many kids we had and how old they are. From there we just kind of picked up on different things others said about ages or things like that. One girl said is it okay to not like your kid sometimes? She said because I love my kid but sometimes I do not like him? We all laughed and told her of course. I said I tell mine I have had enough right now you need to get up and go to your room out of my face. I said I try to be nice but it hits a point that enough is enough and you just need to go to your room for the night give everyone a break from each other.

One of the other ladies said she had a problem with her kids dad over the weekend and the day before. She said I received child support for 3 years consistent and then he stopped paying. It just came out without thinking and before I even knew. I said 3 years your doing good!! The girl beside me said right, she doing real good. She was talking about having to go to child support court and her ex calling begging her to not go so he didn’t get in trouble and so he stay out of jail and not lose his license and things. She told him no he screwed up and things. Before it was over with me and her were both crying. I don’t know why I was just in a mood already. I am sitting here stressing because in two weeks I need all this money for bills. I need money to take my oldest on her birthday weekend and everything. She is talking and I am thinking how I can’t get any help to take this one to court, how he owes over $6000 right now what I could be doing with that and that all my bills would be paid and I could take her on her weekend trip with no worries. Have money in the bank and could get my truck fixed so it be safer for us to ride in. The teacher asked if I had something to share I then said you don’t have to if you don’t want to or aren’t ready. I didn’t I couldn’t even talk at the time. I settled down and was going to say something but then I thought about what time it was and when I looked it was time I should of been at the place for my internship so I had to get up and leave. I really wish i could of stayed it sounds like they really covered a lot from the conversation they had on Thursday.

I get there finally to fill out my papers for the internship and the lady takes me back. She says all we really have to do is fill out these papers. I could of just told her i couldn’t be there until 930 and it would not have been a problem. She handed me this one marked two training things to od on line and said this one had to be done that day the other I may as well do at the same time it only took 15 more minutes. Then she looks at me hands me this paper says this is for the drug test it has to be done today did you set it up to do it? No I didn’t I knew nothing about it until just now. I left there went to the office and did the training and drank some stuff so I would have to go when I got there. After I finished the training I went did the drug test and all that. She said I could start Friday she would have the lady in the area I was going to be working with call me.

I never hard from her so I called her on Wednesday, she called me late that afternoon left a message said she was going to be out of town next week Monday-Wednesday. That really sucked because I wanted to do my hours yesterday and all next wee and be done with my 50 hours so I could try to go get that job that I applied for that decided they wanted someone in the day time. I seen they still had it listed.

I called her back yesterday and she said that I could get my 50 hours in all at in a week or so and told me all about what I would be doing. But she can’t meet with me until Next Thursday and then will set me up to shadow with others there. So now it will be another two weeks before I can get them done. I told her I am trying to go to work that I need to be open days why I wanted to get my hours in as fast as I could but that if I had open days I wanted to still come in and work some other hours as well. She said that would be great.

I am working with an agency that works with parents to keep their kids out of foster care and out of court. She said that CPS only takes about 10% of kids out of the home and that they get the other 90%. They help them get with other services in the area to help with different things they may need help with or classes that CPS our what might feel they need. I think it will be interesting and a lot to learn so I would like to do more than my 50 hours. I feel 50 hours isn’t a lot when trying to get hands on experience like this.

I guess we will find out next week what it is going to be like.

Winter Break

I am so glad that school is done for the next month or so. I was supposed to walk Thursday to get my certificates but didn’t. I didn’t want to spend the money on the cap and gown and I screwed up didn’t pass one of the classes for the other so I didn’t get it after spending money on signing up to get it. I wasn’t wasting more money. They will send the one I got in the mail.

I am so done and over school at this point. I want to finish but it is just to much with trying to work and be here for the kids and what they need. I think I have found something that I can’t do. I can but it is a mess and I am beyond stressed trying to do it all and it don’t turn out very well at all. I messed up three classes I took this time. I can’t keep being stressed like I have been over it all. This is why I had worked it out so that I didn’t have to work and could finish faster. I have now put myself trying to work and go to school. I am going to run out of money if I keep screwing up and having to retake classes. If I haven’t already.

The degree I want to get I can get for domestic violence, community health worker, or aging to work with elderly people. You can get just the certificates for each one instead of getting the degree or the degree in one and the certificates for the others or whatever. I have the one for domestic violence, that is the one coming in the mail. I need one class to have the one for community health worker, I am going to take it next term so I will have both of those. I took one of the classes needed for the aging one a few terms ago and decided I didn’t like it and didn’t want to take the rest. But now I am thinking I will take the other two classes for that and go ahead and get the certificate in the aging as well. So at the end of next term I will have all three certificates under the degree I want. I should be able to find some kind of half way decent job between the three. But I do not think I am going to finish my degree just pray I can get through these classes and pass them to get this and be done with it. It sucks because if I decide to go back later and do it I have to take a bunch of extra classes but I just can’t keep doing it right now.

I also can’t move in a few months like I want to if I finish because I need classes at the college and then I would have to stay here to be able to take them and I don’t want to stay here. I really need to get out of here and get somewhere that I can make it and not be fighting to get by all the time.

When To Move

I have been thinking about moving a lot lately. Really if I could I would pack my stuff and go now and be done with it. I am so done and ready to be out of here. I told my friend the other day if she had a place I would pack me and the kids up and be at her house in a day or two. She said they are looking for a place and should have one soon that we are more than welcome to come. I would love to go the first of the year like March. My lease is up in March and I will have to sign a new one, if I don’t my rent will go up to $1000 or close to it. I don’t want to pay all that money out even for just a few months. It’s to much and will take a chunk of money I need to move on.

But if I take the classes that need to be taken at the school instead of on line then I will be stuck here until May. I am to the point that I don’t even really want to or care if I finish school or not. If it comes to having to stay here longer or moving I will pick moving any day even if I don’t get to finish at all. I will just have to figure out how to take them on line and make it work I guess if I do want to finish. Right now I am signed up for two classes that would make me stuck here but the more I work things out the more it looks like I am going to drop them two classes and do others.

Right now even if I drop them two classes and don’t take any others for now I have two certificates in May. I should have, had two at the end of this one but I messed up and dropped the wrong class. Even though I will not have my degree like I wanted by the summer, I will have all three certificates under the degree that I am working on. You can get it for Domestic Violence, aging affairs or community Health worker. Right now I have the one for Domestic Violence I will get it in the mail this month. Then I will have the other two by Summer, I can get them rather I move or not because I am taking all the classes on line. If I move in the middle I can still do them and just take my exams through a testing site so I don’t have to go to the school. Worse case I think it is about a day drive, I could always drive down take them and drive back. But that is worse case, I really don’t think I will have to do that.

I have been talking to my friend and I am really thinking that I am going to go up by where she is. At least there I will have help and things. She says that I can get a place the size of mine for what I am paying or hundreds less in nice areas. I can always go there get a place for 6 months to a year and see how I like it. If I don’t then I can branch out and find something a county or city over somewhere.

Don’t Care, Can’t Care, Not Sure

I don’t know if I just don’t care or I’m just not feeling like caring if that makes since. I have a ton of school stuff to get done, some to get caught up on and pray they take it since it is late, I need to look for another job, clean the house and I don’t care. I just feel very relaxed and that is very odd feeling to me because I know I shouldn’t and that I don’t feel this way hardly ever.

I keep telling myself that I need to get my school stuff done I have said for two days I was going to work on it. But I haven’t looked at it. I know it isn’t easy things are getting harder and I still just keep putting it off. I feel like I have all the time in the world to do it and I know I don’t. I pulled my computer out to work on it and ended up here.

Me and my friend started picking up the boys room and getting it ready for their bed. We went through toys and got rid of things and cleaned it. We just need to hang things up and mop the floors. I need to go do it and I haven’t. I took the old couch and things out put my other one back in. We pulled the covers off to wash them and I haven’t washed them or done anything else in there yet. I want the kids bed up and I want the cleaning machine to clean the couch because parts of it can’t be put in the washer. I have to wait until my friend can help me get the bed it is at her house and we didn’t have the right tools when we went to get it. I have to wait for her for the cleaner too because it is hers. The one that is here I don’t know what happen but half of it is gone. I don’t know where to even start on the rest. I just have this drive to get those two things done and then the rest will work out and fall into place. I get stuck on things and need to get them taken care of before I can move to other things. I don’t know what it is. I feel like I am not done and it is just making more mess around mess.

I have applied for job after job called about job after job and not hearing anything back yet. I know I need a job but I am over looking for one and getting these shit jobs. School is going to get much more complicated come next term and I am going to be even more limited to what hours and days I can work. I feel like I can’t catch a break and win.

I have thought and thought about renting my back room out and as much as I hate to I think I need to. If I rent it out and charged $500 a month it would cover the extra on the rent I need each month, pay the lights, water, internet, and my phone. That would leave me with my car insurance and house hold cleaners, gas and things like that we need. That would be really nice because even though it isn’t a lot I could probably make it work with what I make at the shop. If not then I could work just a couple days week somewhere and make enough. If I had someone here at night I could even work a few hours a night and be okay. I can’t leave the kids here alone at night. The other night I went a mile up the road to the store to grocery shop and my oldest called said someone was messing around my bedroom window where her and Little Bitty were trying to sleep. I got home and someone had taken my screen out of my back window on the other side of the house going into the back room I am going to try to rent out. My friend thinks I should rent it to Sleeping Beauty still. She thinks he would be good with the kids and that I wouldn’t have to worry about him messing with them or him being bothered by them since he has kids and likes kids. I truly do think he is probably fine and my best option. I am just funny about renting it to anyone. It would probably help with whoever is messing around here as well because at least they may knock it off if he was here and if not maybe we could catch whoever it is. I haven’t said anything to him about it but he knows I am thinking about renting it out and asked me the other night how much for. I told him I thought $500 seemed to be about the going rate and thought it was fair since it was a larger room had it’s own entrance and things. He never said anything else about it. I ask him what he thought of the price he never said anything. But he hasn’t really said anything at all the last few days so I don’t know. He is funny, very quite kind of shy maybe. Sometimes he will talk all the time others times he hardly says anything at all. I hear he is dating someone as well, so maybe he is with them and can’t talk a lot. I am going to decide and then get it cleaned out if that is what I am going to do and then ask him. I will just ask him one day at work when I see him. Hey you asked about that room if I was going to rent it out and things I decided to and decided x,y and z are you interested before I rent it to someone else or list it. Because before he asked me when he messaged and ask if everything was alright and we first started talking again I told him yes everything was alright and ask how he was and he said a lot had been going on and he wasn’t going to be able to keep staying where he was it was getting bad. I had listed the room and asking if anyone was interested a few days before. Then the other night he asked about the price and things. I know he is paying $400 right now and it includes food. But I also know that there is not food or hardly any food most the time, that everything is about to be turned off all the time and he is paying more than the $400 because they don’t have it to keep it on so he pays it. I would be willing to include food but I am not going to make no promises or anything to be here every night to cook dinner or anything like that. There will be food in there he can cook himself something or make a sandwich. If I am here and cook for the rest of us like I do most nights then he is welcome to eat with us because I have more than enough most nights anyway. But we eat between 6 and 7 if I am home and sometimes we eat as late as 8. The kids should not be a problem because we are getting back on a better time and things as well because before my mom was here we were in bed between 8 and 9 most nights. They have school I have work we need sleep. Once in a while I stay up and watch tv or they do but it isn’t that loud. I just don’t want to get someone in here that is going to drag a bunch of people in and out of my house either. I think I worry more about who they will bring around more than the person I rent it to. I don’t want get someone in there that has 100 people here all the time or people in and out all hours of the day and night or what.

I guess I should get off here and make the kids get cleaned up and go to bed. Then I need to work on my school stuff. We found our fall stuff and all that and I went to put it out and they had my house trashed. They are supposed to be cleaning their messes up.

I just don’t know about the way I am feeling it is so hard to explain.

School Is A Disaster

I told you all messed up in one of my classes and missed two big test, I have been trying since to take them for half credit and go with some points are better than none and can’t get the teacher to respond. I am going to have to go to the provost office or something if I do not hear from him this week. I gave him days and times asked what days or times would be best and everything. I think as long as I get some points I can pass the class if I work my butt off doing everything else.

Well some how two weeks ago I missed work in another class and now this week had a mess with the same class. I am so stressed and my depression is kicking my ass. I was confused about what was going on and so busy by the time I sat down the day it was do to do the work it was stuff that needed to be worked on all week. It is different than or normal work we have had this far. I am going to sit down this week and try to get it all done and hope that she will take it and give me some credit for it if not full credit.

I have not done my 50 hours yet and have to get them done by the 25th of the month. I was going to go there Friday and called the lady I needed to talk to was out for the day. I left her a messaged asked her to call me back, so I am waiting for that. I am going to tell her the truth and hope that she will work with me to get this all done.

I feel that I am not keeping up with anything or getting anything done. I walk around so tired I can’t stand it all day everyday and wish I could stay in bed most days. I am to the point I care but don’t care at the same time. I am going through the motions but if it’s right it is if it isn’t it isn’t and if i miss something it stresses me out but I just feel more at a loss, tired and hopeless at this point. I really need to go get new meds but really don’t feel like doing anything at all. The days I have taken off I should have been doing stuff but I didn’t because I just can’t force myself to get things done anymore. I know I need to do it I tell myself I do and it stresses me to no end but I still just feel like oh well I will get to it and I use to get to it but now it seems that I can’t even keep track of when I am supposed to get to things or what day it is so I miss most things now. I have to get over this.

I feel so very alone right now I don’t know why, it felt good when I was talking to the guy from the shop and things but then that stopped and its not helped any, really probably made things worse. I guess I am just tired of feeling like I am doing this alone and being alone.

Job Search Has Begun

I am truly at a lost on what to do for work, I hate the through of going back to this job in the morning, I still haven’t been paid and I am not trained good enough to be on the phones. I am now on the phones as of Thursday after noon. I took about three calls, “lost” two of those answered one’s question wrong and went home before I got anymore. I have not as of right now been paid and we are getting checks again this week. I only worked 6 out of 10 days the last two weeks. I know that is bad but it’s really hard to go in when your not getting paid and they don’t care, they just say you will get your money eventually. I told them they didn’t want me coming to work eventually and that my kids school and bills didn’t want to get paid eventually they wanted paid now, just as I wanted paid on pay day like I am supposed to get it. Then he had the nerve to stand there and try to turn it around on me and tell me if I had clocked in and out the right way like I was supposed to. I said no wait I could not even log into desk top on my computer much less into where we are supposed to clock in and out and I asked every day if my time was being put in and made sure that they remembered that I could not do it. He started trying to cut me off and not let me finish but I did. He said well it isn’t us, it’s the higher ups and all we can do is let them know and that’s about all. I said I am looking for another job where I will be paid not where I am told I will get my money eventually and as soon as I get one I will be gone. Now don’t do that and give us a chance we will have an answer for you by the end of the day. Well the end of the day came and went, another Friday came and went and the weekend and I still have no pay. I really need the money and should not be missing work but at the same time if I am not getting paid for it then what is the point in going in? I reapplied at the store here by my house that was going to hire me before I went over here. I fixed my application like they wanted and called them Friday to talk to the hiring person but they said she is on vacation until Monday. I am going to call her on my way to work if I go and ask her when I can come in for an interview. I am going to tell her that I will come in anytime even right now if she would like that I have x amount of customer service experience, x amount of retail and the hours I can work, that i have management experience and everything. I will tell her I can come over and start right now if she would like or as soon as she would like. Pray that I get it because I am not thrilled about my other option that I can think of that I can make money and work around doing my hours for school.

I told my friend the other day I am ready to go over to the beach and start stripping if I have to. I don’t know if I can do it or not, I have never even been in one of them places but at this point I need something that I can work and be flexible with my hours. I just don’t know if I can get up there and do it. Like I told her it isn’t even a moral thing as it is the shit I have had drilled into my head all these years about how I am and how I can’t do anything right, no one is going to want me and all the other lovely stuff that has been said and done to me. I don’t know if I could really do it if I got the job. But at this point I may have to try and get drunk enough to do it maybe. Because I don’t know what else to do. I can stop going to school right now with a month to go and give up both my certificates and my degree or I can finish school and stop working. If I stop working that means bills and things don’t get paid. We don’t have lights water or a place to stay or food to eat. I just can’t give up school and not finish and let so many people gloat and find it so great that I didn’t get to finish. I also can’t let us end up homeless again or not have the things we need. I have to figure out a way to make it all work and if doing that is what it takes then I just might have to figure out a way to do it. I think I can figure out a way to do that then find a job that is willing to work around my schooling and the hours I can work at all because of the kids. I have to be here for my kids and make sure they are taken care of as much as I have to make sure they are provided for. I am starting a diet tomorrow in hopes to drop a little chunk that I need to drop before I do it and drop it quick and figure out if there is anything else I can do other than that or how to do it. At least then whatever happens I can’t say happen because I gave up or didn’t try. I will know I gave it my all and done all that I felt I could do and that is what matters. I don’t want my kids see me give up on going to school because it got a little hard. I don’t want them to know the job I may have to do to make it happen right now either but that isn’t a big deal. Like my other jobs I will go to work and come home and as far as they will know I am going to the job I have now. That will be all them or anyone else will need to know. Once they are older and understand better than I will worry about explaining it to them. Right now I just have to do what I have to do.