I have decided after much consideration to go ahead and drop all my classes but one this term. Well I will not really be dropping them I am just going to stop going at this point so that I can focus on work, the kids, the house and everything else that needs to be done. I am not passing the class that I am going going to try to keep going to. I hope to talk to the teacher and get caught up and pass it. I need this one class to finish my certificate for Community Health worker. I really want that one to go with the one that I already have in hopes to get a better job.
I feel defeated and as if I failed, because I am and I did. I need to finish school so that I can get a better job in the future. I need this so that me and the kids can do better in the future and not struggle to get by. But at this point I am trying to work two jobs, do school, my internship, keep up with the house, all the day to day crap, bills, paperwork for doctors, ssi, schools, the kids and all their school stuff and everything else. I just can’t do it, I have dropped the ball on so much and just put so much off and now it is starting to effect everything not just one area or this or that. Before the house was getting neglected it was cleaned but not kept up like it should be, then it was my school work so that I could take care of everything, it just goes in a circle or cycle and it is just to the point that everything is getting effected by it because I am just over chasing everything in a circle not even keeping up just almost getting by and never getting ahead. I need to take on a third job right now in order to think about getting caught up and maybe ahead a little bit. I can’t do that with all that I have going on.
If I was to get rid of school all but the one on line class that I am doing on line then that would get rid of the internship that I have to do that I am working around, the class I have to go to the school for and all the school work and test and everything that I have to worry about for them. I could find one full time office job where I would have pretty set hours Monday-Friday. I would make more money and I would be able to get rid of the job I just got and just do my full time job and the work I do at the shop. I really do not want to give up the shop because that gives me anywhere from an extra $200 to $400 a month depending on how many days I decide to put in and sometimes more if the boss is out of town and wants me to come in for a full day or two. I can really do everything that needs done in one day but most times I do it in two to get the extra pay and work it around other things. Now he is there or someone is there most Saturdays so I could even go in for an hour or two on a Saturday if I didn’t have time during the week to do it. I may even pass it over to my oldest and let her start doing it if I decide not to do it anymore. I think he would let her do it and she is looking for a job that she can work around mine and make some money at. He knows she is responsible and will do the job. I can trust all the guys up there with no problem so I could drop her off or she could get picked up or get a ride up there if I can’t take her I don’t have to be there and I don’t have to worry about her being there alone. There is only 5 guys there the boss my best friends husband, Starfish who stayed with us so I trust him, the guy that lives with the boss who is like the bosses kids he is young and trying to get on his feet, then two new guys but the boss knows them well and has been friends with them for a long time, he trust them around his kids and things. I know that the first three would keep an eye on her and make sure she was okay as well. It’s like a family, we all watch out for each other. I also know that her dad could not and would not come there and try to pull anything because he knows the boss would not let it happen and would put a stop to it before he even got to her to start. I worry that if she starts working he finds out he will go in and bother her and start with her. She don’t want nothing to do with him and he would try to force the issue with her. I don’t want that. I know even if the boss wasn’t there Starfish and the other guys would not let that happen at all either. The boss is good friends with the sheriff that are over that area so if he had to he could call him and he would talk to my daughter and do what she wanted done or put a stop to him messing with her if he tried.
I just hate not doing school over all because if I stop going then if or when I go back there are a bunch of extra classes I will have to take to finish my degree instead of just the ones I have now. They added new since it is a new program but we are grandfathered in. Plus I just don’t quit it is not in my vocabulary to quit, I am one that will try until it kills me or I do it once I start something and decide it is what I want and what I am going to do. But at this point I just feel that I do not have the support and I am not in the position to keep going and that I have no other choice but to quit and work to keep me and the kids from ending up homeless, to get ahead and really be able to move some time in the near future, be able to get a better truck or do all the repairs that this one needs and to just not fall into a depression or just get to the point that I stop doing anything and everything and just not care at all and lose everything. I am already fighting not falling into a depression again, when I do it just flip to being so mad I can’t stand it and upset/depressed anyway. I have thought about doing things lately that I have never thought about doing and never thought I would and never cared to consider because of how tight money and things are right now and because of the way I feel about things. It is to a point that it is like oh well try whatever it takes to get ahead and not worry about things. I fight all the time to not drink because I am wanting to drink more and more everyday that goes by. I just want to drink and not think about any of it. Of course, I know that isn’t going to make anything better or make any of it go away or fix anything. But hey if I just didn’t care for a little bit would be better than nothing right. I know that isn’t the answer. I did drink last night, not a lot just a little bit. I had some shots of Rum and a couple shots of Tequila and a couple mixed drinks after I got home from work. I sat on the carport drink and talked to a friend on the phone for a few hours. It didn’t make me feel any better and it all tasted nasty really and I hardly even got a buzz and about the time I started to feel a little buzz it was gone as fast as it came so I didn’t even really feel anything from it.
I just hate that I have to do this and know that everyone is going to have something to say and it is just going to be more for them to hold against me or talk about or whatever. I can hear it now how they went to school did this and that I could’t even finish and on and one with them. But at this point I have to do what is best for me and the kids and even though it is not going to be best for me and them in the long run probably I have to get us out of this situation we are in now or we will never get anywhere. We are like a car that is stuck just spinning tires and going no where.
I guess I am going to get off here I am going to take the kids to dinner for little one’s birthday since I have to work the day off. I think I might take them over to work and let them do one of the rooms for fun. Not sure yet since I am not going to be in there with them and just watch them. I am not sure how the little one will do. I think the older three would have fun with it. I have to look and see who is working.