I got Mr. 8 off to school and laid back down with Little Bitty who was still sleeping. I talked to Bff for a bit and had about 45 minutes before I had to get up and get ready and leave for work. I tried to go to sleep and woke myself up dreaming and talking in my sleep. I don’t ever know of me talking in my sleep. I have been dreaming a lot this last week. A lot about my dad and him being a live but not being able to get to him or see him. Something is wrong I never “find” him or get to “see” him. I don’t know what that is all about. I don’t even know what I was dreaming about this morning it was like as soon as my eyes closed I was dreaming and fighting or something. Like I said I woke myself up. It had only been minutes, I didn’t even know  you can start dreaming that fast.

I laid there for about 20 more minutes and finally got up. I heard my phone go off but never looked to see what it was or who. I figured it was Bff sending me something. When I decided to get up I looked to see what she had said. It wasn’t her, it was Sleeping Beauty. I seen seen hey I’m sorry, I thought what? Then I read the rest.

It said hey I’m sorry but we are not together or getting together okay? I was really confused because I never said anything the one asked last night and I said no. I never acted like we were or anything like that didn’t think anyone had or was. I said I know this were did this come from? He didn’t answer so I asked again. Where this came from.

Finally he said because the kids were talking to him after I left and thy told him I said it. I asked what kids? Bff’s kids? I said no I never said anything to any of the kids about anything not even the other week. I never anything to any of them. He says I heard different just saying. I told him I didn’t know unless Bff said something to them the other week they thought from that. I told him he heard me tell her right there when she asked no. and asked him who said it. Of-course he came off with he wasn’t getting into it he was at work he just saying.

I just told him that other than her asking when we were both sitting there and him knowing I told her no he was there if something was said after I left I would like to know what by who? Not just shit being said to me about something I know nothing about. I said unless they heard bff tell her ol man that he was coming with me because she didn’t want him getting pissed off at her about you being there. I told him she told me yesterday sh told him that. I told him I would put a stop to that if I had to tell him myself. We went back and forth because he coming off with what did I just say I don’t want to talk about it. I told him he was the one messaged me starting on me about something I knew nothing about. Instead of asking what they were talking about or if I said something? While I had already sat there with you and told her no. While you said nothing sitting there looking at me like you didn’t know what to say. I’m not talking about it no more I told you and her you go still texting.

I said why message me if you don’t want to talk? If there is nothing to talk about or you didn’t want to talk then there was no reason to say something to start with. He says Stop

I was done, I said, I will just got to the one who said something figure it all out set shit straight after work. Have a good day.

He wanted me to stop I was stopping. Then he messaged me back again after that said no your not just leave the kids out of it damn.

I said don’t worry about it, you don’t want to talk I will figure it out. and left it at that. He hasn’t said anything back since then. I told Bff that he will probably message her about it since I said I was going to go talk to the kids. But what he don’t know is that me and Bff have already talked about it. I messaged her right away and told her we needed to talk because I wanted to know what was said by who and why he was coming at me with all this to start with before I messaged him. I figured if something was said that would be a problem she would of said something, it seems he is making more out of something that was said than there is to it.

Like Bff said, did the kids really say something or has this just all been on his mind since we were all together last night? He felt he needed to say something for some reason?

I was already thinking who is he trying to convince here we are not together me or him? Because I’m good but he don’t seem to sure the look he had the other night and the fact he keeps bringing it up? I had said that to her in a messages on line that she hadn’t even read yet.

I also told her when he first said this and started that next Sunday when we all get together I am going to call all the kids in together at one time and make sure he is there too. I am going to say I have something to say, Me and Sleeping Beauty are not together or getting together, we are all just friends. I guess something was said last week about I said something about us being together or getting together I don’t know what was said or why but I haven’t told any of you anything like that so something was taken wrong somewhere along the line. This clears everything up.

She said she was going to tell him that we were going to handle it and do this Sunday, I told her if she does I bet he stops coming around and to just not say anything about it if he messages her or calls. Just to tell let him talk or what. Because I want to see what the kids say Sunday with him sitting there. If they say we never said you two were together or or this was what was really said or just the one says I asked and you said no that was all that was ever said. Because if he is saying the kids said something that they didn’t then I want to know that too. If that is the case then I don’t think he needs to be around if he is going to do stuff like that.

Bff says maybe he just said it wrong or didn’t know how to word it or what. He isn’t much of a talker he don’t like to talk and things. I said I don’t care, don’t come at me saying I was told you said this or this and then not want to talk about it or tell me where it came from what was said or what. It’s like it was said so it is true I’m telling you and your not supposed to have anything to say about it. I don’t get it with him. I told her it’s like he wants someone that he just says what he has to say and that is it your listen and don’t have a response back. That shit don’t fly with me friend or other wise. She says you don’t know how he was done in the past and how he was treated and things. You don’t know what his relationships in the past were like. I don’t care I know everyone comes up with their own coping whatever’s, but you can’t do this kind of thing you are not ever going to get anywhere have more in life.

Like I told her too, I think he still has this very distorted or twisted thought about something I have done or I am doing. It is like all of a sudden he just has this picture or idea about me that is so bad. The comment he made about being out and talking to people and something else he said yesterdays and this.  Just being around him it’s like he really don’t want to be around me but then one minute he is messaging me about his aunt or what then the next its something like this. I don’t know I don’t get it. Like I told Bff, I wish I had just left him alone and never even started talking to him to start with when I looked him up. But I gave him a chance and then I don’t know how or why I fell for him. Then I was okay with just being friends and then he said what he did all of a sudden out of the blue I thought okay try it and now look. I really don’t get it. The comments he made about my working and being with me kids and guys.

Like I told bff so whatever changed his mind is something that I said or done. Before I even drank that night. That day he got in the truck something seemed different then things just snowballed from there. But anyway like I told her okay I screwed up some how some way. Just tell me even if you don’t want to talk about it, fix it have an explanation for it or what. That is fine but tell me so I know what I did wrong. I know not to do that again with someone else or what. I don’t know what bothers me more the feelings I have and the way everything is or the fact that his whole view or thought of me seem to go from good to so bad so fast that I don’t know why. I don’t know for me it is like it has to be pretty bad for him to just say what he did and it bothers me because I don’t know why it bothers me I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I guess because if you say you still want to be friends or we should just be friends then have enough respect for me to at least tell me what the fuck is going on and if it is that bad like you seem to think then why do you still want to be friends? And then dealing with my over all feelings about him on top of it and my feelings in general about life and meeting someone. I am just a mess.

Like I just told bff, I get hit with this this morning that the other day ok you made it clear the other day, I told her no last night, why is he still coming at me with this? I don’t need him to stomp it in. I have and am beating myself up over it all more than anyone could. I don’t need to keep hearing it from him. She knows I like him and wanted to get together and things. But I have never told her how I really felt about him. I had just said to her last night in a messages there was something I had never told her I would tell her when I seen her or talked to her again. Then all this happen I still haven’t told her.

I guess I can’t figure out how we went from I need to get something to drive so he could fix my truck and we need to get my guns out of pawn and he was going to try to fix something he found to get money to do that. To I am basically out whoring around. That is what it really comes down to plain and simple it seems to me with the comment of being home and not talking to lowlifes, what I was doing when I drove that truck and picked up the desk for Mr. Auto and the shower comment after. I don’t get how you go from one extreme to the other in a mater of like 24/48 hours. Then I know the drinking and what happen didn’t help but I really think that didn’t have a lot to do with it. I think this was all things that were said and done before that ever happen. That was just a sliver of it if it was and that if the other had not happen things would of been okay.

I know this is long as fuck and ramble but look what the fuck feelings and guys will do to you. I am ready to shut down go back into my hole and keep to myself. Not talk to anyone not do dinners Sunday nothing no more. Just me and my kids keeping to ourselves. Like they said before I don’t need friends or anything because look what always happens. We or I end up hurt and screwed in the end.

{March 1, 2019}   I Messaged Him

Edited to fix what I said to him. Because for some reason it posted the wrong thing.

When I got off work I decided to go ahead and message him. I didn’t want to while I was at work because I wanted to be able to respond if he did. I didn’t yesterday because I was pulling in work it was swamped and it was all I could do to function much less think and respond to him.

I pretty much just said what I wrote in my other post………You know what why you want to pop off about 20?s i was just asking because I care not trying to start shit. You know what I had been doing the last few days since we got together? Trying to figure out how to get me new vehicles so that I could give you mine and trying to figure out a way for you to start saving money to get your license back. Figure out if i could help you find a different job how I could help you get to it and somewhere you could move to closer so that you weren’t so far away. So I want to thank you and tell you how glad I am you decided you just want to be friends before I spent time making it all happen. Maybe sometimes you should ask questions instead of being so with drawn and popping off about someone wanting to talk or ask questions. I wanted you to ride with me because i wanted to talk to you about all.

I just worded it a little different. I don’t know where he is staying the last few nights or what he is doing. I know if he is home he may not get it until who knows when because of service. If he is staying anywhere else he should of gotten it right away. He said he was going to be staying over here next to me this weekend working for a guy we know. Fixing the house he is moving out of. I don’t know if he still is or if he is there tonight. But he would of gotten it there too.

I don’t really think he will respond to it because there isn’t a lot he can say. Other than not to message him leave him alone or whatever. But it will be something he will think about that will stick with him. Maybe make him think about what he is doing what he is missing out on or what.

Like Bff said what was that comment about his kids? I said yeah I know. I said because he wants it but he is letting everyone get in his ear and in his head and he is self medicating.

I hope this don’t end badly with him what he is doing. I don’t want to see anything happen to him over all this. But if he keeps on I am scared what may happen.

I think I said something about it on here a while back, Mr. Auto at the car lot asked me if I had talked to Sleeping Beauty and when the last time I seen him was. I told him I had talked to him off and but not seen him in a while. He told me the guy he was roommates with that worked at the shop with us he was staying with before he came to stay with me had been talking to him about him. He said he told him he lost a lot of weight and how his face was all sunk in and things. Said something about what he was doing. He told him if that was the case that was his friend why didn’t he talk to him and try to help him. I told him I had not seen him but I didn’t think so he had seemed okay from our conversations. Because he said he wanted to do something to himself once or twice as well. This has come up 3 or 4 times since I started there.

Well when I started talking to him last week and he asked me to take him home somewhere out of the blue him losing a lot of weight came up. He told me he had and I wouldn’t believe it if I seen him. How he had started eating different that he didn’t eat as much as he use to or the way he use to. He never really ate that much and ate your normal stuff. I just said oh really that is good I guess. But I was thinking yep I know what you are doing or been doing. But I didn’t say anything.

When I seen him I was surprised he has lost a lot, he was just telling me the other night how his pants are falling off his shirts are so big and things. Still says he is just not eating and eating better. I knew as soon as I seen him what it is. I am not sure when the last time I seen him was but he didn’t look like that.

I told Bff he is back doing the drugs again and she says I don’t know. He has always been quite and don’t open up with drawn. I said no I said think about it, remember how he lost so much weight back around the time all that shit went down? The guys were saying something about how he lost so much and saying he was on that shit again back then? I said then remember when he left my house went to his moms and was gone a month or two he came back around. When he came back we were talking about how much he had gained and how much better he looked and how much happier he seemed and how good over all he was doing. I said now for a few months we been hearing he is doing this again and how he lost all this weight again and back on it again. I said and now he made it a point to point it out and tell me he had and how he is “eating better” not eating as much and everything. I said because he knows if I just seen him would say something. He wanted to get it out of the way before he seen me. Explain it away so it wouldn’t come up again. I said I am not stupid.

I told her he thinks, oh I don’t hang out with people like that, not around that stuff all the time, don’t know about it, how it works, what it does to you and things like that. So he will just tell me this and I won’t be any the smarter or ask any questions. I said no I don’t do all that but that don’t mean I am stupid, that I don’t know what it does to you, that I don’t know the what is going on. I said but I do know but since I didn’t call him out on it and then last time he got caught because of the guy he owed money to he couldn’t say anything.

Today I couldn’t figure out where he was getting it, who he was doing it with, or what because he is staying with his mom and I really don’t think he is doing it there. But he hasn’t been hanging out with the guy down the street from her like he was before or others that I know of. Then it hit me, the guys at the lot where he works and things. That is where he was working before when he told me about being in it the most and dealing it and things. I thought of it and I said yep the guy where he stayed that first Wednesday a few weeks ago when he came with us and hung out.

I told her that night what is he doing and why did he have to go outside and talk to him before he ever came in if he was going to come in why couldn’t he talk to him then. Why he had been messaging him all evening up to that point? Most the time he isn’t on that phone unless something like that is going on. When he first came to my house he was on it on it on it because he was messaging these guys and different ones. Then after being there a few weeks he was hardly ever on it until that night he went out and all the shit went down. Then again he was on it on it on it again.

Then the guy came in and didn’t even sit with us he went sat at the bar by himself and drank for a bit then left. Then when we left he told me he asked him if he could sleep there so I didn’t have to take him all the way back home. I dropped him off there. Me and Bff was talking about it then how it all happen how he been hanging out over there and I didn’t think it was a good idea and things. He told me the other day how this guy is pawning work tools and things all the time for money. What is he needing money for that bad that he is pawning work tools.

I told her when he got with this guy down the street from her the other night it wasn’t good. They have been friends since they were kids I don’t know how long sleeping beauty has known him. But then by the time we got back to this guys house the other night it was he might be renting the camper he has in the yard so that he can be closer to work and things. I told Bff that isn’t good. When he rented there before he had to get out of there because of a bunch of shit and that he just wants him there for the money from the camper but that he knows that he will get money from him because he will buy shit from him. He don’t care just like he told Bff about her friend he is a grown man he knows what he is doing and it is his money and that he has to make money to take care of his family some how. He isn’t looking out for him or care he is just a bank to him. When the money runs out because Sleeping Beauty don’t get to work for two or three weeks and has no money to give him or buy anything then he is going to be out on his ass again.

I want to tell him I know what is going on, I’m not stupid, I know why he has lost all he has. That he needs to really think about what he is doing.

Like I told Bff I think he is into it more now than he has been. When I picked him up Wednesday night he was telling me his ex had messaged him told him she was getting married then that day or day before messaged about something. He asked for his stuff from the storage room. She told him she took it all to the dump. He had his kids pictured, stuff of his dads and everything in there. He was mad and upset about that. He said something was said then called him piece of shit. He said you know after so many times of hearing that it does something to you. It sticks with you. I said oh I know tell me about it. We talked about how ex did me and things. Then we were at Bff’s house.

She said today maybe he is dealing with depression. I said I know he does I know he deals with it and anxiety pretty bad. I said I told him before it is anxiety when he tells me he was sitting in his room cry for hours not know why. He wake up not able to breath thinking it was his heart and things.  I told him to go get meds for a while and he would feel better. He wouldn’t.

I think between her saying the things she has and dealing with that and being around the guy at work and now getting in touch with this guy we all worked with again it just all makes a perfect storm.

I want to tell him you know what why you want to pop off about 20?s i am just asking because I care not trying to start shit. You know what I have been doing the last few days since we got together? Trying to figure out how to get me new vehicles so that I could give you mine and trying to figure out a way for you to start saving money to get your license back. Figure out if i could help you find a better job how I could help you get to it and somewhere you could move to closer so that you are easier to help. So O want to thank you and tell you how glad I am you decided you just want to be friends before I spent time making it all happen. Maybe sometimes you should ask questions instead of being so with drawn and popping off about someone wanting to talk or ask questions. When I was asking you to ride with me the other night i wanted to talk to you about it all.

I may just leave it alone forget it until he hits me up again.

{March 1, 2019}   To Much In My Life

I am so confused and hurt right now, I want to say something but don’t even know what to say. Not that it is going to do any good to say anything really.

I messaged Sleeping Beauty yesterday when I got off my first job. I stopped to grab something to eat an was waiting on it. I just asked him how he was feeling? He replied with I think we should just stay friends. I said can we talk? He said text yes. I asked if he could call me I could call him why only text all the time? He just said no text.

I told him again I did not know what happen last night I was sorry for whatever happened that he knew I had never drank that and that I had never been that way before. I asked what happen why just friends?

He says just to much in my life. Really to much in his life because just Sunday he was telling me and BFF how all he has is he works goes home and goes to his room and sits/sleeps he has nothing does nothing. He like to go camping and going with us on Wednesdays and would help with the cars and things. It gives him something to do get out of the house and he gets to see the kids and things. He likes hanging out with the kids.

I asked him what that was or meant, how did he go from I wasn’t ready to I am ready to having to much in his life in a few days. To just tell me what was going on.

He just responded with nothing I just told you and I don’t want to be tied down.

I asked again what has changed in a few days? All he would say was not getting into it. I said something why can’t you just say what is going on? He said see what I mean 20?s I am done.

I said No but you know, you could just say not just oh everything lets do this and then no explanation, no forget it.  If it was you, you would want to know. He said no I don’t.

I never said anything back. At that point I was at the lot and it was packed I had to force myself to go in and not leave. I hate that job so much and want to quite but can’t because that little bit I make hourly is a help even if I don’t sell anything. On top of being hungover I just wasn’t in the mood to go back and forth with it all and I didn’t know what else to say at that point.

I am leaving it alone for now I think I wrote something a few times but didn’t send it. I am not going to get a response or one I want. I want to know what is going on. But like I told BFF he reads what I send him and he thinks about it. Even when it isn’t what he wants to hear so I want to be careful what I send. I don’t want to send just pissed off whatever, I want to send something that will make him think about what he is doing and what is going on.

{February 27, 2019}   Communication Issues

I don’t know what is going on with Sleeping Beauty I have hardly talked to him since Sunday. He stopped talking Sunday evening, I seen him before work Monday and we talked a little. Then I didn’t hear anything from him until yesterday morning when he messaged me said he got off late the night before and stayed at a friends house. Told me he was working and asked to borrow few dollars. He messaged me later said he didn’t get to work he was home cleaning, washing clothes.

Then he stopped talking again until this morning he said he wasn’t getting to work we talked a little. I asked him to call me he asked why said his phone isn’t working. I asked him if everything was okay, he said yeah why? I said you seemed really upset Sunday when I dropped you off. He told me no, he was fine. I said you just seem like something is bothering you other than work. He says I’m fine calm down. I said I am calm. Why the 20 questions he said. I said you know what I will leave you alone not trying to bother you and piss you off. No 20 questions.

A little bit later he sent me a messaged said this is what I am going to do today. In a minute a picture came up he was holding up a bottle of rum. I said don’t do that. We are supposed to go out tonight have a good time. You do that all day you aren’t going to be in any shape to do anything. I asked why he was going to do that what would it fix. I said just like you tell me. I said so this job sucks then take today and look for a new one.

In a bit he said now he wants me to come to work. I said tell him no leave him in a jam for the day. Tell him he said you weren’t working you can’t sit around and not work you found something else to do to make money. If he wants you there tomorrow then you will be there. I asked what he told him he said he told him he was to busy to play his games. I haven’t heard from him since.

He never wants to talk and he wants to disappear or withdraw when you message. Why was he telling me to calm down and starting with 20 questions? That is all that was said. We really are going to have to sit down and talk this evening he is supposed to go with us because of Sailor boy. I know he is dealing with a lot too but he needs to understand that not communicating is just going to make things worse.

Like I told Bff, he wants to say you been wanting to talk and what is with the 20 questions, I am going to tell him you know what we can sit and talk about this or I can just snap on you and raise hell or I can just shut up deal with it on my own and stuff it until I say fuck it. So I know you are dealing with stuff but I am dealing with stuff too and we are either going to do this and open up to each other and help each other work through it or we need to just forget this and go our own ways because like this it isn’t going to work out.

He can say what he wants about Sunday, I know he was upset and something was bothering him.

I think that the way things are right now, him living so far away, not getting to work like he should, not having money because he is trying to catch up on things and wanting to help me and wanting to be around and with me and the kids are all just getting to him. He is trying to figure out how to make it all happen. He was asking me the other day about how much it would cost to get my guns. He told me don’t worry about it we would get them out soon. Telling me we need to get something else for me to drive so he can tear my truck down and fix it. I said something about how freaken far it is to drive and get him or drop him off. He said I’m sorry honey, I know I don’t like it, I am trying to figure out something else. I said it is okay, I’m really not complaining your doing what you have to do I’m just saying, just talking.

He told Bff he was going to try and meet her this afternoon so we could all go tonight but I haven’t heard from him and she hasn’t either. I don’t know what he is doing if he started drinking or what. She told him he had to go with us tonight not to leave us to deal with the stalker alone. he told her no he wouldn’t do that to anyone so he still planed to go. but he hasn’t gotten a hold of her and we can’t get a hold of him. But his phone seems like it don’t have service again. I am thinking maybe hopefully he went to his room and went to sleep. I am getting off at 5 or a little after I am going to try and get a hold of him. If I don’t I am going to message his mom and tell her to tell him I am on my way to get ready. I got there Sunday he was sleeping they got him. He came out said I told you to call me when you were on your way. I said I called and called and messaged you. I was going to message your mom but didn’t. He said you should of so he shouldn’t get mad and hopefully she won’t. Hopefully we we can figure things out.

Bff says she thinks he is dealing with his own stuff from the past and things. Like I said I am sure he is because I am too. But it is one of the quickest things to mess up a relationship. He has to decide what he wants. Even if he don’t want to talk about things he can’t just ignore or with draw like he is either. Jut say so and move on.

I am not asking him to call me 100 times a day, I’m not asking him to message me all day. But if we are messaging then say hey I got to go or I will talk to you later not just no response and nothing for almost a day. If I am trying to call then take a minute to answer or say I will call later not what is it just text me or not respond. It is the being ignored and just there one second and gone for the day the next wit no explanation that is getting to me. Why gone for almost a whole day say nothing.

She says I don’t think there is anyone else. I told her I don’t either but I am worried there maybe something else. I can’t have that. I may have said that already but that is what I am really worried about.

et cetera
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