{September 16, 2020}   Screwed Up Big Time

I can not believe how badly I have screwed up and now have to tell JW as well. As you all know I stopped taking my birth control a few weeks ago after ending up in the hospital. I told JW at the tome what I found when I started researching it and the side effects. I found I had some of the more sever and uncommon ones. He agreed I shouldn’t take it anymore and we would figure something else out as he put it.

I didn’t forget I stopped taking it or what. I just wasn’t thinking about it. Twice lately he has told me he was about to cum said where or something like that. I just said okay or what. He always tells me sometimes I tell him not yet or something. So I didn’t think anything of it. I did the way he said it but for a split second and figured I miss understood what he said or he miss spoke. After that split second I forgot about it.

Last night was one of those nights. He finished before I was expecting him to. He asked what was wrong I told him he was just like oh sorry that was that. I wasn’t happy the way he acted.

I got up for a while after that, then tossed and turned all night. I just didn’t feel good. I was thinking about it this morning on the way to work. I went put my lunch up and was going back to my desk. What he said hit me and what he meant hit me like a ton of bricks. That made me feel even sicker. My stomach was already in knots. I was distracted all day and messed up at work and everything else thinking about it all. I just wanted to come home be with him sit down and talk. I did not want to be at work today. Had I not missed so much already I probably would of left.

He was asking me if he should pull out or not when he said he was going to cum and where he should. Since I stopped taking the pill. At the moment I wasn’t thinking of that. I had told him we had to be really careful because a lot of people get pregnant right away when they stop taking them and things. Here I messed up.

I don’t know if he thinks I am tracking monthly or what. Because that is what I was doing when we got together and have used for years now. I have started back but you have to track for a few months or so for it to get all the information and be right. Because I had not had my monthly but once why I was on the pills and being on them changes it all anyway since you can start it when you want. I haven’t been trying to track it myself because it is all messed up. I had one last month was about 7 or 8 days long and pretty bad. Then nothing for 12 days because I started the new week of pills. But then stopped them all together it started again for 4 days. It is going to take time to get back on a normal cycle again.

I can’t believe I wasn’t thinking about what he meant when he said it and told him oh it’s fine. One night I had gotten triggered and just wanted to be done. So he said he was ready i was like go ahead. Last night it just happen i was like your fine. I don’t know how he is going to react. But he can’t get to mad right. I mean he hasn’t asked if or what I am doing to keep anything from happening. Or question how do you know it’s okay. He was just going to pull out and that is no where near a sure thing. I hope everything is fine this is the last thing I need right now.

{November 28, 2016}   Re: Bonfire Kind of Night

Well my friend came over to watch the kids because we never did hear from Father of the Year. I went to see my friend. Some of you may remember my friend from back after me and Father of the Year broke up. He was the one that I was just hanging out with and hooking up with, we weren’t together just doing what we were doing and that was it. Then he kind of decided he might want more and we just drifted in different directions from there. We have always kept in contact and talk off and on. We have known each other since we were in our teens.

As I said in a Bonfire Kind of Night he had a kid free weekend and wanted me to come up for some drinks and to hang out by the fire. Boy what a night it ended up being. We had some drinks and went in to watch a movie. I was asking him some questions about the computer, tv and stuff like that how to get different shows from places and things.

We started fooling around and then I said something about protection and he said he didn’t have anything at all there. I was kind of surprised because he always did in the past. I also had something with me a lot of times. But I have not had anything in forever because I haven’t needed it and I didn’t have money to buy anything on the way. I figured he had them so it wasn’t a big deal we would just use that. Then he didn’t have any.

He said he hadn’t been with anyone in a while he was clean I didn’t have to worry about that. I told him that wasn’t what I was worried about. That I didn’t want anymore kids, it was enough with the ones I had. He said you I didn’t have to worry about it, he would provide for it, he take care of it I wouldn’t have to worry about anything it needed. I said easy for you to say you want another. He said no he didn’t. Then he said well I do but I know it isn’t going to happen I gave up on that.

I know he would if it happen. I know he would be there he would get whatever it needed he would be involved. If it happen and I dropped it off to him and said you take it and raise it I’m not doing it or can’t he would. He has with the one he has now for the last 7 years pretty much on his own. He sends the support for his other. But that isn’t the point. I do not want to have anymore kids, I don’t want to have one in this kind of situation and I am trying to get my schooling done and do what I need to do for us. I don’t want to take care of a baby and I don’t want to have one and just leave it for him to take care of. I want my kids with me. I want to be involved. Although I don’t want to have anymore kids I would like to foster or adopt not have more.

I finally said lets just run up to the store and get something and come back. He wanted me to go get it, I told him to come with me so I didn’t get lost or what. We had went to the little store once and I passed the house. I have never been there and it being dark.

The store was about to close when we got there so there was no one around. We went in I heard someone yelling but it was off I thought across the street at the little store. We came out and there was a man off on the other side of the parking lot screaming yelling and running around. I said to my friend is he fighting with himself or is someone over there? Then I seen there was no one he was just yelling and carrying on. He went around the truck to get in and I was trying to unlock doors when I heard someone behind me say some thing. I turned and looked, there was a lady there and she asked if we would walk her to her car it was over next to where the crazy guy was yelling and freaking out. I told her if she wanted to get in I would give her a ride over there but I wasn’t going to walk over there the way he was acting. She kind of thought about it for a second and said ok. She got in behind me and we drove her over there.

I wanted to back in beside her driver door so she could just get out and jump in her car but there wasn’t room. I got over close to the car and the guy started yelling and running at and around my truck. She was saying do I need to call the police and that she was scared. I told her to just wait I was going to turn around so I was right by the back of her car she could just get out and get in fast, that if he wouldn’t go away or started I would call them we would wait with her until they came. I pulled up open my window he was between my truck and her car. He wasn’t close enough to grab my door but not far he take a step or two he could. My friend yelled at me to close my window and opened his. He leaned out and over the truck and told him this lady just wanted to get in her car and that we would all leave and leave him alone. He started saying something to him and arguing. By now I am getting mad I rolled down my window again. He said ok he would move or something he was hard to understand sometimes. I said look you are between her car and my truck and right by her car. I said can you walk around to the other side of my truck until she can get in her car? I wanted him on the other side of the truck so that the truck would be between him and her it would take him a minute to get around the truck. Plus my friend would be on that said if he tried to start. The guy said I am leaving don’t worry about it. I am going far away I am going over here to blow up this liquor store. I said well we will be out of your way here in  just a second. He got down past the back of my truck and out in the parking lot farther away she jumped out got in her car and we all left. I don’t know what happen to him or what he done after that.

All I could think is this is great something is going to happen. He is going to try to block us and keep me from leaving and start I am going to have to run him over. Or he is going to start with this women and my friend is going to get out of the truck and there is going to be a fight. I wasn’t just going to leave the poor lady standing there unable to get to her car in an empty parking lot whatever happen. I figured if he started standing in front of my truck I would just back up but if he started with the women when she got out it would have been a fight because my friend would have gotten out and stopped him. I figured if he just wouldn’t go away and move we were just going to call the police. He did and he could have ran back up but I wasn’t that worried about it.

We went back to the house and I stayed for a little while then left. He wanted me to stay longer but I knew that wasn’t a good idea and he was falling a sleep. I find it funny he says he don’t want anything other than just friends but then when I am there he don’t want me to leave and always wanting me to stay the night and pulling me close and holding me when we are going to sleep. I don’t know I still don’t know I was going to bring stuff up and talk to him about things but then I didn’t and I don’t know why. I will probably go back up in a week or two and see him or meet him somewhere and talk to him then.

et cetera
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