{October 17, 2018}   No Mental Health Help

I have not been to therapy in awhile because my insurance was cancelled. Now I have it back and I have to pay the first $970 something a month before they will pay anything.

I called the place I have been going and talk to them. I explained what happen what is going on. They told me that I would have to pay $70 a week until i was over the nine then the insurance would pay. I already know how it works and I know I will not have almost a $1000 a month in medical bills so I will never meet that. I also can not pay $70 a week to go see someone when I can’t get things caught up now.

I called the place i see my gp at because they do behavioural health as they call it. They told me they will bill my insurance each week up until the end of the month then if I do not meet it they will bill me. So I ask how much will it cost each time I came in? They can’t tell me that. Depends what we do what I am seen for. I am just there talking thats it. She says I have to see the gp before I can see someone. I ask her how much that is she can’t tell me that either. I tell her I can not come there run up a bill for a month and have no idea what it is going to be and then expect to pay it out of pocket. That I need an idea what it is going to cost me. She says we have no way of knowing so we can’t tell you that. I talk to two other people was told the same kind of crap so I just said I guess I can’t do that then thanks.

There really isn’t anywhere else to try and go to my grandma goes to a place an ld they are always pulling her around when it comes to bills because of her insurance too so that won’t work. I don’t have the money to pay it all right now. I so wish I did I could just go pay everything not worry about none of it. But even working two or three jobs I can’t.

I know I need to get in and see someone I know I need to get back on my medication because I wasn’t able to get it all this time. But I can’t even see my gp to get it and she will not give it to me unless I am seeing someone.

Between the stress of trying to get everything paid, find another job, dealing with my mother and not being able to talk tobsomeone and get my medication I am ready to lose it. I walk around so angry all the time or I just don’t care. The last two days that I have been off I have done nothing but sleep all day get up make dinner go back to bed in no time. Then lay there half the night awake stressing over everything. I feel like everywhere I turn I just get knocked down.

I really do not know what to do anymore. I feel this time can’t get no worse then it does. Next time it is just worse than before. Nothing is getting better. Nothing is turning around. I truely do not know what I need at this point. I know part of why I am not getting another job is because i am so depressed. I try to fake it until I make it but it don’t work. Ibjust want a decent job so I can do this on my own. Not have to worry about it all and just live a half way decent life.

{April 9, 2017}   Tuesday’s Therapy Session

Last week I had therapy again, I have been debating on continuing or stopping at this point. I do not feel I get as much out of it as I did when I had the other therapist. The other therapist was a lot like me so she just call me out or tell me like it was even if you didn’t want to hear it. She would push me to do things I needed to get done. Some times that is what I need. Maybe not so much push me or tell me but she held me accountable for things and asked about them and expected hem to be done. Sometimes that is what we need someone to hold us accountable for things. I won’t lie it helps me it helps me get things done. Other wise I slip back into the oh well who cares I will get to it when I do or if I don’t no one will notice anyway. She wasn’t a single mom she hadn’t been there and didn’t know first hand what it was like. She didn’t try to oh been there I understand that or oh I know how you feel, or I went through that this is what I done. That is how the new therapist is she is a single mom and she has been through it. But her way of approaching it is not the way I want to look at things. They don’t help they kind of make it worse and I just while writing this it hit me why I don’t care for the way she handles things Don’t get me wrong I like her she seems like a very good person, she cares and she means well but she just isn’t the right fit for me. She is someone I could be friends with in different situation.

Her approach is this is just how life is right now make the best of it. It is just what it is it will get better at some point or when all these other things happen. Where as if there was a problem the other therapist was more of a so what are you going to do about it? What can you do to change it? Can you change it? If not what can you do to make it easier to live with or to keep it’s effect it has on you or how much are you going to let it effect you it’s something out of your control? It’s happen lets deal with it and keep moving don’t let it drag you back to where you were, don’t drag it around with you and let it eat at you or make things harder or a battle you have to deal with and fight with all the time. Not just accept it and hope that life is going to get better in the future. She was make it better it is in how you deal with it. I really am not feeling like I am doing better I feel like I am on the edge of slipping back to where I was and it is a battle I am fighting every day. I do not feel when I go there it is helping like I did before. I find myself dreading it more and more now. Not because of how I feel but because I feel I am wasting my time I can deal with it and tell myself that one day life will be better, I don’t need her to tell me.

I am supposed to go back in two weeks since this week is spring break, but I am thinking about not going back. I am kind of scared not to go back either because I am worried I will fall right back where I was before quickly if I don’t. Right now I feel like I am being lead there slowly and I keep going back in hopes that things will change and get better. Even though I know they aren’t going to.

I have thought about asking to see someone else but I don’t know how that would go or how to go about that. I feel that it will be awkward as well to ask to see someone else and seeing her when I go. I know I shouldn’t care and that I need to do what is best for me but then I feel like what if I get someone else like her? What am I supposed to say when I ask for someone else and they ask why? How do I explain it to them? What are they going to think? Probably that I am crazy and just complaining or that she said something I didn’t like so I want to change. This is the second person I have seen in what 6 months. But I didn’t change I was handed off because the other had a change in jobs. This is not the first pick to put me with for the first therapist I had this was her second pick. The second didn’t have her hours and things up and was taking time off or something. I have even thought about emailing my old therapist and telling her how things are going and see about changing. But then this is her boss so I don’t know if I should or not. I am just confused, I have 4 papers and a video and two classes of work to get done and I have to much on my mind to even be able to concentrate on it. I started doing the work that is due tonight so I can start on the 4 papers that are due in two weeks. I got a few pages in and stop to write this.

I am back to not being able to sleep but feeling sleepy all the time. I have watched the sun come up the last two days then slept a few hours and up, part of why I can’t do my work. All I want to do is take a nap and I need to get this work that is due tonight done at least. I also need to get this stuff done with the house and the kids junk. I just don’t know what I am going to do.

My therapist did say one thing that kind of made me feel good when I was there Tuesday, we were talking about stuff that had happen the last few weeks since I had been there, the truck breaking down, the girl taking off at school, my classes and just everything. She started talking about things we had talked about before, she said you are so smart, you are someone if I had a business or was opening a business I would hire you to run it. She said I know you want to get into social work and things but I see you running a business a doctors office or something like that. She said you know enough about all kinds of stuff, you aren’t afraid to take charge, you know how to deal with people. She said if you don’t know you find out or figure out a way.

I was kind of surprised and caught of guard but thought it was funny too, because I have a friend who is always calling me asking me stuff. She tells everyone oh let me call so and so she will know or how to find out whatever it is. It was nice to feel that she thought way, now if others seen that and I could get some kind of decent job other than a cashier or something.

I have a little over a week to decide if I want to keep going, ask for someone else, or just stop and see what happens.


{November 18, 2016}   The Past isn’t Always The Past

I seen the therapist last week but since this coming week is Thanksgiving she couldn’t get me in. I am set to go back the week after Thanksgiving. So far I think I have been two or three times it was two weeks in between this week and the last time as well. I am not worried about the time between it’s fine.

My thing is that I feel like all we talk about is what has went on the last week or two since I seen her last and how I am feeling. I feel like we need to talk the past and what happen. I don’t know why I just feel like there is something there, I don’t know how to explain it. We went over the basics of what has went on the last 4 years or so but just the getting a divorce, fighting for it, RC leaving, going to school things like that.

I don’t know if it is what all went on as much as how fast it all happened. As far as how fast mine and Father of the years relationship started and then how fast mine and RC’s was. If I meet someone else is it going to be the same? I seem to go from one extreme to the other and not much in between. I really don’t want to meet someone and end up like before. I also don’t want to end up putting all my plans and wants on the back burner. I do that is why I am just now in school, I’m living where I am. If I hadn’t put my plans on the back burner then I would have moved a way from here long ago.

But I don’t know I feel like that isn’t really what she is in to. It really isn’t she is more into fixing what is wrong now. I’m not with anyone now so all that isn’t a problem right now. I don’t know maybe I am talking to the wrong person but who would I talk to I have no clue. I guess I will keep going back and see how things go.

{October 25, 2016}   Therapy

I went to my therapy appointment, I laid down and took a nap for about an hour then got distracted with other things before I got my shower. I ended up not getting in the shower until 1120 and needed to leave by 1130. I got there about 3 minutes early, not as early as I wanted to but I got there.

When I was done with the paperwork the therapist came out and got me, we went back to her office. She just asked what all was going on, if there were any life changes that had happen. I told her everything. About splitting up with Father of the Year, being with RC and him not being around, losing my dad, um going to school, being homeless, that the depression was really bad when I was pregnant that they wanted me to take somethig then but that I would’t because I was already having problems with the pregnancy and didn’t. She asked what I did for intertainment or fun. I told her I didn’t do anything that I didn’t go out or nothing like that. I told her I run the kids. I told her that I had no one to watch the kids or help with them, I didn’t have anyone that really does anything or helps in anyway. She asked how things were with my mom and where she was. I told her she has her the truth, I go take her where she needs to go when I have to, show up for holidays and answer the phone and get through calls with her other than that I avoid dealing with her. She said so you do what your “supposed” to do. I said yeah. I told her she needs to be seen and treated for ocd, depression and anxiety but refuses to talk to anyone or take and thing. That I can’t deal with her no more than I have to. That she can decide not to do anything about it and that is fine but I chose not to go around anymore than I have to. She was like I don’t blame you at all I understand that.

She asked what I was like and my personality or what. I said I’m pretty laid back and easy going. I said my friends say I am very independent, blunt and don’t take no crap. I said I don’t sugar coat things and if someone does something or I think they are this way or that and start I call them on it and move on. If I don’t like the feeling i get or what i see i won’t even mess with them. She said oh well we should get along just fine because I am the same way. She said I have no felter. I said me either I just don’t care anymore. I was always the peace keeper and go between and keep my mouth shut most the time. I said I just don’t care anymore this is my life and this is how it is if you don’t like it move on. She was like I do not blame you you have to have boundaries and stand up for yourself.

When she was done the first thing she said was that she feels I need something more than her. I need to go see my doctor or a shrink and get on some medication for a little bit because I have had so much happen and so many of them big things. So much that should have just done it but I have just been hanging on for so long. That she thinks it would help to get on something to kind of help me. She said if I wanted to go to a shrink then to give them her card I could just go there pretty much when I needed my medications since they would know I was seeing her. Other wise I would have to go there once a week or so as well. I could just go to them and skip her since they can do it all but I really like her and want to stay with her. She also told me that she wants me to get into the doctor right away for my yearly because I have not done all that since I was pregnant. She wants me to get blood work and thyroid checked. I do have thyroid problems she said that could be it as well I may not need medication if they find something is wrong with the thyroid and put me on something for it.

Like I told her I feel pretty good right now and like I am on a upswing and I don’t feel like the other foot is going to fall or some big thing is going to happen. But I can’t force myself to get up and do the things I need to do, I can’t concentrate I either can’t sleep or want to sleep all the time. I am supposed to go back on the first at 1 to see her again. We talked I have been down before and able to get myself out of it but this time I just can’t get past this no motivation feeling this time. That is another reason she wants me to get a good check up, get things checked out make sure it isn’t something medical going on and if not then to get on medication for depression and anxiety.

When she ask if I had support of any kind I told her no both of my closer friend are going through pretty bad medical things so I don’t tell them to much or talk to much about things. I told her I had my one friend that if it is to bad I can text or call and talk to some but that we don’t talk often. But when things get to bad I go to him because I can say anything and not feel judged or like he is going to freak out because we are a lot a like and nothing surprises us much anymore and we just have that we can just be 100% honest. But that was it we just talked no other kind of help. Just my vent to person.

Now I have to go get the kids from school and they are having father of the year over because it’s his birthday. Puke eye roll.


{October 25, 2016}   Therapy Soon

I have to leave in two hours to make it to my appointment on time. I just want to take a nap, but I know I can’t because if I do I won’t get up in time to go. I still need to take a shower and find what I am going to wear. Not that I have to get dressed up or what but see what the weather is like in two hours. It is starting to try and get cool here so you never know when it is going from being cool to blazing hot. It happens with in minutes, i can check outside go get dressed and come back in a few minutes and it’s nothing like it was when I checked. I am watching Forensic Files and killing time on line until I can go take a shower and start getting ready. I hate getting dressed and ready to earl.

I keep thinking about going to this appointment but more that I have it really, rather than what I am going to talk about or how it is going to go. I still haven’t told anyone that I am going I just told them I have a test or appointment if they ask I just say for a test or to do with school. I went to bed at 1 or before and got up at 745. It’s only 945 and I can hardly hold my eyes open.

{October 22, 2016}   Random Thought # 4

I got up and stopped to feed the fish and things in the tank, because I am really not sure when they were fed last. I as I was putting the different foods in I had the thought, how are you going to go talk to some stranger and tell them all about your problems and what is wrong with with you? You don’t know this person from any other person on the street and your going to tell them all your flaws and problems? You are so careful to not let anyone in but then you are going to just go pour it all out to this person you don’t know. You only have one person you have told the darkest of the dark to and you have known him for 26 years. How are you going to just go in there and tell someone you have never met?

Is she going to ask questions? Just expect you to talk? What is she going to want to talk about? The bigger question is what do I want to talk about? Why am I going there? I don’t know really, I do and I don’t I guess. It is hard to explain it is kind of like writing on here sometimes you have a ton to say it just over flowing, while other days you have nothing at all to say and may not write for days even though your goal is to write every day or every few days.

I honestly in my head going I don’t know I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. If I don’t know now how am I supposed to talk to this person Tuesday when I go in?

This is what I have been thinking about sine. I just have a really hard time opening up to people I don’t know and do not trust anyone really. Oh well I guess I will do like always and just wait and see.

et cetera
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