45 Minute Nap

It is 8:30 kids are at school and I am home. I am going to take a 45 minute nap, then jump up get ready and go to my meeting. That will give me 45 minutes until we will be sitting down starting not just to get there. I hope to have time to stop for coffee but I don’t know. Time will tell.

Two Missed Pills

As I said in my last post me and my oldest were staying up to watch the new Gilmore Girls at midnight and then found out it was 3 am our time. We made it to 3 and through the first show. I maid it less than half way through the second show. I woke up turned it off and we went to bed.

It was already 5 something in the morning when I went to bed so needless to say I didn’t take my pill. What a horrible night it was, well if you can call it a night. I think I slept 4 hours and woke up a couple times. When I wasn’t awake I was dreaming until I would wake myself up. It was nightmares really, I kept dreaming about these red, yellow and black snakes all over my house and trying to get me. Then someone told me they were poisons, I already thought they were. It really didn’t matter because as I have said many times snakes are the one thing I am not going to have any part of. I would rather fight a person than deal with a snake. I take my chances with anything but a snake.

I also dreamed about a few other things but do not remember them like I remember the snake dreams. The snake dream was always the same one and in my head while I am dreaming I am saying to myself I just dreamed this the other night. Trying to figure out why I am dreaming it. Then I was even trying to figure out if I was awake or dreaming.

I know when I am really stressed I would dream about snakes and things like that, but I think that this is because of not taking my medication. It seems that both nights I had all these crazy dreams is when I miss my medication. I think that it is working but I don’t know if it is completely helping or not though. I feel better over all I still don’t feel like I have any motivation. I don’t know maybe it’s just me, I don’t know. Even though I feel better I still just don’t feel like I really care about the things I should. I want to do things, I do things and have fun but other than that I just don’t care about the things I should. I don’t know how to explain it, I keep telling myself not to stress over or that it isn’t that I don’t care it’s that everything will work out. I guess I should talk to counselor Tuesday and see what she has to say.

Found A Balance

As you all know I have started taking a medication as suggested by the counselor I started seeing. I have been on it for 6 days and the first 5 were hell. I felt drugged and sick to my stomach all day long. It made me sleepy as well. I hate the drugged feeling and the sick to my stomach feeling. My friend and her boyfriend both take it and said that their doctors told them to take it at night before bed. Monday I didn’t take it when I got up and took it when I went to bed. I slept pretty good other than the dog waking me up. I got up this morning and felt sick to my stomach a little bit, but after a little bit it went away and I was fine the rest of the day. I took it again tonight about the same time. I have been up a couple hours still but starting to feel tired and probably would have went to sleep when I took it had I went to bed. But I was staying up to catch up on my shows and on here. Now I just have to remember to take it around the same time every night or maybe even a little earlier so that maybe I won’t feel sick when I wake up. But if not I can deal with feeling a little sick for a few minutes in the morning to not feel sick and drugged all day. Over all I kind of feel like it maybe working. I picked my friend up as soon as I dropped the kids off this morning we went had breakfast this morning, we went feed the chickens I didn’t have to do it later and then hung out at my house for a while. I didn’t feel tired or annoyed. Because before I would want someone to come hang out or go somewhere with and then once they got here all I could think was how I wish they weren’t here I didn’t want to deal with them and I just wanted to go to bed, not be up entertaining anyone or dealing with anyone. It wasn’t like I was doing anything other than we were sitting here talking, laughing, joking and just carrying on. But I still just wanted to say you know what I got to take you home now because I don’t want you here, and they just got here two minutes before. I didn’t do it I didn’t say it or anything because as much as I wanted to I didn’t at the same time. I go back to the counselor next week. I also go to get my mammogram, ultrasound of the breast and ultrasound of the thyroid. The doctor has me coming back in a month so I guess will just have to get a copy of the reports.

I don’t know how I like this new time change yet. I like that it is dark earlier in a way because it just feels like everything slows down earlier. Even with the kids up I feel like I can decompress from the day. It’s hard to explain, the day time I feel like I have to go, go, go and have all this stuff to get done even if I really don’t. Once it gets to be night time I just feel like I can just relax and not be busy every second.

No more Coke No more Coffee

I went and seen the counselor again today, we talked about being me being so tired. I told her I was sleeping most the night and most the day as well. She said that sleeping while the kids are at school or at night while they do but both wasn’t good. She said that I had to get back on some kind of schedule. Of course I know it isn’t good I’m not getting anything done that way my school work is really suffering because of it. I told her that I cold drink coffee all day and still not be able to hold my eyes open. She said that I need to stop drinking the coffee and the coke. She thinks that it is having the opposite effect on me and making me want to sleep more. I had not drank coke in years and started drinking it again over the last few months and it is all I drink anymore.

Like I told her at times I wouldn’t sleep for days or I would sleep in the morning for a little bit. I would get tired in the after noon or evening while I was picking the kids up, getting dinner, baths, homework and kids to bed. But by the time I got them to bed I would have that second wind and be good to go for the night. Anymore I am not getting that second wind. Not even a hint of one. She said she thinks if I stop drinking the coffee and coke and get on some medication things will even back out. I still want to join the gym and think that would really help me to do better and feel better if I lost some of this weight.

She also asked me about going to the doctor and when I was and if I was going to talk to them about getting on some kind of medication. I told her yes that I was going to she thought that was a good idea.

I am going to call tomorrow and try to get in. I call they keep telling me I need to call the day I want to come in. Lately I have just been so tired that I don’t call I just come home go back to sleep. Or the days I stay up it’s because I have other stuff to do so I do it and don’t have time to go in. I really do need to get my thyroid checked because if they treat that I may not need the other medications. I guess we will see. I am supposed to go back to her in two weeks, she didn’t have anything next week. So it will give me a little time to get in there.

 

Finally Made an Appointment

The other day I told you all that I almost went to the place to make an appointment to talk to a counselor but then came home. Tuesday I went and took my mom to the bank to pay a bill for my grandma, when we got to the bank I seen that the counseling place was now in the same building as the bank. It’s just a few blocks from where my kids go. I didn’t say anything or go there then I don’t want her, father of the year or anyone else to know I am going to talk to anyone. She will just like she always does try to start in some way either by calling down there and saying things or making comments about me going on what. It’s just how she is I already know and it isn’t anyone else business that I am going.

Today I called over there to see what I needed to bring with me to get in to talk to someone. The lady I talked to set everything up over the phone and I go next Tuesday. I wanted to go on a Wednesday or Thursday morning but she said that was all she had earlier in the day she could look at next month and see what she had. I told her no I would just take that time and see about setting up something earlier for my next time.

She asked why I wanted to be seen, I told her depression. She asked if there was anything else or something like that. I told her just the depression and anxiety and that I had dealt with them since I was about 14. She said, they do not prescribe any medication there. They said that they only had psychiatrist there no psychologist. I told her that was fine that I had only taken medication once in the past but would prefer not to, that was why I was looking for someone to talk to.

I figure I will go there and talk to them and see how it goes. If I it don’t seem to help or they seem to think that I need more then I guess they will refer me to somewhere else that can do more. But I don’t really want to do more. Honestly right now I just don’t want to take anything and don’t think that I need to take anything. But isn’t that what everyone says? But when I think about it I might because of the being so tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get and the walking around in a fog all the time never remembering the things I am supposed to. Thank god my little ones go to after care I had no idea it was a half day today and no school tomorrow until I picked them up. I didn’t know my older two only have half day. I have to be at the doctor tomorrow at 11 for my breast. I am thinking about changing it but they are sore and I need to do something about them. But if I don’t go it will be a week or two before I will be able to again. I can take them they will have daycare open but I hate to send them when they really don’t have school. I told them they may have to go but if they do only why I go to the doctor and then I would pick them up. I hate this I try to make everything so it is when they are at school and then screw up. It is almost

12:30 am and I am tired but I’m not. I can’t sleep. I even thought about letting everyone stay home but my oldest is pitching a fit to go because she gets her report card tomorrow and she can’t wait until Monday to see what she got. They missed time because of what happen with the teachers and when we had the storm so they really need to go. So I have to get up and take them anyway and take my friend and drop her at the hospital so I don’t know if I am going to go or not.

My Head Is spinning

I really do need to get to the collage and do what I need to do to get started in some classes. I’m not even sure what I am supposed to be going to take classes for. I have been looking stuff up tonight and trying to make sure I go for the right thing and what is going to give me the most opportunity when I get out of school and let me work in the areas I want to work in as well. My head is spinning from all the information and trying to figure out what each sub title or field is under the heading and what one would work best for me.

Looking at it all and if I am understanding it correctly I can get my Masters in 2 years and a PhD in 7.5. That isn’t bad considering I thought it would take me around 8 to get my Masters. If I am right if I went for my phd I would come out of school not only being able to have my own office and be a therapist but also teach. That would be great because it would open more options for employment. I wish the school here was open on Friday so I could go in and talk to someone.

I was hoping to get to go tomorrow but the kids aren’t going to their dads until Friday. They are going then for sure if I have to take them and drop them off to him. I have to plan this party and shop for it so I have everything to do it Saturday. They called to see if they could go tomorrow but they can’t since he is working.

I’m going to spend the next couple days researching all this and writing things down. Then put together a list of questions so that when I do get to talk to someone I don’t forget to ask them everything. I hope that once I go in and talk to someone I can take the test or come home with a date to take the test.