Single___Parent___Life











{January 31, 2020}   Can’t Stay On A Budget

I sat down last year and put a budget together for about 8 months or more. I stuck with it pretty well for a few months and was doing really well. Until November rolled around and everything went to shit and I got behind again instead of getting ahead and everything happen.

I was going to start again this month and well that didn’t happen. I just sat down and put one together again and everything is going to be so tight I have nothing left at the end of the week and don’t even cover everything. It will be the third or forth week of next month before I start to have money. It was oldest 16th birthday yesterday and I thought I would have money to do something with her next weekend and I don’t even know if I am going to have it for another few weeks or more now. It sucks she always seems to have to wait.

I am just under $1000 behind plus my normal monthly bills I have only been working about 17 to 20 hours a week the last month at my night job and missed hours at both jobs with my mouth. Between my mouth and just feeling very burnt out and over whelmed I have been leaving my night job at 9/930 if there is no work. I am so very tired of working two jobs and now know I have a year or two more of doing two jobs before I am going to see an end in sight. It is just depressing. Add in the time of year it is and my mood and mood swings and things I am just done. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to go to work but I do because I don’t want to be at home and I need the money of course. I just need to get out of this funk.

He keeps saying we need to get me moved and work out him moving in so I can quite one of my jobs. Bff keeps saying just tell the kids and let him move in. But that isn’t what I’m looking for or wanting to do. I don’t want to rush into living together. I want to know we are good and well into this and sure this is what we both really want and that the kids are good with him and want him to stay with us before we do that. I do not see even thinking about him living with is before August at the earliest. Really I would rather wait until October or later. I know he is on month to month and they are trying to sell the place. If that happens then I may consider it sooner depending how soon. I would have to be moved, the kids would have to know and had time to get use to him and be okay with it. If it is right away he is going to have to find somewhere to go for a bit. I don’t want him moving in anytime soon. I may not even by October but I would be willing to consider it then.

I just need to get over this all and get it taken care of. I can I have just been avoiding it. Because I just don’t feel like it, I am tired of dealing with it all doing it all. Not having time to myself without having to worry about kids has been really getting to me as well i just don’t want to do anything when i get that way. I cant ever do for myself why do any of it? I know i have to that is where the avoid it comes in. I do no more that what i have to in order to get by keep going. Whatever i don’t have to mess with think about or do I don’t. Then once it hits a point i have to deal with it i do.

 



{August 14, 2019}   Indirectly Invited To….

The guy that I was hired to replace at my nigh job, who ended up not leaving has made some comments lately. I for once have been left speechless.

A week or two ago he was talking about getting approved for a loan on a house. They are going to break ground in a few weeks. He was saying how he was thinking about buying the house he is in and the lot next to it. He said he was going to put a work area and pool over there. Then he says he thought about it and the kids were about grown so they would’t be around to use the pool. Then he says I told the wife oh we could have some fun swingers parties and laughed. Then says want to come to a pool party? I didn’t say anything just laughed and we went on.

Then the other night something was said on t.v about bringing a women home, he said yeah the last women I brought home my wife got kind of mad about. I don’t know if she got madder about me bringing her home or telling her she was for her.

There was another swingers comment and invite made as well. For the life of me I can’t remember what it was. I don’t know how to take it or what to say. It is kind of awkward, the way he says it, it’s like he means it and feeling me out to see what I say and then passes it off as a joke and goes on when I just laugh or make some kind of comment.

Do I have a sign that says hey I want to swing with you and your wife or be your partner for your next swinging event or lets make a profile and see what happens?

What has everyone into this? Have they always been this into it? Where have I been that I didn’t know so many were into it or notice? Or is it something that has been taboo and now all of a sudden everyone feels they can talk about it and don’t have to hide it? Why do they all feel the need to tell me and invite me? Again i don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong I am not condeming it or think any different of anyone who is into it doing it, done it or tried it. I feel that as long as everyone is consenting adults then no harm done whatever they want to do. But it is not something I want to just jump into with someone from work and his wife I just met. Or something I want to jump into in a relationship right off the bat. Maybe once things are set and going good between us and we are together and doing good it would be something we could consider. I can see there being pros and cons to it.

Just like I told my “friend” I’m not saying no but not from jump. Yes we been doing this between us a while but when you start talking relationship that is a new area we are getting into and changes thing up. We need to figure that out, what that looks like, means and is going to work before we go doing things like that. This is all new for me and I need to check it all out too and he needs to know some things understand some things. Yes I trust him or I wouldn’t be with him in anyway friends or other wise but there are always risk when you are bringing others into it all.

As if dating and relationships aren’t hard enough everyone seems to want to jump into all this right out of the gate.

 

 



{August 9, 2019}   But No One Was Getting HIT

I hear this when people are talking relationships and why they break up or broke up. It makes me want to scream and turns my stomach.

I am watching the Girlfrinds Guide to Divorce on Netflex

The lady is talking to her brother about getting a divorce. He is against it and thinks it is a bad idea. Which is funny because he is gay. You would think he would be one of the last ones to have a problem with it. He says he don’t understand it no one was getting hit, no one was cheating, blah blah. She says to him sorry I wasn’t getting hit. He of course says oh that wasn’t what he meant and things.

I hear this and I just want to scream. Not everyone knows if someone was or wasn’t getting hit, no one ever knew i was getting hit when I was with Father of the year. Most still don’t. Most have no idea  the ex stint of the abuse that went on. Because again no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Why do people feel the need to justify your decisions or change your mind? How do they think telling you that you weren’t getting hit makes everything else fine?

There is a lot more reasons to end a relationship other than getting hit. I relationship needs more to survive and be healthy other than two people knowing how to keep their hands to their selves. I mean don’t we all pretty much know this and do it on a daily bases when dealing with people in our daily life? Isn’t that one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit? Isn’t it like one of the fist rules when you start school and in every class? Keep hands and feet to yourself? We don’t say at least he wasn’t kicking you around.

I just don’t understand this, like the only people others decide to hit are their spouse or partner? Where did this idea that the only time we should get out of a relationship is if we are being hit? Why does this only apply to married couples and partners if this is the case? If we decide not to be friends with someone because we don’t like something they do, something they said, the way they treat us or just because we decided we didn’t want to, why don’t people say oh no you should still be friends because hey, they don’t hit you? Why is it okay to end any other relationship for any reason but to end a marriage or partnership we have to be getting knocked around?  We have to have black and blue marks or black eyes? Maybe we are getting out before it comes to that? maybe it has come to that and it’s been hidden? Because the person was embarrassed or just felt that it wasn’t everyone in the worlds business to know.

If someone says they are getting out of a relationship or getting a divorce they are not asking you to be okay with it, they are not asking you if it is okay, they are not asking if you agree with it or if it is what you would do. They are telling you to let you know, they are telling you to have the support, they are telling you because they feel they can confide in you and not be judged. If you are a true friend then don’t judge, don’t try to justify it, don’t try to fix it or make their decision okay. Just be there for them, listen to them, support them. If you can’t tell them that so that they can find someone who can.

Don’t try to talk someone into staying or tell them to work it out or it will get better. Because you most likely don’t know everything and what you are trying to talk them into holding onto and work out. Bff use to tell me the same thing when we first met and I told her we were in the process of separating and getting a divorce. She thought it was horrible and I needed to work it out and just hang in there it would get better. After she was around for a while and seen she even says she was wrong and feels bad for saying it and understands. Now that she is going through it she is really starting to see a lot and understand a lot more. You may feel your the bff and been around and know everything and they tell you everything but you don’t know at all. My own family didn’t know and we lived with them and next to them and everything for years. We seen them all the time. His family didn’t know, no one knew. Because we were the “perfect” family in public and around people.

He of course isn’t going to flip out and do shit in front of others when he puts on this show of being the perfect husband and father and doing no wrong. Some people are private people or don’t trust everyone. Others need to decide and figure things out on their own before everyone gets in involved. That is the route I decided to take. Nothing wrong  with either way. It is not for us to judge or decide the way others should handle things. it is just up to us to be there when they do come to us and tell us what they feel they can or should share with us.

 



Monday afternoon my friend messaged me and ask if I was ready to come over and take some xxx rated pictures for our sls profile.

I had no idea what he was talking about we don’t have a profile but had an idea. I said sis? He said yeah swingerslife style or something like that. Where couples go to meet other couples.

I made a joke about not h

Knowing about that or having time for it. He said I could make time if I wanted to. I joked and said I can’t find one he wants me to scare a room full off.

He said what guy? “I will find one for you. If you listen to me I’ll teach you what guys like 🙂”

He asked again if he could find me one and what I was looking for. I told him not just a hook up.

Then I get

??… I mean I would be looking for more with you. but I have been trying to get you to show me you can give me what I want. You dont seem to be able to though.

At this point I was getting on the highway and did not respond. I been thinking about it and how to respond to it. This was Monday we were talking. This evening I am sitting here at work and was thinking about something and went to read it and maybe try and reply. I am in one of those very odd emotional states and I am all over.

When I open it the first thing I notice it says in blue and white you can not reply to this conversation. I thought no way, what. I went outside to get a connection and sure enough he blocked me.

Why would he do that? Why would he block me because I can’t do what he is asking. I have been upfront and honest with him.

I was going to tell him look I am interested in trying to be more. But there are a few things that have kept me from it. Tell him what they are go from there.

I am willing to try and do different things but he has to understand where I am coming from and how I feel. He needs to meet in the middle. Nothing wrong with swinging or what but I’m not into that. And the being able to see eachother and things with our hours.

I was going to tell him how he has been the one there for me and how I feel. Now I dont know what to think. Is he mad? He is upset and pulling away? I just seen him last week. I am so confused. Thought about texting him. Dont know.



et cetera
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