{December 21, 2018}   Fat Ass

I have no idea where fatass came from because it just isn’t a word I use. Fat anything is not something I say ever hardly. So I am still very confused. But this is what happen anyway.

One night last week Mr. To Broken called me he talked to me pretty normal for a bit. Then he started on the other night when me him and Bff were talking and I went off on him and tore him a new one as he put it. I have no idea what he is talking about because the three of us have not been on the phone at the same time ever I don’t think, unless me and her are together and he calls one of us but we haven’t done that in months.

I was like what are you talking about? You got mad and went off on me about everything up one side and down the other. I don’t know what I did to make you made but you just started going off. You called me a fat ass. I said I don’t know who you are talking about but it wasn’t me. I have not went off on you at all and if I did calling you a fat ass would be the least of the things you would be worried about that I said and I never say fat ass or use the word fat hardly ever. If I do it isn’t calling someone that. I am big about not calling people names and calling out their size and things even if I am pissed off at them. Calling names is a huge pet peeve of mine. He went on and on about how I did and he hung up but heard me say it before he hung up.

I told bff about it and she is like what is he talking about? I told her the same I have no clue she would have to know about it too because she was supposed to of been on the phone when it all happen and was said and we were laughing about it together. But he wasn’t mad at her just me for saying it and us laughing.

A few days later he called and I was with her and he was going on and on about this and saying all this. I said look I would not say anything behind your back I wouldn’t say to your face and if I had said it and you came to me and asked me I would say yeah I said it now what? But I am not going to say sorry for saying or doing something I did not do. Later he messaged bff and she ask him what was going on and what he was talking about and told him she had no idea what he was talking about either she wasn’t on the phone with us. He started about how we were both there and all this. She told him that isn’t even something she would say and if she said something should tell you she don’t care. You don’t need to be in the middle of it, it has nothing to do with you don’t worry about it he tells her. She like but you say I heard it and I didn’t. He said I am not talking about it with you. I know she said it I hear her in my sleep yelling at me and saying it all the time and can’t get over it. I said you say there are two or three people that have went off on you one of them was the one that said it not me and I didn’t say anything. You need to really think about who you were talking to. It was you and I am really mad at you blah blah. I said oh well I know I did not say it or go off on you so I don’t know what you want me to say or what your looking for. He got mad I wouldn’t say sorry stroke his ego I guess. Then later he was talking to bff she said maybe you dreamed it you said something about in your sleep.

Then he sends me this message he is sorry just been so stressed. Saying sorry but not really. Again trying get me to say i did it. I never even opened it. Like the next day he blocked me.

Like I told bff I don’t care that is fine with me. I told them both that night i was not going to be done that way i was not speaking to him no more. I am not going to be acquiesced of saying things I didn’t say and told I done all this and him telling people this that isn’t true. She said just tell him it’s okay and blah blah because he is the way he is and what he may do as much as he says this is bothering him. I said nope not doing it he is going to do whatever he is going to do rather I say okay or what because no matter what he still feels I said this and is mad about it. I don’t care what he does I really don’t think he is going to do anything anyway he would have to get up and leave the house and he isn’t going to do that.

{June 12, 2018}   Trying Not To Get To Excited

Because nothing is set in stone, but my mom said something today about going to stay with her friend awhile and that her lawyer has her a court date again. I am hoping she will be out by the weekend. I am telling her she needs to go there and stay take her stuff with her. I am going to have her mail forwarded to her as well. Because I want her gone.

Oldest said she said something about moving over there. I don’t know wanting pictures of the place and said something about maybe having me take her by there or having her pick her up to see the place.

She started on me about the money I owe her. When I was going to get it. She owes me $200 more and for months she not paid now. I still need to get it filed asap. I need to get everyone paid off once and for all. I just don’t know I just get tired of dealing with her. I shut down do nothing. I just got to get her out of here.

I have not said anything to her about going over there. She just told me today. I don’t want to seem excited or she won’t go. I have to figure out get her that money. Just to get rid of her. I cant stand having her here.

She is mad she wants to buy a fridge, washer, drier and table for the kitchen. I told her no table no washer or drier. Because the only reason she wants to is because she wants to dictate when and how they are used. She don’t want dog blankets or whatever else washed or dried in them. Right now if it needs washed and fits it gets put in the washer and drier. If she buys them even though she says she is buying them for me or us the kids and us they will not be ours until she leaves. Until then it will be they are hers she paid for them so don’t wash this and that in them. She said before she buy a nice set if we didn’t. I told her no i have a washer drier at home so I do not have to go somewhere else and wash stuff. That I have enough to do without adding that to the list. She got pissed off. Guess she thought asking later I would forget and just say yes.

The table is the samething, i need chairs for mine we have two the others broke. She wants to toss the table and buy a different one. I do not want a table had gotten rid of mine she just had to have a table. I got this one i liked the guy behind me gave me when he moved. She dont want this that and the other sat on it. She gets mad. Well its a table thTs what it is for. She don’t like that it is glass top. The last 3 or 4 I have had are. I love them glass top with kids. So easy to clean and we can do anything on it wips it right off. Paint, draw, glue, playdogh, cook, anything it just comes right up. Don’t worry about stains and things like wood or other things. If she bought one it be wood it be don’t sit this or that on it don’t play at it don’t do arts or crafts on it blah blah. So I told her no i would get one or chairs to go with mine when I got money. It is not a big deal we can make due with what we have. But to hear her tell i am abusing my kids. Because we do not have a nice new washer and drier and we do not have a nice new table. None of we can afford right now. But that don’t matter i should just go get one anyway. Nope not going to happen. Then be shourt on other bills. No life dont work that way. But in her world it does. She should not pay me but buy me all this stuff. If we really need it and i can do without the money and can use it to get all this and it is for me and the kids, then why is she not saying here go find what yall like want? Instead its i found this table and this washer drier set. Why is she picking it out? Because its going to be hers until she moves. Then she going to tell everyone how we had nothing she had to rush in spend all her money to buy this stuff for me because i cant even take care of my kids. My washer things work. Just got them from a friend not long ago a year maybe. My table we only use for counter space or what. So we dont need chairs. When she leaves we are probably going to toss it make an office there.

I just want her gone for good once and for all. She yelled at me the other day had huge fit me and oldest left and left the boys here. She not slept all night and then couldn’t sleep all day because they were here and about having to babysit not to leave them like that again. Got mad I laughed at her. Like i told her I never asked her to babysit or assumed she was. I left them on their own to take care of theirselves. The same as I would of done and have done when she is not there. She could of left went to sleep taken a shower or anything. She didn’t because she didn’t want to. I take a nap with them here no one else here. I let the boys stay home alone why we go out. There is no set age to stay home alone here so if I wanted to I could leave my 7 year old alone. But i do not i leave him and the 12 year old together. They know not to answer the door or cook or leave the house and can call me. They know what houses to go to if they need help. She just crazy as hell and has issues.

{April 29, 2017}   I feel Crazy

I was woke up at 4/5 in the morning by Wanda’s brother calling and texting me. I didn’t answer I just text him back and ask him why the hell he was texting me at that time. Then he told me that they were about 20 or 30 mile south of where we are. I kind of figured that they would go down that way because that is where Father of the Year works. He didn’t say where or anything just she was there with my man. I said he isn’t my man he hasn’t been my man in a very long time I want nothing to do with him. I said they deserve each other they are just a like selfish out for nothing but their self they care about no one but their self not even each other. I told him she thought what she just left was bad she was about to really get it down on her about 100x worse than what she just left. I said they will be homeless in a month or less. He didn’t go to work last night and I am sure he isn’t going this morning because he left all his work shit here. I told him how he never keeps a job and that they would be coming to get money from him but not to look for it back he owes money all over to town don’t pay it back. I said I hope she enjoys all he abuse I did he is worse than when we were together so I am sure she will and then some.

He tried to call me again about 7 or so I was sleeping I didn’t answer or respond at all to that. I sent him a message a little bit ago and said what but he hasn’t said anything. Probably passed out from drinking already this morning. Then wonders why no one likes him. Fucking crazy ass. It is sad because he seems like a really decent guy if he wasn’t drinking. I told him last night or yesterday when he was texting me that he drink to much, he said he was in a bad place right now. Didn’t I ever get in a bad place? I said yes but I can’t drink all day to get away from it, I slap on my best fake happy face and take care of business because there isn’t anyone else going to do it and I have 4 kids that need taken care of, school to get done and work to find. He ask if I really did all that I said yes because their dad never comes around or anything I am it 24/7. I know they had a ruff childhood, their mom dumped him at like two or three with someone and left for years, when she did come back to get him at like 10 or older his step dad abused him and he moved out at 16 working two jobs. He has done good has a house and things but I think uses the drinking to self medicate. Wanda said she wasn’t sure what was going on that she hadn’t seen him drinking like he is right now. He drink but not all day like that, he worked and things. He just got fired for showing up drunk Thursday. He don’t care he don’t have to work he has everything he needs and everything paid for he works to get out of the house. They both say things were pretty bad growing up the way things were and none of them are really sure who their dad was they just know who they were told but don’t make since because of different stuff. But you know what people ca do better, just like her brother he has done better for himself she has anything he wants because he worked and did other things to make money have money and save money. She decided to be like her mom and the rest of the family and just fuck around I guess. I have only known her a few years and she seemed okay, she will tell you she has screwed up but she had changed and wanted to do better with her life and trying to get things straight for her self. I guess that was all a lie because look at where things are now.

Anyway on to why I really started this post I don’t know how I feel, I feel numb I guess, I don’t know how to explain it. One minute I don’t know how I feel or feel nothing then I am feeling depressed. Like I woke up to my phone blowing up and things and when I finally got up a little bit ago I was thinking about it. I feel hurt, I feel used, but most of all I feel worthless. I feel like why me? What is wrong with me that even my so called best friend used me and did me the way she did? I feel like I am not worth anything to anyone but to use and abuse. I go back to feeling numb or nothing, I tell myself I did the right thing I tried to help her I didn’t do anything wrong it was them. I am having chest pain again today, it was the other day too. I feel angry, pissed off, I feel like I don’t know. it just comes and goes back and forth how I feel. I don’t like this feeling one minute it is one thing the next it is something else then something else. I feel like someone is flipping stations on the radio every few seconds or minutes. I don’t like it. I just want to crawl under my blanket on my bed and go back to sleep and it is driving me crazy being in my bed. I am sitting here on the bed writing this and thinking about all I need to do all the bills that need paid and everything else. Trying not to stress but I am going into stressed out mode right now. I feel myself getting all worked up then in a minute I am on to angry and back to fuck it all, to why me. Am I selfish for saying why me? Am I for being angry? That was my best friend we did everything together she stayed at my house and had moved in and did this behind my back. This is just not right. I am truly pissed off at her for going there. I just want to call them and I don’t even know why because I don’t even know what I would say to them. I don’t want to talk to them at all really but I do. The kids are asking about them and where is daddy why did Wanda move out. But I know she don’t care because she dumped her kids with guys and left them between the ages of 2 and 5. Left them with their “daddies” She don’t know who their daddies are really, She left two with her ex husband an one with a guy she was cheating with because he had a dna test she says she never seen that said she was his. she never see’s them or talks to them hardly. So I am sure Father of the Year will not be coming around at all now. I told him I didn’t want them around her. I think I am going to go lay down for another 30 or 40 minutes and then make myself get up and do something. I don’t know what, just anything to help get my mind off this crap. I have jumped between every feeling and emotion that I think you can have about a dozen times just writing this. I feel crazy is what I feel a long with numb I feel crazy like there is something wrong with me.

{November 28, 2016}   Re: Bonfire Kind of Night

Well my friend came over to watch the kids because we never did hear from Father of the Year. I went to see my friend. Some of you may remember my friend from back after me and Father of the Year broke up. He was the one that I was just hanging out with and hooking up with, we weren’t together just doing what we were doing and that was it. Then he kind of decided he might want more and we just drifted in different directions from there. We have always kept in contact and talk off and on. We have known each other since we were in our teens.

As I said in a Bonfire Kind of Night he had a kid free weekend and wanted me to come up for some drinks and to hang out by the fire. Boy what a night it ended up being. We had some drinks and went in to watch a movie. I was asking him some questions about the computer, tv and stuff like that how to get different shows from places and things.

We started fooling around and then I said something about protection and he said he didn’t have anything at all there. I was kind of surprised because he always did in the past. I also had something with me a lot of times. But I have not had anything in forever because I haven’t needed it and I didn’t have money to buy anything on the way. I figured he had them so it wasn’t a big deal we would just use that. Then he didn’t have any.

He said he hadn’t been with anyone in a while he was clean I didn’t have to worry about that. I told him that wasn’t what I was worried about. That I didn’t want anymore kids, it was enough with the ones I had. He said you I didn’t have to worry about it, he would provide for it, he take care of it I wouldn’t have to worry about anything it needed. I said easy for you to say you want another. He said no he didn’t. Then he said well I do but I know it isn’t going to happen I gave up on that.

I know he would if it happen. I know he would be there he would get whatever it needed he would be involved. If it happen and I dropped it off to him and said you take it and raise it I’m not doing it or can’t he would. He has with the one he has now for the last 7 years pretty much on his own. He sends the support for his other. But that isn’t the point. I do not want to have anymore kids, I don’t want to have one in this kind of situation and I am trying to get my schooling done and do what I need to do for us. I don’t want to take care of a baby and I don’t want to have one and just leave it for him to take care of. I want my kids with me. I want to be involved. Although I don’t want to have anymore kids I would like to foster or adopt not have more.

I finally said lets just run up to the store and get something and come back. He wanted me to go get it, I told him to come with me so I didn’t get lost or what. We had went to the little store once and I passed the house. I have never been there and it being dark.

The store was about to close when we got there so there was no one around. We went in I heard someone yelling but it was off I thought across the street at the little store. We came out and there was a man off on the other side of the parking lot screaming yelling and running around. I said to my friend is he fighting with himself or is someone over there? Then I seen there was no one he was just yelling and carrying on. He went around the truck to get in and I was trying to unlock doors when I heard someone behind me say some thing. I turned and looked, there was a lady there and she asked if we would walk her to her car it was over next to where the crazy guy was yelling and freaking out. I told her if she wanted to get in I would give her a ride over there but I wasn’t going to walk over there the way he was acting. She kind of thought about it for a second and said ok. She got in behind me and we drove her over there.

I wanted to back in beside her driver door so she could just get out and jump in her car but there wasn’t room. I got over close to the car and the guy started yelling and running at and around my truck. She was saying do I need to call the police and that she was scared. I told her to just wait I was going to turn around so I was right by the back of her car she could just get out and get in fast, that if he wouldn’t go away or started I would call them we would wait with her until they came. I pulled up open my window he was between my truck and her car. He wasn’t close enough to grab my door but not far he take a step or two he could. My friend yelled at me to close my window and opened his. He leaned out and over the truck and told him this lady just wanted to get in her car and that we would all leave and leave him alone. He started saying something to him and arguing. By now I am getting mad I rolled down my window again. He said ok he would move or something he was hard to understand sometimes. I said look you are between her car and my truck and right by her car. I said can you walk around to the other side of my truck until she can get in her car? I wanted him on the other side of the truck so that the truck would be between him and her it would take him a minute to get around the truck. Plus my friend would be on that said if he tried to start. The guy said I am leaving don’t worry about it. I am going far away I am going over here to blow up this liquor store. I said well we will be out of your way here in  just a second. He got down past the back of my truck and out in the parking lot farther away she jumped out got in her car and we all left. I don’t know what happen to him or what he done after that.

All I could think is this is great something is going to happen. He is going to try to block us and keep me from leaving and start I am going to have to run him over. Or he is going to start with this women and my friend is going to get out of the truck and there is going to be a fight. I wasn’t just going to leave the poor lady standing there unable to get to her car in an empty parking lot whatever happen. I figured if he started standing in front of my truck I would just back up but if he started with the women when she got out it would have been a fight because my friend would have gotten out and stopped him. I figured if he just wouldn’t go away and move we were just going to call the police. He did and he could have ran back up but I wasn’t that worried about it.

We went back to the house and I stayed for a little while then left. He wanted me to stay longer but I knew that wasn’t a good idea and he was falling a sleep. I find it funny he says he don’t want anything other than just friends but then when I am there he don’t want me to leave and always wanting me to stay the night and pulling me close and holding me when we are going to sleep. I don’t know I still don’t know I was going to bring stuff up and talk to him about things but then I didn’t and I don’t know why. I will probably go back up in a week or two and see him or meet him somewhere and talk to him then.

et cetera
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