{July 4, 2020}   So Far Gone

I have been dealing with a lot and blind sided by a lot the last month. Dealing with my depression on top of it I haven’t wanted to do anything but stay in my bed. I pretty much have. Other than going to work by to see J.W and that is about it. I have to force myself up and then physically hurt and feel sick all day and like I can’t keep my eyes open. By the time I go to bed at night I lay there toss, turn and dream all night and hardly sleep. I have tried going to bed earlier, later and even hooking the tv up. Nothing helps.

As bad as I have wanted to get on here and write I haven’t even been able to force myself. To do that. It’s just something else on my list of stuff to do. Yesterday I was so exhausted and overwhelm with everything, I just started crying on my drive home after work. I got to J.W’s job he was out front. He came over to talk for a minute. He open the door and was like what is wrong? All worried. Then we talked once he got off and we got to his house. I felt some better after we talked. Not better like everything is fine now or going to be alright. But just a release I guess of everything I have been dealing with and not dealing with that has been adding up. I did finally sleep last night. I woke up and was woken up a few times and dreamed some. But for the most part i slept and slept hard.

I didn’t get to see him or talk to him this morning. I had an 8 a.m at the clinic. It is closer to work than home and him. I could of stop on my way but it would of only been for seconds and that is it.  Not worth waking him up to come to the door and say hi and bye. Because that is all it would of been. That was a waste of time going to the clinic because I was the 2nd person there and signed in. They said computers were down but that was it. I figured they could give me my 9 months of pills anyway since they are filled and laying there. They do a test no computer needed just a cup pee and a stick. Then hand you the bag of pills. Well they start calling people to do their test. They took the one girl who was in front of me and then 3 who came after me. Then a lady comes out and says did they tell you the computers are down? I said so can they do anything or are we just waiting for them to come back up? She said no they couldn’t do anything they had to wait because all records are kept on the computer and not being able to see everything from before they can’t do anything. I waited until around 830 and left. I had to be at work in an hour I could of waited 30 more minutes or so. But even if I had they had not done anything for me and those other 4 were in front of me. So I would of been there well past time for me to be at work. I got to work about 45 minutes early and clocked in. That was that.

I called later to set up a new time told them I had left earlier and why. She said oh we got computers back about 9:15. So 15 minutes before I had to be at work. I am glad I hadn’t waited and left when I did. I am going late next Tuesday to work because I have to be at the place to get my eyes checked at 11:15. It is on the other end of the county from work and closer to home. It would make no since to go to just have to leave.

It has taken me 2 or 3 days just to write this. Friday was another shit show dealing with my “boss” i was so mad I left without even getting my purse. All I have done for days is cry or fight crying. I feel so alone and i dont even know what. Jw don’t get it. I don’t know how to explain it to him. I say I want to go to bed not get up he says go i need to rest. I say im dreading having to get up and function he laughs. I just want to lay down go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so far gone. I don’t even know if or how I can or will come through it or come out. I don’t really want to. I just want to be done. He says sorry. I just want to yell at him shut up you don’t fucking get it. But i know it isn’t his fault he is only trying to help.

I am so bad I don’t even want to go around him or talk to him. I have thought about telling him maybe we need to take a break. Or just forget it. At the same time i just want him to hold me and make me feel better.

I am so over this bitch in my house still have not gotten rid of here. Wish something would just happen or she would leave.  She brainwash the kids they are going to get sick die if they walk out of the house. I Don’t care im going to bring it home give it to them. Everything else. They are scared to get close to me. I don’t know how to get rid of her. I’ve tried everything. This virus bullshit don’t help.



{December 2, 2019}   R.I.P My Girl


This was probably one of the worst long holiday weekends we have had in a long time, maybe ever. Last Monday I had to take the dog to the emergency vet after my night job. I ended up leaving work at 11 that night to take her. She was having a lot of trouble getting up and moving around and fell and couldn’t get up. The kids got her in the house because she was outside. When I got there I tried to get her to get up and she wouldn’t or couldn’t. She would just move the front of her body around and try to drag or pull her back legs around. I put a blanket down to get her on to take her to the vet and she couldn’t get on it. She loves to ride but couldn’t even get up when I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride.

We finally got her on the blanket it and it took us a while to move her and get her into the car. We could hardly get her picked up. We could only get her a little piece and have to sit her down. When we got there they came out and got her on a stretcher. Once inside she got up and moved around for them some but still had problems and wasn’t to strong.

The vet came in and checked her out. He didn’t do x rays but really moved her legs around and checked her back and things really good. He seemed to think it was arthritis in her hips. We didn’t do x rays because she had problems a few years ago and they gave her meds and she was good in a few days and had not had problems since. They said in 3 to 4 days we should see an improvement.

By Friday she wasn’t doing better and the meds were not helping with pain for very long at all. She was needing it again well before time for her to have it again. I had pain meds they gave her before that she didn’t need all of so I called the drug store to see if she could take the two meds together and they said yes. I got home and told them to give her the pain med until I could call her vet and get her in the next morning.

I called them Saturday morning and they said they could get her in at 1. It took a bit to get her in the car again but she was more able to help us get her in there. We got there and she wouldn’t get out. I told oldest to go in and ask them to help us with her. While she was in there I finally got her to get out of the car. She wanted to walk all over but I got her to go in because I knew that she wasn’t going to walk around long or would fall down. I didn’t want her to get stuck outside. About the time we walked in they were coming from the back with a stretcher to get her in. They took us right into a room.

The tech came in and talked to us she said the vet would like xrays and blood work. We were fit in between appointments and late so it maybe a little bit before she could get in to see us but we could have this in the works and ready when she got in. I told them we would do the x ray but I wanted to talk to the doctor and wait for the blood work. By the time they got back to us the doctor came in with them. We talked and she took her to get the x rays. We really thought it was going to be her hips and she needed stronger medication.

They brought her back in and said her hips looked great, even for her age. Then they told us (oldest went with me) that it was her spine. They said it was getting narrow and it had arthritis in it and it was what was causing her to lose control and not be able to use her back legs. She said we could put her on stronger meds and pain meds and see how well we could manage it. But that it would not really improve her, she would most always need help getting up and getting around. They were talking about the stronger meds also would effect her organs and with her being older was more likely to happen and probably wouldn’t take long to. She also pointed out that the mass she has was kind of swollen and was at risk of busting open. She said she didn’t know if it was that way because she was just in heat and would go down or not. She said we would just have to watch it. She said that she would start to get pressure sores from not being able to move and things as well.

She didn’t just dump it all on us, she told me as I asked her questions and things. I just told her I was trying to figure out if the meds were going to help or just prolong things? That I didn’t want her to suffer but that I also didn’t want to rush to do anything if she had a chance of improving and doing alright if we just worked with her and gave her time.

She said that she felt at this time it would just be giving her quantity of life not quality. She told us we could take her home and come back later or another day to give us time and things. She said that honestly she felt it was time and that she felt she was ready. I told her I said I want to do what is best for her. I don’t want to take her home to just give us time and things when she is suffering. I just want to be sure we are doing the right thing. She said no she understood and answered all our questions and talked with us for a while. We decided it was best for her and that we needed go ahead and do it. We told the tech and she took her out and put the iv in. She said it would be a while before the vet could get to us she was in the other rooms seeing other animals. She asked if we would be ready when she was done or if we just wanted to leave her or let her know when we were ready. I told her we be okay let us know when the vet was ready.

My oldest decided she didn’t want to be there while they did it. I was fine with that. I have had to do this two other times and hate it but won’t just leave them alone while they do it and let them spend their last few minutes alone they been there so much for us.

In a little bit the tech and vet came back in. They had ice cream and cake or something on a plate for her. My oldest went out. She was on a big towel on the floor we were sitting on. They sat down on the floor with me and the dog. They gave her the plate of treats. She ate the cake up right away. Then she started on the ice cream. She ate a good amount of it. While she was eating it they gave her an injection to make her go to sleep as if they were going to do surgery on her. She went to sleep right away, they moved the plate over from her. She started to snore and was laying there so peacefully. Then the vet said she would give her the injection that would do it and it would be done with in just a minute or two. I told her okay. I sat there and pet her and held her head and they gave her the shot. In a minute she said it was done. I just cried we had cried the whole time we sat there petting her and talking to her. I looked at her and we all got up after a few minutes and I looked down at her. She looked like one of those huge stuffed animals that you see at the store. I just wanted to reach down grab her and cuddle her. I had to leave the room, I couldn’t sit there and see her like that.

We got home and I had to tell the kids she went to be with Sprite our dog that got hit a few years ago and passed. They are so upset. My Little Bitty said can we just get out of here and go do something? I don’t want to be in the house without her right now. The other kids all were upset as well.

My poor little Bitty cried and cried last night and all she has said since I told her is this is the worse time for this to happen. This is the worse day for this to happen. She needed to be here for Christmas, she was supposed to be here so she could see all the pretty Christmas stuff and lights and to get her gifts. Then she could go be with her and grandpa. I keep telling her that they are all together and happy watching over her. But she is still upset. It is understandable. I feel horrible for them.

We got her when my older two were 3 and 2. They picked her out when she was a few days old and brought her home at 8 weeks old, just a few days before Christmas. She been around pretty much all my kids lives. She loved them as much as they loved her. She has been apart of our family for 12 years. That is a long time and seems even longer for kids. I don’t know what breaks my heart more, wjat we had to do or for them to have to go through this again and with one they are so close to.

Little Bitty took her picture here and added to it as you can see.

Today Pops got to the shop late, it was after lunch. I told him I had to go over across the way to the vets a minute. It’s probably not even a quarter mile from our office now. When we move it will be even closer. But I ran over and picked up the paw print they made. I went in and told them what I was there for and everything. They went back and brought a little bag out. I didn’t even look in I went to leave. As I was walking across the parking lot back to the car I felt the bag and could tell there was more in it. About the that time it hit me. It was her collar and leash. Now I don’t know what to do with it. One thing the kids said was where is her collar? I told them I left it on her, left it with her. They said good we want it to stay with her. I was that way with my other dogs as well. I didn’t want their collars I felt they should be with them and one I had loved his collar he hated for you to take it off. He sit and wait for you to put it back on him.

So when I felt them in the bag today this oh no now what just came over me. My first thought was to throw them away but it just seems wrong to throw them away. I hate to take them home to the kids because I know it is going to upset them they wanted it to stay with her. Right now they are still in the bag with the print I have to figure out what to do with them before I go home tonight. If I had my truck I just toss them in one of the boxes or what and figure it out later but this car has no where to keep things. I wish I jad noticed inside I would of asked them to keep them. Just told them the kids wanted them to stay with her I didn’t want them to see them. I know I shhould just be the adult and get rid of them or what but I can’t and dont know what to do with them either. Getting rid of them feel like we just didn’t care or don’t care and that isn’t it at all. We just wanted them to stay with her and not to have them. There isn’t really anything we can do with them other than just have them laying around. I will probably just take them home and drop them in my trunk.

{October 24, 2019}   I Almost Cried

Yesterday after the awards at the school I left and I went and paid the water bill and the internet bill. I paid them both down to $0. I still have the light bill to pay on next week but when I do it will also be paid down to $0 balance.  The water bill was late the light bill will be on time. On time and paid in full!

I know that probably don’t sound like a lot to you all or your saying yeah so lots of people do that all the time or what. But for me that is a big deal and to know that I did it on my own, without having to borrow, or use my tax money, or money I got from here or there it huge.

In the last 7 years me and the kids were homeless two years in a row for Christmas. We got into this place March of 2014. Although we have had a place it has been a struggle to keep it and keep bills paid. Much less other things we need. I have worked two and three jobs at a time and just staying a step ahead from sinking. Get a step or so ahead or think I was and get knocked back down.

I don’t think I have had a $0 balance on my bills since I started services there 4.5 years ago. Other than if I got my tax money and was able to pay them up and then they were up there again in a month or two because I wan’t making enough to pay them off each month. I would shuffle money around to keep things going. Final notices got paid and everything else got shuffled until the magic letter came in the mail. Then I would have to borrow to get keep them going at times or we would do without other things or scrape by.

I was so happy and excited I almost cried when I paid the water bill it showed a $0 balance. It is so discouraging to pay it have them hand you the receipt and it have a balance on it over $100 and you just handed them $200 or more.

Needless to say my excitement quickly faded when I got to work and oldest messaged me and said oh did you get the note that was on the door yesterday?

I had no idea what she was talking about she sent me a picture it is a three day notice to pay or get out. I owe them $400 for “repairs” Because I have to pay $75 every time they have to send someone out. 99% of the time it is for the plumbing that they have been told over and over has a busted pipe. But they will not pay someone to check it out. They say I have to do that. I don’t have the money. So when it won’t drain at all I have to do something I call them they send their man he cleans the line and it drains for a bit and we do it over. If I have the money i pay it and when I don’t it sits there. Rent is paid on time every month has been for a while because it is the one thing I have no play with when it gets paid why everything else gets shuffled around. They can’t put me out over anything other than rent but they I guess took my rent money and put it on my fee’s so it shows I am behind on my rent. Since I paid by their card not a check or money order there isn’t much I can do about it. If I pay by check or money order and write for rent they can’t use it for anything else. Since it is on the card they can do what they want because it isn’t marked. But I have always done it like that and if it was paid on the first they just took it as rent. I have been paying $75, $25 a $100 extra a month but I don’t have it all I talked to them and that was fine because I gave them a chunk upfront. But then I had to call them since and they have a hair in their ass about something they did this and didn’t even say they were changing things up or nothing just come stick a note on the door. Now i am trying to figure out how to pay it before TOMORROW. If I had known I could of probably waited to pay those bills had a chunk of it now I paid them I don’t have any of it. If I get paid tomorrow that is food money and lights. I was going to ask my boss at my night job but he is out of town until Tuesday so that don’t help. I can probably get by until Monday but after that I will be in Trouble they will be back Monday if I don’t pay it that morning. Then it will cost more they add fee every time they have to come out there or what. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even if I worked doing pizza’s this weekend I won’t make near that much. I don’t know who else to ask to borrow it.

I am probably going to have to pawn my guns and then I am going to be in that cycle that I can’t get out of for a while end up costing me a ton of money in the end. I was feeling so good and so accomplished. That I was making progress, real progress I was going to have all the bills paid up and then be able to pay that $400 up. But it was costing me more to not pay the bills up first vs paying the rent up and I had made arrangments and was making payments. I was going to start paying extra to pay it up faster since I had bills paid up and wasn’t paying so much on them and late fee’s. I will work it out but I don’t know how and it feel knocked down and defeated again and like all my work was for nothing if I can’t come up with this last little $400.

{April 10, 2019}   Anxiety On High Today

I don’t know why my anxiety has been high since I left the house this morning. I don’t know why or what is going on. I was talking to Bff and I told her my chest hurts it feels like someone sitting on it or trying to crack my ribs open. My stomach was in knots too and I couldn’t figure out why.

My chest isn’t hurting as much and my stomach isn’t in knots like it was but I am feeling really emotional. I keep just wanting to cry over every little thing and nothing at all. I sit here and fight it and try to figure out why.

{August 7, 2018}   Back to Pizza’s

The lady from the pizza place messaged and ask if my truck was fixed if I wanted to work. I really really do not but I need to make some extra money here fast some how. I work Thursday and Friday. Not looking forward to it but its better than nothing I guess.

God I have to find a new job so I do not have to do this for long.

{May 1, 2017}   Mixed Emotions

I don’t know why I am having such mixed emotions. I feel like one minute I am pissed off in a rage, the next I don’t know what I feel numb maybe, then I am fighting to not just bust out crying. I think I am feeling sorry for myself and having a pity party, but that isn’t how it feels. I did not think I would still be bothered so much by this at this point. Most the time I just be mad for the day then move on. But I can’t seem to move on from this, I just don’t understand why. I think a lot is because everyone keeps talking about it, I’m worried about it because I have to figure out what to do for the summer now so I can go to work. How to get everything paid because he just wrote me a note to turn in to some places saying he was going to pay me every week now and things. That is cutting any help I get down about $200 now. I just don’t know what to do, I have to fix all that if I can. I have to go to all these places and get things taken care of.

I hate this feeling I am so mad at her about all this. I feel so betrayed and violated her knowing so much and now with him telling him everything. I feel like anything and everything in my head has been dumped in the street for everyone to see that I have nothing that is personal anymore. I feel like I don’t want to talk to anyone or tell anyone anything again. I feel so isolated and alone, and that I can’t trust anyone again. I can’t even explain it, it’s so confusing to me even. I feel angry at her at the same time I feel like i don’t even care about her anymore and it seems like how can I feel both or nothing at all. But I guess because I truly don’t care about her anymore, I could walk past her laying on the street an not think twice about her or offer to help. I still feel angry at her for what she did and being used.

My Big Boy keeps asking me mommy what’s wrong? Mommy why are you crying? I told him I wasn’t I was okay. He says but you look like your about to cry, I love you mommy. I know he does but I don’t feel loved by anyone, I don’t feel I matter to anyone, I don’t feel anyone cares. I just wish I could get over these feelings and go on with life. I want to go to the court house or child support and get this ball rolling but I had my test today and they are here now putting in my new door. Tomorrow I have two test and then therapy. I was thinking about not going back to therapy but I think maybe I should. Wednesday is half day at the school so I will not have time to get everything done I need to get done down there between the drive time there and back and the time I drop the kids off and pick them up. Thursday we have therapy and I have to be at the kids school all day. I guess I get to have another shitty Friday and deal with all this shit. I should know by then if he is going to show up and bring money this week or not. It don’t really matter if he does or not I am still going to go and have them take it right from his check and look at it to raise it to what he should have been paying all along. The only thing with that is it will cut everything else even lower but that is okay even if I just break even he will be doing his part and paying up. He won’t have all that extra money to blow on his whore.

I would love to take the kids drop them off and tell him it is his turn for a while and see how that goes over. He has no control over them and they will not listen to her after everything she has done. She will be losing her mind. See how long it is before she is leaving or he is bringing them back saying he can’t handle it.

I must get off here and finish my paper for school I just took my final in the class this morning I should have had it in last Monday and din’t. The teacher is cool and didn’t mind, I have just been so aggravated with everything, I almost don’t care about school anymore but I just keep telling myself it’s my way out just 12 more classes to go.

{June 19, 2015}   I’m Not Here

Don’t stand by my grave and weep

For I’m not there, I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamonds glint on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circle flight

I am the soft starts That shine at night

Do not stand by my grave and cry

I am not there, I did not die.


Author Unknown.


R.I.P Scott D. Never forgotten

{May 16, 2015}   Just Want A Normal Life

I just want to feel like I have a half way normal life. Not like everything is a mess and something else is about to fall apart any minute. Really right now everything is a mess and one thing after another keeps happening. I have been feeling a lot better since everything happen January and February. I feel I am able to move on a function again. But for the last few weeks I feel like I spend most days fighting back tears. Before I even realise it I’m in tears or about in tears. It just seems to happen randomly whatever I’m doing where ever I’m at. I noticed when I was working last weekend I was having trouble too. I had to go to a bunch of condo’s out on the beach to deliver flowers and they all had these little tiny elevators, it was all I could do to force myself to get in them and go up and then to come back down. I don’t like the little ones but will get one them. I really had to force myself to to get on them.

I was talking to my mom about it we were laughing and things. She hates them she will take the stares before she will get on one. I was almost in tears just talking to her about it. Thinking about having to go back the next day and deliver more.

I been thinking about it the last few days and I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before or know what was wrong but I am starting to have panic and anxiety attacks again. When everything is going on there are some things that I don’t like or care for that I just do and don’t bother me to much, but when I have them some of the same things set me off. Like the day after my dad passed we had to take my son to get his cast off and we got inside had to get on the elevator I couldn’t get on. I had to wait for father of the year to come inside and go up with us. I had a problem on one when we were going down to surgery they got us in and hit the button and after a few minutes we weren’t moving. It got to me. I think it bothers me more then because I don’t like being locked in and closed in but then when my like this it just feeds it.

I don’t know why I have started having them lately. It’s been a really long time since I had them. I use to have them all day everyday and just cry and cry. I think because I can’t find a job, trying to get everything straight and get in school. Then father of the year being such a ass fighting me on the divorce and pushing trying to take the kids and not helping take care of them. I got the rent covered and some paid on the bills but it is all going to run out in a few weeks and then I have no clue what to do from there. My mom wants me to move in with them I can’t do that. I can’t live with father of the year again for any reason. Not just because of me but because of my kids as well. My little guy keeps asking when daddy is coming home it would just confuse him more than to move again, it isn’t right to any of them. He shouldn’t be going through this now. If everything hadn’t happen the way it did it wouldn’t be odd that he isn’t here.

I just feel everything is out of control and I can’t get any of it under control. The house got messy through December when we were trying to get things done for the holidays. Mostly there at the end the last few weeks, days. Then we went right into New Years and found all this out about my dad New years day. To say the least from that point on the house was the least of my worries. So it slowly went from being messy or stuff being out of places disorganised to full blown wreck everything is out of place and turned upside down. Least for the most part it is clean. Other than the floors really need to be mopped right now. I have been avoiding it because even as soon as your done mopping them they don’t look clean I hate mopping. It’s all tile from one end of the house to the other, I think tile is one of the worse things you can put in a house. Other than the floors everything just needs gone through and gotten rid of and moved to it’s right place since we have moved stuff all around as well.

But I feel like I can’t even get a grip on the house much less everything else. I feel like I can’t get past the cooking, mopping, washing clothes, bathrooms, and over all picking up everyday stuff to tackle the rest of the stuff that needs to be done. We got the outside picked up for the most part there are still little things out there to be done but not much. I just wish I could have a few days without the kids and other things to do and someone to help me just once and for all go through this and get it done.

Even the kids I feel I have lost control of them and can’t get it back. They have chores we set up a while back they are supposed to do. Some every daily some weekly. They just refuse to do them. No mater what I say, do, take away, give, don’t give they just act as if I didn’t say anything and do nothing. Then they complain to father of the year they have to do chores they have to clean the house and do it all. Their chores consist of……

Washing drying folding and putting away their own clothes once a week or as needed, washing their sheets and blankets once a week, one dose the dishes each day through out the day the other vacuums they house once a day, they have to help pick up the stuff around the house that gets laid around, pick up dry up the bathroom when they get out of shower, keep their rooms picked up, feed the dogs take them out, do their school work.

Most of this is pretty simple common since pick up keep up after yourself. The other is your part of a family it’s a lot to keep up with a house and no one person should have to do it on their own so everyone chips in and helps. They agreed to the chores and helped decide who did what with some of them because they didn’t want to take turns doing them.

Now when I tell them to do them they just walk off, whine complain or ignore me. Like they shouldn’t have to do anything. I get so mad but whatever I try to get them to do them don’t work they could careless. I almost feel like I am still living with father of the year because they are starting to act just like him. Of course they have learned from the best what else should I expect. I get to the point that if they don’t care and want to live in a mess then why should I care and pick it all up and do it all after them? But I can’t stand the mess and it just makes me mad. I end up just going to my room.

I just don’t know how to get any of it back under control. Between that and the stress of everything else it is no wonder I would start having them again.


{April 1, 2015}   Emotional Today

Feeling very emotional today and really don’t know why. Been fighting not to cry all day. It’s funny because other than that I feel pretty good and ready to get things done.

et cetera
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