Just Want A Daddy

Last night I laid there and held Mr. 8 while he cried his eyes out wanting his daddy. He asked if I could get a phone number for him. I told him he was supposed to give it to us and his address but that he did not give it to us he didn’t want us to have it. I also told him how he ran and hid when he seen me and oldest in the store.

He was talking about us going camping and said something about Sleeping Beauty going. I told him I did not know if he was going to go or not. He said but he said he would. I said I know what he said but I don’t know if he really is. We will see, he wants to we have to see what is going on when we decide to go if he can. Because we were talking about going camping before we were supposed to be together and he told the kids after so I don’t know what he is thinking. It wasn’t just us going it was us Bff, her aunt and him so just a big group trip and she even said something to the guy who’s house we were at the other night about going since then. But I don’t want Mr. 8 to get his hopes up that he is going to go and then be upset he don’t for whatever reason.

He laid there and cried and cried and started talking about if daddy was going to go to heaven again because he could see him there. I told him that was a long time away before he would be going to heaven and his dad would be going not to worry about that right now. I don’t know what to say to him or tell him. He asked me if he could give him a hug if we seen him somewhere or ran into him. I told him of course. That is when I told him that he ran away when he seen oldest in the store so I didn’t know if he would talk to us or not. He just cried and told me he just wants a daddy.

Little Bitty told me the other day I wish my daddy would come over and take care of me when you had to work. That way I wouldn’t have to go to work with you and I could see him and spend time with you.

This is killing me I woke up sick this morning stressed from it all. I have been sick all day thinking about it all. It is just one of them things that I can’t fix or do anything about for them. When me and Sleeping Beauty were supposed to be together it was like okay he isn’t daddy, I’m not looking to replace their dads but at least he cares about them, he wants to do things with them and fill in that void with them. After a while he would be that for them if it worked out and things they are young and they know who is there and who isn’t. It wouldn’t fix it 100% but at least it would be a big difference for them and for him too because he loves kids so much and wants kids and the feelings he has about his kids. They would help each other without even trying or knowing if that makes since.

I have thought about talking to Sleeping Beauty just asking him if he wants to be there for them, do things with them or what. Like the camping, or showing them how to do things or just being someone they can talk to when mom won’t do. But he has to be consistent he can’t tell them he is going to do something and not do it or what.

I don’t know. I don’t have that friend, dad, brother or what to help and fill that roll. Out of all the guys I know he is the one that is more into kids and doing things with them and wanting to do things and really cares. I mean like the one he isn’t in to kids around, he is more of a keep kids out of it what is between us is that and the less the kids know the better. I understand because he isn’t looking for a relationship and I don’t want them in it either because of it. If we were together he would be good with me kids and do things but if he isn’t he isn’t interested in that kind of things. I understand I don’t want to take more kids on than my own. My “friend” he is okay with kids but he is use to being on his own and just the one and he just awkward I guess when it comes to kids that aren’t his. Other than that I have my male bff but he is busy working all the time like me and has his wife and 5 little boys at home of his own he hardly gets to see. He don’t have time.

I think I should just leave it alone let it all play out however it is going to but I feel so bad for them. I just want life to straighten out and to catch some kind of break. My kids to just be happy for a change.

Tell Her I am Her Dad

Wednesday night when we were all out BFF said something about she would do a lot of things different in life if she could go back or had known.

I said I think about it but I couldn’t if because if I did then I wouldn’t have things I have now and…

She said I wouldn’t trade my kids or change that. I would still have them.

Sleeping Beauty said he would he would was talking about how his kids are. That you know the one says she wants to get to have a dad and get to know him but then tells him he ask to many questions and gets mad when he won’t hand over money every time she decides she needs it. He said he knew it had a lot to do with him not being there and how she was raised. He said he wasn’t allowed to see his kids and things back when she was little.

I said see I have never and will never tell mine they can’t see their kids I have all but begged them to be in their kids lives and they do what they have. It kills me because of the kids and that there are other guys who would kill to be in their kids lives and can’t and have to fight like hell to get anytime with them. They could careless about theirs and how they do them and act like it is no big deal.

I said something about how Little Bitty is bent on I need to find her daddy for her and let her talk to him and that she needs to get to know him and things. I don’t know how he is going to react if I was to get a hold of him and things.

Sleeping Beauty said you know how we can handle that don’t you? I said how? He said tell her she did meet her daddy already, it was me. He said she will be like oh hell no and not want anything else to do with getting a hold of him if she thinks it is me, she hates me. He said tell her she can have that $400 princess car too but I am the new babysitter. She will stop talking about that real fast too. I said she don’t hate you. He said she does if I give her the tv, phone and computer back and let her stay up as late as she wants she would be my best friend but since I told her she couldn’t do that stuff she hates me. It really bothers him that she don’t like him. He don’t understand that she really is not use to having a guy in around or anyone around that wants to have any kind of involvement in their life and really be there for them and be a friend. If he had stuck around and was around more things would change.

We are all talking about getting together and taking the kids camping here soon and we were talking about if he comes and things. Little Bitty won’t like it but I think she will come around when we are out of the house away from things and just having fun and doing things.

I honestly think that is a big thing with him and his comments and then backing off as well. The fact of the way she feels and things toward him. I don’t know if it just bothers him that much or if he feels that I would call things off over the way she feels for some reason. I wouldn’t because I know why she “don’t like” him. It isn’t anything bad it is because of just what I said she isn’t use to anyone else but me. Hell I hated my step dad when he moved in and raised 100 kinds of hell with him for a while before we came to a even playing field and even then I keep him on his toes at times. I never called him my dad. For me that was a huge or the thing he was not my dad and he was not going to act like it in any way shape or form. After I got older a lot older, like adult older or close to it I came around by then he was out of the picture and not living with us anymore but I realized a lot seen a lot and well it is just part of getting older and growing up.

I see how it is hard for kids in that spot being there as a kid myself and not being able to explain how you feel or why. I can understand how it feels from being the adult and put in that spot with kids and them not liking you or wanting you around. After going through it with RC’s kids. But we told them from start I am not trying to take moms place I am just here to take care of you when mom isn’t and when you are with dad. I love you and will treat you just the same as my kids and help you but I know you have mom and mom comes first. But for kids that is still hard to understand. I know my step dad knew i had a dad but I didn’t care.

I had another friend tell me to let him know he would talk to Little Bitty on the phone and tell  her he was her dad and talk to her like he was. He just tell her since he was out of state they could only talk on the phone not see each other.

I can’t do that to her. I know they don’t mean no harm or in a bad way they are just trying to be helpful and feel bad for her. But going about it that way is not the way to go. If they wanted to step up and say hey I’m not your dad but I am here for you if you need to talk, want to do something or just need a dad like person for something that would be fine. That wouldn’t bother me but doing something like they said I can’t do, I can’t lie to my kid and I am not going to do something that can or will hurt her more in the long run when she finds out. I am not asking or expect them to do that.

Yesterday 10/25/18

Yesterday would of been my daddy’s 66th birthday. I can not believe I have been 3 years without him. I miss him just as if it was last week. We didn’t do much, me and oldest went to the store late the night before (Tuesday) and after being in there only a matter of minutes I was so sick. My head was hurting so bad the lights driving home hurt my eyes. The light from my phone was horrible and if I tried to scroll up and down or side to side anything I couldn’t stand it, I had to close my eye. I went straight to bed.

When I got up the next moring to get the little ones ready for school it was still hurting. Not as bad but still pretty bad. I had oldest walk them over let them get breakfast and take them to class and mostly just slept for the day. It finally went away.

I have no idea what broughtbit on so fast and so bad. I didn’t notice a smell or sound in the store and oldest said she felt fine. It was odd.

After I picked the kids up at school I took them to the park for a while. We ended up being there for 2 hours or more. We went and explored a park we had never been to. It was nice and fun.

There was a trail to walk that goes out to big ponds with little docks and there was two areas to bring dogs too. One had a big fence the other has a lower fence. I would have to take my to crazy beast in the one with the higher fence so they do not jump out and run away. They also had some great places to take pictures of the kids. I think I took a few hundred shots why we were there. Some posed some just random.

My little guy decided to climb the tree he got about halfway up and got scared. The older kids had to get him down because he was over our heads and they are taller. In a little bit he decided to try again. He got a little higher and came down. He kept going back trying again and a again. Me and the girld went back over to the park the boys stayed by the water and the trees. In a little bit I hear mommy come look!!

I turn around and look and I can see him in the top of the tree out on a branch sitting like he is riding a horse and holding onto another playing with it. I ran over and took pictures. I had the other kids stand under the tree look up so you can see how high up he was. He thought it was great I am just thinking how is he going to get down? In a minute I started taking pictures of the other kids there doing something and he comes running up. In like a minute or so he was down. He climbed it a few times he is so proud of himself. I am to overcoming his fear that fast and how fast he gets up there and down wow.

I told him he takes after his Grandpa, he was a tree climber and cutter most my life. He worked for the power company here keeping the trees out of the powerlines or getting them out. He did a lot of side jobs when I was little as well and we would help him.

Boy I sure miss my dad its just this empty spot something is missing.

What Do You Say When Your Child Says….

That one word or phrase that shakes you to your core? You have no iddea how to handle it or where to turne.

Laying in bed my little guy out of no where says to me…..

Mommy do you go to hell if you commit suicide?

I was confused as to where this was coming from and have very mixed ffeelings aabout the ansswer. But my brain screamed yes and it. Is what came out as an ansswer.

He said okay and rolled back over. I ask why he askedand where this came from.

He said his friend in k was talking about someone who done it and that is what his teacher told them.

Then he said I use to thhink about it when I was in 1st grade but I don’t anymorre. I asked why he would want to do that he just say he was mad or he would get really angry and would want to. But kept saying I don’t. Now, I don’t anymore and that. Was just when I was in first grade. He said I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep now.

They have not been to therapy since 2016 right after Father of The Year left. I feel they need to go but hadn’t found somewhere that would be good. They didn’t have insurance for a while. I feel I need to start taking them again and him for sure after that, but I am scared what they are going to say. I do not want them to blow it out of proportion try to take him and put him somewhere. I don’t know how they will or do handle things like that. I don’t want them to feel that i have done something and cause problems but I want him to get the help he needs. If i have to jump through hoops because they think it is somethimg that came from my house that is fine. But they can not put him somewhere he is to little and not in need of that kind of help. It would do much more harm than good with his seperation anxiety. Amd he would be so lost and scared somewhere like that he never dealt with anything like those places or being away from his family even over night. He is so sensitive it just be really bad for him all around.

He ask me all the time is daddy going to heaven so that I can at least see him there?

I found this to be such an odd thing to be asked but he is a very out of the box thinker I guess you could say. I didn’t think much of it. Now he said this and I have to wonder.

Re:Disclaimer

I found this tonight while looking back at some of my first blog post. This was one of my first 15/20 post Disclaimer.

I read it and it all pretty much still rings true. Only thing that has changed is the fact that yeah he is a horrible person.

Call My Dad So I Can Talk

Last night laying in bed with little bitty daddies came up. She said deadbeat didn’t like me so he left. Meaning me not her. I told her no he left for other reasons. That was not her dad. So then she wanted to know who he was and everything.

I told her his name and pulled up pictures of him on my phone and showed her. All things I have done before. But she was littler then. She asked about him more we talked. She then asked if we coukd call him today? She wants to talk to him and get to know him. She wants to tell him she is about to lose her first tooth and about her dogs and school. I told her I did not have a number for him. She said it was okay she would dream of it when she went to sleep and tell me what it was when she got up. I told her okay and that maybe we could send him a message one day too if she really wanted to get a hold of him. She said okay. So far today she had not said anything to me about him. I forgot to ask oldest if she did her or not. I will have to in the morning.

I can’t catch a break with the daddies this week. But if she ask more I will contact him for her. Pray for the best for her.

Not My Best Week Ever

This past Thursday was 3 years that I lost my daddy to cancer and it wasn’t any easier than the day it happen. I don’t know why I was thinking it was Friday not Thursday and I was kind of mentally trying to prepare myself. It seemed to be working, until I figured out it was Thursday I was wrong. Wednesday was a ruff day, I’m not sure why, I went did my prints for my background check, for my internship and then to my therapy appointment at 1. I went with a friend to lunch in between then went to the shop. I was just not in a good mood just really down feeling as the day went on. I went right in at the shop and started pulling everything apart and cleaning. I did all the rugs and pulled them up tossed them outside and did the floors all around, then brought the rugs back in laid them out and did them again and put everything up and away. After that I just sat there listening to music and looking for jobs on youtube. I had text her about the job I interviewed for.

In a little while the boss came in said he was leaving I started to get up to get my stuff together and go he said the other guy was going to lock up about 4:30 and left. I thought he was going to lock the office up before he left but he was just telling me he was leaving for the day. I just sat there thinking about things and not really doing much of anything. By the time I left I was in tears. In a little bit he came in said he was locking up ask if I was ready and set the alarm. I grabbed my bag and went out. I stopped outside the door to close my bag he seen I was upset. He was asking me what was wrong? He was calling me he said you know I love you? Do you need to talk? I said no I love you too x I’m okay. He hugged me and we started walking out to the fence to lock it up and go to where the cars are all parked. He was saying is it this, that, boyfriend? Kids? If you need to talk I am here. I said it’s okay just stuff from the past. He said okay and we went on. I figured the bosses wife would be calling me to see what was wrong she is my BFF and he lives with them. He is one of the kids and he gets worried about everyone or if something is wrong. I figured he say something to her. He just turned 21, he been in trouble in the past and don’t have a family. They have known him for a little while and he is trying to get on the right track and get his little boy back since his mom lost him and signed up her rights to him. They are helping him, so we know each other out side work and things.

That night my friend the one that my my BFF introduced me to and was trying to get me to go out with before we knew how broken he really was and his problems. He messaged me and was trying to talk I did a little but not a lot. He said something about needed to talk. I told him if he needed to talk he could call me. He called me in a little bit and said no I was asking if you needed to talk something is wrong and we talked for a little while but I didn’t tell him what was wrong either. I just didn’t really want to talk about it.

Then next day I just was not in a good mood very down and depressed, I been fighting the urge to drink since the day before. I messaged my friend ask her if she wanted to go to lunch I was hiding at the time. She said she could’t she had things to do. I told her I wanted to go to lunch I needed some drinks she said no we would go later that night. I told her I couldn’t go that night but it was okay. I was talking to my Good friend that I talk to all the time and he was getting ready to go to work. I stopped by his house for a little bit. Sat there talking to him some. He said come here I know what you need he pulled me up and gave me a hug. He said your doing it all on your own and it’s hard I been there. I just burst into tears. I am, I am tired, it is part of what is wrong on top of everything else.

My friend called me in a little bit I answered she said lets go to lunch. She said she talked to her aunt and they had things to do but they were going to go to lunch first because they knew something war wrong. I told her lets go to the pizza place in the village and to meet me at the shop and pick me up. The shop is on her way to her aunts and the pizza place and wasn’t far from where I was. I told her I wanted to have some drinks that I was going to park my truck at the shop then go back there for a while before I had to go home. That way by then I would be okay to drive. She said okay. I dropped my truck off and we went to lunch. I only had one drink a Jack and Coke.

  boy it was strong, I told them I don’t think they gave me any Coke with my Jack. I wanted something else but by the time I was ready for something else we were done eating we were in a hurry to get other things done. I ended up going to storage with them and helping them get that sorted out and somewhat organized so it can be gone through more later.

She said at one point that her husband, my boss asked if I was okay and what was going on I guess he could tell I was upset when he left and then the kid told him I was crying when we left. But she has been dealing with some things with one of her older girls so I hadn’t said anything to her. She still don’t know what all is going on or wrong. I just been trying to be there for her and her daughter as much as I can because I would never want to go through what they are going through and I can’t say I would trade what I was upset about with what is going on.

But I did make it through the day and feeling a little better now that it is Sunday. I had plans for things to do Friday but didn’t get to do them and didn’t really feel like it since it wasn’t the day I thought it was and couldn’t really do them Thursday. I may do them at a later time I don’t know yet. I am still a little aggravated but from other things now I think more than being upset about the day.

 

All Families Look Different

Yesterday I had to have a talk with Miss. Little Bitty, she got in the truck from school and started talking about her teacher and her and how they have a daddy that does this and that. How lucky they were to have a daddy at their house. I have told her that Father of the Year is not her dad I always tell her when she says it and have told her, her dads name. But she has never really asked about him, she has talked about his what his house is like I just told her I didn’t know he lived far away now I had not seen it or talked to him in a long time.

Friday I just told her that all families look different, some just have a mommy, some just have a daddy, others have grandma’s and grandpa’s while some have an aunt or uncle. I told her that sometimes daddies do things or are around people that the kids shouldn’t be and so they keep it away from the kids to keep them safe. I told her it isn’t just daddies, sometimes mommies do the same thing. I told her she don’t have to worry I would never leave her and would always be her for her.

I told her that I knew that her daddy thought about her a lot and that he loved her even if he wasn’t here to tell her or be with her. I told her that maybe some day he would come back down this way and she would get to meet him or that she could maybe try to find him when she was older and contact him. She just said okay that she loved me and was glad that I was her mommy. She so little but smart as a whip, I was a little surprised that she didn’t ask if she could try to get a hold of him right now but she didn’t. I know she is still a little confused with Father of the Year and her dad since she hasn’t seen him. But she understands her dad is someone different than him. I have heard her telling the other kids since our first talk before that she had a different dad and things.

Your Not A Man Or A Daddy

You call yourself a “man” and a “daddy” but you are far from either one. You are a selfish coward. No man or daddy is going to disappear, not telling anyone you are living or change your number so that no one can get a hold of you not even if there was an emergency. A man does not leave owing his children months of child support and needing things all to be with some whore, I would same women but that isn’t fitting because that she is not. But I should not be surprised because she didn’t even raise her own three kids, she dumped them with whatever guy would claim them because she didn’t know who the fathers were and still don’t. She was never there for hers and now your going to tag along with her and do the same to yours. While everyone tells you how happy they are for you and what you deserve and all that why don’t you tell them how you make close to a grand a week and your kids don’t see a dime. Why don’t you tell them how you have never walked out of my house with them for a day much less a weekend like your supposed to have them in years. Why don’t you tell them how the one time you seen your kids since you left they sat in the truck calling you daddy, daddy wanting you to walk over and talk to them and you hid and called the police all because I came to ask you for the money you owed your children so they could have food on the table and lights for another month. Tell them how when I left there and had to stop at my grandmas house she paid the light bill so your children would have lights and their grandma bought food for them. Before anyone starts talking about me tell them how I had $4000 in the bank and money to cover my bills until I had to use it all to pick up the slack from you not paying. Tell everyone how your son has done so good with his separation and abandonment anxiety for the last year and now goes into full blown anxiety attacks. Something no six year old should have to deal with at this age over someone who calls their self a daddy or man. But wait you wouldn’t know how he has been doing with any of it because they are lucky to see you for more than an hour or two a month. They have end of year field trips, awards and kindergarten graduation all the next two weeks but you don’t care. Your to busy drinking and drugging it up (yes your catch told me about your habit) and everyone in town knows what you say about me, But you know what that is okay if they want to believe your lies over the truth when they have no clue what is going on so be it no lose to me. All I have to say is it’s funny if I am all that you say I am and have people bleiving that I am then how come I am the only one that is here 24/7 365 days a year, why does the doctor probably not even know who you are, why has their therapist not seen you in years, why has the only time the school seen you is when you want to make a show at the older kids school and act like you care. They are all sitting back laughing at you because they know they never see you and how un involved you are. The little kids school said who oh yeas he was here once with them for something. You just keep snowing all who never see you and have no real idea of what is going on in your life but for the ones that are hear everyday and see every day what is going on and the ones that have been here from the start all know the truth. While you say your craigslist meet up was a one time thing I know it wasn’t. Did you forget the time in Palm Bay when Big Guy was a baby and you used someone else work computer and left your email pulled up and signed in. Well yeah it was all right there where you were talking to them had met up with them and was making plans to again and to meet up with different ones as well. Everyone knows how your going through $100 to $250 a day hookers and drugs aren’t cheap. To anyone that has read this far you know what I do not normally post things like this and put it all out there for all to see, but I am so tired of how he just walks away from his kids for weeks at a time only to call and text once in a while and how he makes himself out to be such a wonderful loving caring daddy who does so much for kids and takes care of them so well because that is the farthest thing from the truth and has been pretty much always been. There is so much more i could tell because people don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. This is just a little tiny tiny glimpse of what really goes on and what kind of dad and man he really is.

A Message

I have looked on my oldest account a few times to see if Father of the Year posted anything about moving or anything like that. I just look from my phone and go on. I would rather have him served at home than at his job, I know it should’t matter but I don’t like doing things at peoples jobs and don’t need him to lose his job.

Today I was sitting here at my computer and logged in to look figuring it is the weekend and he is off today maybe he say something about moving in a new place or something. I see she has a new messaged so I just pulled it down to see who it was from and see my mom had messaged her then there was one under that. I pulled it down a little more and see it was Father of the Year on May 6th. He says I love you kids, tell the other kids I love them and I hope to see you kids soon. It struck me as funny the way it was worded, that isn’t it word for word because the way he said it I can’t even remember it was so off. My oldest says oh okay tell him I love him too I guess. I said that’s all? She said yeah I don’t really feel anything about what he is doing.

I tell Big Boy he says oh I love him too, I miss daddy. He has told me and the therapist two days a week when we go since he left how he feels ab-banded, left, angry, sad, and a ton of other things. I said you don’t want to write him the letter you say you want to write since he will get it on here? No that’s all.

I tell my Big Guy he wrote her and what he said, he says I love him too I tell him he is the best daddy I ever had. This is the one with full blown panic and anxiety attacks over all this.

Maybe its wrong of me but I don’t tell him shit, I marked it as unread and logged out. They are free to log on and talk to him tell him whatever they want to tell him.

I am trying so very hard not to be mad or upset about it but I am. I don’t know what I am more mad and upset about, them acting as if he did nothing and we weren’t just sitting here trying to figure out how to keep the lights on and how to get food for the week. I don’t know if I am more mad at the fact that we talk all the time about not letting people treat you any way they want and say nothing about and put up with it. That it don’t matter if it is friend or related people don’t treat you any way they want and you are just say nothing. Just like the kids who put his hands on my oldest and she said and did nothing, it is no different your not a door mat, your not a punching bag, your feelings matter, your wants, needs, dreams matter. You are not here to make anyone happy but your self and your children if you have them and that isn’t even going to be an all the time thing. Once you are happy then everyone else should be happy for you.

I’m mad that he walks around and does this and acts like he can do whatever he wants to whoever he wants and no one says nothing to him at all. Everyone tells him how happy they are for him he found someone, everyone tells him how he should be happy. No one knows the truth no one knows what went down, no one knows how he treats his kids no one knows he don’t support his kids half the time, no one knows they sit here doing without worried if there is going to be lights tomorrow or food on the table this week. No one knows that they do because he skips paying for weeks or months at a time so I am spending my money to pay everything until it’s gone way sooner than it should be. Although he skips weeks and months at a time he pays it back a couple dollars here and a couple dollars there so we don’t do anything but almost float and can never get our money back in savings and have everything paid up on time in full. It pisses me off no one says anything to him and lets him walk around like he is the best father in the world and was the best husband and I’m just the bitch that left him and screwed him. For that matter I did not screw him in anyway, I gave him the house moved out of it and gave it to him and he lost that. I don’t say anything why he pays support on half what he is making to help him out and he can’t even pay that and screws everyone over in the end there too.

I am just pissed off that the kids say nothing. I am trying so very hard to not be mad at them and trying so hard to just have a good mothers day but after seeing that hearing that and everything else it is hard. I sat here and cried, yes the one who doesn’t cry according to everyone else. I know they are kids I know they do not understand I know that is their dad. If they had not said anything about anything that was going on and the one wasn’t having full blown anxiety over it all and they really didn’t have anything to say or feel anyway or the other would be one thing. But when they sit here tell me how mad they are and how hurt they are and upset they are and how him and Wanda done them but then say nothing he just says hey its me after weeks of blowing you off moving not giving you my address, changing my number and everything I’m back nothing happen.

I’m really not mad at them I am just pissed off the way he does. I am pissed off he just walks around does whatever the fuck he wants in life can have a life and pretends to be daddy when and if it fits his time. While I sit here busting my ass to make sure my kids have everything they need, get to do clubs and things and can’t ever have a few minutes just to catch my breath and if i ask or want to do something I’m told how its not right or how I should be with my kids. I am just tired and maybe I am wrong for feeling any of this and maybe its all me like everyone says I don’t know. I am just so done and so ready to throw in the towel and say forget it all. I want to be happy for a change not just happy we are barely surviving but truly happy and not have a worry in the world. I feel bad for saying that because I love my kids and would do anything for them. But like I said I am tired. I don’t need to dump my kids on someone else to be happy, I could be happy with my kids really. I am happy with my kids. I am just not happy about the way things are. If the court order was followed as it is supposed to be then I could be happy with life not just happy with my kid. I could be happy because I would have my part of things covered, I would know that their dad was stepping up to the plate and being daddy making sure he paid his part to make sure they had the things they needed and wanted. He would step up to the plate and take them on his weekends and I would have that chance to breath.