Just Want A Daddy

Last night I laid there and held Mr. 8 while he cried his eyes out wanting his daddy. He asked if I could get a phone number for him. I told him he was supposed to give it to us and his address but that he did not give it to us he didn’t want us to have it. I also told him how he ran and hid when he seen me and oldest in the store.

He was talking about us going camping and said something about Sleeping Beauty going. I told him I did not know if he was going to go or not. He said but he said he would. I said I know what he said but I don’t know if he really is. We will see, he wants to we have to see what is going on when we decide to go if he can. Because we were talking about going camping before we were supposed to be together and he told the kids after so I don’t know what he is thinking. It wasn’t just us going it was us Bff, her aunt and him so just a big group trip and she even said something to the guy who’s house we were at the other night about going since then. But I don’t want Mr. 8 to get his hopes up that he is going to go and then be upset he don’t for whatever reason.

He laid there and cried and cried and started talking about if daddy was going to go to heaven again because he could see him there. I told him that was a long time away before he would be going to heaven and his dad would be going not to worry about that right now. I don’t know what to say to him or tell him. He asked me if he could give him a hug if we seen him somewhere or ran into him. I told him of course. That is when I told him that he ran away when he seen oldest in the store so I didn’t know if he would talk to us or not. He just cried and told me he just wants a daddy.

Little Bitty told me the other day I wish my daddy would come over and take care of me when you had to work. That way I wouldn’t have to go to work with you and I could see him and spend time with you.

This is killing me I woke up sick this morning stressed from it all. I have been sick all day thinking about it all. It is just one of them things that I can’t fix or do anything about for them. When me and Sleeping Beauty were supposed to be together it was like okay he isn’t daddy, I’m not looking to replace their dads but at least he cares about them, he wants to do things with them and fill in that void with them. After a while he would be that for them if it worked out and things they are young and they know who is there and who isn’t. It wouldn’t fix it 100% but at least it would be a big difference for them and for him too because he loves kids so much and wants kids and the feelings he has about his kids. They would help each other without even trying or knowing if that makes since.

I have thought about talking to Sleeping Beauty just asking him if he wants to be there for them, do things with them or what. Like the camping, or showing them how to do things or just being someone they can talk to when mom won’t do. But he has to be consistent he can’t tell them he is going to do something and not do it or what.

I don’t know. I don’t have that friend, dad, brother or what to help and fill that roll. Out of all the guys I know he is the one that is more into kids and doing things with them and wanting to do things and really cares. I mean like the one he isn’t in to kids around, he is more of a keep kids out of it what is between us is that and the less the kids know the better. I understand because he isn’t looking for a relationship and I don’t want them in it either because of it. If we were together he would be good with me kids and do things but if he isn’t he isn’t interested in that kind of things. I understand I don’t want to take more kids on than my own. My “friend” he is okay with kids but he is use to being on his own and just the one and he just awkward I guess when it comes to kids that aren’t his. Other than that I have my male bff but he is busy working all the time like me and has his wife and 5 little boys at home of his own he hardly gets to see. He don’t have time.

I think I should just leave it alone let it all play out however it is going to but I feel so bad for them. I just want life to straighten out and to catch some kind of break. My kids to just be happy for a change.

Tell Her I am Her Dad

Wednesday night when we were all out BFF said something about she would do a lot of things different in life if she could go back or had known.

I said I think about it but I couldn’t if because if I did then I wouldn’t have things I have now and…

She said I wouldn’t trade my kids or change that. I would still have them.

Sleeping Beauty said he would he would was talking about how his kids are. That you know the one says she wants to get to have a dad and get to know him but then tells him he ask to many questions and gets mad when he won’t hand over money every time she decides she needs it. He said he knew it had a lot to do with him not being there and how she was raised. He said he wasn’t allowed to see his kids and things back when she was little.

I said see I have never and will never tell mine they can’t see their kids I have all but begged them to be in their kids lives and they do what they have. It kills me because of the kids and that there are other guys who would kill to be in their kids lives and can’t and have to fight like hell to get anytime with them. They could careless about theirs and how they do them and act like it is no big deal.

I said something about how Little Bitty is bent on I need to find her daddy for her and let her talk to him and that she needs to get to know him and things. I don’t know how he is going to react if I was to get a hold of him and things.

Sleeping Beauty said you know how we can handle that don’t you? I said how? He said tell her she did meet her daddy already, it was me. He said she will be like oh hell no and not want anything else to do with getting a hold of him if she thinks it is me, she hates me. He said tell her she can have that $400 princess car too but I am the new babysitter. She will stop talking about that real fast too. I said she don’t hate you. He said she does if I give her the tv, phone and computer back and let her stay up as late as she wants she would be my best friend but since I told her she couldn’t do that stuff she hates me. It really bothers him that she don’t like him. He don’t understand that she really is not use to having a guy in around or anyone around that wants to have any kind of involvement in their life and really be there for them and be a friend. If he had stuck around and was around more things would change.

We are all talking about getting together and taking the kids camping here soon and we were talking about if he comes and things. Little Bitty won’t like it but I think she will come around when we are out of the house away from things and just having fun and doing things.

I honestly think that is a big thing with him and his comments and then backing off as well. The fact of the way she feels and things toward him. I don’t know if it just bothers him that much or if he feels that I would call things off over the way she feels for some reason. I wouldn’t because I know why she “don’t like” him. It isn’t anything bad it is because of just what I said she isn’t use to anyone else but me. Hell I hated my step dad when he moved in and raised 100 kinds of hell with him for a while before we came to a even playing field and even then I keep him on his toes at times. I never called him my dad. For me that was a huge or the thing he was not my dad and he was not going to act like it in any way shape or form. After I got older a lot older, like adult older or close to it I came around by then he was out of the picture and not living with us anymore but I realized a lot seen a lot and well it is just part of getting older and growing up.

I see how it is hard for kids in that spot being there as a kid myself and not being able to explain how you feel or why. I can understand how it feels from being the adult and put in that spot with kids and them not liking you or wanting you around. After going through it with RC’s kids. But we told them from start I am not trying to take moms place I am just here to take care of you when mom isn’t and when you are with dad. I love you and will treat you just the same as my kids and help you but I know you have mom and mom comes first. But for kids that is still hard to understand. I know my step dad knew i had a dad but I didn’t care.

I had another friend tell me to let him know he would talk to Little Bitty on the phone and tell  her he was her dad and talk to her like he was. He just tell her since he was out of state they could only talk on the phone not see each other.

I can’t do that to her. I know they don’t mean no harm or in a bad way they are just trying to be helpful and feel bad for her. But going about it that way is not the way to go. If they wanted to step up and say hey I’m not your dad but I am here for you if you need to talk, want to do something or just need a dad like person for something that would be fine. That wouldn’t bother me but doing something like they said I can’t do, I can’t lie to my kid and I am not going to do something that can or will hurt her more in the long run when she finds out. I am not asking or expect them to do that.

Yesterday 10/25/18

Yesterday would of been my daddy’s 66th birthday. I can not believe I have been 3 years without him. I miss him just as if it was last week. We didn’t do much, me and oldest went to the store late the night before (Tuesday) and after being in there only a matter of minutes I was so sick. My head was hurting so bad the lights driving home hurt my eyes. The light from my phone was horrible and if I tried to scroll up and down or side to side anything I couldn’t stand it, I had to close my eye. I went straight to bed.

When I got up the next moring to get the little ones ready for school it was still hurting. Not as bad but still pretty bad. I had oldest walk them over let them get breakfast and take them to class and mostly just slept for the day. It finally went away.

I have no idea what broughtbit on so fast and so bad. I didn’t notice a smell or sound in the store and oldest said she felt fine. It was odd.

After I picked the kids up at school I took them to the park for a while. We ended up being there for 2 hours or more. We went and explored a park we had never been to. It was nice and fun.

There was a trail to walk that goes out to big ponds with little docks and there was two areas to bring dogs too. One had a big fence the other has a lower fence. I would have to take my to crazy beast in the one with the higher fence so they do not jump out and run away. They also had some great places to take pictures of the kids. I think I took a few hundred shots why we were there. Some posed some just random.

My little guy decided to climb the tree he got about halfway up and got scared. The older kids had to get him down because he was over our heads and they are taller. In a little bit he decided to try again. He got a little higher and came down. He kept going back trying again and a again. Me and the girld went back over to the park the boys stayed by the water and the trees. In a little bit I hear mommy come look!!

I turn around and look and I can see him in the top of the tree out on a branch sitting like he is riding a horse and holding onto another playing with it. I ran over and took pictures. I had the other kids stand under the tree look up so you can see how high up he was. He thought it was great I am just thinking how is he going to get down? In a minute I started taking pictures of the other kids there doing something and he comes running up. In like a minute or so he was down. He climbed it a few times he is so proud of himself. I am to overcoming his fear that fast and how fast he gets up there and down wow.

I told him he takes after his Grandpa, he was a tree climber and cutter most my life. He worked for the power company here keeping the trees out of the powerlines or getting them out. He did a lot of side jobs when I was little as well and we would help him.

Boy I sure miss my dad its just this empty spot something is missing.

What Do You Say When Your Child Says….

That one word or phrase that shakes you to your core? You have no iddea how to handle it or where to turne.

Laying in bed my little guy out of no where says to me…..

Mommy do you go to hell if you commit suicide?

I was confused as to where this was coming from and have very mixed ffeelings aabout the ansswer. But my brain screamed yes and it. Is what came out as an ansswer.

He said okay and rolled back over. I ask why he askedand where this came from.

He said his friend in k was talking about someone who done it and that is what his teacher told them.

Then he said I use to thhink about it when I was in 1st grade but I don’t anymorre. I asked why he would want to do that he just say he was mad or he would get really angry and would want to. But kept saying I don’t. Now, I don’t anymore and that. Was just when I was in first grade. He said I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep now.

They have not been to therapy since 2016 right after Father of The Year left. I feel they need to go but hadn’t found somewhere that would be good. They didn’t have insurance for a while. I feel I need to start taking them again and him for sure after that, but I am scared what they are going to say. I do not want them to blow it out of proportion try to take him and put him somewhere. I don’t know how they will or do handle things like that. I don’t want them to feel that i have done something and cause problems but I want him to get the help he needs. If i have to jump through hoops because they think it is somethimg that came from my house that is fine. But they can not put him somewhere he is to little and not in need of that kind of help. It would do much more harm than good with his seperation anxiety. Amd he would be so lost and scared somewhere like that he never dealt with anything like those places or being away from his family even over night. He is so sensitive it just be really bad for him all around.

He ask me all the time is daddy going to heaven so that I can at least see him there?

I found this to be such an odd thing to be asked but he is a very out of the box thinker I guess you could say. I didn’t think much of it. Now he said this and I have to wonder.

Re:Disclaimer

I found this tonight while looking back at some of my first blog post. This was one of my first 15/20 post Disclaimer.

I read it and it all pretty much still rings true. Only thing that has changed is the fact that yeah he is a horrible person.

Call My Dad So I Can Talk

Last night laying in bed with little bitty daddies came up. She said deadbeat didn’t like me so he left. Meaning me not her. I told her no he left for other reasons. That was not her dad. So then she wanted to know who he was and everything.

I told her his name and pulled up pictures of him on my phone and showed her. All things I have done before. But she was littler then. She asked about him more we talked. She then asked if we coukd call him today? She wants to talk to him and get to know him. She wants to tell him she is about to lose her first tooth and about her dogs and school. I told her I did not have a number for him. She said it was okay she would dream of it when she went to sleep and tell me what it was when she got up. I told her okay and that maybe we could send him a message one day too if she really wanted to get a hold of him. She said okay. So far today she had not said anything to me about him. I forgot to ask oldest if she did her or not. I will have to in the morning.

I can’t catch a break with the daddies this week. But if she ask more I will contact him for her. Pray for the best for her.

Not My Best Week Ever

This past Thursday was 3 years that I lost my daddy to cancer and it wasn’t any easier than the day it happen. I don’t know why I was thinking it was Friday not Thursday and I was kind of mentally trying to prepare myself. It seemed to be working, until I figured out it was Thursday I was wrong. Wednesday was a ruff day, I’m not sure why, I went did my prints for my background check, for my internship and then to my therapy appointment at 1. I went with a friend to lunch in between then went to the shop. I was just not in a good mood just really down feeling as the day went on. I went right in at the shop and started pulling everything apart and cleaning. I did all the rugs and pulled them up tossed them outside and did the floors all around, then brought the rugs back in laid them out and did them again and put everything up and away. After that I just sat there listening to music and looking for jobs on youtube. I had text her about the job I interviewed for.

In a little while the boss came in said he was leaving I started to get up to get my stuff together and go he said the other guy was going to lock up about 4:30 and left. I thought he was going to lock the office up before he left but he was just telling me he was leaving for the day. I just sat there thinking about things and not really doing much of anything. By the time I left I was in tears. In a little bit he came in said he was locking up ask if I was ready and set the alarm. I grabbed my bag and went out. I stopped outside the door to close my bag he seen I was upset. He was asking me what was wrong? He was calling me he said you know I love you? Do you need to talk? I said no I love you too x I’m okay. He hugged me and we started walking out to the fence to lock it up and go to where the cars are all parked. He was saying is it this, that, boyfriend? Kids? If you need to talk I am here. I said it’s okay just stuff from the past. He said okay and we went on. I figured the bosses wife would be calling me to see what was wrong she is my BFF and he lives with them. He is one of the kids and he gets worried about everyone or if something is wrong. I figured he say something to her. He just turned 21, he been in trouble in the past and don’t have a family. They have known him for a little while and he is trying to get on the right track and get his little boy back since his mom lost him and signed up her rights to him. They are helping him, so we know each other out side work and things.

That night my friend the one that my my BFF introduced me to and was trying to get me to go out with before we knew how broken he really was and his problems. He messaged me and was trying to talk I did a little but not a lot. He said something about needed to talk. I told him if he needed to talk he could call me. He called me in a little bit and said no I was asking if you needed to talk something is wrong and we talked for a little while but I didn’t tell him what was wrong either. I just didn’t really want to talk about it.

Then next day I just was not in a good mood very down and depressed, I been fighting the urge to drink since the day before. I messaged my friend ask her if she wanted to go to lunch I was hiding at the time. She said she could’t she had things to do. I told her I wanted to go to lunch I needed some drinks she said no we would go later that night. I told her I couldn’t go that night but it was okay. I was talking to my Good friend that I talk to all the time and he was getting ready to go to work. I stopped by his house for a little bit. Sat there talking to him some. He said come here I know what you need he pulled me up and gave me a hug. He said your doing it all on your own and it’s hard I been there. I just burst into tears. I am, I am tired, it is part of what is wrong on top of everything else.

My friend called me in a little bit I answered she said lets go to lunch. She said she talked to her aunt and they had things to do but they were going to go to lunch first because they knew something war wrong. I told her lets go to the pizza place in the village and to meet me at the shop and pick me up. The shop is on her way to her aunts and the pizza place and wasn’t far from where I was. I told her I wanted to have some drinks that I was going to park my truck at the shop then go back there for a while before I had to go home. That way by then I would be okay to drive. She said okay. I dropped my truck off and we went to lunch. I only had one drink a Jack and Coke.

  boy it was strong, I told them I don’t think they gave me any Coke with my Jack. I wanted something else but by the time I was ready for something else we were done eating we were in a hurry to get other things done. I ended up going to storage with them and helping them get that sorted out and somewhat organized so it can be gone through more later.

She said at one point that her husband, my boss asked if I was okay and what was going on I guess he could tell I was upset when he left and then the kid told him I was crying when we left. But she has been dealing with some things with one of her older girls so I hadn’t said anything to her. She still don’t know what all is going on or wrong. I just been trying to be there for her and her daughter as much as I can because I would never want to go through what they are going through and I can’t say I would trade what I was upset about with what is going on.

But I did make it through the day and feeling a little better now that it is Sunday. I had plans for things to do Friday but didn’t get to do them and didn’t really feel like it since it wasn’t the day I thought it was and couldn’t really do them Thursday. I may do them at a later time I don’t know yet. I am still a little aggravated but from other things now I think more than being upset about the day.