To Damaged

I am so stressed lately with having to move, find a bigger truck, back to back court dates, Saturday being 5 years my dad being gone, this new step I am taking with JW, all the changes that are coming with that.

This thing with JW is really on my mind letting go and just let what is going to happen, happen and enjoying what is happening now is really hard. Trusting he isn’t going to hurt me and things really are going to work out and that him, the kids and I are all going to be happy. My mind won’t let me do that of course, because when you have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times or in such ways it isn’t easy. You stuff your feelings and go with with your head so that you don’t get hurt again.

I keep thinking about what he said about wanting to be here and help, willing to wait, take things slow, do things how I feel is best for me and the kids. Maybe he isn’t the one I am trying to protect the kids from. Maybe it is me and me messing things up not him.

Yesterday I was in a mood and I was thinking about all the shit I have been though and things that have happen. I thought once he finds out about things or if he does will he stay. He won’t stay he will leave. I had the thought I am going to tell him everything or what if I just tell him the one thing that gets a reaction  out of everyone, that one thing that no one knows how to react to and makes everyone pull away or leave. Because you know it was shortly after RC found out that he did all this and was different from the time he found out. Then I think okay so he don’t leave but the what if he is different after that like he was? What if I mess things up between us by telling him that. If it changes things between us and we are still together that may not be the best either. But then I feel that it is something that he probably should know either way because it will have an effect on things between us at times. I try not to let it but at times it does before I even realize it.

Then it is like okay so when is the right time to tell someone something like that? Right away upfront kind of like now? Later once things head in that direction? Just wait until maybe it comes up or if things from the past and how things were or things that happen between me and father of the year and bring it up? I just don’t know how you bring that up and tell someone that.

Yesterday the mood I was in I had decided that I was going to go tell him. I was going to bring it up after work or what and we were sitting around talking. Whatever reaction I got, I just got and we would go from there.

My whole thought process behind it all was just tell him all the bad shit, tell him everything you have been through and done. He will surely not stick around. If he does then maybe it is worth all that you are putting on hold. If he does leave then it just shows how he is like the rest and just saying what he thinks one wants to hear. Either way everything is out in the open.

But when I got there he was pretty sick and not feeling good. He told me he didn’t feel good when we were messaging while I was at work. I didn’t think he was that bad until I got there. I could tell he really felt bad, he wasn’t wanting to move or even lay on his side or anything. He was so tired as well. I just laid there with him we talked a little but not much not about anything really. I told him I was going to go so he could sleep because he was so bad. He said no he wanted me to stay. I stayed for a bit laid there with him until I had to go. He was going to walk me out I told him no to stay in bed I would turn things off and lock the door. He was worried about me walking out by myself. I said I walk in by myself all the time, whats the difference. He said I don’t know but I am just supposed to walk you out. I said well not to night now I will see you tomorrow.

I was kind of glad it hadn’t come up and not at the same time. I wasn’t going to bring it up at that time anyway no matter what. But I now feel that I just want to get it out of the way since I feel that he should know. That I was all ready to tell him and going to do it and now I still have it to do since he wasn’t feeling good. I guess I will just wait and see and hope that the right time comes and things go well when it does.

It all goes back to Self sabatage.

Everything can be going great and my mind takes over and runs with all its thoughts and what may happen. What if he finds out….what if you do something he don’t like or that upsets him…..how is he going to react to…..will he find you to damaged if to much comes out? It is hell to have your mind battle your heart as I am sure many of you know.

You want to believe and follow your heart but your brain attacks.

Matthew

We ended up evacuating Wednesday because of Matthew. We wanted to get an early start so we didn’t get stuck on the roads and were able to get gas. Some places had already been told to leave or had a time they had to be out by. I really didn’t want to leave but was worried that one or more of the trees in my yard would fall on the house. I was not going to set in a shelter with the people around here. I figured it wouldn’t cost me that much to go somewhere else. I figured we would go up to one of the areas we want to move to and check it out why we were there. It would give us something to do for a few days why we waited to be able to come home. I was taking my truck but didn’t have room for my sister and her family and my mom. My moms truck isn’t running and my sister has no car. They could have went with father of the year but there was some kind of problem with that as well so they decided to rent a van to go in. I went and rented that and got it to them so they could load and get ready.

Father of the Year came over and called himself helping me get the kids ready and loaded and their outside stuff put up. Then he started loading my truck. I told him I would do it I wanted it packed how I planed so it would be easier for us to get to the things we needed and get the dogs in and out. But he don’t listen. I ended up unpacking it and repacking it once he left. My friends stopped by I had them take the back seat out to give more room. It gave me room to have the dog cage open and to get then in and out so I could put them in it.

They rented a 12 passenger van we could have went with them but there was no way I was riding with them and three dogs up there and I wanted my truck to get out and go places. Plus I was not paying to rent a van when I had my truck I could put that money in gas.

We didn’t end up leaving until late and didn’t get far before we had to pull over and get a room. Then the next day was a lot of wasted time. We ended up going farther north but never made it out of the state. We got stuck because roads were at a stand still and everywhere was out of gas. I had enough to get where we wanted to go but couldn’t get through because of the roads being at a stand still and construction rerouting roads on to the ones that were already full. We didn’t know they were working on the roads when we looked it up it didn’t tell us. I wasn’t happy at all and my sister was freaking out that we needed to get more inland than we were. At that point I had, had enough and told them I didn’t care what they did or where they went but I was staying right were I was at. Then they found out that they were as far in as they could get for the area and that the other places had water all around them. Where we were they had taken all the patients from the mayo clinic and mayo hotel and brought them there so there were nurses and things there as well if something happen.

We ended up staying there for two days. They were wanting to stay another day and I told them I was leaving that day, Friday and getting as far north as I could. They were saying lights were out all over, no gas anywhere and power out all over. Again I wasn’t worried about gas I knew I had enough to get home. We hadn’t used that much and had stopped and filled up when we found a place that had some left.

I was a measurable few days. They had fights, people sick, the places was freezing. I lay down to sleep and was so cold I couldn’t. My body hurt my bones felt like they were freezing from the inside out, we were on a cot and I was sharing with my little bitty. She couldn’t sleep she kept hollering out and tossing and turning. She is use to it being quite and dark, the lights were on and everyone was up and moving around doing whatever. There was no were to take a shower or clean up so we were all grubby feeling, cold and sleepy.

It was a while before I heard anything about my house but it wasn’t bad, the biggest damage we had was the kids swing fell and got messed up. Oh and my mail box blew away but we got it back. The lid don’t close right it was pulled off. I think I am going to throw it away and tell them it blew away in the storm I need a new one. We didn’t have power when we got back last Saturday night but it came back on Sunday morning and the internet came back that after noon. Some are still without or didn’t get it back until late that night.

That has been the last week in a nut shell. Over all I am just happy we were not hit as hard as they thought we would be and that our house is good.

Re: A Doom & Gloom Kind Of Day

I told you all about father of the year’s accident Saturday  (A Doom & Gloom Kind Of Day). I was worried about him losing his job and everything. Since then a lot has happen. He ended up in the er Sunday morning with a kidney stone and missed a few hours of work. At least he didn’t have any calls but wasn’t able to meet and drop the truck off. The guys had to come and pick it up and they weren’t happy about it. He went in on Monday to turn in his paperwork since he wasn’t in Sunday to do it and it had to be in by then. They didn’t really say anything about it. Tuesday he called in because he still hadn’t passed his stone and was in pain. He isn’t able to take the pain meds and drive the truck. 

He got there today and figured that they would be on him about the accident and missing the day but they didn’t say anything. He said they did tell them they have to have a damage waver signed on everything they pick up. They just said something about the accidents and damages from over the weekend.

Later he called back and said that he was talking to them at the office and the other guys about what was going on. Apparently one of the other guys rear ended someone since he had his accident. Not only that but one or two of the other damaged some of the vehicles that they had picked up.

I said well maybe that’s a good thing. They can’t very well fire all of you and have no crew to work. He said he didn’t know what they are going to do about it all.

When he got home he said that the boss told him that they may have to close down the towing side because of all that happen and the insurance premiums are going to sky rocket. So guess they aren’t worried about getting rid of anyone because they may not be staying open. He also said that he said something about maybe changing the name of the company. I guess if they close and open under a different name then the insurance wouldn’t be as high. I don’t really see them doing that because the ones running it really don’t want the hassle of tow side so if they can get rid of it I think they will just get rid of it and keep it gone.

I guess the next few weeks will tell. But however it plays out I am going to keep doing what I have to do to make everything fall into place for me and the kids and get us out of here. Or him out of here however it works out. He is going to have to work out his side of things.