{September 11, 2020}   All Things Relationship

I have talked to Bff a lot the last few days. This in turn has had me thinking about relationships and the way we do thing. Makes me wonder what everyone else thoughts and feelings are on some thing’s as well.

I will do a follow up post this weekend with my answers and all of your in put. I look forward to seeing if more of you see things the way I do or the way Bff see’s them. I will give you her point of view on thing’s as well.

Let’s start with the basics.

Do you feel there are things you should know before you consider a relationship/dating someone?

What things do you want to know upfront?

Do you feel there is a difference in dating and being in a relationship with someone?

If so what is the difference in the two?

If not why do you feel there isn’t?

Can you see/talk to others if you are dating/in a relationship?

When you start a relationship/dating do you go into it expecting it to last or just see what happens?

Are you currently single?

Do you have kids at home?

Do you think your answers would be different if you did/didn’t have kids?

At what point do you introduce your children to the person you are in a relationship with/dating?

I hope you all take the time to answer and share. I am really interested in everyone’s answers.



{February 10, 2020}   Finally Another Beach Night

Saturday Bff called and said she was going out so I went with her. We picked up JW and went to a pool hall over on the Island. We got there it was packed and none of us really wanted to stay. We left and was going to go to Apple bee’s or this other little place I go sometimes. I wasn’t really in the mood to be out around people. I said lets go to the beach. We can get some drinks and take out there walk or just sit and talk. We decided to do that.

Then she was talking to a friend she hadn’t seen in a while and he decides to go with us. We went back and picked him up and got stuff to drink. We went to the pier where I always go and some lady told her they were closed. I tried to tell her we park their all the time it did not matter she was scared and left. We ended up about 6 blocks or more down and parked. We all walked out there started walking down the beach. Next thing I know we look behind us they aren’t there. They had sat down somewhere. We kept walking for a ways and decided we were ready so we turned around to find them.

We sat and talked for a while once we found them then in a bit they got up and started walking again. I was like wait I want to go back to the truck give us the keys. She wouldn’t said we would leave her or what we would do in her truck or something. I said I am tipsy I am not driving and he can’t either. By then they were away from us.

I had to go to the bathroom and decided we were going to walk up this walk off the beach to see if there was a store or something around. We got over the walk and there was the bar. I said we found a bar and a nice big truck. JW laughed said you and your big trucks. I said yep like my trucks. Lets take that one for a ride joking.

The way the bar is set up it different since it is right there by the beach. Its long two sides then all open on the end you walk the length you come in the front walk straight out the back or vs versa. Most of it you are sitting outside. I said lets walk around to the front and come in because it was crawled in the back and all through the place. I really had to go and did not see the bathroom from where we were. We walked around he had one of the beers we had with is open drinking it. I said they are going to make you get rid of that.

We got to the front there were bikes parked there a group of bikers and the bouncer standing around. I knew they were going to stop him I stepped through them walked in amd straight to the bathroom that was right there by the door. As I walked into the bathroom I heard the bouncer say something to him about his drink. I thought yep knew it. He going to be standing outside or arguing with this bouncer when I get back out there. I come out look around he is standing in the bar watching the fight no drink. He come over we walked out. I said what happen? What did he say about your drink? JW said he told me no drinks outside the bar I had to stay inside with it, I said yes I understand walked in with it and finished it so we could leave. He thought we had just come around the building from outback drinking.

After that we walked back down to the beach and started walking back toward where we had parked. Anyone that has been to the beach knows that if you park walk down the beach it is hard enough to find where you came down at if you walk to far down but if you come up on the street and try to walk back you may never find your car. In the dark you may as well forget it. That is why I park at the pier and walk down. I know when I get back to the pier I am where I need to be. Anyway Saturday when we first got down on the beach I stopped was looking back at the walk, the buildings everything around. He said what are you doing? I said looking around. I was looking to see something that would make me remember where we came down and parked. Off we went down the beach. We got back to where we came down and walked up the boardwalk, he was asking if I was sure that was where we came up. We walked up on the walk stood there talking for a bit and he walked down to see if the truck was there. It was he came back. I thought we were going back to the tuck. I started walking toward the truck and thought he was behind me. I guess he went to tell them we found the truck I started walking because I figured they were who knows how far down and I was just in my moods to walk. I walked up to the street and started walking. About the time I got down to the pier he was calling me asking where I was at. I told him and I kept walking. He said they were coming to get me I told them I was walking up to my old job to go to the bathroom again. They were telling me no stay there everything. I told them I crossed A1A and was almost at my old job but they were closed. By that time they were there. We went up to the little store and then to get something to eat. Her and her friend took us to his place and dropped us off. I stayed there for the night.

Saturday was 5 years since my dad passed and I was already not in the greatest moods. Feeling really depressed and then the kids decided that they were going to fight like hell all day. I Tried to take them out and got pissed off and took them home and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed. I took Little Bitty to bed and made her go to sleep before I left because she was the main cause of all the fighting. Then I left. Bff was going to pick me up and I decided to leave take my car. I called her and told her to meet me at his house instead. If I wanted then I could stay there and would have my car. The mood I was in I was not going to drink at all because I knew it would turn out bad.

I ended up laying in the back seat in his lap and crying. Bff said I was telling them they knew not to let me drink. That when we got back to his place she thought I made him man and he was going to leave me and I was going to have to go home with her that night. I guess me and her friend was talking about relationships, sex, and things like that. Her friend said something about going in and being with him, I guess I said I didn’t want to do him. I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant that we had talked about it and wasn’t rushing into things and the mood I was in I didn’t want to be with him like that. I want that to be when I am in a better mood we are both into it. She said at some point around there he kind of put his hands up and walked away to the house. I told her I didn’t think he was mad that everything seemed find when I had left that morning.

We talked a while before I left and I told him I was sorry and things. That I knew it was a bad time that I shouldn’t have drank. He was just like no big deal, it was fine, I didn’t do anything wrong, they been there, he understood. That I wasn’t going to get rid of him that easy. I had a lot on my plate and to deal with and he just wanted to help me with that and that we all need a break sometimes, that it wasn’t that much of one but he hoped it was something. That is was so nice to fall a sleep together and wake up together and that he was happy.

I love him I feel bad that things turned out the way they did. I was going to get one drank and drink that was it. Then they didn’t have it and we ended up with a 6 pack. I ended up drinking most of it. I drank it to fast as well. It hit me hard.

I told Bff that last year about this time was my bad moonshine night. But that at least Saturday wasn’t near as bad as last year when all that happen. That hey I didn’t scare this one off. Maybe he is a keeper and plans to stick around.

I swear at this point no more drinking this time of the year at all. I know when I should drink and when I shouldn’t just like I didn’t drink New Years eve because I knew I wasn’t in the right place mentally and that it would end up pretty bad. I was already depressed and mad that night too. I told her we needed another night like my birthday a few years ago. When we are all in a good mood and just have a good time.

{January 29, 2020}   Questioning Everything Today

I don’t know what is up with me I have been in a mood all day pretty much. I started the day fighting with Little Bitty about getting up and going to school. Then I took them to school stayed to watch Mr. 9 Get his awards. I watched Little Bitty get hers yesterday. After that I walked home got the car and left. I went and got coffee and a sandwich, I got him a coffee and stopped at his job for a bit and drove around and talked to Bff for a while. I was just in a mood and venting by the time she called me.

I am wanting to move and thought I finally had things together enough to do that this year. Then everything happen with JW my childhood Friend and now I feel like I am putting everything on hold again. I can’t find anything decent around here for less than $1100 a month or more. I am getting really discouraged and really thinking about everything.

When me and father of the year was together we bought our house to flip and move. He lost his job didn’t work for years and everything went to shit. Then I got with RC and he was all about lets get things settled and move up to where he was from and we all know how that ended. In 2015 I had everything set down to renting a truck and my dad got sick. I paid everything up to be with him and weeks later i was left and stuck here. I know he had no control over that what so ever didn’t want that to happen, didn’t plan it or whatever don’t get me wrong and think that is how I mean it at all it really isn’t. I am just saying I do what I am supposed to and things and I always end up on the shit end of the stick. I lost my dad and got stuck here all at once.

Finally now I can probably make it happen and get out of here once and for all and now we reconnect and this happens. He don’t want to move and I’m just like okay lets try this see where it goes. I’ll stay. Me and oldest was talking about moving over the weekend I said maybe in couple years and she said I’ll be grown by then. I can go where I want do what I want. Not in a nasty way or what just a you been saying this kind of thing.

That has stuck with me because I did not want my kids to grow up here or to live here once they were. The jobs are shit, the cost of living is through the roof and its just not a good place.

Then today him saying to me do what is best for you and the kids and I understand has stuck with me. I keep thinking of it. It’s like how can he say I have such strong feeling, I want to be with you, I’m so happy, I want this and in the next breath say but if you move you move it is okay. I understand? I will be sad I don’t want you to go but if you do you do? All I keep thinking now is so how does he really feel? Is he just here because I had something to do with him? Just in it for here and now? If he cares no more than that then why am I putting my life and plans on hold for him? Why am I making my kids wait even longer?

Why does anyone want to live here and struggle all the time if they could go somewhere else and live cheaper and happier? I will pay almost twice as much in rent here than I would up around J. I could have things we want, a boat, 4 wheeler, trips or what. I could work one job and not work 24/7. I could live in my house not just come home go to bed, wake up go to work repeat all the time. I could spend time with my kids doing things. I could be happier. If I can make it and get ahead and save living somewhere like that working one job imgain what I could do if I lived somewhere like that and worked two for even 6 months or a year. I could buy a nice house and have a nice down payment. I could take the kids on trips I have wanted to take.

Instead I am going to stay here work 12 to 14 hour days, never see my kids, still struggle to get by, have him here to work in trying to see and do things with on top of all I already do and take care of. Just be unhappy and miserable. So I find a house at $900 to $1000 to rent right now, in a year rent goes up and now how am I going to afford it? Because god knows you don’t get raises around here and the cost of living is already over what it should be compared to the pay. What next year I end up homeless again? Who knows if he even wants to move or would consider it in a year or two if things are going good. He says he is home don’t want to go anywhere. Then what I move and leave him then? Then what is the point in doing all this and prolonging the inevitable then. Why not just leave and leave him here now than when we have a year or two invested?

Bff just says oh your in love, stop, things will get better, they will be okay and work out. No they aren’t. How can you be happy when you are putting your life on hold?  Why am I the one putting my life on hold? Why is it always me that says okay I can wait? When is it my turn to have something that would make me happy for a change and someone else put their life on hold or change their plans for me?

Like I told her I think I am meant to be single. I think I am happier single. Yeah it is lonely sometimes but it passes and I can do what I need to do for me and my kids and feel is right for us without worrying about someone else.


{December 27, 2019}   Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday for my birthday I had to work both jobs, it really wasn’t bad both were really slow so an easy day/night. I had already planed to take off by 9 from my night job to go have a few drinks with friends and unwind after dealing with her Christmas.

My friend I got back in touch with over the weekend (we will call him, J.W. said he wanted to go and Bff was talking about going. He messaged me off and on all yesterday. He asked where I wanted to go I told him I wasn’t sure. Then when I was getting to my night job he said lets go get some dinner. I told him I had to see and he said his treat.

I got off at 8:30 because it was so slow. The guy the works with me said earlier lets get out of here early tonight. I said that is fine with me I was planing on leaving at 9 anyway. By 830 it was so dead I said can we get out of here yet? He laughed and said go I’m not far behind you.

I went and picked up J.W. and we headed over to the island. We had been talking about what was open. We seen this Restaurant bar in down town open so  we decided to go in there. They have been around here forever when I was a kid but I had never been in there. I got the shrimp basket with cal slaw. It was really good. We sat there for a bit talking then we rode around for a while talking. I dropped him off and went home. It was about midnight then.

I messaged and told him thank you that I had a good time. He said he was glad and we needed to do it more often. I told him I was going to start going out once a week like I was before, He said it sounded good. I want to do more than just sit at the place and watch people sing or try to and do nothing. I want to start playing pool or walking the beach, something to get out and really do something not just sit. I sit all day at both job. once in a while going somewhere and just sitting is fine but I like to do other things too. Like Bff said maybe once a month go and just sit and hangout. That is fine, we can get a group of us together and do different things others want to do as well. I would love for bff’s aunt to come again but I don’t know if she will or not.

He said pool is free over where him and his friend goes not to far from the house. That is nice, it’s so much an hour at the other place but it is more of a pool hall. I don’t really care for either place but I know others that are free too. I don’t mind going to the one his friend goes to I have been in there few times. Can’t think for the life of me who the heck I was with when I was in there because most people I know don’t hangout in the places around us over there. That is going to bother me because I remember being there the other people there things we talked about, it being pretty slow, driving there and meeting them there but not who I was with. It has been a while. I can’t even remember if it was a friend I was with or a guy. I know it wasn’t bff she would never go somewhere like that. Well she wouldn’t have then. Who knows maybe I will figure it out.

{November 19, 2019}   Took Time For Myself

I had not been out in months, probably 4 or more. All my time lately has been at work or out with the kids doing something with them. I was starting to feel irritated and in a bad mood all the time. I didn’t want to be at work, I didn’t want to be at home or around the kids. If you are a parent I am sure you know that feeling when you haven’t had a break and your busy with no time to yourself.

My “friend” messaged me during the week and asked if I wanted to go out for a while. I told him I couldn’t go out until Saturday around 8. I never go out on Saturday but I needed the break and figured that by 8 the kids would be settled. We had plans during the day and I figured I would take them to dinner. By 8 they could settle for the night watch movies and play until they went to bed.

I got home and out around 7 and messaged him to see what he was doing. He said he wasn’t ready he was just starting to get ready. I told him that was fine. I had a few things to take care of to let me know when he was done. I went and put my check in the bank and stopped at the pharmacy. He told me he was ready and asked if I wanted to meet at his house and take his car? So I went over there.

We ended up going up to the pool hall having a few drinks, played some pool and talked. We went back to his place and talked for a while and I was home by 11. But it was a nice relaxing night and a much needed break.

I think I am going to see if others want to go shoot some games of pool or darts maybe once a week or every few weeks. I use to be so good at pool and now I am horrible at it. But I love to play. Darts I have never played out anywhere just at houses but had a lot of fun playing. It be better than going and sitting listening to a bunch of people that can’t sing and eating all the time. I am going to ask around tomorrow see who would be interested in going.

{June 7, 2019}   Where Has This Year Gone

I had to stop and look for the date today for something I was doing. It is not anything that I do not do everyday but I had to really think about what month it was and when I had last talk to or responded to a client we are trying to set an account up for. It had been the end of March start of April when I talk to them last. I thought oh it has been a month. Then it hit me no we are half way into June just about.

I do not know where this last few months has went. As I write this and think about it, since I have started this job it seems as if I have lost a chunk of time. I think because get up go to work, leave go to job 2 and then go home and pretty much walk in and go to bed. Just to do it all over the next day and the next until the weekend gets here.

My day’s, week’s and months are just ran together. Even if you deal with the date everyday until you really stop and think about it you do not notice how much of it is gone.

We all went out last, well me Bff and Sleeping Beauty and Bff’s oldest daughter drove them. Her aunt didn’t come said she didn’t feel good. I think she didn’t come because she isn’t happy with what BFF is doing. Her husband told her to stay out of it and not to say anything.

Old boss, Bff;s husband called she want outside and talked to him he asked where she was and was asking who was there. Then he wanted to know how Sleeping Beauty got there. She told him that they had picked him up. That I was coming from so far away south of where they all were it made more since for them to pick him up than meet me and that they picked him up over by my house somewhere at a friends house. I was not happy when she came back in and said that. I looked at her and looked at Sleeping Beauty and he just got a drink of his drink and looked at her and looked at me out of the corner of his eye. I was looking at him like wtf. Then she went outside and talked to her hubby again and came back in and said he was still starting about him and him staying at her house he don’t want all that in his house and things. Sleeping Beauty said what is he talking about my drug problem. She said yeah. Then she text Sleeping Beauty and they walked outside. Her daughter asked me if he had a drug problem? I just shrugged my shoulders and she said something else and was asking questions. I said well everyone knows why he left my house. She said why? I said because he didn’t pay someone and they were coming to kick my door in and your dad and the other guy found out and called me up there and told me about it. I said then they all told me not to go home and confront him and I did anyway because if they think I am scared of him or scared of him because of his background they are very wrong this is my house I am taking care of it and I wasn’t sitting there waiting to see what was going to happen or someone else to take care of it. She said oh yeah I remeber my mom saying something about that. I said then the guy came there looking for him saying he was looking for someone else. I said but when I called and said this guy was here this is what he looked like. She asked your dad what does so and so look like and he said this that and the other told her the same thing I just told her. They were walking back up at that point but she wasn’t happy.

They all started talking and things something was said and Sleeping Beauty said she brings it on herself. I said yeah I know. She said how, he said I don’t want to tell you because you will cry. He turned looked at me and said oh my god they all cry about everything at her house. I said I know. Then her daughter walked back up she had went to the bathroom. We talked some I asked again about how she brought it on herself he said nothing I don’t want to make her cry. He said she is making a mess and a problem or something like that. I said oh I know I been telling her this for a while now. I said and telling the kids don’t tell and things I said one of them is going to tell. Sleeping Beauty said I am just waiting on him to come walking in that door one night and I am sleeping on the couch. He said all hell is going to break lose. I said been thinking the same thing he is just going to show up one night. He said I already told her she better just stay out of it and out of the way and let whatever happens happen let me take care of it.

Me and her daughter were talking when they went outside too she asked me so what do you think of the two of them. I was just like I don’t know. I don’t want to know anything. She said my dad is going to freak the fuck out when he gets back or finds out. She said I miss my dad but I am not looking forward to seeing him because it is going to be so bad at my house when he gets back and this all goes down. I said I have been telling your mom the same thing and she knows it. I said she is making things way worse for herself than she has to and than it has to be. I said she is going about all this all wrong. I said it isn’t right and telling the kids to lie and things. She said I know.

I just want to shake her and be like wake up what are you doing? But she isn’t going to listen she is going to do what she is doing and things are going to get really bad. I am worried someone is going to get hurt when he gets home and everything comes out. I asked her yesterday so if he isn’t supposed to be there and he isn’t staying there, where is he supposed to go stay when he comes home for Easter. She got quiet for a minute and then said stunned I don’t know? I said there? It’s where he lives now. She said no he can’t do that. I said I wondered if you thought of that or not. I said he got thrown out of his moms and he isn’t staying down the street now. She just no idea what to say and said I don’t know. I said I bet he stays right there. She said don’t say that. I said well. I figure he will most likely go spend the weekend at his moms and go see his family for Easter. He did before and does most holidays. I didn’t say that to her I figure I just let her think about that for now and think about what she is doing and how this is going to turn out or could in the long run.

I am still shocked that old boss has not contacted me or Sleeping Beauty since this all involves him and I have been brought into it as if he is around because of me. Sleeping Beauty said last night oh but I was okay to be around when I was supposed to come and protect everyone and make sure everyone was safe if something happen. I said I know right, he was the one that told us to get a hold of you. But he knows like everyone else that this isn’t about him being there out with us. It is about everything boss is starting to hear and be told and the fact that he seems to be around all the time. That she is the one that picks him up he has stayed at her house and things. This is the fact she is lying and it is catching up with her. when all this was being said is when he said she is bringing this all on herself and things.

I messaged her last night and said why did you tell him you picked him up for me? She said I didn’t I just told him you worked late and was coming from the other direction it didn’t make since for you to pass here to pick him up then have to come all the way back. I said yeah but it sounds like you are picking him up for me and that is the way you put it to him too. I said he knows we aren’t together. She said he knows you all were thinking about getting together and hanging out and things. I said no he don’t because  you already told him we are just staying friends and not together. She said no I said yes you did she don’t remember. She was drinking last night too. But she did for some reason it came up I guess back after the night we were all drinking and I stayed there and he was questioning all that and things that we just decided to be friends stay friends. So I am sure that is why he is questioning it more as well. Why he is going with us all over now and hanging around more if we are all just friends. We never did before. I don’t mind him being there hanging out with us for me it is just like anyone else there and hanging out it don’t bother me the more people the more fun. But what she is doing and has done is not right. I have no one to answer to or worry about and I have nothing to answer for because I am not doing anything wrong and I have nothing to hide. If I have to hide it I’m not doing it.

Bff already said that Sleeping Beauty said that if he comes to him and ask him or says anything he is telling him the truth. I said well you can’t blame him and it involves him and it is going to come out anyway so why lie about it. Been my point all along. I didn’t say I would or wouldn’t but she already knows how I feel about it and that I am not lying about shit to anyone. I just said he hasn’t come to me and I am surprised but not at the same time. I said I figure he hasn’t because he figures he isn’t going to get any information about of me or what he wants. I figure he isn’t back until next weekend that I maybe hearing from him before then if things keep going the way they are. I don’t know what I am going to say or tell him. I guess it will all depend on what he ask and how. If he ask if me and Sleeping Beauty are together, been together or thinking about getting together I am telling him straight up no. I tell him what happen or what. If he says anything about him going to applebee’s with us is he coming because of me or what I am telling him, he comes because everyone knows we go and that who ever wants to go can come. Since he came that one night with us he comes when he isn’t working. That I bring other people as well and they show up now and then or when they feel like it just the same. If he ask anything else about Sleeping Beauty I am just going to say I don’t know you would have to ask him I don’t talk to him other than when we all meet on Wednesday nights if he shows up or we all go somewhere and take the kids and he shows up. If he ask how he gets there I will tell him she picks him up. If he ask why I’m tell him I don’t talk to him that much I guess he ask her to. I am like him I am not lying to him about it she brought me into it by making it seem as if he is coming there because of me or with me or for me. He isn’t. If he wasn’t living at her house and she wasn’t lying about that it might not be as big of a deal because who cares if he goes out with us Wednesday we are all just going as friends. The fact of what she is doing and how she is doing it and hiding all of it and lying about it I have a problem with that. I’m not being a part of all that.

I don’t think they are together, I think he is just looking for a free place to stay, she pays when they go out or we all go out. He hasn’t worked all week. She like I said before is To Scared To Be Alone. He is willing to stay there so she is letting him. That is fine but don’t lie about it and have your kids lying about it and get upset when others start talking and it gets back to people you don’t want it to and you have to deal with them. They are both friends but I am not getting caught up in the lies just like her already don’t remember what she has or hasn’t told him now and just getting in deeper.


{April 11, 2019}   Never Heard From Him

I got off work and tried to get a hold of Speacial K and never could. I think he didn’t want to come because he had no money and went to bed. So he didn’t have to tell me no or go and let me pay.

I am waiting to see if I hear from him today what he has to say.

{April 10, 2019}   I Caved

So on my way to my night job I caved and messaged Special K. I messaged him he said hey whats up? We talked some. I told him to come out with us tonight he said he didn’t have money or gas right now. I said just come out we just get a drink and hang out. He said he knew it just wouldn’t feel right not that he didn’t want to go.

I got to work I told him it would be $10 at the most I had it not to worry about it. He pays all the time. I told him meet me there at 10:30 and that Bff and them would be there earlier if he wanted to go early. I haven’t heard back from him. But I am at work in a metal building and have no service. I will probably get a bunch of messages when I get in the truck. If I don’t hear from him I will message him before I leave.

I told bff we may not sit with them at first. I may sit and talk to him some first. Or wait until they leave and talk. I don’t really know it’s going to be late.

He hasn’t said anything about being with someone or what happen or what. I figure he will get around to it. I am just going to tell him the truth. It didn’t happen and I have been doing some thinking.

{December 11, 2018}   Have You Ever

So the guy who wanted to buy my truck and who told me about the job will be called Mr. Auto from now on.

My Thursday, drive to work conversation.

Mr. Auto, called while I was taking the kids to school and I didn’t notice. I called back later but then Little Man stayed home sick he started talking to me. He said get ready for work and talk to your boy. Call me in a bit when you can talk.

I finished what I had to do and got out of the house and called him back. I wanted to see if it was about the job or just him wanting to talk. It was just him talking. He didn’t say a lot of anything for a bit just this and that.

He said something again about me not answering when he called before and things. He said I pass your house I started to stop by but I didn’t know who might answer. Then I thought Sleeping beauty had moved back in. I didn’t want to make him mad. He got mad before about some girl he knew he thought I was to friendly with.

I said why would you think he moved back in? And even if he did he don’t tell me who I can or can’t talk to and something about not being together.

He said I don’t know you all living or lived in the same house & sleeping in the same bed together. That’s more than roommates.

I said wait a minute, I don’t know what you have been told by who. But we are not together now or have we ever been anything more than friends. I needed to rent my extra room he needed a place to stay we help eachother out. I said had it been anything more between us he would of never moved in or stayed the night in my house.

He said what do you mean?

I said I have 4 kids at home 24/7. I do not ever bring guys I am talking to, to my house. I do not let guys meet my kids. My kids do not even know if I go on a date or if I am talking to a guy. I said I would have to be in a relationship 4 to 6 months before I even thought about telling my kids and letting them meet. Then it would be a long time down the road before I would think about living together. I said so no he would of never been to my house muchless living there. So if you heard different whoever said it lied and I will tell you right infront of them they lied, I don’t care.

He said something about him and why it never was more or what.

I said he makes comments it comes up but that is as far as it ever goes. Then I don’t hear from him again for weeks or months. I said I am not wasting my time or waiting around for him or anyone.

He said can I get personal a minute ask you something? I said yeah what? Thinking how much more personal do you want to get?

He goes have you ever dated a black guy before? I said no. I said well back in school if you want to count that he was mixed. He said why I hadn’t talk to him since or what. I said that was to long ago and I haven’t talk to him since his dad was my boss. They closed and moved.

He said but never really dated before? I said no. He said I didn’t think so why? I said I don’t know, maybe because they are all like the white ones, they all want to talk shit no action to back it up. I scare them off like the white ones or anyothers.

He laughed kind of and said scare them off, how do you do that or what do you mean?

I said because if I have a man in my life or around it is not because I need him for something. He is this because I want him there. I want to spend time with him, do things together or what. I am not looking for a man to pay my bills and buy me things or to take care of me or my kids. I said I may struggle but I can do it myself. If we are together we are because of them not what they can do have or give. I said most don’t know how to be with someone like that. They know they can’t pull shit or get away with shit because they know they can be dropped in just a minute. I said I let myself ger in a spot where I was dependent for a bit and I wont let that happen again. Guys don’t know how to act if they aren’t needed. I said we need to work as a team to make sure what is needed is covered then to have what we want.

He stammered a little said oh um, wow um yeah your right if you think about it. Um ah um I got to go! I said okay we hung up. I heard from him a little since but not much. He called last night ask what I was doing? I said goinbg home, cooking, feeding kids and putting them to bed. He ask what my plans were after that i said I didn’t know. He say much. Said he was at the mall shoping for shoes for his son. Something about shoping or liking to shop.

I said I don’t know I don’t like to shop for shoes, clothes or purses. I like to shop for houses, trucks and furniture.

He said you like to shop for the big money stuff. I said yeah hints why I don’t get to shop.



et cetera
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