{March 2, 2020}   Court With R.C Round 1

I have been waiting for this day for right about 7 years now and it is finally here, today is the first of at least two or three court dates with R.C. I am sure he is going to probably drag things out and want to do the dna test. That is fine Little Bitty and I already did ours last year. It has been just about a year maybe 8 months or so. I think we did it right before or right after my first court date with Father of The Year. Goes to show you how slow and how log it takes to get anywhere with the child support people. But I just don’t have time to do all this myself right now. If I was working one job and not dealing with the Bitch and have her there in my ass 24/7 I could have taken them both to court myself and had things done a lot faster. So here we are waiting for them to take care of it. I

I will be surprised if he don’t ask for the dna test. If he does they will take it right there why he is at the courthouse or child support office. Then it will take two weeks for them to get the results back. I figure if they take it today we will have the results back in 4 to 8 weeks maybe 6 if we are lucky. I am not looking to get them in the 2 weeks like they say. Even if they do everything quickly on his side, we still have to wait for my office to send the results to the lab and then them to process them. Then they will send them back to the offices that requested them and I will have to wait for them to send me the results or tell me. That will probably require a court date to get. I am not sure if they told us the lab would send the offices the results and us or just the offices. Even if they send a copy to us it will still take the office here forever to do something with the results once they get them. Then it will take forever for them to get us another court date.

I a at work now I don’t have to be at court until 2, I am taking off at 12:15/12:30 and headed that way since it is about 30 miles or more away. They are doing road work and it will be lunch time traffic and I am having a small issue with my car. I don’t want to wait until the last minute to head that way. I want to give myself time and maybe stop and get something to eat on the way I a going to this one by myself. I am okay with that. Jw said the other day I don’t know if I can take off and go with you to that one. I said it’s okay, I am fine with going to this one by myself. I figure he is going to phone it in since he is out of state and I don’t have an issue or issues with him like I do father of the year. No things didn’t leave off on good terms with us and he has not been in the picture the last 7 years. But at the same time, he has not done near the things Father of the Year has. He also has not been in the picture making life hell and not doing his part at the same time like farther of the year did. He decided he didn’t want to be in the picture he stepped out and let me do what I needed to do for her. He didn’t try to interfere in that or keep me from that. He didn’t try to tell me what i could or couldn’t do or say he was going to be there and not or be a when he felt like it parent. Like I have said before. I respect that more than someone that just wants to be in the picture when they feel like it or to try and control things from the outside when they have no right or say so in things. If you aren’t going to do it, can’t do it or just don’t want to then fine step a side and let me do me and do what I have to in order to take care of my kids. He did that he left us alone and let us live our lives. Am I happy he hasn’t been a father? No but that is something I can not control. I have to let that go and let that work out or play out how ever that is going to play out from here on out. Because that is and always has been between him and Little Bitty. As long as he is not hurting her, jerking her around or doing her like Father of the Year did or has done my other kids then I have to stay out of it and am able to keep things civil. He is the only one that is going to have to answer for what he is doing or has done. He is the one that will have to face her one day and explain why he wasn’t there. He can never ever say it was because I did not let him or that I wasn’t civil to him. I went above and beyond even after we weren’t together the few times we did talk and things to help him and to even help him and his old lady out because i knew they had kids and I wouldn’t see them do without.

I guess I better get off here and get things settled here at work before I go. I am leaving in 15 minutes or so. This day is flying by right now. I hope it keeps it up and I don’t have to be at this court house for very long. I will be leaving and going straight to work from there or looking for something to do until time to go to work if it goes to fast. I will be a few miles from my night job I’m not going to come all the way back up here for a few minutes.

{January 19, 2019}   Don’t Know How To Help

So the other day I was haven a hard time with Little Bitty and I was talking to sleeping Beauty and said something about it. I was so mad with her and ready to come unglued.

He said to tell her he was coming over. I laughed said no. He asked why? I said she is having a hard time with things but she has to stop. He asked what was wrong?

I told him how she is wanting me to get ahold of her dad for her and she wants to get to know him and things.

We both had to go and didn’t really talk about it. Then later I talk to him and it came up. We were talking I went to say something and I was trying to figure out what I was trying to say. Because we were talking about helping her or how she feels.

I am at a loss for what to do or how to help her how to explain any of it to her. Really what do I say because I have told her I can’t get him that is it. I can’t say anything else because I don’t know. I was trying to figure out how to deal with her feelings how to help her with that. How she must feel. This is one area I have no idea where to start it hit me that………..

I don’t know how to help her, what to do for her. I can’t imagine what it is like or how she feels. When I was younger my dad wasn’t always around, but I knew him and knew he was there and that he loved me. We had a relationship such as it was.

Here we are days later and I still don’t know what to say or how to help her or know how she is feeling. Or any of my other kids for that matter. I think this is what I am still having the biggest problem with and so mad about with both of them. Not the money, not struggling all the time, not having to work all the hours I work or the jobs I have to do or have done. What I am mad about the most and yes a little bitter about and extremely pissed off about is the way they have just stepped out and aren’t being dads and don’t care and don’t think about the impact it is having on their children. I am mad because I can’t fix it or make it better or help them because I don’t know how, there is no way to, I am pissed off because my dad is gone and was taken way to soon and that they do not at least have him to help fill in. That I don’t still have him.

But mostly over the deadbeats that careless about their kids. I have moved on gotten over and through I guess you can say what they have done to me. But I can’t get past or over how they have done or are doing the kids. Or the fact that I can’t fix it. I do not know if I will ever get over it or come to a place with it where it don’t bother me or that I can live with it and deal with it without getting mad or wanting to rage. Because if I am honest thinking about it or talking about it puts me in a rage. I get so mad dealing with Little Bitty so very angry I have to just bite my tongue and hold back because I don’t want to take it out on her. Because she is little and dealing with a lot and a lot of feelings that she has no idea what to do with or how to handle or express. I am not mad at her as much as I am at her dad for doing her this way.

I am at work guess I should get off here and try to find something to do. I have to charge this phone again. I just took it off charge at 7 something it was at 100 after charging all night. Now it is 10 and it is 70 I have hardly been on it.

{March 17, 2017}   Depressed

I have been in a mood most the day today, I don’t know if depressed is the right word for it or not. I started the day off pretty good the kids were out of school we slept in and laid around most the day. I decided to get up and start getting things done about one or two and then the kids reminded me they needed to turn their forms in for 4h. It was due today no later we already missed deadlines but there was a lot of wrong information out so they gave them til today to get everything in. I started trying to print it all out and the printer decided it wasn’t going to work. It is out of colored ink has been for a while but I bought a black ink and that is all I was trying to use but it said blue and yellow was out so I couldn’t use it at all. I don’t know what the fuck that is all about since i bought a black ink for it. Half the stuff they were supposed to have they didn’t because they have known about this stuff since we started in September and have not once picked the book up to work on it. I ended up going to the library and printing everything out. It cost me $10. I tried to figure everything out there fill it out and Little Bitty wouldn’t stop having a fit we ended up leaving. I came home to fix what we could of it and figured out I printed the wrong information out for part of it and didn’t print stuff out for the other. We filled it out and took it all in ask them for copies of the other paperwork they printed it out gave it to us. I was pissed because I run do this for months and have a ton of money in this and they can’t do the simplest parts of it and keep up their end of what they should do or were supposed to do. They can’t do the things they are supposed to do around here.

It all just pissed me off, then thinking about sorry ass Father of the Year that does nothing how sick we have been and I can’t get a weekend to myself to get anything done. I end up rushing around to get anything and everything done and never seem to enjoy any of it anymore. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I am tired, tired of always being the responsible one and doing the right thing. I am tired of being the only one who cares, but yet no one cares about. We got that done and ran to the store and came home and I have had some drinks since then. I guess now I am depressed instead of pissed. The day started off so relaxing and then everything hit the fucking roof and now I am sitting here in the dark alone as always writing this. For once in the last 5 years I just want to feel loved, cared for, wanted by someone.

You know I haven’t felt loved or as if anyone cared about me since July/August of 2012. The old man at the bar is probably right there isn’t anyone out there that wants someone like me with 4 kids. It’s stupid because I am not looking for someone to take on 4 kids and be daddy and provide for them. I don’t even want to live with anyone right now. I just want a relationship get to know each other and things. Nothing to do with kids and the likes at least for a while.

I am so over no one being responsible and doing their part. I am tired of being the only one who does anything, I am ready to just say fuck it all and leave. I have been thinking about leaving again just take Little Bitty and go. Then I think about at that would do to the other kids how they would feel how it would affect them. At the same time I feel like who cares? No one car/es about me what I may or may not want or if I am happy so why do I care?

I am now watching a super depressing This Is Us why the guys dad dies. Just what I want to see and think about the mood that I am already in.

et cetera
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