{September 22, 2020}   Could Of Been Me

As I sit here at work in front of my computer billing away each day I listen to pod cast on my ear buds. I listen to things like 48 hours, Crime Beat and other true crime or documentaries. Sadly so many of them are about husbands killing their wives or ex wives, boyfriends killing their girlfriends or ex girlfriends. It seems so hard to believe that there are so many of these women this happens to. But then when you think of the statistics 75% + of women who leave or try to leave end up dead. But still so many people don’t believe this goes on or marginalizes how bad domestic violence is or joke’s about it. As if it is no big deal.

So many feel it won’t happen to me or it won’t happen to my friend, loved one or co worker. My son, brother, friend, uncle wouldn’t do that even when the signs are there. I don’t know if it is because people don’t know what to look for? They don’t want to believe it?

As I sit here and listen to story after story, it for some reason really hit me today, how much danger I was really in and how that any one of these women they are talking about could of been me. How it was that bad and I really could not be here today.

It made me wonder why? Why didn’t I realize it at the time? Why didn’t I see it when friends and family were pointing it out and saying it? Why wasn’t I scared? Worried? Reporting him? Why didn’t I tell anyone about him knocking me up side the head or the back of the head when he would get mad. Or him shoving me across the room or through the house screaming and spitting in my face? Why didn’t I tell about him having me so upset I would be locked in the bathroom sick while he beat the door still screaming and yelling at me while laughing.

I would sit there leaning against the door begging him to go away. To just leave me alone and stop doing this if for no other reason than because of the kids being there watching, listening. He keep on until he got fed up and he would walk off like nothing ever happened. He truly was like jekyll and hyde. One minute raging the next nothing happen cooking, playing with the kids or walk off and go watch tv.

There were time’s I thought he was going to do some thing to himself. Bff was extremely scared he was going to do something to me. We lived close like 2 blocks from each other. Any time she heard syrens she would look to see where they were going or call/message me to see if I was alright. If she was gone for the day and we weren’t together she would call or message me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. I have told you all that before I am sure. There was a few times my mom said something and my sister. My sister was scared to be around him. She would not be left alone with him even as an adult. She was worried about me and the kids.

But thinking about it I think I wasn’t scared because I always would fight back and I wasn’t scared to stand up to him and do whatever I had to in order to get away. Before I get a bunch of people attacking me. I know a lot of these women were the same way probably and how many of them did fight back to get away. But I think I was just so use to it and use to it getting worse and worse and thinking ahead to worse case or what if this or that happen. That I really just wasn’t worried about it or thought that it would just be another fight to get through and deal with. I always had the thought is this going to be the time he blacks my eye? Is this going to be the time he breaks my nose. Just all out beat my ass? What am I going to do if he does this or that. The whole time we would be fighting I would be thinking ahead if he does this I can grab that, if he was to try that I can get out this way. I would be looking around what he was close to that he may pick up to use in some way and thinking what I would do if he did.

Writing that my mind is going, oh my god it is no wonder I am the way I am. Always in a state of survival every day. Spend wondering if and when he is going to snap, how bad it was going to be and what I am going to have to do just to survive another day. But at the time you are not thinking survival. It is just your normal every day life. You are just thinking of getting through another day. Sometimes you have the thought if you were dead at least you wouldn’t be miserable and your kids wouldn’t be living in the fighting every day.

{December 18, 2016}   Could We Catch A Break

Please just until the first of the year. Last Sunday my battery in the truck went dead. I locked my keys in and had it turned on just to roll the window up. Well I forgot it and left it that for over an hour. We finally got it jumped and I came home. Thursday I had to go out for something we forgot it was getting dark. I turned the truck on and the lights and it started acting really funny all the lights started flashing off and on and it acted like it wasn’t getting enough power. I went straight to the parts store and had them test it they said the battery has a dead cell it needed replace. It is a really old battery so it probably does. Between killing it and the cold just finished what was on it’s last leg because just a week or so before a few times I tried to start it and it wouldn’t then it kicked in and started and ran fine. I wasn’t sure what was wrong then. Kind of thought maybe my starter was going but it didn’t act like starter. I figured I would drive it until it went then worry about it because I didn’t have money to fix it and sometimes they will last a while or you can mess with them get a little extra life out of it.

Anyway the part store said battery was bad and that my alternator was fine. I called Father of The Year and told him to bring my his out of his truck when he got off work because I needed to take kids to school and go on their field trip and drive kids the next morning. I have no money to get one he goes back to work Monday so he don’t need it. ( I may have told you this in a different post not sure. It’s been to crazy.) Anyway my friends boyfriend gave me the one out of his truck he wasn’t using and told me to charge it slow over night. I forgot to charge it until last night I charged it for about 12 hours.

We put it in this morning when Father of the year came to watch the kids so I could go pick up the toys. I went there and stopped at the parts house to have them test everything again. This time it was a different parts store because I wasn’t close to the other. They said battery was to low to test and the alternator needed replaced. But when I got home and was looking at the print out it shows that it is fine. I don’t know if they were just trying to sell me a part or what but if that was the case they got fooled I left because I have no money to replace it and it should be under warranty. They did sat that something should not be as high as it was but then if it wasn’t why would it say it was fine on the print from the tester I am not sure.

I have it in there it seems to be working I have went a good 35 miles or so on it since I put it in and it still starts and goes. If it was the alternator it should have killed the battery if it wasn’t charging as far as I went and as much power that truck draws I shouldn’t have gotten far. I want to take the battery back and get a new one it is still with in date but it is one that was given to him out of a car someone else knew or something so we have no information on who bought it and who to return it under. We know what store it came from but they want to put it under someones name and I don’t have anyone’s name or number to put it under. I think I am going to get a hold of my friend and see if he can run it up there and try and take it back for me. He has worked at the shops around town and the one for 10 years or more. They know him at all the parts stores and will just exchange it for him because they know he worked at the shops and does side jobs on peoples cars. It shouldn’t matter who bought it if it is still in date like this one they should have to replace it but they will probably give me a hard time over it. I just don’t feel like going around with them to get them to replace it. But I have to have a battery and this is the only option I have right now. I will probably end up having to do it myself before it’s over.

All I keep thinking is this is bullshit if he was paying me I would have money and could get one. I would have money to go buy decorations for the tree, clothes for the kids they need and to let the kids go shopping for each other and get their ornaments.

et cetera
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