A Long Slow Day

I have had two people come into work today and that is it. I have had two maybe three phone calls. I have made my calls and lined up the other appointment’s we needed for tomorrow. All that took about 15 minutes or less out of the 5 hours I have been here today.

I have spent most the day on here catching up on reading blogs because boy I was way farther behind than I thought on reading. I have written a few post and have a few more I am working on. Right now I am writing this and holding on the phone for child support enforcement to answer. They keep showing that they are sending papers to Father of the Years employer and of course and he is saying he isn’t working there and they show he isn’t earning wages at all right now. Funny he isn’t how is he paying rent and why is he driving a company truck and wearing their shirts? I knew this is what it would come down to, he already said he would do this no big surprise to me. I just hope that when he walks into court they decide to throw him in jail and let him figure out how to get out of that one. Let mommy and daddy or his not boss come off some money and bail him out. Because whatever they have to pay to get him out comes to me. At this point I don’t care who pays it. They all want to take up for him and hide him, lie for him protect him and don’t care about the kids involved then let them pay it.

I am holding with them mostly to find out what is going on with mine and RC’s case because it don’t show any actions have been taken on it. I mailed them paper work back the other day so something should happen soon. I also want to know if they plan to go after Father of the Year or just straight to RC since our divorce papers show that he isn’t the father. That is why I called but I also want to know what is going to happen in court when we go next month since everyone is lying and saying he isn’t working.

Oh joy they should be answering any minute now, they said my wait time is less than 20 minutes and I have been waiting 17.5 so far. I just hope they are helpful and I get some answers. It is always a hit and miss when talking to them rather you will get someone helpful or not. I don’t have time to go down there and take time off work to ask simple questions that I have. Before they wouldn’t tell you anything they tell you to come in they can’t give out information over the phone. Last time they talked to me and gave me information so maybe I will get lucky again. If they don’t want to give me information I am going to ask for a supervisor and tell them just that, I can’t afford to take off work and come down there to ask a couple simple questions and get information or find out why my case is at a stand still and get you all to get on the ball. Someone needs to give me some information and answer my questions.

I still have to go to my other job tonight when I finally get off here. I have to try to get there a few minutes early and talk to the owner. I am going to ask him if I can take off Thursday night. It is Little Bitty’s birthday and I told her we would go to the fair.

I got into it with the Bitch this morning about it. She asked me if I was getting off early for her birthday. I told her I only plan to go to the one job not both. She said why or something. I said because I promised her I would take her and it is her birthday. She says oh so you don’t plan to stay there either? (only 25 minutes and they have answered) You already something, in other words to lazy to do it or not willing to do it. I said no I don’t I plan to keep it and be there for a while.  Then she starts how they aren’t going to like it that I haven’t been there long and I am taking off to take my kid to the fair and blah blah. I don’t think they are really going to care because they are about family  and they know that I am the only one that is there for my kids and that when it comes down to it there are somethings that they come first and I do or have to do. That is why I took this job because it gives me some space to be able to take off and be there for them. It isn’t often and I let them know ahead of time not the last minute. Right now they have the other guy there to cover me. If it is a problem then I would rather find out now than later. Because if it is a problem then maybe I do need to find another job.

Well I talked to child support and they said to bring the pictures I have of Father of The Year working and all that. They also said they had sent payroll forms to 10 different employers that said he isn’t working for them and that they just sent a new one out the 7th of March. I asked if it was his current employer and he said he can’t tell me that. I am the one that sent them the information and told them where he was working and everything but they can’t tell me if they sent him a form and what he said. Got to love these people. I guess to protect their privacy but as far as I am concerned they have none if they are not paying for their kids and doing what they need to be and the employer is covering for them. They said they have not received the papers I mailed back yet but that they give 7 to 10 business days to get it then however long they take to get it into the computer. He said once they get it the next step is to call everyone in for the DNA test. I asked if they are going to call father of the year in or not he said that he hasn’t been ruled out because of the way the judge did the paperwork. He said that they will have to call everyone to court and show that he isn’t. But that right now they are going after RC so hopefully they won’t have to go after Father of The Year. Because the lady told me if they were going to go after him they would go after him not RC until he was proven not to be. So I am hoping that he is out of it now since they are going after RC and they don’t later try to drag him back into it. But I would say if they are going to call RC for DNA test it will show that he is the father they shouldn’t have to call the other one in at all. It’s just one more thing to deal with. I already have to miss work for court, the dna test and court with him. I don’t need to be missing work to go to court or what over something that I already addressed when I should of and now have to go back and fix the judges mistakes.

Well the good news is between being back on here and dealing with child support it is now 4pm and I only have about 50 minutes before I can leave and head to my other job.

Re: To Contact or Not Contact

Yesterday my friend J called me and said I didn’t know RC lived bla bla place. My family lives there, I was just there last week, it is only 3 hours away from me.

I said yes he was from there but I didn’t know if he was living there now or close to there or not. She said yes because they see him post about being different places around there. They seen the one place they eat at all the time on there why they were there.

I asked her if he was back with his ex or what and she said yes.

So I will not be contacting him. I will just wait and see what happens when everything plays out with child support.

 

Just Want A Daddy

Last night I laid there and held Mr. 8 while he cried his eyes out wanting his daddy. He asked if I could get a phone number for him. I told him he was supposed to give it to us and his address but that he did not give it to us he didn’t want us to have it. I also told him how he ran and hid when he seen me and oldest in the store.

He was talking about us going camping and said something about Sleeping Beauty going. I told him I did not know if he was going to go or not. He said but he said he would. I said I know what he said but I don’t know if he really is. We will see, he wants to we have to see what is going on when we decide to go if he can. Because we were talking about going camping before we were supposed to be together and he told the kids after so I don’t know what he is thinking. It wasn’t just us going it was us Bff, her aunt and him so just a big group trip and she even said something to the guy who’s house we were at the other night about going since then. But I don’t want Mr. 8 to get his hopes up that he is going to go and then be upset he don’t for whatever reason.

He laid there and cried and cried and started talking about if daddy was going to go to heaven again because he could see him there. I told him that was a long time away before he would be going to heaven and his dad would be going not to worry about that right now. I don’t know what to say to him or tell him. He asked me if he could give him a hug if we seen him somewhere or ran into him. I told him of course. That is when I told him that he ran away when he seen oldest in the store so I didn’t know if he would talk to us or not. He just cried and told me he just wants a daddy.

Little Bitty told me the other day I wish my daddy would come over and take care of me when you had to work. That way I wouldn’t have to go to work with you and I could see him and spend time with you.

This is killing me I woke up sick this morning stressed from it all. I have been sick all day thinking about it all. It is just one of them things that I can’t fix or do anything about for them. When me and Sleeping Beauty were supposed to be together it was like okay he isn’t daddy, I’m not looking to replace their dads but at least he cares about them, he wants to do things with them and fill in that void with them. After a while he would be that for them if it worked out and things they are young and they know who is there and who isn’t. It wouldn’t fix it 100% but at least it would be a big difference for them and for him too because he loves kids so much and wants kids and the feelings he has about his kids. They would help each other without even trying or knowing if that makes since.

I have thought about talking to Sleeping Beauty just asking him if he wants to be there for them, do things with them or what. Like the camping, or showing them how to do things or just being someone they can talk to when mom won’t do. But he has to be consistent he can’t tell them he is going to do something and not do it or what.

I don’t know. I don’t have that friend, dad, brother or what to help and fill that roll. Out of all the guys I know he is the one that is more into kids and doing things with them and wanting to do things and really cares. I mean like the one he isn’t in to kids around, he is more of a keep kids out of it what is between us is that and the less the kids know the better. I understand because he isn’t looking for a relationship and I don’t want them in it either because of it. If we were together he would be good with me kids and do things but if he isn’t he isn’t interested in that kind of things. I understand I don’t want to take more kids on than my own. My “friend” he is okay with kids but he is use to being on his own and just the one and he just awkward I guess when it comes to kids that aren’t his. Other than that I have my male bff but he is busy working all the time like me and has his wife and 5 little boys at home of his own he hardly gets to see. He don’t have time.

I think I should just leave it alone let it all play out however it is going to but I feel so bad for them. I just want life to straighten out and to catch some kind of break. My kids to just be happy for a change.

Deadbeat Sighting 2

Today me and the girls ran to the store before work. Oldest ran in and she called me in a little bit said she was in line and he was at the bank at the store. I drove around to see if he came out but he did not. She did and as we were leaving she said there he is coming out of the store. I pulled up by wjere he was parked and ask him what happen, why he hadn’t come or called in the last week or two like he said. He couldn’t he jad bills blah blah. I said and so do your kids and needs. To bad they come first. I will get a hold of you tomorrow he said. I saod that is what you told them last weeknor week before and a year and a half ago when you walked away and left them.

I said I told you I am going to have you arrested and go after your dl and turn your boss in if you didn’t the other week and you walk away now I am doing it and I am going to call your boss and let him know what is going on. Is that what you want? No no O don’t I will call you tomorrow. I said no your here now was just at the bank go get them what you owe them give them. I can’t I don’t have it. I have to go I have stuff to do. I said I am calling your boss to let him know I am turning him in and that you have known for weeks what you had to do in order to keep it from happening and did not bother. Guess that is what you want right? No i will get with you tomorrow. I said you will deal with it today or I am calling. I said better yet I do it right now. Pulled my phone out said @$!= @$!!÷ service, city state. Google started spewing the address and phone number. I moved so he could backout got his boss on the phone. Held phone up so he could see someone was on it i was talking.

His boss answered and we had a nice long chat. I told him everything. He said as far as he knew he was taking care of it he ask him about it before. He said i give you $150 a week from his check $600 the first of every month. $500 for his monthly and $150 for back pay. Write me a letter and I will be going to take it to him let him know this is what is going to happen. I said he says he can’t afford to pay that much I know is a lie. He was like well he can and if that is what he says then I will work him on saturdays. He said he pays him rent and he is paying him for the truck that he is driving and now he will make sure i get the $650 a month. We will see, i would love to be a fly on the wall when he goes tells him this is how it is going to be. If he don’t agree to it then he risk losing his house, ride and job. He already lied to him about it all once. So their true colors are going to show through or they are going to suck it up and do it and she is going to make life hell for him once the boss leaves.

He said I am a Christina and he needs to take care of those kids and their needs. I have told him that and that it isn’t right. His dad left them and skipped paying as well. So he knows it isn’t right but he not all on the up and up either and he ripping him off on the truck and trailer deal. But hey he is getting what he gives. I just wrote it up on my phone and sent it to him. So he should be going over there sometime between now and Monday. He wanted it as soon as i could get it to him so it could go into effect.

No Show Deadbeat

Not surprising the deadbeat did not show up or call today. I am really not surprised at all. I sat down last night and figured how far behind he is. He owes $9400 as of this Friday that just passed. But no one will do anything about it. It is pretty sorry these guys are able to walk away from their responsibilities so easily and no one does anything. No matter how much you beg and ask.

It really should be a criminal charge to not pay and take care of your kid/s. It is one thing if there is a reason you really can’t and you are there other ways or what. But when you do like he is and not doing anything and have the money coming in. Its messed up.

 

My oldest said she isn’t surprised and expected it. But I know it hurts and there was that small tiny shred of hope that was crushed. And it hurts just as bad. I hurt for her. I just want to go knock on his door be like here you go you said bring them over. Buckle up they are moving in because ai can’t do it anymore. Leave them for like two weeks. Tell them to make their lives hell why they are there. After the first 24/48 they be bringing them back and paying. If only that would work. I am mailing the paper off to irs Monday and as soon as i can get to the court house filing for him to go to jail and lose his dl. See how he works then with none and from jail. How his boss likes it when they come knocking on the door he ends up in jail as well. Fun times are about to come their way.

Deadbeat Dad Sighting

Today me and my oldest went up to the store like we do most days before I go to work. We went and picked up the things they needed and then went over to the grocery to pick up what my mother needed. I decided to get a wrape to take to work for the day. It is so late by the time I get home I don’t feel like getting left overs out and heating everything up and some nights they eat all of it there is none.

Normally I would wait in the truck and oldest would go in. She did at the other store I was so hot. So I decided to go in with her so I wouldn’t be hot and since I was ordering food as well.

We go to the side where the deli is and are waiting in line. In a few minutes out of the corner of my eye I see a group of guys in matching bright colored shirts standing off to the side and looking at us. All crowded up together talking. Two looked kind of young the other I didn’t get a good look at as I turned back around something said look again you know him. I turned looked itnwas my ex. He looked horrible. His hair is long dirty and nasty. His beard or attempt to grow one was dirty and nasty.

I stepped around to my oldest and whispered in her ear because she had not seen them or me looking at them. I said there is your dad standing right over there. If you want to talk to him or say anything to him go ahead and do it. Because she was asking me to take her to see him she wanted to talk to him last week. She said no no I don’t want to. I said that is fine but if you do go ahead there is nothing wrong with it. She said he might start or what he would say. I told her he would not start anything or say anything at all because of us being in the store he dont want to look like the ass he is. She said no she had nothing to say to him she didn’t want anything to do with him.

I looked up he took off went to the back of the store and down the back by the meat and things. I told her he is hiding until we leave or went to the truck to hide. Sorry ass standing 4 ft if that from us. Then a couple of the guys got in line for their food. I said loud enough for them to hear me so daddy he is not had any contact with his kids in a year and a half then stand two foot from her and runs to hide. Everyone looked, they just stood there not knowing what to say because I looked right in their direction and said it.

We got our food I walked right to the back of the store the way he went we walked all the store and came back up to the service desk to check out right in the front. I told her he will be back at the counter or sitting in the truck. Sure enough he went up the aile and ran back to the deli and was in line to get his food with the other guy.

I said ok that is fine we are going to wait until he comes out in a minute drive right up take a picture of him getting in the company’s truck with all the guys in their matching shirts. Let his boss and him tell the courts he isn’t working then. We drove around found the truck so I could sit outbof sight but close enough to get pictures and pull up before he left. As I came past the store I seen them all sitting at tables inside eating instead of coming out. Done I parked my truck got out and walked my ass right back into the store.

I turned my phone on to record as we were walking through the store and over to him. Him and about 6 or 8 of the guys were there sitting and eating by then. They all looked like oh shit when they seen me and my oldest walk around the corner. I know they seen us drive by the truck was laughing because they weren’t coming out. Thought i would go on and not come in I am sure.

I just smiled at them all walked right up to the table to deadbeat and said look here is the deal you know we don’t want to be here we want to leave and move. If I pay for it all and go to court will you just sign your rights up and leave is alone? Again the wow shit she just walked in and said this just matter of fact in front of everyone. He had this look of I don’t know what on his face and says uh um can we talk about this outside? I said well I was going to but you ran and was hiding and then didn’t come out, so I came to you. He jumped up and headed outside.

I some how got infront of him and oldest got mixed in the shuffle. I was in a hurry because I had to get to work. I heard him behind me say something to oldest and turned to look. I guess he tried to give her a hug or something she was ducking back and pulling away and just stopped walking. She started crying her eyes out. I told her come up there with me walk with me. She didn’t even want to walk past him to get to me or get close to him. I moved around that made him have to move further away and me netween them. I took her hand and pulled her up to by me we walked out into the lobby area of the store. I gave her the keys and told her to go get in the truck gave her a hug. He was saying I love you, I love you she couldn’t even look at him.

By now we are outside the door of the store he starts about why do you want me to sign my rights up? You know I love them. I said look it has been a year and a half since you seen or spoke to them and your not paying a dime. He says almost a year and a half not yet though. I am already mad and been shaking since we first seen him. That just went through me. It has been 15 months!!!! Are we really going to really split hairs over 15 vs. 18??? Really??? It should not even be a question of any months much less 15 vs. 18!!

I said she is crying her eyes out because you have had nothing to do with them it is Summer time and they have gotten to do nothing because I been working three jobs to just keep bills paid. I lost two of those and hardly keeping things going. They can’t go anywhere do anything doing without things they need like clothes and everything else.

He says why haven’t you brought them to the house? They can come over there. I said they do not want to come to your house they do not want to be around her. They don’t want to stay with her or have anything to do with her or see her. They don’t want to stay with you and at your house either.

This point we have moved from infront of the door to the store to my truck.

You have not been in their life for a year and a half you think your going step back in like nothing happen. No I understand. I said I need to move somewhere I have help, I need to move somewhere me and these kids can afford to live and not struggle. You need to sign over full custody or your rights so that I can do that. Okay okay I will sighn over full custody. I will go to the court house next week and get the papers and fill them out and get them turned in and do what I have to do to take care of that. I said I can do like allf the kids are telling me to and just up and leave and tell you nothing. Like they said you wouldn’t know if we are still in the county or moved 10 states away. I said but I am trying to do everything legally. I said like Elisha said he is going to go to court and tell the judge my dad is not in my life he has nothing to do with us and we want to live with our mom and we want to move out of state and we are going to go no matter what the judge says because my daddy has no say in my life anymore he ran away from us and has nothing to do with us. He again said okay I am going to get it taken care of.

Something was said about child support I said I still can not afford to live here even with it and we don’t want to. He said I know I will see what I can do start bringing you money this week get the papers taken care of next week. I said how much? He said I can probably do $100 a week. I said you are over $6000 behind that was last I figured it up its been a while. $100 hardly pays what you owe in a month. You need to be paying like $200 a week. He said I can’t do that. I said you need to figure out how you are going to get me caught up you need to give me more than $100 a week. He said he could try to do $150. He ask if he could come Saturday and see the kids and bring me money? Said he gets off late on Friday unless I wanted him to bring it late when he got off. I said no you need to get a hold of me and set something up. I work the weekends and we will have to figure out how you are going to see the kids when I am off and how they want to see you if they do. I said she better not come to my house even to drop money off nothing at all. The kids do not want her around and as for seeing you it is all 10p% up to them if and when and how and it will be on my days off. I figure I need to be off so that if they want to come home something happens they can call me and let me know and I can make him bring them home or go get them. If I am at work he can take them home or go get her and take her out with them that isn’t going to fly. If Ibam off I can go get them if he pulls that.

He said something about not letting him see them. I said oh no no do not even go there. I said you know where they are I have never told you, you could not see them. I have never kept them from you. I said you walk right by them going in and out of stores and everything else just like today and not say a word to them. I do not I haven’t seen them in a year and a HALF he says. I said yes this day at this store you did this. I didn’t see her in the truck. I said yes you did you drove around my truck looked at her and drove away. This store you walked right by her ran jumped in the car with your druggie buddy and left. What druggie buddy? I said the one you were stuck to like glue that came in my job and tried to get me fired. Oh him i don’t talk to him or hangout with him since I foundout he was a piece of shit. I said your right there with him don’t speak to your kids see them or pay a dime for a year and a half. He didn’t say anything.

I said and why you tell people he adopted my daughter your paying support on all 4 and I am not letting you see them that is a lie you know it and you need to stop telling people that. I didn’t, I didn’t that never came out of my mouth. I said well I have heard it from a few people now and that better come to a stop.

The subject of paying me and all that came up again he started saying something. I said well if I take you to court you are going to lose your license and go to jail so you better figure something out. And I have the paper all filled out to send irs to let them know how your boss is working everyone of you under the table and no one is paying taxes or anything. You all have no idea what me and these kids have gone through to survive the last year and a half and gone without and everything else. Lets see how itvis when you all have no job and he has to answer to irs. Why everyone thought it would be funny to sit and let us struggle. Okay i will get it taken care of I will get the papers turned in in the courts for custody. Then tells me his phone is dead he can’t use it he needs a new one. I said so you had all this extra money in the last year and a half you should of bought one. I don’t care what you have dont have or need. You better get a hold of me and do everything you said because I have the paper right in this box and i will turn it in.

I am sure it is probably a bunch of empty promises as always. But I have given him a chance and when i turn the papers in he goes to jail has no license and his boss is in trouble with the irs. They all come at me with what, why and everything. I have it all recorded what was talked about and supposed to be done. So he didn’t hold up his end of the deal then I held up mine. He didn’t care enough about his kids job or boss to do what needed to be done then why should I care?

He started again about going to child support enforcement. I said I can’t because your working under the table and your boss lies says you dont work there. I said why do i need to go there? You know what you owe you know when and where your kids are why don’t you just give it to them? He didn’t say anything. Thinking about it now if I go to them they are going to take it right from his check before be see’s it. If he has to bring it to me give it to me then he has to fight with her about giving it to me and how much and bringing it to me and her not coming with him. I bet he don’t tell her he seen me today and he don’t tell her he is going to come see them or bring them money. I bet he tells her he has to work Saturday and his check was short or he lent someone money. To stay out of trouble with her.

I don’t care, they went behind mine and my kids back and done us this way, I do not have to welcome her to my house or tell my kids they have to go around her. If he don’t get a hold of me Saturday like he said I am going to turn boss in. If I see him saturday, I am going to tell him you know what you owe all this we have struggled the last year and a half why you spent you need to get a lone from somewhere and give me a good chunk of it back and make payments to whoever because the kids need stuff now not $50 a week. Or i will go to court so they can tell you to pay the chunk now and go from there.

72 Days Too Many

The last few days I have been thinking about the fact that Father of the Year and RC do nothing again. I am here 24/7/365 days a year doing everything and never get a break hardly or have to rely on when someone else can do it and can’t even pay them to do it. My friend Wanda I help a lot who watches them for me and helps me that is it. My friend J I have to pay to watch them. I understand their time and things as well. But it isn’t like I don’t help her and haven’t done a lot for her as well most without ever being asked. She says she will watch them but then never does or offers or can’t unless I am paying. My friend Wanda that I help will offer to come over and sit with the kids so I can get out. She will tell me see what your “friend” is doing I will come sit with the kids so you can get out for the night or whatever. If my friend is busy she is the only other one that goes out with me if I go so then I am sitting alone if she is at home babysitting for me to go out. That’s no fun, last time I paid J to sit with the kids so me and Wanda could go out. I go by myself but I don’t like to.

I feel like it is just another hoop to jump through to get to go out. I have to make sure the kids are feed and ready for bed and things before I go, I have to pick Wanda up and bring her to the house before I go and then by up bright and early with the kids the next morning and to take her home. Where if Father of the Year and RC were doing their parts I could just get ready, go out and enjoy myself. Not thinking the whole time are the kids okay, are the kids listening, do they need anything, I shouldn’t be out the kids are there, I should be with the kids, I have to be home before the kids get up, I have to get some sleep before the kids get up and the list can go on and on. I feel like I am on a time crunch to hurry do what I want to do and rush home. I know I am not and that the kids are fine and that I need to get out some and it is good to have a break but I can’t help but feel that way. Where as if the kids were with their fathers I wouldn’t have to worry about all that. I would know they were fine, I wouldn’t have to worry about being home in time for anything or what I need to do with them or any of that. I could have a kid free night/day and just relax. But we all know that is never going to happen.

Father of the year only has to be a father by law 72 days and a 104 hours give or take. He is supposed to have them other times too but that is not set just as we work out. But the number of days he is supposed to have them no matter what or how much I like it is every other weekend he is supposed to have them Friday after school until he drops them off at school Monday morning. Three whole nights!! Then he is allowed to pick them up one day a week every week for a few hours no set amount if you figure even 2 after school a week at the least. Just to see them spend some time with them. And he can’t do it, he can’t be a father 72 days out of 365 days in a year. How sad is that? But yet I am the one here every day no matter what doing it.

RC he don’t have any set days he has to be a father at all or anything set that he has to pay. I told him he could see her anytime he wanted as much as he wanted and just help me make sure she had what she needed when it came to helping take care of her. Because when he don’t have his problem he is great with his kids. He is all about spending time with them, taking them places, doing things they want to do, or just hanging out at home acting silly and being a kid with them and he makes sure they have what they need and tries to get them the things they want. I didn’t think I would have a problem with him doing what he was supposed to do. But that was before I knew about his problem and how bad it was getting and he decided to let it take over than get help. I tried to go get help to get him to at least pay his part but couldn’t because of the divorce. I have to go back now and see what I can do and how long it will take. Even if I can handle the things they need on my own they should get to do things they want to do and that right now I just don’t have the extra for.

It isn’t even the money that bothers me so much as the fact that they are never here for their kids. They don’t care enough to make an effort to see them and be a part of their life. I just don’t get how they can be that way. How they can not care at all or not care enough to think about how it is affecting them now and how it will affect the in the long run. It bothers me because I am here doing it all and can’t have a break once in a while no matter how hard I am working and doing what I am supposed to do while they are all off doing whatever they want enjoying life without a care in the world or a thought about anything or anyone but them and their needs and wants.

I know I know I have said this same stuff a 100’x before probably and bitched about it on here but that is just where I am again today. No pill or anything else is going to take the fact that I am the only one here every day doing it and that I never get a real break away. It isn’t going to take the fact that I have no life or the fact that like I said in my other post I haven’t felt loved or cared about in 5 years away. It isn’t going to change anything it isn’t going to let me have these things so it seems like what is the point in taking it. Just so I can kind of feel happy or better? I still have all these thoughts and feelings inside. It just makes me able to fake it to others a little better.

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