Single___Parent___Life











{February 27, 2021}   A Good Month

As some of you know I lost my dad unexpectedly February 8 2015. That was the worst thing ever. I did not take it well and still have a hard time. If you have been around you probably know I am not a big drinker. I had one drink between last February and now.

A few day’s before he passed I started drinking in the morning and drink until that night. I never drink in the morning or even the afternoon for that matter. But I did that day. I was feeling bad about everything and wanted a drink. A drink I had. Jack and coke and whatever else i found. I couldn’t drink anymore by the time my friend came to check on me.

I wish I could say that was the first and only time something like this happened but it wasn’t. It seem to happen every February sins he passed. I can be doing good trying to keep my mind on other things. But it seems to never fail i hit a low low point that month and I binge drink. I go to work go home get ready and go out with friends. I drink until I can’t drink anymore and drink some more after I get sick. I have drink so much I hardly knew what was going on. The couple of years were the worst slowly just got worse.

I thought of it the other day and it is the end of the month and I haven’t drink or even wanted to drink. I haven’t had that major depressed feeling come over me and slowly get worse until I feel like it is consuming me. Until I just don’t care and drink to not feel or think about it.

I have had a ruff week with everything that happen Monday. Between that and the stress of trying to move and dealing with the Bitch. I hardly slept this last week. Few hours here and there and that is interrupted. I have had horrible dreams, nightmares, and just wake up off and on all night. Last night was a hard night. But it was just pure exhaustion from not sleeping. I sit here and just wanted to cry over everything. But I still didn’t want to drink. I finally just turned everything off and cried myself to sleep. I slept a little but still not a lot. Was still up and down all night and a wake at 6am.

I am just happy it has been a much better February than the last 5.



{February 12, 2020}   I Don’t Want To Be Anywhere

As you all know I have been in a not so great place mentally the last few weeks. Today things are just really turning worse. I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to be at home and around the kids or the Bitch and my some what of an escape work that I use to have isn’t any better right now. I don’t want to be there either. I just want to walk or sleep, I don’t even want to be at home in my bed to sleep. I just want to be anywhere but here dealing with my life and everything that is going on in it right now. I feel like if I could just walk at some point everything would be okay.

It is weird I can remember back when I first started having my anxiety and depression problems when I was about 14 I always just wanted to walk. I never knew where I was going or anything. I just felt that if I just started walking at some point everything would be okay. I don’t mean just a walk around the block or up the street. I mean just walk and keep walking. I told Jw and Bff today I could leave my day job this morning walk the 25+ miles to my night job and probably never think twice about it and keep walking right past it and not be bothered. It is and odd feeling. Like I need to find this place and if I do everything will be okay. I know that isn’t right but I feel so free when I am walking, I don’t feel confined or like I have to………. I just don’t know how to explain the feeling at all. You would think that driving would be just as good but it really isn’t. Driving feels like something else I have to do and think about. Where if I am just walking I don’t have to really think about or worry about anything.

I thought of it today when my dad stopped drinking a long time ago, he would call me and he would be walking. I would ask him where he was going he say he didn’t know he was just walking. Sometimes he would be walking up to the little store to get something sweet because he ate a lot of donuts when he stopped drinking. But he had a brand new truck he could of drove anywhere but he still walked. I don’t know what it is about mental illness that makes you just want to walk or feel like you need to walk. I know my dad had some mental illness he was dealing with as well. My grandma did and his brothers and sisters do too. It runs in the family on both sides sadly so I got a big huge heaping double dose of it. Luck me. The last few years really dealing with it more than ever other than when I first started having problems as a kid I can 100% understand and see why my dad said and did a lot of the things he did. I admire him for being able to do some of the things he did. I use to think how can he do that, how can he say that, how does he not feel bad about that. But now I see because I am seeing I am more and more like my dad when it comes to things. I can understand it like I never could before. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one who ever felt that way or feels that way. I know I am not but I know that someone understands or understood how I am feeling even if they dont’ know or never knew that one day I would be going through the same things.

Today has just been a bad day from the time I woke up. I found out yesterday on my way to my night job they are putting a friend in hospice care. She is only my age. She had cancer a few years ago and beat it. Found out she has it back somewhere and was doing treatments. They life flighted her out a few days ago to a bigger icu and then the next day over to hospice. They found a mass on her brain the other day on top of everything else she has going on.

This morning i wake up to my friends 16 year old daughter missing. We haven’t had time to catch up in a while. She said she has been to Circles of Care 5 time and put away once. Last night she said she was going in the backyard for fresh air and left. Her and my oldest are only 3 months apart in age. When they were just 6 and 3 months old i use to watch her. Then when I had my house they use to come over her mom would stay with my kids give me a break.

Then sitting at work I see my friend that does my hair. Her mom passed away today. Her brother was just hit by a car and killed last year. I can only imagain how she is feeling.

It’s like no one can catch a break right now and i am so off and dealing with my own shit I can’t be there for anyone else. I feel bad because they all have been there for me.

I feel bad poor JW is just along for my moody depressed train wreck of a ride my life is right now. He just keeps saying its okay, everything is going to be fine how can i help. I dump on him or just in a blah mood when we are together I feel bad. I keep telling him I’m sorry. He just keeps saying there is nothing to be sorry about and he is there for me, he understands and things.



Seems as good of a place as any to start at this point. At work we had two drivers mothers pass away with in 24 or less of each other. They were both on the road at the time. They had to jump of the truck and fly home. We had to shuffle drivers out to meet their trucks so they could jump on them and keep going. Then we had to figure out how to fill their spots why they were gone. All on top of trying to figure out how to fill two or three other drivers spots because they left or came off the road for different reasons and are no longer going to be driving. They were at the end of their notices when this happen. The boss has been sick and missing a lot of work. The owner I have hardly seen this month.

The one driver who lost his mother, I don’t know him. I know of his name when they said it but I can’t even put a face with the name because I don’t see them enough. I know names with voices more than faces with this job since it is a lot of phone work. I am glad for caller id so that I can put a name with who is calling when I don’t know who it is. I am not sure what happen to his mom if she was sick or this was unexpected something happen. They just said she passed he was on a plane home and so and so was on their way to meet his truck and jump on it since he had to jump off.

The other guy that lost his mom was the one that comes in and talks to me that wants to take me and the other guy out for drinks. He tried to get me to go out to get something to eat or drinks with him all the time. I don’t know what happen with his mom either. I know she had been sick or had something going on since I started there back in March. That is when I first met him he was in talking to the guy I work with about his time off and being there for her surgery and things. I don’t know if it was something to do with what she was getting treated then of something else. I didn’t really ask, he hasn’t said anything about it really. When it first happen he called to let me know that he was going to New York and what routes he was going to miss and when he was going to be back. He said something about he guess I knew what happen or what then. I told him yes I had heard and sorry things but that is all we have talked about it.

Then there is the third one and this will be the big one that you all will know the most about because I have talked about this person here some. I think probably the just of her here in this post 80 Years. She is the one that my friend was taking care of the baby for this time last year. She had his first birthday for him, first Christmas, first steps everything with him. Mom was someone I knew from massage therapy school but wasn’t really friends with. We had met a few years later our kids were in school together. I tried to help her let her come over hang out and things but she was still using and started hanging out with a bunch of guys and things again. She was bringing them around and dragging her kids around with all these guys she just met and things. I stopped having anything to do with her. Shortly after that she lost custody of both her kids. She had two more I think it was and gave them up for adoption. She got pregnant again and decided to keep this one. Hints how my friend ended up with the baby when her and dad went to jail. As you can see dad isn’t getting out anytime soon. Mom got out right before Christmas and got him back. My friend had him off and on a few times over the next couple months.

Then her and her husband split and started the divorce process and she had a lot going on. Then the mom kept calling and messaging her telling her she needed a break and she hadn’t gotten to sleep in days or the baby was sick and she needed a break and the baby needed this or that. She told her she needed to be a mom and do what she needed to do to take care of him. She wasn’t going to have him all the time and her snatch him back and forth when she felt like it or just for show to make it look like she was being mommy. They had this conversation before her and her husband split because he wanted her to get him back and just keep him. What ever one was saying she was just using her and playing mommy when she felt like it. She finally seen and backed off then when everything happen with her husband after they split she stop having anything to do with her.

I guess it was two Sunday’s ago she called me before 9 a.m. Let me say I had not really talked to her at all in months now. Maybe a minute here and there she had let Sleeping Beauty come back and live with her. She had called and told me about that a few weeks before. I agreed with her family and told her she was wrong. Between that and him being there and her not being allowed to talk to me when he is there I haven’t heard from her. I had tried to call her since then and she don’t answer. She sends it to voicemail. I leave her messages and send her messages and she don’t reply. I guess it was a week and half a go on Sunday she called me I didn’t answer it. She called a second time right in a row and then sent a text. The text said she was going into her class at 9 wouldn’t be out until 3 but she had to tell me something important. I figured it had to do with Father of the Year. I figured I should call her back and see what it was so I didn’t have to wait all day wondering. I called her back and she answered. She said she could only talk a minute but that she had to tell me something and I couldn’t say anything to anyone at all or on line because only one other person knew.

Then she told me that the babies mom had died that morning. She said another friend of ours had just called and told her. She said the mother went into her room and she was on her hands and knees by the bed and she said something to her. She didn’t reply she walked over said something again and she didn’t move or say anything. She moved her rolled her over she just fell over I guess, said she wasn’t cold all over but parts of her were and her lips and things were blue. Said she called 911 and started cpr. I don’t know who was there with her or helping her. They said the baby wasn’t there her oldest son was but they said he didn’t see her. There are so many people in and out of the house it could of been her guy of the day or her brother or one of her moms friends who knows. I’m glad the kids didn’t see her. The baby was with her man of the week parents house and I talk to Bff Monday and she said they still have him. I can’t believe they have not gotten this baby back I am sure they probably hardly know this guy or his parents but that is how they are. They don’t care.

They said that the EMT got there, walked in checked her pause said she was gone and walked out. Called for someone to come and pick her up. No CPR, odd drug intervention or anything else. Bff and our other friend were surprised. But like I told them she was already blue, CPR wasn’t doing anything and she wasn’t responding in any way they wouldn’t use it.

I was surprised but not surprised when she told me she had died, Bff is all upset and freaked out about it and feels bad she hadn’t talk to her and things in a while or help her. She didn’t “council” her and things. I said look it is not your fault if you had been talking to her or not this would of still happen because she chose the drugs over everything else. She went to jail you took her child in gave him a home made sure he was safe and okay. She was clean and with in days of being out was back on stuff. The night she brought her out with us she was on something. Her aunt said something to me about it. I said I thought the something but I was going nice.

It is sad to say that I had been seeing the babies mom’s post on line the last few weeks and days before she passed and was thinking about what kind of life that poor baby was going to have and how he was going to grow up. I was thinking about what he was going to grow up to be like or how he was going to be. How it wasn’t his fault and how he could be so much more and had such a future and how he is only two years old and that is pretty much shot to hell and back because of the situation he was born into. The people he is being taken around and the things that may or may not happen to him the things that he was going to see and be a part of and go through at such a young age. How it would just be worse as he got older. It was sad she kept him and didn’t give him up like the other two. Then in a few days she calls and tells me she is dead.

I feel bad for her older son as well because she didn’t have custody of him hasn’t for years. Her family took him and the little girl. They kept the girl and gave the boy back. He has been passed around and ended up with her mom and she has been staying there too. But her mom don’t want him she has made it known. Here he is everyone wants the little girl and keeps her, no one in the family wants the baby boy my friend had because he is mixed but there are families that still want him. Then there is him the oldest that now such as mom was she was there and he was starting to have a relationship with him. Now she is gone where does that leave him and who is going to take care of him? My friend is talking about taking the baby and her mom and the dads mom has asked her to and told her they would let her adopt him fully. She is debating on it.

I told her the other night to just do it if they are going to give her fully adoption then I would do it but if they weren’t then I wouldn’t. It isn’t like he is going to cost her all that much more. Bills aren’t going to go up, she has to have the same house and things regardless if he is there or not. The dads family will help her with clothes and things if she needs it. Even if they don’t like I told her he will be okay just like everything else we would figure it out. He didn’t ask to be here they are all a big part of his life what is going to happen to him if she don’t get him. I don’t know what she has decided. I haven’t talk to her about it again since. We were messaging and I was at work. I had to get back in and get things done. I was going to go to breakfast with her this morning but we both had awards at the school for the kids this morning.

I can’t say I was surprised about her passing and I told Bff that it was just a matter of when with her as bad as she was and the people she had started hanging around with the last month or so. She could get things a lot easier than before that and more of it. I don’t know that I thought something would happen so soon. I figured it be a while once she really messed this kid and his life up and he was into trouble and things. Another few years. When she told me it was like she told me oh it’s going to rain in an hour or two. I didn’t feel anything either what way about it.

I am going to try to get with her tonight or in the morning and talk hang out.

 

So that is the bad that has happen the last few weeks since I have written. Few other things may of happen but nothing major that I can think of. If I do I will add it on another post. But I think that is all the bad for now.



{October 23, 2019}   Sleepwalking

I feel like that is how I have been getting through life just sleepwalking through it. I have felt so sleep deprived lately I almost can’t function. I have had a hard time driving home more times than I will admit to the last month. I have just hit that burnt out point in the year. Where I have worked to the point I am over worked and need vacation somewhere cut off from the world and all human interaction. Okay I know I am dreaming but I need a break of some kind. We haven’t done our girls night out in a really long time either so I am just working, sleeping repeat, time with kids on the weekend and jump back into the week. Not having that break and things getting busier at both jobs and the time getting ready to change always throws everything off. I am trying to acclimate I think.

I think the time change has a lot to do with it. I don’t know why but it always throws me off I think it’s worse this year with the hours I am working. The fact that my dads birthday is tomorrow don’t help either. The guy at work said something about it would of been his dads birthday it hit me that my dads was coming up this month. It was one of them things you know but not thinking about or keeping track of. Now it has been there nagging me for the last few weeks. I am going to get one of them chines lantern things and do. I am debating on doing tomorrow on break at my night job or waiting until the weekend and doing it with the kids somewhere. I don’t know how they would feel about it or be interested in doing it.

A lot has been going on I have wanted to write but just can’t concentrate when I sit down and try. It has been busy at my day job even when it isn’t the guys have been around and in the office a lot lately too. My night job things are so strictly watched and looked at I don’t want them seeing all my stuff. I hardly use the computer for anything other than work or to watch things when there is nothing to do. My phone has no service I have to hook it to the wifi to get on line and that is blocked so things can’t be done.

This morning thought I am in a good place. I am starting to feel like all the struggle and work I have been through the last 4 years is paying off and I have made that turn. I just want to write today and catch everyone up on what has happened and all that is going on. But I have to work some. So I am going to get off here for now and make my calls. Then I will have a while to jump back on and catch you all up on everything or most everything at least.



{September 23, 2019}   Worried About My Boys

Last week bff called me and told me that she seen on R.C’s ex father in laws page that his wife died. I didn’t even know that she was sick or had been. I hadn’t really looked at their pages in a long time. I look once in a while and look at pictures and save them for my Little Bitty. She don’t know she has brothers or sisters but I want her to. I plan to tell her, but I don’t know when or how. It will probably be in the not to far future. She has made comments about her dad having other kids but hadn’t put the two together. I don’t know what will happen once we go to court once we get a date. But I am sure that things will probably come up.

I do not know how things are or have been with the boys and their mother. I don’t know if she has been doing okay or not. I know she had another baby around the time I had Little Bitty. That guy wasn’t in the picture and she was staying with her mom. I know they seem to be doing pretty good there. But I think at one point she had moved out and they may not have been talking by somethings that her mom had posted on her profile. But then someone told me that she had been staying there and helping with her mom since she been sick.

But I know that someone else passing away was when she started taking pills and ended up hooked on them. Even if she has been doing good all this time and things her being there taking care of her mom through this and then her passing I am worried this could push her over the edge. Her step dad is back over seas working like he has been the last 7 or 8 years. She passed on the 29 of August he got in town that day or night and left around the 17 of September. I don’t know if he has plans of coming home to stay at any point or not. I am guessing probably not if he didn’t all this time that his wife was here and sick and things. There isn’t really anything to come home to.

But at this point the boys really have no one to look out for them and take care of them if she don’t or gets back on something. I worry where they are going to go or what is going to happen with them. I kind of wish that I had reach out sooner and tried to let them have a relationship with them. Maybe it would have worked out and at least I would be seeing them and know if something was happening or going on. I don’t know at least give them someone to talk to come to for help if it happens.

I don’t know how the kids are doing or handling all this either because they were all so close to her. If she is in any state of mind to help them deal with it all either. I worry about that as well.

I don’t know if she is online or post much because I never see anything from her. Once in awhile he will post something but not often since he isn’t home. Most the time the things I got were from the moms page. I may watch and see when he is going to be home again and reach out to him about getting the kids together. See what he says. I honestly hadn’t up to this point because of the mother. I didn’t want to get involved with her and the way she is. I figured she would tell her not to. Just the way she was in the past.



{April 15, 2019}   Little Bitty’s Birthday

I just noticed that I hadn’t posted about Little Bitty’s birthday or the days around it. Other than about not being motivated to write and things. I thought I had written about it and just went to see if I had posted something else and seen I hadn’t posted either.

The 4th was her birthday I took off from my night job and took the kids all to the fair that was in town. We were all supposed to go, my the kids, Bff and her kids and her Aunt and her son and Sleeping Beauty. We made plans made sure we were all going to be able to make it and everything.

Then as I was running to the store and talking to Bff about heading her way and when they would be ready she got a phone call. It was Sleeping Beauty and he just got a phone call saying his aunt only had a few hours to live. He needed to go to where she was at. She said he was stuck south of us and was trying to get home, she was going to have to take him because his mom was already gone. I told her it was alright not to worry about it I would get her kids and take them do what they had to do and we would make it work.

I told Little Bitty that she wasn’t going to go what was going on. She said well Bff better go fast and get him there because she drives slow and he needs to get there fast she can’t drive slow she needs to make sure he gets there fast. She understood and was more worried about him getting there before something happen to his aunt than them not being there. She is so caring and loving.

Bff’s daughter ended up bringing her kids to the fair and meeting us there and I picked up her aunt and son and brought them with me. We all had a good time. The kids left about an hour or so earlier than we did. I don’t know why but her oldest decided to go ahead and take them home.

Little Bitty still had a good time and enjoyed her birthday.

They ended up coming home later that evening, she came around an was asking to eat and things. They headed home. I told her that they will do things like that right before it happens sometimes. That if they thought that was a good sign it probably wasn’t. She said no they knew and that someone there had said that too. But that for now she was okay and they were coming back.

That was Thursday, Friday she took him to his moms and dropped him off and he went up with her to go back and see her. She is about 2 hours from where we are maybe more. His mom is a lot closer so that worked out. She messaged me about 4 that afternoon said that she just passed.

This past Wednesday when we were all out he was sitting there next to me in the booth and he said oh yeah he said we are supposed to go to my aunts service this weekend but we aren’t going. He said his mom was over all his aunts affairs and that her kids and her had been into it. Said they were mad that she shut her credit cards down and wouldn’t let them use them and things. He said they have said and done all kinds of things to his mom and they decided they just weren’t going to go.

I said I didn’t blame them and that I understood. Isn’t it wonderful how death brings out the worse in people. I said I have seen it so much. Even my grandpa’s funeral and passing was a mess because of my aunt. He said yeah it was messed up and that it wouldn’t end good if they ended up going and things. So they were just staying home.



{March 11, 2019}   An Evening Full Of Questions

Me and the kids went with bff and her kids out to lunch this afternoon and then the pet store. When we left there she went to drop the baby she was watching off and I went to run home and walk dogs. I had some of her kids and she had some of mine.

I was about home and she called to say she was running back north of us where we had just come from to pick someone up. I was confused she said they were going to be coming through there soon and wanted to know if she would pick them up. It was sleeping Beauty. He told her earlier he was at the hospital. I guess they left early was headed home so he got them to stop closer this way and drop him at Wal Mart.

We made it back to her house before they did. They finally got there we all were sitting in the living room talking kids were in and out. Later after dinner it was late all the kids were in and out some sitting there with us. Boy did questions start flying before it was over.

Mr. 8 started asking Sleeping Beauty if he was Little Bitty’s dad. I don’t know how that went over because me and some of the kids were horse playing and I didn’t realise until later someone said something about it. While I was in the bathroom I heard him saying something about why he was always there on Sunday when we go over or if he was always going to be one. I couldn’t understand him. Others were asking if we were still going camping.

Bff left to take a kid home me and him a few of her girls and oldest were sitting there talking. One of hers looked at us and ask if we were together? I felt him lock on me before I could even turn their way or say anything. I turned to look and he just looking at me not answering locked on me. She said something again and I just said no. She said oh because I thought y’all were, your not? He still looking at me, i laughed and said no she went on about other stuff then.

I was talking to bff later after she dropped him off. I said what the hell was that all about? Why the hell was he looking at me like that? Why wasn’t he answering just wait for me to? I said I think I will ask him Wednesday. She said I would too that don’t make no since. I said I know.

She said he never said anything about what he said the other night he would tell her. She forgot to ask. I don’t know if that is true or she just not saying for whatever reason. But he probably didn’t with all that was said and things they were talking about all the kids and things.

It was a fun day, he help the kids put up tents to play in and things. They all had a good time.

He was telling us to night he has to move from his moms the park don’t want him there he isn’t on the lease. She says she thinks he is moving down the street from her at their friends house we were at the other night. His mom don’t want him to she is worried about her husband dying and being up there alone. Now her sister only has 4 weeks to live and his cancer is back. His has been back awhile they can not treat it. Said come back in 6 months if he is still a live. Its been that or close to it. I don’t know what she will do if something happens and he has moved. I know she drives and works still. But i don’t know her or much else about her. I think she is probably scared to be alone. It was her and her sister then she got remarried it was the 3 of them then sleeping beauty moved in it was 4. The sister just moved out a few months ago and now this. He will probably end up moving back with her if something happens to her husband.

Over all it was a fun day/night. The kids had a blast and the adults did too.



{January 25, 2019}   Now a Heart Attack

Wednesday Little Bitty had to go get a tooth pulled. She was supposed to go at 2 so they could give her the gas to calm her down. I arranged with the guys to leave at 1 and with Pops to come in late and cover me.

Tuesday when I was winding down for the day I called Pops to remind him and confirm everything. Not 10 minutes after I got off the phone they call to say they messed up they need her there at 10 am. I am supposed to be at work at 10 am. I told her I did not know I had to see if I could work it out.

I called Pops back and told him and ask if he could cover morning instead have the after noon free. He said it worked better for him because he had to go to the doctor at 3.

Wednesday I take Little Guy to school and came home and laid back down with Little Bitty. It was only 8 so we had an hour or more before we needed to go.

About 830 I got a text from the owner saying his dad could not open for me today so they were just going to put a note on the door saying opening at noon.

I said oh no, okay I hope to be there before but should not be any later. He never responded back.

We went they couldn’t pull it because there is a spot on the gums. They gave her meds and sent her home. I got her lunch and dropped her off at school.

I got to work at like 11:40. I clocked in opened everything up and got everything going. I decided to call Pops and check on him, see if everything was alright.

He said he was getting lunch and then coming in. I told him there was no rush I was just calling to check on him make sure he was alright since he couldn’t open. He said something I couldn’t understand and then said he told you what happen didn’t he?

I said no that is why I am calling to see if you are alright. See if you need something.

He said I have been at the hospital all morning I just left came to get something to eat before I came in. He said my brother that lives with me had a heart attack this morning I had to call 911 to come get him.

I said no I had no idea he never said. I couldn’t figure out why you wouldn’t have come in something must be wrong.

Later after he came in he said his brother came in his room or to the door called him ask if he was getting up. He told him no he wasn’t right now or yet. Hadn’t planed on it. He said well he thought he was having a heart attack and needed to go to the er.

He said he jumped up put his clothes on and called 911. He said he looked bad. He was scared to try and take him hisself.

He said when they got him to the hospital they took him straight to the OR and worked on him. They had to put 2 stints in and bring him back why they had him on the table. He was in ICU.

He said he lost a nephew in September he had not gotten over, then his wife two days after Christmas and he said now this. I feel so bad its hitting him hard he is struggling.



All last week all I wanted to do was eat and I did. I ate anything and everything. I gained 5 lbs. This week has been the same so far and I am not even going to step on the scale again anytime soon. I have been in a funk up and down mood swings lately. I think it is just the time of the year. We are coming up on 4 years my dad has been gone. The first two months of the year are when everything happened. I know I have never fully dealt with it and subconsiully its there even when he isn’t on my mind. Lately he is on my mind all the time.

I have decided I am just going to get through the rest of this month and next month. Then I will worry about where I am and how much I need to lose from there. I have been doing really good this far with little effort it it takes a little to get back on track it’s okay.



{January 12, 2019}   Don’t Think I Can Go

I am sitting in my truck at the store trying to force myself to go in and I just can’t. I am supposed to be at the celebration of life in less than an hour and I don’t want to go. I should be going in to get a top to wear, that is why I am here. The closer to time it gets the sicker I feel.

I think because of the time of year it is and losing my dad. Right now was when we were in the thick of things with him and the day of his death is less than a month a way. The cancer all just hitting to close to home. I don’t know what to do. I feel I need to go out of respect at least but I feel such horrible anxiety right now thinking about it.

I left for work this morning but didn’t have to work I’m just bouncing around here and there. I just want to go home and sleep. I gained 5lbs from all I have eaten this week alone. I been eating anything and everything and even buying food. I think just because I am depressed. It just hit me thinking about everything. I just feel like I am in a funk. Couldn’t figure out why.



et cetera
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