{October 24, 2019}   I Almost Cried

Yesterday after the awards at the school I left and I went and paid the water bill and the internet bill. I paid them both down to $0. I still have the light bill to pay on next week but when I do it will also be paid down to $0 balance.  The water bill was late the light bill will be on time. On time and paid in full!

I know that probably don’t sound like a lot to you all or your saying yeah so lots of people do that all the time or what. But for me that is a big deal and to know that I did it on my own, without having to borrow, or use my tax money, or money I got from here or there it huge.

In the last 7 years me and the kids were homeless two years in a row for Christmas. We got into this place March of 2014. Although we have had a place it has been a struggle to keep it and keep bills paid. Much less other things we need. I have worked two and three jobs at a time and just staying a step ahead from sinking. Get a step or so ahead or think I was and get knocked back down.

I don’t think I have had a $0 balance on my bills since I started services there 4.5 years ago. Other than if I got my tax money and was able to pay them up and then they were up there again in a month or two because I wan’t making enough to pay them off each month. I would shuffle money around to keep things going. Final notices got paid and everything else got shuffled until the magic letter came in the mail. Then I would have to borrow to get keep them going at times or we would do without other things or scrape by.

I was so happy and excited I almost cried when I paid the water bill it showed a $0 balance. It is so discouraging to pay it have them hand you the receipt and it have a balance on it over $100 and you just handed them $200 or more.

Needless to say my excitement quickly faded when I got to work and oldest messaged me and said oh did you get the note that was on the door yesterday?

I had no idea what she was talking about she sent me a picture it is a three day notice to pay or get out. I owe them $400 for “repairs” Because I have to pay $75 every time they have to send someone out. 99% of the time it is for the plumbing that they have been told over and over has a busted pipe. But they will not pay someone to check it out. They say I have to do that. I don’t have the money. So when it won’t drain at all I have to do something I call them they send their man he cleans the line and it drains for a bit and we do it over. If I have the money i pay it and when I don’t it sits there. Rent is paid on time every month has been for a while because it is the one thing I have no play with when it gets paid why everything else gets shuffled around. They can’t put me out over anything other than rent but they I guess took my rent money and put it on my fee’s so it shows I am behind on my rent. Since I paid by their card not a check or money order there isn’t much I can do about it. If I pay by check or money order and write for rent they can’t use it for anything else. Since it is on the card they can do what they want because it isn’t marked. But I have always done it like that and if it was paid on the first they just took it as rent. I have been paying $75, $25 a $100 extra a month but I don’t have it all I talked to them and that was fine because I gave them a chunk upfront. But then I had to call them since and they have a hair in their ass about something they did this and didn’t even say they were changing things up or nothing just come stick a note on the door. Now i am trying to figure out how to pay it before TOMORROW. If I had known I could of probably waited to pay those bills had a chunk of it now I paid them I don’t have any of it. If I get paid tomorrow that is food money and lights. I was going to ask my boss at my night job but he is out of town until Tuesday so that don’t help. I can probably get by until Monday but after that I will be in Trouble they will be back Monday if I don’t pay it that morning. Then it will cost more they add fee every time they have to come out there or what. I don’t know what I am going to do. Even if I worked doing pizza’s this weekend I won’t make near that much. I don’t know who else to ask to borrow it.

I am probably going to have to pawn my guns and then I am going to be in that cycle that I can’t get out of for a while end up costing me a ton of money in the end. I was feeling so good and so accomplished. That I was making progress, real progress I was going to have all the bills paid up and then be able to pay that $400 up. But it was costing me more to not pay the bills up first vs paying the rent up and I had made arrangments and was making payments. I was going to start paying extra to pay it up faster since I had bills paid up and wasn’t paying so much on them and late fee’s. I will work it out but I don’t know how and it feel knocked down and defeated again and like all my work was for nothing if I can’t come up with this last little $400.

So the 5th came and went and I did not get the water paid. They will be out sometime in the morning pretty early probably to turn it off. When they do all hell is going to go down here. My mother is going to start and she will most likely call dcf on me because of the kids. That is going to be a new can of worms to deal with.

But I am done I am done dealing with any of it anymore. I can’t do it anymore. A person can only handle so much before it becomes to much and I hit that and still been trying to keep going. But I can’t anymore. I can’t push through and keep going. I am done I am ready to walk away and whatever happens just happens.

I talk to my friend last night she keeps saying it will get better don’t worry just keep goinbg I have to keep going. But like I told her its been years and it hasn’t gotten better. When it starts to it just gets worse and worse. Just like now I would not be in this mess if her husband had said hey just to let you know i don’t think we are going to need you anymore in a bit you may want to find something else. Not just hey dont come in.

I haven’t been able find anything else because there is nothing as flexible to work around everything. Every dime i have made goes right back into the house and bills its not like im blowing it or what but it dont matter. I still can not keep things going. I cant keep fighting. I am so done wore out tired beat down and defeated. I just can’t do it no more i have no more fight left or want to fight left. My kids are miserable and unhappy. We need things we can’t get right now, other than just the water paid. I am just done at this point i can’t do anymore. It is 624 am. I am waiting to get up and take little bitty to daycare and decide what i am going to do where i am going to go because i can’t come back here and deal with all this and her once the water goes off. Just go mia or just be done with it all once and for all. I cant face my kids after i have failed them. I just can’t do it, I can’t fight with her no more i am done i can’t take dealing with her no more in any way shape or form. I feel like i am going to puke right now thinking about it all and all the mess i am in with money and bills because i cant get this one thing taken care of. I can’t belive this. I dont know what i am going to do but i see why people walk away. I feel horrible but i can’t do anymore than i have right now. If they would let me pay weekly like i asked i be okay get it paid off but they won’t and no one will help me. I dont know what the hell is left. I give up let someone else figure it all out. Everyone says what a horrible person i am what a horrible mother i am just proves them right. So i should just step out of the picture. I cant do it no more take it all no more. Dont know if or when i will be back here either. Guess it all depends on what i decide to do to get away from all this and stop dealing with it all.

I have decided after much consideration to go ahead and drop all my classes but one this term. Well I will not really be dropping them I am just going to stop going at this point so that I can focus on work, the kids, the house and everything else that needs to be done. I am not passing the class that I am going going to try to keep going to. I hope to talk to the teacher and get caught up and pass it. I need this one class to finish my certificate for Community Health worker. I really want that one to go with the one that I already have in hopes to get a better job.

I feel defeated and as if I failed, because I am and I did. I need to finish school so that I can get a better job in the future. I need this so that me and the kids can do better in the future and not struggle to get by. But at this point I am trying to work two jobs, do school, my internship, keep up with the house, all the day to day crap, bills, paperwork for doctors, ssi, schools, the kids and all their school stuff and everything else. I just can’t do it, I have dropped the ball on so much and just put so much off and now it is starting to effect everything not just one area or this or that. Before the house was getting neglected it was cleaned but not kept up like it should be, then it was my school work so that I could take care of everything, it just goes in a circle or cycle and it is just to the point that everything is getting effected by it because I am just over chasing everything in a circle not even keeping up just almost getting by and never getting ahead. I need to take on a third job right now in order to think about getting caught up and maybe ahead a little bit. I can’t do that with all that I have going on.

If I was to get rid of school all but the one on line class that I am doing on line then that would get rid of the internship that I have to do that I am working around, the class I have to go to the school for and all the school work and test and everything that I have to worry about for them. I could find one full time office job where I would have pretty set hours Monday-Friday. I would make more money and I would be able to get rid of the job I just got and just do my full time job and the work I do at the shop. I really do not want to give up the shop because that gives me anywhere from an extra $200 to $400 a month depending on how many days I decide to put in and sometimes more if the boss is out of town and wants me to come in for a full day or two. I can really do everything that needs done in one day but most times I do it in two to get the extra pay and work it around other things. Now he is there or someone is there most Saturdays so I could even go in for an hour or two on a Saturday if I didn’t have time during the week to do it. I may even pass it over to my oldest and let her start doing it if I decide not to do it anymore. I think he would let her do it and she is looking for a job that she can work around mine and make some money at. He knows she is responsible and will do the job. I can trust all the guys up there with no problem so I could drop her off or she could get picked up or get a ride up there if I can’t take her I don’t have to be there and I don’t have to worry about her being there alone. There is only 5 guys there the boss my best friends husband, Starfish who stayed with us so I trust him, the guy that lives with the boss who is like the bosses kids he is young and trying to get on his feet, then two new guys but the boss knows them well and has been friends with them for a long time, he trust them around his kids and things. I know that the first three would keep an eye on her and make sure she was okay as well. It’s like a family, we all watch out for each other. I also know that her dad could not and would not come there and try to pull anything because he knows the boss would not let it happen and would put a stop to it before he even got to her to start. I worry that if she starts working he finds out he will go in and bother her and start with her. She don’t want nothing to do with him and he would try to force the issue with her. I don’t want that. I know even if the boss wasn’t there Starfish and the other guys would not let that happen at all either. The boss is good friends with the sheriff that are over that area so if he had to he could call him and he would talk to my daughter and do what she wanted done or put a stop to him messing with her if he tried.

I just hate not doing school over all because if I stop going then if or when I go back there are a bunch of extra classes I will have to take to finish my degree instead of just the ones I have now. They added new since it is a new program but we are grandfathered in. Plus I just don’t quit it is not in my vocabulary to quit, I am one that will try until it kills me or I do it once I start something and decide it is what I want and what I am going to do. But at this point I just feel that I do not have the support and I am not in the position to keep going and that I have no other choice but to quit and work to keep me and the kids from ending up homeless, to get ahead and really be able to move some time in the near future, be able to get a better truck or do all the repairs that this one needs and to just not fall into a depression or just get to the point that I stop doing anything and everything and just not care at all and lose everything. I am already fighting not falling into a depression again, when I do it just flip to being so mad I can’t stand it and upset/depressed anyway. I have thought about doing things lately that I have never thought about doing and never thought I would and never cared to consider because of how tight money and things are right now and because of the way I feel about things. It is to a point that it is like oh well try whatever it takes to get ahead and not worry about things. I fight all the time to not drink because I am wanting to drink  more and more everyday that goes by. I just want to drink and not think about any of it. Of course, I know that isn’t going to make anything better or make any of it go away or fix anything. But hey if I just didn’t care for a little bit would be better than nothing right. I know that isn’t the answer. I did drink last night, not a lot just a little bit. I had some shots of Rum and a couple shots of Tequila and a couple mixed drinks after I got home from work. I sat on the carport drink and talked to a friend on the phone for a few hours. It didn’t make me feel any better and it all tasted nasty really and I hardly even got a buzz and about the time I started to feel a little buzz it was gone as fast as it came so I didn’t even really feel anything from it.

I just hate that I have to do this and know that everyone is going to have something to say and it is just going to be more for them to hold against me or talk about or whatever. I can hear it now how they went to school did this and that I could’t even finish and on and one with them. But at this point I have to do what is best for me and the kids and even though it is not going to be best for me and them in the long run probably I have to get us out of this situation we are in now or we will never get anywhere. We are like a car that is stuck just spinning tires and going no where.

I guess I am going to get off here I am going to take the kids to dinner for little one’s birthday since I have to work the day off. I think I might take them over to work and let them do one of the rooms for fun. Not sure yet since I am not going to be in there with them and just watch them. I am not sure how the little one will do. I think the older three would have fun with it. I have to look and see who is working.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: