Single___Parent___Life











{December 26, 2020}   He Got Me Something

About 12:30 he sent me a massage all excited telling me he got me something. I had fallen a sleep so I got it about an hour later. I said ok and that I told him not to worry about it. He never said anything until a few minutes ago when I asked him something. He hasn’t said anymore about it.

I didn’t get up to rush up there to get it I probably won’t get it until tomorrow when we go shopping. I don’t feel like getting ready and going out just for that. He is at work anyway so I won’t get to see him long anyway. I could go after he gets off but that won’t be until 8 tonight. I am truly in no rush to go get it. I am surprised he hasn’t said anything about coming to get it or so he can give it to me. If he does I am going to tell him I will get it tomorrow.

He was in no hurry to get it why should I be. I am not in a good mood today not because of this. I am in a shitty mood because of how things are with the bitch. I wish I was working today and not here. Can’t wait until Monday. I don’t have to be here and around her. Oh and he hasn’t said anymore about having to order “them” whatever “them” are. Who knows what he is doing or has done. All I really wanted no one wants or will get so.



I think I said it somewhere in the last week or so in another post but I don’t know what one or where. But I still can not justify not moving away in my mind. I have tried and tried and I thought okay when I find something and get into a better place and things I will be able to. But I am looking and there is nothing out there better that isn’t $1200+ a month. And even then it isn’t much better than where I am.

I just keep thinking I could move up by J and find a job making as much as or more than what I make at both my jobs put together right now and pay half what I am in rent for a nicer place. Or even if I paid as much as I am now I would have one job, decent hours, and a much nicer place. I would be out away from things not right on top of the person next to me. I would get to see my kids, spend time with them and do things. I wouldn’t be struggling. I would have help with things and the kids. I could have a break once in a while. The kids would have friends and family to do things with and spend time with and grow up with. We wouldn’t sit alone on the holidays and weekends all the time. We could have parties and do things again.

Yesterday on the way to my night job I seen a rent sign so after work I picked JW up we went to eat and I decided to drive by there. We found the house and it looked nice and was in a nice area. It didn’t say anything about the house just hat it was for rent and the name of the company to contact. I googled the address and pulled it up and they want over $1200 a month for it. It was three blocks from the school around the corner from a park and ball field. In a older quite little area.

This morning I picked him up and we were talking on the way to work and things. Something was said about being here and things I told him, I hate it here, I can’t stand it here I want away from here so bad it isn’t even funny. He asked me why I never left. I told him I was set up to when my dad got sick and I paid my money out to be here and take care of him and everything happen the way it did. That Father of the Year pulled the crap he did and I have struggled the last few years to get decent job or jobs and finally be able to again. He just said oh.

I said I have nothing here, I have no one here really. I don’t see my family hardly at all, I have bff but she can’t be counted on for anything. She is just someone to talk to and hangout with she can’t be counted on to help in anyway. Even when she says she will she don’t . He said you have me. I told him I know that isn’t what I meant and not the same.

He keeps saying that it is all going to be different things will be better when I get moved I am just stressed and things. That he is there to help.

But like I told him, okay but still I am way over paying to live in a dump or maybe a step up from a dump, working my ass off to keep it and struggling. I can’t have anything else because i am just getting by still and I still can’t see my kids and we still hardly get to see each other. Even if we are living together. He is working over 60 hours a week and I work 60. I haven’t been working my full 60 the last month or so I have been so depressed and stressed and the mess going on with my teeth. But I have to get back at it right a way. Then I am off the weekend for what he works 10 hours or more on Saturday then Sunday we have things to get done and the day is over.

I know life isn’t perfect we have to work we have to pay bills and things. But I also know that there are places where rents are not a million dollars a month and jobs pay more than $8 an hour. The cost of living isn’t going to be perfectly balanced but it isn’t going to be so far out of balance that you can’t drive a block down the rode without seeing 10 homeless people laying or sitting around on every corner sometimes 10 on two out of 4 of the corners all through the town. Or a junkie sitting on the bench looking like she is one hit away from ODing. It wasn’t like this when I was growing up. It really wasn’t. We had bad areas of town there was a few homeless that would pass through or what. But there wasn’t families begging for a place to live and sleeping in their cars and in the woods and begging for tents and food and things. Rents were normal price. The cost of living wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t so far out of sorts that you had no hope of finding anywhere to live either. There was always places at decent prices and people willing to work with you if you needed the extra to get in or what. You could rent a place and go in a fix it up yourself and not have to pay deposits and things. People helped people.

Now everyone is struggling so much they can’t help if they wanted to because they can hardly help their self and working their self to death trying to just survive. There is so much I want to do and would love to do to get involved in my community and things and I can’t because I am working so much just to get by.

I broke today I told him but it isn’t going to be better when I move. I am going to still be struggling and working all the time. Even if we are living together we are still going to be working our asses off just to get by and still not have money to save in case something happens or have anything at the end of the day. That is if I can find a place at all. I am searching and begging for a place to live and somewhere that is decent and finding nothing. I’m going to pay the same as I am now or more to live in a worse area and in a house in as bad a shape as mine or worse.

I don’t understand why everyone is okay with this. I don’t understand why no has a desire to do better have better or want more. Why are they all just okay with working their asses off and not having anything and living in dumps in bad areas of town? Why are they not trying to have or do better. Why do they do things that just leaves them in the same spot they are already in instead of trying to do better?

Like Bff only has to pay $375 rent, lights and water. She went and got a truck payment, she wants to go get jet ski and a boat and all this other stuff. But she is always borrowing money from her mom and another friend of hers. She is two months or more behind on her rent. Then says but it is because….. Not it isn’t because. It is because she waste her money. All while she is complaining because her house is falling down around her. It needs a roof, floors and walls fixed because the roof has leaked so much. It needs the bathroom done because it never was and a few other things. She has someone that will help her get most of it done it will just cost supplies and she talks about how she don’t have the money to do it. but she has paid someone elses way for a year and making a truck payment and going away for fun for the weekend getting motel rooms and spending money out all the time. For her and this other person and the kids.

She had over $20,000 she got from a settlement and it was gone in less than a week. She didn’t catch bills up or anything like that. She could of fixed her house and bought a decent car or truck that she did not have to make payments on. But instead she is fine with living like she is and not having anything. Then cries because she works about 45 hours a week or so. That is to much but she don’t make enough and she is always taking off and missing work to go play around or just because.

I work my ass off and can’t catch a break. Like Jw well things will be better and when we are together and move in together. We still are not going to be that much better off if I quite one job we aren’t going to be any better off we are going to be right where we are now. That is my goal and what I want to do with in the next 8 months or so is be in a spot where I can carry everything and only work one job. Still be able to have things and do things. As long as I am here I dont’ see that ever happening and I hate it here. Honestly he is the only thing I have here and reason I have to stay and honestly it isn’t enough to make me do it this time. I care about him, I love him, I want us I want to see where this goes but I don’t want to struggle and live like this the rest of my life to have it. If living like this and struggling like this from now on not seeing my kids hardly is what it cost to have us it cost to much. I need peace of mind and happy for me and my kids. We are going to have to really talk because even if I stay the year to see how things go with us and give it a chance rather it is going good or not I still want out of here so we aren’t living like this.

It is only going to get worse because they are getting ready to build all these new apartments around us and houses and things and the space center is about to take off again and some other places coming in and a ton of people moving here makes the rents go up even more. And everyone thinks it brings jobs and things to the area but it really don’t. it brings highly qualified and special skilled and trained jobs to the area and most all of them are filled by people from other states coming here to transfer. It really don’t help our area out much at all.

Apartments here are going for $1400 and up. 1 bedrooms are going for $1000, rooms for rent in someone’s house with no kitchen access and things are going for $500 and up. I told him last night I am looking at houses for rent and sell. They are the same ones I looked at about 12 years ago for rent and sell. They were beautiful inside and out looked like new. They were getting almost half the price they are now then to rent them. The ones that are for sell are selling for just over what they were selling for then or doubled or more in price. But now they are trashed, they have not been kept up, they have not been taken care of painted or anything like that they are 12 plus years older with nothing done to them and they want all this extra money for them. When they looked like brand new I could rent them or buy them for next to nothing and they are in decent areas.

Everyone I know is moving, I had a friend move a few months ago, another one moving in a couple weeks, others getting things in place to go. They all say you can’t live here it is to far gone and over priced. One is going to New York and has a nicer place and a much better paying job doing the same things they were doing here. They will have money to save and not struggle to get by. Everything is waiting for them when they get there. The others went to Georgia and are doing so much better they went from a trailer to a house and land and paying almost the same as they were here. The medical and things up there are much better as well. Like my friend J in south Carolina said she is getting all kinds of medical things she needed taken care of done up there because she can afford to pay for medical now and they have places that help you if you can’t or what you can’t cover.



{January 29, 2020}   Questioning Everything Today

I don’t know what is up with me I have been in a mood all day pretty much. I started the day fighting with Little Bitty about getting up and going to school. Then I took them to school stayed to watch Mr. 9 Get his awards. I watched Little Bitty get hers yesterday. After that I walked home got the car and left. I went and got coffee and a sandwich, I got him a coffee and stopped at his job for a bit and drove around and talked to Bff for a while. I was just in a mood and venting by the time she called me.

I am wanting to move and thought I finally had things together enough to do that this year. Then everything happen with JW my childhood Friend and now I feel like I am putting everything on hold again. I can’t find anything decent around here for less than $1100 a month or more. I am getting really discouraged and really thinking about everything.

When me and father of the year was together we bought our house to flip and move. He lost his job didn’t work for years and everything went to shit. Then I got with RC and he was all about lets get things settled and move up to where he was from and we all know how that ended. In 2015 I had everything set down to renting a truck and my dad got sick. I paid everything up to be with him and weeks later i was left and stuck here. I know he had no control over that what so ever didn’t want that to happen, didn’t plan it or whatever don’t get me wrong and think that is how I mean it at all it really isn’t. I am just saying I do what I am supposed to and things and I always end up on the shit end of the stick. I lost my dad and got stuck here all at once.

Finally now I can probably make it happen and get out of here once and for all and now we reconnect and this happens. He don’t want to move and I’m just like okay lets try this see where it goes. I’ll stay. Me and oldest was talking about moving over the weekend I said maybe in couple years and she said I’ll be grown by then. I can go where I want do what I want. Not in a nasty way or what just a you been saying this kind of thing.

That has stuck with me because I did not want my kids to grow up here or to live here once they were. The jobs are shit, the cost of living is through the roof and its just not a good place.

Then today him saying to me do what is best for you and the kids and I understand has stuck with me. I keep thinking of it. It’s like how can he say I have such strong feeling, I want to be with you, I’m so happy, I want this and in the next breath say but if you move you move it is okay. I understand? I will be sad I don’t want you to go but if you do you do? All I keep thinking now is so how does he really feel? Is he just here because I had something to do with him? Just in it for here and now? If he cares no more than that then why am I putting my life and plans on hold for him? Why am I making my kids wait even longer?

Why does anyone want to live here and struggle all the time if they could go somewhere else and live cheaper and happier? I will pay almost twice as much in rent here than I would up around J. I could have things we want, a boat, 4 wheeler, trips or what. I could work one job and not work 24/7. I could live in my house not just come home go to bed, wake up go to work repeat all the time. I could spend time with my kids doing things. I could be happier. If I can make it and get ahead and save living somewhere like that working one job imgain what I could do if I lived somewhere like that and worked two for even 6 months or a year. I could buy a nice house and have a nice down payment. I could take the kids on trips I have wanted to take.

Instead I am going to stay here work 12 to 14 hour days, never see my kids, still struggle to get by, have him here to work in trying to see and do things with on top of all I already do and take care of. Just be unhappy and miserable. So I find a house at $900 to $1000 to rent right now, in a year rent goes up and now how am I going to afford it? Because god knows you don’t get raises around here and the cost of living is already over what it should be compared to the pay. What next year I end up homeless again? Who knows if he even wants to move or would consider it in a year or two if things are going good. He says he is home don’t want to go anywhere. Then what I move and leave him then? Then what is the point in doing all this and prolonging the inevitable then. Why not just leave and leave him here now than when we have a year or two invested?

Bff just says oh your in love, stop, things will get better, they will be okay and work out. No they aren’t. How can you be happy when you are putting your life on hold?  Why am I the one putting my life on hold? Why is it always me that says okay I can wait? When is it my turn to have something that would make me happy for a change and someone else put their life on hold or change their plans for me?

Like I told her I think I am meant to be single. I think I am happier single. Yeah it is lonely sometimes but it passes and I can do what I need to do for me and my kids and feel is right for us without worrying about someone else.

 



Found this on Mind at War-page on Facebook………………………………………………….

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

“Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh.

“Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet” said Eeyore, in a Glum sounding voice.

“We just thought we’d check on you,” said Piglet, “because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.”

Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay?” he asked, eventually. “Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.

Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”

“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”

“Oh,” said Eeyore. “Oh.” And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less.

 

Author – AA Milne
Illustration – EH Shepard



{January 12, 2019}   Don’t Think I Can Go

I am sitting in my truck at the store trying to force myself to go in and I just can’t. I am supposed to be at the celebration of life in less than an hour and I don’t want to go. I should be going in to get a top to wear, that is why I am here. The closer to time it gets the sicker I feel.

I think because of the time of year it is and losing my dad. Right now was when we were in the thick of things with him and the day of his death is less than a month a way. The cancer all just hitting to close to home. I don’t know what to do. I feel I need to go out of respect at least but I feel such horrible anxiety right now thinking about it.

I left for work this morning but didn’t have to work I’m just bouncing around here and there. I just want to go home and sleep. I gained 5lbs from all I have eaten this week alone. I been eating anything and everything and even buying food. I think just because I am depressed. It just hit me thinking about everything. I just feel like I am in a funk. Couldn’t figure out why.



{October 9, 2018}   Still Not Asleep

I have been awake for 2 hours or more since I was woke up earlier. I can not stop thinking about things. Right now I am so angry I just want to explode. I have done nothing but fight tears for days felt depressed and sad. Today and now I just feel anger and rage. The more I lay here awake the worse it gets. I am tired I wanted that 3 hours sleep I neef it. I walk around in a haze because I am so tired no matter how much I sleep.

I am pissed of over this job shit. I am pissed off because I can not find a decent job with decent pay. I am pissed off because I am struggling so fucking much and can’t get anywhere have anything. I am pissed off because I tried to be the bigger person do what was right and let this bitch come stay here and can’t get rid of her. All she does is add to the stress and struggle and rage. Because I am stuggling I can’t get her the fuck out of my house because it cost money.

I am struggling with a lot and pissed off about a lot. I am pissed off and full of rage over just about everything. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I have no peace no happiness nothing. No hope of anything getting better no hope of ever being happy having anything or anything else. Just the knowing that its probably just going to get worse.

I am pissed off that whatever happen in my head when I had my accident happen and that things are so much harder for me now. Work, school, cooking, driving even more. I have to stop and really think about what I am doing why I am doing it, how to do it, step by step what to do and if I have to remember something I have to work even harder to remeber it tell myself to remeber and why what I am supposed to be. I can’t apply for a lot of the jobs I use to where I have to do paperwork in a fast pace and multitask because I can’t do two or three things at once. By the time I stop and do one thing I have done 100% forgot the other.

I am pissed off that I have no one to talk to about anything or go to. No one that really cares. I have Bff but I know she gets tired of hearing about it. I get tired of thinking about it hearing about it living it and dealing with it. It pisses me off I do not have that relationship with my mom like others have with theirs that I can’t go to her for help support or understanding. That no matter how much I try how much i struggle that my life sucks and always will. That now I had this stupid accident and things are worse and no one see’s no one understands and if I say anything it will just be I am lazy making excuses and just don’t want to do this that or the other. I am lying why didn’t I say something then. But I did and Father of the year knows I did he kept saying something wasn’t right and something was wrong. But I thought it would get better it hasn’t and it don’t seem like it has been that long but it has. Just like that time, time is so different to me know. Things from the past rather it was yesterday or years ago seem like they never happen or were so long ago. Mostly just don’t seem real or like it happen .I have to think really hard about it and can’t remeber a lot of things or any details just that they may of happen.

How do I explain this to anyone and is there help? If so how do I get it? How do I make life less stressful because of it. I need some kind of relief from it but I am sure they will just blow it off or say its my depression and anxiety and stress. But it has gotten a lot worse because of it too. I don’t know who to talk to what or if anything can be done how to get someone to listen and believe me help me. If something is wrong then what? What do I do? My head hurts I am so angry in such a rage. I can only sleep an hour and 15 minutes and still not able to fall a sleep. I am going to go try but i will probably just lay here thinking about things and getting mader until time to get up then i will be in a bad mood the rest of the day.



{September 18, 2018}   Trying Not To Stress

I am trying not to stress and trust that everything is going to work out. I have spent so much money that I shouldn’t of had to because of things getting mixed up. With my hours being cut at work i am starting to stress and get worried. I am looking and looking hard for jobs but not finding anything in my area. It really seems to come down to who you know not what you know. I am stressed over my mother still being here and not getting out. I am stressed because I just want to work so bad and make enough to be able to get ahead and no matter how hard I try I just can’t. I have to make $500 a week just to pay basic rent, lights, water, net and phone. That isn’t a bite to eat, drop of gas or anything extra for anything. That don’t let me get things caught up it don’t let me fix things that need fixed pay anyone back or nothing. I am trying so hard to just stay calm and keep looking and know that it will all work out if i keep trying. But i am starting to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. What was said the other day about always something don’t help. I am so tired of being looked down on and looked at like I am less than because I struggle. No one seems to see what I do just what I don’t that they don’t like.



{August 12, 2018}   Just Feeling Very Alone

I am feeling very alone the last few days and as if no one understands. I just want to go see my friend after work tonight. But I don’t know if he is going to be up for it. He not been saying much lately. Not sure what is going on with him. I think I am just going to message him after work ask him if I can come over. Maybe he is talking to someone or maybe he is just busy. Guess I will findout tonight if I go over or ask.

I keep thinking maybe I just need to close that door. That I was going to ask the other if he wants to go out for his bday tomorrow but then go see this one tonight. Maybe I should just close both those doors. But I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him since he said he was going home to bed Friday. I messaged yesterday he never responded. I am thinking he not in the best mood with it being his birthday tomorrow. He was already saying the other week he was going to be 45 and had nothing when he was so upset the other week. Me not being in the best mood haven’t said anything. Oh well. I may message him later just ask if he wants to go do something. See if he answers.

I thought about telling him i was getting off early tonight see if he wanted to do something. But I don’t know.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to see what people were thinking? I know some how what they were thinking without them knowing?



{July 31, 2018}   Flooding Back

Laying here I everything keeps flooding over me like waves crashing on the beach. All the things I have done for others and how they treated me in the end. All the bad shit that has happened and all the abuse. Just pounding against me beating me down.

I hear my ex telling me I can’t be loved, the other one telling me why it’s okay for him to abuse me, the ones who tell me its all my fault, how if I was a better person I wouldn’t be alone, how everyone hates me, thinks im a horrible person and talks about me. I feel like I am never going to be happy again. Keep hearing in my head i am asking for to much. I don’t feel I am I just want simple things and a decent person to be with. I feel like I am being smothered, my heart hurts and feels like its being squesed like a stress ball. I feel a lump in my throat and sick in the pit of my stomach.

I just want to get up and leave, get dressed get in my truck and drive away. At the sametime it seems like it would take so much effort to do it that it wouldn’t be worth it. I feel so overwhelmed and beat down.



{July 30, 2018}   An Emotional Night

I don’t know what is wrong with me tonight. Its almost 11:30 pm and I have been fighting not to cry for an hour or more. I really don’t know why. I have been laying here on my bed in the dark for hours now .

I feel so down doom and gloom just came over me all of a sudden. My friend wanted me to come over tonight I didn’t even go over there. I just didn’t feel like it. But at the same time I feel so alone and like No one cares. I feel stupid for caring about anyone and thinking that they would care back. I feel I just feel like shit and don’t even care about life anymore. I can’t get things straightened out or done that I need to. I should be able to some with no problem but i just have no modivation to so I don’t. I am burnt out with work and have to force myself to go.

I don’t even know what to say im just so over and tired of everything. I want to call a few people and message a few and go see a few and just have my say or say what i want them to know. I am just in a very fuck everything kind of moods. Not in a good way. I feel like i am there for everyone but when i need them they are not around or dont care. I know its me probably and that they are dealing with their own shit. But it still hard not to take it personal. I just don’t know. I want to talk to someone but have no idea what i want to say. I want to be held and feel like im not doing this all alone but no matter what i am and probably always will be. I just want to run away from it all. Everything i just want to run as far away from it all as i can not look back not think twice .I wish i could walk around and just not feel anything or care about anything. Just live my life not know anything or remember anything. Now im laying here crying my eyes out and cant stop.



et cetera
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