TMI Alert

It’s that time of the month two days early and two days in on top of everything else. As if I wasn’t already feeling bad enough the hormones and everything that comes with it don’t help. I want to cry and run away, have a melt down all at the same time. I feel like I just want to take a hot shower and just stay in it forever.

I dread being at home right now, the kids are mad at me. Oldest over school, Little Bitty over not being there. Now school started today and I will get to see them even less than I was and how much is less than when I see them next to never as it is.

Lately I find myself trying to figure out what to do about work more and more everyday. I love both of my jobs and have to have both of them to get by. There is nothing else around that pays close to what I am making at the 2nd job. I can’t get a job that is as flexible as the two are.

I was thinking this morning if I could find another job working a few hours a day making what I do at my other job maybe I could do a normal 8 to 10 hour day between the two and make what I am now. If I could get on full time at my 2nd job and get them to pay me what I am looking or need to make a week to do full time down there.

I think the main thing is all the shit at home I am dealing with. The bitch is still there and worse than ever. I don’t know what to do anymore. She just needs to go things are just getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do. The kids are not happy no one is happy.

Just feel stuck in this horrible situation. I don’t even know how I feel anymore or what to feel. Other than hating life wanting to not be here.

I Have Become A………

Stress eater, since I am not home and stuck at work sitting at a desk all day and night I can’t sleep when I am depressed or stressed out. It hit me today I am now eating to replace the not being able to sleep.

That as you can see is the XL candy bar I sat here and ate yesterday while stressing about everything.

Today I had to go to the social security office before work, that didn’t go over well. Not the news I wanted to hear or went there to even get really. While waiting on them to sort things out and wait for someone to come over and help the guy that was helping me I ended up being late for work. Why not be later and stop and get food. I didn’t really want food I wanted coffee. But I didn’t even feel like getting out of the car to get coffee so I went though the drive through. I don’t like their coffee I was going to get tea. Then I seen the other places on the other side of the parking lot and figured what the hell may as well get a milkshake. Why your at it make it a large too.

That turned in to two roast-beef sliders and curly fries to go with it. All I have left is the shake and I feel sick because I wasn’t even hungry hardly ever eat this early and nothing like that. Now I just want to curl up and go to sleep and I have to make phone calls find the guys work and just be awake because I’m at work. I slept better last night than I had in a while but it was still hard to get up and I am still so tired.

Workin’ Moms

I know I am late to the game once again probably but that is okay. I hardly ever watch tv at all unless a few minutes here and there with the kids. Then I don’t really watch it because who can hear or follow anything with 4 kids fighting and talking and doing whatever in the middle of it.

I signed up for a free Netflix trial the other day week when me and Little Bitty were laying in bed one night looking for something to watch. I have been watching it at work.

I started watching Grace and Frankie when it first came out, then got rid of Netflix and didn’t keep up with it. So I went back and started at the be-gaining and watched all of them. Now I have moved on to Workin’ Moms. I just finished season one and started season two a few minutes ago. Sadly I think this is the last season and I am not sure but I don’t think they are making anymore. I will have to check but I think this one came out a year or two ago so I would say they aren’t.

But while watching this I just laugh and then sit there and go wow I can so relate. Most of all I can relate to Frankie in the first season of the show. All I can think is who followed me around to record my life and tell her how to act.

Everything from the do you ever think about the plane just crashing, to the just tossing everything out or selling it. Her putting her face in the pool and the people pulling her out and her looking at them like nothing is wrong. You know your not going to do it but just don’t want to be here either.

Then the whole feeling guilty over the kids and not doing enough and not being there enough, the who is going to do everything for them and feeling overwhelmed at the same time. The other moms were dealing with what I feel everyday. the one mom feeling that she just needs the change or a change and piercing her nipple in the bathroom why they are out and wanting to leave her husband. Feeling that she is doing nothing but work work work for everyone and getting nothing in return from anyone but shit about what a horrible job your doing or why you shouldn’t be doing it or what you should be doing or doing different.

Imagine feeling that all on top of how Frankie was feeling and dealing with. That would me. I don’t know how I am getting by or functioning right now or the last month or more. I got one yes one hour of sleep last night. Then a huge fight with the Bitch this morning. I didn’t get to bed until 2 and watched a show with Little Bitty because I promised her and she is having a horrible time right now with all this. Then I laid there awake with my mind reminding me of every ball I have dropped, all that I have not cleaned up after, what a horrible job of being a person and/or parent I am, what is going to happen when all these balls that have been dropped and not dealt with come to a head. Then the thinking of oh well then maybe I will get a break and the drop of  a ton of breaks of feeling guilty for feeling that way when it deals with the kids. Then the circle of horrible mommy, poor kids slides back around and it just keeps going on and on like the song that never ends. I tell myself over and over that one person can’t get in my head not to let them get to me but I can’t help it. I know i have dropped the ball I need help but I don’t have it and don’t have anywhere to turn to get help. If I try then it just gives others more room and reason to pounce and cause life to be 1000x worse and keep pounding me down more and more and my kids to be unhappy more and more.

At the end of the fist season Frankie told her wife she was going to a treatment program to get help and I thought that would be so nice to be able to get help somewhere for the way I feel. But that isn’t an option for me like a lot of things aren’t an option for me. To have someone there that supports her and wants to still be with her. Who somewhat understands and wants to see her better.

Doom and Gloom Has Come Again

I don’t know what to think that doom and gloom feeling has rushed over me this morning. I got up early because I had to take the dog a million miles away to drop her off to be spayed before I went to work this morning. I got there at 8 to just drop her off. I didn’t talk to anyone until 8:45 or after. Then since she has had two seizures they wanted me to talk to the vet. She was scared of him did not like him at all. He listen to her and said she has a pretty good heart murmur. Ideally we would do a heart work up on her EKG and ECO and I think something else. But he said that is getting into a lot of money. He seem to think she should do good. But they wanted to do a heart worm test to make sure it isn’t that. He said he could do it why I waited but I told him I thought she was healthy and fine. That I really had to get to work that I would leave her and let them test her and if anything was wrong to call me. I think they told me before she had the murmur. She has only been to the vet once since I had her. She is healthy as I told him and she was quick to point out that she seemed that way but we really didn’t know. Even then I was okay and didn’t feel that anything was wrong. I did have the though before he said all that, that maybe I should just skip it and take her home. But know she needs to really be done she is so young and we don’t need puppies. I feel that everything is going to be okay but then I feel bad for just leaving her and not waiting for them to do the test. But it was almost 9:30 and I needed to be towns away at work by 10. I know that the test is going to come back fine and they are going to have to do what they need to do and I will pick her up at 6 and she will be great.

I think when I lost my bumper i messed up something under my car. I know I still haven’t told you about that either. I have been really busy getting nothing done this weekend and being told what a horrible mother I am and how sorry everyone feels for my kids. And dealing with Sleeping Beauty mess. But now I have to see what that is and get it fixed. I don’t even know if I should be driving it or what will happen if something happens. I don’t think I am supposed to have a vehicle.

Then I started thinking about my car the shit show I have with the one I just bought. I got an offer of $500 on my old truck why I was leaving the vet. I really need more but really don’t think I am going to get it at this point or after the fire and damage now. I have $500 worth of tires on it.

Thinking about all that is going on and the fact of doing it alone and just everything I don’t know what to think or where to go. It just hit me like hitting a break wall on the way to work doom and gloom something bad is going to happen. I still don’t feel that it is to do with the dog. I feel like it is something at home or with the kids. I have had that feeling about the house for a little while now but hadn’t really thought much of it or let it get to me. I keep telling myself everything is fine and that nothing is going to happen. But today is just hard and I don’t know why that is at the top of the list.

Not Alright

I want to quit my job, I want to go home pack my kids up and leave. Just walk away and leave everything, animals, personal things, whatever that will not fit in the car besides me and the kids. that would pretty much be everything including clothes because there is no room in it once everyone gets in.

I don’t want to be at work, I don’t want to go to work tonight, I don’t want to be at my house. I just want away from it all. I am sitting here now fighting not to cry. I don’t know why I feel this, the weekend was pretty good. Saturday I went and had the truck towed back to the guy. That took hours when they told me 30 minutes. I went home got the kids lunch. After lunch we went tot he garden store the kids had been wanting to go to. After that we went to dinner and a few stores around there. Yesterday we didn’t do to much. Me and the girls took old dog and got her shots and we hung out at home. We slept in until after noon the dog had to be there at 4. By the time we did that it was time for dinner. We went and made dinner watched a movie and I was in bed by probably 12. I laid there a little bit and finally fell a sleep. I slept after that but I guess not good. I woke up at 7:30. I woke up thinking I just want another hour I don’t know what time it is but I just need one more hour sleep and I think I could function. I don’t know why but it’s just how I felt. I seen what time it was I could sleep until I was thinking 9 but then I remembers I had to go to the store for the kids. So I had just at one hour to sleep. I did some but not long. I thought I been laying there a few minutes and looked again and it was a few minutes until I had to get up. I just felt like no I need to sleep, I just need to lay here and sleep for a while. Until I feel better, until I wake up and feel like everything is okay. I need to sleep until everything is okay. We all know that isn’t going to happen no matter how much I sleep. Nothing is every going to be okay, it is never going to feel like everything is going to work out.

I think the main thing that is bothering me is the money issue. I feel like I am behind and now the fact I bought this truck and it is no good and I spent all my money on it. If I hadn’t bought it I would have money to do what I need to. I could have caught my bills up, got things we need for the house. I didn’t catch things up, I figured I would get them caught up the next few weeks they weren’t that bad. I owed a month maybe two on some but that was it. But then missing three days of work from the 4th of July and spending money on things that come up.

I think I could of took that money and moved on it. If I wasn’t going to have a vehicle then I could of at least moved. I feel like I have put us in such a bad spot again.

I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I feel like I need to do something. I need to do something, something dramatic or big or I don’t know. I just need some kind of change. I feel like I am in this never ending rut of here this is going to go good things are turning, ha ha nope back to your rut nothing good for you. Nothing good that is going to make a difference or really get us somewhere or make things easier or nicer or just work out for us. I feel like we are not supposed to be happy.

I feel like I need to be so many other places than work but work takes top over everything else. Little Bitty is having such a hard time with me not being there, the other kids are as well. I can’t do anything but just keep telling them they are going to get better and that I have to do this to keep things going. I say it and I don’t feel it. I don’t feel things are going to get better. I feel that we are all dealing with this and going through this, I am wore out and drained and that we are getting no where. I just keep doing it to try and not sink, hope that it gets better, that something will change.

Then my mind goes other places it shouldn’t even go, like how are my kids going to get by the way things are, are they going to be made at me and want nothing to do with me because of the way things are now, are they going to blame me for all we have been through and the fact we struggle so much, are they going to not want anything to do with me or are they going to understand and see that I cared, that I tired that I struggled and in more ways than one. That It has been so hard on me and all my swings and moods, depression and all that. That it has all made things that much harder and why some things are the way they are. Does it matter? Why does it matter?

So This Happened

 

So me and oldest backed out of the driveway to go shopping for the week for them and I almost do not stop going backwards. I try pulling forward and again not stopping. I wait for cars to go around me get from behind me everything and pull back into the yard. Get out to find it gushing break fluid.

I get under it and look to find

the caliper leaking all over. I just walked away. I walked up to the store got the things we needed for the night and tomorrow. Then we came home I found

This the break laying in the street. I have no idea what I am going to do. I should be ahead and I’m not. I am going to be even further behind and sunk because I have no way to fix it and no one to fix it if I had money for parts and labor. I had to buy a washer a drier, have had both dogs to the vet bought a tire, paid and paid to get bills caught up. I can walk the 5.5 miles to my day job but I have no idea how to get 20 miles to my night job and 20 miles home. I can’t fix my truck for a few weeks because I have rent and things to pay. I won’t have it then if I can’t get to my 2nd job and lose it. I will be sunk because it is where I am making more money.

I have been doing so good with my depression even with all the extra things that have been happening because I knew I was going to still be okay and get ahead. Now this is bad really bad I have no idea what to do. Other than cry. I can’t ask bff because she is working and she dealing with her own crap right now she is hardly talking to anyone. She working when I have to be at either job. I really don’t talk to anyone else.

I Let go of The Baggage

I don’t know what happen that night we all drank (Moonshine Is Not My Friend) but it is like something just snapped in the three of us. Me and Bff probably more than her aunt I think.

Bff didn’t drink the moonshine she drank while we were out, she had I don’t know how many drinks and then some of a few others who gave her theirs. Then she stopped and didn’t drink anymore once we got to her friends house. Me and her aunt had one or two before we got there but then when she brought the moonshine out is when we really started drinking. We found out later the blue 140 proof one she brought back to bff’s house and was slipping and drinking it outside once we got back to Bff’s house and I got inside. She would go out to smoke and drink it. Why she was lit the next morning at 9 something in the morning. We couldn’t figure it out because no one seen her bring the jar home or drinking. Later bff found it and last week she told us she brought it done there in her purse and sat it outside on the deck when they were trying to bring me inside.

After that night I just felt different, a way I had really never felt before. I was hungover for like two days. It was Saturday before I felt I could even really think about eating a normal meal and function almost normally. But aside from that it was like something just changed or was different. Almost like everything I had been thinking about, bothered by and why I was drinking just disappeared. I guess maybe I just let it all go that night. That is it I just felt this huge release like everything that had been weighing me down, depressing me, holding me back or was in my way the last few years since RC, the divorce, my dad passing and all of it, I just let it all go that night. I haven’t picked it back up since then. I feel like a whole different person. I feel stronger and more empowered. I feel ready to really live my life and be happy.

As I write this and really think about it I owned a lot of shit that was not mine to own and to carry around. A lot of guilt for the way things are and a lot of guilt for the way my kids have been done by their dads. I felt it was my fault and I couldn’t fix it. All though I did leave father of the year, I left because of the abuse, and I tried my hardest for over a year to get him to see what was going on and what was going to happen. Although I left him and I asked for the divorce I did not do anything WRONG. I stood up for myself. I also did nothing wrong toward my children or cause anything that is or has happened with them. I have never told them they can not see or talk to their dad. I have never told him he can not see or talk to his children. I have always told him it was their relationship how they go about that is on them. HE is the one that chose to step out and not be a part of their lives. HE is the one that cut off contact and support. HE is the one missing out. HE is the only one that can decide to come back in the picture and try to make things right with them.

The same with RC. although we may have had our disagreements, our problems were no where near anything that we could not have worked out, learned from and grew from. HE decided to leave, HE decided to cut off contact, HE decided to not know his daughter. Again HE is the only one that can decide to come back around and build that relationship with her.

I CAN NOT CONTROL them and make them be the men they should be and I CAN NOT make them be the dads I so wish my children had and want.

I also CAN NOT carry around the burden of their wrong doings as my own. What they are doing is NOT MY FAULT, I DID NOTHING WRONG. All I done was get me and my kids out of a very abusive relationship that I should of never gotten myself into. Then I helped a man raise his children and find his daughter that he had no relationship with. I DID NOT ask to be ABUSED. I DID NOT stand in the way of a father and their child, like a lot of women would of done and are doing. I have had the best interested of all the children involved in mind from the start in both situations. Rather they were mine or otherwise. I know I am doing right by my children and all that were involved and that I continue to do right by mine and provide and there for mine that is all that matters at this point. As long as I carry around what they did o are doing and own their wrong doings I will always feel this doom or gloom and weight of the world on my shoulders.

I told Bff about a week after that something was different, something happen that night. She said YES she said you too? I feel so different since that night I don’t know what it is. She said she felt very angry after that night. Angry at herself. Then she was angry with different people she had been talking to. She started standing up to them and not backing down and telling them no they were wrong and this isn’t right. She started really standing up to old boss her hubby from the transmission shop. He started about somethings she did the last couple weeks and not telling him first or asking him what to do or if she could or if it was okay and things. She just told him look it’s not like that anymore and I am on my own and I have to decide things around here, I can’t call you every few minutes or be worried about what you like or what. This effects me and the kids your not here.

The other day we were talking about it and she said since that night I just don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, if they get mad or don’t like it or what. She said I’m just like fuck it, it’s my life and I am taking control of it. I am deciding what goes on and what I do and how things are done.

She said I think there was something shown or revealed to everyone that night. I said I don’t know but I know I loss a lot that night and I fucked up with Sleeping Beauty that night but, I gained so much that night, it took a bit to see it and figure it all out but I do now. As bad as that night seemed at first it really wasn’t.

Previous Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: