Single___Parent___Life











{July 17, 2020}   Re: A Mental Breakdown

After writing A Mental Breakdown

last night I kept thinking about it and how bad it was and why. It has been over 25 years or more since I was that bad. It hit me, I wonder if my birth control caused it? Not so much the low but caused it to be so extreme.

When they gave them to me they only gave me the first 3 months. They said when I started the 3rd months worth to call and come back in. We would see how they were working, how I liked them and feeling. They said it takes about 3 months for them to get in your system and everything even out. I had just open the 3rd pack and started taking them. I think I have the rest of this week and next weeks left before I start the placebo (sugar) pills.

I may have made it worse because I skipped the sugar pills in the first two packs. I am wondering if not having that little bit of a break those weeks and not having my period those two months probably was the perfect storm to end up like I did. When I went in to pick up the rest of the years worth I didn’t tell them how I felt or what. But I also wasn’t at the worse when I was there.

I told them they were great, I wasn’t sick like I was in the past taking them. I wasn’t moody or angry like in the past. I didn’t lose my sex drive. It went up. Only real thing I noticed was wanting to eat more. I am so use to feeling stressed and depressed I didn’t put two and two together. But I think they made it so extreme.

Now I am not sure what to do. I don’t know if the worse is over or the worse is yet to come. I don’t want to stop taking them but I don’t want to be like that either. I am hoping things are evening out now and that won’t happen again. If it does I hope I am with it enough to think of it and stop taking them.

I was going to tell JW about it and that is what I think is going on. I keep forgetting to. We were messaging earlier after I got home and I told him. I am going to talk to him more about it tomorrow probably. Tell him if I start getting that way or get bad again to remind me so I can stop taking them. I should remember but any of you who have been through it or deal with it know how it is. You don’t think straight. You can’t think straight. So if he says something or notices things i don’t or what he can say something as well.

Told him tonight i was scared and that I had not been that bad in 25 years. He seemed worried. He don’t know how I was back then he wasn’t really in the picture much. We haven’t talked about it. I am going to have to tell him more. I have always told him i deal with depression. Not like I have hidden it. I just haven’t talked to him about how bad it has been or could of been the other week.



{July 15, 2020}   A Mental Breakdown

I use to go for months without hitting an extreme low. It also would take a lot to push me to the point of an extreme low. And now I just feel like they are coming closer together and they are coming fast and strong. Since this “pandemic” started and I lost my job. It seems like I will have a few good days, an okay few days and then some dragging days before I fall into the black hole of no hope. I just want to cry and feel hopeless. I can’t even hold back the tears and keep myself from crying hardly. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Then I feel guilty about that because of the kids and JW.

I felt this so deep inside the week leading up to 4th of July all I did was cry. It was hard to hide from the kids and I couldn’t from JW. I would get there to see him just hug him and stand or sit there and cry. I felt bad he kept asking what was wrong. All I could say was I didn’t know.

I didn’t, it wasn’t any one thing or 20 things. Just having to be awake a function was enough to do it. Much less everything else on top of it. I know he was getting a little upset or aggravated with me. But I don’t even know how to explain any of it to him. If you don’t live it and haven’t studied it you just really don’t understand.

I want to explain it to him so he knows what it really is. I think if he understood or really knew he could help me more when I start to feel bad or start to get that way. I don’t know how to tell him. I just tell him my depression gets bad sometimes, sometimes I can’t help it. I don’t know if he could help so much as he wouldn’t say some thing’s he says maybe.

A few times I said I didn’t want to get up I just want to sleep all day. He say’s then do it, you need the rest, you deserve to. The other day I said I was laying here dreading the thought of getting up and functioning. It was already after 2pm maybe closer to 3 and I had not been up yet. He laughed, I just felt worse. I know he didn’t mean anything by it and just seen it as a joke or just off hand just feeling lazy and my way of saying.

But I really felt that way. I felt overwhelmed by the thought of having to get up and function. I felt like I hadn’t slept in 3 days just thinking about getting up. Him laughing made me feel some kind of way.

I need him to tell no I can’t stay in bed, i need him to tell me we have to get things done lets go get it taken care of. I need him to just tell me no get your ass up and get dressed get out of the house. I don’t need him to tell me everything is going to be alright, it’s okay stay in bed, I don’t need him to fix anything or make it better. I just need him to be there, be understanding, kick me in the ass and just hold me and let me cry once in awhile.

My mind goes straight to he didn’t sign up for this, he puts up with enough from you, when he figures out and understands what is going on he is going to leave you. I really don’t think so. But that is how my mind works and the things I think.

I felt so bad I went to my bed before dark and stayed for the 4th. I laid here and cried and felt guilty. I felt guilty for not taking the kids and do stuff. I felt guilty for not going with JW to his friends and taking the kids. I felt guilty because he was 2 doors away and I didn’t want to be with him. Wait I wanted to be with him I just wanted him to be here with me in my bed holding me let me just relax and calm down. I felt guilty for complaining about the fireworks 🎆. Because a good amount were from his friends who were putting them off. But I was just miserable.

I hadn’t felt that bad in an extremely long time. Like probably since I was young and first started dealing with panic attacks, anxiety and depression. It was scary. All I could think was I didn’t want to hurt myself but I wanted something to happen to me. Then I would think I wonder if something did happen how would I feel the last few seconds? Would I be happy because it would all be over? Or would I want to live and not really want to die? Would I even have enough time to think about it and feel anyway about it? Would I know that is what was happening or would I not even know until it happen it was over? Would I feel anyway?

Is that crazy to have such thoughts? I don’t remember ever having such thoughts. I have felt the way I felt and not wanted to function, not been able to get out of bed and things. But never felt it the way I did then. I even went twice looking for father of the year to start shit with him. I wanted him locked up, right now, i wanted him to get his ass beat. I wanted to go off on him for what he has done to my son and the fact my 9 year old son is dealing with a ton of anxiety over him leaving and cutting contact like he did. I wanted to give him hell for being such a sorry SOB. i wanted to go see his grandma. I don’t know why or what I wanted to accomplish or thought I would by doing that but I wanted to go.

I really did not like the way I felt or the thoughts I was having at all. I was even thinking about places to go that could help me or where I could go to get help. I was wondering what they would or could do for me. I was scared to even try or ask because I was scared what they may do or say. I was really scared they may put me in the psych ward. I could not do that. I have been there to visit someone and heard them talk about it. All that would of made it 100x worse. I can’t be locked in searched watched and all that. It would trigger me more than I was already. I was scared they would medicate me more than I really need and with stronger stuff than what I need.

I kept thinking I just needed away from everything. I just needed this and that. Maybe if they kept me I would at least get a break from everything. But knew it would be a bigger mess to deal with once I got out if they did keep me.

I feel better a lot better this week. I’m not real sure why or what snapped me out of it. Thinking about thing’s I don’t really remember last week at all and what went on or happened between the 4th and this past weekend. I just know between then and now is like a 360 degree turn. I hope I don’t go back there again anytime ever again.



{July 4, 2020}   So Far Gone

I have been dealing with a lot and blind sided by a lot the last month. Dealing with my depression on top of it I haven’t wanted to do anything but stay in my bed. I pretty much have. Other than going to work by to see J.W and that is about it. I have to force myself up and then physically hurt and feel sick all day and like I can’t keep my eyes open. By the time I go to bed at night I lay there toss, turn and dream all night and hardly sleep. I have tried going to bed earlier, later and even hooking the tv up. Nothing helps.

As bad as I have wanted to get on here and write I haven’t even been able to force myself. To do that. It’s just something else on my list of stuff to do. Yesterday I was so exhausted and overwhelm with everything, I just started crying on my drive home after work. I got to J.W’s job he was out front. He came over to talk for a minute. He open the door and was like what is wrong? All worried. Then we talked once he got off and we got to his house. I felt some better after we talked. Not better like everything is fine now or going to be alright. But just a release I guess of everything I have been dealing with and not dealing with that has been adding up. I did finally sleep last night. I woke up and was woken up a few times and dreamed some. But for the most part i slept and slept hard.

I didn’t get to see him or talk to him this morning. I had an 8 a.m at the clinic. It is closer to work than home and him. I could of stop on my way but it would of only been for seconds and that is it.  Not worth waking him up to come to the door and say hi and bye. Because that is all it would of been. That was a waste of time going to the clinic because I was the 2nd person there and signed in. They said computers were down but that was it. I figured they could give me my 9 months of pills anyway since they are filled and laying there. They do a test no computer needed just a cup pee and a stick. Then hand you the bag of pills. Well they start calling people to do their test. They took the one girl who was in front of me and then 3 who came after me. Then a lady comes out and says did they tell you the computers are down? I said so can they do anything or are we just waiting for them to come back up? She said no they couldn’t do anything they had to wait because all records are kept on the computer and not being able to see everything from before they can’t do anything. I waited until around 830 and left. I had to be at work in an hour I could of waited 30 more minutes or so. But even if I had they had not done anything for me and those other 4 were in front of me. So I would of been there well past time for me to be at work. I got to work about 45 minutes early and clocked in. That was that.

I called later to set up a new time told them I had left earlier and why. She said oh we got computers back about 9:15. So 15 minutes before I had to be at work. I am glad I hadn’t waited and left when I did. I am going late next Tuesday to work because I have to be at the place to get my eyes checked at 11:15. It is on the other end of the county from work and closer to home. It would make no since to go to just have to leave.

It has taken me 2 or 3 days just to write this. Friday was another shit show dealing with my “boss” i was so mad I left without even getting my purse. All I have done for days is cry or fight crying. I feel so alone and i dont even know what. Jw don’t get it. I don’t know how to explain it to him. I say I want to go to bed not get up he says go i need to rest. I say im dreading having to get up and function he laughs. I just want to lay down go to sleep and not wake up. I feel so far gone. I don’t even know if or how I can or will come through it or come out. I don’t really want to. I just want to be done. He says sorry. I just want to yell at him shut up you don’t fucking get it. But i know it isn’t his fault he is only trying to help.

I am so bad I don’t even want to go around him or talk to him. I have thought about telling him maybe we need to take a break. Or just forget it. At the same time i just want him to hold me and make me feel better.

I am so over this bitch in my house still have not gotten rid of here. Wish something would just happen or she would leave.  She brainwash the kids they are going to get sick die if they walk out of the house. I Don’t care im going to bring it home give it to them. Everything else. They are scared to get close to me. I don’t know how to get rid of her. I’ve tried everything. This virus bullshit don’t help.

 

 



{June 3, 2020}   Same Old Same

Not a lot going on nothing new really. Just normal everyday life stuff. Been feeling more depressed lately and I am not liking that at all. Sunday I was in a pretty bad spot. Things were different than a normal sunday. I didn’t handle it well. The stress of a relationship is something I have been 2nd guessing for a while now.

Not that I am not happy with JW because I am very happy. It is just the extra stress of being stretched so far already and now adding this in the mix. Feeling guilty when I am with him because I am not with the kids. Being upset and angry that I feel that way and that I don’t have free time ever to do things I would like to do or want to do. Because I am the only one they have and I am it 24/7/365. I resent it and it pisses me off and i just want to pack their shit and drop them on their father’s door steps and take a break. I can’t do that and that pisses me off. Its just a big circle that nothing can be done about right now. It pisses me off everyone else does whatever they want to do and has help and tome away.

Like Sunday J.W said he wasn’t doing our normal Sunday whatever. He was staying home doing some things. I get it he only has the one day off. But it just upset me or what because i should of been able to do what I needed to do and gone back over. But I couldn’t i had be home with the kids. I can’t ever just decide I’m going to do this or that for me today or because its what I want to do. Because i always got to be available for and to the kids.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids more than anything. But everyone needs a break once in a while and I never ever get that. Its been over two years since I had a sitter for my kids. Then that was only 3 of them and it was because I was doing something with the other. And if anything happen I still had to be able to leave go take care of it. I don’t know the last time I didn’t have to be available or really worry. Probably over 8 years ago when me and RC were together. The kids would go with Father of the Year for the weekend. Since then I have been the only one doing it all. Even after that if he had anything to do with them it was take them run to the store bring them back or sit at the house with them until he got ready to leave. I couldn’t have anyone over and he was going to leave when ever so I had to be there to be with them. If i left i had to make sure i was back. I couldn’t just say im spend the night here or there or come home when i want to or what. It sucks. Never having a break to just do for yourself. You can try to take time here there but it is not the same.

So life been pretty much same crap different day. Depression no break worse depression stretched to far ready to give up feeling hopeless angry and resentful. Don’t care if you live or die Same kind of day. Not resentful of my kids but these assholes who call theirself men and daddies.



I don’t know what is triggering everything but I feel like a mess. I am all over the place, but mostly just want to sleep and can’t sleep. I feel tired all the time. But then lay awake half the night or most of it. If I am not laying awake I am waking up every little bit. Everything is off with everything going on. I don’t know what to do with myself right now since I have went from 65 hours a week to 40. I should have a ton of time to do extra stuff but there is nothing to do because we are locked down and everything is closed. Highlight of the week is grocery shopping on the weekend.

Even with the extra hours I feel like I get no time to do anything that I want to do. Or I am to tired feeling to want to do it. I have no motivation to do anything. Then I stress about what I don’t get done that I should be or could be. I told JW I want to go back to 65 hours a week again I was happier. I knew what I was doing. How do you just switch your brain to working all the time to not being able to do hardly anything at all?

I am not getting to see JW near as much as I was before all this happen. I leave about 2 hours early for work and top at his place. I lay back down with him until he gets up and gets ready for work. Then we go to the little store and i drop him at work at 9 and from there I am at work by 915/930. I work until 630 most nights and pick him up on my way home at 7. If I need to go to the store or what I do but most nights I don’t. He most the time don’t get off until 715 or later anymore. They have been so slammed lately it is unreal. By the time he gets off we get to his house it is 730 or after. He has to take the dog for a walk as soon as he gets home so I just leave and go home most the time. Once in a while I will walk with him then leave. Then I am home for the night by 8. I spend it sitting in my room watching tv or messing around on my phone. Once in a while I will call him and talk to him for a while. Me, him and Little Bitty will laugh and joke around on the phone for a while then I go to sleep. Well try to.

I think a lot I am having trouble with too is the fact that me and JW are not getting time together other than mostly just pick him up drop him off to and from work. Friday and Saturday I don’t get to see him other than when I drop him off Friday morning because he gets off late. Before all this started I was going to see him a lot of time on Saturday night once I got done with the kids and doing things with them. I would give them dinner they would settle for the night I would go see him. Now I can’t do that right now.

It is getting to me that we are not getting that time together. I am not getting the down time I was getting before. I am not getting the us time that we were getting. We are hardly having sex and that is a huge problem for me as well. I know that probably sounds bad but it is true. It is not satisfying when we do, it hardly seem worth it. Most the time I just end up more frustrated and upset than if we had done nothing. It’s rushed and I can’t get into it or about the time I do I got to go or we got to get to work or something. He can tell something is wrong and ask what. I just tell him nothing. I don’t know what to say or how to explain it to him. I don’t want him to feel like it is his fault. I know a lot of it is the way I feel too that is causing me problems as well.

I want to tell him but I don’t want him to feel it is him or upset him. when it isn’t his fault. He knows that I am having a hard time with everything else he don’t know how big of a deal sex really is to me and how much it can and does help or how much it can make things worse. Is that weird? I know it isn’t and why but it seems weird to me too. It has always been a way for me to relax. When I am in a relationship my mood and things are a lot better. I am happier, feel a lot better and deal with things better. It isn’t just because I have help, it is the closeness, bond and them being there. The time we spend together at night after everything is done, the kids are in bed and we can just sit and talk about the day, life and make plans. Go to bed together and wake up together.

When I wasn’t in a relationship I would go see my “friend”. It wasn’t the best but it helped give me the release and boost I needed.

Even if it is rushed at least it helps me decompress. But lately I’m not even getting that out of it. Then he wants to know what is wrong. I just want things to be different and I don’t see things being any different than they are for a long time and that stresses me out even more. I Feel bad for feeling the way I do and worry about some of the thoughts I have had. Then feel bad about those.



{April 6, 2020}   How are You Doing?

With this quarantine? Are you under a quarantine? To what point? We are on a stay at home order until the end of the month. Kids are out of school until May 4th. I am not working my day job and working 8 hours a day at my night job. Because at my night job we are essential employee’s since we are a trucking company and we have to bring supplies into places. Thank God because I can’t be without no job.

Other than that most everything is closed down as of last Friday. No kind of entertainment is open. Restruants are drive through, curb side pick up, drive through or delivery. The beaches are open but you can’t park at them. You can’t park on the streets around them so you just have to park in parking lots and hope not to get towed if you go. Unless you know someone who lives out there or you live close enough to walk. I only go at night there isn’t really anywhere for me to park so I haven’t been in a while. You can still go fishing for now and swimming. I seen today they closed some parks or wetland area’s where people go to hike because they were being to crowed. Stores are open 8 to 8 here if you are lucky and now a lot are starting to only let x number of people in at a time. Wal Mart was doing that over the weekend but then it started raining and they gave that up. I don’t know if they are doing it today or not. I know they are supposed to and I hear they are going to only have the food and things like that for you to buy. They are going to block other things off so you can’t buy them. I don’t think that is going to go over well. I have been going once a week to the store and to get my coffee in the mornings. Sometimes I will stop on the way home to grab a drink. Other than that I will go through the drive through or do curb side pick up for lunch or dinner on the weekend for me and the kids.

But I am not mentally doing well with this whole thing at all. I have been hardly sleeping for days at a time. I fall a sleep and just as I get into that deep sleep I will jump and be wide awake. My heart pounding out of my chest and hurting at times. I will do that all night as soon as I start to get in that deep sleep. Or I just don’t sleep at all, I will go to bed think I been laying there and hour or less and it has been 4. Then the next thing I know it i time to get up.

I have been really irritable with the kids and everyone else as well with things. My moods have just been swinging all over the place. I feel clingy and needy and I feel like I have been dumping on J.W.   We aren’t getting to see each other as much either because his hours have changed as well, but mostly because of mine.

I was starting to feel good about us and that maybe things were really going to be alright, this might be it. Then all this has been going on and I feel like maybe we aren’t, maybe he is going to get tired of waiting for me, waiting on me to tell the kids, waiting on me to have time to come over or us to do things together.

I am worried that I am going to run him off with my dumping/venting to him. My just being stressed and down and aggravated. Or being to clingy/needy. I keep telling him I am sorry and that I am not trying to vent or dump on him. He keeps saying I’m not and that I have a lot going on, he understands, wishes he could do more. I told him last night I really wasn’t trying to bitch and be a pain in the ass. I am just so stressed and don’t know what to do. I told him a week or so ago I need something to take and have been trying to figure out what to get. He told me he missed me he wished he was here with me. To stop saying sorry I hadn’t done anything wrong.

He comments about staying the night and doing different things that he knows I can’t do right now. I tell him he knows I can’t do that right now. He says I know I am just messing with you. Or he knows one day soon and things. I am scared, I am scared that he is going to get tired of me not being able to do things because of the kids and find someone that isn’t tied to kids and can do things he wants to do without having to make arrangements or who can make them and has someone to watch them. I am jealous as well that he can just get up and do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to and has his nights free after work and his day off free to do what he wants to do and don’t have to worry about anything. It isn’t his fault it is what it is. I am pissed off, I am pissed off that I never have a break. I am pissed off that the other two walk around and do anything and everything they want to do and never once have to or think about their kids why I do it all and never get a second to do anything at all that I don’t have to have my phone on me and worry about kids. I am tired, I am tired of being the only one who does it all, not having a break and not sleeping. I am just a huge ball of emotions. Like I told J.W last night I don’t even want to be around myself, I am sorry for being so bitchy and a pain in the ass. That is when he told me he missed me and wanted to be around me and I was fine.

You know I am not stressed about having to work, or worried that I might catch this or that I might give it to someone else. The verus don’t bother me at all. I am stressed about not getting to work. I am stressed my hours have been cut from 62 to 40. I am stressed because I am stuck in this house all the time when I am off and we can’t do anything. I am stressed because there is no end to this in sight. I am stressed because I am tired and want a break. I am stressed because I feel this whole thing was handled horribly and there are going to be so much bad come of this once things open up. I am just stressed because I don’t know what to do with myself. I work that is just what I do and I can’t work. I can’t make the money I need to make to do the things I need to do. I can’t go anywhere or do anything to get a break from the house. I was going to J.W’s at night to see him but now he don’t get off until two hours or more after I get off most days. Then by the time we get to see each other or spend time together it is midnight/1 am. What am I supposed to do for hours until he gets off and that is time I could be home with the kids really get to see them spend time with them. As much as I want to, I don’t want to either. Because every little thing they do drives me up the wall. They really aren’t doing anything just being kids. I know it is me.

I went to the store last night and found something to take. It is all natural. It says to take it three times day or every 15 minutes if you have panic attack not to go over 6 dose. I took it last night when I got it and once this morning on my way to work. I was going to take it later and I didn’t end up taking it. I am going to take it three times tomorrow like it says, see if I notice a change in how I feel the next few days. Or if I just need to take it when I am feeling some kind of way and like I need something. But I am thinking taking it three times like it says will get it built up in my system. If not I will move on to something else.

We have a naturalist in the area I was going to go by and talk to them but they are closed only pick up or mail order. If what I got don’t work I am going to call or message them and see what they recommend. I was going to try this stuff that Bff gets her daughter but it is only 20 pills one for day one for night. It will only last a little over two weeks. I am also going to try to get our medical covrage back in case i need to go in and get something.

Comment let us know how you are doing and lets support each other.



{February 12, 2020}   I Don’t Want To Be Anywhere

As you all know I have been in a not so great place mentally the last few weeks. Today things are just really turning worse. I don’t want to be anywhere. I don’t want to be at home and around the kids or the Bitch and my some what of an escape work that I use to have isn’t any better right now. I don’t want to be there either. I just want to walk or sleep, I don’t even want to be at home in my bed to sleep. I just want to be anywhere but here dealing with my life and everything that is going on in it right now. I feel like if I could just walk at some point everything would be okay.

It is weird I can remember back when I first started having my anxiety and depression problems when I was about 14 I always just wanted to walk. I never knew where I was going or anything. I just felt that if I just started walking at some point everything would be okay. I don’t mean just a walk around the block or up the street. I mean just walk and keep walking. I told Jw and Bff today I could leave my day job this morning walk the 25+ miles to my night job and probably never think twice about it and keep walking right past it and not be bothered. It is and odd feeling. Like I need to find this place and if I do everything will be okay. I know that isn’t right but I feel so free when I am walking, I don’t feel confined or like I have to………. I just don’t know how to explain the feeling at all. You would think that driving would be just as good but it really isn’t. Driving feels like something else I have to do and think about. Where if I am just walking I don’t have to really think about or worry about anything.

I thought of it today when my dad stopped drinking a long time ago, he would call me and he would be walking. I would ask him where he was going he say he didn’t know he was just walking. Sometimes he would be walking up to the little store to get something sweet because he ate a lot of donuts when he stopped drinking. But he had a brand new truck he could of drove anywhere but he still walked. I don’t know what it is about mental illness that makes you just want to walk or feel like you need to walk. I know my dad had some mental illness he was dealing with as well. My grandma did and his brothers and sisters do too. It runs in the family on both sides sadly so I got a big huge heaping double dose of it. Luck me. The last few years really dealing with it more than ever other than when I first started having problems as a kid I can 100% understand and see why my dad said and did a lot of the things he did. I admire him for being able to do some of the things he did. I use to think how can he do that, how can he say that, how does he not feel bad about that. But now I see because I am seeing I am more and more like my dad when it comes to things. I can understand it like I never could before. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But it is nice to know that I am not the only one who ever felt that way or feels that way. I know I am not but I know that someone understands or understood how I am feeling even if they dont’ know or never knew that one day I would be going through the same things.

Today has just been a bad day from the time I woke up. I found out yesterday on my way to my night job they are putting a friend in hospice care. She is only my age. She had cancer a few years ago and beat it. Found out she has it back somewhere and was doing treatments. They life flighted her out a few days ago to a bigger icu and then the next day over to hospice. They found a mass on her brain the other day on top of everything else she has going on.

This morning i wake up to my friends 16 year old daughter missing. We haven’t had time to catch up in a while. She said she has been to Circles of Care 5 time and put away once. Last night she said she was going in the backyard for fresh air and left. Her and my oldest are only 3 months apart in age. When they were just 6 and 3 months old i use to watch her. Then when I had my house they use to come over her mom would stay with my kids give me a break.

Then sitting at work I see my friend that does my hair. Her mom passed away today. Her brother was just hit by a car and killed last year. I can only imagain how she is feeling.

It’s like no one can catch a break right now and i am so off and dealing with my own shit I can’t be there for anyone else. I feel bad because they all have been there for me.

I feel bad poor JW is just along for my moody depressed train wreck of a ride my life is right now. He just keeps saying its okay, everything is going to be fine how can i help. I dump on him or just in a blah mood when we are together I feel bad. I keep telling him I’m sorry. He just keeps saying there is nothing to be sorry about and he is there for me, he understands and things.



{August 12, 2019}   TMI Alert

It’s that time of the month two days early and two days in on top of everything else. As if I wasn’t already feeling bad enough the hormones and everything that comes with it don’t help. I want to cry and run away, have a melt down all at the same time. I feel like I just want to take a hot shower and just stay in it forever.

I dread being at home right now, the kids are mad at me. Oldest over school, Little Bitty over not being there. Now school started today and I will get to see them even less than I was and how much is less than when I see them next to never as it is.

Lately I find myself trying to figure out what to do about work more and more everyday. I love both of my jobs and have to have both of them to get by. There is nothing else around that pays close to what I am making at the 2nd job. I can’t get a job that is as flexible as the two are.

I was thinking this morning if I could find another job working a few hours a day making what I do at my other job maybe I could do a normal 8 to 10 hour day between the two and make what I am now. If I could get on full time at my 2nd job and get them to pay me what I am looking or need to make a week to do full time down there.

I think the main thing is all the shit at home I am dealing with. The bitch is still there and worse than ever. I don’t know what to do anymore. She just needs to go things are just getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do. The kids are not happy no one is happy.

Just feel stuck in this horrible situation. I don’t even know how I feel anymore or what to feel. Other than hating life wanting to not be here.



{August 8, 2019}   I Have Become A………

Stress eater, since I am not home and stuck at work sitting at a desk all day and night I can’t sleep when I am depressed or stressed out. It hit me today I am now eating to replace the not being able to sleep.

That as you can see is the XL candy bar I sat here and ate yesterday while stressing about everything.

Today I had to go to the social security office before work, that didn’t go over well. Not the news I wanted to hear or went there to even get really. While waiting on them to sort things out and wait for someone to come over and help the guy that was helping me I ended up being late for work. Why not be later and stop and get food. I didn’t really want food I wanted coffee. But I didn’t even feel like getting out of the car to get coffee so I went though the drive through. I don’t like their coffee I was going to get tea. Then I seen the other places on the other side of the parking lot and figured what the hell may as well get a milkshake. Why your at it make it a large too.

That turned in to two roast-beef sliders and curly fries to go with it. All I have left is the shake and I feel sick because I wasn’t even hungry hardly ever eat this early and nothing like that. Now I just want to curl up and go to sleep and I have to make phone calls find the guys work and just be awake because I’m at work. I slept better last night than I had in a while but it was still hard to get up and I am still so tired.



{August 5, 2019}   Workin’ Moms

I know I am late to the game once again probably but that is okay. I hardly ever watch tv at all unless a few minutes here and there with the kids. Then I don’t really watch it because who can hear or follow anything with 4 kids fighting and talking and doing whatever in the middle of it.

I signed up for a free Netflix trial the other day week when me and Little Bitty were laying in bed one night looking for something to watch. I have been watching it at work.

I started watching Grace and Frankie when it first came out, then got rid of Netflix and didn’t keep up with it. So I went back and started at the be-gaining and watched all of them. Now I have moved on to Workin’ Moms. I just finished season one and started season two a few minutes ago. Sadly I think this is the last season and I am not sure but I don’t think they are making anymore. I will have to check but I think this one came out a year or two ago so I would say they aren’t.

But while watching this I just laugh and then sit there and go wow I can so relate. Most of all I can relate to Frankie in the first season of the show. All I can think is who followed me around to record my life and tell her how to act.

Everything from the do you ever think about the plane just crashing, to the just tossing everything out or selling it. Her putting her face in the pool and the people pulling her out and her looking at them like nothing is wrong. You know your not going to do it but just don’t want to be here either.

Then the whole feeling guilty over the kids and not doing enough and not being there enough, the who is going to do everything for them and feeling overwhelmed at the same time. The other moms were dealing with what I feel everyday. the one mom feeling that she just needs the change or a change and piercing her nipple in the bathroom why they are out and wanting to leave her husband. Feeling that she is doing nothing but work work work for everyone and getting nothing in return from anyone but shit about what a horrible job your doing or why you shouldn’t be doing it or what you should be doing or doing different.

Imagine feeling that all on top of how Frankie was feeling and dealing with. That would me. I don’t know how I am getting by or functioning right now or the last month or more. I got one yes one hour of sleep last night. Then a huge fight with the Bitch this morning. I didn’t get to bed until 2 and watched a show with Little Bitty because I promised her and she is having a horrible time right now with all this. Then I laid there awake with my mind reminding me of every ball I have dropped, all that I have not cleaned up after, what a horrible job of being a person and/or parent I am, what is going to happen when all these balls that have been dropped and not dealt with come to a head. Then the thinking of oh well then maybe I will get a break and the drop of  a ton of breaks of feeling guilty for feeling that way when it deals with the kids. Then the circle of horrible mommy, poor kids slides back around and it just keeps going on and on like the song that never ends. I tell myself over and over that one person can’t get in my head not to let them get to me but I can’t help it. I know i have dropped the ball I need help but I don’t have it and don’t have anywhere to turn to get help. If I try then it just gives others more room and reason to pounce and cause life to be 1000x worse and keep pounding me down more and more and my kids to be unhappy more and more.

At the end of the fist season Frankie told her wife she was going to a treatment program to get help and I thought that would be so nice to be able to get help somewhere for the way I feel. But that isn’t an option for me like a lot of things aren’t an option for me. To have someone there that supports her and wants to still be with her. Who somewhat understands and wants to see her better.



et cetera
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