4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.

Could Of Been Me

As I sit here at work in front of my computer billing away each day I listen to pod cast on my ear buds. I listen to things like 48 hours, Crime Beat and other true crime or documentaries. Sadly so many of them are about husbands killing their wives or ex wives, boyfriends killing their girlfriends or ex girlfriends. It seems so hard to believe that there are so many of these women this happens to. But then when you think of the statistics 75% + of women who leave or try to leave end up dead. But still so many people don’t believe this goes on or marginalizes how bad domestic violence is or joke’s about it. As if it is no big deal.

So many feel it won’t happen to me or it won’t happen to my friend, loved one or co worker. My son, brother, friend, uncle wouldn’t do that even when the signs are there. I don’t know if it is because people don’t know what to look for? They don’t want to believe it?

As I sit here and listen to story after story, it for some reason really hit me today, how much danger I was really in and how that any one of these women they are talking about could of been me. How it was that bad and I really could not be here today.

It made me wonder why? Why didn’t I realize it at the time? Why didn’t I see it when friends and family were pointing it out and saying it? Why wasn’t I scared? Worried? Reporting him? Why didn’t I tell anyone about him knocking me up side the head or the back of the head when he would get mad. Or him shoving me across the room or through the house screaming and spitting in my face? Why didn’t I tell about him having me so upset I would be locked in the bathroom sick while he beat the door still screaming and yelling at me while laughing.

I would sit there leaning against the door begging him to go away. To just leave me alone and stop doing this if for no other reason than because of the kids being there watching, listening. He keep on until he got fed up and he would walk off like nothing ever happened. He truly was like jekyll and hyde. One minute raging the next nothing happen cooking, playing with the kids or walk off and go watch tv.

There were time’s I thought he was going to do some thing to himself. Bff was extremely scared he was going to do something to me. We lived close like 2 blocks from each other. Any time she heard syrens she would look to see where they were going or call/message me to see if I was alright. If she was gone for the day and we weren’t together she would call or message me throughout the day to make sure I was alright. I have told you all that before I am sure. There was a few times my mom said something and my sister. My sister was scared to be around him. She would not be left alone with him even as an adult. She was worried about me and the kids.

But thinking about it I think I wasn’t scared because I always would fight back and I wasn’t scared to stand up to him and do whatever I had to in order to get away. Before I get a bunch of people attacking me. I know a lot of these women were the same way probably and how many of them did fight back to get away. But I think I was just so use to it and use to it getting worse and worse and thinking ahead to worse case or what if this or that happen. That I really just wasn’t worried about it or thought that it would just be another fight to get through and deal with. I always had the thought is this going to be the time he blacks my eye? Is this going to be the time he breaks my nose. Just all out beat my ass? What am I going to do if he does this or that. The whole time we would be fighting I would be thinking ahead if he does this I can grab that, if he was to try that I can get out this way. I would be looking around what he was close to that he may pick up to use in some way and thinking what I would do if he did.

Writing that my mind is going, oh my god it is no wonder I am the way I am. Always in a state of survival every day. Spend wondering if and when he is going to snap, how bad it was going to be and what I am going to have to do just to survive another day. But at the time you are not thinking survival. It is just your normal every day life. You are just thinking of getting through another day. Sometimes you have the thought if you were dead at least you wouldn’t be miserable and your kids wouldn’t be living in the fighting every day.

But No One Was Getting HIT

I hear this when people are talking relationships and why they break up or broke up. It makes me want to scream and turns my stomach.

I am watching the Girlfrinds Guide to Divorce on Netflex

The lady is talking to her brother about getting a divorce. He is against it and thinks it is a bad idea. Which is funny because he is gay. You would think he would be one of the last ones to have a problem with it. He says he don’t understand it no one was getting hit, no one was cheating, blah blah. She says to him sorry I wasn’t getting hit. He of course says oh that wasn’t what he meant and things.

I hear this and I just want to scream. Not everyone knows if someone was or wasn’t getting hit, no one ever knew i was getting hit when I was with Father of the year. Most still don’t. Most have no idea  the ex stint of the abuse that went on. Because again no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Why do people feel the need to justify your decisions or change your mind? How do they think telling you that you weren’t getting hit makes everything else fine?

There is a lot more reasons to end a relationship other than getting hit. I relationship needs more to survive and be healthy other than two people knowing how to keep their hands to their selves. I mean don’t we all pretty much know this and do it on a daily bases when dealing with people in our daily life? Isn’t that one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit? Isn’t it like one of the fist rules when you start school and in every class? Keep hands and feet to yourself? We don’t say at least he wasn’t kicking you around.

I just don’t understand this, like the only people others decide to hit are their spouse or partner? Where did this idea that the only time we should get out of a relationship is if we are being hit? Why does this only apply to married couples and partners if this is the case? If we decide not to be friends with someone because we don’t like something they do, something they said, the way they treat us or just because we decided we didn’t want to, why don’t people say oh no you should still be friends because hey, they don’t hit you? Why is it okay to end any other relationship for any reason but to end a marriage or partnership we have to be getting knocked around?  We have to have black and blue marks or black eyes? Maybe we are getting out before it comes to that? maybe it has come to that and it’s been hidden? Because the person was embarrassed or just felt that it wasn’t everyone in the worlds business to know.

If someone says they are getting out of a relationship or getting a divorce they are not asking you to be okay with it, they are not asking you if it is okay, they are not asking if you agree with it or if it is what you would do. They are telling you to let you know, they are telling you to have the support, they are telling you because they feel they can confide in you and not be judged. If you are a true friend then don’t judge, don’t try to justify it, don’t try to fix it or make their decision okay. Just be there for them, listen to them, support them. If you can’t tell them that so that they can find someone who can.

Don’t try to talk someone into staying or tell them to work it out or it will get better. Because you most likely don’t know everything and what you are trying to talk them into holding onto and work out. Bff use to tell me the same thing when we first met and I told her we were in the process of separating and getting a divorce. She thought it was horrible and I needed to work it out and just hang in there it would get better. After she was around for a while and seen she even says she was wrong and feels bad for saying it and understands. Now that she is going through it she is really starting to see a lot and understand a lot more. You may feel your the bff and been around and know everything and they tell you everything but you don’t know at all. My own family didn’t know and we lived with them and next to them and everything for years. We seen them all the time. His family didn’t know, no one knew. Because we were the “perfect” family in public and around people.

He of course isn’t going to flip out and do shit in front of others when he puts on this show of being the perfect husband and father and doing no wrong. Some people are private people or don’t trust everyone. Others need to decide and figure things out on their own before everyone gets in involved. That is the route I decided to take. Nothing wrong  with either way. It is not for us to judge or decide the way others should handle things. it is just up to us to be there when they do come to us and tell us what they feel they can or should share with us.

 

My Anthem

This song has touched me more than any song I have ever heard. It has me in tears almost every time I hear it. I can feel it in my soul.

I had listen to it and I couldn’t figure out why it shook me like it does. I had not heard it in a long time and for some reason when everything happen with sleeping Beauty and the drinking and just everything from Wednesday on. Something pushed me to look it up and listen to it. Because I couldn’t make since of how I was feeling or what I was looking for.

Today on the way to work something said look it up see what it is about. I already knew but still could not figure out why it hits me so hard. I looked it up and it is not what I thought it was about at all.

It was written for Big Kenny’s sister as it will tell you when it starts. It is talking about her going through an abusive relationship and women dealing with domestic violence.

All I could think is WOW now it all makes since. It hits the nail on the head, how I feel, think and everything.

“She wants someone to call her angel,
Someone to put the light back in her eyes,
She’s looking through the faces,
And unfamiliar places,
She needs someone to hear her when she cries”

“She just needs a little help,
To wash away the pain she’s felt,
She wants to feel the healin’ hands,
Of someone who understands”

These two verses say it all and just hits me so hard and so deep. They do say it all. I just want to find someone who understands and cares and who will stick around. I am so tired. Tired of being alone, tired of doing it all, tired of never feeling loved. Tired of never being cared about or taken care of. I want to be happy again in those ways. I am okay and happy in most things but in this area I’m not and it is starting to affect everything else. I know I have my issues help me and love me through them just like I am willing to do for you. All i ask from anyone. But it seems to be to much.

Talked to My Boss

I had somethings to take care of this morning so I did that and messaged my bosses and asked them what time they would be at the shop this morning. The one messaged me back and said about 9:15. I told okay. Later he messaged and asked if something needed done first thing this morning before they went out? I told him no I just wanted or needed to talk to them. He said okay.

I got here just before that and came in was waiting on them to get here. I tried the computer it was shut down and off. I tried to turn it on it wouldn’t come on, it just beeped at me and a blank screen. I thought oh great he really can hack this stuff and what did he do? because only me and the one boss was here yesterday and he left shortly before I did and we never ever turn the computers off. We leave them on. I thought maybe he came back and was doing something and shut it down for something or did something.

He came in a little after 9:30, he was like oh wow your hear early. I said yeah I wanted to talk to you. We had just been talking yesterday about how you can hide apps to track people and things like that on the phones. He was saying he put one on his sons phone so that if something happen he could find him even if his gps and things were off. Then hid it so someone couldn’t turn it off.

I said you know we were talking about this yesterday, I said can you tell if there is something on my phone to track me or listen to my calls and see my messages or what I do on my phone? He said yeah, I said will you? He said yeah, yeah let me see I can check it. I gave it to him. He was standing here by me at the desk going through it and checking it out. I said I kind of got myself in a situation and I am not sure how to handle it or get out of it. I said I don’t think my phone was left to have anything put on it and most the time I have it locked but I had the lock off and I went to the bathroom and things I may have left it just laying there on the table.

After that is when I told him I kind of got myself into a situation and wasn’t sure how to handle it or get out of it. He kind of looked up from the phone and looked at me like what the hell is going on. I said Saturday I went to the village after work to the concert. I was supposed to go with a group of friends they backed out so I went by myself. I said this guy was there with some friends and things and came over and started talking to me. I said he seemed okay I talked to him we have been talking the last week. I told him how we all go to Applebee’s Wednesday when I get off my other job and that he went with us. I said but other than that we have just messaged or talked. I said but there was just something about him that I couldn’t figure out or read whatever you want to say. I said my friends think he is great and he this nice guy I should give him an chance. I said but I don’t know him we were just talking. I said a few things he said just seemed kind of off to me I was sitting at my other job last night after I left here and decided to just look him up and see what it showed. I wasn’t ready for what it showed at all. I told him and he was like oh wow.

I said now I don’t know if he has put something on my phone maybe, or how to handle it and get away from him, he knows where I work and things. He said well today is your last day here by yourself we will be here all next week. He said just kind of lay low don’t say to much until later. He said that way if he gets mad and wants to come here and start we will be here. He said if he comes here and starts I will whip his ass. If he wants to come her start or get nasty with you. He said you don’t need that around your kids, you don’t need it around you. I said I know I was floored when I seen it. I said he started talking I was just nice and talk. He said yeah don’t worry about it he won’t start here I will take care of it. I said I’m not scared of him but I don’t want to be dumb or stupid about it either. I want to be prepared in case.

I said I don’t know how to get rid of him, just ignore him he will go away, confront him, tell him I am seeing someone else? What is going to be better, what would be worse. He said yeah I don’t know that is hard not knowing what will set him off or what. He said said maybe just ignore him for now see if he leaves you a lone if he don’t then when we are here next week tell him you are seeing someone else. He said you never told him you two were going to get together or be together or something like that did you or make him think that? I said no, no not at all, I said he has hinted around at it and I just say I don’t know or nothing or what. I said but he wants more. I said we don’t even know each other for me to know if I would want more with him or not even if I hadn’t found this and everything was fine. He said yeah just play it off back off from him and see how it goes then if you have to tell him something do it and see what happens from there. I think that is probably the best idea.

I told Pops when he came in, I said so the guy I met I told you I didn’t know what to think about and I thought he might be full of shit. I said he is and told him he was like omg. I said I know. He said you can’t be around that now you have to worry about that. I said I know. He came in my office when I came back in here a little bit ago he said I have a stun gun in my car, if I leave here today I am going to give it to you to keep in your desk or on you just in case anything happens or you need it. I said okay. The boss said all that is recorded so if he comes up here and starts with you, you need it you have that too. He be stupid to come start he knows it is recorded but hell people do stupid shit all the time that is recorded.

I told my boss too he told me he was on disability at one point. He said he was in an accident I figured it was from that he said he forgot things and stuff like that. I said he was long term committed and that takes a lot. The way he talked I didn’t think he was still on it but then Wednesday he was waiting for a money to hit the bank. I said he still on it he getting a crazy check not because of the accident. My boss laughed he said yeah your probably right. I said I think so.

About the time it says he was long term committed is about the time he says he was out in the other state and setting up and doing all these businesses for friends out there and then Sailing all over the last few years. I said he was probably away. Some of these charges these people had injunctions against him for years and then he violated them so it didn’t just happen and then he went away and left them alone. This is just really messed up and not cool.

After not hearing from him since 530 last night he messaged me about 10 this morning. He wanted to know what the deal was. He has made a few comments about coming over and things. I tell him no and I have the kids and things. He says he isn’t scared. I finally said yesterday okay here is the deal……But then wasn’t able to finish talking to him. So this morning he was like what is the deal????

I wanted to say well yesterday there was one but things have changed here is the new deal. I looked you up and I know all about your past and you say you beat this or that or what but that means nothing and there are all these that you didn’t beat that are worse than the ones you did. So I know all about you I can’t have you around. But I didn’t, I figured I should just do like my boss said and keep things alright get through the day back off slowly and if I have to say something say something later or in a few days. I don’t want him to come up here and start but if he is going to it wouldn’t be good if he did today with just me and Pops here or with Pops here. I rather be here alone than Pops being here if the guys weren’t going to be here. It is so crazy how people can be so different than what they let on to be. He seems like a nice, funny, decent guy then you look him up and see all this.

I am sorry I shouldn’t say he is crazy or crazy check or whatever. I know mental illness is a real thing god knows I know and have dealt with it enough myself. I don’t mean it in a bad way at all. There is nothing wrong with getting it if you have mental illness and truly need it can get it that is great. I am just I don’t know my mind is going 90 miles a minute trying to figure it all out and the fact he just acts like he has nothing done nothing and knows that all he is telling us is probably 99% lies and he just laughs when I would say he was so sure of himself and so full of it and things. If you have something wrong if you did something be upfront about it, don’t lie or try to hide it. Yeah we just started talking and things, but when you are asked what will I find on you if I look you up don’t lie and say traffic and a few things but nothing big and I beat them. Not when you have 20 pages of stuff against you. If you been committed or something and you know it is there you may want to explain that before someone just see’s it. I don’t know like I said I feel he is just trying to get over on people. That he is just running a game and when it starts to fall through he then flips. I don’t know if he don’t know what he is doing then why is he free to walk around on his own why is he not being taken care of or committed. I don’t know what I think other than why me? Why can’t I really meet someone decent? What am I being punished for? Is this one really going to try something or do something if I stop talking to him? If so when and what? How long do I have to wait watch and look over my shoulder and things?

I also had the thought and told my friend he has lived all around me here where I grew up, by my house me and ex had and this house I am in now. He even lived not that far from me when I lived up the road a little piece. Maybe he has been my stalker that I have had for years. That just creeps me out a little. I have always said I probably talked to this person whoever it is because I worked at the stores and things so they can come in buy stuff come through my line or come up and ask me where things are or whatever like any other customer and I would never know. They are laughing the whole time because they are and I don’t know. If this is him now we have talked hung out together and everything else he has hugged me and all. That just makes me feel really sick thinking about it and if it was he has just taken things to a new level. What could or will he do next? I know now I sound crazy and far fetched but who knows. Knowing he lived right down the street or around the corner all these different places when this was going on. I have to stop thinking about it all I tell myself no and forget it. It is just here now and to just worry about that but I don’t know what to think about it all anymore.

Why do I feel so stupid and so embarrassed about it all? I didn’t do anything I was standing in a field at a concert and talked to someone. What am I supposed to do just look at the ground everywhere I go and not talk to anyone? It isn’t like I am going out let me see how messed up of a person I can find or some one with the worst past I can to talk to and be friends with. I just end up with these people I don’t know.

Full Of Shit and Worse Than The Rest

So like I said in my other post Bff and J’s hubby think this guy I met Saturday is just great and such a nice guy. I am just looking for something to be wrong with him or an excuse. I keep telling them no there is something about him. Like I said I can’t decide if he is just full of shit or what. They are all give him a chance this and that. I said let me get to know him I don’t know him to decide or give him anything. I’m not expecting anything. I am going in no expectations of any kind. I just can’t get a good read on him. Most people you just know or they are easy to figure out. But he is just i can’t figure out what it is about him.

Today I thought I had and even bff said yeah she thought I was kind of right. I told her he is just to all over me, into me or whatever you want to say. Just oh your this and that your eyes, just all the stuff he has said.

But I told her if he isn’t just full of shit then he is akaward in ways because of how he grew up. He is use to only having people around because of the money. No or few real friends. We aren’t waiting or asking him to pay we are talking to him like he is an everyday person or what. So I understand some of the things that have been said or what.

I was starting to relax a little. But there was just something that made me feel really uneasy when he stopped at work today. I thought just because i was at work I don’t mix work and personal. I still wasn’t expecting anything just felt like i figured things out a little bit.

Tonight I was sitting at my other job writing and things. Something just said look him up. I started not to but I did. I knew he had some traffic stuff but that was it really. I don’t know what I expected to find really nothing other than that but I had to look.

Holly shit I was not expecting to find what I found. At the top was traffic stuff. But then it went on and a divorce came up, then another I think 2 or 3 plus the annulment he said he had.

Then domestic violence, stalking; cyber stalking, and sexual this and that. A charge of something over 65, dv with kids, dv with out kids, violation of injunction, arrest for out of county stuff, a baker act and a committed to long term care baker act.

I just sat there with this sick feeling in my stomic and the thought of what do I do? How do I handle this? I called bff and was like this is what I just found!!!! She was like omg he was with us we were hanging out with him. What are you going to do?

My first was call him confront him ask him about it. Tell him i know now he is full of shit and stay away from me. I did call he never answered. I messaged he hasn’t messaged back. I have not heard from him since about 6 something.

But I don’t know now if I should just wait just stop talking to him. Tell him i am seeing someone i have been talking to we decided to get together give it a try or what.

I just want to be done no problems but i don’t think it will be that easy the way he talks about me and things.

I called my old friend I haven’t talk to in months to see if I could borrow a gun but he didn’t have one. He said he looked kind of creepy. I said gee thanks, but he said maybe he was young, maybe he had some girl putting him through hell or he was going through some shit. Maybe he is alright now doing better or changed. I said no over over repeat vilation this that. He said dam girl you better back away slowly. He got some problems. I said I know, all i was doing was standing in a field and tried to be nice talk to someone who talked to me. He said i know why i don’t even try to find someone or want to be with anyone. I said i don’t either now. He said something about his boat. I said no I didn’t go out there at all I’m not stupid. He said probably some kind of torture chamber or something. I said yeah no shit. He says his daughter lives out there on it with him. I said to him and bff before that I wonder who is really out there? What is going on.

Now he knows where I work, both jobs and that I am at this one alone and in the back. He has been all through there. They have someone they know come in they bring them in my office they sit and talk. I told him come back sit we walked out the back door he sat there and smoked. Then he left.

Bff thinks I should say something to my bosses at my day job so they know what is going on in case something happens. I am so embarrassed and feel so stupid. But I thought they are federal cop they are probably the best ones to ask for adive. They know me won’t blow me off. Think I am crazy I hope. They dont know me outside of work so who knows what they will think if i tell them this. I told Pops Tuesday about meeting him. I told him I didn’t know what to think about him. I couldn’t decide if he was full of shit or alright. He said all you can do is talk to him get to know him. Nothing wrong with that.

I have to decide what to do. Talk to my boss or not and how to deal with him. I told bff I told him I was stood up by her and other friends and I said something I think about a guy was supposed to come too. He said something about how could he stand me up he be with me any chance he had or something. I should say look I have been talking to this guy for over a year we decided to get together and see where it goes. He had emergancy out if town he just got back. Hope he just goes away. She thinks he is going to start showing up where we hang out. I told her if he does and comes over to us I am going to tell him sorry I told you already I can’t talk to you I am with someone. Then if he won’t go away or tries to start a problem i will call the police get them to make him leave.

All The Bad Shit

Have you ever had one of those days where all the bad shit that has ever happen to you in life just won’t stop playing over and over in your head like a movie? I am going on day two of that, I don’t know why or what triggered it but it won’t stop. I have been able to block it out to a point, if I keep myself busy and around others. But when I am alone or get aggravated it is worse and it is always there no matter what.

I just keep playing the rape, fights, the abuse, the hurt, the deaths everything over and over in my mind. I think that yesterday was the first day I really let the word rape be used and called it what it is and how it was. All I can think in my head is how did you let that happen? How did you let it keep happening? You finally stood up and put a stop to it, why didn’t you the first time? You let it happen, you just let it happen and did and said nothing. I think I was just so tired, so broken, so wore out and beat down…………….. I said no, I made it clear I didn’t want to do anything, I went so far as to tell him to go find someone else I didn’t care. He didn’t care, he told me so, he told me he couldn’t I was his wife I was supposed to give it to him, who thinks someone wants something when they are crying why your doing it? He knew he can say what he wants. What do you say and do to that???????????? I should of put a stop to it sooner, I really should of there is no one to blame for that but me for not putting a stop to it after the first time the third or the forth or whatever time it was up to……..

To Long to Get into a Routine

I have noticed that as soon as I feel that I have a routine figured out and starting to get classes under control it’s the end of the term or just about the end of the term and time to start new ones. Then the whirlwind of trying to get a routine down again starts. I can’t really keep the same one and just change what classes I’m working on because I don’t always take the same number of classes, they are due different days, some have two days stuff is due and some are due on days that I have other things and can’t work on them. So I have to see what days each one is due then if it interferes with something else set it up due early so that I can get both things done.

At least the next two terms the classes will be longer. This term they started mid May and will be done the first week of August. The next ones will start August and end the first week of December. Then January til May. Then I will hopefully only have one more of these short terms and I will be done. Unless I take the rest of the aging classes and have problems with my math class. Then I will have to do one more fall term. Right now I am not liking the aging part and thinking about not doing the other two classes for it and just get my degree in domestic violence. If I do the aging I will have a certificate in Aging matters. I keep telling myself that it is only two more classes but I still just don’t know if I want to do it. The one class I am taking now is part of the problems I am having keeping up with the rest of my classes. I think the same teacher has all three classes. I guess we will see.