Could Something Good Happen Just This Once

Just once I like something good to happen. I like to get a decent job paying decent with decent hours. All these fuck ups and screw ups walk in and get them left and right and still don’t take care of the things they should. I am doing everything I can to take care of the the things I should and all I get is shit on. Why can’t something good just happen this one time?

I just need to get all my bills caught up and the furniture in the house replaced. Don’t ask another huge mess that my mother caused and I am left to fix.

I am not asking anyone to do it for me pay it for me nothing just a job that will allow me to make enough to do it myself and I can’t even get that. What fucking point is there in trying anymore just to get nowhere and struggle from now on. Again he is paying i should be able to get ahead but now because now i am getting next to no hours at work. So everything is due and going off any day now. By the first everything will probably be off because i can’t pay it. I wasn’t making enough to catch up just enough to keep everything on. Unexpected expinces and hours being cut I can’t even do that. If hours hadn’t been cut and this other didn’t happen i could be almost caught up.

At this point I am ready to call dcf and tell them I can’t do it no more. I truely have thought about it the last few days. I am sitting in my truck fighting not to cry and wishing i could just get away from it all. I could wave a wond and everything would go away. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of it no more i wouldn’t have 4 other people to worry about a house or none of it. I could just work on me and getting a job and a place to start over and then bring the kids back into it. All I can do at this point is let it all go off let everything happen and i don’t even care anymore. I don’t want to be here no more. I don’t care who it hurts, i don’t care who it leaves having to do what or go where or what anyone is going to think or what is going to happen with the kids or anything. I just want it all to stop i just can not deal with it anymore. Before i cared before i was done needed a break but i still found some drive to fight and care and feel some. This point i don’t care, i don’t feel, i have no fight i have no want to fight no desire to fight no desire to feel or care anymore.

Not Sure What I am Feeling

Its one of those days where I have no idea what I am feeling or what to do or how to fix anything. I don’t feel stressed unless I sit and really start thinking about the bills and what is due how much I owe out. Then I feel my anxiety start to climb. Other than that if I just don’t think about it I don’t feel anything at all. I know I should be up doing something and that I need to be looking for a job but I can’t make myself get up and do it today. The thought of going and applying and interviews and being turned down not called back and the expectations of these jobs and the next to nothing pay the want for all that they want. It all stresses me makes my anxiety 100x worse, I feel like I am going to start having panic attacks again between trying to find a job and keep up with everything. I feel like it is a never ending battle I am to the point of everything is so far gone and such a mess why even try. Just lay here and do nothing and let whatever is going to happen happen. We have to move okay, if the lights go off or whatever. I feel like I have tried for 5 years and failed why keep trying. It does no good to ask for help because there is always an excuse or reason where ever i go whatever i try to get help with or for no matter how simple or big it is. I am okay with doing nothing and whatever happens just happens.

I have no idea what will happen if all that happens nor at this point do I care. I don’t want to be the responsible one all the time anymore i truely feel at this point I no longer can and it feels like a huge weight lifted to think that I wouldn’t have to be anymore. I feel like I could breath i don’t feel like I am dying a slow painful death.

Guess i better go get the kids at school.

contemplate Death

Do you ever contemplate about your own death? Ways, what it be like, how long it would take? Thats the mood I am in right now. I don’t want to and couldn’t but I am over it all. But I don’t know anyway that would be quick and over with feel nothing, that nothing would go wrong it be quick painless and I would know nothing. But there is no way to have that for sure so…

Why I Share

Lately I have gotten some comments about things I say or share. Not here but in person or on facebook. I share to much or I shouldn’t share this or that or said something. What will people think or how will they take it? What if it bothers them or affects the way they think about me, treat me or interact with me?

To this I say it is on them and their own issues or insecurities if it makes them uncomfortable.

The other day when the owner at Escape the Beach ask to buy me a car just take it weekly from my check. I told him I could not afford to do that. He said even if it was just $20 a week he didn’t care, I just needed a car. I wasn’t nasty or rude or say it in a way to sound like it was his fault. But I explained this started out as a 3rd job for me. But that I lost 2 do to no fault of my own. That right now working just this one I did not make enough to cover my monthly bills. So until I find something else I couldn’t give anything weekly to anyone.

Someone ask how I been getting to work I tell them asking for rides or catchi n g the bus. Then they want to know how the bus is going how many I catch or what. I tell them it is a mile walk and 2 buses to get to work then I bum a ride home because there is no bus home. If I have to I will just walk it.

I am asked why I left my ex husband and got a divorce? Because I was tired of the abuse. I have had some say he abused you? Like they are shocked I been a victim of abuse. Or they say how bad was it or what kind or something. Not being rude just really surprised I guess. I tell you straight up, mental, physical, emotional, sexual, verbal you name it he did it.

Or times I have said I am ready to drop kids on their father’s door steps and let them do it all for a while. That I am tired, woreout, done and don’t care. Yes I care about and love my kids. But there are times, i don’t want to do anymore and need a break. I don’t care what anyone says it is not wrong of me to feel that way or that their dads should step up take a turn.

I am told I shouldn’t say these things or things about being lonely or talking to different people or going on dates. God for bid I may have feelings for someone and share that.

Let me say I do not share anything or tell anyone anything to get them to look,feel, or think anyway about me good or bad. If I am asked something I am going to be 100% with my answer. If I share something I am going to be honest, I am not going to sugare coat it or omit parts to not make someone uncomfortable or not feel someway about it.

I do not tell anyone or share in away or to try to get people to feel sorry for me or to get someone to do anything for me. That is not what I am looking for.

When I share here, on my page or in person, I share because I hope that it helps someone else. Just like when I started this blog, I started it as a place to journal and get my thoughts out. A place to vent, cry, bitch, yell, scream and rejoice. But I also started it in hopes of maybe helping someone else not feel alone on this road of being a single parent. To show that it is okay to feel all these feelings, have all these thoughts and that no it isn’t easy but that if I can figure out ways to get through all that I have so can they. There is hope and a place to come and vent if they want. Maybe I share more than some but you know what this is as real as it gets. This is life these are all the things going on in it and how I feel about them and handling or maybe not handling them right now. I feel that if we are going to put our lives out here then we should put it all out there, the good bad and ugly. Sometimes I know it seems more like a shit storm than sunshine and flowers other times its just random stuff. But your getting it all. Not just the parts that make life look good or just the poor me, feel sorry for me. Because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry. And I don’t want anyone to think they have an idea of me when they have just read the bad things going on or i just write about the good things. So if I give you a good rounded blog then you can form a better idea of how I am or why.

All Hell About to Break Lose

So the 5th came and went and I did not get the water paid. They will be out sometime in the morning pretty early probably to turn it off. When they do all hell is going to go down here. My mother is going to start and she will most likely call dcf on me because of the kids. That is going to be a new can of worms to deal with.

But I am done I am done dealing with any of it anymore. I can’t do it anymore. A person can only handle so much before it becomes to much and I hit that and still been trying to keep going. But I can’t anymore. I can’t push through and keep going. I am done I am ready to walk away and whatever happens just happens.

I talk to my friend last night she keeps saying it will get better don’t worry just keep goinbg I have to keep going. But like I told her its been years and it hasn’t gotten better. When it starts to it just gets worse and worse. Just like now I would not be in this mess if her husband had said hey just to let you know i don’t think we are going to need you anymore in a bit you may want to find something else. Not just hey dont come in.

I haven’t been able find anything else because there is nothing as flexible to work around everything. Every dime i have made goes right back into the house and bills its not like im blowing it or what but it dont matter. I still can not keep things going. I cant keep fighting. I am so done wore out tired beat down and defeated. I just can’t do it no more i have no more fight left or want to fight left. My kids are miserable and unhappy. We need things we can’t get right now, other than just the water paid. I am just done at this point i can’t do anymore. It is 624 am. I am waiting to get up and take little bitty to daycare and decide what i am going to do where i am going to go because i can’t come back here and deal with all this and her once the water goes off. Just go mia or just be done with it all once and for all. I cant face my kids after i have failed them. I just can’t do it, I can’t fight with her no more i am done i can’t take dealing with her no more in any way shape or form. I feel like i am going to puke right now thinking about it all and all the mess i am in with money and bills because i cant get this one thing taken care of. I can’t belive this. I dont know what i am going to do but i see why people walk away. I feel horrible but i can’t do anymore than i have right now. If they would let me pay weekly like i asked i be okay get it paid off but they won’t and no one will help me. I dont know what the hell is left. I give up let someone else figure it all out. Everyone says what a horrible person i am what a horrible mother i am just proves them right. So i should just step out of the picture. I cant do it no more take it all no more. Dont know if or when i will be back here either. Guess it all depends on what i decide to do to get away from all this and stop dealing with it all.

Random Thought 6

You know once you jump you cant save yourself if you can’t swim. So if you just get to that point your good. Its all over in a few.

Job is Over Already

I received a phone call last night I wasn’t sure who it was so I didn’t answer it I was busy. In a little bit when I checked the message it was from work. They said I needed to call them before I came back to work. I called them back he said they were winding down the job I am on and that I needed to come in Monday to talk to them about another job. He said they didn’t know if or what they had and they didn’t know what I would get or if it would be in that office or one about 30 or more miles a way from me. So I guess I will be going back in Monday to talk to them but do not expect to get anything out of it. I would not mind doing one of their other jobs if I was getting paid just to hold me over until I find something else.

It is relief and stress all rolled in one, relief that I don’t have to go back there and get yelled at by people because I am trying to do a job I have not been trained to do and stress because I need the money until I find something else. I guess I will see what Monday holds. They said just come in whenever it isn’t a normal work day. I figure they are going to try and send me to the other office for open enrollment but I can’t go all the way down there. I spend a ton in gas and not be back up this way in time to get my kid from daycare. I spend a ton of money in gas. Plus all the extra time going back and forth. I am going to call some places tomorrow and see if I can get some interviews lined up.

I Think Everyone Is Sleeping

It’s not even 1030 pm and I think everyone in my house is sleeping, I haven’t heard anything about of any of them in about 30 minutes. I a glad they all need the sleep, they all have school tomorrow. I am done for the day, I started with kids puking in the bathroom sink at like 4 am while the other rolled around and cried with her ear hurting, to be followed by hours long trip to the ER, a broken glass in the floor at one point, going to three stores to get medications filled and one kid without any until tomorrow, the toilet overflowing all over my bathroom when we got home and then milk being spilled in my floor tonight as I was trying to go to bed. I was just ready for them all to be in bed so that nothing else will happen hopefully. I have 5 minutes of peace before I decide to go to bed, but wouldn’t you know I am wide awake so who knows it may be more but that is okay too. I just had to share because it isn’t often that this happens. I know my girls are not feeling good so they of course went to bed early, I just told the boys it was bedtime but most the time they will stay up and talk until I get onto them a dozen times.

Coming Together

Everything is finally coming together and getting done. Father of the year finally showed up I went to my training. He put the blinds up and I had him get the furniture out of the house and out of the way so that they could bring the new stuff. I am sitting here enjoying my new couch and writing my post. oh my gosh it is so much nicer than my other couch. I knew mine wasn’t that great but it was bad I almost feel bad to sell it to someone else it is so bad. But there is nothing wrong with it, it is in nice shape it is just very uncomfortable. That could just be me as well since my back and things are messed up, others may like them and find them very comfortable. I see a ton of them for sale new so they must be selling.

Father of the year has had some attitude today, not sure what his problem is, other than the fact he can’t stand it I got a new living room set. I came home and looking for a set of coffee tables that had a matching sofa table because the set I wanted didn’t have one and I want one. I have my t.v. sitting on a high top dining room table. It’s now very long or wide just big enough for two people. I like it and it works great for that. I was thinking if I could find a table set with a sofa table that matched I could sit the t.v. on the sofa table and it would all match. But I couldn’t find one. Talking about it he just made face and then just acted like an ass as always. Then my little one asked about the couches and what they were like I pulled up a picture to try and show him. I found one and it showed the couch middle folded down to make a little table. I said I know the love seat has a con soul I didn’t know the middle of the couch folded down like that I didn’t think it did. I said that will be nice I can fold it down put my lap top on it and sit do my school work or what and put my feet up so my legs don’t swell and hurt all the time like they do now. He just gave me a dirty look. He got up walked away and mumbled something about new set. I ask what he said nothing I didn’t say anything. I said why don’t you say it if you have something to say? He just gave me more dirty looks. I said well I am the one that pays for it and I have hardly used my t.v. or the living room set since I got it because it is horrible I should be able to have something that I can use. He just went on.

He don’t like it because even if he had his own place right now he would have nothing to put in it and he would have who knows what and in god only knows what kind of shape because he don’t budget his money and try to have anything nice. I don’t have a lot but I budget and figure out ways to get the things we want. Just like selling my old stuff to get new. He don’t like it that I’m just living life and moving on and doing good for me and the kids. He hasn’t been coming around as much since the divorce and I haven’t been talking to him much at all either. He don’t like it I’m not sitting around boo hoo because the divorce is over. Just like he said the other week about getting over me and he can’t. Just like the other week he is Still Trying to get back together or get me to have something to do with him. Since that night he really hasn’t been around much.

I just sat here why I had a free minute and was thinking about it and typed up a thing documenting how he has not taken the kids at all since the divorce, how he don’t let me know he isn’t taking them or ask if he needs a sitter, don’t come to see them during the week at all. How he thinks that if he takes them for the weekend I should be telling him everything I am doing or who I am talking to. That I have to ask and ask him to give me the child support that he owes and is supposed to be paying. That half the time I don’t get it until Wednesday or Thursday the following week and then have to wait on that weeks, for days or week at a time. I put how if he does have time with them he can’t at his house he has to come to mine and do it. I put it all in there. Just documenting so that when I go to move away he can’t fight it and if he does he isn’t going to have a leg to stand on. He will hang himself like he always does.

I read in my developmental psychology class last night that fathers who are on a every other weekend time share plan and a day during the week plan move on with life and don’t come around as much after the first two years. It would be nice if he just stopped coming around but I know it isn’t going to happen. The only way it might happen is if he moves to his own place or at least somewhere other than where he is living and meets someone new. I think that if he found someone knew he wouldn’t have a second thought about anything over here.

Once we move I don’t think we will hear from him much other. He will swear he has no money to come see the kids that he can’t bring them to his house if they come here or something. Mostly that he don’t have the money to get them back and forth and that he can’t get off work I am sure. But if you hear him tell it he will tell everyone I moved the kids away and won’t let him see them. But I don’t really care and if us moving was going to make it so bad then why didn’t he take it to the judge and tell her he didn’t want us to go? If he did they let us go? Probably because he wasn’t seeing them when they were right here a few miles away right. People aren’t stupid they are going to know when he starts his boohoo poor him bullshit.

But other than that everything is coming together here and going along pretty good. Me and the kids have the house almost refurnished with stuff that works for us and not just full of junk that we are making due with. The kids are loving school and their clubs. We are getting out and doing things more again than we have in years. Eve just going to the store, I have seen my friend in the store a lot lately she even said why your getting out more I never see you in the store. Because I feel like doing stuff going places and getting out. I just feel a lot more relaxed since I have everything done and not dealing with him around all the time. I’m not having to keep the peace and keep my mouth shut.

I am doing the volunteer thing I want to do and going to school now. I am about half way or more done with school once I finish these classes. I will only have two terms to go hopefully and will be done with that. I am getting my house back in order so I can have people over. We like to have people over for dinner, parties or just to hang out. The house has been in such chaos with trying to keep the peace and him always around I haven’t felt like doing it even though I wanted too. The house has just had minimum done to keep it up some things really need to be taken care of and put back together.

Finally Get To See My Dad

Finally just a few minutes ago the van got fixed after being broke down for what seems like forever. I know it just broke down the night before last and was down yesterday. But with all that is going on it seems like it has been days.

They looked at it last night but wanted to get another bolt and things for it because the one that came with it seemed small. Then my friend was going to come back today and take me to see my dad since it couldn’t get done until after 6 tonight. By then he would be sleeping it would be to late to go see him. Then today she couldn’t come take me other stuff happen.

I finally called father of the year and told him to just bring be the bolt and thing that came off of it, I would go get the part and figure out how to put it on myself. If I needed to get a bigger bold later I would. I really didn’t care as long as it would get me where I needed to go and back. If it broke again I just have to fix it again but it should last a while before it did that one did.

So now I am feeding the kids lunch and trying to get them to get dressed so that we can get out of here and go. I don’t figure we will be there long but at least I will get to see him. They said yesterday he hadn’t eaten in two days. Don’t know if he finally ate last night or today or not. I have a feeling he probably hasn’t. I hope I can get him to eat something when I get there but I don’t know. I know before they tell me he said he didn’t want anything then I ask him he eat something.

I just wish my heart would stop hurting it has been hurting for days now. It just seems to be getting worse and worse. I am use to it hurting off and on through the day, but never all day everyday and not for days and just hurt more and more not get better.  I know it is the stress but I know it isn’t good too. It shouldn’t be hurting like this for this long. I haven’t had anything to take for it for years. I don’t even have a doctor to go to or I could call that could give me some. I can’t tell you the last time I went to a doctor other than when I was pregnant. The last time I remember going was back a year or so before I had my little guy, so probably about 6 or 7 years ago. I guess I will have to see about getting something for it Monday or Tuesday if it hasn’t stopped hurting by then.