{July 22, 2019}   Not Alright

I want to quit my job, I want to go home pack my kids up and leave. Just walk away and leave everything, animals, personal things, whatever that will not fit in the car besides me and the kids. that would pretty much be everything including clothes because there is no room in it once everyone gets in.

I don’t want to be at work, I don’t want to go to work tonight, I don’t want to be at my house. I just want away from it all. I am sitting here now fighting not to cry. I don’t know why I feel this, the weekend was pretty good. Saturday I went and had the truck towed back to the guy. That took hours when they told me 30 minutes. I went home got the kids lunch. After lunch we went tot he garden store the kids had been wanting to go to. After that we went to dinner and a few stores around there. Yesterday we didn’t do to much. Me and the girls took old dog and got her shots and we hung out at home. We slept in until after noon the dog had to be there at 4. By the time we did that it was time for dinner. We went and made dinner watched a movie and I was in bed by probably 12. I laid there a little bit and finally fell a sleep. I slept after that but I guess not good. I woke up at 7:30. I woke up thinking I just want another hour I don’t know what time it is but I just need one more hour sleep and I think I could function. I don’t know why but it’s just how I felt. I seen what time it was I could sleep until I was thinking 9 but then I remembers I had to go to the store for the kids. So I had just at one hour to sleep. I did some but not long. I thought I been laying there a few minutes and looked again and it was a few minutes until I had to get up. I just felt like no I need to sleep, I just need to lay here and sleep for a while. Until I feel better, until I wake up and feel like everything is okay. I need to sleep until everything is okay. We all know that isn’t going to happen no matter how much I sleep. Nothing is every going to be okay, it is never going to feel like everything is going to work out.

I think the main thing that is bothering me is the money issue. I feel like I am behind and now the fact I bought this truck and it is no good and I spent all my money on it. If I hadn’t bought it I would have money to do what I need to. I could have caught my bills up, got things we need for the house. I didn’t catch things up, I figured I would get them caught up the next few weeks they weren’t that bad. I owed a month maybe two on some but that was it. But then missing three days of work from the 4th of July and spending money on things that come up.

I think I could of took that money and moved on it. If I wasn’t going to have a vehicle then I could of at least moved. I feel like I have put us in such a bad spot again.

I don’t know what I am feeling right now. I feel like I need to do something. I need to do something, something dramatic or big or I don’t know. I just need some kind of change. I feel like I am in this never ending rut of here this is going to go good things are turning, ha ha nope back to your rut nothing good for you. Nothing good that is going to make a difference or really get us somewhere or make things easier or nicer or just work out for us. I feel like we are not supposed to be happy.

I feel like I need to be so many other places than work but work takes top over everything else. Little Bitty is having such a hard time with me not being there, the other kids are as well. I can’t do anything but just keep telling them they are going to get better and that I have to do this to keep things going. I say it and I don’t feel it. I don’t feel things are going to get better. I feel that we are all dealing with this and going through this, I am wore out and drained and that we are getting no where. I just keep doing it to try and not sink, hope that it gets better, that something will change.

Then my mind goes other places it shouldn’t even go, like how are my kids going to get by the way things are, are they going to be made at me and want nothing to do with me because of the way things are now, are they going to blame me for all we have been through and the fact we struggle so much, are they going to not want anything to do with me or are they going to understand and see that I cared, that I tired that I struggled and in more ways than one. That It has been so hard on me and all my swings and moods, depression and all that. That it has all made things that much harder and why some things are the way they are. Does it matter? Why does it matter?

{July 21, 2014}   Put on a good show

I went out with my friend J the other night for a little while. I was looking for some clothes because I have hardly any that aren’t wore out or messed up. I never buy myself clothes until it gets to this point. I had refused to buy any until I lost some weight to. Who am I kidding I am not going to lose the weight until I get out of the situation I am in. You can’t lose very well when you live in a constant state of depression, walking on egg shells, and the never knowing. I know I have tried before and now it just don’t happen for me. I don’t eat like I should and can’t force myself to. I don’t feel like eating 99% of the time and feel sick and full after a few bites when I do.

When things aren’t so stressful I can drop it quick and easy. I can lose  in a couple weeks when I’m not so stressed and depressed.

Anyway she could tell when she got in the truck something was wrong. I told her I am just tired of living like this and I just want him out of my house. She was talking about how we put on such a show and so good acting when people are around. She said we don’t look like a loving couple but we don’t fight or nasty to each other and things. We don’t most the time, there has been a few times that we have gotten into it in front of others. But I try really hard not to make it anymore awkward than what it is and to just have fun and enjoy the company and the change why it last.

But the show is killing me it is a slow and painful death that happens from the inside out. It smothers you and kills your spirits, hopes, dreams and desires. It wears you out brings you down and makes you weak. At times it seems no matter how hard you try you get no where fast. It slowly starts to show in your outward appearance, attitude and outlook on life. It starts to show in your actions and when you speak. It becomes almost impossible to hide how you feel or that there is something wrong. It wears you out putting on the same show day after day, month after month. You get very tired it gets hard to get out of bed in the morning. You get so good at the show that you don’t even think about it your just doing it. It isn’t something that you stop when people aren’t around. You still have the kids there you can’t say  the things you want to say or how you really feel in front of them either. Before you know it you have isolated yourself, you aren’t going out to see friends or take the kids places. You dread going the places you do have to go or getting up in the morning and even being out of the bed. Besides if you are in bed you aren’t preforming you are just resting. But that too has a effect on the kids so you struggle to do what you have to do to get by and try not to effect the kids. But it dose you know it dose all of it effects them no matter how hard you try to act like things are ok.

It is one thing to want that affection, the interaction and elements of a true loving relationship and not having it. But it is worse on a whole different level when you don’t have it and you are living with the one person in this world that you once had that with and you thought you would have that with the rest of your life. having to live with that person who is supposed to give you those things and care about you but who has hurt you so bad and treated you the way they have to the point that you no longer have that. You can’t go to them and talk, or just sit, you can’t go to them and give them a hug or lay down at night and fall a sleep together. To know that they are fine with the way things are and are just happy to be living this way because they don’t want the divorce so anything thing is better than nothing and they will do whatever it takes to keep you here no matter how it effects you or you feel. Everything else I could live with and deal with but living like this with him in the house is really starting to take it’s toll on me, emotionally and physically. I just feel drained.

et cetera
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