{February 10, 2020}   Finally Another Beach Night

Saturday Bff called and said she was going out so I went with her. We picked up JW and went to a pool hall over on the Island. We got there it was packed and none of us really wanted to stay. We left and was going to go to Apple bee’s or this other little place I go sometimes. I wasn’t really in the mood to be out around people. I said lets go to the beach. We can get some drinks and take out there walk or just sit and talk. We decided to do that.

Then she was talking to a friend she hadn’t seen in a while and he decides to go with us. We went back and picked him up and got stuff to drink. We went to the pier where I always go and some lady told her they were closed. I tried to tell her we park their all the time it did not matter she was scared and left. We ended up about 6 blocks or more down and parked. We all walked out there started walking down the beach. Next thing I know we look behind us they aren’t there. They had sat down somewhere. We kept walking for a ways and decided we were ready so we turned around to find them.

We sat and talked for a while once we found them then in a bit they got up and started walking again. I was like wait I want to go back to the truck give us the keys. She wouldn’t said we would leave her or what we would do in her truck or something. I said I am tipsy I am not driving and he can’t either. By then they were away from us.

I had to go to the bathroom and decided we were going to walk up this walk off the beach to see if there was a store or something around. We got over the walk and there was the bar. I said we found a bar and a nice big truck. JW laughed said you and your big trucks. I said yep like my trucks. Lets take that one for a ride joking.

The way the bar is set up it different since it is right there by the beach. Its long two sides then all open on the end you walk the length you come in the front walk straight out the back or vs versa. Most of it you are sitting outside. I said lets walk around to the front and come in because it was crawled in the back and all through the place. I really had to go and did not see the bathroom from where we were. We walked around he had one of the beers we had with is open drinking it. I said they are going to make you get rid of that.

We got to the front there were bikes parked there a group of bikers and the bouncer standing around. I knew they were going to stop him I stepped through them walked in amd straight to the bathroom that was right there by the door. As I walked into the bathroom I heard the bouncer say something to him about his drink. I thought yep knew it. He going to be standing outside or arguing with this bouncer when I get back out there. I come out look around he is standing in the bar watching the fight no drink. He come over we walked out. I said what happen? What did he say about your drink? JW said he told me no drinks outside the bar I had to stay inside with it, I said yes I understand walked in with it and finished it so we could leave. He thought we had just come around the building from outback drinking.

After that we walked back down to the beach and started walking back toward where we had parked. Anyone that has been to the beach knows that if you park walk down the beach it is hard enough to find where you came down at if you walk to far down but if you come up on the street and try to walk back you may never find your car. In the dark you may as well forget it. That is why I park at the pier and walk down. I know when I get back to the pier I am where I need to be. Anyway Saturday when we first got down on the beach I stopped was looking back at the walk, the buildings everything around. He said what are you doing? I said looking around. I was looking to see something that would make me remember where we came down and parked. Off we went down the beach. We got back to where we came down and walked up the boardwalk, he was asking if I was sure that was where we came up. We walked up on the walk stood there talking for a bit and he walked down to see if the truck was there. It was he came back. I thought we were going back to the tuck. I started walking toward the truck and thought he was behind me. I guess he went to tell them we found the truck I started walking because I figured they were who knows how far down and I was just in my moods to walk. I walked up to the street and started walking. About the time I got down to the pier he was calling me asking where I was at. I told him and I kept walking. He said they were coming to get me I told them I was walking up to my old job to go to the bathroom again. They were telling me no stay there everything. I told them I crossed A1A and was almost at my old job but they were closed. By that time they were there. We went up to the little store and then to get something to eat. Her and her friend took us to his place and dropped us off. I stayed there for the night.

Saturday was 5 years since my dad passed and I was already not in the greatest moods. Feeling really depressed and then the kids decided that they were going to fight like hell all day. I Tried to take them out and got pissed off and took them home and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed. I took Little Bitty to bed and made her go to sleep before I left because she was the main cause of all the fighting. Then I left. Bff was going to pick me up and I decided to leave take my car. I called her and told her to meet me at his house instead. If I wanted then I could stay there and would have my car. The mood I was in I was not going to drink at all because I knew it would turn out bad.

I ended up laying in the back seat in his lap and crying. Bff said I was telling them they knew not to let me drink. That when we got back to his place she thought I made him man and he was going to leave me and I was going to have to go home with her that night. I guess me and her friend was talking about relationships, sex, and things like that. Her friend said something about going in and being with him, I guess I said I didn’t want to do him. I didn’t mean it that way, I just meant that we had talked about it and wasn’t rushing into things and the mood I was in I didn’t want to be with him like that. I want that to be when I am in a better mood we are both into it. She said at some point around there he kind of put his hands up and walked away to the house. I told her I didn’t think he was mad that everything seemed find when I had left that morning.

We talked a while before I left and I told him I was sorry and things. That I knew it was a bad time that I shouldn’t have drank. He was just like no big deal, it was fine, I didn’t do anything wrong, they been there, he understood. That I wasn’t going to get rid of him that easy. I had a lot on my plate and to deal with and he just wanted to help me with that and that we all need a break sometimes, that it wasn’t that much of one but he hoped it was something. That is was so nice to fall a sleep together and wake up together and that he was happy.

I love him I feel bad that things turned out the way they did. I was going to get one drank and drink that was it. Then they didn’t have it and we ended up with a 6 pack. I ended up drinking most of it. I drank it to fast as well. It hit me hard.

I told Bff that last year about this time was my bad moonshine night. But that at least Saturday wasn’t near as bad as last year when all that happen. That hey I didn’t scare this one off. Maybe he is a keeper and plans to stick around.

I swear at this point no more drinking this time of the year at all. I know when I should drink and when I shouldn’t just like I didn’t drink New Years eve because I knew I wasn’t in the right place mentally and that it would end up pretty bad. I was already depressed and mad that night too. I told her we needed another night like my birthday a few years ago. When we are all in a good mood and just have a good time.

{January 2, 2020}   New Years Eve

How was your New Year’s eve? Mine was alright I guess. I went out with J.W., he was at his friends house that is two houses away from mine. I can stand in their yard and see mine. It was alright, I was feeling very torn and guilty. I got the whole I shouldn’t be going out blah blah bad mom and all that went along with it. I got over there and there were a ton of teens hanging out and running around, didn’t make things any better. I hate to hangout with others kids on nights like that and when I don’t have mine with me. Being with a house full of people I don’t know didn’t help. By the time I got out of the house and went to meet him I was already not in a good mood and not in the mood to drink. I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t be good and I didn’t want to be stuck at these peoples house or to go home and I didn’t want to drink like that just meeting these people. But I wanted to drink. I just hung out and once midnight hit I left. I had told J.W I wanted to leave before midnight but he didn’t want me to go. He wanted to go but wanted to hangout there until midnight. It was like 10:30. We stood outside and talked for a long time. Once it got close to midnight we went inside and watched the ball drop and left shortly after that.

I wanted one of those lantern things that you light and it floats away to take to the beach. I went to about three stores and couldn’t find one. We ended up just going out to the beach and walking down the beach and talking. We walked a lot further down than we had the other night. But the other night it started raining. The kids started calling new years and I told them I would be home in a while. We looked and seen how far we had made it and decided to turn around and go back. He wanted to stop and get something to eat on the way home so we did that. I did not think it would take near as long as it did but it took forever even though they weren’t busy. I didn’t get home until after 3.

Over all it was a decent night. I just wish things hadn’t worked out the way they did and I was able to be in a better mood. I messaged him later and told him again I was sorry I just had a lot going on torn and then dealing with things. This time of the year is a really hard time and then to have the holidays and trying to do all that it don’t help.

How was your New Years Eve?

{June 25, 2016}   Contaminated Water

As I said in my other post My New Hobby I bought a fish tank a couple days ago. Well my plant started to look bad it is turning brown and yellow all over all of a sudden today. I tested the water everything is pretty good but the ammonia is high. I put the prime in to take care of it and tonight it is just as high or higher. I read it said I need to do a water change of about 20% every few days until I get it to 0. I don’t know why but something said test my water before I did all that. I tested the tap water and it is high in it as well. It tested as high or higher than the water in the tank. So what am I going to accomplish by doing a 20% water change? I ended up going to get gallons of spring water and put 18 gallons in and it did nothing. I am hoping that it just needs more time to cycle through and mix since I did it not long after putting it in. I also put more prime in to get it out.

I got to thinking about it all and I then tested my tank in the other room that has no pump a fish, plant and some snails living in it to see how it tested out. It has not been cleaned or anything in at least a week maybe more. This was my test results. The first one is the fish tank and the second is my tap water.


The tap water is full of ammonia. A big thing came out about a month ago that the water company has been hiding stuff and the water had unsafe levels of stuff in it that could cause cancer and things. They say it is stuff the put in the water to treat it. I guess now they use ammonia and chloride of some type. I didn’t think you were supposed to mix the two but who knows. They say that when you leave it sit out over night everything dissolves out of it. I left some sit out over night and retested and it was just as green as before I put it there. They also say that if you get a filter it filters it out. I assumed that if this has been found out about and they are in trouble and being fined over it then they are fixing it. If they have just put to much of something in then they should be able to lower it and get it right and by now it should be fixed. But then talking with others I guess they haven’t and aren’t doing anything as of yet to fix it and it seems that it has gotten worse since not better. I been saying for a while now the tea taste funny and what they did different to it and things. Then I started noticing that when I drink it my mouth feels funny and kind of numb. The therapist said she researched it and it is bad to drink but even worse to bath or swim in. You shouldn’t have it in contact with your skin. So now I have to buy filters for the house because after seeing this I know they aren’t doing anything and probably won’t.

{May 4, 2015}   Haven’t Drank

I have to say as hard as the last 5 months have been, I haven’t drank other than that one time back 3 months when A Good Friend, came over. I haven’t even had to Fight The Urges in a while. I thought of it the other day. How much better I have been feeling the last few weeks to month. I don’t feel like I am on that Down Ward Spiral .  I still have my down days but they aren’t as bad as they where or have been. My biggest thing now is back to not sleeping. I think it is more the stress of everything going on with father of the year. Him not helping rushing to find a job so I can pay the bills.

The stress of the house and trying to get it back under control. The office called Friday and said someone called code enforcement on us and they gave us 10 days to get everything cleaned up but that 10 days was up today. We got the truck out of here Saturday finally and yesterday father of the year mowed the yard. I told him he needed to come do it since he wasn’t helping me pay anything and I didn’t have money to pay someone. It is to keep his kids a place and to keep it safe for his kids too. We cleaned all the mess off the carport. It isn’t to great most of it just got put in the room outside. But it is out of the way and the carport and yard is cleaned up. We tossed out a bunch of junk that has needed to be tossed. Lot of it was to big for me to pick up and I had asked him and told him we were going to get in trouble for it being there he say later and not do it.

I have to work on getting our school room together this week. We need to get school worked picked and bough for the year as well. Then we are going to get started on 4 and 7t h grade I think.

I forgot the lady from the office said she was coming to take a picture so she could send the owner and things. I talk to her earlier and told her I was sorry things were out there I was going to have a yard sale but I just hadn’t been able to really do much with everything that has happen that I just the last few weeks felt like I could function again half way normal. I got half way to the college and thought of her coming so I called her back. She said no I didn’t have to be here I asked her if she needed inside because of the dogs. She said no they aren’t complaining about the inside they aren’t looking in your windows thank goodness. I said oh the guy across the street dose. He seems to like what he can see at night. She said oh my that is creepy. I said yes we are trying to catch him. Got to love Peeping Tom.

I am going to need things more put together around here if I go back to school so that it is easier to keep on top of.

But I am just so glad it feels like the black cloud has lifted and I don’t have to fight the urges to drink or do other stupid things. That I didn’t get worse than just that one night.

{February 5, 2015}   Fighting The Urges

I have to say today has been a really trying day. I have had every thought that could go through your mind go through it. I just want to stop feeing so miserable and depressed. I have been fighting the urge to drink since around 11 am. I’m sitting here now thinking how good a drink and a cigarettes would be right now.

I can fight my demons and keep them under control most the time but lately it is hard because I just don’t want to feel any more. I just don’t want to care, or worry. It isn’t even so much that I don’t want to care of course I care. I just don’t want to feel any more. It would be so much easier to care without feeling. IMG_19953580902343It isn’t the caring that goes a way if I do drink or eat because I have wanted to do that too. But I feel so sick when I do. It’s the feelings that go a way or become  tolerable. But I know it isn’t going to do anything because everything is still here and I’ll be sober in a few hours and everything will come flooding back. But I am starting not to care even the temporary fix is better than none.

I think this is going to be very hard and I am going to go through a lot and shown a lot the next year or so. I had gone through life avoiding a lot of things that others I know have went through. But it seems that it comes back to haunt me and make sure I go through it as well just at a later time in life than everyone else. I feel this is going to be one of them moments. I really don’t know why life has been this way, like I said before I don’t know what I have done but I’m paying dearly and looks as if I will keep paying for sometime to come.

et cetera
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