{August 8, 2019}   I Have Become A………

Stress eater, since I am not home and stuck at work sitting at a desk all day and night I can’t sleep when I am depressed or stressed out. It hit me today I am now eating to replace the not being able to sleep.

That as you can see is the XL candy bar I sat here and ate yesterday while stressing about everything.

Today I had to go to the social security office before work, that didn’t go over well. Not the news I wanted to hear or went there to even get really. While waiting on them to sort things out and wait for someone to come over and help the guy that was helping me I ended up being late for work. Why not be later and stop and get food. I didn’t really want food I wanted coffee. But I didn’t even feel like getting out of the car to get coffee so I went though the drive through. I don’t like their coffee I was going to get tea. Then I seen the other places on the other side of the parking lot and figured what the hell may as well get a milkshake. Why your at it make it a large too.

That turned in to two roast-beef sliders and curly fries to go with it. All I have left is the shake and I feel sick because I wasn’t even hungry hardly ever eat this early and nothing like that. Now I just want to curl up and go to sleep and I have to make phone calls find the guys work and just be awake because I’m at work. I slept better last night than I had in a while but it was still hard to get up and I am still so tired.

{November 10, 2018}   Raising Hell Again

She has been at it again. I work up Thursday with her arguing with Big Boy. Then come in my room yelling at me that I better do something with him how he talks to her and blah, blah on and on. I just told her not to come in there and start with me and start yelling at me and she got all mad she wasn’t yelling him this and that. I said you started on him, your minding his business and yelling at him. No I’m not she screams, that she is going to call the police because of him yelling at her and slamming doors. I said there is nothing they are going to do. Yes there is he can’t just do that you need to teach him better. I said it’s funny your the only one he dose it with. Because you don’t make him do anything I am the only one that does. I said I don’t have to make him do anything I tell him and he does it or better yet I ask him then if he don’t I tell him. I don’t scream yell, and tell him what he better do and that he better do it right now this way and stand over him why he does it. I said you have no reason to be telling him to do anything or to be yelling at him and doing what you are doing and if you were at anyone else house you wouldn’t be with their kids either you aren’t here and if you do and he talks to you that way that is on you. You have no say. Then she starts about when she calls the police they will make me do something with him blah blah bullshit. I said whatever your crazy and you may just get to see who see’s what if you want to do that and try to cause problems here. I already told you I will bring down anyone and everyone if you even try to start shit for me. I am not worried because I know I have done nothing wrong and there is nothing anyone is going to do or say because there is nothing wrong. But I know that the rest can’t say that.

I get home after working both jobs and go to bed, with in hours I am woke up with her raising hell with my oldest. All over one of them cleaned up from the dog being sick hours earlier then they went out just then and put the clothes in the drier out of the washer. Mind  you they had washed probably a million times since they cleaned it up they used paper towels, they have been to the bathroom so had to wash their hands eaten dinner washed their hands before and after so their hands were more than clean. It had been HOURS. But she is freaking out they need put back in the washer and rinsed. What good is rinsing them going to do if they have something on them from when they did this I do not know. If they are dirty from this like you say then I would think they would need to be rewashed to get them cleaned. But she is raising hell she had better go take them out put them in the washer and rinse them right this minute. Again I tell her they are fine they don’t need done to leave her alone and stop raising hell in my house. She starts about how dirty it is and how she don’t want to catch something from what they just did because she has to wash her clothes out there too. How she has this horrible infection on her face now and can’t get rid of it. Looks like pimples to me and it comes and goes like pimples and it is so horrible she has never once tried to go to the doctor about it to see what it is. If it is something so horrible and she caught it from drying her clothes in the drier, touching things in the house or just being in the house like she says then why hasn’t some of the rest of us caught it? We are so filthy and dirty like she say, and how did she catch it when she washes her hands for 20 minutes every time she touches something? We wash like normal people and we are not sick and don’t have anything wrong.

Last night she starts about eating she hasn’t eaten in days hardly. I don’t know how many days it has been but it is not my problem. She is a grown adult with a truck and knows other people besides me to do for her. I have been in and out of the house every day and to the store about everyday and she always says she don’t want anything or makes and excuse. Don’t know what it was the other night she didn’t get anything. Then last night she ask me to stop on my way home and get her something from the chicken place. This after I told her I was not going to go to the store for her anymore at all in the middle of the night when I was woke up because of her raising hell over the washer. I say okay but by the time I get there they are closed. I figure she should know this she sits at home on her computer looking these places up trying to decide what she wants and from where. Then she says well where else is there? I say such and such back across town where I just came from and that is about it that I know of. She says forget it she guess she don’t want anything. I ask if she wants something from there or not I am over there not going back. She won’t even get on the phone that is fine with me but it is aggravating. She tells oldest no tell me forget it she didn’t want anything it has been days now but she don’t know where there is to get as late as it is, something about me going to work and everything. Like I am supposed to be there at her call to get her something. She then waits until she knows I am over the bridges and about home to call me and say something. I told her just that I was already almost home now. She started about me saying something about it being back across town and not wanting to go. I said I also ask what you wanted before I got this far so I could go back then. You ask for stuff from places knowing what time it is and don’t bother to see if they are open or how late they are going to be open no I don’t want to run back and forth across town when you could check and I could go to one place and not backtrack ten times. Well whatever I guess I will go. I said okay bye and hung up. I was not going back across two towns to get her food and coming back again at that point. I picked oldest up to go to the store ask if she wanted something from there. They have cold subs and things if your hungry you will get something. but she can’t eat them they had a recall on something that is on them them months ago so they are contaminated. She can’t cook in the microwave because it is contaminated even though it has been bleached out a zillion times. The kitchen has been bleached down I don’t know how many times but it isn’t fit for her to cook in. Then I guess she will be hungry. It isn’t good enough for her because it isn’t bleached down every night. We cook we eat we use our kitchen we wipe it down every night to get the stuff up. Sometimes oldest don’t and I have to get her to when I get home but it isn’t like it is so dirty you can’t cook in it.

I got home talked with the kids a bit and went to bed. In a little while I hear her in there telling oldest something. Then I hear her say if I pass out and don’t come to before someone gets here to help tell them I haven’t been able to eat for days now or hardly eat in days my sugar levels are probably rock bottom low that is what is wrong with me. Something about drinking a soda or something to help keep it up there some. She was just like oh okay she stomped off went back to the bedroom. I didn’t say anything or even go out there. I’m not playing her game. I do not care if she sits there and don’t eat for a month if she gets sick and has to call them to come and get her and she can tell them all she wants that she hasn’t eaten. They are going to look at her and go is that your truck out there? Is that your phone? Have they been to the store and could of picked you something up? You are able to get up walk around. You could of gotten in your truck and went to get something, you could of called one of your other kids to come bring you something or to take you to get something. You really feel that you are being mistreated you could of called us before now. Just to much that she can try to say what she wants and try to get something started anyway she can there are to many holes in her her tries it is laughable. Plus every doctor she has been to has commented on her mental state or her mental health and she told me the other day they have in her records before that she denies an eating disorder so whatever she was to try and pull would just re enforce what they already think about her not reflect on me. It will probably help me get her out of my house as well.

I try not to fight with her and just ignore her but when she starts on the kids and things I can’t not say anything. If she don’t eat or whatever it isn’t my problem. But when it comes to them I have to step in at times. We all 5 have talked about it and how she has a mental illness and that unless she gets help for it she is going to be this way. That it is on her not us and that we can’t force her to get help but that we do have to sit back and let her treat us the way she is. Ignore her for the most part but when she gets like she does demanding, yelling and screaming you can’t just give in and do what she wants when there is no reason for it.

It is sad that people walk around this way and there is nothing that you can do to make them get help. But then there is that fine line of how much can you make someone do before it is taking their rights away. But if they are ill like this and not thinking right and living an unhappy life should we not step in? She knows something is wrong but she don’t think this not buying, cooking or eating food in the house is because of whatever is wrong, she don’t think that needing to rinse things because of germs is normal and we are all the one with the problem. She knows everything and all that. So I guess if she wants to live in a bubble and be unhappy the rest of her life she can do it because once she is out of my house I am not going to be around her anyway. I know I have mental health problems but mine don’t affect others I live unhappy and miserable and deal if I don’t or can’t take my meds. If or when it starts affecting others then I do something about it. She just looks at it as everyone else has the problem and she is fine nothing at all wrong with her. But she is the one that no one at all wants to or will help. The one that don’t really have friends and who don’t leave the house or have anything. She just can’t seem to see this. Oh well it is her life she just needs to get out of my house and forget who me and my kids are and leave us alone to live our lives and hope that her other kids step up and help her or she figures out how to do it herself since there is nothing wrong with her and it is everyone else. Guess I better go reset these rooms and get ready for these groups getting ready to come in.


With not being around the last few days and then dumping a few post back to back just about. I do not remember if I told you all that as of Monday I have lost 7 lbs in just over a week. I maybe down more today but I have not checked. I don’t check often. But I know I checked last week and then Monday at my friends her scale was sitting there so I figured why not?

I am now below 160 lbs. I am very happy. I want to be back at 120/130lbs. I will probably wait until Froday or the weekend to check again. I really haven’t been trying to lose it and had gained some back. But being back at work and back to eating more normal for me has made a huge difference. Because when I am working I eat once a day. And not as much as I do when I am home.

{May 9, 2017}   The Worse Part of it All

I think the worse part of everything that has happened here the last week or so is the fact that I now have to go help my mom and take her everywhere when she needs to go. Friday and Sunday I went to take her to the store it should have been a hour or so trip, not with her we got home well after midnight the first night and after 2 am Sunday night. Mind you I left my house at 7 and she is about 10 minutes away. Her OCD is still over the top, I had not been in her house in a while, she has nothing but her coffee and end tables a plastic table with her laptop on it an some other table with her tv in it. She has an office chair to sit in and no one is allowed to touch it or anything else in the house. She won’t touch her key or lock her door. My truck is dirty because my dog laid on the seat and floor and then was in a box in the back once she passed. She can’t open the doors to get in and out someone has to open and close them for her, she can’t put her bags of whatever she gets in the truck because of it, she only gets what will fit in two brown bags and holds them on her lap. Her floors at home are just filthy to hear her talk about them all from stuff no one else would think twice of. Last night after we go shopping she dropped on bag in the floor so she gave it to me and refused to use the stuff because it is so nasty and dirty and she just won’t be able to eat it now it will just rot she isn’t putting it in her fridge with the rest of her food. .

We ended up going out to dinner because she wanted to and she paid for it, I didn’t really want to but it was just so late at that point I didn’t really care I wasn’t coming home to cook. I couldn’t put my stuff in her fridge because it sat in my truck. I had to go out of the way past where we were going to drop it off at home then go all the way back to where we were going. Never can I go there and just go to one place I have to go to ten before she is done. We can’t go to the store that is two minutes from her house we have to go to the one that is like 10 minutes from her house because the other one is to dirty. But then she has to get baskets and stick in the cart at this one the same as she would the other one because their carts are to dirty. She goes on and on about the kids and what they touch or I put my food in the buggy without getting a basket to put in it first. She goes on and on about them not having their shots and everything else. I am so over it and tired of it already and we have only went three times I think. She never can go in the day time it’s always 6 or 7 at night when she calls and needs to go. Then I can’t really tell her no because she don’t shop and has little to no food in the house. If you say something she starts about not eating and she guess she just won’t eat tonight again and how she has nothing to drink. She talks about how she only eats once a day if that most days. It isn’t because she can’t get food it is because she don’t get food or only gets stuff that is ready to eat so then she don’t have stuff for other days. She won’t cook right now hasn’t in I don’t know when she talks about how it’s father of the years fault and things. He keeps everything so dirty. He is in ways dirty but he is always cleaning if you leave him alone and let him clean not try tell him how to do it or aggravate him. But then she wants to tell you how to do everything thing and you have to do it just how and when she says so no one wants to help her.

Again my favorite thing she started about how horrible he was to live with and how abusive he is and things. Rather you know it or not this and that is abuse and I’m not his wife or girlfriend I don’t have to be done that way and put up with it. How he made her this way now with the OCD because she has post traumatic stress from being with her other ex’s my dad, my sisters dad and her ex she just divorced. Well that isn’t my fault sorry but she had problems then as well and when I was with him he was Mr. Great and I needed to stay with him, I needed to get back with him give the baby his name and let him be on her birth certificate. It was okay for me to put up with it, live with it, walk on eggshells all the time and my kids to live with it, but it isn’t okay when it is her. Telling me how this and that is abuse like I don’t know. Then I say something about why I left him and how I know how he is and things she says well you didn’t tell anyone what was going on or what happen so no one knew. I’m sorry I didn’t know in order for my family to not take his side and to not treat me like the outcast because I left my husband and got a divorce even though many of them have done the same thing, I had to go into all the details and tell all of my personal business. Where does the since come in here, I don’t care if my kids tell me nothing that happens between them and their spouse. If they come to me out of the blue one day and say mom we are getting a divorce I have been thinking about this for a long time my mine is made up, you can bet I am going to be there and support my child. I am not going to in brace their spouse and tell them it is okay it’s a phase, I am not going to invite them to every family get together and treat them like they are my child and turn mine away or leave them out when they say they do not want them there. I am not going to treat whoever they get with next like they are no body and do not matter. I am going to be there to help them support them make sure they are okay. It don’t matter how much or how little they decide to tell me or ever tell me. I will not treat their ex’s like dirt or anything like that not knowing what went on but they will not be treated like Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful.

Between that and then her always wanting to bring up what they just did, what a jam they have left everyone in, how he isn’t calling or seeing the kids, how he left everything and anything else she can think of to talk about the two of them I just don’t want to be around them. Sure it just happen but you know what I am over it, I am over being pissed off at her or him, I am over wanting to hear about either of the two and what they done. All I am mad about is the fact that he is doing his kids this way, I am out of the rest of it and could really careless. I don’t know if you can say I am fine with it or I am at peace with it or that I don’t care I don’t feel any of those things. I feel a little numb I guess or indifferent I don’t know how to explain it, I just don’t want to hear about it or talk about it anymore. They have done what they done and now I have to do what I have to do to keep moving on and moving forward. That is all I am really worried about not why or how we ended up here or what is going on. Because really nothing is going on so there is nothing to do with them I have to deal with other than court stuff with him that is all fine it is stuff that has been a long time coming I just been busy with school and things to do it. She just wants to talk about it and talk about it this and that about it, what they are doing where they are them not being able to find a place or what ever. I don’t care, now call his parents tell them what he did maybe they will help me. His parents do not care, his parents never have and never will and if he has talked to them he has told them he has paid me and whatever i say is a lie. Now it is call his job leave a message and do this or that. That I need to go get the paper work and file it and all this. I know I do I have to do that tomorrow. She wants to me to come get her do all this stuff tomorrow why kids are at school but you know when she tells me about an hour ago. Well I have plans with a friend to take them some places and to stop and do the things I need to do like print all these papers out and send my books and go to the job place. They need to go get an id and go to the job place.

But if I tell her I plan to do this with this person it will be why am I going with them and taking them place? Now my truck is going to be messed up even worse she can’t even ride in it because of this and that. How I am just leaving her hanging. When I should have been able to do all this today had I not gotten home so late and the kids had went to school this morning. Or I could have taken her today and done this all tomorrow if I we had not gotten home so late the kids had went to school and she had gotten up. She says to wake her up after I drop the kids at school. Why after I drop them? I drop the last two at 9 and then I am ready to go do what I need to do. So then she should be up when we get up getting ready and then I should be picking her up a little after 9 so we can go to the bank and the store. But she won’t she will get up at 9 maybe. Most likely she won’t get up until hours later. If she gets up at 9 she will not be ready for hours more at least two. Then when I get there she still will take another 30 minutes or more before she will get in the truck to go anywhere. But when I tell her I have other stuff to do let me know when she is ready she won’t do that either, she will get pissed off not get ready not go and then say she didn’t get anything done because I was busy doing other stuff and didn’t do what I said I was going too. If I wait do nothing she won’t go anyway. I will be done in time to pick the older two kids up at 3 and will have a couple hours before I have to pick the two little ones up. I will go to take her to the store then and if she wants to go to the store and bank then fine if not then I can’t help it because once I pick the little two up I am going to come home for the night. She has money in her pocket then she can order something and have it brought to her. If she don’t want that then I guess she will do without.

She keeps throwing in my face she took care of me when I was so sick and when I was like that. I wasn’t driving everyone crazy with everything had to be bleached down and spotless. I just didn’t leave he house and didn’t want to be around people. Truth be told I was that way because of her then, she was sick and there was all kinds of things going on and I had to take care of everything and my sister and brother and going to school and worrying about what she was doing why I was there. If she would have straighten up then and done better maybe I wouldn’t have gotten that way then. I couldn’t go get something and take for it and she wouldn’t let me take anything to help feel better or get me through it whatever you want to say. Now I know I have my problems I either keep them under control and if I can’t then I go get something and take for it so that it is. I do not bother anyone else with my problems or expect them to take care of me. I go  see someone a couple times a month and I take my pill. I don’t expect her to do anything for me she couldn’t if I needed her to.

Then she keeps telling me how I need to come over there and how much better her place is and why she can’t come to mine and how bad it is. How if I came there we could pay the rent between us until we got money again and then be okay. I think that is why she borrowed money to pay it the next two months because she knew I could pay mine this month and figures maybe next but by the following I won’t be able to and I will have no where to go but to come there. Then I can pay it there. Well I got news for her I will not lose my place and if I do I will not be staying here. I just won’t I am not starting over here again. I have not told her that because then it would be how i can’t do what I plan to do if it came down to it and all that. How I am leaving her. She rather see me lose my place that is more than big enough for all of us and her to come here and end up in her little to two bedroom place with nothing of ours kids lose all their pets and everything just so she can have all the control and say even though I will be paying part of the rent and the rest of the bills and have nothing there. So I can cook and clean at her biking call it isn’t going to happen again.


Today’s challenge was to post something I ate today. I got to thinking about it and this is all I have eaten today two slices of peperoni pizza. I don’t know why I hadn’t eaten anything else today but I don’t eat much most days. I don’t feel hungry and nothing sounds good. I get busy and just don’t even think about it most the time until I am making dinner. It isn’t looking very good right now but it was before it sat forever and got cold.

et cetera
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