{February 10, 2020}   Your Emotional Support

When I went on my walk why they were deciding when they were going to get ready and leave the other night I messaged my Good Friend. I said a few things he said right away are you thinking about your dad? We started talking from there.

In a minute he asked me where my guy was?

I told him I was at the beach.

He said Yes but you are obviously emotional, shouldn’t he be your emotional support?

I told him I was about a 6 pack in and he made a joke and I told him he was looking for the others I guess because he was gone. That I was walking.

He said he guess he should be flattered that I get emotional and contact him.

I told him he was one of my oldest and closest friends. That I could tell him everything and anything and not be judged and he knew how it was.

He joked and said he was just along until I let him hit that and laughed. Said I gave him to much credit.

I said a few things to him he laughed.

I told him he knew I loved him and not because I was drunk.

He said I knew he loved me too or he wouldn’t put up with my crazy ass.

I laughed and told him I knew that.

He said to take him a picture of me on the beach. I told him at that point I was walking down some street.

He said damn you and your late night drunken street walking and that I better be wearing shoes this time. That at least I had someone else to rescue me this time because he wasn’t saying no again.

I told him I felt sick.

He asked if I had eaten. I told him not since about 5.

He told me I should know better than told me but that’s you in a nutshell. Always know better but don’t listen to yourself.

I told him I didn’t care anymore that not one cared.

He said I think you no better or you wouldn’t message me.

I told him he was probably the only one.

He said it is a shame you never really let me love you sent the little kiss face.

I said you always had someone.

He said not always just most.

I told him we never didn’t have someone at the same time.

He said sometimes you just have to break the rules to  really experience life.

We went down that road a little bit and talked then I forgot about him once we got inside. I had to go to the bathroom wanted to get a drink and got ready for bed and laid down. Then I thought of it I got the phone I told him I was going to bed, good night love him. he said you too.

I told JW we talk and that he was my one person that I went to about everything. Because he said something a few days ago about Bff being my one person I told everything to and talk to about everything. I told him no that I didn’t tell her a lot of things or talk to her about somethings. I had someone else and then we got off onto something else and never got around to who it was. I told him that night we were talking. I told him yeah I had known him about as long as me and him knew each other that he was my one go to person. That I did love him in a always there friend kind of way but that was it that we said whatever to each other I wasn’t interested in anything more than friends. That he has tried and tries but there really isn’t anything between us. He said he knew and understood that he had that one friend too. That he talked to him about everything that he was happy we were together or something like that. I kind of fell a sleep. But it didn’t bother him.

{January 15, 2020}   Back to Back Court Dates

Today I was bored and nothing was going on so I decided to check child support site. I checked my case with RC and it said they issued a court date yesterday.

I looked on their site and it didn’t show. I went to the clerk of courts and it did not come up on there either. The one for father of the year still is not showing up either. I have not received a letter for it.

I went back to the child support case and clicked to chat with someone there. After a million tries I was finally able to. They were kind of rude but finally said court was at 12 in the north court house. We have to be there on 3/2.

I was a little confused because these cases are held in the South court house. But then I remembered that this case has to go infront of the judge to start with because of the DNA and all that. So I guess they handle it in the north court house. I am sure it will end up in the South once it is all done.

The north court house is much closer and easier to get to so I don’t mind. The South one is over 30 miles away and I have to be there at 8:30am. The drive sucks and takes forever with work and school traffic.

I am not worried about the one with RC. I am sure he will probably phone in since he is up there. But even if he wasn’t the thought of seeing him don’t bother me.

But I am dreadding the one with Father of the Year. I do not want to be around him or see him again. I hate that sick panic fight or flight feeling I had once he got there. I think my friend JW is going to go with me. We were talking about it today he said something about he hoped I didn’t feel that way this time or something. I said me too but I figure I will. I was going to ask my friend to go but I have not talk to him in a long time. I think he is mad at me. I said I will suck it up go and find a little spot between two people to sit. That’s what I done before.

He asked when it was I told him. He said he could go with me if I wanted him to. I told him he did not have too but it would be nice that I didn’t want him to get in trouble at work. He said he wouldn’t he wanted to go with me. I hope he can go. I really do not want to be there alone. I don’t know anyone else to ask to go with me. Bff said she would but she did last time then didn’t. She has to have kids to school and things as well I don’t know how she would go.

It’s really nice of him to offer to go with me seeing he has to miss work and pay to do it. I will pay him what he missed once I get the behind amount I’m owed. I know he don’t want it or expect it. But it means a lot to me and I want him to know.

I know it probably sounds stupid that I don’t want to go alone or that I want him to go with me. It’s court, but I can’t help the way I feel. I shouldn’t have to go do this and feel that way while trying to do it. I hardly ever well really never have anyone help me or with me as support. Sometimes we all need that emotional or moral support when we have been through things. Abuse is a huge thing to go through come out of and not have some issues from it. If this is the worst I need help with then I think I am doing really fucking good and proud of myself for working through the bulk of it. I was even considering asking my one boss from my day job to go with me. That is how bad I have been dreading it.

{July 30, 2018}   An Emotional Night

I don’t know what is wrong with me tonight. Its almost 11:30 pm and I have been fighting not to cry for an hour or more. I really don’t know why. I have been laying here on my bed in the dark for hours now .

I feel so down doom and gloom just came over me all of a sudden. My friend wanted me to come over tonight I didn’t even go over there. I just didn’t feel like it. But at the same time I feel so alone and like No one cares. I feel stupid for caring about anyone and thinking that they would care back. I feel I just feel like shit and don’t even care about life anymore. I can’t get things straightened out or done that I need to. I should be able to some with no problem but i just have no modivation to so I don’t. I am burnt out with work and have to force myself to go.

I don’t even know what to say im just so over and tired of everything. I want to call a few people and message a few and go see a few and just have my say or say what i want them to know. I am just in a very fuck everything kind of moods. Not in a good way. I feel like i am there for everyone but when i need them they are not around or dont care. I know its me probably and that they are dealing with their own shit. But it still hard not to take it personal. I just don’t know. I want to talk to someone but have no idea what i want to say. I want to be held and feel like im not doing this all alone but no matter what i am and probably always will be. I just want to run away from it all. Everything i just want to run as far away from it all as i can not look back not think twice .I wish i could walk around and just not feel anything or care about anything. Just live my life not know anything or remember anything. Now im laying here crying my eyes out and cant stop.

{May 14, 2017}   A Message

I have looked on my oldest account a few times to see if Father of the Year posted anything about moving or anything like that. I just look from my phone and go on. I would rather have him served at home than at his job, I know it should’t matter but I don’t like doing things at peoples jobs and don’t need him to lose his job.

Today I was sitting here at my computer and logged in to look figuring it is the weekend and he is off today maybe he say something about moving in a new place or something. I see she has a new messaged so I just pulled it down to see who it was from and see my mom had messaged her then there was one under that. I pulled it down a little more and see it was Father of the Year on May 6th. He says I love you kids, tell the other kids I love them and I hope to see you kids soon. It struck me as funny the way it was worded, that isn’t it word for word because the way he said it I can’t even remember it was so off. My oldest says oh okay tell him I love him too I guess. I said that’s all? She said yeah I don’t really feel anything about what he is doing.

I tell Big Boy he says oh I love him too, I miss daddy. He has told me and the therapist two days a week when we go since he left how he feels ab-banded, left, angry, sad, and a ton of other things. I said you don’t want to write him the letter you say you want to write since he will get it on here? No that’s all.

I tell my Big Guy he wrote her and what he said, he says I love him too I tell him he is the best daddy I ever had. This is the one with full blown panic and anxiety attacks over all this.

Maybe its wrong of me but I don’t tell him shit, I marked it as unread and logged out. They are free to log on and talk to him tell him whatever they want to tell him.

I am trying so very hard not to be mad or upset about it but I am. I don’t know what I am more mad and upset about, them acting as if he did nothing and we weren’t just sitting here trying to figure out how to keep the lights on and how to get food for the week. I don’t know if I am more mad at the fact that we talk all the time about not letting people treat you any way they want and say nothing about and put up with it. That it don’t matter if it is friend or related people don’t treat you any way they want and you are just say nothing. Just like the kids who put his hands on my oldest and she said and did nothing, it is no different your not a door mat, your not a punching bag, your feelings matter, your wants, needs, dreams matter. You are not here to make anyone happy but your self and your children if you have them and that isn’t even going to be an all the time thing. Once you are happy then everyone else should be happy for you.

I’m mad that he walks around and does this and acts like he can do whatever he wants to whoever he wants and no one says nothing to him at all. Everyone tells him how happy they are for him he found someone, everyone tells him how he should be happy. No one knows the truth no one knows what went down, no one knows how he treats his kids no one knows he don’t support his kids half the time, no one knows they sit here doing without worried if there is going to be lights tomorrow or food on the table this week. No one knows that they do because he skips paying for weeks or months at a time so I am spending my money to pay everything until it’s gone way sooner than it should be. Although he skips weeks and months at a time he pays it back a couple dollars here and a couple dollars there so we don’t do anything but almost float and can never get our money back in savings and have everything paid up on time in full. It pisses me off no one says anything to him and lets him walk around like he is the best father in the world and was the best husband and I’m just the bitch that left him and screwed him. For that matter I did not screw him in anyway, I gave him the house moved out of it and gave it to him and he lost that. I don’t say anything why he pays support on half what he is making to help him out and he can’t even pay that and screws everyone over in the end there too.

I am just pissed off that the kids say nothing. I am trying so very hard to not be mad at them and trying so hard to just have a good mothers day but after seeing that hearing that and everything else it is hard. I sat here and cried, yes the one who doesn’t cry according to everyone else. I know they are kids I know they do not understand I know that is their dad. If they had not said anything about anything that was going on and the one wasn’t having full blown anxiety over it all and they really didn’t have anything to say or feel anyway or the other would be one thing. But when they sit here tell me how mad they are and how hurt they are and upset they are and how him and Wanda done them but then say nothing he just says hey its me after weeks of blowing you off moving not giving you my address, changing my number and everything I’m back nothing happen.

I’m really not mad at them I am just pissed off the way he does. I am pissed off he just walks around does whatever the fuck he wants in life can have a life and pretends to be daddy when and if it fits his time. While I sit here busting my ass to make sure my kids have everything they need, get to do clubs and things and can’t ever have a few minutes just to catch my breath and if i ask or want to do something I’m told how its not right or how I should be with my kids. I am just tired and maybe I am wrong for feeling any of this and maybe its all me like everyone says I don’t know. I am just so done and so ready to throw in the towel and say forget it all. I want to be happy for a change not just happy we are barely surviving but truly happy and not have a worry in the world. I feel bad for saying that because I love my kids and would do anything for them. But like I said I am tired. I don’t need to dump my kids on someone else to be happy, I could be happy with my kids really. I am happy with my kids. I am just not happy about the way things are. If the court order was followed as it is supposed to be then I could be happy with life not just happy with my kid. I could be happy because I would have my part of things covered, I would know that their dad was stepping up to the plate and being daddy making sure he paid his part to make sure they had the things they needed and wanted. He would step up to the plate and take them on his weekends and I would have that chance to breath.

{April 1, 2015}   Emotional Today

Feeling very emotional today and really don’t know why. Been fighting not to cry all day. It’s funny because other than that I feel pretty good and ready to get things done.

{February 3, 2015}   A Good Friend

I don’t know what I was thinking last night. Me and the kids went got dinner and came home and I made it. Then I decided I wanted to have a drink so I got me some of them screwdriver things in the bottles why we were out. I grabbed a bottle of coke too I thought of the bottle of Jack we had. I had a jack and tea and jack and coke. I had a few shots why I was making my drinks. Then I decided to try the screwdrivers. They aren’t that good but they are better than regular beers. I can’t drink them at all. I text my friend about 8 or 9 to see what he was doing. Figured he was working but we talk off and on why he is at work at night a lot of times. He messaged me back about 11 we started talking. They been pretty busy at work.

I told him to come drink with me.

The first thing he said is where are you and what’s up?

He knows I hardly ever drink.

I told him I was at home.

He asked if father of the year was here? I told him been gone all day and was over 100 miles a way and who knew when he would be home if he got another call.

He then wanted to know if the kids where home and up. I told him yeah they were running around here playing me the baby were listening to music.

He said something about coming over and father of the year. I made a remark back. He said you are way drunk. I will be over in a little bit. The way he said he be over in a bit was like he dreaded the idea.  I said well shit you don’t have to you act like I got a gun to your head and forcing you to.

He said no just tired don’t feel like dealing with kids tonight. But I’m coming.

He had to deal with my kid when father of the year use to live with him and he had them for the weekend. My kids did not and still hardly listen to their dad because of the way he is. So it was ruff back then. We don’t see each other that much other than in the store here and there. He is busy works 3 jobs and our kids are so far apart in age. Not like we have a ton of chances to get together.

By the time he got here my little bitty had went got in her bed and was going to sleep and my little guy laid on the couch and went to sleep why me and him were outside.

He got here I went outside to sit and talk to him. I didn’t want the kids to hear all I was saying. They don’t need to know all that is going on. I got up and went to throw my bottle a way he got up to follow me in the dark to make sure I didn’t fall probably. We were standing there by my truck talking. He came over gave me a hug I just lost it. I started crying. I said something about father of the year and RC the way he did and my dad being so sick and things. I said I must be pretty fucking bad for everyone to do me the way they have and to treat me the way they do talk about me and everything. I said you know me I help anyone and do anything all that I can. Look how I get done in return. I said now my dad he is so sick. I said I must really be something else. I must have really fucked up somewhere or did something horrible in another life to be done this way now.

He was telling me no and not to say that and look where it was coming from that I knew better than that. He said RC I am partly at fault for that I feel horrible for it. We talked about him and other stuff.

We sat out there a little while longer he asked me wasn’t I cold. Surprisingly I wasn’t considering I was in short sleeves and thin pair of lounge pants. I said your cold we can go in but the place is a mess kids have been having a blast tonight. He said I don’t care what your house looks like I’m not here to inspect your house.

We went in sat down my big boy wanted to eat something so I let him do that and sent him to bed. Put my little guy in his bed. We were talking. I had a screwdriver and poured me a glass of coke when we came in and sat it on the table there by me. He looked at me said which one are you drinking. I said both but there is nothing in the coke. He said nothing at all. I said no its just coke. I had that dry cotton mouth I needed something to just drink. I said I hope I’m not hungover in the morning. I have never had a hangover but I never really drank like I did that night. When I do drink I always eat a big dinner and I drank water in between drinks or have a few then a bottle of water have a few more. I hadn’t drink any water and only ate a little frozen pizza for dinner.

That’s first thing he said was you need to drink some water. It don’t appear you have been because your really drunk. I said no I forgot to get any. I got up and got some water out of the tap and went back. I still had that cotton mouth feeling and my stomach felt so full. I tried to force some water down and it wasn’t a good outcome. I ran to the bathroom and got sick. I am surprised I didn’t puke more than I did. Most times I start I can’t stop. But I pretty much just puked up the water and coke I had tried to drank.

I went back and got the blanket my little guy had been using on the couch before he went to bed and sat down on the other couch beside him. Laid my head on his shoulder. He said don’t puke on me. I laughed assured him I wasn’t going to be sick any more. He don’t do puke. He is ocd hates to be dirty or nasty ha ha. I laid my head back on his shoulder he put his arm around me. I said man I can’t believe I drank so much, drank as long as I have been tonight. I never drank in front of my kids much less get drunk. I will have a mixed drank or two once in a while. Most the time after they go to bed. When me and RC was together I would have one while making dinner or something when he got home from work. He said that’s a big reason I came over here. He said I know you don’t just drank like that I knew your kids were here and up. He said I was worried about yall. Figured I would hang out until father of the year came home or at least get the kids to bed and make sure you were ok.

Didn’t seem like he been here long at all and father of the year came up. I think he thought he was going to get mad he was here He got up and sat on the side edge of the seat. I really didn’t care we weren’t doing anything wrong we were just talking. He has been my friend since we were in 3 rd grade. He really is like my brother. I have gone over and sat talked to him when he was going through stuff in the past.

That was Saturday night. Sunday he text me ask if I was ok and what I was doing. We talked off and on through the day. He text me Sunday evening asked what I was doing how I was. I told him I was out driving around. That I just had to get out of the house. I told him life be so much easier if we just didn’t care. He said yes in ways but not always a good thing. He said you know I acutely care about your  mental and emotional well being right? He said I doubt your doing very well. You didn’t do very well hiding it last night. I told him I’m not doing good. He said he was there if I needed to talk or anything. I told him thank you. I didn’t hear from him for a while I figured he fell asleep. One or the other will a lot of times when we are talking at night. Then he text me in a while asked if I made it home yet. I told him I been here about a 45 minutes. He said ok he was going to bed.

I don’t know what it was it was just nice to hear it from him and the fact he came over say 2 hours with me and talked when he could have went home to bed and to his wife and kids. It’s different than hearing it from anyone else. Everyone been texting and asking if I am ok and asking how my dad is and things. But I don’t know I don’t feel I can talk to them the way I can him and say the things to them that I can with him. I guess because of the way we grew up and how long we have known each other. We can say whatever and not feel we are being judged or talked about later. I love my other friends and they are great but I still feel that they know me one way they haven’t seen all that I have been through. If I say things or do something they are going to take it completely different than what it is. If that makes since.

Like I said to him anyone I get close to or start to care about it seems something happens. I find they are just there to see what they can find out or there for what you are willing to do for or give them. Or like others just there until something better comes along. To kick you when your down. Any more I am tired of trying to weed the real from the fake because there seems to be way more fake than real out there. It is easier to just play nice and keep things to myself. When they decide to walk a way or show their true colors there is less hurt involved.

And he just listens a lot of times I don’t try to fix it or make it better or say something to make me feel better. He just lets me get it out. Most others want to make it better or tell me what I need to do. I am doing all I can do I just need to vent sometimes. Because it don’t matter how much you can handle or bare we all need to just vent and have our weak moment with out someone trying to fix it, make it better, telling us what we need to do or telling us how strong we are and we need to just move on or keep moving. That is what he dose. He will talk and thing but its just different. He really is like family to me.

et cetera
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