This is to anyone out there that has children. I do not care if you have one or ten. If you were or were not married, abused, lived together or apart. It does not matter if they all have the same dad or different dads or the same mom or different moms.

Your children did not ask for you all to be their parents, they did not do anything to cause whatever happen between the two of you as partners to no longer be. They are just helpless inecent by standard’s sent her and told to love these two people and count on them for everything.

If something happens and you split up don’t let them ever feel it was because of them, or that there is/was something they could of done. I do not care how much you may hate eachother, what one did to caused this, or anything else. Never talk poorly about the other parent infront of or to your children, do not try to point out their flaws and imperfections. Because it just magnifies yours more than it shines light onto theirs.

If you have children that are from a broken relationship do everything you can to cultivate that relationship betwen your child/children and that other parent. Do not ever tell a child they can not see, talk to or spend time with their other parent. Do not put stipulations on their relationship, such as they can only talk to other parent x times a week on x days for z minutes at z time of day. If that child wants to talk to that other parent 5 or 10 times a day that is fine. Do not say they didn’t pay, they aren’t paying. It don’t matter it is still their parent. Handle that between the adults and keep the kids out of it. If the other parent can’t pay for some reason then they need to step up a little and help how they can in other ways. Until they can pay again.

Parents do not walk away from your children because you found a new boyfriend or girlfriend or because your mad at the other parent and do not want to have anything to do with them. You are the adults here suck it up and deal so you can see your children. Don’t walk buy them in public or ignore their phone calls or messages. Do not make empty promises be open and honest with them. They are more understanding and forgiving than you think, if you are open and honest from start. You can only make so many empty promises, lie, before they see right through you and will start to not believe anything you say.

Your children need their parents in their lives not just one but both. When one pushes the other our or one just walks out it damages them more than you will ever know. Keep the adult stuff between the adults and just be there for your child.

I know you feel it isn’t fair because no one knows what he/she did to you. What you have been through, or why you really split. The other one is lying this is what really happen, this is what they are doing, the kids need to know so……

No the kids do not need to know. You do not need to tell them mommy this or daddy that. They may do things you don’t like or things they shouldn’t. But kids are not stupid they maybe to little to see it right now but they will as they get older. Give that other parent the rope they will hang themselves. It may take a while but your kids will get their number and see it all. Even then it is not for you to interfere with. Let them handle it how they feel they want to handle it. That is still their other parent and that is still their relationship to form and let grow how they want with what they know.

Trust me I know how hard it is to sit back and say nothing when the other parent is playinf parent of the year and they have only been around 1/10 of the year but the kids are falling all over them. Just because wow they want to see them for a change. Its okay they need that let them have it. Don’t rain on their happiness. Its okay to be mad and vent. Vent away.. To a friend, your blog, your family but not your children.

{June 24, 2015}   Dreams When In A Funk

Here we go again can only write a post if it is in some other color than normal. Still can’t figure out why it dose this or how to fix it, so in the mean time until I do just bear with me. 

I went to bed fairly early for me last night, around 1 am and went to sleep right away for the most part. While I don’t remember waking up until around 6 something I did have a bunch of crazy dreams. I only really remember on but all night I dreamed about snacks and something being on me. Needless to say I didn’t sleep well at all even though I finally slept all night. 

I don’t normally dream about snacks unless I’m really stressed and I really haven’t been stressed other than about them coming to look at the the house and I am really not stressed to the point of having crazy dreams. But I was in this really odd funk last that hit not long before I went to bed and seemed to just get worse until I finally went to sleep. 

I text my friend for a little bit before I went to sleep. I just really down and depressed. I don’t know what made it hit all of a sudden and so hard. I just felt really upset and lonely. I have been feeling really lonely for a while now. It will come and go at times it has the last few years, but the last week or two it has really been on my mind a lot and bothering me. I feel like I’m going to be this way forever. 

My friend says it’s steps I will meet someone when I get moved a way from here like I want to be. I tell myself that and would really like to meet someone after I move because if I meet someone here what are the odds that they are going to want to move or be able to move really? But then I feel like I am never going to get to move and that I am going to be stuck here forever. Even with a job bills are so high I really have no extra money to save to try and move. Like I said before here it just seems like everyone knows everyone and everyone thinks they know you before they even meet you or try to get to know you. Or they have their past or habits they either try to hide or don’t care if you know about at all because they aren’t trying to change them. Who wants to be a part of all that really. I just feel trapped I guess. I have applied for two jobs that I would really like to have but haven’t heard anything back. I pray that I hear something soon and it is good. I am going to be contacting them tomorrow I think if I don’t hear anything by then. See if I can at least set up a interview or when they plan to set some up. I was at the one place yesterday and it looked as if they may have hired someone new so I am hoping they haven’t filled it. I had a appointment with my little guy today so I wasn’t able to go in and talk to them. 

I guess that funk just made me have the crazy dreams. I don’t normally have them when I feel that way either, I wasn’t stressed more depressed than anything. But our minds have such a odd way of working and connecting with our emotions you never know what may happen. 

{January 26, 2015}   Angry, Mad, Sad, Selfish

I understand my little guy being angry his grandpa is sick and not going to get better. I go back and forth how I feel as well.

I am very angry sometimes, other times just mad and upset. I sit and think, Why my dad? why now? Why so young? Why while my kids are so young? Why can’t they grow up with their grandpa like I did? Why him when he helps everyone and dose so much for everyone? Why him and not someone else? Why not some of these people who have done nothing but cause problems or try to cause problems for us? Why someone who cares so much and tries to do as much as he can for anyone who needs it? Why this way? Why dose he have to get in the shape he is in not able to take care of and do for himself? He is such a strong person hates to ask or need anyone to do for him? But now he can’t do anything for himself hardly.

I think its my dad I feel like it’s one of my kids almost. I can’t describe how I feel. Such a void just a large empty spot. It isn’t right it isn’t fair. I feel like he is just leaving me I know he isn’t I know this sure isn’t what he wanted. I know he sure don’t want to be this way and didn’t chose to be. I know he don’t want to leave us. I know it has to be killing him thinking of the kids and things. I know he don’t want to go. No one wants to go like that.

I don’t think anyone wants to know they are going to go. It’s like just sitting and waiting to what not wake up one day? Sitting and thinking about what it is going to be like, what you are going to be doing if you are still able to do anything and know what’s going on, wondering if it is just going to be painless and quick or if its going to hurt or be drug out some how. It isn’t even me and these are things I think of so I can only imagine what he must be thinking. It kills me knowing he is sitting there feeling who knows what and thinking who knows what. How do you talk to someone about something like that? He can’t hardly talk now it is so hard to hear him. I have to put my head on his shoulder and really strain to hear what he is saying. I know that drives him crazy and one reason he don’t say more. So then he is just sitting there staring around thinking who knows what unable to talk. He just kept laying there holding my hand and rubbing my hand the other night. He said a few things here and there. I know he is thinking about what is going to happen to everyone and all when something happens. He keeps bring up the insurance and things to me. I know for him to bring that up so much he is thinking about us with out him.

Then I think to myself how selfish of me to feel the way I do and think the things I do. I’m 34 years old I have had my dad in my life for 34 years. He has gotten to see me graduate high school, finish my school for massage therapy, help me buy my house, help me do work to it, see all my kids and watch them grow up to different points, came and spent time with me and the kids. Bought the kids their bikes helped them build their bunny a cage. Just anything and everything you could think of really.

I think about a friend and her kids. She lost her husband almost 4 years ago Mike Got A Miracle. Her kids one wasn’t even in jr high and the other one may have been in 6 Th grade. They are missing out on all the things I got to do with my dad. He isn’t there for their school stuff, he isn’t going to be there to walk her down the aisle for her wedding, see their kids or any of that.

Then I feel selfish for feeling the way I do about my dad. I think how am I going to do this without him. He is the only person in my life that I can go to talk to and not be judged or told what to do. He don’t get mad about whatever we decide to do or throw it in your face if it don’t turn out like it should have or like you thought. He was just there to listen and give his take if you asked for it and to help how ever he could. He was my go to rock. But I think it is normal to feel that way whatever age you lose your parent or whatever age they are when you lose them. Look how young her dad was when she lost him. He was probably about the age I am now. He was a few years older than me maybe a little more.

I think about all these kids who suffer and fight this battle and lose. How young they are and that they didn’t even get a chance to really live life at all or do anything really.

It don’t matter who it is, how old they are, how old you are, when it is it just comes down to it sucks. Dealing with cancer and death sucks no matter how you look at it.


{January 21, 2015}   Silly Putty

I went to bed so stressed last night and couldn’t sleep. I just feel like a piece of silly putty that everyone has a hold of and no two people are pulling in the same direction. I need to be there for my dad and want to be there with him 24/7 and it just isn’t possible with him living with my brother and being in the (Hospice House) right now.

I think it is harder when he is at my brothers because they don’t want us there and the kids want to play with the toys and watch tv and they get bothered by it. I really wish he had done like he told me he was going to do before and let me find a place where he could have his own apartment but be there with us. I know he would be so much more happier than just having a bedroom in their house. But I know he stayed because my brother couldn’t make his bills so he could help them out.

At the hospice place he has a nice big room to his self with a nice porch and things. The kids can go see him watch tv with him or whatever. No one there breathing down your back why you are there and watching your ever move and talking about you a few feet a way until you leave.

I feel so alone right now going through this. I have friends they will call or text and check up on me ask how I am how my dad is doing and things. But I have no help really dealing with it all getting kids to therapy someone to sit with them so I can go by myself and see my dad and spend time with him or take him out if he wants to go. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, cleaning and everything is all on me. My father of the year is here but he has a fit bitches because I ask him to do something and if he dose do it about the time he decides to do it or gets in the middle he gets called and I end up doing it anyway. Night before last I went to bed in the middle of the night he was leaving to a call and I never seen or heard from him again until after 10 pm last night. Then he bitched because I asked him to clean up the kitchen. I fried chicken made home made mashed potatoes veggies. I had all the kids feed and the food put a way. But he didn’t think twice about walking in the door going right to the kitchen and eating when he got here. He didn’t have to stop and cook him something or stop and get fast food. I could have just cooked for me and the kids but I don’t. There is always more than enough for me and them and it isn’t all going to get eaten. It is cheaper for us all to eat together than us to cook and him to cook. It wasn’t like he hadn’t been home he had to run up the street drop of some gas and come home. Took him less than 30 minutes he was home back in bed for hours and had slept hours before that.

I feel guilty for not being up there with my dad all the time. But I have to make sure the kids go to their therapy and doctors visits when they have them. He is about 15 miles a way. I can’t just run over there for 20 or 30 minutes when I have free time. It take me that long to get everyone ready and then to drive there. I hate to go and say ok I can only stay a minute and I don’t know when I will get back or it will be tomorrow before I get back. I go when I can stay for a few hours at lest when I get there. Or I can spend most the day. Like yesterday I spent about two hours with him. I was going to stay another half hour or so but he seemed like he was getting tired and things. The kids were starting to get tired and not wanting to sit still asking for drinks. I told him we were going to go he said ok he had gotten back in bed before we left. I helped him fix his bed and things. I told him I was going to try to come back Thursday he looked disappointed I told him I get there today but it be later in the evening if I could. But I wasn’t sure I would. He said ok.

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and being so stressed. Because I know all that he is going through and he is lonely scared and just wants to spend time with us. I know that down the road I would do anything to feel this way and just get to go see him and won’t be able to. Then dealing with it over all myself aside from everything else that I am trying to take care of. I bounce back and forth so much. One day I’m ok with his decisions and how he wants to handle it. The next I’m not and wish he would do something but I know there isn’t really anything he can do. I know he just wants to be out of pain and not sick all the time. Other days I’m so depressed it is all I can do to force myself to get up and get the kids where they need to go and things done for them. Just the thought of driving or going anywhere else wears me out. I fee guilty for feeling that way.

The things I need to do the feelings and emotions all of it just feels like putty being pulled in every direction it can be pulled in and at its breaking point. But what is the breaking point I never seem to get there any more. I just seem to walk around feeling the way I do now. I don’t ever seem to just have that one big this is it explosion, cry, anger scream yell or whatever. I feel like I just skip that stage of things where whatever happens and I get that little bit of a breath. I feel like I walk around just barely holding it all together all the time and never do I have that time to just let it all go for just a few minutes.

et cetera
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