{December 13, 2020}   4:30 A.M. Why am I Awake?

I fell a sleep around 10 and woke up about an hour and half ago. I was wide awake and still am. I been messing around reading old post and things.

Looking back reading old post from when I started this blog really in 2012 I can not believe how bad thing’s really were. I can not believe how bad the abuse really was. I know I posted not long ago talking about it. But man I don’t know something about reading those post after being completely out of the situation and him not being around anymore. Thinking about how life has been to what it was. It is mind blowing to think I lived that. That really was my life.

I think no wonder I feel the way I do when I see him. No wonder I got so sick and upset when he walked into court the first time after he had stepped out of the picture.

I was reading a post about a big fight we had in front of people. One of very few and the worse of them that anyone seen. I read this that I had written……….

“He knows he kind of has me in a corner because of my kids. I am not going to risk doing anything that would make them maybe give them to him when we go to court.”

I was saying in the post anyone else talked to me or treated me that way it would of been a hands on fight. But with him my kids are at risk. So I just took it and moved on all those years. This fight was just days before our court date for the divorce. When I filed he got super bad for awhile. Between that and being with someone else and happy just enraged him.

Reading all those I just felt my anxiety kick in overdrive in seconds. My heart racing and the fear, the fight or flight. My head hurts my heart hurts and I feel sick to my stomach. It amazes me the reaction I have just laying here in my bed under the covers so warm and comfortable. Knowing he isn’t around and that stuff isn’t going on anymore. I shouldn’t of read those because now who knows how long I will be awake. At least until I calm down some. I almost want to cry just thinking about it.

{February 4, 2020}   To Damaged

I am so stressed lately with having to move, find a bigger truck, back to back court dates, Saturday being 5 years my dad being gone, this new step I am taking with JW, all the changes that are coming with that.

This thing with JW is really on my mind letting go and just let what is going to happen, happen and enjoying what is happening now is really hard. Trusting he isn’t going to hurt me and things really are going to work out and that him, the kids and I are all going to be happy. My mind won’t let me do that of course, because when you have been hurt and taken advantage of so many times or in such ways it isn’t easy. You stuff your feelings and go with with your head so that you don’t get hurt again.

I keep thinking about what he said about wanting to be here and help, willing to wait, take things slow, do things how I feel is best for me and the kids. Maybe he isn’t the one I am trying to protect the kids from. Maybe it is me and me messing things up not him.

Yesterday I was in a mood and I was thinking about all the shit I have been though and things that have happen. I thought once he finds out about things or if he does will he stay. He won’t stay he will leave. I had the thought I am going to tell him everything or what if I just tell him the one thing that gets a reaction  out of everyone, that one thing that no one knows how to react to and makes everyone pull away or leave. Because you know it was shortly after RC found out that he did all this and was different from the time he found out. Then I think okay so he don’t leave but the what if he is different after that like he was? What if I mess things up between us by telling him that. If it changes things between us and we are still together that may not be the best either. But then I feel that it is something that he probably should know either way because it will have an effect on things between us at times. I try not to let it but at times it does before I even realize it.

Then it is like okay so when is the right time to tell someone something like that? Right away upfront kind of like now? Later once things head in that direction? Just wait until maybe it comes up or if things from the past and how things were or things that happen between me and father of the year and bring it up? I just don’t know how you bring that up and tell someone that.

Yesterday the mood I was in I had decided that I was going to go tell him. I was going to bring it up after work or what and we were sitting around talking. Whatever reaction I got, I just got and we would go from there.

My whole thought process behind it all was just tell him all the bad shit, tell him everything you have been through and done. He will surely not stick around. If he does then maybe it is worth all that you are putting on hold. If he does leave then it just shows how he is like the rest and just saying what he thinks one wants to hear. Either way everything is out in the open.

But when I got there he was pretty sick and not feeling good. He told me he didn’t feel good when we were messaging while I was at work. I didn’t think he was that bad until I got there. I could tell he really felt bad, he wasn’t wanting to move or even lay on his side or anything. He was so tired as well. I just laid there with him we talked a little but not much not about anything really. I told him I was going to go so he could sleep because he was so bad. He said no he wanted me to stay. I stayed for a bit laid there with him until I had to go. He was going to walk me out I told him no to stay in bed I would turn things off and lock the door. He was worried about me walking out by myself. I said I walk in by myself all the time, whats the difference. He said I don’t know but I am just supposed to walk you out. I said well not to night now I will see you tomorrow.

I was kind of glad it hadn’t come up and not at the same time. I wasn’t going to bring it up at that time anyway no matter what. But I now feel that I just want to get it out of the way since I feel that he should know. That I was all ready to tell him and going to do it and now I still have it to do since he wasn’t feeling good. I guess I will just wait and see and hope that the right time comes and things go well when it does.

It all goes back to Self sabatage.

Everything can be going great and my mind takes over and runs with all its thoughts and what may happen. What if he finds out….what if you do something he don’t like or that upsets him… is he going to react to…..will he find you to damaged if to much comes out? It is hell to have your mind battle your heart as I am sure many of you know.

You want to believe and follow your heart but your brain attacks.

{July 22, 2017}   Seen Father Of The Year

I guess it was Tuesday I had to be at work at 6:30 a.m. then they sent me on a break at 8 a.m. I noticed I had money in my pocket my kid needed for school that day and left to take it to him because they would be leaving in an hour or so to go and I wouldn’t have another break that day. It’s only bout 5 minutes away.

I went and came back, when I walked in the dinning area it was busy and there were two guys standing there, one was looking at the floor or something and looked up we looked right at each other. It was father of the year!! I didn’t say anything and he didn’t either he looked like he didn’t know what to do or say or do. I just acted like I had no idea who he was and walked past him just as everyone else there and went to the break room. I could see him and his buddy standing there still and he turned and ran outside.

I wanted to say something when I seen him but didn’t because I was at work and we were inside in the dining area with a ton of people standing and sitting around. That is why I didn’t say anything at all because I wasn’t sure what he would or wouldn’t say and I knew that if I said anything to him it was going to escalate from there quickly probably. Just seeing him makes me mad. Then I was standing there thinking yeah he going go tell everyone ha ha she working here or there and when she seen me she ran and hid blah blah, like all the rest of hi lies he makes up. When he went outside I came out and went to see where he went. I figured he go jump in the work truck and lock himself in and not talk to me. I walked out and was looking around for a work truck and didn’t see it or him. I went to round the corner and there he sat on the curb, I almost ran into him. He just looked up at me like he wasn’t sure what was about to happen. He looked so embarrassed and humiliated.

I looked at him and said I hear life is going really good for you these days just as calm as could be like nothing ever happen. He looked up at me and looked kind of revealed and like we were just going to have a conversation like nothing was wrong and he did nothing. He said no not really it isn’t. I said yeah I know, I heard, isn’t it great? I think it is the best thing that could of ever happen ba ha ha and laughed. I couldn’t help the laugh or stopped it, it just came out.

Then I asked him how his whore was and he said why do you have to be so nasty and mean call her that? Can’t you call her something else? I said hey a spade is a spade a whore is a whore I just call them what they are. He says I love R and she loves me. Oh my god guys I about died, I rolled laughing at him again and told him how he is the laughing stock of town. He said no we aren’t that is you and my boss at the shop his wife and his whores ex boyfriend and what ya’ll got going. I said I don’t know what your talking about, I don’t even talk to them. When they pulled all this I didn’t and hadn’t for a year or two so I was trying to see what he knew who been telling him what. He just said yeah all you all got going on. I said I don’t know what you mean or talking about what do we have going on why don’t you tell me because I don’t know? He didn’t say anything just you know or something like that. I said no I really don’t. I said oh you mean the fact we have jobs, cars, phones, pay our bills, have our kids and take care of them, have our priorities and responsibilities straight we aren’t homeless, careless, have no phone or anything else going for us? If that is what you mean by going on then yeah we have a lot going on. He don’t you have a job to do? I said yeah I do and will when I get ready to. I have this one my second one and school and the one I have to do for school because I do what I am supposed to do and take care of the things that mean something to me and do what has to be done to make it. He didn’t’ say anything.

I asked him if he ever planed to see his kids or pay child support for his kids again. He said yeah his boss took it out of his check and was going to send it to me. I said when because I haven’t seen anything? He said in a few days or as soon as I get the address to him, it probably be a couple days or so. I said whats a couple more days to wait don’t rush or anything not like it hasn’t been months already that they have been waiting and needing things. I said why we are on the subject of the kids want to know what they think about all this and what you have done? He just sat there looking at the ground. I said let me tell you lets start with Big Guy because he seems to have the most to say and vocal about it all. I said the night when me and him was sitting in the hospital for the 2nd night in a row with oldest son he looked at me and said mommy I am so glad you are hear and take care of us and will never leave us. Daddy don’t have to ever come back I don’t care if he don’t. I asked him why he said because you left and betrayed them. I said then the other day we were driving around looking at houses and Little Bitty ask if that was where you lived. He was first one to answer before anyone else could and said no that isn’t his house, he lives in his truck in the middle of the street and has probably starved to death or was going to starve to death but it was okay because you didn’t see them or take them or take care of them anyway. He just looked like someone had punched him in the stomach and didn’t say a word.

Then I asked him for Little Bitty’s car seat that I let him borrow because something happen to his. He told me it was his, I said oh know J across the street gave that to me and I had just bought a new one and told you that you could borrow it, it is mine. He told me it went with his truck but he could probably get it back. I said and that why the hell would you sell your truck for $500 when you are homeless and have no where to stay no way to get to a job or anything else without it? At least you could sleep in it and get to a job if you found one. He said I couldn’t pay insurance may as well of sold it than drive it get in trouble. I said well you had a good paying job if you hadn’t lost it. Maybe if you went to work more often you wouldn’t have lost it. He again said nothing. About that time his buddy came out come on come on get up come inside and started running his mouth to me telling me to leave him alone and crap. I said look I don’t know who you are and you know nothing but the lies I am sure he has told you we were talking you need to go on and stay out of it. He kept running his mouth and then says come on she has a boss lets go talk to them and get her in trouble. They went running in side like two little kids going to tattle.

I followed them right in and one of the managers was standing at the counter to take orders. I ask her to talk to her in the back she ask what was wrong they started running their mouth I was beyond mad at that point. I threw my arm out their way and pointed right in the ones face and said him, I have no idea who he is, I have never seen him before in my life. I pointed at Father of the Year and said that, that is my ex husband who dissipated about 3 months ago and cut off all contact and support for his kids. I said we were outside talking and he came out and started and now he wants to talk to my boss and get me in trouble as he put it. I said pretty sorry for the father of his children who has nothing to do with them and who supports them in no way shape or form to try to get his children’s mother fired knowing she is the only one who takes care of them and supports them and only income coming into the home.

The dinning area was full of people there were people standing around waiting to order and for their orders and the kitchen right there was full of people too. At that point I did not care he wanted to go along with his buddy and run in there to try to get me fired then you can bet I am going to let them all know just what you are and how you are and how this fucker who don’t even know me or anything is going to get in the middle of something and start. They don’t want to be called out for the low lives they are then they shouldn’t of went in and started. She told me to go to the back she would take care of it. I went back to the break room and in a minute they got their food and left.

Later she came back for her break and I was standing there cooking and cleaning at the grill I asked her so what happens if they decide to call higher up and complain. She said you are a young lady they are two grown men coming in here starting on you it is abusive two of them to start on you. She said they are not going to look to highly of that. She said they are tress passing this is your job so they are in the wrong there and you were off the clock so what can really be said you were on your own time. She said don’t worry about it they aren’t going to get you fired. I told my GM who was there what was going on as well and everything and if she could ask them not to come back there. She said not over this one time thing but if they came back and started again then yes she could and would.

Yes I went out and was talking to him it may not have been a wonderful conversation or the best but how well or nice would you expect after all that he has done. We were talking we were not loud or fighting or anything like that just talking. When his buddy came out and started in on me he was loud and rude and cussing and things. Before that no one would have known anything was wrong or going on if they walked by unless they stood there and tried to hear what was going said or going on. So no we had no problem and he had no problem util his buddy came out. It wasn’t like he was being held there or could not leave or have gotten up and went back inside on his own or gotten in the truck if he wanted too. We were outside he is twice my size he could of gotten up and walked away at anytime if there was a problem he didn’t.

See I knew he was homeless still and couldn’t pay for a motel room anymore like they had been staying in and that he lost his job and sold his truck because I found out about a month ago maybe. She went to her ex’s again they were walking she told him that he had lost his job, sold his truck for $500 spent $60 to get to the motel room and the rest on the room for the week and now they had no where to go. She wanted to use his phone and get a number from him to call a friend of hers to see if they could sleep in her shed for the night. Since then no one has known where they were. They had stayed a night or two at her aunts but that was all we knew from there. We didn’t know if they were still staying there or that he went back to work or nothing. She had not come back by his place.

It had at that time been less than 10 weeks since they pulled all this and left. He had lost his job, sold his truck for nothing, still had no phone or place to stay and now didn’t even have money for a motel. I said that is pretty bad when I have me and 4 kids to take care of and do for and need a lot more to provide for than he does and I am doing it on my own. But he can’t do it for just his self or him and her, when he was making 3x more a week than I make in two weeks. Just goes to show that when he says oh we had this and that and how he made sure we had what we needed and was such a great provider for us that he wasn’t the one keeping track of the money and making sure we had what we needed.

I have seen a few different guys from his job come in the last few days but not him or the guy that came in with him on Tuesday. If he knew I worked there like he let on he thought I wasn’t working that day because my truck wasn’t there and he was wrong. I just left on break like I never do the few times I have gotten a break. Most days I work right through with no break at all. I don’t think he will come back in there at all now knowing everyone knows how he is and what is going on.

I can not even explain how he looked sitting there that day. At first he looked like there was hope that maybe we could go back to how things were I tolerated him and let him come around to see the kids and things. Then when I said yeah I heard and all that he just looked like he had no hope of ever having or doing better again. He look like all reason to live was gone, maybe I should feel sorry for him, sad or what but I do not feel anything but that he is getting what he deserves after everything he has put me and my kids through and what he is still doing to them. I talk to another friend I had not seen or talked to in years and she said she didn’t know we were not together and that she seen him the other day walking not to far from my house with no shoes or nothing and that she was wondering what was going on and thought he looked homeless then. My mom keeps saying how sad it is, I’m like no it’s not sad at all I don’t feel bad for him at all. He has done it all to himself and cares about no one but himself and now he has done to himself what he has done and tried to do to everyone else. What goes around comes around.

It was funny there is an older lady who comes in at opening and works til 9. She came over to me on her way out and ask who was bothering who? I said an abusive ex husband starting with me. She said yeah I had one of them too, just pray about it really hard he has a way to make it all work out for you. She said I prayed really hard about mine and 6 months later he was dead. I said well I tell you I been praying too maybe if we both do something will happen so you just pray real hard with me. She said well okay I will honey.

That is pretty much what is going on with Father of the Year all this time. Oh and he told me to message his whore if I needed him about the kids. I tried to message her when I found out about the truck, job and all that and she has me blocked as well so how am I supposed to tell him anything through her even? Not that I was going to, but it’s the point that this is how I am supposed to get a hold of her and then they cut that off too. I have changed nothing so he can’t say I am keeping them from him or he can’t get a hold of me. Even little bitty’s dad can’t say he couldn’t contact me because he could message me or call me as well because I still have the same number all these years later. I have had the same number the last 7 years so no one can say they can’t get a hold of me because anyone that really wanted too could.


{April 29, 2017}   ex:Best Friend

Well I didn’t get to write last night I fell a sleep after hardly sleeping for a week with all that has went on. I guess it was Friday my friend Wanda came over and moved in. I think I wrote a while back about her coming to stay with me I was going to help her with getting a job, car and things like that and she was going to help me watch the kids why I was in school and working as well. If not that was the plan for the summer. She was even talking about wanting to move away with us next year when we went. It would work for us both and help us both get things we needed done.

Well last week or the week I think it was my mom messaged me and ask me if I knew that Father of the Year was talking to Wanda? She does not know that she was planing to come stay here or anything like that. I told her yes they were just friends. She said I better watch and that she knew what happen with another friend of ours and him talking. But that was the friend that introduced us to each other. With her she was doing it behind my back after I told her not to. I knew that Wanda was, they both told me they were. I did say I didn’t care who they were friends with they are adults. But I also told him because he said he liked her that, the two of them were looking for different things and that she was my friend and it was not right for him to go there with her and go any farther than friends. Me and her talked about it after that she was laughing at him and talking about how he was and the shit he was saying he told him she was my friend it wasn’t right and shit and he told her I said it was fine. She said no it is one thing to be friends but another to be more than that. Just yesterday or the day before we were talking about how he tried to talk to another friend of mine and she was pissed he even thought she would do that because me and her were friends and things. That it just wasn’t something you do. She said the same thing.

The other night he came over here and he was all shitty didn’t say anything to me or anything to her flopped down on the chair outside where we were sitting. He was texting away on his phone. I ask who he was talking to at like 2 am he got all pissed off said no one. Then he said other shit we got in a big fight. I told him this was my house he wasn’t coming in my house talking to me like that and shit. Then he looked at me in a way I had never seen him look at me or anyone fire in his eyes like he was about to reach over and rip my head off. Then he looked back down when he seen I was looking at him. Then he tilted his head to the side and did the same thing to her.

Today he came took the kids to school and was supposed to come back he wanted me to help him do some things and he was supposed help me with the beds in the boys room. He didn’t come back, he didn’t answer and he hadn’t brought me money. I called he finally answered told me he was a few miles up the road looking for something. I ask what nothing, he kept saying. Then he said I am just driving around. I said you are looking for something you just said it. Then it was a friends house, but he couldn’t find it. I said no your not why not just call him see where it is? He said he didn’t have his number anymore he needed to talk to him about somethings. I told him he needed to bring my my money right away he was right here and still didn’t offer to bring it to me, that I needed it and wasn’t going to beg for it and the kids room needed done. We were on the phone he said he was by my house getting money at the ATM.

I asked him how much from last week he had because he just picked it up from my sister and my mom said she thought he got more than he was supposed to from her. He said he got the right amount that he was $100 short. I ask him where a $100 went in two days? He got all pissed off and started yelling and screaming at me while he was in the store. Then telling me I’m not on drugs, I don’t use anything and your just trying to destroy me and you just want me to kill myself I know you do. I said I don’t know what your talking about I never said anything about you using drugs or killing yourself. Yes you did to everyone you tell everyone that. I never said he was doing drugs or I thought he was but I have had about 4 or 5 people tell me they thought he was and ask me if I knew if he was. Then he finally shows up here all nasty and shit to give me the money.

He started again about the way things are, I said when you walk up in my house talking to me like this, when you walk up in my house and look at me the way you do like you just want to snap my head off, when you are sitting on the other side of the door and I have text you and sent you other messages just asking a question and you ignore me I guess then yes I am going to get pissed off and say something. I told him this is my house, I am not scared of him and that when he is at my house he isn’t going to walk around here in a shitty mood, ranting, talking to himself, giving me dirty looks and talking to everyone any old way he wants. He will have respect or he will not be here. I said just like the other night when you came in here and sat down I just ask who you were talking to so late. He ask me anytime i touch my phone or it goes off when he is here who is that who are you talking to who are you seeing. I said you are always accusing me of seeing someone and I am not and I have not problem telling you who it is. I don’t have to shouldn’t have to but I don’t hide shit. I couldn’t tell you I have to keep their personal information private it was a private conversation. I said I didn’t ask you what you were talking about or anything just who. How is that telling their personal business? Maybe that wasn’t the best way to put it I have to protect them. I said again protect them from what? Just giving me a name isn’t nothing. I ask him what are you hiding? Nothing he kept saying. Then he said it is someone I like I am close to I really care about. I said okay and you still can’t tell her name because you care about them? I said so that is some relationship isn’t it I like them they like me but I can’t tell anyone her name or we are together? What since does that make none? I said so what are you hiding because I am not stupid? He looked like he was a kid in trouble for something and about to cry and said Wanda!!! I said tell her to come out here, he went to the door and open it ask her to come outside. She was saying something I don’t know what, then he came out I said something else to him was waiting on her to come out she didn’t. In a minute or two I said where is she? He said I don’t know I told her you wanted her to come outside she didn’t really want to. I said you better tell her to come out here now. He went back to the door was asking her to come out a minute. She was saying something. I said you all think the other night when me and you got in a fight was bad, either one of you haven’t seen nothing yet because if she don’t come out here and I have to go in there it is going to get pretty fucking ugly really fucking fast and not either one of you going to like it. Her ass jumped up and ran out there then sat down in the chair by me. I ask her what happen thought this that and the other yall are just friends he is like a brother to you blah blah bullshit. I said so all this time you have been lying to me laughing behind my back we are just talking. No that isn’t how it is it’s only been a few days we been trying to tell you. I said no you don’t try you could have just done it. I said something to her and she lied I said boy you two are just a like sit and bold face lye for no reason. No I swear I didn’t like him but things changed I tried to tell you. I said this or that the other day, I said no you didn’t say yeah I did things have changed between me and Father of the Year. I said I even ask you the other day straight out you swore no no there is nothing.

She is the one that is sick I have sat at the hospital with, taken and picked up from the hospital, went to see in the hospital, went out of my way to take her food, went out of my way to buy her food even though I didn’t have money to be doing it for. I was so pissed, I said I guess all of it has been a lye using and backstabbing people. They just kept swearing it was not that way and things. I told them they stabbed me in the back and screwed me, Father of the Year said why how did this screw you? I said because we were supposed to help each other this summer, I was going to help her get a job, I was going to help her save money for a car, help her get to work, she was going to watch kids why I worked, why I went to school and now I can’t do any of that because I don’t have the help I need. He had the fucking nerve to tell me it’s okay you can still do that. I said no the fuck we can’t still do that. The fucking bitch can get the fuck out of my house and she better not ever come back here. I told her she needed to fucking get her shit and get out of my house. I asked her where she was going she said she didn’t know she guessed her brothers. I knew that was a lye she can’t go there. I just met her brother a few days ago. Then Father of the Year ask her if she needed a ride she said her brothers. After a little bit they got up she grabbed her shit and they left.

He had his toolbox with tools on my carport here he has never taken, I have told him and told him to and he never did. Why I was going through the tool box I found a big black trash bag on the carport with all his clothes in and around it. I put all the shit in the trash and on the road. Toolbox, tools and all. I know I could have gotten a little money for the stuff but I just wanted the shit out of my house. I took his clothes and put them in the trash cans down under stuff. Tonight I found his boots sitting in here. I looked for them earlier and couldn’t find them. I thought he had taken them, I took them out the kids had put a big box of hay, bedding, shit, food and stuff out of the Guinean pig cage. I took it filled his boots up with the shit and put them down to the bottom of the can and tossed the shit on top of them. I dumped the bag and dumped some on it. I then took what was left most the big box full and dumped it all over the rest of his stuff and pushed it all down in that can. I found some kind of harness out there I have never seen it before so I brought it inside and put it in my closet. I am thinking it is works not his and I don’t want to get rid of something if it is theirs. I am going to call them and ask them and tell them someone besides him needs to come and get it. If either of them come back here I am going to have them both trespassed.

The kids have ask where is Wanda when I picked them up, then they asked tonight where is daddy he was supposed to be here tonight. I just told them that Wanda moved out. I told them I didn’t know where dad was couldn’t get a hold of him. I guess he didn’t go to work already because he didn’t have his shoes to go, he didn’t have his clothes to go, he isn’t charging his phone neither will answer when messaged.

I really I was more pissed off at her than anything to come up in my house to live and do this. To tell me all the time your family not friends, my kids to get close to her and bring her into the family and she done us all this way. My kids loved her, they ask the last two days if she was moving in I said yes. Then the next day to day I find this out. They would come give me a hug and kiss we be sitting in the living-room watching tv at bedtime. they then would go over and give her a hug and go to bed. They looked at her like family as well. I just don’t know I am so pissed. I now have to go buy a door lock because they have a key to my house. I wanted to pound the hell out of her in the yard but I didn’t, I can’t get any charges and still be able to work and things. It wouldn’t have worked anyway.

I also messaged her ex that she has let think she is coming home at some point and let him know that when he goes to court she plans to come over there and kick the door in and get her stuff. She said she lives there gets mail there nothing anyone can do about it. I told him she was not with me anymore I put her and her shit out. He called and ask what was going on I told him she lying back stabbing whatever. He said she with Father of the Year? I said yep and him or her brother will bring her. He said I will whip his ass he will be in the hospital. I said whatever you got to do. I said something about it and all I have done for her and things she do this. He wasn’t surprised but he knew how she is. He told her her shit would be on the porch tomorrow and that he was going to be getting the rest together and anything that was not picked up by Tuesday was going in the trash so no need for her to come in when he not there. She isn’t responding. I had to call my mom tell her he isn’t coming back over there or going to help her like he was supposed to until September. She don’t want to come here I don’t want her to. I don’t know what she is going to do. I don’t know what I am going to do if he don’t pay.

I am going next week to child support enforcement I am telling them he don’t ever take the kids away from my house. I am going to tell them his child support is figured on half of what he really makes. I am also going to tell them that he got a raise and is making $17 to $18 an hour now and that his bills have went down. I am going to tell them I want it taken straight from his check and sent to me too. I am done all the way around with him. this is not right to do to someone who had done so much for you and was still helping you.

This thing with Father of The Year has been bothering me since last night when I had to make him leave my house. The way he did the other night insisting I was drinking and showing up here and then the way he did and acted last night just bothers me. I don’t know how to explain it most might not notice it but it’s different I notice I guess from being around him so much and just knowing how he is over all.

Last night he came in had My Little Guy get off the computer so he could use it and started looking something up. Then he couldn’t get into whatever it was he was looking up because he had changed the password and forgot it. I asked him about the money he owes me we are now almost to Friday again. He tells me he has $40 out of $122 he is supposed to give me. That was what he was trying to do look at his bank on line to see “where” the money went. Because he had it until he went to get it. Then he tried to say he thinks the card is charging him fee’s when he uses it. I told him it charges you a fee every time you use it if it is set up the way mine would be if I wasn’t a student. But that does not explain where like $80 went because that would be a lot of fees at 50 cent each to eat up $80. He finally got in and was looking at it but then he never did tell me where the money went or why he didn’t have mine or give me the $40 he said he was going to. I also told him he was shorting me $2 every week and that why it didn’t seem like a lot that it added up to $104 a year that he wasn’t paying that he was supposed to be paying. He just ignored me.

I added up money I have spent the last few weeks on the kids and told him how much he owed me. He said something about that. I said look they needed winter stuff I went and got that the other day. I got the boys each 3 pairs of pants and I got my oldest a pair. She already had a 4 pair two new ones and a couple old ones that are starting to get small on her. We had a cold front come through but it isn’t that cold and it is hot by 10 or 11 so they don’t need sweaters long sleeve shirts and all that right now. Just some pants with a light jacket. It is hit or miss if it is going to be a cool day. The last two they wore pants and took a light jacket, then today it was hot out when we got up. It was only $66 for the things I got but it’s the point that he is paying way less in support than he is supposed to, I wait for days on it most the time and he paid nothing for over a year why I had to figure out how to pay it all. I added what I spent on Halloween costumes and other money he owes me as well. I told him he will owe me over $400 next week. I didn’t think I owed you that much I don’t know how all this. I said well here it all is broken down. I know he isn’t going to have it because rent is due next week and he will probably be lucky to have enough to cover that. I don’t know what he is going to do but he can bet he better give me what he owes me because I am not letting him get forever behind before I go and start the process to do something about it. Because the longer I wait to start it the farther behind he gets and it takes them a while to get them in there so then that is even farther behind why I am needing the money to pay bills and things. And now he started this thing the other week he has a little receipt book he has me sign every time he gives me a payment.

After he got off the computer he just sat around here. We had dinner, watched some stuff on tv and I sent the kids to bed. He just sat here until I threw him out. Just the way he kept looking around and the way he would look at me and look when I would say he didn’t live here and didn’t need to be here. I could tell he really did not like it and was thinking something. It was making him mad too and I was very surprised he didn’t start fighting with me or arguing with me. Most of the time I say something, just like when I told him this wasn’t the laundromat he couldn’t just come here and wash his clothes or stop here to eat every day after work because I wasn’t a fast food join either. He got pissed and started telling me how he gives me money every week and things. I let him know real fast that money wasn’t for anything to do with him or so that he could come here and wash and eat all the time. That money was to pay for his part of what it cost for the kids to eat. He started about that didn’t matter and trying to tell me why what he was doing was fine it didn’t make a difference if he washed clothes here or ate here. I told him it did because when I shop I shop to feed the kids and me then I end up using more and shorting our meals and I have to buy more.

Last night I told him over and over to go home and that he didn’t live here there was no reason for him to stay the night he wasn’t going to be coming back in a few hours to take care the kids for me to do anything or anything like that. Told him he wasn’t just showing up to spend the night like he been doing or trying to do that he was told he could come see the kids but nothing was ever said about staying there was no need for it. That is was my house I had stuff to do and that I was going to do it there for he wouldn’t be able to lay here on the couch and sleep and that I didn’t want him sleeping all over my new couch and messing it up. He just look at me with this look like he was just so pissed and looking through me refused to answer me or say anything refuse to get up and go home. Then he turn back around and start watching tv again or go back to just looking at everything and looking around the room at everything. Nothing is different nothing has changed since I got the new living room set and he was here when they brought it so nothing new to look at or see.

I don’t know it just was a really weird feeling and odd. When he finally left he just got up mumbled something open the door and left. I heard him do something outside when he left not sure what that was sounded like something at one of the trucks. Mine was locked I figured he punched it or something but didn’t see anything. He was out there a few minutes and then left. Then when he got home or somewhere he sent me that message about caring day and if I care send it back.

{July 12, 2016}   Mind Blown

Last night I was talking to a friend and we were talking about RC and things. She said he says that my Little Bitty is Father of The Years not his he thinks I cheated. He knows it isn’t true sat at another friend of ours house and told them the night we found-out I was pregnant that he knew it was his he didn’t have a doubt in his mind it wasn’t. Then sat there the one time he seen her and said we did good then well you did. After that sat there crying his eyes out begging me to please not tell her he was a loser. He said this over and over that night. He knows and like I told her last night he knows she is his and one reason he didn’t hold her that night not just because he was drinking but because he wanted to try and avoid having feeling for her or bonding with her.

She said it was being said that my little one looked just like my youngest son who looks like Father of The Year so she must be his too. My friend had never seen my little ones other brothers so she didn’t know what they looked like or anything. I said girl when I had her and even now she looks just like his youngest son laying there. She still looks like him. I told her I made a collage thing when she was little that had her, his two sons, him and the daughter he is with now on it and how much they all looked a like. She asked to see it. Last night I sat here and looked and looked through pictures trying to find it. I never did.

I was going to make another one so I started looking at pages to see if I could find the pictures I used then and I wanted up dated pictures to make one now of them all. I was looking on Little Bitty’s other brothers grandma’s page because she always post picture to see if I seen the ones I used. It pops up and says you have 1 friend in common. It was my best friend from Junior high that I still talk to. Her and her sister. It was late but I sent her a message figured she see it this morning.

I said I want to ask you something but it involves my little one and her family so I don’t want you to say anything to the person I want to ask about. She said ok and ask what was wrong.

I started looking at her page then to find the person because I am still thinking I couldn’t have seen what I seen, before I find her I find her son is also on her page and then I find RC’s ex wife on her page. I said how do you know x,y,z? She said yeah I do why? I ask her how and told her that Y’s two oldest boys are my daughters brothers and that her dad is Y’s ex husband.

She didn’t answer for a few minutes I think she was trying to figure out what I said and probably trying to pick her jaw off the ground. I figured she was going to say her sisters new boyfriends family or something like that. She said oh X is my uncles ex wife, Y and Z are my cousins.

I couldn’t believe it my mind was blown!!! We have only been back in contact about 4/5 years ago about the time this all went down with me and RC. She said that she had not talk to them seen them since she was about 8 or so and that they don’t talk that they probably asked their mom who she even was when she found them on there and added them. It’s just crazy.

Then my friend said didn’t he tell you he went to Tennessee? I said yes that is where he started out but then I have heard he is in Kentucky somewhere or on the boarder of the two in Kentucky. She said yes he was over there and that he had sent her pictures and things of all where he is. My other friend said well if you want him you let me know my family is all over up there been there forever they will find him, they will tell you where he is. She said he will tell me too and has but she has not talk to him in a while so not sure if he is still in the same place. But if he don’t my other friend can get his information.

Then something was said about his ex wife, I said her name and where she lived she said isn’t that the guy that worked at the shop who died wife and their kid? I remember hearing a little bit about the stories when he first got with her but not a lot I didn’t know him well and I left the picture right after he came in it. Everything had happen with RC so I didn’t hear from him about it either he didn’t even really know. But it all sounds to much like it is her.

I was told that the babies dad was some guy but he was a druggie and they weren’t together not that he died. But who really knows, maybe some day I will reach out and try to introduce the kids to each other and let them get to know each other. Maybe she will be open to it, maybe she has wanted to but just didn’t know who I was to contact me. I just can’t believe they are all related and cousins.

et cetera
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