{May 17, 2017}   Don’t Care

I’m sitting here eating and watching tv with the kids and see I have a message from Wanda, saying Father of the Year wanted to know what I wanted? I told her that he needed to get a hold of me I was not going to play this go between game and have to go through her to talk to him when ever I needed something that it had nothing to do with her. I told her to tell him he needed to call me. She said he could call me from her facebook. I said why can’t he just call me? She said he didn’t have a phone I told her he did he was on line enough. Why couldn’t he call me from his why did it need to go through her? About that time my phone started ringing it was her and I answered it expecting it to be her but it wasn’t it was him.

What did you want you left a message at my job? I said yeah I did what do you mean what do I want? I said I want to know why you have not given me a address and phone number like you were supposed to do with in 24 hours? Why have you not given it to the courts with in 7 days like your supposed to? I don’t have a phone I haven’t had money to get one and I don’t have a place yet he says. I said your staying somewhere and where every your staying your supposed to give. I don’t want you hurassing me where I am. I said I am not trying to bother you were you are but I have no way of getting a hold of you if something happens to one of these kids and I will not be contacting her going between her to let you know if something is wrong or if something happens. Well I don’t have a phone I guess you can get a hold of me on here. I said no I can’t you have me blocked and you know it. He said I don’t know I will have to look at it later and see about getting that undone. I said and when are you going to give me what you owe me for the kids they need stuff? I will have to see I don’t have money that’s why I don’t have a phone and things now. I said you have close to three grand why don’t you have money and a phone? I have had to buy stuff and things he said. I said well the kids need things too and you owe them. Well I will give it to you when I can. I said I need to know when you are going to give me something. Then he starts yelling at me to just take him to child support enforcement and things. I said so basically what you are saying is you do not care if I can get a hold of you if something was to happen to one of the kids. You do not care that they are sitting here doing without things and need things and may be homeless yet again because of you? He started yelling having a fit and hung up on me.

I said to him you had a grand when you left and you had two checks then you should have no problem giving me the little bit you owe the kids. Not like I am even asking for anything more than what he owes me and things. That is when he started about he had to buy things and pay things. If you have no place to live the only bill you have is your car insurance and food how do you go through almost a grand a week? I was going to tell him too how he has effected my Little Guy and other things as well but he hung up to fast. I also told him if I had to take this back to court I was not going to go to child support I was going to take it to court file contempt on him for not giving me the information, the court the information and everything else. Fine I don’t care do whatever you have to do.

He also asked me about filing his taxes and getting that money back and taking that to cover what he owes me. I told him it would take to long to get that back I needed the money before it would get here. Well I don’t know I will see what I can do then. That is when I asked him when he was going to let me know I needed to know now not in weeks from now? That is when he told me to take it to child support and do what I needed to do. I asked him about their birth certificates and things he swears he don’t have them. I told him I was making a police report and listing them as the only two people who had been in my house so if they got used it would come back on them. I don’t care go ahead they are probably in your truck why don’t you go look there? I said I did and all over the place and the last place I had them was where they are kept and no one been in my house or knows that but you two. I have to look around here a little more but I really do not think they are here and if they are not then I know that he has to have them.

{April 13, 2017}   Spring Break

I have been around but not posting all that much right now. I really haven’t felt like writing or had a lot to say. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. Not a lot going on good or bad right now just life happening. Kids are out on Spring Break and sick. We were at the doctor again two days ago, one has croup again, one has double ear infection, one is wheezing and the other has sines stuff going on.

Father of the year has been here three times this week. He came Saturday and dropped money off about 7 and left, said he had things to do. Then calls at almost 10 to see if he can come over. I told him fine the kids were supposed to be cleaning their room getting rid of stuff, so not headed to bed being a holiday. I told him to help the boys go threw their toys and get rid of some. He was here for hours I was in my room doing stuff on line. The kids are getting ready for bed I come out and the only thing that got done was the bedroom floor sweep. He said he been doing that all that time. It’s a bedroom full of shit there isn’t that much floor to sweep.

Monday he calls and wanted to know if he could come over at almost 630 pm. I told him yes go ahead, my friend Wanda was here she come to stay the night with me. We were going to do her hair and go threw some things when the kids went to bed. I was surprised he showed up in no time. I said I am leaving dinner is in there make it and feed the kids. Me and Wanda took his truck since mine isn’t fixed yet and went to see our other friend J. Then we stopped grabbed something to eat and came home. By then it was midnight he still sat there for two hours or more before he went home. I picked something to drink up on the way home and me and Wanda say outside and had a drink waiting on him to leave. He came out there and hung out for a bit before he finally did.

Then tonight he calls at dinner time again and wants to come over. I picked us up a couple pizza’s and told him stop and grab one we were about to eat if he hadn’t eaten already. Of course he showed up without it. Said he didn’t have $5 to get one. I said well they just sat down to eat if there is any left when they are done I guess you can have some of it. But I wasn’t telling him to eat until they were done and I wasn’t going to buy more pizza if I was going to spend that much on pizza I would have gotten them somewhere else and gotten others we wanted instead of what we got. Besides it isn’t my place to feed him.
He is working normal day time hours since all the kids are on Spring Break and they are working on schools. Normally they work 3 pm, to 1 or 2 in the morning. I like when he works that better, he isn’t calling wanting to come over all hours of the night. It still gives him time to see the kids because he has three day weekends as well. Not that he see’s them then anyway but he has the time if he really wanted to he can’t say he works all the time. I will be happy when school starts back Monday.

Tonight when he was here he said the guy at work told him he is going to talk t the boss about getting him a raise. He said he was going to try and get him another $2 an hour if not at least another $1. Not that the kids will see anything more when he was making more at the other place he still had to be forced to help. I have to hound him to get him to pay what he is supposed to and it is less than he should be paying by at least half or more.

I am just trying to buy my time and get things lined up for me and the kids to move and just track everything and have record of it all for when I have to go to court and ask the judge if we can leave the state. This way I have a good case built as to why being here vs. somewhere else isn’t going to matter when it comes to seeing, and doing for his kids. Because he don’t take them when he is supposed to and hardly see’s them at all. How he pays when and what he wants.


{March 19, 2017}   Stress on Top of Everything

We were sitting here about 230 and Father of The Year called and wanted to know what we were doing. Of course my mom was with him they were a few blocks away they wanted to come over. I been trying to get the house back together since all of us been sick and things. We cleaned up and did some stuff. They said they were going to go get subs and then come over. Of course they got here and it was this wrong that wrong, the floors and how dirty they are. I have dirt by my front door, two dogs, 4 kids and they run around barefoot all the time. I have tile all through my house. We mop at least once a week and most the time twice a week. My walls are a mess they need to be wiped down. I have lived in this house for three years my walls need painted. I can’t just wipe them down the paint will come off the walls. I said well I want to paint but I always have the kids because someone never takes them like they are supposed to. Nothing was said after that about the walls. Then it was how they don’t have shots and to take them and get their tetanus shots. My house is so dirty they are going to get it from my house or the chickens or the animals.

I told them when they called that we were getting ready to go to the thing in the village and that we were leaving between 4 and 5 to go. They ate and had ice cream they brought for them. By then it was a little after 4, I went to my room and got ready why they were finishing up. As the kids got done I washed them up and got them dressed and ready to go. Once everyone was ready I open the door and told them to go get in the truck and gave them the key. At that point my mom was standing here in the floor talking to me I told her I had to go and get outside with the kids. Once she was done we went out and I locked the door talked to them another minute or so and we all left. I wasn’t going to sit here for hours for them to “see” the kids when they have anytime to do that and don’t ever do it.

We got there before 5 I was surprised, we walked around to the different table and looked at what all they had then started doing the actives. The kids got balloon animals, the bounce houses and face painting. The older three tried the rock wall and they all tried the human version of hungry hip o. That was interesting and funny.

The music was good I wanted to see the guy do the chalk demo it was at the end but for some reason they didn’t do it. We left there and headed home and remembered we had to go to the chicken coop. We ran out there and still made it home before dark. I still need to get the light on the truck fixed. The kids had a great time and I didn’t even have to chase them around the park they had enough fun doing the other stuff.

It was nice to just get out and do something just the 5 of us.

{March 11, 2017}   Falling Behind

All though I have been getting out and about and getting things done I have fallen so far behind with applications and paperwork that we need to get done. I missed turning in paperwork I thought was in already, I missed turning more paperwork in Wednesday and have more due this Wednesday that I can’t seem to figure out what we are supposed to be doing. I have to get all the scholarships filled out and done so we can all stay in school and not have to worry about that. One I missed doing last year I thought I turned in the papers and didn’t. I think I can still turn them in and get part of it but not much of it. I just finished filling out Big Girls and Big Guys now I have to get Big Boys fixed from this year and fill out for next so that he gets the full amount this time. Thank God he had it from the last two years we have hardly used that has covered what he needed and still has some left.

I have to get on top of all this. If I don’t I am going to have a huge mess. By the time I get home and have time to think about it in the evenings I don’t because I have such a headache that I can’t stand it. I get the kids fed clothes washed and all that and that is it. I feel bad I missed turning papers in for the 4h fair I hope that we still have time to get them in. I just have so much that I have to take care of that I can’t remember it all and keep track of when it is all due. I barely get my school stuff in on time. When I try to sit down to do things everyone needs something or something and I can’t think. I just need someone to keep track of paperwork and dates and getting it all in.

Then I hear how this or that isn’t done or the house isn’t clean enough or this needs to be done, I need to take the kids here there or do this or that with them from Father of the year. But what does he do for them NOTHING, what does he worry about in a day his-self feeding, working, cleaning, taking care of, bath for, getting ready, getting to places, or anything else no one but his self. While I have my self and 4 other people and everything they are in or do and have. I can’t just get up and go to the store to get bread like I need to right now, I have to get 4 other people ready and take with me. I can’t just go to school Monday morning, I have to make sure 4 other people are dress, have lunch, hair brushed, drinks, snacks, shoes, socks, and get to two different schools before I can think about going. I can’t just get out of school spend the rest of the day relaxing or doing whatever I want, I have to pick kids up, take kids to therapy, chicken coop, store for stuff, doctors, feed stores and anywhere else they may need to go. I then get to come home make sure kids walk dogs, do chores, get dinner cooked, make plates, make sure everyone eats, baths, clothes to wash, animals to be walked, feed, played with, homework for kids, rooms cleaned, teeth brushed, then bedtime and of course no one wants to go to bed so I have to deal with that and a kitchen that needs cleaned a house that needs picked up and bathrooms that need done along with floors that need to be mopped.

While he sits around and does nothing, goes to work goes home to do nothing goes to bed gets up in time to grab something to eat and goes back to work and repeats. Don’t come to see them, don’t call but maybe once a week if he needs something, don’t pay what he is supposed to pay. He paid 4 weeks ago told me he had money the next week never brought it, brought money the following week but just for that week not the week before and have seen or heard nothing this week. I guess I am going to have to find time with everything else I already have to do to go down to the child support enforcement office and get them to do something about this mess.

I have no time for myself every and I am so tired of it. When I do I am so wore out I don’t feel like doing anything. I have wasted this day looking for jobs and just doing nothing. It is almost 330 and I have a ton of shit I needed to do like clean the house out and list some things for sale to get them out of the way. I laid the rugs I got in the living room finally last night but they need to be put down right. It was so late I just opened them and laid them out so the kids had somewhere to play. I didn’t bother to move everything around and put them in right. I am ready to just go through the house and start tossing everything out and getting rid of it but I don’t have the energy to.

My Big Boy has been playing with and helping the little kids today to let me look for jobs and see what paperwork needs to be done and get some of it done. Now I need printer paper because it is gone no one knows what happen to a whole pack I had here. We need bread because two went and had lunch and didn’t bother to say there was none left for the other two to eat. I had no clue it was so late because I was doing all this and hadn’t looked at the clock. I think I am going to pick up some stuff at the store for the grill and grill some pork chops and make yellow rice. Let the kids play in the yard with the dogs and their guinea pigs for a little bit.

Then we lose and house tonight just what I don’t need with all I have to do and we want to go to church tomorrow. At least this week has been a easy week for school work. I have two more things to do between now and tomorrow and then one for Monday.

You know it isn’t that I mind doing it or letting the kids do the different things they do or have the animals they have. I never got to do anything at all but go to school and come home or daycare and come home. We were never allowed to have any kind of pets other than a dog and cat. Even them we had a few dogs that were given away a cat that died and then my dog I had to have put down. We couldn’t have hamsters or anything like that. My mom had birds and that was it really. We didn’t have dogs more than a few months or a year but one. We didn’t do riding, 4h, girl scouts, boy scouts or other activities. It just pisses me off that Father of the year has nothing but his self to take care of, child support to pay and supposed to take the kids 6 over nights a month and for a few ours once a day once a week and he can’t do any of it not even pay his part. He said he would help take them to clubs and he has yet to do that one time. That is why we ended up dropping the dog club it was a day that was just bad for me to do it but he was off work and didn’t have anything to do and wouldn’t take them. Have asked him a month or two to help them with the chickens and he has yet to take 45 minute or hour out of one of his THREE DAY WEEKENDS to do it. Yes that’s right he has a three day weekend every weekend and works from 3 pm to 1 or 2 am. That means there is no reason he can’t pick them up from school Friday and drop them back off Monday.

{September 17, 2015}   So Tired and Stressed

I have not walked out of the house in months to do anything that didn’t have to do with taking someone else somewhere or doing something for someone else. I was supposed to go last weekend then had my accident and things. I’m supposed to go this weekend coming up and now father of the year calls and tells me he is working. Not do I have plan, am I able to keep the kids nothing just to inform me he is working this weekend. My truck still hasn’t made it to the body shop to be pulled and make 100% sure there is nothing else we are missing wrong. Been waiting for a week for a fender to be taken off of it to get it over there. It is three blocks from my house, it should have been taken Monday dropped off and picked up Tuesday. Parts should be here or on there way. But no I have been waiting all this time for him to pull it off and take it around there. He knows I have no money to pay anyone else. If I don’t get it fixed then I am going to have to put my other truck back on the road and it is going to leave him with nothing. You would think he would get it taken care of. I am ready to sell the other one to pay someone to fix this one I’m so pissed. I would give it to someone right now if they could do everything that needs to be done to mine and get it back on the road for me how pissed I am. Yeah I understand he works but I also know that he is helping with nothing at all here for his kids and that he knows we need this to get around. I have my moms truck now and I can’t drive it but to the store and back. Its like everything he just get to it when he gets too it. It can’t keep sitting here at my house like it is either someone is going to stick their nose in shit and call code enforcement again if they haven’t already and when they do I am going to have to move. I can’t move right now nor do I want to I hope to stay here until I move the first of the year and then away from here to somewhere. He is just pissing me off so fucking much right now. Now I have no money to get a lawyer. I am filing the divorce myself and he better not fight it. If he even tries to I am going to tell him you know what I know a lot more than you think I do and X has told his therapist and she will come to court and tell all. Everyone wonders why I hate him more and more every day that goes by why I can’t stand him and could careless anything about him. Everyone says I can’t believe you say this or that or you do this or that or act this way or that way when it comes to him. It’s because I don’t care it don’t bother me to say or do anything because I just don’t care what he thinks, or how he feels or anything else. It sucks because I was at a point I didn’t have any feelings what so ever for him good bad or other wise and now I hate him can’t stand him and just want to knock the hell out of him. I don’t like feeling that way either. But it is what it is and I do and for good reason. If he be a man and help take care of his kids not lie all the time and be halfway normal productive person but he can’t and he never will. It’s probably a good thing he wasn’t standing in front of me a few minutes ago when he called because I probably would have let him have it. I said something about my truck and how long it has been and him working that i had plans and things. He says to me well you shouldn’t have wrecked it and I’m not the one who wrecked it. Like I have nothing better to do or to spend my money on than fixing my truck and risk injuring everyone as well. I just felt like wrecking it that day.

I have told him I need him to take the kids this weekend more than once and that I need a break and everything else. He knows it and then just calls and says I got to work. I do I am so tired and feed up with everything the kids don’t want to listen they are whiny cranky and I am beyond stressed right now. I talk to a friend had plans this weekend and everything. I told him he needs to tell them he don’t have a babysitter that the drop of a hate when they decide the day before he is supposed to be off they want him to work. He won’t he wont’ do anything.

{December 6, 2014}   Am I A Horrible Person

Because all I could think when father of the year called and told me what happen this morning was this just screws everything I been trying to do up. Then I thought I’m not going to let this screw everything up. I am going to proceed with everything just the same no matter if he loses his job or not.

I will hear how I moved or made him leave when he lost his job and blah blah. But he never keeps a job. He had the one doing electrical for so long because they couldn’t keep anyone and he would stay and put up with everything. Since then he didn’t work for two years and has had a new job every 6 months to a year. He is always on the edge of losing his job. This job says he is slow but he dose his job and he dose it right so they keep him. But now he has this huge mess up today this could be it.

But I’m still going to court to get the divorce done no matter what. The only difference it is going to make is the amount of child support he would have to pay. They won’t make him pay very much at all. Probably less than a $100 a month each. At this point I really don’t care as long as they grant the divorce. Once they do that and he gets a new job child support will up what he has to pay if he starts making more money.

As for a place to live he is going to have to figure that out. I won’t tell him he has to move but I am going to move so he will just have to figure out how to keep the bills up here. If he can’t do that then he is on his own. I can’t sit here and keep living this way to just help him out. If I do I will never get away from his what he wants so it won’t make a difference to him. I’m sure he will probably say he is the one that will leave because he won’t be-able to keep the rent and bills paid. That is on him. I didn’t do this because he lost his job if he dose I am doing this because it was already in the works and process of being done before he ever went and screwed up again.

Then even know at his job I am planing on moving because I asked them Friday when I was in there about the truck and things to move out of town. I asked him on the phone a few minutes ago what he was going to do we couldn’t keep living like this just because of whatever happens because of today.

He said he didn’t know he guess he have to sleep in the truck until he got work paid off if he ended up keeping his job and having to pay something. He said he was tired of all ways being screwed in life.

I asked him what that was supposed to mean?

He said nothing he was just tired of always getting the short end of the stick and having nothing and no one cares.

It pissed me off but I had another call coming in. I just said I got to go and hung up. I wanted to say well you done all this no one but you. You hit the car at the auction, you hit the two cars today, your the one that messed up lost or broke your radio and your phone and got the ticket for running the red light. Your the one who was begged for a year or more to change things between us, and given almost another full year to fix it when you decided you wanted to and never did. Your the one that hasn’t followed through with anything you said you were going to do the last few years here now. If you had you would have a place we wouldn’t be living like this and it wouldn’t be a big deal now. The fact of the matter it is true. Things wouldn’t be much different if he had his own places and lost his job than being here and losing his job. He will probably end up homeless again. Only difference is if he is here we all end up that way then he is just going to try and follow me. If he is on his own he has to figure it out for himself and he don’t really have to many options. Other than trying to get a motel room or something. But again not my fault. I am trying to do what I can to get out of here and a way from him. I am trying to do what I can to get the money to take care of the kids. He has stopped me from doing that. He knows I can’t pay daycare it cost to much. I can’t get help if he is here he don’t make enough to cover it either. Now I try to go get support for my daughter and because of him and because of living this way I can’t do that either. If he hadn’t stopped the divorce if he had followed through with the agreement when we moved in here and if he had went back and fixed the divorce like he was supposed to I could have that little bit coming in to help. But since he didn’t and we are still living this way I can’t do anything to her dad for support. The feel she is his and he should take care of her. So even if we were stuck here together when I started getting it I could be helping pay things here but I can’t. Not that I had plan to tell him if or when they started it anyway but still he don’t know that.

All he can think is why did he get shit on in life and why he gets the short end of the stick. Really poor you through yourself a pity party. What about all you put everyone through here, what about the people you hit and totalled their car today who ended up in the hospital? You did the things you did the way you did and now you have to reap what you sow and lately it hasn’t been very good and karma isn’t to nice when she comes back around.

I guess if thinking that way and feeling that way makes me a horrible person I’m just going to have to be a horrible person. I am not keeping this up any longer. I am moving on with everything I have been doing as if nothing ever happen. Because it really didn’t. It happen to him not me.


{October 15, 2014}   Catching Up

I can’t believe it has been over a month since I posted. It has been one hell of a month and a half. As you all know I decided to pull the kids out of school and home school them right before school started back. We decided to take the first month off and just relaxed. September’s lessons were all planed around September 11. I wanted them to really understand it and how where AL Qaeda  started and things like that. Then we did lessons on September 11 and then about the memorials for September 11. I was trying to put together lessons for October and it has been a flop. My oldest is a way staying with her great grandma so I just printed her workbook pages to do why she is gone. She don’t care if she misses things that we do she is more of a just give me the pages let me get them done. I am having a horrible time finding what works for my son. We have went to try and get services with the school board for speech, language and ot. They have been  pleasant to say the least. They are asking questions and things about what he is learning. I have no clue what level he is really on they are pushing math and I have to keep bumping him back to keep from having melt downs and him from freezing up. I finally bumped him back to 1 st grade. We go Friday to get him and my oldest tested to see where they are and where there are gaps that need to be filled in. I am in the process of trying to get a scholarship for him. I am praying I get it because if I do then I can hire a tutor to help him with his math. It will open up more options for curriculum that I can get for him.

My youngest had a 3 hours evaluation last month to see what services they are willing to offer him. I am hoping that they will put him in school but I don’t know if they are going to or not. We finally go to a meeting on Halloween to see what they are willing to offer. Who knows how long it will take them to start them, probably won’t be until school is about to get out knowing them.

Things haven’t been great between me and father of the year. We went camping two Friday’s ago and it was just a breaking point.  The trip was great minus him being there and the huge fight we had all day before we went. I am having problems with the transmission in my truck. I had to borrow my dads van to go on the trip. I told father of the year we needed to leave by 3 to get to where we were going on time. He tells them at work he will work until 2:30. We talked about it and that I would get my dads van the day before so that we could get it packed and all we would have to do is drop the dog off and go. I went and got it and spent the day running around trying to get everything taken care of that needed to be done before we left. He didn’t get home until about 8 that night I told him we needed to get some clothes washed and things packed and the truck packed so we could leave and get there on time. He just ate and walked off and laid down with the little one. I asked him for the suit cases and he said he didn’t know where they were. He didn’t offer to find them or do anything else. The next day things just got worse at time I should be leaving he tells me when I still haven’t found the suit case that oh he forgot it is baried in his closet full of his stuff. When he got home things just got much much worse.

Then he sat here yelling and screaming at me how I don’t care about my son and how I am and what I am again. I told him how much I really hated him and hated him being here and that I want him out of the house and to get his own place that he needs to grow up be a man and stop making everyone miserable. He started about RC and how he was and needed to do and why we aren’t together why he was talking about how I was. My poor little guy was tell him not to yell at his mommy and to leave me alone. I know my older son could hear all that was said and going on. I feel so horrible over it all. We were in other rooms but when father of the year is yelling it as loud as he could and punching holes in doors.

We got in another big fight again Monday because he won’t find a place. He just keeps making excuses like always and talking about how he is just so worried about the kids. He wants to make sure the kids have a place. Really if he wanted to make sure they had a place then he would have filled out the paper work and turned in to keep the house they had lived in most their life. He was hell set on keeping it until they needed a place to stay then stopped trying to keep it and let them take it. leaving us homeless at the holidays. Or when we were in the last house and he would piss the money a way til everything got behind and we lost the place. Refused to come home so that I could go to work. all the same old stuff that he still dose. Like now sitting over there sleeping on the couch in a pill of clothes that needs to be folded. A bunch of stuff that needs to be done with the therapist coming tomorrow. I have said something a few times since he came in and he just looks at me and walks off. There is so much that needs to be done and he says well just do it. I don’t care. Of course he don’t. Would mean he don’t have to do anything but walk in and out as he pleases have a maid, cook, and babysitter like old times. I take care of everything with bills, schooling, doctors, kids, meetings for services, trips with the kids and the home school group. He had a fit because I didn’t have a sitter for the kids why I had to take one to their meeting and he had to take a couple hours off work. Got mad because they were pissed because he asked the day before. He knew that he needed to be here with them weeks before but didn’t bother to ask until the day before. The other meeting I had he showed up at time for us to be there before he come pulling up.

I can’t take it any more living like this. Friday before we left for camping I was locked in the bathroom sitting on the floor with three of the other kids running around doing whatever. I told him and my friend that I was done. I was calling RC and telling him that he needed to get the baby I would drive her to him or whatever but that I was done doing it. I told father of the year that I was calling him to come and get her and that he needed to come be with the other three because I wasn’t doing this any more. So then he had a fit about that and that I couldn’t call her dad and send her to stay with him blah blah. How horrible I was and how I am. He acts like it is such a horrible thing that I think they should be helping and being fathers to their kids. That I am a horrible person because I can’t be here and do this all 24/7 and never be a way from the kids for even an hour or two. If I get time with out them that I am not rushing to get back home or being called and pestered about coming home more than once a year it is a miracle and I am a horrible person for it. But they walk off and either never come around call or pay a penny for anything or stick around and be complete ass and do nothing but make things harder than they already are or have to be.

My friend J’s husband got a job at the shop where father of the year tows for. I have heard how horrible I am how horrible poor father of the year of the year is treated and how horrible I am. And of course the pity party for him. Yet again I am left being the one that is wrong he is Mr. Wonderful. God only knows what RC told them so I am sure they all really think I am who knows what and only makes them feel that much sorrier for him. Although I’m the one here doing it all why they flit around and do nothing or be asses. I guess I should get off here and spent the night doing things that need to be done around here. Because if I don’t do them myself they will never get done. I have been so depressed that all I want to do is sleep and as soon as I get the baby a sleep at night I go to sleep too. Big reason I haven’t been on in so long. I promise I will try be back more.

{July 30, 2014}   Slowly Falling Into Place

It seems like everything is slowly falling into place for me and the kids to finally have our own place soon. I posed a few weeks So Very Blessed about how I had sold my truck, getting a washer and drier and things. First quick update on that. The washer was a very simple fix. Someone had dropped the lid to hard or slammed it. It in turn broke the switch. Well didn’t break it. It just came apart so it wasn’t letting it work right. My grandpa was going to by pass it and just forget it but got to thinking that if once of the kids tried to use it that they may get hurt because it wouldn’t shut off when you open the lid. So he screwed it back together and fixed it right. Father of the year and a friend went down and picked it up so I didn’t have to rent a trailer to get it home.

The guy got the truck working for his wife and they are very happy with it. It is nice not having it sitting here walking around it in the way all the time.

Since then more has been happening, the other guy at father of the years job quite in the middle of his weekend on so he has been working a lot of hours the last few weeks. So that is helpful once the checks catch up and start coming in. We will finally be all caught up with bills this Friday I think. We have to pay car insurance and the water bill plus a small loan he took out this week. But I will have about half the loan to pay back. I had a friend who needed to borrow a little bit of money I knew I was already going to have to get the loan so I let them borrow that. They are going to give it back Friday as well.

They also still need a wrecker driver at work. They told father of the year that he could move up to wrecker once he had been there a little bit. This next week or so will be a year that he has been there and they have yet to move him up. I told him go back in and ask them again why they won’t move him up. So he went in and talk to them and they told him as soon as they find someone to take his place and he gets them a crash course they will move him up and train him. They said is pay won’t really go up much they get a percentage of each call. They said the number of calls he gets will go up plus the cost of each call he goes on goes up by a lot. Instead of being like $35 calls they will be $100’s of each call. Plus they say they get tips more often and a lot better tips. They get millage as well and sometimes they have to go across the state and back. He should be making a good amount more.

I have found a babysitter for the kids that is willing to work with me on hours and price. She knows I am homeschooling the kids so all 4 will be here. The kids love her and she loves the kids so I am sure they will have a lot of fun. She has known my kids since I was pregnant with them. I have known her for about 12 years. I don’t know why I didn’t think of her before I see her all the time just never really thought about asking her. We ran into her last week when we were going to therapy and something said hey ask her so I did and she said yes. With him getting moved up I should have a little more to pay her too. He tells me well when I move up we rotate days off so I will probably only have like one weekend a month off I will get the kids then and the other weeks get them whatever two day’s I’m off. I told him no that wasn’t right I shouldn’t have to keep planing my life, my job, my time and activates around when he is off and is or isn’t going to have the kids. That visitation needed to stay the same and he would need to figure out what he was going to do if he had to work the weekends that he had them. Just like I am going to have to find daycare for the time that I have them if I have to work. Why should I pay extra daycare and plan my life around him and make it easy on him? He said ok but he would like ot have them when he is off as well. I told him that was fine he could have them other times of the week if he wanted and we didn’t have plans. But he had to take them our set days and times as well and he had to do their school work with them the days he had them.

Maybe I am wrong but we are not together I don’t feel I should have to change when he has the kids every week to make it easier on him. I hope to have a pretty set days and times I work so I can plan things with them to do, so we can get school work and things done, and so I can plan things I want to do when I have time and they are with him. I don’t want to every time I want to plan something go oh wait let me check with my ex and see if he is off so I can. Not happening.

If he moves up and is making more than he should have no reason not to move out and get his own place. I told him he should start looking and needs to start saving and he got mad. But oh well the truth hurts. He knew this was not a permanent thing. It wasn’t supposed to have lasted this long. I have started looking for places for him. I have even found him a roommate. I told him the other day I found him a roommate he said ok. I told him who it was he said that would probably work. I just want to get him out of here as soon as I can.

He is also supposed to be seeing about taking his week vacation sometime the next week or so. He is going to see if he can take it after he gets his replacement trained before he starts tow side. That way we can get to the court house and get the stuff with the divorce taken care of. I will be so happy to have it done and over with. We have things we need to get done around the house.

I have been feeling a lot better than I have been the last 2 or 3 months. Knowing that things are turning around and that hopefully he will be moving on very soon. Like I said here in Put On A Good Show, it will slowly kill you having to live this way. Yeah I get up every morning and plaster on my best fake smile and put one foot in front of the other but what is inside is not able to keep putting on the show. Hell I don’t even put on a fake smile to tell the truth everyone tells me all the time I need to smile. My friend said the other day I would say you look good when you smile but I don’t think I have ever seen you smile. But it is nothing new I can remember from way back people telling me I need to smile more. I had one teacher I use to walk by every day on the way to school she always say something about smiling.

I got to stop because I know now I am just rambling. I know there are a few other things going on the few days weeks but I really can’t remember what. But it’s all good and it is all coming this way for a change. Maybe I should go play the lotto I fell lucky.

et cetera
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