My Letter Came

The letter from child support enforcement for the DNA test me and Little Bitty have to go take. I came home to it Friday. It is for the 20th of this month. But they told me as soon as I got it we could come in anytime between getting it and the date on the letter. Since the little ones are in Summer school last week and this week we are going this Friday since their last day is Thursday. Then it is just waiting for him to go to his local office and have his done. I hope he has went or goes soon and don’t wait until the last minute. It takes two or three weeks from the time of the last test. Then they will mail it to all of us.

Once we get the test back we should get a date to go in and figure everything out of a court date to do it. I think they will try to just sit down with each of us at our local offices and do the paperwork and start it as long as we both do everything we are supposed to or asked to. At this point the test is there all there is to figure out is how much ee each are responsible for. And they will go back two years to collect as well. But there really isn’t anything to fight or contest either.

The only thing we may run into problems with is the “parenting plan” as they call it. Because she don’t know him and he isn’t getting her for weeks or months at a time for now. I don’t know if he is going to push seeing her or that kind of thing. I am going to let him know she wants to know him and have a relationship and the ball is in his court if he wants to call her and come see her.

My thing now is how to explain everything to her? If he don’t want to see or talk to her how do I handle that with her. I need to get her back into therapy. It is going to be an eventful week/weekend after doing this test with her. Even more eventful next few months with all this going on.

To Contact or Not Contact

I am really on the fence about trying to contact RC and see if he will have some kind of relationship with Little Bitty. I feel that the sooner the better for her, than waiting until she is a lot older. But then if he says no or gets nasty then what am I supposed to say or do? I could tell her I haven’t talked to him or wasn’t able to get a hold of him. But I don’t want to lie to her. I would rather not try to contact him than to have to tell her he don’t want to talk to her or lie that I didn’t get a hold of him.

I am debating if I should wait until child support contacts him and see if he tries to contact me or what they say about visitation. I am sure they will do a paternity test as well since he is not on the birth certificate and my divorce had not been granted. I had to send a letter in it asked who I had been with if I was married or gotten married in x time frame and all that. I had to put RC on there and Father of the Year. I know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that RC is the father. He knows as well and told Bff and her husband that he knew that he was as soon as we found out a was pregnant.

But this way he can’t say she isn’t his or anything like that. Then it will just be up to him, is he or is he not going to have a relationship with his daughter. Even if just for right now it is by phone for now.

Another part wants to just call him up or message him and be like hey look this is your daughter, you know this, she is asking about you, wants to know about you and to get to know you. Are you going to step up or just keep being a deadbeat like you have been?

I know I can’t say it just like that and that I have to be careful what I say and how I say it.

Then I worry about how it will effect the other kids and their dad not being in the picture. I wonder how things are going to play out come May when me and him go to court and go over the child support and visitation for the three of them. I don’t know if how that will go over because they do not want to go to his house or have anything to do with his new wife. I know the court isn’t really going to care about that and tell me that I have told them this or that. But you know what they know who has been there and who hasn’t. Oldest knows he has told her what he was going to do and he hasn’t bothered to. I also have their writings from school that their teacher wanted to make sure that I got because of what they wrote. About how mom is always here and mom don’t run away and mom is all they have. I wasn’t there when that was written, I didn’t even know anything about the writing project that they were working on much less know what they wrote until I went to their holiday dinner with them. They were hanging on the wall and I found them and read them. You can read what they wrote hereĀ What They Are Thankful For if you haven’t seen it before. This was a dinner he could of came to as well but he had already been gone for months at that time and knew nothing that was going on in their lives.

But I can’t not let her have contact with her dad just because their’s isn’t in the picture. Theirs was for a while when hers wasn’t.

I am going to have to really think about it and figure out what to do. I just feel if I wait it could be another year or more before they get to us and really do anything and we get the test, results, court date and all that. I don’t want to wait years if I am going to do it.

WTF Moment

Boy did I have a what the fuck moment today. I was sitting here at work doing something and the phone rang and I answered it.

This guy with an accent calls me by name and says how are you doing? This is RC!!!

I was confused in a split second wtf, how dose he know where to find me, why is he calling me here, I can’t deal with him right now, no fucking way in hell he is calling me.

I said this is WHO? He said D is is busy today?

When he said that this relief came over me. Thank god I miss understood him and wow he sounded just like him.

He must of heard it in my voice he said what is wrong? I said I thought you said someone else I wondered how they had found me.

After I hung up I thought wow the way I felt when I thought that is who it was on the phone. Why did I feel that way?

I was shocked or surprised whatever you want to call it and annoyed he was calling me at work on their line instead of my cell. I have the same number I had back then and it isn’t hard to find or get. If he could pin point me to where I was working he could of had it too.

I thought I would feel anger or something if or when he came back in the picture but I didn’t at all. It was just a it’s about time lets see where this goes.

I have been thinking about trying to contact him it was like okay now I don’t have to do that and stress about the outcome. So much goes through your head at one time and so fast.

I was relived when it wasn’t him but kind of disappointed at the same time. Disappointed as in now there is still no contact been made and now I still have to decide what to do and how to handle it and how he is going to react.

Tell Her I am Her Dad

Wednesday night when we were all out BFF said something about she would do a lot of things different in life if she could go back or had known.

I said I think about it but I couldn’t if because if I did then I wouldn’t have things I have now and…

She said I wouldn’t trade my kids or change that. I would still have them.

Sleeping Beauty said he would he would was talking about how his kids are. That you know the one says she wants to get to have a dad and get to know him but then tells him he ask to many questions and gets mad when he won’t hand over money every time she decides she needs it. He said he knew it had a lot to do with him not being there and how she was raised. He said he wasn’t allowed to see his kids and things back when she was little.

I said see I have never and will never tell mine they can’t see their kids I have all but begged them to be in their kids lives and they do what they have. It kills me because of the kids and that there are other guys who would kill to be in their kids lives and can’t and have to fight like hell to get anytime with them. They could careless about theirs and how they do them and act like it is no big deal.

I said something about how Little Bitty is bent on I need to find her daddy for her and let her talk to him and that she needs to get to know him and things. I don’t know how he is going to react if I was to get a hold of him and things.

Sleeping Beauty said you know how we can handle that don’t you? I said how? He said tell her she did meet her daddy already, it was me. He said she will be like oh hell no and not want anything else to do with getting a hold of him if she thinks it is me, she hates me. He said tell her she can have that $400 princess car too but I am the new babysitter. She will stop talking about that real fast too. I said she don’t hate you. He said she does if I give her the tv, phone and computer back and let her stay up as late as she wants she would be my best friend but since I told her she couldn’t do that stuff she hates me. It really bothers him that she don’t like him. He don’t understand that she really is not use to having a guy in around or anyone around that wants to have any kind of involvement in their life and really be there for them and be a friend. If he had stuck around and was around more things would change.

We are all talking about getting together and taking the kids camping here soon and we were talking about if he comes and things. Little Bitty won’t like it but I think she will come around when we are out of the house away from things and just having fun and doing things.

I honestly think that is a big thing with him and his comments and then backing off as well. The fact of the way she feels and things toward him. I don’t know if it just bothers him that much or if he feels that I would call things off over the way she feels for some reason. I wouldn’t because I know why she “don’t like” him. It isn’t anything bad it is because of just what I said she isn’t use to anyone else but me. Hell I hated my step dad when he moved in and raised 100 kinds of hell with him for a while before we came to a even playing field and even then I keep him on his toes at times. I never called him my dad. For me that was a huge or the thing he was not my dad and he was not going to act like it in any way shape or form. After I got older a lot older, like adult older or close to it I came around by then he was out of the picture and not living with us anymore but I realized a lot seen a lot and well it is just part of getting older and growing up.

I see how it is hard for kids in that spot being there as a kid myself and not being able to explain how you feel or why. I can understand how it feels from being the adult and put in that spot with kids and them not liking you or wanting you around. After going through it with RC’s kids. But we told them from start I am not trying to take moms place I am just here to take care of you when mom isn’t and when you are with dad. I love you and will treat you just the same as my kids and help you but I know you have mom and mom comes first. But for kids that is still hard to understand. I know my step dad knew i had a dad but I didn’t care.

I had another friend tell me to let him know he would talk to Little Bitty on the phone and tellĀ  her he was her dad and talk to her like he was. He just tell her since he was out of state they could only talk on the phone not see each other.

I can’t do that to her. I know they don’t mean no harm or in a bad way they are just trying to be helpful and feel bad for her. But going about it that way is not the way to go. If they wanted to step up and say hey I’m not your dad but I am here for you if you need to talk, want to do something or just need a dad like person for something that would be fine. That wouldn’t bother me but doing something like they said I can’t do, I can’t lie to my kid and I am not going to do something that can or will hurt her more in the long run when she finds out. I am not asking or expect them to do that.

Five Pounds In The Wrong Direction

All last week all I wanted to do was eat and I did. I ate anything and everything. I gained 5 lbs. This week has been the same so far and I am not even going to step on the scale again anytime soon. I have been in a funk up and down mood swings lately. I think it is just the time of the year. We are coming up on 4 years my dad has been gone. The first two months of the year are when everything happened. I know I have never fully dealt with it and subconsiully its there even when he isn’t on my mind. Lately he is on my mind all the time.

I have decided I am just going to get through the rest of this month and next month. Then I will worry about where I am and how much I need to lose from there. I have been doing really good this far with little effort it it takes a little to get back on track it’s okay.

A New Judge

I received an email back from the judge’s Judicial Assistant. She said he no longer handles family law cases, I have to contact the clerk of court and see who they are giving my case to now. I have to do that this week and hopefully get an email sent to them. I hope they will just update it and send it to me rather than make me go back to court. While the judge the first time was all worried about me not doing things right and not having a lawyer i did everything right and the judge is the one who messed it up. It was in both sets of paperwork I filed and they still missed it. And it was discussed in court the day we went for the divorce.

Guess Who Never Called

Thats right you guessed it Father Of The Year never called to meet and see the kids. I gave him a time and day. He just had to call confirm it and what park. Did he no didn’t even bother to try. We know he has a phone because boss was trying to message and call him on it. So can’t use that as an excuse. If he didn’t when boss told him he could of used his. He would of let him.

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