Single___Parent___Life











{June 10, 2019}   My Letter Came

The letter from child support enforcement for the DNA test me and Little Bitty have to go take. I came home to it Friday. It is for the 20th of this month. But they told me as soon as I got it we could come in anytime between getting it and the date on the letter. Since the little ones are in Summer school last week and this week we are going this Friday since their last day is Thursday. Then it is just waiting for him to go to his local office and have his done. I hope he has went or goes soon and don’t wait until the last minute. It takes two or three weeks from the time of the last test. Then they will mail it to all of us.

Once we get the test back we should get a date to go in and figure everything out of a court date to do it. I think they will try to just sit down with each of us at our local offices and do the paperwork and start it as long as we both do everything we are supposed to or asked to. At this point the test is there all there is to figure out is how much ee each are responsible for. And they will go back two years to collect as well. But there really isn’t anything to fight or contest either.

The only thing we may run into problems with is the “parenting plan” as they call it. Because she don’t know him and he isn’t getting her for weeks or months at a time for now. I don’t know if he is going to push seeing her or that kind of thing. I am going to let him know she wants to know him and have a relationship and the ball is in his court if he wants to call her and come see her.

My thing now is how to explain everything to her? If he don’t want to see or talk to her how do I handle that with her. I need to get her back into therapy. It is going to be an eventful week/weekend after doing this test with her. Even more eventful next few months with all this going on.



{March 26, 2019}   To Contact or Not Contact

I am really on the fence about trying to contact RC and see if he will have some kind of relationship with Little Bitty. I feel that the sooner the better for her, than waiting until she is a lot older. But then if he says no or gets nasty then what am I supposed to say or do? I could tell her I haven’t talked to him or wasn’t able to get a hold of him. But I don’t want to lie to her. I would rather not try to contact him than to have to tell her he don’t want to talk to her or lie that I didn’t get a hold of him.

I am debating if I should wait until child support contacts him and see if he tries to contact me or what they say about visitation. I am sure they will do a paternity test as well since he is not on the birth certificate and my divorce had not been granted. I had to send a letter in it asked who I had been with if I was married or gotten married in x time frame and all that. I had to put RC on there and Father of the Year. I know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that RC is the father. He knows as well and told Bff and her husband that he knew that he was as soon as we found out a was pregnant.

But this way he can’t say she isn’t his or anything like that. Then it will just be up to him, is he or is he not going to have a relationship with his daughter. Even if just for right now it is by phone for now.

Another part wants to just call him up or message him and be like hey look this is your daughter, you know this, she is asking about you, wants to know about you and to get to know you. Are you going to step up or just keep being a deadbeat like you have been?

I know I can’t say it just like that and that I have to be careful what I say and how I say it.

Then I worry about how it will effect the other kids and their dad not being in the picture. I wonder how things are going to play out come May when me and him go to court and go over the child support and visitation for the three of them. I don’t know if how that will go over because they do not want to go to his house or have anything to do with his new wife. I know the court isn’t really going to care about that and tell me that I have told them this or that. But you know what they know who has been there and who hasn’t. Oldest knows he has told her what he was going to do and he hasn’t bothered to. I also have their writings from school that their teacher wanted to make sure that I got because of what they wrote. About how mom is always here and mom don’t run away and mom is all they have. I wasn’t there when that was written, I didn’t even know anything about the writing project that they were working on much less know what they wrote until I went to their holiday dinner with them. They were hanging on the wall and I found them and read them. You can read what they wrote here What They Are Thankful For if you haven’t seen it before. This was a dinner he could of came to as well but he had already been gone for months at that time and knew nothing that was going on in their lives.

But I can’t not let her have contact with her dad just because their’s isn’t in the picture. Theirs was for a while when hers wasn’t.

I am going to have to really think about it and figure out what to do. I just feel if I wait it could be another year or more before they get to us and really do anything and we get the test, results, court date and all that. I don’t want to wait years if I am going to do it.



{February 16, 2019}   WTF Moment

Boy did I have a what the fuck moment today. I was sitting here at work doing something and the phone rang and I answered it.

This guy with an accent calls me by name and says how are you doing? This is RC!!!

I was confused in a split second wtf, how dose he know where to find me, why is he calling me here, I can’t deal with him right now, no fucking way in hell he is calling me.

I said this is WHO? He said D is is busy today?

When he said that this relief came over me. Thank god I miss understood him and wow he sounded just like him.

He must of heard it in my voice he said what is wrong? I said I thought you said someone else I wondered how they had found me.

After I hung up I thought wow the way I felt when I thought that is who it was on the phone. Why did I feel that way?

I was shocked or surprised whatever you want to call it and annoyed he was calling me at work on their line instead of my cell. I have the same number I had back then and it isn’t hard to find or get. If he could pin point me to where I was working he could of had it too.

I thought I would feel anger or something if or when he came back in the picture but I didn’t at all. It was just a it’s about time lets see where this goes.

I have been thinking about trying to contact him it was like okay now I don’t have to do that and stress about the outcome. So much goes through your head at one time and so fast.

I was relived when it wasn’t him but kind of disappointed at the same time. Disappointed as in now there is still no contact been made and now I still have to decide what to do and how to handle it and how he is going to react.



{February 16, 2019}   Tell Her I am Her Dad

Wednesday night when we were all out BFF said something about she would do a lot of things different in life if she could go back or had known.

I said I think about it but I couldn’t if because if I did then I wouldn’t have things I have now and…

She said I wouldn’t trade my kids or change that. I would still have them.

Sleeping Beauty said he would he would was talking about how his kids are. That you know the one says she wants to get to have a dad and get to know him but then tells him he ask to many questions and gets mad when he won’t hand over money every time she decides she needs it. He said he knew it had a lot to do with him not being there and how she was raised. He said he wasn’t allowed to see his kids and things back when she was little.

I said see I have never and will never tell mine they can’t see their kids I have all but begged them to be in their kids lives and they do what they have. It kills me because of the kids and that there are other guys who would kill to be in their kids lives and can’t and have to fight like hell to get anytime with them. They could careless about theirs and how they do them and act like it is no big deal.

I said something about how Little Bitty is bent on I need to find her daddy for her and let her talk to him and that she needs to get to know him and things. I don’t know how he is going to react if I was to get a hold of him and things.

Sleeping Beauty said you know how we can handle that don’t you? I said how? He said tell her she did meet her daddy already, it was me. He said she will be like oh hell no and not want anything else to do with getting a hold of him if she thinks it is me, she hates me. He said tell her she can have that $400 princess car too but I am the new babysitter. She will stop talking about that real fast too. I said she don’t hate you. He said she does if I give her the tv, phone and computer back and let her stay up as late as she wants she would be my best friend but since I told her she couldn’t do that stuff she hates me. It really bothers him that she don’t like him. He don’t understand that she really is not use to having a guy in around or anyone around that wants to have any kind of involvement in their life and really be there for them and be a friend. If he had stuck around and was around more things would change.

We are all talking about getting together and taking the kids camping here soon and we were talking about if he comes and things. Little Bitty won’t like it but I think she will come around when we are out of the house away from things and just having fun and doing things.

I honestly think that is a big thing with him and his comments and then backing off as well. The fact of the way she feels and things toward him. I don’t know if it just bothers him that much or if he feels that I would call things off over the way she feels for some reason. I wouldn’t because I know why she “don’t like” him. It isn’t anything bad it is because of just what I said she isn’t use to anyone else but me. Hell I hated my step dad when he moved in and raised 100 kinds of hell with him for a while before we came to a even playing field and even then I keep him on his toes at times. I never called him my dad. For me that was a huge or the thing he was not my dad and he was not going to act like it in any way shape or form. After I got older a lot older, like adult older or close to it I came around by then he was out of the picture and not living with us anymore but I realized a lot seen a lot and well it is just part of getting older and growing up.

I see how it is hard for kids in that spot being there as a kid myself and not being able to explain how you feel or why. I can understand how it feels from being the adult and put in that spot with kids and them not liking you or wanting you around. After going through it with RC’s kids. But we told them from start I am not trying to take moms place I am just here to take care of you when mom isn’t and when you are with dad. I love you and will treat you just the same as my kids and help you but I know you have mom and mom comes first. But for kids that is still hard to understand. I know my step dad knew i had a dad but I didn’t care.

I had another friend tell me to let him know he would talk to Little Bitty on the phone and tell  her he was her dad and talk to her like he was. He just tell her since he was out of state they could only talk on the phone not see each other.

I can’t do that to her. I know they don’t mean no harm or in a bad way they are just trying to be helpful and feel bad for her. But going about it that way is not the way to go. If they wanted to step up and say hey I’m not your dad but I am here for you if you need to talk, want to do something or just need a dad like person for something that would be fine. That wouldn’t bother me but doing something like they said I can’t do, I can’t lie to my kid and I am not going to do something that can or will hurt her more in the long run when she finds out. I am not asking or expect them to do that.



All last week all I wanted to do was eat and I did. I ate anything and everything. I gained 5 lbs. This week has been the same so far and I am not even going to step on the scale again anytime soon. I have been in a funk up and down mood swings lately. I think it is just the time of the year. We are coming up on 4 years my dad has been gone. The first two months of the year are when everything happened. I know I have never fully dealt with it and subconsiully its there even when he isn’t on my mind. Lately he is on my mind all the time.

I have decided I am just going to get through the rest of this month and next month. Then I will worry about where I am and how much I need to lose from there. I have been doing really good this far with little effort it it takes a little to get back on track it’s okay.



{October 21, 2018}   A New Judge

I received an email back from the judge’s Judicial Assistant. She said he no longer handles family law cases, I have to contact the clerk of court and see who they are giving my case to now. I have to do that this week and hopefully get an email sent to them. I hope they will just update it and send it to me rather than make me go back to court. While the judge the first time was all worried about me not doing things right and not having a lawyer i did everything right and the judge is the one who messed it up. It was in both sets of paperwork I filed and they still missed it. And it was discussed in court the day we went for the divorce.



{September 8, 2018}   Guess Who Never Called

Thats right you guessed it Father Of The Year never called to meet and see the kids. I gave him a time and day. He just had to call confirm it and what park. Did he no didn’t even bother to try. We know he has a phone because boss was trying to message and call him on it. So can’t use that as an excuse. If he didn’t when boss told him he could of used his. He would of let him.



So it is the 3rd I have not heard from Father of The Year or his boss. I finally messaged his boss and asked if I could meet up with him. He said yes, we were both out and about so we met up at the little store. He gave me the money and it was $50 short. I ask him about it he said he thought that was what we agree to and blah blah. I said no it is on the paper. He said look at it let him know. I sent it to him again after I left it has the date and everything on it.

He called me back later of course I had the kids in the car. Said they had agree to what he gave me that by time his rent comes out and truck what he gives me he only has about $200 a week. I said well you know that is on him he decided to not pay all this time and get behind. I said I am lucky to bring home $600/$800 a month and I have 5 people to take care of. He said 5? I said me and 4 kids 3 are his.

I said I already am giving and compromising enough because he is supposed to pay half of all their medical bills, half of their clothing, school supplies and anything else they need as well. So yes he needs to pay what was agreed to and put in the letter. I said and for that matter he is supposed to be paying for a baby sitter every weekend that he don’t have them. I said he is supposed to have them Friday until Monday if he don’t he is to pay a sitter if one is needed. I said but instead my 14 year old is forced to do it every weekend for free that isn’t right.

He said well he didn’t know about all that and he knows what he has and all this and it be this way or something. He was going to talk to them again and things. I said well you know like I said it could be costing him a lot more than the little he is forced to give. Because if I go to court they are going to make him pay this plus half of everything else.

Then he started about he wants to know when he could see the kids. He wants me to drop them off at the park with him and his new wife. I said my kids already told him they do not want to be around her and want nothing to do with her. I said and no one has ever said he could not see them. I said he has been able to see them whenever he wants he decided not to. I said June or July he seen my oldest in the store ran and hid then promised her he was going to come see her he was going to start paying and that they would see him on their terms not his it was up to them. I said the weekend came and went he never called or showed. Weeks later when we seen him same thing he couldn’t talk he get a hold of her this weekend. He never did no one seen or heard from him and that was over a month ago when I talk to you that first day.

He says he made the comment he wanted to see them if you bring them to the park and he wants to talk to them. He wants them to accept her that is his wife now and things. I said the way she did them and me they want nothing to do with her. But they will see him. I said and this does not need to go through a 3rd party he needs to come to me set this up not this back and forth with a third party. He said I think you scare him and intimidate him. Bah ha ha. I said well he needs to grow up act like an adult and if he wants to see them pay what he is supposed to and then contact me himself and set up to see them.

All this it is like I am being looked down upon and just want his money. They act like I just want it to go out and party on and blow. Like I told him every penny of it goes to the kids. It isn’t going anywhere else. But then I am made to feel like I am wrong for expecting him to pay his part so kids have what they need and want.

This right here all of it is 100% why I have not bothered with trying to get anything from him. Its just run around after run around. Then he is going to start and force them to see him and have her there. Try to force them to go over there.

If I had thought of it I told him he had an option to get it of it all. He can give up all his rights and keep all his money. But he don’t want to. I compromised by taking the amount we agree to and now he wants to cry over $50. No done.



{August 4, 2018}   The Yard Guy

So last night when he messaged me he said I needed to get out. I said I knew. It was late he was already off line. A few hours later he ask if I would let him take me. I never replied until later this morning after I got to work and finished up some things. I just sent a little face kind of thinking. He asked what? I said nothing just thinking.

He said: Look I’m not trying to be wierd or anything I just want to see you have a smile on your face hun.

At this point I am thinking he is like probably 26 give or take a year. I was thinking he was probably around 20/21 years back when he was around and cut the yard. I was going to bring it up and let him know just as friends nothing else.

So I said alright. He was like what? I said I’ll go. He ask when? I told him I worked Sat,Sun,Tues and Wednesday nights for him to tell me.

What do you do ? And I mean who’s all going ? Is it me and you or no?

I sent him a picture of our logo with the name and things on it. He ask what that was. I told him he didn’t know what it was. I told him we lock you in a room and you have one hour to figure out puzzles and get the code to get out the door.

He said that sounds like fun my job. I said it can be interesting at times. That I liked handcuffing some and locking them in. Is it supposed to be like a kinky job? He said. I laughed my boss looked at me like i was crazy. I told him he was laughing.

Then he is asking me can I tell you something without you getting mad or exposing me on facebook?

I said yeah what’s that?

He said I like you.

I just said yeah. Thinking nope this is not going to happen. He is to young.

He said yeah like I want to take you on a date. I like you and want to hang out with you.

Ok .. so can I tell you a secret then. He says

I wanted to kiss you.. you’re so beautiful to me!

By this point I am laughing, I looked like hell when he was here. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to borrow my glasses get another look. All the while I am still trying to figure out how old he really is. I am thinking he looks young but he talking to me maybe he is older than he looks but im still thinking can’t be he looks to young.

Then I get…Would you let me ? If I come over there . Would u give me one as a birthday present? That would be the best present ever.

BAM!! Now I can bring up age see how old he is. I’m like oh it’s your birthday? So how old are you?

I get 20

I sent back…..20!!!???

He laughed said is that bad?

I asked him how old he thought I was?

He says……In the 40’s but is that a problem? Is my age a problem?

Now I’m like 40s REALY???!!!

I said I am 37.

See younger than I thiug I was think 42 -45 so that’s good .. would you let me ?

I did not say it to him but I am thinking WTF 42-45? I knew I looked like hell but I did not think I looked that bad.

I said can I ask you a question? He never answered until later in the evening. I figured he was working. He asked what.

Why are you interested in me? At your age? A single mom with 4 kids almost twice your age?

Well your just very nice . And that your very pretty. He started about how he just wanted to kiss me out there the other day. How he still does and everything. I’m like dying over here.

We joked and talked a little more he was asking to come see me today before or after work. About wanting to kiss again. I said i don’t know wht your so stuck on that and me I am nothing special.

He said because it make him happy.

I said why you could go find anyone?

He said why not? I just said I don’t get it. He I think got mad he said I’m going to bed. I said okay goodnight.

He kept talking and talking to me when he was here and getting close to me. I don’t know I really don’t get it.

I told my friend I either get these that are way to young (they keep getting younger) or the ones my age or older want a baby to start over or i scare them. Its like what the hell. Can I catch a break find a decent one close to my age that isn’t just looking for sex, i don’t scare and who don’t want a baby or to get married? For real isn’t there anyone out there?

I was at my friends hair place when he come out with being 20. She like he is just a baby!! I said I know he way to young. I said he can’t even drink this is never going to work. Joking but he really can’t. Someone said you have a driver. Nope not happening. He is only 5.5 years older than my oldest. If she was 18 and legal they could date. They could date in 3.5 years if they wanted to. That I would be okay with he seems like a decent kid he working hard doing his own thing. Has been working for years. But he is to young for me.

He see’s nothing wrong with our ages. I know some really feel age don’t matter if both are legal and want it. But really don’t it at some point still just seem wrong or become a problem? Or is it just me and my thinking? I mean I could really be his mother. I could have kids his age. Someone said you are talking to guys that are 8 or 9 years older. I am but they are not old enough to be my dad. I wouldn’t date a guy that much younger than me even though i would date one that much older.

I’m not trying to be no cougar lol

I guess to I just thought of writing that. He isn’t looking for a relationship either probably being so young. He just looking for a good time or whatever. I am looking for the relationship. Im past the good time or if it works ok if not oh well. I don’t know.

He says same as the rest your so nice, your so easy to talk to, i like being around you, talking to you. But then its you make me nervous, you scare me.

I told my friend the older ones know I am all that they say it. But they know I also don’t have to put up with their crap and i am not scared to say something or drop them in a second. The younger ones are to young and don’t get it all understand it all. They to stupid to it all to be scared. 😂. I can’t find one that is in the middle that i am on the same page with.

Now I see why this one kept saying you need to go out relaxe you need a break. You need to go out to eat. He kept making it a point to say somewhere to eat. Because he can’t drink. Wow. I knew he was way to young give benefit to doubt i shouldn’t have.



{July 26, 2018}   I Would Get Married Again

I have been thinking about what I want in life, where I want to go, what I want to have, who I want to be with, how I want that relationship to look and work, what I want from it, what I am willing to give.

The thought of so many guys wanting to get married and have kids this late in life. It just still blows my mind. Marriage and having kids are no go for me. They have been deal breakers and no budging on them.

Now thinking about this I can 100% see where RC was coming from with somethings. Back to that later but it just hit like bricks.

I was thinking a lot about what and how much am I willing to put into a relationship. How do I make someone see why I feel that way? Make them see it is not anything to do with them but me and things I been thorough.

Like with these two and others wanting to get married and have a baby. Well one says no now but actions speak louder than words. But I have been thinking about this because it seems to be what guys want. Thinking about the baby and the one. I know how much kids mean to him and he didn’t get to be there for his when they were little. I know how much that bothers him. But I can not give him a baby. And the reasons are along the same lines as to why he wants more. I don’t because of the way my kids have been done by their fathers. Not saying he would do that but I don’t want to put another child through a break up amd broken home. I am not “looking” for a “daddy” for my kids never have been never will be. But one thing regardless is that whomever I end up with is going to have to like my kids and be a part of the family. My kids are to little for me to be the go between for the next 13 years. I want someone it isn’t forced or awkward. That is one thing I liked about Sleeping Beauty he got along with the kids and wanted to do things and talk with them be there for them. You could tell he cared about them. They took to him and liked having him around. I can’t give him a baby but I can give him 4 great kids who care about him and like having him around. That need a strong male roll model in their lives. I can promise him that I am not going to just up and decide that this is not what I want or that he did something to piss me off or find someone else and leave. That if we have a problem I am going to come to him and work it out. They just have to be willing to talk and work it out not run or avoid it. I don’t want to fight I just want to sit down and work it out. I have fought to much in my life I just want to be happy and work things out. So if being a part of a family who is going to truely care about him and wants to have him I can offer that. But I can’t give him a baby.

Now the marriage part I never wanted to do it the first time muchless do I want to do it a second time. But when thinking about all this yesterday it kind of hit me that either one of them could step in and really be there for my kids and be close to my kids. And if it really worked out and things do not improve with their dad they would have them to fill that and that would be fine as long as it came about on its own between them and not forced or pushed. It wouldn’t be, just like when I was with RC. The kids were given their space to decide how and what kind of relationships they had with us. Some warmed up faster than others. But if it came down to it and we really became a tight knitt close family and they took him in as dad and he took them in as his I would consider marrying again. And really making us a family. If their dads didn’t come back into the picture even letting them adopt them. But that would be the only way I would consider getting married again.

Now I can see what RC was talking about getting married and adopting his boys. But we not been together near long enough to consider that at that point. I had to much other stuff to worry about and take care of before we could of gotten to that point. But i see wanting to do that if things are good everyone is close and the other parent isn’t in the picture.  If the kids wanted it.

I am sure it probably would never come to that. But just thinking about things in a different state of mind really lets you see things that maybe you didn’t before or understand them better. Thinking about it does seem that he did really care and wanted more but that his problem did get in the way and her coming in the picture when she did wasn’t a good idea. But everything happens for a reason and maybe like this and other things I will figure it out and where I am supposed to be now.



et cetera
%d bloggers like this: