Single___Parent___Life











After reading those old post and writing 4:30 A.M. I started thinking about JW. I just wanted to get up and go over there and crawl inbed and be held.

I snuggled in my big quilt and laid here in the dark thinking. My thoughts went back to wanting to be held and feel safe. I just had this feel come over me and the thought of how greatful I am for JW and the way he treats me.

Then I though not greatful but Thankful? But both just felt weird to say or feel. As I looked for the right word to describe how I felt and thought I just couldn’t think of it.

Then it came to me. It is both greatful and thankful and loved I was feeling. I guess thankful and greatful struck me as off to describe how I felt about him. Because isn’t it odd to be thankful the man you are in a relationship with don’t abuse you?

I mean isn’t that just one of those unspoken this is how it is supposed to be things in a relationship? Isn’t it assumed when you agree to be with someone or decide to be that no one is going to abuse any one? That leaves nothing on the table to have to be thankful for.

But I guess with someone like me who has been in an extremely abusive relationship that idea of what can or might or will happen is always on the table. Even if only in our subconscious and we don’t realize it.

So when we find someone who don’t do these things we are thankful. And it just feels so weird to use because it is not a feel we should have to feel. We should of never been abused the first time around. When we were it took things away from us.

We can’t just have a normal relationship. We can’t just love and be loved. We can’t just have a disagreement and everything is fine. Because our brains have been rewired to feel all things that happen in a relationship are bad. That they are about being lied to, yelled at, hit and so much more. That we aren’t really loved or that that is love. I don’t know which of those two are worse really. I think probably thinking that that is love, being abused is being loved. (That is another post in its own)

When our brains have been rewired in such a way, subconsciously we always look at everything different than those who have not been abused. I have said it before our poor partners are under a microscope. We are looking extra hard trying to figure out their motivation is for doing whatever they done. Because in our minds they didn’t do it just to be nice because they love us. In our minds they don’t really love us either so there is no way they did it because of that. We have their love under that scope too looking for why? Because the last person who said it was only out for their self. This one must be too. We can’t be stupid like we were before and fall for it this time too. So we crank in even more with that microscope and look even harder.

So if and when it hits you like it did me last night it don’t feel right to us. It feels wrong to feel loved. It feels uncomfortable. All while feeling slightly good. You want to be able to feel it, you want to let go and open up and really let that other person and what they have to offer in and believe them. But how do you do that when it feels so uncomfortable or bad almost?

Before I go let me just say, I have never thought or worried for a minute that JW would ever treat me anywhere close to how I was treated when I was married. But as I said when you come from something like that subconsciously it is always there until if and when you can have that moment of this is okay.



et cetera
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