After dealing with R.C and Father of The Year I don’t like me. I don’t like the way I feel in a relationship anymore. I don’t like that I can’t decide if there really is something wrong or if it’s just me. I hate how needy and clingy I feel.

I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel that closeness, that connection, that bond. I feel like friends and not even friends with benefits. It’s so hard to explain or for me to even under really. I know things are all messed up because of the way things are right now with the kids not knowing. Nothing being open not being able to do things go places. And then there is the issue of sex and things as well. It is all just getting to me. The fact I hate my life right now the way me and the kids are living. The fact I can’t get out of it. Everyone is unhappy.

But things with JW were good and I was happy there other than the one issue we have going on. But I was still happy and still felt loved and like a couple. Now I just don’t know, I feel like when it comes to affection and things he keeps me at arms length. At the same time. I feel like maybe it’s just me and how I am that makes me feel that way. Or maybe I’m not getting close or letting him be closer because I’m scared of the bottom falling out and getting hurt.

I know we have been together 7/8 months we are falling into that normal for us routine. Thing’s aren’t going to be like they were in the bargaining. The new is fading this is us now. But at the same time I feel like we are pulling away from each other. Well I feel he is and I am wanting to be clingy and need that extra. I was never that way before. But it’s like once we hit that settled this is us, this is our normal then it is going to end. Because when I get comfortable it always ends. How do I get past that feeling? How do I get past the feeling of needing that extra from him?

I think he is happy he called me every night he was away not just the one time I asked him to. He stayed on the phone for an hour or more everytime. He keeps telling me now how he can’t wait until things are different we have a place together. How he can’t wait to fall a sleep with me and wake up to me in the morning. How much better we will both sleep and talks about wanting to take the kids and do stuff with them spend time with them do for them. This is just random out of the blue not like we will be talking about things or anything.

I can’t get past the feeling he just settled either. I know everyone is different. But then he say’s why didn’t we see each other back in the day. Why didn’t we talk before now. Had I known what was going on and thing’s. He wish we gotten together years ago when we found each other.

He ask what’s wrong sometimes and I say nothing. He don’t like it but he don’t push it. But I don’t know how to tell him or if I should. Some thing’s I want him to know there is an issue with still. I want to tell him how I feel and that I am scared. But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel he is doing something wrong or I am saying it’s his fault. Just how I feel and what I need right now. I keep telling myself the way things are is my fault once things change maybe it will be better. Not to say anything or he may leave. I think i don’t want him to leave. But at the same time it’s like okay fine let him if that is to much for him. Better to find out now than later on. But i so want to be with him and care about him and feel good about us all as a family. I don’t want to lose him. I just don’t know anymore.

{September 10, 2019}   5 Days Off

It has been so hard to get caught up and get back into the swing of things after having  days off and running around and dealing with all that. I am tired but a different kind of tired than normal I just don’t know how to explain it or understand. My good friend said depression but this is different. I think that it is just that for about three days I laid around and didn’t do anything but listen to her complain that I wasn’t doing anything and listening to her freak out about how bad it is going to be. But I mostly just stayed in my room with the door closed and laid around or played with the kids.

I think it is just having that time to truly not do anything I needed and now my body is fighting going back to that daily routine of being neglected ran down and wore out. I am at my day job now and have a ton of things to do here and just don’t want to move to do them. Not that I don’t want to or feel like it. I want to do something just not work. You know how everyone says it’s such a nice day to nice to be working. I always just feel like it is just another day. Today I feel like closing up shop and going somewhere doing something getting out and living. But I have to get work for tomorrow, Thursday and Friday and I need to clean the shop area. I cleaned everything else Monday and Thursday. It was a mess since the cleaning lady hadn’t been here I did a deep clean but hadn’t had time to get the shop. I did the store, my office, the bathroom and the little break area.

I guess I better get off here and get something done besides watching netflix and writing. I have been here less than an hour and it feels like all day already. I have been a way for so long. I felt I should pop in and let you all know that I’m good and will try to be back more this week. It has given me a chance to read more and catch up with you all. So that is good.

This is to anyone out there that has children. I do not care if you have one or ten. If you were or were not married, abused, lived together or apart. It does not matter if they all have the same dad or different dads or the same mom or different moms.

Your children did not ask for you all to be their parents, they did not do anything to cause whatever happen between the two of you as partners to no longer be. They are just helpless inecent by standard’s sent her and told to love these two people and count on them for everything.

If something happens and you split up don’t let them ever feel it was because of them, or that there is/was something they could of done. I do not care how much you may hate eachother, what one did to caused this, or anything else. Never talk poorly about the other parent infront of or to your children, do not try to point out their flaws and imperfections. Because it just magnifies yours more than it shines light onto theirs.

If you have children that are from a broken relationship do everything you can to cultivate that relationship betwen your child/children and that other parent. Do not ever tell a child they can not see, talk to or spend time with their other parent. Do not put stipulations on their relationship, such as they can only talk to other parent x times a week on x days for z minutes at z time of day. If that child wants to talk to that other parent 5 or 10 times a day that is fine. Do not say they didn’t pay, they aren’t paying. It don’t matter it is still their parent. Handle that between the adults and keep the kids out of it. If the other parent can’t pay for some reason then they need to step up a little and help how they can in other ways. Until they can pay again.

Parents do not walk away from your children because you found a new boyfriend or girlfriend or because your mad at the other parent and do not want to have anything to do with them. You are the adults here suck it up and deal so you can see your children. Don’t walk buy them in public or ignore their phone calls or messages. Do not make empty promises be open and honest with them. They are more understanding and forgiving than you think, if you are open and honest from start. You can only make so many empty promises, lie, before they see right through you and will start to not believe anything you say.

Your children need their parents in their lives not just one but both. When one pushes the other our or one just walks out it damages them more than you will ever know. Keep the adult stuff between the adults and just be there for your child.

I know you feel it isn’t fair because no one knows what he/she did to you. What you have been through, or why you really split. The other one is lying this is what really happen, this is what they are doing, the kids need to know so……

No the kids do not need to know. You do not need to tell them mommy this or daddy that. They may do things you don’t like or things they shouldn’t. But kids are not stupid they maybe to little to see it right now but they will as they get older. Give that other parent the rope they will hang themselves. It may take a while but your kids will get their number and see it all. Even then it is not for you to interfere with. Let them handle it how they feel they want to handle it. That is still their other parent and that is still their relationship to form and let grow how they want with what they know.

Trust me I know how hard it is to sit back and say nothing when the other parent is playinf parent of the year and they have only been around 1/10 of the year but the kids are falling all over them. Just because wow they want to see them for a change. Its okay they need that let them have it. Don’t rain on their happiness. Its okay to be mad and vent. Vent away.. To a friend, your blog, your family but not your children.

{April 29, 2018}   The Best Medication

I have been on this new medication for about a week now, maybe a few days more. I have to say I feel so much better, maybe better than I have ever really felt. I wasn’t sure about taking it at first, then asked my really good friend I was really not sure.

But I took it anyway, the first night was hell. I think it was a combination of the pill, pms and just being depressed already. I was worried things would get worse the more I took. But I have kept taking it anyway. I kind of forgot about it, taking it has just become a . I just take it and forget it. The last few days I noticed, I am sleeping better at night, I wake up feeling like I slept, I feel good when I wake up. I don’t feel like I am forcing myself to get up and do things. I just do them. I don’t feel like I just want to go back to bed all the time or like i want to be in bed. I hope it last and I don’t have to chang again. I don’t feel depressed or down and things. It’s like this huge thing has been lifted off me. I almost feel like I have been sleeling all this time and now I have woke up.

It’s nice to feel goid even with things like not getting that job happening, I was upset but it was a different kind of upset. It felt normal not extreme, like I feel kg is a lot of times.

{November 19, 2017}   A Long Day and Night

I just woke up in a horrible funk today, feeling very depressed and down. I woke up at 9 am something and by 10 I was already thinking about starting to drink for the day. I have not drunk in a long time but I wanted to and I wanted to right then and there and to just drink for the day. I cried and cried I put somethings on line people were asking what was wrong and then one of the teachers from Little Bitty’s school messaged me. I talked to her a little bit about the mess and what was going on and things. She did bring up a decent job that I maybe able to get. She said her husband had helped a few people from the school or parents get on. She was going to talk to him about it. I am waiting to hear from her about that because I think it would be a pretty decent job. I am pretty sure it is considered a government job as well. I could transfer it out of here to somewhere else if I wanted to move. I may not be able to move as soon as I wanted too and it has nothing to do with the field I am looking into going into, but if it is a decent job and good pay I would stay here until I could transferred so that I would know I had a job when I got ready to move and it would make the move easier and getting a place and things. I could work it until I was settled and found something else that was as good. I hope he is able to get me on and I can start soon. Even if I start now it is going to be a bit before I get pay coming in but I could work it out and make it happen.

I tore my room apart and cleaned it somewhat. I took the broom to the fans and cleaned the dust and things off. I wiped down the walls they were a mess. Moved all that could be moved and cleaned and mopped the floors good. I had my oldest help me told her I would pay her when I started working again so if she would just help me get it done.

I was still in a funk and spent most the day crying and trying to hold it together and just not care or feel anything like the last week or so but it didn’t work. I had so much built up inside I could’t stop crying even when I tried. Now I am sitting here and it is one thirty am and I am wide a wake, my head is hurting and I am supposed to be doing homework so that I can do some things tomorrow and not be sitting her in the house all day. I don’t have any money but would like to get out and do something for a while get the kids out of the house.

I can really tell that I need to go back on some kind of medication. I just can’t find time to go to the doctor to get it and don’t feel like doing anything. I need to go back and talk to the therapist as well I think.

I don’t know if I just don’t care or I’m just not feeling like caring if that makes since. I have a ton of school stuff to get done, some to get caught up on and pray they take it since it is late, I need to look for another job, clean the house and I don’t care. I just feel very relaxed and that is very odd feeling to me because I know I shouldn’t and that I don’t feel this way hardly ever.

I keep telling myself that I need to get my school stuff done I have said for two days I was going to work on it. But I haven’t looked at it. I know it isn’t easy things are getting harder and I still just keep putting it off. I feel like I have all the time in the world to do it and I know I don’t. I pulled my computer out to work on it and ended up here.

Me and my friend started picking up the boys room and getting it ready for their bed. We went through toys and got rid of things and cleaned it. We just need to hang things up and mop the floors. I need to go do it and I haven’t. I took the old couch and things out put my other one back in. We pulled the covers off to wash them and I haven’t washed them or done anything else in there yet. I want the kids bed up and I want the cleaning machine to clean the couch because parts of it can’t be put in the washer. I have to wait until my friend can help me get the bed it is at her house and we didn’t have the right tools when we went to get it. I have to wait for her for the cleaner too because it is hers. The one that is here I don’t know what happen but half of it is gone. I don’t know where to even start on the rest. I just have this drive to get those two things done and then the rest will work out and fall into place. I get stuck on things and need to get them taken care of before I can move to other things. I don’t know what it is. I feel like I am not done and it is just making more mess around mess.

I have applied for job after job called about job after job and not hearing anything back yet. I know I need a job but I am over looking for one and getting these shit jobs. School is going to get much more complicated come next term and I am going to be even more limited to what hours and days I can work. I feel like I can’t catch a break and win.

I have thought and thought about renting my back room out and as much as I hate to I think I need to. If I rent it out and charged $500 a month it would cover the extra on the rent I need each month, pay the lights, water, internet, and my phone. That would leave me with my car insurance and house hold cleaners, gas and things like that we need. That would be really nice because even though it isn’t a lot I could probably make it work with what I make at the shop. If not then I could work just a couple days week somewhere and make enough. If I had someone here at night I could even work a few hours a night and be okay. I can’t leave the kids here alone at night. The other night I went a mile up the road to the store to grocery shop and my oldest called said someone was messing around my bedroom window where her and Little Bitty were trying to sleep. I got home and someone had taken my screen out of my back window on the other side of the house going into the back room I am going to try to rent out. My friend thinks I should rent it to Sleeping Beauty still. She thinks he would be good with the kids and that I wouldn’t have to worry about him messing with them or him being bothered by them since he has kids and likes kids. I truly do think he is probably fine and my best option. I am just funny about renting it to anyone. It would probably help with whoever is messing around here as well because at least they may knock it off if he was here and if not maybe we could catch whoever it is. I haven’t said anything to him about it but he knows I am thinking about renting it out and asked me the other night how much for. I told him I thought $500 seemed to be about the going rate and thought it was fair since it was a larger room had it’s own entrance and things. He never said anything else about it. I ask him what he thought of the price he never said anything. But he hasn’t really said anything at all the last few days so I don’t know. He is funny, very quite kind of shy maybe. Sometimes he will talk all the time others times he hardly says anything at all. I hear he is dating someone as well, so maybe he is with them and can’t talk a lot. I am going to decide and then get it cleaned out if that is what I am going to do and then ask him. I will just ask him one day at work when I see him. Hey you asked about that room if I was going to rent it out and things I decided to and decided x,y and z are you interested before I rent it to someone else or list it. Because before he asked me when he messaged and ask if everything was alright and we first started talking again I told him yes everything was alright and ask how he was and he said a lot had been going on and he wasn’t going to be able to keep staying where he was it was getting bad. I had listed the room and asking if anyone was interested a few days before. Then the other night he asked about the price and things. I know he is paying $400 right now and it includes food. But I also know that there is not food or hardly any food most the time, that everything is about to be turned off all the time and he is paying more than the $400 because they don’t have it to keep it on so he pays it. I would be willing to include food but I am not going to make no promises or anything to be here every night to cook dinner or anything like that. There will be food in there he can cook himself something or make a sandwich. If I am here and cook for the rest of us like I do most nights then he is welcome to eat with us because I have more than enough most nights anyway. But we eat between 6 and 7 if I am home and sometimes we eat as late as 8. The kids should not be a problem because we are getting back on a better time and things as well because before my mom was here we were in bed between 8 and 9 most nights. They have school I have work we need sleep. Once in a while I stay up and watch tv or they do but it isn’t that loud. I just don’t want to get someone in here that is going to drag a bunch of people in and out of my house either. I think I worry more about who they will bring around more than the person I rent it to. I don’t want get someone in there that has 100 people here all the time or people in and out all hours of the day and night or what.

I guess I should get off here and make the kids get cleaned up and go to bed. Then I need to work on my school stuff. We found our fall stuff and all that and I went to put it out and they had my house trashed. They are supposed to be cleaning their messes up.

I just don’t know about the way I am feeling it is so hard to explain.

{May 24, 2017}   Can’t Shake This Feeling

I never fell a sleep this morning until after 4 am, second night in a row I have laid here for over 6 or 8 hours not able to sleep. I over slept this morning the older kids were late for school. I got to work a little later than I expected to but a little earlier than I had told them I could start so that was good.

All this morning and even last night I just had this feeling I could not explain or shake, I think it is part of the reason I could’t sleep. Not really that something was wrong or anything like that just this odd feeling that I am not use to. Kind of a nerviness feeling but that wasn’t really it either. I was almost to the school to drop the older kids off and thinking about work and the way I was feeling and everything and it hit me. For whatever reason I was feeling very insecure. I don’t know why I worked in an office for 3 or 4 years right next to where I was going to work today, I know how to answer phones, copy, fax, data entry and all he wanted me to do was file. Not like it is rocket science to file papers. But I just felt overwhelmingly insecure,

I still don’t know why I felt that way, when I figured out how I felt I started thinking about how I never felt that way before when it comes to stuff. I thought of my friend saying the other night you just have to be confident in yourself and let it show. I thought why am I not confident? I always was before when I got in for a job interview or to work at a new job. I always walked in thinking I got this walked out with the job, I go to work feeling the same way I’m going in doing what I’m supposed to do and that’s, that no big deal. I never had any problems.

Then all the things Father of The Year use to say come flooding back, I’m this and that and like the rest and all the things he use to say and call me. I thought about how things went with him, how things happened with Wanda and RC. How they all were just here and walk away so easily and do the way they did, there must be something wrong with me. I tell myself that isn’t true but it is hard when you are told that crap over and over for years daily just about and then have this other shit all happen too. I keep telling myself I am the one still here, I am the one still holding everything together and fighting to make sure that the kids have what they need and I’m the one here doing whatever I can to bring money in even if it is only a few hours here and there. I tell myself they are the ones with the problem that they just intimidated because I am not happy and content just getting by and exciting, I want to live life and I go after what I want and don’t stop until I get it.  They are just happy sitting in their little corner going to work coming home or sitting all day while someone else goes to work and comes home only to do it all over again the next day. No thought of trying to have anything more or do better. I’m the bitch because I want more and want to have a life not just watch it pass me by.

That was a big part of the problem with me and Father of the Year, all he wanted to do was work and sit in front of the t.v. I wanted to go out spend time together do things, take the kids places. When it came time to make big decisions he was to scared to or just didn’t want to so instead of saying he didn’t want to or was scared to or didn’t want to put the work in to make it happen he agree to everything and then just do nothing or whatever he could to screw it up and make sure it didn’t happen.

I think with Wanda her thing was she really hadn’t changed at all and she was just looking for a free ride, she thought it be easy here just sitting with the kids and I would let her say and do nothing to have someone with the kids. Then she started talking to Father of the year and decided he be even better because he be 100% free ride. She wouldn’t have to work or do anything, she wouldn’t have to worry about getting her disability if she didn’t want to he get her anything everything she wanted and she could sit and do noting. She knows that if she could get him interested and she shows interest in him that once she had him he won’t go anywhere. He will stay with her until she leaves and then he will drive her crazy like he did me forever. She do whatever she wants and he isn’t going to go anywhere even if she sleeps with 10 different people every month. He just seen her as someone that will give him sex when he wants it.

RC, let his habit get the better of him and his true love. It’s funny because him and Father of The Year have told me so many times how sorry they were for what they done and how wrong it was. What they lost and how they screwed up. Father of The Year everyone knows wanted to get back together and was trying. RC wasn’t and still said it and Father of The Year has told me a few times I know we aren’t ever going to get back together but I am sorry and I did screw up and it eats me all the time I can’t move on blah blah.

After a little bit and thinking about what my friend said I was okay and went on to work with no problems and feeling a lot better than I had all night.

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: